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>> No. 28870 Anonymous
25th August 2019
Sunday 8:26 pm
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Sorry for adding this short fucking novel to the spate of recent /emo/ posts, particularly one with such a similar problem to otherlad, but I’m >>28820 and this problem is at a crossroads.

No excuses for my behaviour, but the story goes:

I started dating Girl A and things were a bit tepid. We had some nice dates but things weren't getting much beyond platonic. After a couple of weeks of not meeting, Girl B happened to move to a nearby town, someone I’d mingled with in the past and wanted to ask out two years earlier, but our jobs separated us before I had the chance. We met to catch up, and I felt a strong attraction. I visited her over a couple of weekends and things really click, we had some nice long discussions about life, and we had sex.

This is where things get bad. During one of my visits, Girl B looks through my phone while I’m taking a shower, finding messages from Girl A. I explain the situation – that things never really came together with Girl A – and while she’s understandably upset, she apologises for looking through my phone. We put it down to bad timing, and admitted that while the distance made things a bit complicated, we agreed a train journey to spend weekends together is a small price to pay and that it was still worth pursuing.

Girl A figured out something is up when our messaging cooled off. She asked me if there’s anything I want to tell her, and I tried to do the honourable thing. I told her about Girl B. She became angry – I replied that I like her but it wasn’t really clear that there was attraction between us. It could be that we’re different in how we express things. She assured me she that the "signs were there", and asks if we can’t “see where things go without any external interference".

If I were a better person I’d have said no… but I didn't, and Girl B then began to open up. We met up and did some outdoorsy activities, had fun, bonded a bit. We started sharing a bit more of our lives. She eventually offered to cook for me at her flat and I stayed the night. This led to my current situation. I see Girl A once or twice a week the evenings, rarely staying over but sometimes having sex, and I take a train to see Girl B and stay with her every other weekend or so.

I do feel immense guilt, and I know in the back of my head that I’m really sabotaging both. Things have been dragging on like this for a while, two or three months. Combined with money troubles and the fact I'm balancing a ludicrous workload (two part time jobs, odds and ends, organising a big career-related move, and full-time study), this has caused a lot of stress. I feel like I'm living a double/triple life. I want a clear conscience without causing unnecessary hurt.

Actually deciding what to do:

Girl A has a shared love of music, cinema, nature, animals, cutesy stuff. She lives just a few minutes away. She's got an extremely dry sense of humour, to the point where I sometimes find it hard to tell if she's joking. I think she uses humour to hide real emotional expression. She's reserved, but can become very warm when she feels it. Though I find her very attractive, our sex together has undergone a bit of a learning curve. She is kind-hearted and has cheered me up in some rough moments, but I still sense distance there. She's expressed doubts over our long-term viability due to being at 'different stages' of our lives. I think she wants to settle in this city, while I'm planning to continue moving around.

Girl B is goofy, passionate, open to a fault, and seems eager to embrace me as a long-term partner. We talk about academia, politics, career, family. We're extremely physically compatible, affectionate, and sex has been effortlessly good. She's open to being with me despite the distance and the fact my career will require me to move about unpredictably. On the other hand, she has become quite emotionally volatile and vindictive during a couple of nasty arguments over silly things, which I'm still uneasy about. Another not-insignificant factor is that I'm spending a small fortune on train tickets at a time when I can't afford it, though she has been generous enough to host me, feed me, and take me out while I'm there.

It seems like both would make viable but flawed relationships. I also have to consider the fact that both are sweet people that don't deserve to be strung along this way.

I'm aware I've fucked up and been deceptive/selfish in getting to this point. But where do I go from here? What's the best course of action?
Expand all images.
>> No. 28871 Anonymous
25th August 2019
Sunday 9:19 pm
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I don't see why you're struggling with this:

Girl A: Make an effort to work things out, she seems like a nice girl. If things get back on track you could compromise and move to the city with her after uni for your careers to see how you both feel once you've been out in the world a bit. Otherwise just end it because the fires died out and you both want different things.

Girl B: Your relationship with B could work but life is in the way. Finish it on good terms and leave the door open for trying again once your life isn't such a mess.

There are more than 2 women in the world so don't feel compelled to stick with bad situations. And get a lock on your phone like a normal person.
>> No. 28872 Anonymous
25th August 2019
Sunday 9:59 pm
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As a wise man once said, disregard females, acquire currency.

It sounds like B is the one you actually like and you're just being a bit spineless about taking charge and making a decision. Everything you say just sounds like "I don't really like girl A but she's closer so it's easier to get my dick wet." You'll regret staying in a shit relationship because of practicalities more than you will putting up with inconvenience for a good relationship.

Nevertheless, by the sounds of it you simply have bigger things on your plate and aren't really in the place to be with either of them yet. Don't feel pressured to settle down. Don't end up like those lads we were talking about in a thread a few months back, who settle too soon and end up helplessly over their heads in something that deep down they didn't really want.
>> No. 28873 Anonymous
26th August 2019
Monday 12:51 am
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>and while she’s understandably upset, she apologises for looking through my phone. We put it down to bad timing, and admitted that while the distance made things a bit complicated

You're going to get a lot of controlling people insisting I'm wrong on this one but this is where you fucked up.
>> No. 28874 Anonymous
26th August 2019
Monday 9:26 am
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Lad, you're not confident and this drama is a great way to distract you. You clearly have a lot on your plate with work and study- it appears stupid to embroil yourself in more drama.

Your decisions have caused you to feel worse and worse as time goes on, and you seek a solution that gets you out guilt-free. You can't, even if they never find out, as you know what's gone down and how it's played out. You have hurt people and you are living a double life.

There is no issue here, there's nothing to work out- you just need to accept it yourself and move forward. Clearly, both the women are alright but you're not in the right place for either of them. You're being a pussy by leading both of them on. I believe it was you that wrote:

>So you're saying sack them both off and be alone? I may as well take the chance with one of em.

Your aversion to being alone makes it all clear.

If you want to pick A or B then fine, you could probably swing it so that they never found out about all this and go on to live a happy life. However, I think you need to step up a bit and really recognise that a lot of this is about you being scared of being alone. Besides, had you taken action earlier you would have avoided a whole lot of trouble, and could have met the much better girl C, or even girl D (my personal favourite).

Lastly, you might want to think about why you put yourself in this position. It's often talked about passively, as if you can't help who you're attracted to, but you have walked into this of your own volition. There can be motives: it's easier to pine and hope for a better tomorrow, rather than accept and address your grimmer reality.

tl;dr – Get on with it
>> No. 28875 Anonymous
26th August 2019
Monday 9:57 am
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Anon, are you the lad that posted in my old thread about the similar position?

If so, good luck, let me know what you do work out. I think there has to be a mythical girl C or D down the line, one thing I've learnt is that it's a mistake to stay with somebody because they're 'acceptable' and nothing else.

This really stings though, and I know what it's like trying to hold on to two boats sailing in different directions.

Good luck, please update us.
>> No. 28876 Anonymous
26th August 2019
Monday 11:23 am
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>I believe it was you that wrote

That was actually the other lad who is facing a similar problem. I posted in that thread asking how things turned out, but didn't want to hijack his thread with my situation.

Otherwise, I assume you read my post and came to these conclusions about me. If so, not confident in what? My ability to meet new people, or in my life situation right now? Giving that some thought... "Dating" in this way is a new game to me, though I seem to be doing alright at it. Meeting and clicking with people for something more lasting, though, that has an element of chance that I find it difficult to cope with. My life right now is challenging, no doubt, but I am pretty certain things will turn out roughly as I want. As a sidenote, the last thing I wanted was to add this shite on top of almost constant pressure elsewhere.

I'm not sure my problem is fear of being alone -- I actually fear being stuck in a bad relationship more, honestly, which is why I'm thinking a lot about the long-term future. I also notice that there's an assumption here that we're all a bit younger than we actually are. For context, I'm in my late twenties and both girls are early to mid-thirties.

If I were to take a look at myself and why I made these bad decisions, I'd say it's a combination of factors. I was in a situation last year where I invested a lot in a girl and things unravelled within a few months. That was a horrible one. Another is my recent flurry of activity has put me in a kind of "take every opportunity, do everything to the best of your ability, hedge your bets" mindset, but I'm aware this is a morally awful thing to apply to other human beings. Another factor is that I genuinely like both and could see some sort of future with either girl.

I'm not asking to be absolved of guilt for my actions so far. I can live with what I've done, as long as I make some effort now to reduce the inevitable hurt someone's going to feel. I can try to be moral now, at least, and make the best of the situation.


I'm interested in how you came to choose Girl A. They're both nice, and my life is going to be a bit of a mess for a while regardless of who I choose to date. Girl A might be easier, logistically, I guess. When I'm with her, things feel comfortable and 'home-y'.

Leaving the door open for the future with Girl B sounds unrealistic, just speaking instinctively. She's an 'all-in' type. I get the feeling if I were to break things off, especially after our initial weird two-year gap, she'd withdraw completely. We both lead busy lives and neither of us stay in touch with exes.

My phone now has a five-digit lock code on it.


If you put a gun to my head right now and urged me to make a decision, I'd probably say I should let Girl A down as gently as possible, and somehow find the money to realistically pursue a relationship with Girl B. Both are very sweet and kind, but Girl B is just much more flexible, she's put more effort in, things feel more natural, and despite her occasional insane outbursts, she's much more supportive of my plans for the future.

Your point about being pressured to settle down is well-taken, but I don't think either girl is really trying to trap me.

I feel like I'm choosing between emotional and aspirational barriers with Girl A, and economic barriers with Girl B.


You think the phone thing is a deal-breaker, you mean? Can you expand a bit?

>Anon, are you the lad that posted in my old thread about the similar position?

That's me. I'm not sure if my mindset has become much more pragmatic or cynical when it comes to relationships, but I'm coming around to the idea that there is no mythical girl C. Not to flatter myself but I'm decent looking and personable enough, I can get along with lots of people and there's probably lots of 'compatible' girls out there. But that's the thing, you're right, being 'acceptable' isn't really enough to sustain a good relationship.

Everything moving at such a fast pace has left me with precious little time to reflect on what I actually want. That feeling you describe, though, of being caught between two potential futures is painfully real.

I'm thinking I'm going to have to talk this over with them both, soon... likely this week. The support and understanding is appreciated. Keep us updated on your situation, too.
>> No. 28884 Anonymous
28th August 2019
Wednesday 12:40 pm
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Messaging Girl A and urging us to meet to talk...

Even now it's hard to work up the nerve to break up. Not just because I know she'll be hurt and disappointed, but also because I know there's a potential future in there I'll never get to see.

Why is it the moment I'm trying to end it, my mind runs through all the nice moments we've had?

I wish there were some way to continue both relationships without hurting anyone further. But it's easy for me to say from my more comfortable/powerful position. If I were them, I would be very jealous and angry if I knew the truth.

There's also a flipside to me where I almost feel resentful with both, as they both expressed early stage cold feet, anyway. I'm honestly tired of being expected to commit fully to people who are themselves extremely changeable. I know it's just the nature of things...
>> No. 29067 Anonymous
10th November 2019
Sunday 11:28 pm
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If anyone gives a shit how this turned out, the geographically closer but more tepid thing fizzled out. I told her up front that it wasn't working for me. We haven't seen eachother in weeks, and our last fling was months ago. Things were left on a very cold note, and I don't know whether it's worth me trying to salvage a friendship. Maybe it's confirmation bias, but things never really felt right, there.

The more inconvenient but passionate relationship is still going, and though it started with serious issues, I get the sense that this girl sees me as more a part of her life and actually cares for me. The last visits I've been staying longer and I feel like we've reached a new level. This is feeling like a relationship, a fun one.

I think the reason I fucked up like this was really just a fear of emotionally committing to someone who could just call it off at any second. I feel a lot more secure about it, but I have noticed when I start thinking about how things could go south, I start getting the urge to look elsewhere. It can become a crutch, to have other options so you don't have to invest fully in one. But maybe it's worth it, here.
>> No. 29068 Anonymous
11th November 2019
Monday 7:54 am
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Good lad, I did the opposite and I regret it. Basically the exact reverse of yours.

Hope it works for you, if you're both invested enough you'll find a way.

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