|>>|| No. 25624
I feel like I'm having a bit of a crisis lads. Long post incoming and you'll have to forgive me if I can't quite artciulate myself as well as I would like to; my brain has been a little foggy lately.
I've had a niggling feeling for a while that I don't feel quite right, and to say I feel disatisfied with myself and my situation would be an understatement. Not that things are bad, I have it much better than a lot of people, but recent events have kicked my mind and anxiety into overgear. I'll explain as best as I can.
About a week or so ago I found out that my dad might be losing his job. The decision is about a year away, there's a good chance that he won't, and even if he does, my parents own the house, have savings etc, so this would hopefully hold them over until he gets something else (he is 59 though and it's the North East so the job market isnt exactly great). I feel confident in him. This doesn't stop me from worrying however - I've always been a worrier. Now, some of this worry is for the obvious reason that I am concerned about my parents. But secondly, it really threw me back because it felt as though a pillar was crumbling. My dad has worked this job since before I was born, it's what I have always known. All the stability and privision is because of that, all the nice things me and my sister had were becuase of that. I'm sure loads of people change jobs (I've had a bunch already), so I don't why this is having such an impact. Since he told me about the situation, my mind has been racing with childhood memories and guilt, I really can't explain why. It does however, feel that my younger years are closing in, one constant I have always known may be coming to an end.
The second thing that happened is that my very good (perhaps best) friend just got engaged and asked me to be best man. Now I'm very happy for them both and it was even because of me they met, so its kind of crazy seeing the whole thing from start to finish. But this also knocked me back - my friends are getting married. Again, I'm happy for them, they are a great couple. It just blows my mind that the guy I met when I was 18 is now getting married. I was speaking to my parents about it and they assumed that me and my girlfriend would be next, as though they wouldn't find it odd, as though I'm at that age already. The concept of physically aging doesn't really bother me, I've never been a looker and I've been losing my hair since 22, but to be considered the age for things such as this and that I should begin settling down blows my mind a little. This all probably sounds quite standard to a lot of people here, that I'm scared of growing up. I get that. But I am struggling with it, and combined with what I mentioned in the paragraph above, I've barely slept all week as silly as it sounds.
A third point is my girlfriend. I do like her and probably do love her, I certainly care about it. But, can't help feel that long term we really aren't suited to one another. The other night something happened that not only confirmed this but also frightened me. Sex has always been a bit of a hot topic with us. Other than when we first got together, my desire for it has been quite low, certainly much lower than hers (I'm not sure why, I don't really masturbate much either, other than to help me sleep). This causes frequent arguments becase I don't always want to have sex, to points where she can get quite nasty. This has always bugged me, as if it were the other way around and I was getting so angry because she wouldn't sleep with me I can't imagine all of the names that would be thrown at me! Anyway, the other night I was concerned with what my dad had just told me and I really wasn't in the mood, so, she gets upset and angry as usual. This time however, she gets more confrontational and complains that I'm just lying in bed (I just wanted to try and sleep at this point), eventually, she grabs a knife from the kitchen and holds it against her wrists so that I would react. This honestly frighened me, and I had the worst panic attack I can remember having as a result. It was unexpected and it was a mean thing to do just to get a reaction out of me. Ever since then, I feel that I have been mentally detatched.
Lastly, I still get that teenage urge of selling my things in a panic and moving to another country (an old, sort of friend got a work visa for Canada and I feel jealous to be honest). I've had a bunch of different jobs (even a proper, sort of respectable grad job at one point, but fuck wearing a tie and shirt and sitting at a desk 9 - 5). At the moment, I get by (cover expenses and save a little) working a bunch of different jobs in the arts and I've decided to have a go getting a video production business off the ground, nothing special right now just some freelance editing gigs to test the water. The thing is, I'm 26 and as mentioned above, I feel like everyone is waiting for me to get a proper full time job and settle down. Conversely, I feel as though I'm waiting for my life to start getting exciting and interesting.
The above has been a bit of a messy post, but like I said my head has been all over lately. I apologise for spelling and grammatical errors, or if it doesn't make sense.
I just want to chat to some of you guys about it, any insight or advice would be greatly appreciated. Constructive advice especially, I've tried counselling in the past a few times and it was pointless, it didn't give me any sense of what to do next.
So, thoughts I guess? There's a bunch of other shit concerned me too, but this is enough for now.