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>> No. 25991 Anonymous
2nd January 2018
Tuesday 12:12 am
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To cut a long story short, there's this girl I've been seeing for 8 months or so now. Far from my first rodeo, but my longest one to date. It's been really great so far for the most part - I always enjoy seeing her, and she always seems happy to see me.

The problem is that, whereas being with other girls always increased my confidence and general happiness, somehow being with her has just led to me becoming more insecure and filled with worries. She's by far the most attractive girl I've ever dated and I just never feel good enough for her.

Rather than getting better it seems to have gotten worse recently. I use any small thing to convince myself she's going to leave me, like most women do once they get to know me. I'm genuinely amazed she ever dated me in the first place. I want to get her out of my head so it will hurt me less, but I can't find anything to replace her.

Reading this back makes me sound a bit mad, but it's an honest account of the loops my mind goes in when not fulfilled by some distraction. Have many of you here felt similar before - is it just one of those things that sorts itself out? I'm not sure how much I should talk to her about it, in my head she'll just think I'm somewhere between overly clingy and mad if I tell the truth.
Expand all images.
>> No. 25992 Anonymous
2nd January 2018
Tuesday 12:33 am
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Go see the doctor about anxiety? Some CBT might help.
>> No. 25993 Anonymous
2nd January 2018
Tuesday 12:59 am
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>>25992
You know that could be a good shout. I guess I was thinking this falls under general relationship advice but maybe there is something else there. Without any kind of medical diagnosis, I've had isolated periods of anxiety getting the better before. A couple of months ago I had a couple of what could be described as anxiety attacks for a completely unrelated reason (pain in my knee getting bad after an injury, managed to convince myself I'd never get better from it).

Funnily enough my girlfriend has talked about suffering from anxiety before, so I might ask her more about how she dealt with it.
>> No. 25994 Anonymous
2nd January 2018
Tuesday 1:32 am
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Sounds like a bit of the old imposter syndrome. My best advice is to talk to her about it and how she feels about you.
>> No. 25995 Anonymous
2nd January 2018
Tuesday 10:20 am
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>>25991

That picture sums up January to me.
>> No. 25998 Anonymous
2nd January 2018
Tuesday 11:18 am
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>>25992
We should respond to every /emo/ thread like that. That is our stock response now. They've just got anxiety.
>> No. 25999 Anonymous
2nd January 2018
Tuesday 11:19 am
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>>25995
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6Zl5vpy__dQ
>> No. 26000 Anonymous
2nd January 2018
Tuesday 4:44 pm
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>>25992

This post was hidden from /*/ before I opened up the thread but that's exactly what I thought when I read OPs post; it's almost a perfect description of the negative thought loops that I get into when my anxiety and depression are flaring up.
>> No. 26001 Anonymous
2nd January 2018
Tuesday 5:27 pm
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>>25998
I can't tell if you're being sarcastic or not, but OP is describing anxiety. Maybe they have heard it said before, but maybe they haven't.
>> No. 26005 Anonymous
2nd January 2018
Tuesday 8:18 pm
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>>25999

This is bloody brilliant. Thank you.
>> No. 26188 Anonymous
27th February 2018
Tuesday 9:45 pm
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OP here. She broke up with me last week. Completely out of the blue as far as I could see, less than a week after she told me she loved me on valentine's day. She gave all sorts of reasons, mainly that she felt the relationship was only ever "casual" and didn't want it to get serious. Then she proceeded to list a whole bunch of niggles she had, most of which would have been trivial to fix if she'd ever told me before or could at least have been worked on if I was aware it was a problem. Just frustrates me so much about the lack of good communication we had. Though some things I definitely should have known were bad. Like how she couldn't accept that I was still friends with someone I used to date, I knew we were only friends but I never thought it through from her point of view.

I'm doing my best to get through each day at the moment but it's hard. I'd assumed I wouldn't want to go to work but it's actually good to have something to get up for. I think I can see a light but it's so far away.

My tinnitus has got really bad recently too, I'm finding it hard to sleep with that. Really good timing there. I've booked to see my GP about it, maybe my ears just need a clean out. Waiting list means it takes like a week now which is ridiculous. I'll mention anxiety to, see if he thinks I could benefit from CBT or counseling or something similar.

Not sure where I was going with this but it feels good to dump.
>> No. 26189 Anonymous
27th February 2018
Tuesday 11:37 pm
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>>26188

>Not sure where I was going with this but it feels good to dump.


Sometimes thats all you need. I'm glad you felt you could.
>> No. 26239 Anonymous
15th March 2018
Thursday 4:04 pm
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>>26188

>Then she proceeded to list a whole bunch of niggles she had, most of which would have been trivial to fix if she'd ever told me before or could at least have been worked on if I was aware it was a problem.

Many women expect the bloke to have a sixth sense for that sort of thing, and that he doesn't have to be made aware of it by talking about it.

That's not to say those things are then never the guy's fault; but women should understand that men are no psychics, and are challenged at the best of times to be instinctively aware of all the little things where a woman might be thinking, without articulating it, that that's a problem.

This is something where you can't win as a bloke. Also, OP, I suspect that your insecurities played a big part. If you are insecure about yourself, then you project that on the outside in one way or another as well. You seem like a decent enough lad who's got his head screwed on the right way, you would have had no need to sell yourself that short. Just look at the many idiots around you who in all reality would have no reason to be as confident about themselves as they exude. And yet, it's often the biggest dickheads who have the hottest girlfriends.

That said, sometimes somebody is just out of your league. And that's fine, it says nothing about your qualities in general as a boyfriend or as a human being. Just that sometimes, you are in over your head with somebody that you have no way of measuring up to. It happens. And if somebody constantly makes you feel inadequate, then you yourself should think about whether that person is worth your time in the first place. Because they will very probably never appreciate the real you.
>> No. 26240 Anonymous
16th March 2018
Friday 5:51 pm
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>>26239

>If you are insecure about yourself, then you project that on the outside in one way or another as well.

There's truth to this, insecurity is invariably one of the least attractive traits any human can exhibit.

I'm not trying to hijack the thread but frankly that's the main issue I have with my current partner. Her rampant insecurity and poor self-image lead her into harmful habits. She's accused me of cheating more than once, which I shouldn't have to put up with. She takes small, slight comments way out of proportion- something as simple as suggesting a take-away can set her off. The way she feels about her self can only lead me to question the value of our actual relationship- She's utterly devoted to me, but that's not because we are actually a good couple, it's because she's terrified of being alone, which leaves me feeling pretty bitter.

I'm going to have to end it before long, and the chances are she will be blind sided by it in much the same way as OP.
>> No. 26245 Anonymous
16th March 2018
Friday 9:05 pm
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>>26240
>she's terrified of being alone
I was dumped by someone who is incredibly insecure, so you've just made me feel quite shit.
>> No. 26247 Anonymous
16th March 2018
Friday 9:46 pm
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>>26240

>insecurity is invariably one of the least attractive traits any human can exhibit. 

It depends. Women get away with a little bit of it. If a bloke is into that kind of thing.

As a lad, no. Women might tell you they think it's sweet. But they will usually go for the self confident arseholes instead of you.
>> No. 26255 Anonymous
16th March 2018
Friday 11:56 pm
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>>26245

Sorry, lad, I didn't mean for it to come off that way. Two sides of the same coin though- At times we've almost broken up already because she's had one of those paranoid fits and wanted to break up because she's convinced I'll just leave her for someone more attractive regardless.

Ironically, that is exactly what has ended up pushing me away to the point I feel like I can't truly connect with her any more. We had an ideal relationship, but the fault lines caused by that lack of trust, and what essentially amounts to emotional blackmail, have just run too deep by now. I will feel terrible for cutting her loose but I dunno, you can't really plaster over this kind of rot in the foundations.
>> No. 26272 Anonymous
17th March 2018
Saturday 6:47 am
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>>26255

>Ironically, that is exactly what has ended up pushing me away to the point I feel like I can't truly connect with her any more.

That's called projective transference. It sounds like she has borderline personality disorder.
>> No. 26277 Anonymous
17th March 2018
Saturday 10:10 am
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>>26240

>something as simple as suggesting a take-away can set her off.

She sounds unhinged to the point that I question your health for even staying with her. What are you getting out of this? If you are just soldiering on, what are you trying to achieve here?
>> No. 26278 Anonymous
17th March 2018
Saturday 10:15 am
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>>26277

I'm not him, but she's probably quite nice the 95% of her life she's not kicking off about Chinese food.
>> No. 26280 Anonymous
17th March 2018
Saturday 2:06 pm
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>>26278

Or acccusing him of cheating, or taking small slight comments out of proportion, or staying with him out of her fear of being alone, and her rampant insecurity and poor self image. But if you ignore all of the toxic qualities and patterns of behavior that make her emotionally abusive she is probably quite nice.
>> No. 26281 Anonymous
17th March 2018
Saturday 2:09 pm
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>>26280

I'm not disagreeing he should leave her, it's just undoubtedly more nuanced than that. You should know that relationships look very different from the inside, even if you're writing about all the bad points here.

Anyway, let's not bicker in an /emo/ thread.
>> No. 26283 Anonymous
17th March 2018
Saturday 7:34 pm
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>>26281

>You should know that relationships look very different from the inside

Very true. When one of my relationships as a youngerlad ended, most of our friends were kind of gobsmacked that we were breaking up. For the better part of three years, we were the dream couple in our circle of friends, loved by some as proof that true love still existed, reviled by others for making their own relationships look dowdy in comparison. And what was true enough was that we had quite harmonic periods. Off and on though, unbeknownst to most people. And that was the point. The ugly truth was, although we seemed so beautiful together, we were quite poorly matched, in that we actually had very few common interests, or even things to ever talk about over dinner on a night in by ourselves. In fact, it was often as if we needed constant interaction with others when we were together, in order to not get bored with one another. The sex was satisfying, I think we both agreed on that, but when you got really down to it, that was the only thing we really actually had in common. The attraction to each other's naked flesh.

The fact that all you really truly enjoy doing together is bonking your brains out is no basis for a long-term relationship. It's not that hard to keep up appearances when all your friends see of you is the weekend nights you spend together at parties or down the pub. But behind closed doors, none of that can belie the sad truth that you are spending your time with somebody who just isn't the one for you, and never will be.

So we broke up. There weren't many hard feelings luckily, and we both agreed that those were our problems and that they were irreconcilable. But us splitting up was about as much of a shock to everybody around us as it would be if William and Kate got a divorce.
>> No. 26321 Anonymous
18th March 2018
Sunday 12:40 pm
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>>26277

It's not quite as easy as phoning her up and saying it's over when you live together, that's why.

Otherlad is also right, she's lovely 90% of the time, and it's not as if I don't have feelings for her at all. I'm pretty much stalling until I'm sure it wouldn't be a terrible mistake and I've found the courage to actually go through with it.
>> No. 26322 Anonymous
18th March 2018
Sunday 1:44 pm
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>>26240
I recognise that kind of relationship - deeply toxic.
>> No. 26329 Anonymous
18th March 2018
Sunday 8:53 pm
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>>26239
Yeah for sure, I think my lack of confidence was by far the largest contributor. There was also her whole attitude to dating, which is to say she's a bit of a serial dater and quite possibly would have got bored and broke up with me even if things had gone better. But in hindsight it makes me sick to think how little confidence I had with her, to the point that I found it difficult even to introduce her to my friends as my girlfriend. And one of the many problems she mentioned was that she felt she always had to initiate anything sexual between us. My confidence/insecurity seems to be the root of a lot of it. I'm not sure exactly what to do, but I feel like I need to make some fairly significant changes in my life to become a person I can be confident in.
>> No. 26330 Anonymous
18th March 2018
Sunday 10:31 pm
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>>26329

>There was also her whole attitude to dating, which is to say she's a bit of a serial dater and quite possibly would have got bored and broke up with me even if things had gone better.

Ah, the blessings of modern-day app dating. Consumerism in its most nefarious form.


> But in hindsight it makes me sick to think how little confidence I had with her, to the point that I found it difficult even to introduce her to my friends as my girlfriend.

Do work on that the next time around. Either somebody is your girlfriend, then you have every right to introduce her as such to your friends. Or she isn't, in which case you have more pressing issues to work on than how you should introduce her to your friends.


>And one of the many problems she mentioned was that she felt she always had to initiate anything sexual between us.

Either she was more experienced than you in bed and expected you to do things that you just would have been out of your depth to try and do with/for her, or you really need to kick things up a notch when you are in the sack with somebody. I can see that you were probably just all around intimidated by her and just didn't have the self confidence to take matters into your hands in bed. But also, it's really true that many women still get sexual gratification from the very fact that the lad is the driving force, the one who initiates things. No matter how many times you hear that modern women are above all that, a lot of them still want to be conquered in bed. Being the object of somebody's desire, being the one that things are being done to rather than her having to do them to the lad, can very literally make women wet.

It's fucked up women's psychology. But it's true. They want to be taken. They want to be dominated. Even the ones that pretend to be all sweet and cuddly will secretly want it that way, given a choice. And there are many reasons why a woman may get bored with you over time, but failing to perform and be dominant in bed is one of the surest ways to turn her attention elsewhere.
>> No. 26331 Anonymous
18th March 2018
Sunday 11:05 pm
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>>26330

Just one of the great many double standards modern values have left us with. Undeniably women have a primal attraction to a man who is... Well, a man in the bedroom. However it would be far too simple to suggest that women all need to be dominated, whether consciously or not. There are plenty who are at the other end of the scale and all shades in between.

I think you are reading too much into what is, essentially, a case of common decency. Neither partner should be the one who always initiates sex, nor the one who does all the work during the act. If you want to please each other you should both be putting the effort in.

Incidentally, this is one of my red flags for a partner. Lots of women nowadays seem to have gotten into casual BDSM after watching Fifty Shades, and claim they are a submissive in the bedroom; when in reality it's just code for cleverly disguised selfishness. Who wouldn't want to be the one who just lays there and has things done to them every time?
>> No. 26332 Anonymous
19th March 2018
Monday 11:39 am
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>>26331

> However it would be far too simple to suggest that women all need to be dominated, whether consciously or not.

Most of the time, it does boil down to that though. Women enjoy being the object.


>when in reality it's just code for cleverly disguised selfishness.

Women are not above that, no. I'll give you that.
>> No. 26333 Anonymous
19th March 2018
Monday 1:35 pm
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>>26332
I think we all enjoy being the object of an enthusiastic lovers attention, it's just that women are more socially conditioned to be the more passive party.
>> No. 26334 Anonymous
19th March 2018
Monday 5:37 pm
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>>26321

> It's not quite as easy as phoning her up and saying it's over when you live together, that's why.

Swinging slightly off topic here, but if there's one piece of relationship advice that I plan on passing on to my son it'll be "Never, ever, move in with a bird until you've been a serious monogamous relationship together for at least a year and you're still both happy".

Once you're sharing a flat, both names on the rent contract and council tax, hell knows maybe even a joint bank account.... well splitting up becomes exponentially inexorably harder and harder the longer that goes on.

Now I'm not saying that it can't be done, but once someone receives letters to that address or has their name on the rent contract you can't just kick them out, and often times pooling up the resources for a deposit, x weeks rent etc (out of just your own money mind, not the two-person pot you've been so used to dealing with recently) can be so very very hard.

I suppose part two of that advice to the sprog would be "Always have a secret paper-free bank account and credit card with enough money to get on a train and rent a AirBNB (or whatever we have in twenty years time) for however long it takes you to find and rent a place. Always have your escape route. Don't get trapped into a life of apathy and depression because you didn't have the money to get out while you still could".

Triple sage because my anti-depressants are kicking in and I'm feeling mildly manic, I've gone off topic, and I've used britfa as my personal blog again. Apologies.
>> No. 26335 Anonymous
19th March 2018
Monday 8:05 pm
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>>26334

>you can't just kick them out

Well, I've been here longer, so to be frank that's just what I intend to do. Worst case scenario I bail and stay at a mates (with most of my valuable possessions) for a while to avoid the hostile atmosphere. Luckily we don't have a shared account or anything, she's essentially just giving me her half of the bills and such, which are all still in my name.

I knew back then, when I think about it, that I shouldn't let her move in. But as with most things in this sort of relationship, the pattern seems to have been hesitance followed by guilt and reluctant concession. I hoped in the back of my mind that spending more of her time with me would calm down some of her issues, but it hasn't played out that way, and I only have myself to blame for fantasising that it would.
>> No. 26336 Anonymous
19th March 2018
Monday 8:40 pm
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>>26335
> I hoped in the back of my mind that spending more of her time with me would calm down some of her issues

A thing I learnt early on - you can't fix people and you shouldn't try.
>> No. 26337 Anonymous
19th March 2018
Monday 9:31 pm
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>>26334

>well splitting up becomes exponentially inexorably harder and harder the longer that goes on.


One of my mates just went through the whole litany early last year. They were going to get married even, but she then got cold feet and told him right after Christmas that she just couldn't shake the feeling that she would be making the biggest mistake of her life marrying him in the coming summer. It was as blunt as that. She just sat him down one Saturday afternoon and told him. She didn't want more time to think it over or anything, her decision was final at that point, and they pretty much split up right that afternoon, and for good.

They had been living together for two odd years and known each other for four years, and things seemed to be going fine between them, but somehow marriage was the one thing that wasn't in the cards for them, and the prospect of it ruined their whole relationship.

Anyway, going a bit off topic here, but they had joint bank accounts and both names were on the flat lease, and there was of course all the furniture they had bought together and all those things. It took a few weeks to untangle all of that, and the animosity between them only grew from that. I think the last time they talked with each other was last May. And he still says he never wants anything to do with her again. Not sure what the situation is on her part, but that's how it is now.
>> No. 26338 Anonymous
19th March 2018
Monday 10:45 pm
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>>26337
As painful as that would have been for them, it's a hell of a lot better than going ahead with it and then facing trouble later.
>> No. 26339 Anonymous
19th March 2018
Monday 11:20 pm
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>>26337

The girl in your story has a very strong personality, so much stronger than mine. Maybe she moved back in with her parents for a while, or maybe she had some money set aside to start up again.

Maybe I just have all the backbone of a wet teabag.
>> No. 26340 Anonymous
20th March 2018
Tuesday 1:09 am
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>>26339

Is it showing backbone to back out of an impending wedding? After you did agree to become engaged, after a few years of knowing somebody?

Then again, what are you going to do when somebody decides they simply no longer want you. No matter how well you argue your point. No matter how eloquently you try to talk them into coming back to you. If your partner just doesn't love you anymore, all that means fuck all.
>> No. 26341 Anonymous
20th March 2018
Tuesday 1:16 am
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>>26340
>Is it showing backbone to back out of an impending wedding?

Well you could definitely argue she shouldn't have agreed to it in the first place, but it certainly shows backbone to deal with the problem once you have realised it is a mistake. Becomes a lot more painful and costly later.
>> No. 26348 Anonymous
20th March 2018
Tuesday 4:08 pm
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>>26340

Let's be fair to her, unless you are a proper cold blooded cunt who in their right mind just outright says no to a marriage proposal? You'd have to give it at least a week in any case even if you knew from the moment he got down on his knee.
>> No. 26349 Anonymous
20th March 2018
Tuesday 4:12 pm
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>>26348
>who in their right mind just outright says no to a marriage proposal

Well, no I don't agree with that. Agreeing to marry someone, as a joke, or for other reasons, when you know you don't want to is much worse than being a cold-blooded cunt.
>> No. 26350 Anonymous
20th March 2018
Tuesday 4:20 pm
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>>26349

Yeah but what if he'd made it into a big fancy gesture and all that, middle of a restaurant... Even if it was dishonest I don't think I'd have it in me to say no, not only breaking their heart but humiliating them too.

I mean I agree with the essence of what you are saying but it's one of those things where in reality, it wouldn't be easy.
>> No. 26351 Anonymous
20th March 2018
Tuesday 4:23 pm
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>>26350
>he'd made it into a big fancy gesture and all that, middle of a restaurant

Absolutely even more likely to say no, if I was the bird. I think the big public proposal is an awful thing to do to someone, for just the reasons you suggest - you are putting an enormous amount of pressure on someone, in public, to agree to do something really important; I think girls hate it too. I think I would question why that person wanted to do it in public like that.

You're right, it wouldn't be easy.
>> No. 26352 Anonymous
20th March 2018
Tuesday 4:43 pm
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>>26351

I agree. I always assume people who do this sort of thing are either 100% sure she'll say yes (let's be honest, we all talk about this shit way ahead of time with our partners? right? I know exactly how my missus thinks about marriage) or are very insecure.

I won't ever get married but I definitely think there's a lack of sentimentality to a public proposal. Maybe that's just an introvert's way of seeing it, though.
>> No. 26354 Anonymous
20th March 2018
Tuesday 9:33 pm
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>>26349
>>26350
>>26351
>>26352

If youtube is to be believed, public marriage proposals tend to have a piss poor outcome.


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ql0y-pHZUyk

My theory is that they fail because the reasoning behind them is flawed. What is your point in making such a public affair out of it? For some blokes, I am guessing it might be the idea that the lass isn't going to say no in front of a crowd of dozens or even hundreds of random spectators. In which case the question must be, why do you need her in a spot where she isn't going to say no because of public pressure? Would her answer be more iffy under different circumstances? And if yes, then that is kind of a strong indication that she will never say yes to begin with. Not in private with you, not in front of a hundred people.

I have to hand it to my dad, he was subtle and understated. One day, he was sitting in the livingroom of my parents' flat, hidden behind a newspaper, and on page one of his newspaper there was something about some random aristocratic couple that was getting married that week. So my dad just flipped down the upper corner of his newspaper with his finger and looked at my mum and said, "Hm. What do you think, should we get married as well?". My mum had been dying for him to propose, and then just out of nowhere one day came that deadpan and understated move from my dad. Now, THAT is how you propose with a good sense of humour.
>> No. 26357 Anonymous
21st March 2018
Wednesday 5:28 am
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>>26352
>I won't ever get married

Getting married is one of the best things I ever did. It's a good thing.
>> No. 26358 Anonymous
21st March 2018
Wednesday 6:12 am
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>>26357

I'd probably enjoy doing it, but functionally it's not necessary. Neither me or the missus likes a fuss, and we're pretty certain we're going to grow old together anyway. It seems like a very unnecessary step at this stage. And personally I've always felt it a bit odd to have to declare/promise your commitment? I was planning on that anyways.

Maybe that's a cynical way of looking at it. Did anything change between you and your bird after she became the wife? Or is it more about enjoying the festivities?

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