>>31190

I get the feeling the word "queer" is starting to lose all meaning too. By this point it seems to be just the word you use if you're not really gay or trans or any of that stuff, but you want to fit in with the hip rainbow acronym clique all the same.

>>31190

I'd rather stick my knob in a blender.

>>31193
That's such a cop out. If you're on the soft and the blender's the right size you're in no danger at all.

>>31194
Haha get a load of micropenis here

>>31192
Undeniably yes. That's pretty much what the word is treated as; they reclaimed the slur and shared it with anyone who wants to be even more special than L, G, B and T. I don't see how it differs from the + in LGBTQIA+, but I'm sure they would all be scandalised to hear that.

>>31195

My therapist recommended it to me once, saying she knew a colleague nearby who was an expert in the field. But because its effectiveness is controversial from what you read online, I decided not to pursue it. I also didn't feel like telling yet another person about my innermost emotional damage. So I stayed with my therapist, and we were able to sort me out with standard CBT.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Eye_movement_desensitization_and_reprocessing
According to wikipedia, "Eye movement desensitization and reprocessing (EMDR) is a form of psychotherapy in which the person being treated is asked to recall distressing images; the therapist then directs the patient in one type of bilateral stimulation, such as side-to-side eye rapid movement or hand tapping.

The treatment apparently works by an unknown process, but the theories are pretty interesting.

The idea recalls to mind how common it is for modern websites to use a left-right image-text scrolling format which requires rapid eye movements to follow. Perhaps there's a hypnotic quality?

>>31101
>The idea recalls to mind how common it is for modern websites to use a left-right image-text scrolling format which requires rapid eye movements to follow. Perhaps there's a hypnotic quality?

It might also be that web and app designers are stumbling upon something hypnotic by pursuing the goal of longer recorded use times by users.

>>31102

This sort of text presentation is way older than the Internet

>>31090

You could turn shagging prozzies into a hobby, too, a bit like trainspotting. Carry a little notebook about, log the time, their name, and their national insurance number, maybe a short description of any rare or unique attributes like a missing leg etc.

>>31090
I'm in the initial stages of writing a how-to book for starting a cult. It's very similar to starting a dictatorship really, the main difference is scale.

>>31091

>>31091

I remember a story in a guy who did more or less than and used the results to publish a sort of hookers guidebook. It’s was obviously on Eurotrash or similar.

>>31091
Sounds like punternet.

Go on?

Define quite overweight.

>When I've been honest with her in the past she has gotten incredibly upset so I think the direct approach is not best here

Why not? You can point out that it's making her unwell and you don't like seeing seeing someone you care for eat herself to death. It's only going to get worse as time goes on.

Maybe you could get her into cooking, absolutely discourage baking, get her thinking about her food that way. Arrange that you eat a small dinner together with no distractions so she can appreciate the tastes and textures over senseless eating. Make her a snob.

I actually had the opposite problem with my last ex. She kept losing weight, and obviously I was happy for her and she was really doing well in terms of achieving her desires.

The problem is she was a lot fitter when she still had an arse on her, she was barely 5 feet tall, with a flat chest, and looked like a ten year old boy once she'd lost the curves. I obviously didn't say it quite that bluntly, just that I liked her when she was more shapely, but she was not impressed.

What I have concluded from this is that a woman's attractiveness to you does not enter her sphere of consideration whatsoever. She couldn't give a toss if you think she's attractive, what she wants is to look in the mirror and see what she wants to see. You're barking up the wrong tree if you think a woman will ever alter her appearance on your behalf- You're just occasionally lucky if the two overlap.

Also if you can't be honest with someone you can't really have anything. So while I don't wish to be harsh, that's not a good sign. By my stage in life my eyes would roll out of the back of my head if my missus asked me that classic "Am I fat?" trap question, and I'd say "Yes, you lardy cunt, but I'm still fucking you aren't I?"

When asked "Do you think I'm fat" from a morbidly obese female relative, my reply was "I'll answer if you want, but i'm not going to lie to you". The question was promptly put to rest.

>>30992

I'm sure I'm repeating what others have said already but it doesn't sound like sociopathy, more something stemming from trauma maybe. Sociopathy isn't about being a loner, it's about a callous disregard and using of the people who you are around. I suspect sociopaths aren't worried about being sociopaths.

>>30993
>I'm sure I'm repeating what others have said
Yeah, i didn't really add much to the thread did i? Thanks for the response, i guess i was just complaining again.

>>30994
Maybe people would like you more if you could capitalise 'i'. I know this is emo but come the fuck on.

You just lack confidence in who you are as a person, probably suffer from being a schizoid and antisocial personality disorder like everyone else on the internet. Just accept who you are and learn to live the life that suits you best, plenty of schizoids still manage long-term relationships. I think women even treat it as a given that their man might spend most of his free-time alone.

Unless you really want to be surrounded by people from some perverse masochism in which case ditch the internet and get yourself a tropical wife.

>>30995
>Maybe people would like you more if you could capitalise 'i'
I'll admit I think I'm the cause of perhaps 90% of 'i' complaints across britfa.gs. Since a child I've wondered why anyone would think themselves important enough to capitalise it. I suppose you could comment that it's in effect a name so it should be capitalised, but it still feels weird to make the claim.

>>30996
>Since a child I've wondered why anyone would think themselves important enough to capitalise it.

You are important enough to capitalise it.

>>34892
>Maybe take a bit of time to do self-care (good opportunity to getting back to the gym now that covid restrictions are easing etc).

Yeah this. OP, take some time to get your life in order first and don't bother jumping straight back into the shark tank for your own sake. Loneliness hurts but begging around like a dog and getting into the first pants that will have you is your worst case scenario.

>Maybe get along to one of those speed dating events as there are no doubt hordes of horny ladies who have been couped up indoors for a over a year, many of whom have just gotten out of unfulfilling long term relationships.

Can confirm this is not the case, it's still as flaky and superficial as always. Partly I think it's a (somewhat justified) cowardice on the part of women-kind however much they actually feel alone. I mean I wouldn't want to get fucked by a bloke either and especially if I had to deal with wolves in sheep's clothing.

>This post is 90% me trying to pick up my droopy lip after the housemate I was shagging last month has told me that we shall no longer be knocking boots now or at any future time

Get out of there before it's too late. Burn your house down and call it self-defence if you have to.

>>30908
>Partly I think it's a (somewhat justified) cowardice on the part of women-kind however much they actually feel alone. I mean I wouldn't want to get fucked by a bloke either and especially if I had to deal with wolves in sheep's clothing.

I appreciate you're trying to take a balanced view, here, but under no circumstances would my "cowardice" ever be viewed as even "somewhat justified", and I really resent the implication that men are wolves by default until they prove otherwise. If you think about it for a second, you should be able to see how viciously sexist that line of thinking is. Lads are human too, after all.

And that was one of the sore points I wanted to express in the OP. I'm really tired of going into every relationship on the backfoot and then having to take a disproportionate responsibility for how well things are going. I just generally feel like I'm jumping through hoops to prove I'm even worth the time.

>>30911
>but under no circumstances would my "cowardice" ever be viewed as even "somewhat justified", and I really resent the implication that men are wolves by default until they prove otherwise.

You're questioning why a woman would be somewhat cautious about opening herself up to an unknown man? Especially when they're literally conditioned to be this way, know full well you'll think less of her for being too keen and has had a pile of other blokes trying to fuck her at any given moment since she turned 12. That goes double on dating apps.

I don't care if you find it sexist. I've personally put up with a lot of shitty women I'd have no interest in were it not for their body and then regretted my logic in post-nut clarity. I now ask myself before I get involved with a woman whether I'd hang out with her if she was a bloke.

>And that was one of the sore points I wanted to express in the OP. I'm really tired of going into every relationship on the backfoot and then having to take a disproportionate responsibility for how well things are going. I just generally feel like I'm jumping through hoops to prove I'm even worth the time.

Tables soon change once you put your dick in her though innit. But yeah the dating game is bullshit, heed the .gs advice of not playing the game - meet women through friends/hobbies. Take this chance to work on yourself.

>>30913

Emo isn't the place to be devil's advocate mate, even if what you were saying was true. Birds have a lot more agency and responsibility than they'd like to admit in why the dating "market" is the way it is. It's just convenient for them that most blokes are happy to play along.

What we can agree on is that the winning move is not to play, but the caveat is it's a much longer search with a much more proactive effort required. Even so it's the last thing OP needs to worry about right now, and he shouldn't even trouble himself thinking about it. That's for another time, and as long as it takes for him to be ready.

>>30914
>Birds have a lot more agency and responsibility than they'd like to admit in why the dating "market" is the way it is.

Yes.

>>30333

As wonderful as our chemistry is when she's here, she has expressed absolutely zero interest in sexting or phone sex, and even less in sending pictures or anything to keep me occupied.

I kind of understand, it's not my favourite thing, either. I will maybe bring it up with her when she returns.

An unfortunate continuation of this rather controversial /emo/ thread of mine, then.

I haven't done anything, but my girlfriend has gone home again. She'll typically go back for a few weeks each year over Easter, Summer, and/or over Christmas to spend time with her mother (who is otherwise alone). Things were pretty tense before she left, as we were both under quite a bit of stress.

After several weeks by myself, I'm going out of my mind with sexual need. I'm channelling it into work and exercise. I have done very strenuous training every day throughout June, sometimes twice a day.

I swear women must have some sort of sixth sense for this sort of thing, because out of nowhere an old flame in another city just casually text me tonight with an offer to go and visit, offering the spare bed at hers if I ever "need a break".

What a seed to plant in my head. Not that I should need to justify my needs, but I do still think it goes beyond just being horny - feeling attractive and physically wanted seems to be bound up with my sense of security in relationships, maybe even my general confidence. Another significant factor I haven't mentioned is that "taking care of myself" really just doesn't cut it for me. Even extended sessions with lots of stimulation leave me feeling pretty drained and unhappy. It gets the physical need off my back, but the emotional and psychological need persists.

What would make this much easier is if I had any indication at all that my girlfriend still saw me as a sexual being, even when I'm not physically there to express it. I have no idea how she just switches this off or ignores it when we're apart for ages. In her own words, it just doesn't bother her unless she's in that particular stage of her cycle. The result, of course, is that she never initiates and has no reason to think about it unless I bring it up. How do you even bring up such a topic without making it sound like getting me to orgasm is another chore to be handled, even at a distance? Biology is ridiculous.

I'm afraid my conscience still won't let me go through with anything like this, at least not without horrible guilt. At the same time, I don't want to be in this pitiful position of asking my girlfriend for more sexual attention.

>>30884
This is probably bad advice, but you could try withholding sex yourself. Any time she's 'in that stage of her cycle' you can tell her sorry babe I'm not in the mood. Eventually she'll get to a point where she's begging you to do her and complaining about her needs, and then you can acquiesce - and thenceforth throw that in her face any time you ask for sex and she objects. Not that she is currently objecting, from the sounds of it, but having her ask you for sex at least once might soothe your conscience about seeming like a chore to her.

Whereas if you try it and it turns out she never has the desire to have sex with you again, it's an indicator that you might want to consider whether or not to remain in the relationship.

>>30884
Sounds like wanking before you make any decision is a good idea. An ex of mine misunderstood a text of mine and flat out said "I'd be up for a fuck", it took me a week or two to get that out of my head, despite having my prolific needs met. If the offer's there now, it'll be there again, if not her then someone else.

You could potentially split the difference with phone sex on adultwork, but then some people would equate that will sex in terms of cheating, or might have hangups about sex work.

If you think you might be polyamorous and not just horny, then it might be worth trying to gently mention it, but you'd need to educate yourself on the subject first to get an idea of the reality vs the fantasy, but it is worth investigating provided you don't put pressure on it.

>>30884

Unconventional advice, perhaps, but I'd suggest you do it. Go stay with the old flame. See if you cave in, or if the guilt keeps you off it.

Your anxiety probably stems from the guilt, the feeling you're a shit boyfriend. Chances are you're not. I was in a similar situation just before the Rona broke out. Went on a night out with an old flame of mine and we stayed in a hotel, we were pretty obviously supposed to fuck. And you know what, I wanted to. This girl was some of the best sex I've ever had the first time around. But I just couldn't. I couldn't be bothered with that whole dance of chancing the right moment to make my move, figuring out where to slide in the dirty little joke that progresses into flirting and snogging, etc.

I both regret the fact that I didn't, but I also have the peace of mind to know that in reality, I'm too old for the life of secret affairs and flings. My sex life at home might not be everything I want it to be, but much like my vague ambitions of a more in depth exercise routine, or doing more to proactively look after my car, I'm happy enough in life that I'm not going to act on any of them. They're just background niggles that come to the surface when I'm bored and depressed, if they were really big problems I'd do something about it.

Well you can pick off the easy wins, like getting your licence (assuming driving instructors are still a thing in the post-lockdown dystopia). That's something fully in your control.

>>30861

Agreed, but even that takes money, which again detracts from long-term goals. I know I don't really have a choice, but God it's a bastard to constantly have to trade-off the present for the future.

I know what you mean. Time is a motherfucker and there's many bitter post-doctoral people if you want evidence of chasing a dream gone sour. If you're unhappy in your job then that would be the tipping point but the question is really on how unhappy you are and whether that is going to change.

As a rough estimate I'd say you have until 35 before you're really in a brown-trouser situation. Can you achieve your dream by then and still have time to do the usual family shit? Can you not achieve some balance however tenuous it might be?

>>30862
Well if you're going to fly the space-planes out of Sutherland then you're still going to need to drive to it.

>>30853
The real red flag in OP's post and your post for that matter - is that both his missus and you view sex as a transaction. That should never be the case in a healthy relationship. How far away are you from telling your missus that you will give her £50 for a bit of BJ?

If you are powerless enough that you would bargain for sex, then you aren't sexy enough to her anyway. So might as well move on and not waste your life, and find someone who wants to fuck you.

>>30854

I don't want to be rude m8, but how old are you and what's the longest relationship you've been in? Sex is a very different thing when you're settled in a relationship and charging headlong towards middle-age. Withholding sex as a means to an end is undoubtedly toxic, but working together to satisfy each other's needs (sexual or otherwise) is the hallmark of a healthy relationship.

Lust does not survive in the long term. You will start to get a bit bored of each other, you will struggle to find the time and energy, you will have an ebbing and flowing sex drive due to stress and hormones and general health. The question is how you can deal with that stuff together rather than allowing it to force you apart.

Thanks for all the responses, I wrote this last night and wasn't expecting to come back to a good bit of activity.

Special shout out to the lad that has obviously been through it, it completely echoes my experience. >>30831 How did it turn out for you in the end?

There are a few lads questioning the sex. She orgasms every time. Not fake, not close. Very rarely (once in 20), she won't reach climax but make effort to let me get my thrills off. I also don't want to be that guy on the internet, but my member isn't insubstantial and whilst this isn't the only part of a successful dalliance, it works in the very type of specific sex she gets off to. We will often do it for her, then for me once I've satisfied her, so it's not that. Of course it could be but it's really not something that seems plausible.

>>30843
Thanks, she has had plenty of reasons to dump me before, but for some reason this was the one that sent her off the fucking edge. I really don't get it, I think somebody may have insulted her in the past or something? I have never seen somebody react so badly to anything. I just said I'd like a bit more and her to not just kind of expect me to lead and do everything and she burst into tears, insulted me and left and wanted to break up despite being otherwise, quite frankly, a little obsessive about me.

Maybe I did raise it the wrong way, but I was factual, didn't blame her, didn't embarrass her (or not intentionally) and just said how I felt and communicated what I would like.

>>30854
I agree, at the beginning she once said 'blowjobs are degrading' which pricked my ears up but has had no problem sucking me off in the earlier days and very seldom recently. She also sometimes asks me how hard or soft she should hold my cock whilst tugging it. She treats it like a radioactive rod that might become active at any moment. It seems weird to me in her late 20s she is asking and isn't sure, maybe it's inexperience?

I'm genuinely baffled. I feel like maybe she's just very fit, so she's never been denied or told she's not very good because people are just happy to be with her.

Message too long. Click here to view the full text.

>>30856

Well, I'm still with her. Things are marginally better than they were back when I felt exactly as you described in the OP, but make no mistake, it's still a far cry from the kind of sex life I've had in the past. It's a compromise though- I was at least able to talk to her and make her understand a bit more that it's not so much about whether she's "good" in bed or not, we all have our off days after all and I won't pretend I'm some stallion who can go for three hours. It's more just the sense that she's at least making an effort goes an extremely long way. It feels a bit less one sided now, which makes it at least tolerable for me.

In our case it was very clearly a lack of confidence on her part, which I can't really hold against her, but the issue was that she was essentially just avoiding it rather than working with me to help overcome it, and it was very frustrating. It's kind of an old dog new tricks thing though, she will likely always be a bit more reserved than I want her to be, and part of the problem is probably just that I have been spoiled in the past by having a few very adventurous open minded partners who were always incredibly enthusiastic, and understood instinctively how to make it a mutually enjoyable and self-esteem boosting experience. My feeling is just that once people become set in their ways, as I think we all do in adulthood, it's very rare you will get a complete about face out of them.

The trouble in your case is, like someone else said, if you're not even able to talk about it without her kicking off, I don't see a way out of it. It's just kind of a dead end. If I sounded too fatalistic about it in my other post, it's because I was kind of reading into those red flag signs you mentioned. She doesn't sound like the type to be persuaded, and I would imagine her relationship with sex has probably been one-way like this for most of her life, and that's how she's happy for it to stay.

Alternatively she might be the type who really wants you to come on strong and be the dominant type. Make her do it and then call her a slut. You know the sort of thing I mean. There's a lass at work who sometimes complains her boyfriend isn't rough enough with her, and when I ask "have you told him this?" she says something to the effect of "but that's against the point". Now, I've participated in some very nasty and degrading fucking in my life, but it has always been with the up-front understanding that that's how she wants to be treated, and it's a minefield all of it's own if a lass expects you to read her mind about it. But nevertheless.

>>30858
Thanks for your response - I don't know how you do it.

For me it feels like it's leading to genuine resentment and as soon as I've set myself up I'm out of here. I cannot fucking stand it and I can't live my life knowing that at the end I'll hate I didn't satisfy one of my most basic human desires.

If you have any advice on how to hit this place of peace please help me because she's got until next week then she's gone.

I genuinely quite enjoy using my water flossing thing.

>>30829
It's no substitute for flossing. And using an interdental. And regular visits to the hygienist. You don't get enough water pressure innit.

Goddamn, I'd give every penny I have to escape this nightmare.

Not meaning to rub it in, but this is a stark reminder that health is really the most important thing. Appreciate the bodies you have, lads, take care of it. It's the only thing we ever truly own.

But to your situation, OP, have you considered any kind of surgery, or are you well before that stage? I'm not an expert but I understand there are some surgeries that can prevent further bone loss. It may be worth looking at private dental practices. I love the NHS, but resources are limited for NHS dentists and many options are off the table unless you're willing to pay privately.

>>30842
Thankfully I've caught it before it got really bad but who knows how long I have and in the meantime I'm going to have to live obsessed with my teeth. Once I cross the line it's a periodontist and the fees are nothing to sneeze at nor the thought of having my gums sliced open.
https://www.periodontistlondon.com/treatment-fees.php

Haven't used an NHS dentist in over a decade. I've taken to assuming they don't exist and you certainly won't get an appointment this year if you do.

>>30796
>Most people don't really have a coherent ideological position
There is no such thing. Rather, if there are, they're held by fundamentalists or the mentally ill. Or both (see Nick Land). Anyone who maintains an unmalleable belief system, or claims to have a coherent one without also being omniscient, is a moron.

>>30795
>You on the other hand lad completely miss the point. And verried wildly into a tangent because of your own lack of comprehension that anything could be any different. You seem to have forgotten that it is possible to have communication with another human being that isn't an endless cunt off. Quite seriously does upping the ante on who can be more right on a topic actually make you happy?

OP, I hope you see the irony here. You are being combative, hostile, and reading them in bad faith.

They may have misunderstood, but you pin that entirely as their fault and an example of what you're saying, rather than anything else. You're essentially inviting the behaviour you moan about with this way of talking/approaching.

The pedantry you're talking about is rooted in the trivial, but their comment was about war, which is quite meaty.

>>30799

>irony

I feel like you quoted only that part because 3 sentences later it would be self evident that I was self aware of my action and therefore you would have no point to drag me into the undertow.

I'm not reading them in bad faith at all I assume them to have forgotten how to have a different sort of conversation, one that is playful. If you want to argue a logic trap about the position of my post you have the rest of the website for that level of debate.

I would much rather we talk about how we could achieve that instead of how I fall short of the ideal.

>>30801
>therefore you would have no point to drag me into the undertow.

This is exactly what I'm talking about. You seem to have a view that everyone is posting simply to attack you. I have no intention of 'dragging you down'...come on dude.

>>30796

It's an interesting position and one I think is probably true that we self select for argument and debate. I sort of wonder if conversation with strangers could be more helpful. Maybe my approach is wrong. Maybe if I ask people could you help me make x, or how do I go about x I might get somewhere.

Part of what inspired this theead is half this website and half that I have friends who live right round the corner who never seem to suggest to do anything shoot down most of my ideas that aren't perfect and then get a bit passive aggressive that we don't do anything. I've essentially become acutely aware these people are unintentionally toxic but if they are, we probably all are and I am determined to find a solution to this problem that isn't becoming one of those bordering on a cultists types that just talks about positivity.

>>30802

Yes you beat me I am a terrible person, can we move on.

>>30766

This is basically why I made the post.

>>30767

Just to follow-up on this I have to point out once pornhub deleted all unverified videos following allegations of non-consensual content being uploaded I noticed a lot of dodgier-looking free sites immediately cropped up.

>>30768

That if anything is what moved me toward buying porn, it cut out being in that mire of questionably moderated websites.

Interesting post, thank you for sharing. I have a couple of questions and observations, if you don't mind letting me ramble a bit, and maybe telling me what you think.

I don't really understand how one becomes a porn addict. I see a lot of myself in your post- I'm a complete fetish deviant, and I've long since left regular porn behind for the realms of hentai and furry porn, which indulges altogether more imaginative kinds of lust. Regular old porn where it's just a video of two people fucking does next to nothing for me, there's just no substance to it. All night wanking sessions on the come down from an acid trip with a fat spliff burning down on the bedside table have been a more frequent indulgence than I'd like to admit throughout the course of my 20s; indeed that's how I came to confront the fact I'm most likely bisexual, and at any rate I love having my prostate tickled.

The difference is I'm really not ashamed of any of it. It doesn't feel like a problem to me at all- I might spend hours edging myself over an elaborate and highly unusual fantasy, but once I've spaffed my load? Serenity and relief washes over me. My urges entirely vanish for an hour or two, and my mind isn't troubled at all. It's just another part of my day, and I go about my business afterwards the same way you would as if you'd just finished doing the dishes or built a MÖRBYLÅNGA for the living room. It doesn't affect my "real life" sexuality, although as you might reasonably expect the frequency and nature of my habits changes depending on how sexually pro-active my partner is.

Was it the sheer frequency of it? Was it clouding your mind at inappropriate times, and you couldn't resist it? Was it encouraging unhealthy attitudes towards your real sex life? What made you decide to confront this habit as if it was a problem, and not just something you do?

The reason I ask is because there are certain internet communities that have become fascinating to me. The attitude that porn is some sort of toxic mental carcinogen seems to becoming rather widespread amongst younger lads in certain parts, with this whole "nofap" cult spectacularly reviving a bizarre modern reincarnation of 1890s Quakerism; and I believe the attitudes and philosophy of those groups is every bit as unhealthy as an overindulgence in even the worst sort of porn. They believe that denying themselves masturbation will help them keep their focus on real sex with real women, and bettering themselves in order to be more appealing to women. Now, you really don't have to be a sexual health expert to see the flaws in that approach. It becomes a vicious cycle for them.

As with nearly anything in life, I believe the true way lies with all things in moderation, and that the real problem for these lads lies in a lack of self confidence, and a fractured relationship with their sexuality. They cycle between repression and obsession, because they have never had the opportunity of positive sexual encounters to frame their instinctual desires against. It's like, society, maaan.

Of course, I don't mean to suggest you're one of them, OP. But I see some similarities in your reasoning, which made me curious how you came to those conclusions. Why did porn make you feel bad?

>>30770

I'm not the OP, and I don't want to confuse the issue, but just in case there are some younglads reading that are facing similar issues to me and it helps them somehow...

There's a few ways in which pornography and masturbation make me feel bad, and it actually doesn't have much to do with "shame" or associated stigma. For me it's more:

1) The physiology of it. Sex and orgasms are genuinely draining (for me, at least). Despite being otherwise physically healthy, or indeed maybe it's because of the high activity level in other parts of my life, an intense experience like an orgasm can actually lead to overstimulation, fatigue, and irritability. At its worst, I could even feel cold or flu like symptoms if I'd masturbated multiple times in succession. What's more, this tends to happen more when I masturbate than when having sex with a partner, maybe because the latter takes longer and I have the chance to relax/go through the proper refractory stages afterward.

2) Psychologically, it feeds pretty negatively into anxiety. I used sex and masturbation as a crutch when I was younger to get over feelings of anxiety, almost like a dopamine or serotonin button. The associated irritability and fatigue I describe above may either be a direct symptom of this association, or it might be another physiological thing that exacerbates it.

3) Similarly, it has a horrible effect on me with depressive symptoms. I find I just have more energy and interact with people differently when I haven't been through an intense experience like orgasm. But on a more tangible level, there was nothing worse for me during depressive episodes when I'd lose all track of time, my circadian rhythm would be all over the place, my work and leisure time blended meaninglessly, and on top of that I'd lose hours of the day to long edging sessions which were essentially a way of self-soothing for existing anxiety anyway.

Conversely, I want to bring up that pornography actually had some benefits for me. It's debateable, but I seriously doubt I'd be as sexually open and comfortable with people as I've been in my relationships if I'd not had some exposure to it. I think it helped both to broaden my personal tastes and also helped me view sex in a "live and let live (if they're consenting adults)" kind of way.

TL;DR - My issues were (still are) primarily to do with physiology, associations with masturbation specifically, time management, and self esteem rather than any social or cultural issues surrounding porn.

>>30685

>How much of what we consider "autistic" behaviour is really innate, and how much is a response to our experiences?

Discussing or researching that question is pretty much career suicide.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Refrigerator_mother_theory

>>30686
>Don't you just get more competent at working round the annoyances over time? Like anyone does at anything?

The argument is it would be like expecting a blind man to tell you what colour something is, or a legless man to high jump. It is assumed that there is a particular mechanism absent that is required for these things and it isn’t there. It doesn't matter how much I insist my cat understands what I am saying they aren't going to talk English back to me.

>>30685
>How much of what we consider "autistic" behaviour is really innate, and how much is a response to our experiences?

'grown out of' lad here, I think part of it is a question of how much does the criteria for being autistic relate directly to those questions, because some times the 2 can be synonymous and other times they are hinting at something underlying indirectly.

The reason the questionnaire exists is probably because of the Rosenhan experiment it is felt there needs to be an 'objective criteria' so professionals don't get caught out and look stupid, so everything needs to have a questionnaire, even if those questions might not get at the underlying point.
I obviously said that I have been formally diagnosed but came up neurotypical on that test, but to play devil's avocado for my own 'grown out of it' maybe they asked the wrong questions... for example I have pretty classic Savant syndrome traits. on a IQ test broken down by area I score around 90 for language related questions, but for abstract patterns score 157 (a number so absurd that when people lie and claim high IQ they would never go that high), that would seem like a better move obvious requirement, and yet; not all autistics have that which would make it meaningless to diagnose them, and to flip back from avocado devildo again, I quite probably have brain damage, which is considered the other cause for savant syndrome, then again ‘if it looks like a duck’, isn’t it easier to group what I have with the people who have similar traits and problems even if it isn’t technically the same, isn’t every case basically unique anyway, the ‘average person’ doesn’t exist as they say.
Essentially diagnosis run into the classic problem of over specified criteria and they exclude things that should be part of that group, over broad and the preverbal Diogenes the Cynic turns up with a plucked chicken saying it is a man because by the stands they have set, it is. Which I think is why they have hedged their bets on a spectrum, even if in reality 99% of people are on one end of it. - Missing an arm, is probably classified as a spectrum by the same logic, there is a meaningful practical difference between some of a hand, no hand, no elbow and no humerus that the rest of us don't really need to think about and for practical purposes and isn’t a person with a paralysed arm in a similar enough boat even if they don’t meet the criteria to be treated the same as someone with no arm? Isn’t easier to group them with the people with no arms even though that technically doesn’t make sense.

>>30689
Aren't we somewhat stuck with that while our diagnostic tools are as crude as asking questions and hopefully noting the answers, then looking things up in the big book of hints?
Maybe crude is wrong, maybe you really can do some modelling to work backwards from Q&A to the actual thing you're trying to fix, assuming it's something you can model that way? Hidden Markov Model style?
In 20-50 years, we're going to look back and shake our heads at our fumblings, but what can you do?

>>30690

There is some difference in brain activity that is measurable with certain psychiatric disorders autism being one of them.

unrelated note; I looked up the sally anne test on wikipedia as I was making this post and found this quote "Eye tracking of chimpanzees, bonobos, and orangutans suggests that all three anticipate the false beliefs of a subject in a King Kong suit"

The average score graphs tell you plenty about the usefullness of this test to be honest. 5% of people diagnosed with ASD will score 20, and 5% of neurotypical people will score nearly 40. Yes that's at the extreme ends but there is just too large an overlap in scores for it to be anywhere near definitive.

The types of questions are also highly leading as well, and heavily dependant on context. Take the questions like "do you enjoy socialising?" People I know well and am comfortable with in a familiar setting, yes I enjoy it. Socialising in a business setting where I can talk about work, yes I enjoy it to some extent. If I've had a stressful day at work and my boss calls me and asks me about my weekend I've been feeling like I'm almost having a panic attack.
Things that are really indicative of ASD are things like being able to make eye-contact, and for a lot of people that's difficult to answer truthfully because they're just not aware that they're failing to do it. At the age of 18 I just couldn't do that, at 30 I force myself to do it most of the time but I'm aware that I still sometimes have entire conversations with colleagues without even looking at them.
Which also leads to the question of age, if I try and answer to how I look back at myself as and 18 year old, I'd score more like 30-35, rather than 27 now. But I'd say that's more through learning and experience rather than fundamental changes to how my brain is working.

With questionnaires like this there's also the issue of overlap with depression and anxiety. These often go hand-in-hand with ASD and it's not possible to truly pick out what's a cause and what's an effect of the different symptoms.

>>30655 is a solid recommendation and after reading it I would also recommend picking up some books on negotiation (e.g. Negotiation Genius).

>Any idea on where to find a "life coach" or something like that? I have seen some, but they all look and talk like snake oil salesmen.

That's what they are. As an aside, and without knowing the full story, I'm also very sceptical on the therapist's diagnosis for this given the science of workplace relations and growth is a load of bollocks focused more on creating an office family than delivering results.

>>30655

This is a good suggestion.

>>30654

You seem to be conflating a few different things here. Empathy, speaking skills, social identity, and manipulating people are distinct (albeit related) characteristics.

Empathy isn't about telling people what they want to hear, but mentally placing yourself in their position and allowing yourself (to the extent that you can) to feel what they'd feel, think what they'd think. How deep you go with that empathy is pretty contextual. With someone like a manager or a group of presentation attendees, I don't think many people expect a deep understanding of their psychology, it's really more of a case of following the golden rule: treat others as you'd like to be treated.

Since you mention you don't want serious therapy at the moment, this might be a case of practicing socialising and public speaking in a controlled, and ideally sympathetic, environment. I know social events are a bit scarce at the moment, but even taking the opportunity to join a Zoom group or speak among friends on Discord might be a good shout.

For what it's worth, one thing I learned early on in my career is that others will generally mirror your mood. If you set a relaxed tone for your presentations or social interactions, others will generally come around to feeling relaxed as well. What you might need to do to feel relaxed going into it will vary depending on who you are -- exercise, a good night of sleep, whatever -- but generally taking good care of your needs and practicing thoroughly should be enough.

As someone who is a technical person as well, it drives me insane that the quality of what you say or the expression of your ideas is virtually irrelevant when it comes to the majority of audiences; just saying it in the right tone is apparently enough. And remember, no matter how shit your presentations are, there are still technical people like me around who would still prefer to listen to you over a mediocre TEDx speaker.

>>30657

He was not an office therapist, he was a BACP psychotherapist that I hired to help. Sadly, things did not work out. I tried another, and he just refused to take my case for the same reason. Do you know where I can find a therapist specialized in office environment?

> science of workplace relations and growth is a load of bollocks focused more on creating an office family than delivering results.

That's exactly what I need right now. Maybe I will seek some serious therapy later, but now it is not the time.

As I said, I need some trained feedback with someone telling me "no, this body language/ tone of voice looks aggressive" or "no, this phrase looks dismissive." Maybe I should hire an acting teacher.

>>30658

Good points, I have not defined the problem clearly. What I need is corporate ass-kissing, the art of "sensing" what people want to hear and saying that in a pleasant way. In a decent world, this skill would be useless, but when I need to interact with a manager or (God forbid) an HR it becomes of primary importance. Those kinds of people do not care at all if you are right or wrong, they just need their asses kissed. Lots of people in the corporate world think that their feelings do not care about facts, and punish you if your facts make them angry.

>>30659
>As I said, I need some trained feedback with someone telling me "no, this body language/ tone of voice looks aggressive" or "no, this phrase looks dismissive." Maybe I should hire an acting teacher.

This sounds more like something you should be asking a line manager or experienced colleague. Not for a structured lesson, at least initially, but the tips and tricks they use to sell to this or that person and if they're present when you speak to give some short feedback on how it went.

If that doesn't work then you could arrange at a corporate level for training in advising/briefing/presenting. It sounds like you can easily make a business case for this.