The time I was snogging and rubbing my first girlfriend's fanny through her jeans listening to Metallica. It was a bad MP3 of Master of Puppets that cut off half way through. She was soaking wet and had a damp patch in the denim. My best mate was at the other side of the room getting off with this other bird. I was fifteen.

Life has never been and never will be as pure as it was in those days.

>>437732
One of mine is staying up all night before I got my A level results. I was so excited, for no good reason, other than I knew it was the beginning of the end of being at school and becoming an adult.

>>437733

I was also going to go with an early sexual experience, but felt a bit melancholy about it. It's ridiculous but I think I'd still get butSURFlies if I saw my first love again. So strange.

Fuck off they're mine.

>>437733
Is it scientific fact that teenage lasses get wetter? I remember being about 16 on the bus back to mine with my girlfriend for a bit of fooling around and she got ridiculously wet, to the point that by the time we finally were able to do something it looked like someone had been smearing sour cream down there. Curdled fanny batter. I don't think I've been as successful at foreplay since my teenlad days and back then you didn't even really need to do much.

>>437732
Climbing in Majorca for a week with my long-standing climbing partner. During the day we climbed spectacular limestone by the sea. Snorkeling over the reefs during the hottest part of the day, then up into the hills for more climbing until it got dark. We ate pasta with amazing wine for dinner, bacon and eggs for breakfast and I came back half a stone lighter. My partner has since descended into madness, isolated himself from his friends and is deeply into drugs. That climbing trip was an amazing innocent time.

It's pretty pathetic but one night in August 2013 was particularly good. Just moved into a new student house, just bought a PS3, stayed up all night playing Yakuza 3, drinking beer and smoking rollies. I didn't really have friends, but that night was so enjoyable I didn't need any.

Spending all day shooting shotguns and rifles and drinking shit beer in Tennessee. There's something to be said about small portions of the American Dream™.

>>437746

Staying at a ranch just outside of Austin was as close as I've come to 'getting it'. You really truly felt like you owned the night sky out there, nothing for miles, and you could do whatever the fuck you want (and even for my liberal Austinite hosts, that was mostly shooting guns and driving trucks).

I definitely saw a life for me out there, but it's all a bit much when you do it for longer than a couple of weeks.

>>437740

>Is it scientific fact that teenage lasses get wetter?

Can't confirm. I think it really depends on the person, and also just on how aroused a lass is.

I once shagged a 25 year old for a few weeks, and she often got so soaking wet that there was no friction at all, which isn't ideal because it makes it much harder for you to come as the lad.

She was also a squirter, which is really fascinating to see up close instead of in a second-rate porn movie. So yeah, we always had to keep a big towel or two handy when we were having sex.

>>437749
I went to school with a lass that was known as a gusher rather than a squiter. She'd tell everyone about her sex life in explicit detail.

>>437746

Guns are fucking great, I've loved all my shooting experiences. I hate our backward attitudes in this country.

>>437750

>She'd tell everyone about her sex life in explicit detail.

Ah, adolescence. The ones that talked the most about it usually were having the least amount of actual sex.

>>437753
Oh, no. She was a slag. Ugly though.

>>437753

There's always that one slag at school who's a bike and open about it. I remember mine well- I dated her for about six months in year 8 when I was too young to even know what to do, and never did anything beyond going to the cinema with her. Her reputation as a slag started pretty soon after we broke up. If I wasn't such an idiot I'd have got my v-card taken about five years sooner than I eventually did.

>>437756
I had the opportunity to in Year 9, may have been Year 8, at a party after I was pissed from too many alcopops. The girl I copped off with kept asking me if I liked her bra before dragging me into the bathroom; she pissed in front of me and I lost interested. She made me promise I'd meet up with her the day after and we agreed a time and a place, but I went around to my mate's house and played Smackdown on his PS2 instead.

>>437756

>If I wasn't such an idiot I'd have got my vI love everything about this, please continue. card taken about five years sooner than I eventually did

Most lads at my school who had their cherry popped early turned into smug teenlad cunts who thought they were suddenly sex gods, and who would rub it in any chance they got that the rest of us were still virgins.

I would have had the chance at 15, met a girl on holiday who lived in Cardiff, while we lived in Essex. Our sortI love everything about this, please continue. of long distance relationship then dragged on for a few months, until her parents invited me to spend the Boxing Day weekend with them that year, but I cancelled a week before Christmas. Realistically, what 15 year old will commit to a relationship with a girl living 200 miles away. Anyway, she gave me to understand that we'd do a few naughty things together over Boxing Day. But I cancelled partly because she lived 200 miles away and I saw no point in being with a lass that I'd only ever get to see every few months, but also because I felt I wasn't ready.

In hindsight, it was a wasted chance. I then didnt get to have my first time until I was 19. Probably would have made my teen years a little easier, and just for the price of reluctantly spending one weekend in Cardiff.

Probably being 12 getting drunk at my friend's for the first time, some kind of Japanese whiskey his mum had around (she shopped at Aldi and Lidl then, you see) and cupping my hands to knock a load back. Blimey and bloody hell. It's a favourite as I like alcohol and what it can do, but it is an evil. Probably about 4 months before my first wank which was indescribable.

My Henry hoover burnt its motor out today btw, I'm a bit annoyed >:-(

>>437807

>Japanese whiskey

You might be surprised to learn that Japanese whisky is consistently excellent.

I really don't recommend letting a Henry Hoover fall onto your head. Think I might have a mild concussion now.

>>437884
How did that happen? That sounds like a fuckup on someone else's part, chap.

Sage because the inevitable lecture on gravity and relative velocities and mass according to calculus all foreseen by Lord Gold Standard Isaac Newton himself.

>>437732

Taking a bus ride up to Sheffield one winter and experiencing my first kiss as the snow fell around Rotherham bus station.

A two day road trip from Seville to Lisbon. Doing ketamine at the Vatican just to one-up a friend. Spending over a grand to visit New York for 18 hours so I could say goodbye to a friend before he started a lengthy prison sentence. Smoking crack in a Brazilian favela. Experiencing Koi No Yokan.

When I finally got up the courage to approach this girl in a club who was way out of my league but seemingly only had eyes for me, the DJ played "What do you want from me" by Monaco as she kissed me and I felt like I was in a movie, or a dream. Getting my phone stolen at gunpoint and losing her number forever a few hours later.

Becoming an (on paper) millionaire (and then losing it all). Becoming a father.

Getting all 96 exits on Super Mario World on the SNES.

All in all it's been a wild ride lads.

>>437897
I have a U shaped staircase. I was sat hoovering one corner when the Henry fell down from the corner above me, being stopped by my bonce. First time it's happened in about five years of living here.

>>437904 Vacuum cleaner instructions (almost) always warn against this, but nobody reads them.
The classic case is when you vacuum up a sock or something and the hose suddenly blocks. If the hose is a regular concertina style, it'll shorten with a decent force, and yoink, plummeting vacuum.
Always start at the bottom.
Henry style semi rigid hoses don't exhibit this anywhere near as much, so I guess you're just a clumsy git, Hope the head recovers, vacuums are heavy buggers.

>>437905
I didn't respect the Henry. I became too complacent.

>>437906

This is payback for the time you stuck your dick in him.

>>437907
I think I might be going down a rabbit hole now.

https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/3966281/

>>437908
>including loss of the glans penis

Agggghhhhhhh noooooo

>>437909
There's another case on there of a man who died of an embolism after using a syringe to blow air up his urethra.

He was found with his pants around his ankles and his shirt rolled up.

Hm, this 'favourite memories' thread is coming along nicely.

>>437910
How would one go about explaining that to the deceased's family and friends?

>>437913 'death by misadventure' is code for this sort of thing. Let your imagination run wild next time you see it, and try to keep it off your obituary.

>>437912
Is there anything more exhilarating than a danger wank?

>>437908

>>437920
And yet if it was a woman buying a washing machine to sit on or comparing the sizes of hairbrushes there would be no judgement whatsoever. This is over-fishing lads.

I only ever put my knob in a hoover once - it was probably a Henry - the suction wasn't perfect so turbulated my knob skin in such a way that it produced the loudest raspberry noise I've ever heard. It also didn't feel that good, and certainly nothing like a blowjob - the closest simulation to the actual feeling of a blowie is pointing the shower head at the old chap, but even that lacks the all-important manual/oral handling component of the actual act.

>>437926
Here was me thinking that having a wank as a teenlad over my mum's Next catalogue was a low point.

>>437934

My own masturbatory nadir involves a sofa cushion, a Marigold, a lump of Stork and a copy of Trinny and Susannah's What Not To Wear.