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>I tried that years ago and seeking help only made things a lot worse as I came to realise my parents were genuinely malicious actors
I'm truly sorry. I'm not going to pretend that growing up like that hasn't made you much worse off. You'll probably never escape that, as much as I wish that you could. However, that doesn't mean you have to be unhappy forever. I can tell you're in such a bad place right now that you'd rather check out, but you say it yourself -
>I know feeling like this is a symptom of depression
I'm sure we suffer differently but in my experience I can go from rock bottom to basically normal in a matter of days. I don't believe that you'll always feel the way you do right now, I think you'd concede that too. I'm sure you have bouts of wanting to sort yourself out - I certainly do - can you imagine trying to do that from the streets? If you TRULY believe you will feel the way you feel right now, for the rest of your life, then I can't suggest anything else. But I think you know that you won't feel this bad all off the time. You're wanting to escape right now and I know that feeling well - you're desperate, and that's pretty much confirmed by the fact you only just remembered you'd need a sleeping bag. Chucking your keys away is a symbolic gesture I relate to a lot as well. It'll feel like you've done something, made a decision, which can be powerful, but it's a decision you can't really take back. Once you're homeless you're almost certainly going to stay that
way. I can't claim to know very much about you, but I can guarantee all the things you've said about it being good for you, it's just rationalisation. It won't.
>90%+ of the population, including people who work in mental health care, simply don't really believe in depression even if they claim otherwise.
I understand where you're coming from here, and GPs can be notoriously bad for this sort of thing, and anyone who has never had depression will never truly understand, but I know the people in mental health DO believe in depression. They know empirically it's a suppression in your brain chemistry. I don't think that's in any dispute.
It's frustrating you haven't received the care you need, but as you say, it's been years since you tried, and it sounds like you resisted it, or at least had a hard time processing what you needed to come to terms with. That's understandable, but again, I don't think it's cause to throw it all to the wind just yet. I think what you're doing is essential suicide, except you'll be even more miserable.
I don't know much about your area but it seems there's a trust called West London Mental Health that seems aimed at people like yourself. http://www.wlmht.nhs.uk/services/help-in-a-crisis/. You owe it to yourself to exhaust all possibilities, right?
I'm getting hints you might just think it's all too painful to deal with, and are resisting the help you deserve because of that. I think that's a mistake, and if you have the wherewithal to post here I think you shouldn't count yourself out.
>I'm already doing nothing with my life. I already can't look after myself. If I showed you a photo of my bedroom or told you about my personal hygiene you would lose all sympathy with me immediately.
I've attached a picture of my bedroom from about two months ago.