|>>|| No. 24294
I was in straight relationships until I was in my early twenties - all of them failed because I wasn't happy. I loved my boyfriends dearly, but I couldn't stand to have sex with them after the initial period and it would eventually break down.
I figured it might be my fault - then I fell in love with a woman, had my first gay relationship, realised I was very gay and I actually loved sex.
I've 'fallen in love'/developed 'crushes' with men before, men who I've dated, men that I haven't, men that I've just been friends with. In hindsight, I figured they were just very strong feelings of platonic love and affection that I confused for something romantic (I never allowed myself to entertain the possibility that I was gay for many years) because I didn't know any better.
But recently, I've developed strong feelings for a man again, and I still feel like I've fallen into romantic love. This man is a close friend, but he's more than that to me. I miss him when he leaves the room. I love all his flaws and awkwardness. I love to hear his voice, I dream about him at night, I want to cuddle him and keep him by my side and even kiss him. But not really any more than that. He's a handsome and fit man, but I don't like men's bodies. I want to kiss him but I recoil at the thought of touching or being touched by him in a sexual way. I've occasionally had thoughts of making love to him, but with all the mechanics of the act censored out in my mind and with the consideration that I would feel no actual sexual gratification yet I would be satisfied by the experience just because it's with him.
What's wrong with me? I really hate all this lgtbqa++++ build-your-own-sexual-identity bullshit, but here I find myself unable to define my own sexuality. Sometimes I really wish I was bisexual, but I'm not. Am I 'bi-romantic'? Am I going to go my whole life falling in love with men that Ill never be able to physically engage with?