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>> No. 25624 Anonymous
14th September 2017
Thursday 4:28 pm
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I feel like I'm having a bit of a crisis lads. Long post incoming and you'll have to forgive me if I can't quite artciulate myself as well as I would like to; my brain has been a little foggy lately.

I've had a niggling feeling for a while that I don't feel quite right, and to say I feel disatisfied with myself and my situation would be an understatement. Not that things are bad, I have it much better than a lot of people, but recent events have kicked my mind and anxiety into overgear. I'll explain as best as I can.

About a week or so ago I found out that my dad might be losing his job. The decision is about a year away, there's a good chance that he won't, and even if he does, my parents own the house, have savings etc, so this would hopefully hold them over until he gets something else (he is 59 though and it's the North East so the job market isnt exactly great). I feel confident in him. This doesn't stop me from worrying however - I've always been a worrier. Now, some of this worry is for the obvious reason that I am concerned about my parents. But secondly, it really threw me back because it felt as though a pillar was crumbling. My dad has worked this job since before I was born, it's what I have always known. All the stability and privision is because of that, all the nice things me and my sister had were becuase of that. I'm sure loads of people change jobs (I've had a bunch already), so I don't why this is having such an impact. Since he told me about the situation, my mind has been racing with childhood memories and guilt, I really can't explain why. It does however, feel that my younger years are closing in, one constant I have always known may be coming to an end.

The second thing that happened is that my very good (perhaps best) friend just got engaged and asked me to be best man. Now I'm very happy for them both and it was even because of me they met, so its kind of crazy seeing the whole thing from start to finish. But this also knocked me back - my friends are getting married. Again, I'm happy for them, they are a great couple. It just blows my mind that the guy I met when I was 18 is now getting married. I was speaking to my parents about it and they assumed that me and my girlfriend would be next, as though they wouldn't find it odd, as though I'm at that age already. The concept of physically aging doesn't really bother me, I've never been a looker and I've been losing my hair since 22, but to be considered the age for things such as this and that I should begin settling down blows my mind a little. This all probably sounds quite standard to a lot of people here, that I'm scared of growing up. I get that. But I am struggling with it, and combined with what I mentioned in the paragraph above, I've barely slept all week as silly as it sounds.

A third point is my girlfriend. I do like her and probably do love her, I certainly care about it. But, can't help feel that long term we really aren't suited to one another. The other night something happened that not only confirmed this but also frightened me. Sex has always been a bit of a hot topic with us. Other than when we first got together, my desire for it has been quite low, certainly much lower than hers (I'm not sure why, I don't really masturbate much either, other than to help me sleep). This causes frequent arguments becase I don't always want to have sex, to points where she can get quite nasty. This has always bugged me, as if it were the other way around and I was getting so angry because she wouldn't sleep with me I can't imagine all of the names that would be thrown at me! Anyway, the other night I was concerned with what my dad had just told me and I really wasn't in the mood, so, she gets upset and angry as usual. This time however, she gets more confrontational and complains that I'm just lying in bed (I just wanted to try and sleep at this point), eventually, she grabs a knife from the kitchen and holds it against her wrists so that I would react. This honestly frighened me, and I had the worst panic attack I can remember having as a result. It was unexpected and it was a mean thing to do just to get a reaction out of me. Ever since then, I feel that I have been mentally detatched.

Lastly, I still get that teenage urge of selling my things in a panic and moving to another country (an old, sort of friend got a work visa for Canada and I feel jealous to be honest). I've had a bunch of different jobs (even a proper, sort of respectable grad job at one point, but fuck wearing a tie and shirt and sitting at a desk 9 - 5). At the moment, I get by (cover expenses and save a little) working a bunch of different jobs in the arts and I've decided to have a go getting a video production business off the ground, nothing special right now just some freelance editing gigs to test the water. The thing is, I'm 26 and as mentioned above, I feel like everyone is waiting for me to get a proper full time job and settle down. Conversely, I feel as though I'm waiting for my life to start getting exciting and interesting.

The above has been a bit of a messy post, but like I said my head has been all over lately. I apologise for spelling and grammatical errors, or if it doesn't make sense.

I just want to chat to some of you guys about it, any insight or advice would be greatly appreciated. Constructive advice especially, I've tried counselling in the past a few times and it was pointless, it didn't give me any sense of what to do next.

So, thoughts I guess? There's a bunch of other shit concerned me too, but this is enough for now.
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>> No. 25625 Anonymous
14th September 2017
Thursday 5:50 pm
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1) It is nice that you care about your dad, but this isn't your problem to worry about. Maybe your worry is that you've started to see him as having vulnerability and you never saw that before.

2) Time marches ever on and boys become men. When the future appears you will handle it with the same resources and skill that have served you well in the present.

3) Your girlfriend is emotionally abusive (although she doesn't realise it because of her own insecurity) and needs to learn constructive ways to handle her emotions and express herself and deal with her unmet expectations. Your options are either to get relationship counselling (heavy empathises on her) or to separate yourself before she grinds you into submission and is stilll unhappy.

4) It doesn't matter what other people want, what do you want? The world will go on turning regardless of whether you are partying every night or if you are working in a law firm. I think you should take a weird and wonderful holiday somewhere you haven't been before to do something you have always meant to do.
>> No. 25626 Anonymous
14th September 2017
Thursday 6:03 pm
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Out of all the points you raised, the only concrete advice I can give you is to leave your girlfriend.

Getting nasty towards you over an issue like that is an indicator that she is too immature to communicate properly, and that's one thing. However, manipulating a reaction out of you by the threat of self-harm like that is straight up a sign of mental instability.

It's not worth trying to salvage. Something as funadamental as a sex-drive mismatch can't ever be smoothed over, it's not like you can come to a compromise over it when the spark simply isn't there. End it now before she causes you further misery, and find someone more your speed.
>> No. 25629 Anonymous
14th September 2017
Thursday 7:22 pm
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>> No. 25630 Anonymous
14th September 2017
Thursday 7:38 pm
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I don't like the trend we (and other sites) have for LEAVE THE MAD BITCH, but in this case it is warranted.

I imagine it is very strange for a woman to come across a man who isn't as in to sex as they are, but threatening to cut yourself is the worst kind of attention seeking.
>> No. 25631 Anonymous
14th September 2017
Thursday 7:38 pm
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Your dad should be fine. He's only a few years off retirement, so it might work out quite well for him if he's offered early retirement or a decent redundancy package. At worst, he'll need to find a stopgap job until his pension kicks in.

Don't get too hung up about your friends that are getting married. You've still got plenty of time for all that, if it's what you want. Marriage isn't mandatory and it's often the wrong choice; far too many people get married just because they think it's what they're supposed to do. In a couple of years, some of those newlyweds will be looking enviously at their single friends. Happiness comes from within - it's about accepting yourself, being grateful for what you have and making choices that are in line with your own values.

I'd give some serious thought to your relationship. It sounds like you're fundamentally incompatible and her behaviour is becoming increasingly unpleasant and erratic. Unless you really believe that there's a realistic path to resolving those issues, ripping the plaster off might be less painful than dragging it out.

Have a word with your GP about your anxious thoughts and feelings. If you're worrying a lot, Cognitive Behavioural Therapy can be a huge help. A lot of people who think of themselves as "a bit of a worrier" really have generalised anxiety disorder, which is a highly treatable problem.

Learning some relaxation techniques can be really helpful. Most local libraries now have a "books on prescription" section. You might also want to try mindfulness meditation, which is proven to significantly reduce anxiety and stress - look in your local area for groups or training sessions.
>> No. 25632 Anonymous
14th September 2017
Thursday 7:40 pm
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>threatening to cut yourself is the worst kind of attention seeking

It's the kind of behaviour that can quickly escalate into something much more sinister. Those sorts of threats are a giant red flag that you're dealing with a manipulative and self-centred person.
>> No. 25635 Anonymous
14th September 2017
Thursday 8:18 pm
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>It's the kind of behaviour that can quickly escalate into something much more sinister.
Like what? Taking uncomfortably long and hot showers?

My girlfriend once nonchalantly told me that she cut herself because of me. I told her to cut her wrists if she really means it. She hasn't said anything as stupid as that since.
>> No. 25653 Anonymous
17th September 2017
Sunday 9:40 pm
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Sorry lads, I've been working away this weekend so I've just seen the responses. Very much appreciate all the advice though.

Aren't they all?

I've calmed down a fair bit since then regarding my dad, especially since having a chat with him. Worst case, I can help him find something when the time comes or at least put him a CV together, applying for jobs is a fair bit different than it was 30 odd years ago.

I think my anxiety did steep from seeing him having a vulnerability. Despite my age, I still sort of see my dad as a bloke who can just get on with anything and have it sorted, him being in a predicament seems so odd to me.

I'm not envious that my friends are getting married, I think it's a bit of a risk these days, it's just the idea of them moving on and settling down - I want to do the opposite, I know that 26 isn't old but it doesn't feel young either. It's easy to disregard what people think of you, but it's hard to not give a fuck sometimes.

As for the lass, I probably should. Deep down I sort of feel that I'll see it to the end and suffer the misery instead of nipping it in the bud. Other than the incident I mentioned previously, things are fine with us, so it makes it very difficult.

Regarding Cognitive Behavioural Therapy, I like it in theory, I tried it, and it did nothing for me. Neither did regular counselling and couples counselling felt like a bigger waste of time - couldn't help but feel the bloke was trying to pin all of the problems on me.

I was diagnosed with Generalised Anxiety Disorder, which makes sense. Out of all the things suggested, breathing exercises helped me the most. I was also hooked on Jordan Peterson videos sometime a go, I found themrather comforting; I like his logical and almost step by step approach to overcoming things - the opposite of what I experienced from counsellers and therapists in the past.

I've gone a bit off topic now. Thanks again for the advice lads, I feel that my situation would be improved if I just had the balls to be honest with myself and other people.
>> No. 25655 Anonymous
17th September 2017
Sunday 10:59 pm
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>Despite my age, I still sort of see my dad as a bloke who can just get on with anything and have it sorted, him being in a predicament seems so odd to me.
If you're 26 then yeah, it's certainly time you started seeing your dad as a regular human being with flaws and all, not an infallible font of ability and security.

>Other than the incident I mentioned previously, things are fine with us
She grabbed a knife and threatened to cut her wrists because you wouldn't have sex with her, and you mentioned she has been "quite nasty" about your sex life in the past. Try and put yourself in the shoes of people reading this. Imagine a friend told you that, what would your reaction be? I'm as loathe as the other posters here to trot out the usual "dump the crazy bitch" rhetoric, but that is seriously worrying behaviour and at the very least you two need to sit down and talk it out. Communicate your concerns, and make sure you let her do the same. Try and listen.

Good luck mate, hope it all works out, especially that video production business you mentioned; even if you're just thinking seriously about getting that sort of thing off the ground then you're ahead of most of your peers in terms of ambition and maturity.
>> No. 25657 Anonymous
18th September 2017
Monday 12:15 am
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> I feel that my situation would be improved if I just had the balls to be honest with myself

There you go, thats a great start. Look in the mirror - take responsibility for your own life, it's all your fault. I find this to be the most liberating idea, because if you take responsibility for something, you can fix it.

Dump the mad bitch.
>> No. 25658 Anonymous
18th September 2017
Monday 10:11 am
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>which is a highly treatable problem

...if you can get treatment for it. I've been waiting about a year now.

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