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>> No. 23066 Anonymous
5th July 2016
Tuesday 3:59 pm
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I have this horrible feeling most of the time, and I keep doubting the sincerity of most people around me. Questions keep plaguing me. I find it really weird that there are people who would call me their friend, that there are people who enjoy my company, and that there were a couple of women who liked me. I probably self-sabotage my relationships. I just don't know what people see in me. How can I stop these kinds of questions? I doubt it's all a big joke, and I may be accepted by some people on some level, but I just don't understand why.
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>> No. 23067 Anonymous
5th July 2016
Tuesday 4:19 pm
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Sounds like garden variety low self esteem. There are a lot of things you can do about it, mainly involving "bettering" yourself.
>> No. 23068 Anonymous
5th July 2016
Tuesday 4:26 pm
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Therapy?

(No, not the band.)
>> No. 23069 Anonymous
5th July 2016
Tuesday 5:15 pm
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>>23066

You sound a bit insecure with some self-esteem issues. That doesn't make you a bad person though, but you may be right in that you may be self-sabotaging. These issues could stem from a lack of trust in people, because of past trauma regarding relationships where trust was key, like family or friendships as a youngster. It's like a mild form of PTSD, but it can be treated like any other generalised anxiety disorder. Young adults are constantly being referred to Child Psychology for it.

The new way in which they teach people to cope with generalised anxiety is called "Mindfulness".

It involves recognising the thoughts are intrusive, not judging them our yourself, and asssessing them objectively. When did I start having these thoughts, why did I start having them at that particular time, what happened in the lead up to having the thought? It helps you ground yourself, but also objectively and constructively identify your stressers and then put the thought to the side and move on from it understanding why it happened, but also with the security of understanding it and its cause.

It works great for anxiety as a grounding exercise and teaches you how to deal with mild anxiety. I would also recommend that if you currently take and drugs or drink regularly (unless your're and addict of course) to stop for 2 months. It will help normalise your mood.
>> No. 23071 Anonymous
5th July 2016
Tuesday 5:58 pm
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>>23069

For anyone interested in learning modern mindfulness-based therapy techniques, there is an excellent course available on Youtube. The video quality is a bit ropy, but the content is first rate.


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tb8so8MFmk0?list=PL4fJIp-RfXbrRpNFZ4gBPs_OusVHkKpbd
>> No. 23072 Anonymous
8th July 2016
Friday 1:31 pm
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>>23066
>> No. 23073 Anonymous
18th July 2016
Monday 8:20 pm
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>>23069
>>23071
Thank you very much lads. You guys helped me a lot. I have been trying some of the techniques for a couple of weeks now, and they do work, but they work when I apply them. I have not internalised them and I often fall into old ways. I realised I have other issues as well when I started asking some of the questions >>23069 posted.

Whenever I speak, I self-deprecate a lot. I come off like I'm pitying myself, and that I'm not happy with myself and my situation. I often make what I studied and my job sound simpler than it is, as in, I talk down in a negative kind of way. Almost like I am cursing myself. So, because of the view I have of myself, I fail to understand how anyone else can like me, if I can't like myself.

I also have trouble saying no. It became crystal clear yesterday when I mentioned to my brother something that had happened. I felt very guilty and bad for turning someone down, for saying no, and my brother simply couldn't understand why I wanted to please the person so much. I realised then that I try a lot to please everyone I know. The video below was very good, but hadn't answered all my questions. I would appreciate if anyone has anything to read or watch regarding turning people down and not feeling bad about it, or perhaps just being more self-centred and not being out to please everyone.

Setting boundaries has been a big issue as well.


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AoZPP9neJgQ

Thank you lads.
>> No. 23080 Anonymous
18th July 2016
Monday 10:19 pm
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>>23073

It's great to hear that you're making progress. You're doing the work and you're seeing results - that's something worth celebrating. Don't worry about internalising things, it always takes time to develop new habits. As long as you keep remembering to apply the techniques you've learned, they'll gradually become more automatic.

Self-esteem is a bit of a controversial issue in modern psychotherapy. A lot of modern practitioners believe that the idea is inherently harmful. The more modern concept is that of self acceptance.

Building up your self esteem carries the danger that something will knock you back down. It's inherently fragile, because it's based on a subjective evaluation of your own merits. You're trying to judge yourself more positively, but you're still judging yourself. Self-acceptance is durable, because you work to accept the good and bad parts of yourself equally.

You don't need to weigh your plusses and minuses on an imaginary scale, you don't need to justify yourself to the world. You are who you are, and you're OK. Success doesn't make you a good person, failure doesn't make you a bad person, it's just stuff that happens. If you can develop that mindset, you don't need to win the approval of others and you don't fear their disapproval. You don't need external validation, because you have internal acceptance. Accepting yourself as you are allows you to live in accordance with your own values, rather than the values of others.

Think about how you treat the people you care about. You try to treat them with kindness and forgiveness, you give them the benefit of the doubt, you empathise with them when they struggle. If you can treat someone else like that, why not yourself?

Think about yourself as an eight year old child. If that child was stood in front of you now, how would you treat it - with criticism and judgement, or with compassion and care? If you can step outside of your own perspective, then self-acceptance becomes obvious. Gaining that perspective is one of the core purposes of meditation practice in ACT.

Here's some homework:

http://www.smartrecovery.org.uk/resources/tool-chest/additional-home-study/self-acceptance-exercise/

Modern psychotherapy leans heavily on Buddhist and Stoic thought, so you might find it useful to study those schools of philosophy.


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=enFEj7wKrnM


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yXcmkSqAqTI
>> No. 23082 Anonymous
18th July 2016
Monday 10:30 pm
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>>23080
Not the OP but I've been making similar steps over the past few years with practicing similar mindfulness based techniques, and the self-loathing that once put me in hospital has improved massively. I've cribbed a lot from Buddhist acceptance practices, as well as making a conscious effort to approach myself and my perceived flaws or failings in the same way I forgive and accept my closest friends and loved ones. It really does work, and along with adhering to a medication regime that stops me dropping into anhedonic despair again I'm the happiest I've probably been in my entire short life. These things do take practice and repetition though, and you need to make a commitment to helping yourself (and it's probably best if you don't get stuck on "why am I worth helping in the first place?" and instead just do it and block out any need for justification) but after time they not only work, but get easier and easier to replicate consistently. It's a process, and there's no such thing as a perfect human being, but the older I get the more I realise not everyone is going to like me for who I am - but I mostly like myself (or at least can just accept that I'm human), and I have a good clutch of friends who do like me, so they're far more worth my time and energy anyway. Eventually you just have to like it or lump it when the truism of "you can't be friends with everyone" rings.

Oh, and getting outside/exercising regularly/eating well/making sure I sleep/not drink too much or too often and all that jazz probably has a lot to do with it too. A diet of biscuits and beer does not a happy man make. Eat your broccoli, do your sun salutations, and try to enjoy yourself. Might as well.
>> No. 23083 Anonymous
18th July 2016
Monday 11:49 pm
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>>23082
Here again, in an attempt to be useful I've put the guided meditations from the Headspace Take 10 series in the images in the thread linked below. Andy Puddicombe is a Buddhist monk turned paid app capitalist (sorry, "social media businessman"), but the Headspace series is the only guided meditation series I've ever found not voiced by a grating American, and they've been genuinely helpful to me in establishing useful meditative/mindful practice. They might be useful for anyone passing through /emo too.

>>/test/1786
>> No. 23093 Anonymous
21st July 2016
Thursday 5:17 pm
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OP lad, maybe it's worth considering the phenomenon of "impostor syndrome" in your case.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Impostor_syndrome

People with impostor syndrome frequently question their own achievements and their self worth and are constantly afraid that somebody might expose them as the frauds that they feel they are. Paradoxically, impostor syndrome seems to afflict mainly people who have achieved great things in their lives and would be seen as a valuable individual by anybody's standards.
>> No. 23100 Anonymous
30th July 2016
Saturday 3:21 pm
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I hope I won't hijack the OPs thread, but the discussion of self-esteem has got me thinking about a weird mood I'm in right now.

For a long while now, I've been going through a period of just plain not liking myself. Not exactly self-loathing, not crushing insecurity or doubting the sincerity of people around me, but more like the feeling that if I were another person I wouldn't really like me or think much of anything about me.

I think a bit of it owes to the fact that recently I've had to try and be a bit more chipper as I was in a temporary customer service job. One of the things that made it tolerable was talking to people. Thing is, through my efforts to be friendly I feel a bit 'dirty' somehow, like I had to act out of character... or with some measure of dishonesty.

It's odd because I've got a lot of other things going on in my life where I regularly receive high praise. I'm getting a full time contract and a considerable pay rise at my main job, I've made good impressions in new social circles, I even get compliments and nice things happen to me.

But there's a nagging discomfort with myself that's making it harder for me to properly care for myself. It's worrying that it doesn't seem to take much for this to happen. I'm finding it really hard to give myself concrete reasons to respect myself, whereas normally I'd have loads offhand. It feels like there's nothing I can do, even if I were to overcome a challenge or do something I'd find genuinely impressive, that could mitigate this feeling.

I'm not even sure if this is a self-esteem issue or just a 'blegh' feeling of irritation with myself that will pass with time. A bit of advice on not allowing this to turn into something bigger and self-destructive would be appreciated.

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