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>> No. 18262 Anonymous ## Mod ##
5th March 2014
Wednesday 8:27 pm
18262 Please check the old pages for similar threads Locked Stickied
before creating a new one.
Failure to do so may result in angry shouting.
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>> No. 29363 Anonymous
2nd February 2020
Sunday 12:12 pm
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Go here if you want to talk to someone one-on-one: https://discord.gg/Nwn8b29

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>> No. 30011 Anonymous
20th September 2020
Sunday 10:32 pm
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Should I start weaning myself off tranny porn? I know that on a scientific level the combination of a penis + tits and a vaguely feminine figure can really get the old neurons a firin', but hot traps don't really exist in real life unless you have £150-£200 to spend on escorts.

I think this is a question that can be extended to anyone who wanks to non-vanilla stuff. In a world full of horses, ponies, and donkeys, is it wise to train yourself to get off to unicorns?
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>> No. 30015 Anonymous
20th September 2020
Sunday 11:12 pm
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I really believe my life would have turned out much better had I not watched any porn at all, or drastically reduced my viewing.

Unfortunately, I'm trapped in a loveless relationship wherein my 'partner' and I don't have sex, but are staying together for the sake of our child, so pornography is my only real outlet for sexual frustration, but that's another story.

I think the aggregate impact on men of porn is mostly bad, so any weening off of it is a positive life choice in my view.
>> No. 30016 Anonymous
20th September 2020
Sunday 11:22 pm
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Do you have a reason to believe that porn has mostly negative effects?

Also your child will work out that it's a loveless relationship pretty damned quickly, so they'll be better off if you make a clean break now rather than a messy break later.


>most straight vanilla lads will have grown up wanking to models like Imogen Thomas, when in reality the best they can do is a bird like Scarlett Moffatt

You thin fetishists really do get the shitty end of the stick. I'd take Moffatt over Thomas in a heartbeat.
>> No. 30017 Anonymous
21st September 2020
Monday 12:28 am
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Don't listen to that nofap bullshit - porn does no harm. If it did work that way then the logical conclusion would be to wank while doing the housework and other chores.

>hot traps don't really exist in real life unless you have £150-£200 to spend on escorts

Have you tried? Clubs usually do transgender nights if you're willing to travel and I imagine it's quite a lonely life. Or if its just a no-strings fantasy you want to try then £200 is nothing in the grand scheme of things.

Failing that, I enjoy pornographic games so do that if you don't mind an enormous time-sink.

>People would generally rather watch Premiership football than their local non-league team

Am I really such a wrong'un that I quite prefer the mid-low leagues? It feels more...real and it's enjoyable to fantasise that you probably could. Give me a brunette with a nice smile and a bit of character, average body that has the weight in the right places and body-hair.

I suppose it's only logical that with age I've come to appreciate women that my mind associates more with motherhood.
>> No. 30018 Anonymous
21st September 2020
Monday 12:35 am
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>I'd take Moffatt over Thomas in a heartbeat.

You might want to do your googling before you make any rash decision. Moffatt is skinny these days while Thomas has a body.
>> No. 30019 Anonymous
21st September 2020
Monday 6:07 am
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At that point it's rude not to call it a BAWDEHH.

>> No. 23560 Anonymous
16th November 2016
Wednesday 6:49 pm
23560 Minor angst and existential dread, Mk. I
We tend to have a lot of repeated threads here, but I also get the feeling people don't tend to post in /emo/ unless it's a big issue.

With this in mind I suggest that we have a thread for stuff that's got you down a bit and you need to get off your chest, without it being major enough to make an entire thread devoted to it. We can also use it as a go-to for minor relationship advice, work problems, social drama, and things like that.

Everyone gets down from time to time, let's put some Sisters of Mercy on and wallow together for a while.
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>> No. 30006 Anonymous
13th September 2020
Sunday 2:06 pm
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>> No. 30007 Anonymous
13th September 2020
Sunday 2:07 pm
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It was a sarcastic joke meant to parody the alt-right's usage of it and it didn't land. What can I say.
>> No. 30008 Anonymous
13th September 2020
Sunday 2:20 pm
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Give it a few weeks. You're feeling consumed by it because of how recently it happened. It'll wear off a bit when it isn't so fresh.
>> No. 30009 Anonymous
13th September 2020
Sunday 11:24 pm
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It's difficult to parody the alt-right because so many people actually think like that; they're sort of everywhere.
>> No. 30010 Anonymous
14th September 2020
Monday 1:29 am
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The difference here is that these people know my political leanings, and know that I wouldn't seriously mean it. They are just so eager to get that one up, to be 100% holier-than-thou.

Either way, this is just one aspect of the group - there are ridiculous double standards at play, absolutely childish cliques within it, and generally thinking about it I've been meeting up with them semi-regularly but I can't think of a time I actually enjoyed it that much. Primarily, it was the relief of getting out of the house. I'm no longer on the same wavelength as these people in many respects - whilst I used to, I no longer enjoy the same music they do, I don't play the same games, most of them tend to be hypersexual, and spend hours and hours talking about relationships whilst I'm a permavirgin. As I say, outside of larger group settings I don't really exist to many of them.

Yesterday's events were mainly a catalyst to get me think about the unhealthiness of the whole thing, but also feeling trapped that realistically I can't ditch it unless I want to spend at least the next few months without seeing someone face-to-face.

>> No. 29985 Anonymous
6th September 2020
Sunday 11:50 am
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I’ve been in the habit of checking out of my own life and going along with whatever is happening. I have been turning the tide on that so I’m now in good shape, with good hobbies, and have a decent job that I enjoy. However that’s got me to the point where I now have to confront my relationships, which are pretty bad because I’ve been disingenuous for a long time.

As a result, I am lonely and don’t make much effort with the friends I have or people I know. Over the years I’ve been in the habit of not standing up for myself, of being quiet, and of not expressing how I actually feel. Instead I’ve had an overly agreeable personality and swept any issues under the rug.

This means that my friendships are weird and in order to keep pretending, I end up flaky and unreliable. It’s gotten worse over the years to now where I don’t call or text people and seldom see anyone but my family. Rather than just say what’s wrong, I’ve been an arse and avoided these people or the problem. Maybe it'd magically go away? To acquaintances I likely seem aloof or reserved, which also hinders my chances of being reasonably social. This plays out in my mind a lot, and I end up sad and not doing anything on the internet. I'm currently being asked 'what I did this summer' which you can imagine is thrilling.

Turning it around feels doable, but I am finding it hard just accepting the utter mess that I have made of my social life. I’m curious if you have had experiences like this and how you’ve managed it, or whether there’s something interesting to read on the topic. I had a rough childhood which is the cause for a lot of this. Most of my life has been about survival, so the ideas like 'being honest' and 'if you don't like someone, don't be friends with them' all seem very new.

tl;dr - have you had to grow a pair? What's it like? Is there a book on it?
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>> No. 29986 Anonymous
6th September 2020
Sunday 2:38 pm
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What is it exactly you want from these relationships? Because it sounds like you don't care really about these people you just feel like you are supposed to.
>> No. 29987 Anonymous
6th September 2020
Sunday 7:06 pm
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Honestly my best mate nowadays is my girlfriend, which sounds a bit sad, but out of any of my friends she's by far the most reliable. Hasn't turned me down on a pint yet, and she always wants to come and see the same films I want to see.

I was in a similar position for a while I suppose, and it caused me a similar level of distress. The hardest thing was figuring out if it's me who isn't putting in enough effort, or if it's them who are constantly just flaking on me and letting me down. I came to the conclusion that it doesn't effectively matter- Either way you're clearly just not as arsed hanging out with each other as you used to be. What difference does it make.

One the whole covid thing is done with I'm hoping to make a bit of a "fresh start" so to speak. I've actually put a lot of things "right" with my life over the course of the crisis, weirdly enough, and it has lifted a lot of the anxieties from my shoulders knowing that I am indeed capable of change instead of just wallowing in a rut. Making some new friends is probably the only thing I'm missing now. A clean slate with no past baggage and such would only be a good thing I think.

In general I don't think it's worth stressing about trying to rekindle friendships that have grown distant. It might be sad to grow apart from someone you considered yourself close to, but you don't have to burn the bridge entirely. At best, it's just kind of forcing things, and it leaves you feeling twice as bitter if things end up stagnating again.
>> No. 29988 Anonymous
6th September 2020
Sunday 7:30 pm
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>Honestly my best mate nowadays is my girlfriend, which sounds a bit sad, but out of any of my friends she's by far the most reliable. Hasn't turned me down on a pint yet, and she always wants to come and see the same films I want to see.

This sounds like a great and healthy situation, it honestly sounds sadder that you think this is a problem somehow.
>> No. 29989 Anonymous
6th September 2020
Sunday 8:16 pm
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I don't think it's a problem, just that it's generally seen as healthier to have a good mix of social acquaintances as well as a romantic partner. Not putting all your eggs in one basket, sort of thing. If I didn't have any other mates and we broke up (not that I foresee that happening), it'd be devastating.

>> No. 29974 Anonymous
25th August 2020
Tuesday 11:17 pm
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tl;dr got attached to an internet person I'd never met know consciously knowing it was a ridiculous thing to do and now she's off on a date and I'm having a crisis I knew would happen.

Been chatting with this young American bird on the internet, we talk a lot on the phone, shared pictures, I knew it was just a bit of fun for her but I got attached because I've been completely friendless and lived alone for five years and have never really had any interest from any women, internet ones or otherwise, today she has a date in real life and I wished her well and all that but internally I am screaming, I knew full well I shouldn't let this happen but given the context I also knew it was inevitable that I would let myself get attached to some stupid idea out of desperation and now I can't handle it.

Fucks sake lads.
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>> No. 29975 Anonymous
25th August 2020
Tuesday 11:29 pm
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>consciously knowing it was a ridiculous thing to do

It is difficult to give advice, without sounding callous or harsh to you - and I certainly don't mean it to come across that way, but it probably will.

You both sought and got comfort from a situation that was never, or hardly ever going to resolve in a positive way. She is sharing the fact she "has a date" with you, for a reason - it's the long distance equivalent of a breakup. You were both doing it for "a bit of fun" and there is absolutely nothing wrong with that.

You're obviously capable of forming relationships, friendships with women - focus on that positive aspect. You've done it once, you'll do it again. With time, this pain will pass.

>> No. 29968 Anonymous
25th August 2020
Tuesday 10:34 pm
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I'm having trouble at work because I can't seem to focus which leads to a backlog that only builds up making it worse. Tasks that are "do this by 2" are fine but larger projects requiring creativity have become challenging. Any tips on restoring and managing executive function?

The obvious solution is to take holiday so middle of next month I'm off for two weeks but what can I do to focus and survive until then?
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>> No. 29969 Anonymous
25th August 2020
Tuesday 10:42 pm
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It sounds like you need a bit of structure. Sit down, maybe with a colleague if needed, and get a bit of a plan in place. Doesn't have to be fancy with brilliant time estimates. Could just be some scribbles in a note book. But something to give you a rough idea of the shape of the project and what bits might depend on other bits.

In the software development world, something like Trello (free) is popular as a way of making little cards for things like this with columns to show status. (Until you decide it doesn't have enough features and you move to something else).
>> No. 29970 Anonymous
25th August 2020
Tuesday 10:43 pm
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May I ask, without too many specifics, what kind of work do you do?

I have felt the same this year, as have many others I know. Definitely recommend taking a break - I am in the middle of my first two week holiday this year (!) and already feel about a hundred times better. I think a lot of people who have been working from home the past five months have also been putting the hours in and going very hard, and burnout is a real issue, as is general mental health on not seeing people in person. It is very difficult to be creative when you're in this space.

Talk to the people around you, particularly if you're under pressure - many of us are in the same boat.
>> No. 29972 Anonymous
25th August 2020
Tuesday 11:02 pm
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You're right, there's definitely an improvement if I can sit down and go through exactly what I need to do.

We have a similar system at work for task management but I ended up resenting the idea that others can see what I'm doing. It feels quite unnatural for me where usually I like jumping through tasks as and when.

Creative stuff where I'm part translating reams of information into packages. Yeah, I was thinking back when I was writing OP that I really haven't taken any time off since Christmas because options are quite limited at the moment besides doing nothing.

There was and idea to use the bank holiday to get away and see an old mate but it looks the usual engineering works is going on. Maybe I will try and relax with a new game.
>> No. 29973 Anonymous
25th August 2020
Tuesday 11:04 pm
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>besides doing nothing

But that's the important part - I have spent the past week dodging the rain and doing DIY around the house, reading, and mostly only using this computer and not the one that is about 1 metre to the left and hooked up to the work VPN - doing nothing is good. Games are good. Don't feel guilty about doing nothing, that is the literal definition of taking a break.

On the work and prioritisation stuff, I recommend a system called Getting Things Done - I don't use it all the time like a madman, but I do fall back on it when I get stressed or task-overloaded as you have described; there are other systems, but that one works for me - it's a book by David Allen and is used/taught by a lot of companies. It begins with a great big braindump, and I find that part very soothing when it all gets too much.

>> No. 29963 Anonymous
25th August 2020
Tuesday 9:48 am
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How do you cope with disappointment?
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>> No. 29965 Anonymous
25th August 2020
Tuesday 11:09 am
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Strike a balance between being not getting your hopes up but not being too pessimistic.
>> No. 29966 Anonymous
25th August 2020
Tuesday 11:12 am
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I try to be rational about it, note the ways that this thing did not live up to expectations, and think about whether this is just a fact of life, or if there's some other thing that might reach my expectations.

Maybe I'm wrong in my judgements, and accepting more of the former. Our resident Buddhists and nihilists will no doubt jump out of the woodwork to tell me that searching for more is wrong and will keep me forever unhappy, but that hasn't been my experience so far in life.
>> No. 29967 Anonymous
25th August 2020
Tuesday 7:35 pm
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Prevention is cheaper than the cure, which is what the first reply here points out. I think it's the philosopher Seneca who best outlined how anger, disappointment and regret all stem from the same misalignment of expectation, and reality. The old truism of expecting the worst at all times is really quite hard to argue with, without resorting to sheer sentimentality.

The important question if you are already experiencing disappointment, however, is if you have you learned from it. Were your expectations realistic? If so, what went wrong? Can you apply that lesson next time, or is it out of your hands?


It's not that searching for something to make you happy will never be fruitful, it's more that when you have found something to make you happy, the tendency is to simply want more. It's perfectly possible to find happiness, it's just never enough, hence paradoxically "unhappy" in the sense that you always have some new idea of happiness to chase that you don't currently posess.

I think wrapping your head around that is a very useful exercise in mindfulness, not in the wishy washy "well there's no point trying to achieve anything" sense, but in helping you to really view what you do have and what you could have a bit more objectively. I'm a hedonist, I don't resist nor see any inherent virtue in resisting the instinctive drive to seek pleasure. But I know when I'm going to make myself miserable by lusting after something that I'll never realistically have.

>> No. 29931 Anonymous
10th August 2020
Monday 2:25 am
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What is the proper social protocol for starting up platonic acquaintanceships with people you meet on a night out? Somehow I often end up exchanging numbers with temporary drinking buddies when I go out drinking alone but it has never lead anywhere. Is it even supposed to lead somewhere or is it just a thing drunks do and forget about in the cold light of day?

Am I supposed to invite these people somewhere or is that a bit gay? If some one-night drinking buddy invited me to go somewhere I would immediately assume that they had intentions of the shirt lifting kind, but I have self-diagnosed myself with both autism and sex appeal so I have no idea how a regular person would process this sort of stuff.
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>> No. 29932 Anonymous
10th August 2020
Monday 7:08 am
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Most straightforward protocol I can think of is sending a text like, "hey mate it's x from y, will you be at y again on Friday? I'll be there with z give me a message if you want to join".

Don't worry about coming across as a shirt-lifter, you can always clarify later. The less date-like you can make it the better.

Ideally during one of your pissups you strike on a mutual hobby and can meet in a different context, with a similarly casual invitation.
>> No. 29933 Anonymous
10th August 2020
Monday 10:07 am
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I've always just deleted their numbers after a while.
>> No. 29934 Anonymous
10th August 2020
Monday 11:03 am
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How do you meet people when you go out alone?
>> No. 29935 Anonymous
10th August 2020
Monday 12:08 pm
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>> No. 29936 Anonymous
10th August 2020
Monday 9:30 pm
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Usually I ask people for a light or sit at the bar and things somehow snowball from there.

Audible mirth. Hits very close to home.

>> No. 29926 Anonymous
8th August 2020
Saturday 12:29 am
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I rarely feel comfortable. I have a dreadful attention span. I want to be able to enjoy the moment I am in.

Do you know that feeling you get when you're waiting in the doctors office? You're browsing through your phone or a two year old Top Gear magazine, yet you aren't fully reclined, you can't focus on the article, your ears are up waiting for the call. It's nothing time.

Well that's how I feel all the time. I feel like I'm waiting for something. I don't commit to anything. I have a poor attention span. Most of my 'down time' is spent thinking about what I can do to enjoy my down time. Planning out some film to watch that I won't, or a game to play that I'll quit within 10 minutes. I feel like it's an internet thing. I really believe it has ruined my attention in many ways.

This is impacting my relaxation time, it is impacting my studies, career, etc.
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>> No. 29927 Anonymous
8th August 2020
Saturday 12:35 am
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Don't be so hasty to blame the internet. It sounds like you might be scared to commit to doing just one thing, as that can seem like it closes the doors to all the other infinite possibilites of things to do.
>> No. 29928 Anonymous
8th August 2020
Saturday 12:45 am
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I read The Shallows by Nicholas Carr last year and the author put forth a pretty convincing argument for how our thought processes are shaped by the technologies we invent. We invented the book, and the book shaped our minds to think in deep, patient, and contemplative ways. We invented the internet, and the internet is moulding our brains to constantly seek out quick hits of shallow information.

Experimenting with limiting one's internet use is definitely a good idea.

>> No. 29901 Anonymous
5th August 2020
Wednesday 1:43 am
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I can't stop sobbing, I'm not a risk to anything bad, I know it'll get easier, I'm just so unhappy my eyes sting and i'm just looking for someone to tell I can't stop crying.

A girl I love is happier with someone else, she moved on after 2 month back to her ex, I suspect they were talking whilst we were together, I just dont feel good enough, I'm a grown arse man at 27 and I can't deal with it .gs I feel pathetic. I have such AWFUL urges I KNOW i'll never indulge but they're there. I'll be happier one day but for now I'll be miserable.
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>> No. 29907 Anonymous
5th August 2020
Wednesday 2:03 am
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Allowing your pain is part of how you grow and move on.

It will get easier.
>> No. 29908 Anonymous
5th August 2020
Wednesday 2:07 am
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Two months isn't a long time when you felt strongly for someone. You'll get there. With any luck in the morning with the hangover you'll feel worse about spilling your guts on here while drunk than you do about her. And that'll pass too.
>> No. 29909 Anonymous
5th August 2020
Wednesday 2:12 am
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>>29908 Is it that obvious I'm drunk?
>> No. 29911 Anonymous
5th August 2020
Wednesday 2:13 am
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Yes, you'll see why tomorrow.
>> No. 29912 Anonymous
5th August 2020
Wednesday 2:19 am
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I realise it is terrible reductionist, but it is apparent from her terrible decision making that you have just said, that she isn't that great.

I'm sure there are elements of personality that you consider to make an ideal match you are caught up in the paradigm of life with her still. But that has passed, it can never be revisited successfully you can only move forward never back.

Focusing on what you had is about as productive as forcing yourself to ignore your hunger pains because you don't feel like starting dinner. You'll spend an enormous amount of energy on something that is actually self defeating putting off the inevitable in a way that makes you feel worse in the end.

Ultimately you don't need her, you don't actually need anyone you can be complete again without anyone else in your life but you have to getting off the couch and going to the kitchen to make that happen.

>> No. 29836 Anonymous
16th July 2020
Thursday 7:35 pm
29836 Siblings
I feel like some of the most difficult relationships one has, particularly as you get older, are your siblings. I don't think I am the only one, but would love to share/hear other experiences.

My brother still isn't able to keep a job, find a regular place to live, or hold down normal relationships. Some of this is due to mental health issues, but not all. He steals / borrows / takes the piss/money off most people in the family. I won't abandon him, but it's getting to the point where I think we might be enabling him.

Do any of you have great relationships with your siblings as you got older?
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>> No. 29850 Anonymous
18th July 2020
Saturday 6:05 pm
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It sounds like the weirdness is because she is depending on you in a way siblings don't. I'd gamble that like most single mothers she doesn't really have friends anymore and men don't exactly queue up to be a step-father.

Single mothers need love too m8
>> No. 29851 Anonymous
18th July 2020
Saturday 7:24 pm
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>men don't exactly queue up to be a step-father

I seem to know a lot of lads that are punching well above their weight by going after single mums. I'm sure they're not all paedos.
>> No. 29896 Anonymous
2nd August 2020
Sunday 11:06 pm
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I find it harder and harder to connect with my sisters.

I wouldn't say we really agree with each other on any subjects and in conflicts they usually get very dramatic and emotional (and I think a bit manipulative), so basically I avoid talking to them honestly and openly.
It's really chipping away at me to be honest, I feel like I have a feigned personality when I'm around them, and I can't see any situation where they'd understand my point of view. It could be that they're in the right, but this atmosphere where fundamentally disagreeing with them causes a storm just feels wrong.

It's funny because our parents raised to understand history and culture and critical thinking and it feels like that's all gone out of the window for them, when they talk it's like they get all of their knowledge of the world from online news/trivia articles. I know that's no reason to resent your family, but I feel the gulf widening between us.
I don't really have a point or even think I'm in the right here, or that this is very important, it just bothers me a lot and I can't talk about it with anyone else really.
>> No. 29897 Anonymous
2nd August 2020
Sunday 11:16 pm
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>and I think a bit manipulative

My ex had a fair bit of a manipulative streak whenever we got into an argument, where she'd always focus on shot-sightedly "winning" rather than addressing the issue, by resorting to underhanded tactics and saying the sort of things that do more harm than good.

It'd be easy to dismiss it as "that's birds for you innit hurr", but I have a bit of a hypothesis that it's something people who grow up competing with close siblings learn almost by necessity, and subsequently do it without realising. People with a larger age gap between siblings or only childs don't seem to display it.

Probably not much you can do about it anyway, though.
>> No. 29898 Anonymous
3rd August 2020
Monday 12:08 am
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>resorting to underhanded tactics and saying the sort of things that do more harm than good.

Yeah that's definitely the case here, even though talking about whatever issue outside our family life shouldn't matter really, the way it's dealt with feels very alienating I think is the problem. I noticed a lot of the problems on this board aren't actually the issues mentioned by the poster but the disturbances caused by how they perceive the problem.

>> No. 29883 Anonymous
31st July 2020
Friday 9:56 pm
29883 Pandemic Parties
Alright lads, it's one of my mates' birthdays tomorrow. With it being the height of summer and him being a bit of an attention seeking sperg, it usually means we have a full day of events, mostly involving drinking.

The only problem is this year, he has scheduled (and I really mean that, dozens of messages from him with precise times and places) pretty much the same. And this is what gets me.

I'm in Hull like 50% of .gs, and I know cases here are lower than the UK average, but in some ways "going to a new-to-us slightly rough pub, before going to a slightly rough snooker club that stayed open when it shouldn't have, then probably going to some random rough pub down Holderness Road for the FA Cup Final, then going to a restaurant" just feels like the brainwork of someone who doesn't really care for the current moment.

I don't want to feel like an irresponsible wanker, and I don't want to get Covid. I'm fat myself, I have elderly relatives I'm only a degree of contact from, my coworker I'm in close contact with has elderly parents. It's unlikely but I just wish I wasn't being made to feel like this for the sake of his ego. I'll look a right cunt if I back out now.

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>> No. 29884 Anonymous
31st July 2020
Friday 10:03 pm
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If you're not comfortable don't go; if you get pissed you probably won't follow the guidelines anyway.

Tell him to go to Lantern for a steak instead.
>> No. 29886 Anonymous
31st July 2020
Friday 10:40 pm
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I would have absolutely no qualms about telling him to fuck off and go on his own. It just seems completely irresponsible to do this right now; you'll doubtless have a great time, given that we haven't been able to do this for ages, but also, you'll become one of those statistics.

You won't look like a right cunt if you back off - the numbers have started to go up, and you don't feel comfortable going, just say that. If he starts (particularly as you say he's an attention seeker), just let him go on his own.
>> No. 29887 Anonymous
1st August 2020
Saturday 3:43 pm
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I just know we're going to get a follow-up post to this in a weeks time saying WHY DO I HAVE COVID19.
>> No. 29888 Anonymous
1st August 2020
Saturday 7:21 pm
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At least you feel bad about letting him down, but if he's a reasonable person he'll understand.

It was my birthday a few weeks ago, and instead of the big night out I had planned I just invited a couple of mates over to my flat. Both of them made extremely tepid excuses and let me down the same day. My "friends" only like me when I'm selling them drugs or otherwise fulfilling the role of event planner, soon as I ask them over for a quiet drink and a chat they can barely disguise their indifference.

Don't put yourself at risk, if he has other mates to show up he won't be too gutted. But if you're going to bail on him, at least let him know early on and be honest about it, don't just make up some shitty half arsed excuse. That's the bit that actually hurts.

>> No. 29877 Anonymous
27th July 2020
Monday 4:19 pm
29877 How to ask for help
How do you work up the courage to ask for help and to actually act on decent advice?

I feel stuck in a rut (well have done for some time) and my anxiety and general misery doesn't seem to shift, and regret builds.

I have always struggled with deciding what I actually want out of life. When you are younger this isn't so much of an issue, but I'm 29 now and I feel I have rapidly fallen behind due to being indecisive. Whilst I have it better than a lot of people, I'm still not happy with where I am, or at least not with the options it gives me for the future. The future is no longer something I look forward to, but rather something that frightens me as I realise I have wasted many opportunities and made some bad decisions that have left me stuck in this rut. There are of course a lot of things that concern me about the future that I have little control over (political and social factors for example) that I shouldn't factor in too much, although they do make me incredibly anxious sometimes.

My parents are great, and whilst I know they love and support me, we don't speak emotionally (apart from once when my dad was very drunk and I was 21, that was nice). When I had a bit of a freak out around Christmas time, they said that if there was any issue to just tell them, they can't promise to have the solution but it's better I share things with them. Whilst I agree, it is much easier to say that than to actually honestly share my feelings and concerns (I can only ever seem to do that anonymously online). I also feel that at 29, I shouldn't be burdening them with problems, I should be at an age where I can help them out but I can't really (not that they need help).

On that note, I have had reasonable advice given online or by friends, and whilst it makes sense on paper, it is often hard to have the courage to act on it sometimes.

I was watching Withnail and I last night, and one of Danny's lines stuck with me more than normal: "If you're hanging on to a rising balloon, you're presented with a difficult decision - let go before it's too late or hang on and keep getting higher, posing the question: how long can you keep a grip on the rope? " - I'm scared I'm passing the point of no return.

I realise this is a rambly post, so to summarise, what is the best way to realise what you want and to stick to it, and how best to work up the courage to take on advice and ask for help?
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>> No. 29878 Anonymous
27th July 2020
Monday 6:24 pm
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Isn't that what you just did?
>> No. 29879 Anonymous
27th July 2020
Monday 6:47 pm
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That's a hard one, not just for the meta-quality of giving advice on how to take advice, but the individual motivations involved which actually push someone into acting.

I made a decision around 25 to really apply myself to life in a way I hadn't before. Like you, I had this impending sense of limited time, and I realised a lot of the things I envisioned myself doing would take a tremendous amount of commitment and forward planning if they were ever going to happen.

Emotionally, I realised I was very afraid of being embarrassed or otherwise uncomfortable in my efforts, but I also realised that the pain of never attempting to get what I want would be far greater than the pain of being humiliated or hurt while trying.

Sorry for the cliche response, but that's basically how it went. For the past five or six years I've obsessively planned out my life in a spreadsheet which directly relates my career to my job to my budget, month by month in concrete steps; save up this much, apply for this job, get on this training course, move to this area, all in service of achieving this goal. I check in every few weeks or so to adjust course.

It's not glamorous, but it works. I've achieved more than I thought possible in this time, and at the best of times it feels like I have control over my life.

As for actually finding the motivation -- well, I can only offer more advice which you might not take. It'll take some introspection on your part to figure out why you find it difficult to act, but from the sounds of it, it's related to a lack of overall direction. What inspires you? What do you want your life to look like?

I personally built my foundation on reading. Fiction, history, things which I felt orientated me in the world in some kind of definable position. Once I developed that base, I drew a lot of inspiration from biographies of real life people, and literature that deals especially with finding purpose. Of course, what worked for me may not work for you.

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>> No. 29880 Anonymous
27th July 2020
Monday 11:56 pm
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I took out a help to buy ISA, something I'd been putting off for ages, and that helped me feel like I've taken control of things. In reality fuck all has changed except a direct debit for £200 a month but it's progress, and best of all progress I don't have to think about, but know is happening in the background automatically.

That's just the thing though. "In reality" fuck all changes most of the time. I want you to try a little thought experiment with me here: Say you wake up tomorrow and you decide overcome all your anxieties and burdens, by some miracle you're just rejuvenated and filled with confidence. Physically, tangibly, what actually would you be doing differently?

It's little differences here and there mostly. When you think about it bluntly and objectively like this, that's when you realise just how little power you really have over the grander course of life, but how much power you have over the things you do have power over. Say you want to sort out your career for example- In practice it's not some big drastic change, it's just logging onto Monster for half an hour each night and sending off a few more CVs. If you want to lose weight, it's not actually a huge ordeal- It's just a matter of giving up the twix and packet of crisps at lunchtime.

90% of the rest of your life, in the meantime, will still go on unchanged, on autopilot, in the meantime. But you'll have the peace of mind knowing you are doing something.

Danny says read a book about Taoism and wu-wei, that ought to sort you out.
>> No. 29882 Anonymous
30th July 2020
Thursday 12:13 am
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>I also feel that at 29, I shouldn't be burdening them with problems

No - maybe at 49, but at your age lots of people have issues with where they are going in life. You're quite normal.

Also >>29878 is right. You just did.

>> No. 29855 Anonymous
19th July 2020
Sunday 10:16 pm
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I feel like I've lost a lot of empathy for people, generally, and I don't put very much effort into being liked or making friends.

The exception is my romantic and sexual life. When I like someone in that way, I invest a lot in making a good impression and being kind towards them. I've been with my current girlfriend a year and things are going really well.

The problem is I've lost that drive to keep being nice in many other contexts. There used to be a social buzz from telling a good joke and charming even platonic friends, like a bit of dopamine or something, but that's just not there anymore. And since I'm already attached, naturally being flirtatious or pursuing anyone is off-limits, but that seems to be the only way I can stir myself to care.

It's got to the point I've caught myself chatting on dating apps just to feel social, and while I haven't cheated on my girlfriend, I don't know what other way that route could possibly take me. They've now been uninstalled, and I've been trying to think about why I'd feel the need to while I'm already in a good relationship.

This all leaves me feeling quite a cold and isolated individual when my girlfriend isn't around. I don't really seek to impress in groups, I keep things as minimal and professional as possible at work, I barely speak to my roommate, and I'm not particularly interested in meeting anyone new.

I'm not sure what I'm getting at or if there's a solution to this, but I recognise I could probably make life more pleasant for others if I were a bit more open... Yet I don't know if it would really do much for me, in return, which doesn't seem balanced or rewarding.

Short version: I'm only socially motivated by sex, it seems, and now that I'm satisfied in that department I've become a very distant person.

Has anyone gone through something similar? Any general comments or advice?
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>> No. 29863 Anonymous
20th July 2020
Monday 5:45 pm
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I don't know what to tell you in terms of a solution to the problem, OP, but I wanted to post to say that I actually find myself in almost the exact same situation.

I've got about 4-5 people I'd call actual friends, and I rarely see them compared to what you'd probably call a normal social life. I think some of that is a normal part of adulthood, you can't spend every weekend out on the lash like you did as a younger lad, but even so. I spend a lot more time chatting to various birds I've met online or used to shag, than I do with any of my male friends.

Not sure what to really do about it.
>> No. 29864 Anonymous
20th July 2020
Monday 6:18 pm
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I don't even really have the 4 or 5 people. The only people I spend time with socially are my girlfriend, and one or two girls who I dated but never became fully involved with. I message a few friends from back home almost every day, but as far as a real social life, there's owt.

I just don't enjoy socialising with mates like I used to. To be fair, my social life when I was younger wasn't the typical go out and get smashed, but tended to be focused around close one-on-one relationships, so maybe this is just a continuation of such.

Reflecting in this thread has still got me wondering: what do I actually want, socially? If I don't enjoy impressing crowds, and I don't like hanging out with mates so much... in what environment do I even want to fit in? What sort of social environment can I create for myself?
>> No. 29865 Anonymous
20th July 2020
Monday 9:43 pm
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Well I'm quite similar in that regard. When I was growing up, the village I lived in really only had one other lad in my age group who was interested in something other than just playing football and setting fire to things. So I only really had him for my early years.

Through secondary school I had a bit of a turbulent time, I'd get to know people and be mates with them but I was always more comfortable doing stuff one on one than at bigger events like parties and what have you. I more or less forced myself to do those things to avoid being a total outcast.

In early adulthood I had a reasonably respectable circle of friends, but over the last decade it's only dwindled further and further. Out of the 4-5 people I mentioned, I consider two of them my actual friends, who I'm comfortable inviting over or asking if I can come round to hang out at theirs, but I still only do so every month or two.

I think I was always shy but as an adult I've just sort of given up on it because it's too much hassle, and I don't want to feel like I'm bothering anyone. The longer it's gone on, the less I can be arsed- There's been plenty of times they've flaked out on plans and such and I've just stopped bothering trying to organise things any more.

I think like someone else said, it's just turning into a bit of a grumpy old git and is somewhat inevitable. I think you should probably make an effort to keep one or two close mates for the sake of your own sanity, but otherwise I really wouldn't worry about it.
>> No. 29871 Anonymous
26th July 2020
Sunday 8:06 am
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OP here. Girlfriend is away for another three weeks. I'm too much of a grumpy shite to get in touch with any old uni friends or colleagues, I didn't enjoy their company much. On the other hand, I don't particularly want to spend the next 21 days in isolation, either.

I've been going to the gym like crazy, being very productive (even working weekends etc.) and I even made the time to meet up with someone that helped me out during my last big move. This is a girl that I almost dated, but didn't. Nothing happened, nor did I want it to, but I'm not going to lie -- it was exhilarating to be around a girl I shared a bit of chemistry with. The only social interaction I've properly enjoyed since the girlfriend left.

I don't think it's healthy for me to only be social with people I want to fuck, but here we are. I've been thinking about joining tinder yet again but have not.

Should I just bite the bullet and make the effort to hang out with someone I don't have those feelings for, and see how it goes? I don't know if I'll enjoy it, exactly...
>> No. 29872 Anonymous
26th July 2020
Sunday 9:16 am
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>in what environment do I even want to fit in? What sort of social environment can I create for myself?

Get a hobby and join a club. You can be sufficiently sociable to avoid turning into a reclusive nutter without having to make any real effort. Golf, angling, snooker, model trains, whatever - they're all just ways for men to hang out with each other without any pressure to have a proper conversation. It's a bit tricky at the moment because of the plague, but clubs provide the kind of nodding-terms familiarity that keeps men sane.

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