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>> No. 18262 Anonymous ## Mod ##
5th March 2014
Wednesday 8:27 pm
18262 Please check the old pages for similar threads Locked Stickied
before creating a new one.
Failure to do so may result in angry shouting.

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>> No. 27047 Anonymous
12th July 2018
Thursday 2:03 pm
27047 Where to meet birds
So, I've decided to try and not be that guy, a relationship-less virgin, into my mid-20s, which doesn't leave me with very long. I'm home from uni for the summer and have decided it's time to sort my act out.

The only problem - where to meet women?

I've completed tinder in a 15 mile radius, likewise for Bumble - zero (0) matches. I've messaged pretty much every girl on OKCupid with a match >75%; not one has replied.

What can I do now? The few local schoolfriends I am still in contact with are all male, everyone at my job is male, and all the women I talk to (from uni) are either in a relationship or otherwise not an option.

Going out to clubs doesn't work because a) I don't have anyone to go with, and b) when I try and do anything but stand at the bar drinking in a club (ie dance) I look like a tortoise trying to pilot a motorcycle.

Any ideas?
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>> No. 27912 Anonymous
18th January 2019
Friday 9:45 pm
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>>27900
It's all fucked. Before, during, and after every single day, I can't find a reason to have suffered through that day. You wake up to emptiness, you work through emptiness, and you come home to emptiness. It would be great if you could just have one sincere conversation with someone. I don't know if it's the same for you at uni, but where I work, it's all just pleasantries and fake smiles. There are people all around the place, moving their lips and making facial expressions, but none of them ever expressing anything they really think or feel to one another. Just sociopaths everywhere, playing pretend for 8 hours a day, 40 hours a week.

And then you go home, and there's not even the sociopaths any more. Just silence and emptiness and isolation, and still no sincere human interaction. It's absolutely maddening. Everything there is to live for loses its value when you exist in a vacuum.
>> No. 27921 Anonymous
19th January 2019
Saturday 12:59 pm
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>>27912
I feel like there are a lot of genuine connections at uni, but I'm just not part of any of them.
>> No. 27922 Anonymous
19th January 2019
Saturday 1:37 pm
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>>27912
You remind me a little of the sample used in

>> No. 27923 Anonymous
19th January 2019
Saturday 1:47 pm
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>>27909
>For a while he was in a polyamourous relationship and despite my many protests that him talking about how much sex he was having with multiple people really didn't make me, a virgin, feel very good about myself, he continued to talk about it.

No offence, and I've followed this thread for a while and you seem like a decent guy, but I can see why someone might decide this is more bother than its worth. Friends talk to friends about their relationships and sex-lives (at least in a general sense, at least to friends of the same gender). Even if he is understanding of your issues he's not going to feel like chatting to you when he feels like having a moan about his relationship troubles which, if he goes through a lot of drama, is going to be a lot of the time. That's not a choice he has made, it's a choice you have made.
>> No. 27925 Anonymous
19th January 2019
Saturday 3:35 pm
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Thought I'd posted in this thread before, but probably not. I lost it last year, mid 20s, she was younger.

See how this treats you:

Make a throwaway account on reddit and find some of the places where people post nudes anonymously (r/gonewild and its offshoots). Sort posts by new and look for the ones that get minimum attention from others. Send a message or comment - a compliment, an instruction, a little tale about what you would do if you were there with them. Almost all of your messages will be ignored, but persevere. Find someone you can be flirty back and forth with. Remember that you have the following on your side: age, accent, nationality, education. Try sending a flirty voice message maybe, or read something aloud on the audio section. Maybe just post a couple of pictures of your dick. Explore some of the different communities - curvy, hairy, over-30, mild. If you like, you can keep it impersonal, or ask about their hobbies and learn more about them.

The goal is to become comfortable complimenting and being overtly sexual with another person. If you send nudes and they respond favourably, then it should also be a confidence booster for when you eventually are naked with a partner.

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>> No. 27916 Anonymous
19th January 2019
Saturday 3:39 am
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So not a full on /emo/ one today but can't think of anywhere better. I'm a really socially strong and confident guy, I get on with pretty much everyone, UNLESS I have feelings for them in which case I come across as a stuttering sweaty mess.

How can I relax my self in such social situations?
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>> No. 27917 Anonymous
19th January 2019
Saturday 9:30 am
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>>27916

May not work for everyone, but I'll offer my take. For me, it's a combination of experience (knowing it's not the end of the world if it doesn't go well), and having other things to inform your sense of self-worth (finding reason to respect yourself even if it doesn't go well).

Some lads put this down to an "abundance mindset" or whatever stupid term they've come up with, but that's obviously a trap. That demands you devalue the people you're with by making sure you have a lot of other options, or convincing yourself you do. It will work, but it will be a pyrrhic victory.

What works better, I think, is trying to fully internalise that you're not any less of a person if you fuck up a date or fumble a bit.

There's probably a bit of your mind that's adding pressure, saying "I have to get this right or else I'm not really confident/a man/a worthy prospect etc." It's your job to quiet that voice down by giving real world examples of how, actually, you could live with and respect yourself even if the other person isn't interested.
>> No. 27918 Anonymous
19th January 2019
Saturday 9:51 am
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>> No. 27919 Anonymous
19th January 2019
Saturday 10:35 am
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That's normal innit. Just bitch up and learn to hide it. It's probably less obvious than you think anyway.
>> No. 27920 Anonymous
19th January 2019
Saturday 12:47 pm
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I think you're quite normal lad.

Breathing exercises.
>> No. 27924 Anonymous
19th January 2019
Saturday 1:52 pm
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Have a wank before you go out on the pull. If you've had a dry spell, get yourself down to 'spoons and shag some fat birds. It's stupid, but it works.

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>> No. 27760 Anonymous
20th November 2018
Tuesday 6:37 pm
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I had my first assessment with a therapist today, but I couldn't take anything she said seriously. It was like talking to a salesman, nodding at the right times, carefully framed responses.

I don't know why I bother, it's all so pointless. Long, lonely, miserable march to death.
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>> No. 27910 Anonymous
18th January 2019
Friday 8:41 pm
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CBT is shit. Read up on its history in Britain and you'll learn that it was basically just a product packaged and sold to the NHS who, years and years ago, were looking for cheaper alternatives to traditional psychotherapy, which cost a lot of money and usually took place over months or even years with questionable efficacy. CBT promised concrete results backed up by studies—and, most importantly, it promised them in a handful of sessions at a fraction of the cost. This is why the NHS are so aggressive about promoting it. However, although CBT is indeed an effective short-term solution for a lot of people, there is precious little research indicating that CBT has any overall long-term effect. CBT is probably less useful these days than it used to be when it arose in the late 70s/early 80s because a lot of its content has entered the mainstream and become common knowledge. The idea that thoughts, feelings, and behaviour were linked was borderline revolutionary for the average person back then, although we consider it obvious now.

CBT is actually just a heavily diluted plagiarism of a much more robust ancient Greek philosophy called Stoicism.
>> No. 27911 Anonymous
18th January 2019
Friday 8:53 pm
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>>27910
>CBT is actually just a heavily diluted plagiarism of a much more robust ancient Greek philosophy called Stoicism.

And why is this a problem?
>> No. 27913 Anonymous
18th January 2019
Friday 9:46 pm
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>>27911
It's not. That was meant to be encouraging towards checking out Stoicism.
>> No. 27914 Anonymous
18th January 2019
Friday 10:39 pm
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>>27910

>CBT is actually just a heavily diluted plagiarism of a much more robust ancient Greek philosophy called Stoicism.

To be slightly pedantic, it's really a systematised plagiarism of REBT. There are clear Stoic influences on REBT and CBT, but the Buddha was saying more or less the same things 200 years earlier.

CBT has the strongest evidence base of any psychotherapy and we know it offers substantial improvements to a large proportion of patients in the short-term. You're right to say that the long-term evidence is quite weak, but a treatment that works in the short-term is still very much worth having. The bigger issue IMO is that although there's reasonably strong evidence for CBT, we've never actually run clinical trials on the specific form of CBT delivered by IAPT services. The fact that CBT works when delivered by a clinical psychologist over 12 to 20 one-hour sessions doesn't tell us much about the benefits of six half-hour sessions with a Psychological Wellbeing Practitioner.

I've said this several times on .gs, but it bears repeating - the key to beating depression is to just keep trying. We have lots of effective treatments, but none of them work for everyone and we have no way of predicting which patient will respond to which treatment.

If you took SSRIs and they did nothing for you, try an SNRI or a tricyclic or mirtazapine. If you had psychotherapy and it didn't work out, consider whether the problem was just a mismatch between your needs and that particular therapist or that particular school of therapy. Getting some exercise or starting a new hobby aren't going to cure your depression, but they might offer a slight improvement in your mood that you can continue to build on. The principle of marginal gains comes into play - reducing your symptoms by 5% might seem insignificant if you're in the throes of a deep depression, but it becomes highly significant if you can find five or ten things that each give you a 5% improvement.
>> No. 27915 Anonymous
19th January 2019
Saturday 1:03 am
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>>27914
I'm not sure you could call modern CBT a plagiarism of REBT so much as a revision or reworking of it, but perhaps that's what you were getting at with "systematised". I'd say Buddhism and Stoicism are really quite different. There's some overlap, but they're distinct enough outlooks that it would be doing a disservice to anyone who might want to learn about them to equate them with one another. The Buddha specifically stated that awareness was his teaching. This is the key idea of Buddhism—not to attempt to reframe reality as something other than what it is, not to get lost in a process of monitoring and engaging thoughts, but simply to experience true objective reality for the sake of experiencing it. In contrast, REBT, CBT, and Stoicism are all frameworks through which your goal is to alter your subjective perception of reality.

I do agree that a short-term treatment is better to have than not to have. I think maybe the best use for it is to smash through the learned helplessness barrier, to open those people up to the possibility of change who were previously so browbeaten by their mental health problem that they thought change impossible. But timing is critical. I think it should jumpstart an ongoing treatment that doesn't just end immediately after the workshops or whatever. Unfortunately, this is hardly ever how it works in practice. What tends to happen with the NHS is that they'll refer you to CBT and then leave you to your own devices. You'll have a good month and then you're back to how you were. But you're even worse off, because the novelty effect of the CBT has been spent and your mental health problem has immunized itself and you'll never get the same result or opportunity from it again.

The trouble is that nobody cares. It's a box-ticking exercise. If you go mad and kill yourself (or anyone else), the NHS will just shrug and say "we gave them the treatment". And that's the whole point of it—not really to help people, but to give themselves justification to redirect blame for other people's health predicaments back to them, all the while saving precious money but not actually doing what they exist to do in the first place.

I agree with your last couple paragraphs, too. You should exhaust all avenues that are open to you—particularly if you're at the point where you're attempting suicide. What have you got to lose? Might as well go nuts. Try all the legit options as well as the batshit crazy ones. You can read some oddly specific stories about curing depression online. Stuff you'd never even think of, like tiny dietary changes that make no sense intuitively.

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>> No. 27869 Anonymous
27th December 2018
Thursday 6:53 pm
27869 I thought I'd dropped out
This is a thing, apparently. I don't have a phone, there's no bank where I live, I don't have money, I left the course, and I literally have no idea what I'm supposed to do now. I don't even live at the address listed on the email anymore. I'd been ignoring these emails as spam on the rare occasions I've actually checked my emails this year. This is the first time I've realised what they are. They came with the title "Business World" which if that doesn't sound like a company name thought up by someone for whom English is a second language what does?

Would it actually be a good idea to kill myself this time?

I thought I was turning a corner but I was actually in deeper shit than I've ever been before, only I never even knew it. There just isn't any point, I'm too inept for life on this Earth. I'm massively indebted for a year of education I never even attended.
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>> No. 27893 Anonymous
29th December 2018
Saturday 4:12 pm
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>>27892
>Think about what you can do now

This. It's largely down to your mindset. Instead of seeing only problems you need to start seeing solutions and not give up at first setback.
>> No. 27896 Anonymous
16th January 2019
Wednesday 3:07 pm
27896 spacer
I just tried emailing an address that was within their latest email but I was told it doesn't exist. I'm confused. I can't go to the local Citizens Advice because Mum's having an affair with the man who works there. I hate this shit.
>> No. 27897 Anonymous
16th January 2019
Wednesday 3:17 pm
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>>27896
You should probably just move to somewhere less stressful to live, like Scotland or something.
>> No. 27898 Anonymous
16th January 2019
Wednesday 3:56 pm
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>>27896
Go to the next nearest CAB, maybe?
>> No. 27899 Anonymous
16th January 2019
Wednesday 4:02 pm
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>>27898
Yeah, I know, I did once but they were too busy. I'm just being a bum.

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>> No. 23560 Anonymous
16th November 2016
Wednesday 6:49 pm
23560 Minor angst and existential dread, Mk. I
We tend to have a lot of repeated threads here, but I also get the feeling people don't tend to post in /emo/ unless it's a big issue.

With this in mind I suggest that we have a thread for stuff that's got you down a bit and you need to get off your chest, without it being major enough to make an entire thread devoted to it. We can also use it as a go-to for minor relationship advice, work problems, social drama, and things like that.

Everyone gets down from time to time, let's put some Sisters of Mercy on and wallow together for a while.
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>> No. 27864 Anonymous
22nd December 2018
Saturday 3:28 pm
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>>27861

I'm not a Christian, but I have a sincere love of Gospel music and a deep affinity with the African American church. They really do see themselves as being at war with a shapeshifting monster - the devil. The world is full of hardship and cruelty, especially if you're a black American; they're fighting the good fight against those indignities, with god on their side. It's a mindset that allowed them to survive through slavery and Jim Crow and a succession of transparently racist presidents over the years. I think that the literal belief is essentially risible, but the metaphor is rather beautiful.

If your life feels empty and goalless, do something about it. Get off your arse and do something kind for someone who is suffering. Take up the sword of compassion and become a warrior against the monster of indifference. Ring up your local food bank or homeless shelter or hospice and ask them if they need volunteers. You'll feel better for it, I promise.

https://do-it.org/opportunities/search
>> No. 27889 Anonymous
29th December 2018
Saturday 3:26 am
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Of you lads who are married, or who intend on marrying; without wanting to seem suffering Sour Grapes I do hope that the love stays alive, because this divorce process had suddenly become quite harrowing.

Despite the fact that I initiated this divorce, despite the fact that I would do everything exactly the same way again; going through the flat I'm about to give up, the last flat we shared together, knowing that I'll be moved out within a week, splitting everything into piles of hers and mine. Well, it's been pretty fucking miserable.
>> No. 27890 Anonymous
29th December 2018
Saturday 12:44 pm
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>>27889

Sounds painful and difficult, I don't think there is an easy way to do these things, keep on slugging through, you have my sympathy.

I have a friend who avoided breaking up for years because they didn't want 'the hassel' I couldn't live like that.
>> No. 27894 Anonymous
30th December 2018
Sunday 6:35 am
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>>27832
Well, today was the first actual 'good' day. Every light was green on the way to work, it was a relaxed shift, and I got out bang on time meaning that I missed the beginnings of rush hour (getting out at 6:00 vs even 6:05 makes a huge difference), and am now at home having a post work beverage.

May be of little coincidence that I have had basically no social interactions outside of work stuff.
>> No. 27895 Anonymous
30th December 2018
Sunday 6:36 am
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Also, just noticed >>27835 below my original post.

Are you still with us, lad?

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>> No. 27877 Anonymous
27th December 2018
Thursday 10:59 pm
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The dad of one of my exes committed suicide on an afternoon a month ago. He hung himself in his shed in the back garden. His body was spotted by a gardener who was working in an adjacent back garden and very suddenly noticed a person dangling in mid-air through the shed's back window. The gardener then jumped over fences and hedges like mad and cut my ex's dad down and tried to resuscitate him, but it was too late, maybe just by a few minutes. The ambulance apparently arrived just moments later but all they could do was pronounce him dead.

What a horrible thing to witness.

Anyway, what my ex and I had was eons ago. We were each other's first love though, and although we were never again on speaking terms due to an immensely hostile breakup, there were times when very old mutual friends thought there was a chance for us to at least be in the same room with each other without shouting angry things at the other person. That all never materialised. Mainly because people like to gossip, but also because some two or three percent of me may still have cared about her, my attempts to then get back in touch with her were met with rejection and her worry that I still secretly wanted to have her back.

Why am I writing all this? Well, like my dad who also killed himself, her dad suffered from lifelong clinical depression. My dad was in and out of treatment until he did manage to take his own life, just like her dad the last couple of years if I understood correctly what our old mutual friends (now much more distant and really just old acquaintances to me) told me about all the recent events. So effectively she is in a similar position now as I am, which is that just like ours, her family is reduced to two people due to incredibly tragic events.

I had made my peace with probably never meeting her again. We live almost 100 miles apart now and it was unhealthy anyway to try to get in touch with somebody who had made it quite clear she wasn't interested. She is married now too, so in any case, there still would have been that to consider. And my main feeling towards her was probably not the hope that we would get back together, but feeling sorry about the way we broke up back in the day, because it was nearly all my fault.

But now I very genuinely just feel sorry for her because I know the kind of horror from first-hand experience that your dad's suicide can inflict on your family.

What do I do? Am I enough of a decent human being if I just keep her in my thoughts and think of what she, and her mum, must be going through at the moment? I'm not religious, so that's the best I can do in that way. Or should I let her know in a more direct way that despite me not being at the funeral or having sent my condolences, I am really quite shaken up for her?
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>> No. 27880 Anonymous
27th December 2018
Thursday 11:57 pm
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She's got enough on her plate right now and at this point you barely know her much less have an exact idea of what she's going through. Unless your cock is a magic wand it's best to leave it at a thought of wishing her the best and getting back to your own business.
>> No. 27881 Anonymous
27th December 2018
Thursday 11:59 pm
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>>27878
A letter is inherently melodramatic in today's world and reeks of being from one of those people who makes a death all about themselves.
>> No. 27882 Anonymous
28th December 2018
Friday 12:15 am
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>>27880

My first reaction was indeed that I had no right to just barge into her life, out of nowhere for all intents and purposes, at a moment that was about mourning the tragic death of a very close family member. And not about all of a sudden an old boyfriend making himself noticed, who might entertain the misplaced idea that it was a decent thing to do to express my condolences in writing.

I understand that fully, and that's why I actually didn't send my condolences. But then again part of me is really shaken up about this, both because my own dad killed himself, so it kind of hit close to home, and because I actually really liked her dad back in the day.

This thread is probably going to amount to little more than mental shadow boxing without any real world consequences, but I value your perspectives on the issue, .gs. That's why I posted it.
>> No. 27884 Anonymous
28th December 2018
Friday 1:04 am
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It sounds like you want to contact her to comfort yourself in some way, be it to express something about your own father to her, to talk to her again, or simply to feel better about yourself for sending your condolences to her. This is not a good idea.

If you're 100% sure your condolences will actually console her, then go ahead. If you're just wanting to have a teary together with her about your sad lives, just so you can wallow for a bit with her, then please leave well alone. That's the impression I'm getting from the way you're writing.

The normal, baseline response would be to send a bereavement card to her (her family). If she has any interest in talking to you at that point, then she will.
>> No. 27886 Anonymous
28th December 2018
Friday 1:52 pm
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>>27884

I'm just kind of caught between the idea that it's a decent thing to do to express your condolences to the family of somebody you used to know on the one hand, and the realisation on the other hand that the door to my ex was shut years ago, and that this is possibly the least appropriate kind of time to reopen that door. If that would ever be a good idea in the first place.

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>> No. 27865 Anonymous
26th December 2018
Wednesday 10:32 am
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I keep having horribly vivid dreams about my ex of maybe five or six years ago now. They're mainly emotional reunions.
I do miss her terribly but can't imagine for a moment she'd be happy about me getting in touch. It wasn't the most pleasant break up, for a number of reasons that were entirely my fault. I'm not even sure how I could go about getting in touch as I've deleted all avenues of communication to prevent my drunk self pestering her. All the same I would like these dreams to stop. It's all very painful.
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>> No. 27866 Anonymous
26th December 2018
Wednesday 12:11 pm
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It's the last part of getting over someone. Stay strong and maybe find someone else to keep your lonely mind busy.
>> No. 27867 Anonymous
26th December 2018
Wednesday 12:34 pm
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>>27865
5 years is the outer limit of hormone induced infatuation affecting your decision making, as it wears off after between 3-5 years and it exists to stop men doing a runner after the baby is born. It's good to be aware of biological mechanisms when dealing with stuff like this, but I think you're probably clear of it's influence despite it sounding a lot like you aren't.

Instead, this seems like guilt becoming an obsession. You need to forgive yourself, regardless of whether she ever does or not, and move on.
>> No. 27868 Anonymous
26th December 2018
Wednesday 5:01 pm
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>>27867
I've thrown away anything that would remind me of her but my subconscious still has me quite literally kicking other women out of bed in my sleep. Being a pain in the arse obsessive stalker is the last thing I'd want to do, pushing my problems all over someone else who most likely moved on a long time ago. I don't think I know how to forgive myself.
>> No. 27885 Anonymous
28th December 2018
Friday 3:00 am
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>>27868
>I don't think I know how to forgive myself.

That, my friend, we cannot help you with. You need to speak to someone qualified to help you break this obsessive cycle of behaviour and to talk about why you feel you can't forgive yourself.

I will say though, forgiving yourself doesn't have a requirement or obligation for other people to respect your decision. It's personal, it's not about pleasing others or even about redemption. It's about being able to live with yourself and be inside your own head and it be a safe space rather than a hostile one.

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>> No. 27854 Anonymous
18th December 2018
Tuesday 6:08 pm
27854 Lost job opportunity cos of CCJ
Idk what to do mang, I just had an interview for a £130+ a day job and got shut down for having a CCJ.

I don't have £500 lying around, I work minimum wage and have barely gotten on my feet since uni. I shouldn't have taken out another card but here we are. It's the last piece of debt I have (beyond my overdraft) but it's just fucking *there*.

Any decent job seems locked off because of this thing, and apparently the one I just applied for needs to be satisfied for a year.

idk what the hell to do, I've got shit credit rating and fucked myself over future because I kind of figured I'd be able to at least get decent work, but nah man, unskilled at 27, 2:2 in humanities, studying for AAT but it just feels pointless because no decent firm would hire me.

It was £130 a day and I already know the role, now I'm making half that a day helping accountants who are billing that per hour.
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>> No. 27855 Anonymous
18th December 2018
Tuesday 6:18 pm
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>>27854

Could you talk to Citizens Advice? There may be a way for you to spread the cost over a few months.
>> No. 27856 Anonymous
18th December 2018
Tuesday 7:17 pm
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You're working for an accountancy firm and studying for the AAT? You should have decent prospects once you've got experience and qualifications under your belt.
>> No. 27857 Anonymous
18th December 2018
Tuesday 7:24 pm
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>>27854
What was the job?

There are a bunch of jobs (banking, finance and accountancy, sounds like you're in the last group) - where you need reasonably good credit - there is a big difference between missing a couple of payments, which will limit your ability to get a loan or mortgage, and an actual CCJ. How much is the CCJ for? Have you satisfied (ie paid) it? What story did you have around that? Did they specifically ask you about whether you had any judgements against you?
>> No. 27858 Anonymous
19th December 2018
Wednesday 1:31 am
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>>27857
This. Certain regulated professions can only admit individuals who are "of good character" or "a fit and proper person". That means no unspent convictions, no undischarged bankrupcies, no defaults, no CCJs, no disqualifications. Your record doesn't have to be totally unblemished, it just needs to have no massive black marks.
>> No. 27859 Anonymous
19th December 2018
Wednesday 1:14 pm
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>>27856

Regrettably it's not for a firm, it's first line tech support for some accounting software. Since we're talking about it all day a lot of people study for accounting qualifications during downtime. There's a lot of very smart, very unmotivated people there.

>>27857

PPI Claims handling for Santander. I took out a couple of credit cards in uni, paid back one but just tried to pretend the other one didn't exist. I'd kind of forgotten about it, somehow, and applied for jobs in the meantime (this was a few years ago) and actually got through at least 2 interview processes where I was asked if I had a CCJ and I said 'no'. Wasn't until a third interview I got a call and asked if I knew anything about it. In the past couple of years I've just kind of mentioned it if asked directly otherwise not brought it up.

>How much is the CCJ for?

£370 odd last I remembered. I'm currently racking up some council tax fees as well, which wouldn't be a problem if I wasn't on SSP at the moment. Which wouldn't be a problem if there wasn't currently a fuck up in the payroll dept affecting all employees on SSP. Felt like I was so close to scraping by but with an upward trajectory. Now that feels shot.

> Your record doesn't have to be totally unblemished, it just needs to have no massive black marks.

Got no criminal record but presumably my credit rating is disgraceful. Other than the CCJ there's nothing else I can think of that's on paper, other than the lingering feeling that I should have been more responsible with my money and not become a raging depressive alcoholic through my early twenties. But hey I survived so there's that.
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>> No. 27801 Anonymous
29th November 2018
Thursday 6:15 pm
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I met a girl on holiday and we clicked earlier this year, I think she is great and we had lots of great sex (exactly the kind I'm into).

We kept in touch and she discussed coming here to see me, even though she lives across the world and wants to carry this on until one of us can make a move to be with the other in a few short years. We skype and message all day every day but obviously the distance is a bit bonkers.

Meanwhile I also met another girl at work who is great but is very boring at the old sex, likes me to slowly grind into her and doesn't like oral sex, anal or anything beyond really vanilla stuff.

Both are attractive, both are lovely, both are really interested, girl from work is probably slightly more conventionally attractive. More importantly, she is also here with me and available now.

What do I do? Do I take the easy route and take the girl who si attractive and be grateful because she's here and there's a realistically good relationship there or do I try and get something to work with the person who is closer to my soulmate but lives across the world and I would somehow only see once or twice a year for the next few years at least whilst we work something out?

Help lads, decision needs to be made soon.

Thanks
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>> No. 27825 Anonymous
29th November 2018
Thursday 11:12 pm
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>>27820

> It's incredibly tiring being around her because quite literally everybody hits on her,

I've had a girlfriend or two like that before. The red flag is if she automatically flirts back almost on auto pilot. That's my cue to fucking leg it out of there immediately.
>> No. 27826 Anonymous
30th November 2018
Friday 8:06 pm
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>>27825

>The red flag is if she automatically flirts back almost on auto pilot.

I briefly dated a lass like that for a few months. When we were in a pub together, guys would hit on her all the time and even though she tried her best to conceal it, she really quite often flirted right back at them, with me within earshot or even right next to her. When I called her on it, she usually rolled her eyes and told me I was making myself look like an arse and that she was "just being nice".

She kept doing it and I kept complaining to her about it, so in the end we just went our separate ways again. She was no keeper, and apparently neither was I to her.

Sage for derailing the thread with my own nonsense.
>> No. 27827 Anonymous
30th November 2018
Friday 8:43 pm
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>>27825
>>27826

> Sage for derailing the thread with my own nonsense.

I hope we're not derailing the thread exactly. It is a massive red flag because if he's auto-pilot flirting with other guys with you sitting right there (and feeling trapped half way between storming off in a huff and ramming a pint glass into this other cunt's face), imagine what she's doing when you're not around.

I could tell you some stories about numbers and texts from people I'd never heard of, hurriedly hidden skype windows and all the rest but I won't because that would be derailing the thread.
>> No. 27828 Anonymous
30th November 2018
Friday 10:41 pm
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>>27827

Yes, I suppose there's "being nice", and there is actually making your boyfriend look bad and still feeling the need to gauge your appeal with other men.

"Being nice" is more like, "Thanks for offering me a drink, but I'm not sure my boyfriend here will be all to happy about it". And not, "You like my blue eyes you say? That's so cool, because yours look pretty handsome as well!"

OP is in a bit of a pickle here, granted. In the long run, he should ask himself if there isn't a third option for him. There should be plenty of lasses where he lives, who aren't half a world away but also don't put out when they are out with their fella.
>> No. 27829 Anonymous
30th November 2018
Friday 11:02 pm
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Bin off your job, get on a plane and go and wreck her dirtbox. Life's too short.

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>> No. 27747 Anonymous
14th November 2018
Wednesday 9:12 am
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I haven't had been in a relationship or had sex for over 2 and a half years.

There's probably lots of things factoring into this. A year and a half of it I was working in a small office, not really interacting with many new people. I also spent immense amounts of time studying, saving money and planning for the future during my free hours. This has paid off, now, but I think there's more to it. There's an underlying issue here.

I know it's not down to my appearance or social skills, because even with this ascetic kind of life I would still occasionally get interest from the odd work colleague or friend-of-a-friend.

I think it's more down to the fact my last two relationships were really traumatic in a way I haven't fully acknowledged. One simply cut off contact without preamble and never gave a reason why. The other cheated during a period of long distance, and let me find out by myself after months of lying.

It's made me extremely reluctant to reach out to people, even if I find them attractive. I'm a sensitive person, anyway, but combined with that rough history I find myself overanalysing the words and actions of others looking for signs that I might get hurt again. Even worse, the more I look at relationships as a whole, the more I realise this kind of thing isn't atypical in the slightest (you could even argue I've got off lightly in terms of baggage). I've started to find how people treat eachother a little disgusting, and even dangerous.

I really value love and close one-to-one relationships. I have a degree of closeness with friends, but there's no physical intimacy at all, nor a sense of really experiencing life "together".

This leaves me with a painful ambivalence that's hard to let go of. I truly want to meet people and believe I have a lot to give, but I am also hyper-cautious and finding myself becoming increasingly critical of people and bitter about what happened -- making it very unlikely I'll ever get past those tricky first hurdles with any new person.

I've been telling myself that I've just been focusing on myself and my career. I have had plenty of success there. But that's not the reason I've remained single.
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>> No. 27755 Anonymous
15th November 2018
Thursday 3:58 pm
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>>27754

How old were you in 2001?
>> No. 27756 Anonymous
15th November 2018
Thursday 10:07 pm
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>>27754

I realise you might not be able to reply yet but I'll wait for an answer. What part of revealing in your misery do you think is positive? There is nothing to beneficial to being long suffering and it isn't a contest. Please don't take what I just said the wrong way. I want you to be happier and more satisfied with life, but you aren't doing yourself any favours by sneering at others, you can't get out of a hole by digging yourself deeper into it and trying to pull down others who are trying to get out. If you want help I'm sure we are happy to listen and be constructive, but don't just shit on others.
>> No. 27757 Anonymous
15th November 2018
Thursday 10:16 pm
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>>27756
It reads like complaining about only having a few million in the bank.
>> No. 27758 Anonymous
16th November 2018
Friday 12:21 am
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>>27757

Does it? Or are you irrationally embittered? If I brake my toe and fucking hurts the fact you lost your leg in a car accident years before doesn't mean I'm not allowed to be in pain and mention that I am. If i lose my child you shouldn't be telling me a hundred children starved to death in Bangladesh so i can't complain.

What you are doing is a form of narcissism. You are thinking only of how things apply directly to you. But paradoxically you You don't look to your achievements you look to how much you have suffered. No one is allowed to suffer unless they have it worse then you. You despise sympathy others receive because you are envious of it. You feel you deserve that sympathy but no one is giving it to you. None of this is constructive to helping you feel better. No one can actually help you if you wallow in your misery. At the moment you are just forcing yourself lower.

If you want help ask for it. Don't just be bitter because someone else did and they got it.
>> No. 27759 Anonymous
18th November 2018
Sunday 3:40 am
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>>27755

20

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>> No. 27730 Anonymous
11th November 2018
Sunday 11:47 am
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Alright lads, feel like a bit of a twat posting this here but I've got a lot on my plate, albeit I don't want to delve too deep into things but anyway, I don't suppose anyone knows of any charities or foundations or the like that help/support people who want to/are trying leave controlling, very restrictive religious families?
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>> No. 27736 Anonymous
11th November 2018
Sunday 6:20 pm
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Every local council is required by law to have a safeguarding team, which is responsible for protecting adults and children from all forms of domestic abuse. Since 2015, "coercive or controlling behaviour" is legally defined as domestic abuse. You can refer yourself to the safeguarding team directly by calling the council, or you can speak to your doctor or someone at Citizens Advice. The safeguarding team is responsible for offering you multi-agency support including social work, housing and health.

https://www.citizensadvice.org.uk/about-us/how-we-provide-advice/advice/

Karma Nirvana offer support and advice for victims of religious and honour-based abuse through their helpline.

https://karmanirvana.org.uk/help/

If you fear for your safety, get out of the house if possible and call 999. The police have a legal duty to protect you and will not leave you in an abusive situation.
>> No. 27737 Anonymous
11th November 2018
Sunday 6:28 pm
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>>27732>>27735
We'll let the OP speak, but I can't help but notice they didn't post a picture of Mohammed.
>> No. 27738 Anonymous
11th November 2018
Sunday 8:20 pm
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>>27737

>but I can't help but notice they didn't post a picture of Mohammed.

You don't know much about Islam do you.
>> No. 27739 Anonymous
11th November 2018
Sunday 8:24 pm
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>>27738
that gave me a chuckle
>> No. 27740 Anonymous
11th November 2018
Sunday 10:11 pm
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>>27735

It's a very common problem. Not everyone has the balls to defy his family and to start living his life the way he wants. I've lost a girlfriend because she preferred to appease her ultra Christard oppressive family rather than moving out and living her life.

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>> No. 27685 Anonymous
4th November 2018
Sunday 9:20 pm
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I am trying to refer myself to nhs psychological services but I am scared of mentioning that I have had suicidal thoughts because I will get my driving license taken away and my car is my only connection to the outside world.
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>> No. 27722 Anonymous
7th November 2018
Wednesday 7:29 pm
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>>27721
That's not at all accurate. Mental Health services are under tremendoes strain in the UK, but adult psychology save lives. I was told, in no uncertain terms, that if I missed an appointment without giving the appropriate notice I would be discharged so I didn't miss any appointments. They bent over backwards to help me, for which I'll forever be grateful.

Also, psychologists don't prescribe medication. Psychiatrists do, and they are very much only concerned with the clinical side of psychology, the treatment of symptoms, etc. Psychology is the cure.
>> No. 27723 Anonymous
7th November 2018
Wednesday 7:59 pm
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>>27722

> I was told, in no uncertain terms, that if I missed an appointment without giving the appropriate notice I would be discharged

> They bent over backwards to help me

Those two statements are entirely opposite to each other.

Mental health payments will miss appointments all the time for reasons ranging from the effects of medication, to staying in bed depressed and miserable, to flat-out self destructive cut off your nose to spite your faced-ness.

Basically they just wanted as many money saving reasons to kick you out of treatment as possible.

It's why I always recommend going private if at all possible for anything psychological or psychiatric. Private doctors don't tend to kick people who are paying them close to a thousand snaps a month out of therapy for missing a few appointments; in fact they'll do a home visit and charge you double for sticking a needle in you if need be.

That's what I call service.
>> No. 27724 Anonymous
7th November 2018
Wednesday 8:19 pm
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>>27720

>had crisis team workers tell me that my suicidal thoughts can be abated by having a nice bath.

Welcome to the nice hot bath and a cup of tea club. The transformative power of hot liquid is a running joke amongst the chronically mentally ill. In fairness to the crisis team, they're barely trained and have ridiculous workloads.

>>27723

The problem is politicians, not healthcare professionals. IME the vast majority of people in the NHS are trying their best, but they just don't have the money to offer a reasonable level of care. The NHS as a whole is underfunded relative to the increases in demand. Mental health represents 23% of the overall burden of disease, but receives just 10% of the NHS budget.

It's still very much a postcode lottery; the quality of care you'll receive is directly proportional to the budget deficit of your local NHS trust. It's a shit situation, but it's the situation we're in.
>> No. 27725 Anonymous
7th November 2018
Wednesday 9:28 pm
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>>27724

I'm definitely not slagging off the hardworking people at the NHS, but as my granny used to say "you can't make a silk purse out of a pig's ear", and you can't get decent medical care out of an underfunded system which seems to be set up more and more as a money making system for private government contractors (probably all departments are like this, but I only have insider and outsider experience with the NHS so I feel on better ground slagging off the way the "trusts" are run).
>> No. 27726 Anonymous
7th November 2018
Wednesday 9:31 pm
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>>27725
Yes, that 9% spent on third party providers really shows how much we're being taken for a ride.

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>> No. 27701 Anonymous
6th November 2018
Tuesday 9:14 pm
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When I drink, the world doesn't seem so bad, people are less scary, I'm less shifty eyed and care a lot less about what other people are doing, I don't need to wear a hat to conceal my face and eyes, I don't care about the positioning of my eyelids and whether my contact lenses are making my eyes look too watery, and I'm making all sorts of sensible future plans.

The anxiety relieving effects of alcohol are pretty much the main reason why I drink more than I should, or it's pretty much the only reason I drink. How do I get rid of constant anxiety without becoming an alcoholic? What are the treatment options, and how well do they work?
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>> No. 27702 Anonymous
6th November 2018
Tuesday 10:05 pm
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This post covers the essentials: >>27190 . There's more information available at the Mind website:

https://www.mind.org.uk/information-support/types-of-mental-health-problems/anxiety-and-panic-attacks/

If you have any questions, I'd be happy to answer them.
>> No. 27703 Anonymous
7th November 2018
Wednesday 10:58 am
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> When I drink, the world doesn't seem so bad, people are less scary, I'm less shifty eyed and care a lot less about what other people are doing
I can relate.
For the aforementioned effect though I'd have to drink just a bit and no more. A larger dose makes me shutdown and withdraw, which in itself isn't a bad state either, similar to a slightly delirious meditation.
Sage for adding nothing of value.

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