Am I unreasonable /emo/?
My boyfriend and I have been together almost three years, and most of those three years has been spent living far apart (he lives down south and I'm a midlands girl at uni).
We have something of a routine where we text goodnight before we go to sleep. Sometimes if he is out he wont necessarily text back instantly, but as long as he at least sends one when he gets home, I'm comforted.
I'm not particularly paranoid, by the way, I just like to know that he is home ok and coherent enough to remember who I am.
However occasionally he 'forgets' to text me at all, which obviously makes me feel quite upset because I end up feeling slightly forgotten, (and a tiny little bit paranoid), usually some level of 'discussion' and apologising ensues most recently ending with him promising not to do it again, or at least try his hardest not to.
Tonight was no different to these nights, I said goodnight fairly early and went to sleep, knowing he was at the pub and not expecting an instant respones. Then I did that annoying 2am-feels-alot-later-wakeup, noticed he hadnt texted and sent a half jokey/half annoyed sarcastic text for him to read in the morning, and decided to waste my time getting back to sleep on facebook (yes, i know, its shit, I'm halfway to deleting it).
There I discovered that he'd posted some shit about something at 1am.
Now I ask you /emo/, is it unreasonable that I feel like he has been a total cunt to me? Perhaps I'm just very tired but I feel like it is much worse that he's found time to facebook when he got home, but not to text me back. So much so that I've been lying awake trying to decide whether this is worth it anymore, he's absolutely brilliant and perfect but he does this so often that it worries me when he goes out because it's so easy for him to forget about me.
tl;dr - I'm just having a bit of a vent so I can get to sleep with an empty head. Though if you can be bothered to read it some advice might be helpful.
p.s - if YOU'RE reading this, yes, this is how much you pissed me off and upset me tonight. I want to say many other things to you but not here.
I think 'unreasonable' is the wrong question. I'd say you might like to consider the game you are playing. It seems you cannot win: if he replies, your anxiety is deferred until the next night. If he does not, you feel paranoid, wronged, and the bat-winged demons of betrayal devour you all night - and you then blame him for this ordeal.
Firstly, your mental processes are your own. It isn't his fault if you spend the night with imaginary horrors gnawing at you. Secondly, this is an anxiety game and you ought to ask why you choose to arrange your life like this: each night you prepare for anguish or its postponement. This is a curious way to spend your time to say the least. Consider whether you might be better off not arranging your emotional life in a manner guaranteed to cause you distress.
How? Well, be frank about your fears about why he may not respond, and see how reasonable they are. Also, you might want to think about how realistic it is to expect loyalty to the routine without exception, and then how this may itself become a power struggle. It also seems like you don't think you deserve this 'brilliant' young man, and so you're secretly convinced he's having it off behind your back.
Well, my middle of the night emotional ranting seems melodramatic now.
>>4094 I don't really think I get anxious about it. For instance I can quite happily fall asleep without him having sent any messages. I just feel a bit, hmm, forgotten about if he hasn't bothered to text me. I never normally push myself to such levels of distress over it, just getting a bit cross.
Last night was different because it looked to me as if he had faffed about on the internet without even thinking to respond to my texts sent 5 hours previous.
I think that's my problem, I'm ever so worried that he will forget about me. I think you're right about this though: >It also seems like you don't think you deserve this 'brilliant' young man, and so you're secretly convinced he's having it off behind your back.
I have no reason to feel that way, certainly no reason that he has given me. But perhaps thats just some stupid issue I have with myself.
(I actually thought that I dreamt writing this, so I do apologise (if you actually read this, you perhaps might) for calling you a cunt. But you are an arse sometimes).
Oh yeah, >this is an anxiety game and you ought to ask why you choose to arrange your life like this: each night you prepare for anguish or its postponement. This is a curious way to spend your time to say the least
It's not something I consciously choose to do, it's more of a routine really. Oh god now you're going to say I'm autistic or something, I'm not. It's just a nice little comfort that he's thinking of me, hence the upset when he doesnt bother responding to me. /essay.
Woman, you think too much. If the guy hasn't given you any reason in the past to make you feel threatened, why feel threatened?
Wait. I just read that out. It seems inevitable what the reply will be.
point being, I'm a guy in a similar relationship. Only difference being I live within commuting distance of the lady. But we have this very same routine. And I admit - i have forgotten or have been late now and then - and have taken the initiative to at least mumble somewhat of an apology-like noise.
Guys are like that. We forget things. We don't mean to, we just do. But then as we are full of little idiotisms, so are women.
Try to give the man a thought before spending a portion of your time flouncing off the handle calling him a cunt and whatnot.
tl;dr - People are imperfect, get over your ideals of Apollo/Aphrodite.
>>4115 >Guys are like that. We forget things. We don't mean to, we just do. But then as we are full of little idiotisms, so are women.
This. In fucking spades. As a male, I have been on the receiving end of rants such as this from a girlfriend. It drives you away. It has the opposite effect that women think it does. Insecurity is never attractive. Please take note OP.
As the first replier made clear, it is you who is building up your own anxiety and fear through expecting him to play your game. To me, just the idea that you have to text each other every single night seems very obsessive. A healthy relationship demands that each person has their space.
Maybe he did forget about you when he got home, because he was pissed or tired or busy or some other reason. Is that a big deal to you? Does that mean he doesn't love you? Of course not. Just slap him on the wrist and get on with your lives instead of panicking. And when you have a real problem with your boyfriend, /emo/ will be here for you.
I think you might do well to understand the mind of a man in a relationship a little better, to be honest. We strongly dislike feeling as though we are being tested by being forced to jump through arbitrary hoops in order to constantly prove ourselves. The stereotype of the nagging shrew girlfriend exists so strongly because men dislike any kind of control being exerted over them, so the second you start to do it, that nagging shrew is how they will start to see you because it's a symptom of exactly what makes men reluctant to commit to relationships. Let the man have his peace, you will reap the benefits for it.
OP, you're being unreasonable. You're being the stereotype you should seek to avoid. I think you've realised you're being irrational and slightly loopy - nip it in the bud now.
It sounds like he didn't want to wake you up with a text, and even if he just forgot...jesus. And to personally call him out on britfa.gs? That's just harsh.
I am having flashbacks of all my failed relationships, OP. Take this as a warning rather than a judgement of your personality. I'm sure you're a lovely girl, but this is the sort of thing men do not enjoy.
>>4190 Very much this.
I blame the boyfriend for putting up with this kind of bullshit.
OP better be good in bed otherwise she'd soon be another one of my exes.
Sage because I am single at the moment and my grammar has not been very good in this post. I think the two things are connected somehow. Either that or it's something to do with WTC7
