http://ceevee.com/

>>711
They were probably changed BECAUSE people were putting them on cats legs.

>>734

>putting them on cats legs

Thank you for that, you wonderful person, you.

>>734
http://www.youtube.com/v/gM-GZHLPNyU

>>736
I posted too soon, should have added:

in before 'haters gonna hate'

>>736

Like a robo-cat. They used the modern tubes though.

>>606
I was a barman for a few years, not any more though, but I am a student and in my current job, I got taxed.

You are allowed to earn up to a bit over £6000 before paying tax. If you have yet to earn this amount since April (not including tips, they are tax free), which I can't imagine you have, but are getting taxed, then you are either on the wrong tax code, or your bar job is a second job (as was my case, I changed contracts, but my work hadn't informed the tax office that the first contract had ended, so they thought I had two jobs with the same company).

You will have to phone the tax office, and get your code changed from BR (basic rate, or whatever you are on) to 647L. They tend to be very kind and helpful for this, so don't worry too much about having to assert yourself.

Once they have updated their system, they will send a letter to your employer updating them on your tax code. They should forward a copy to you too. Then, it's a case of how long HR at your empoyer takes to update their records.

I was assured that I would get all tax I paid since April added back onto my payslip after about 4 weeks (which have yet to pass, so we'll see).

Regarding barwork, it turned me into a monster. I couldn't go to a pub without having little criticisms that I wouldn't have noticed had I remained in ignorant bliss. I never said anything though, although I have (only because they asked) shown a barstaff person how to layer a shooter without it turning into a curdled mess.

I'm glad to be out of it now, I don't notice the little things any more, and I like being able to attend every weekend birthday party or big saturday nights out that all my friends have that used to drive me up the wall having to hear about through the week, every week.

>>527 here.

>>631
3 - Why are most pub cocktails made..

Profit and because noone really cares. I worked in a pub, not a cocktail bar.

4 - Why do big butch men say..
I wasnt aware of that. Care to elaborate?

7 - Have you ever draind the empties into a tub only to see the dog lap the lot up?

Ha. Not the dog, the fucking locals. Alot of them would be out of their giro a week into the month and would ask for the dregs. We generally obliged, but only to the trusted guys who wouldnt sue us if they got ill.

>>631

Forgot all about this thread, sorry!

>1 - Your favorite cocktail (not involving vodka) -

Not involving vodka? Blimey. Not a big cocktail drinker and usually only drink white russians if I have too, but a fun one to make/drink is a cement mixer.

>2 - How you make it?

Two parts lime cordial, one part baileys, one part tia maria/coffee liquour.

>3 - Why are most pub cocktails made with horrible cheap stuff such as Smirnoff and Gordons, and why are the mixes often wrong?

Smirnoffs, Gordons, Bacardi, etc are common, mainstream spirits. They're cheap and easily purchasable. Means less spent by the pub, the better. Also, alot of older drinks are very conservative/small-minded about their booze. They'll refuse to touch vodka unless its the big advert-spamming Smirnoff. Or refuse to touch a beer unless its the world-renowned Budweiser...

Message too long. Click here to view the full text.

>>728

I think Nuke means 'get them completely utterly fucked up in one go.'

For instance, some guy gave me half a pint of something and wouldn't tell me what it was, and I downed it. The nexy morning, ten minutes later, I found out that it was Everclear.

>>730

Ah, then let me re-answer your questions mate.

>5 - Have you ever given a shot of every spirit on the bar, topped it with coke in a higball glass and used it to 'Nuke' a barmaid?

No, not at work anyway. But I've done it at parties to people, where I was practically standing in as "make us a cocktail lad".

>6 - Have you ever Nuked a customer?

I've had to double take on some requests before. Some fella asked for two doubles of Jack Daniels, in a pint glass, topped with coke. I asked if he was sure then served him it. An hour later, after his second one of these, the doormen had to carry him out for grabbing someones wifes arse.

>8 - Have you ever Nuked a dog?

Can't say I've got a dog pissed, but my pet dog has a habit of bolting it over to any spilt beer and lapping it up. Would never willingly pour him it like!

Message too long. Click here to view the full text.

So Guys it's the OP here.

I'm sorry to break up your conversation about Warhammers and the secrets behind Thatcher closing the pits, but I've got to go do that 30 minutes of talking to people in exactly 2 hours, so any last minute advice would be greatly appreciated.

>>706

How did it go?

>>706

Don't mention the orcs. They have spies everywhere. If you have already made this mistake and hinted at the devils beneath us then God rest your soul.

>>710
Join the Resistance lads, we will win out.

>>708

Well I think it went well, didn't convince anyone to buy any Blu Ray players or games consoles, but I was complimented on the way I approached certain customers.

Most of the time I was just like "Is there anything in particular you were looking for?"

Apart from 3 occasions everybody was just like "nah m8 just browsing init"

Just checking, have you seen the CV thread further down?

>>680

http://docs.google.com/fileview?id=0B7ttSXbDyWtaNDk2ZDM1MDEtNGEyOC00ZjIwLTgxZDQtMjE1ZDcxMTdmY2Q1&hl=en&authkey=COenwIkD

The timeline broke slightly upon conversion. The bottom of each line is supposed to have a circle instead of an arrow.

>>691

Personally, I think that you should tell your connexions man to fuck off.

Also

>I'm also currently developing a social network based around music bringing together artists and their fan bases.

Tell me more.

>>680
>as opposed to mine which has boxes and a thick black line down the middle.
>nice timeline
>It's all pretty

Sounds fucking awful to me.

Do not use boxes or formatting or lines on your CV. This is not an opportunity for you to show off your use of Word or proficiency in desktop publishing or graphic design - you're probably shit at it. I have written software for recruitment firms that parses CVs (extraneous formatting means those systems can't read your CV) and therefore have seen literally thousands and thousands of CVs. I have also hired people on behalf of other firms including large banks (extraneous formatting almost always looks cack and unprofessional) and my own firms.

Use text, paragraphs and no other formatting. The most you can use is some bold or italics (to denote the company names or organisations you have studied/worked at, nothing else). Plain font. If you need to use distractions or formatting such as this, then I'm going to think something is wrong with you. Just use text. Describe what you have done, when you did it and if you're trying to get a job in IT, you can summarise (using a simple comma separated line of words) the packages or systems you have used in that job/place.

Overuse of formatting is a very common mistake. They go straight in the bin every time. CVs are a dry business document and they have a fairly standard format.

_{ps I just looked at your CV on docs.google.com - that is dia-fucking-bolical. One of the worst CVs I have ever seen. Forgive my brutal honesty, but you need to be told. Based on that layout there is no way on earth I would interview you. I'm sure you're a great network technician but your graphic design skills suck. Put the work experience section before education, too.}

>>717
Also, I'll samefag my own post as I managed to tolerate it for long enough to actually read what you're saying.

Your personal statement at the top is really wanky. Remove it. Just tell me what you've done, and what you know about, not what you perceive the benefits of a Network Technician are. Just the facts, man. Don't try and "sell" in that way. It treats your audience like an idiot. I already know what Network Technicians do.

Present the CV as your Key Skills section, Work Experience, Education, Personal Interests/References bit - in that order. Lose every single bit of that formatting.

tl;dr: Your skills and experience are actually okay, the way you are presenting yourself is truly awful. My mind boggles too. I might actually keep that version of your CV as an example of how not to do it - it really is that bad.

_{If it helps you actually take on board what I'm saying, I am twenty years ahead of you in experience, do a very similar job and earn more than 100k per year doing it}

I destroyed that test, I did it in 9 mins something. But I failed the assesment interview. I was going for warfare officer but he said my lack of any leadership experience outside academics meant I was not a suitable candidate.

Join the wavy navy and you will get shot at slightly less often.

>>580

If I knew this two years ago, I'd be in Afghanistan right now. I'm not sure what's going to stop me when I leave college/uni.

>>702
If you think joining the army for the physical training is a good idea then I suppose, indeed, no intelligent argument can sway you.

>>703

I was thinking of joining the army because I'd otherwise be rotting in my cesspit of a town, which I now am.

Two years ago, I decided not to join up for the sole reason that I didn't think I was hard enough.

And stop being such a sarky cunt, you sarky cunt.

>>687

Only if you think you can outrun the door person, and never ever want to go back to that particular store again in a week to do the same thing.

>>675

Asda is very easy to rob anything from. They make too much money to care for security. The security desks are never manned.

>>692

Yeah, my friends were only caught because they went through the alcohol aisle, so the staff were watching them.

Personally, I think it's karma for them trying to stab me in the back and muscle me out.

>>575
> The idea is that the £50/60 a week pays for travel and interview clothes.
You can claim back travel expenses if it's travelling to/from an interview, so that's not what the cash is for.

>>686
>6) When nobody's looking, bring the DVD across and have your friend bag it. Don't let it touch the floor but try and make it look like you're not holding it. Easier than it seems.

What?

Don't lean over peoples meals.

Know the food inside out, don't hover around tables, always look busy.

The first is the most important. You should have that covered since you're having a proper tasting session, but it's vital to know what is in what dish, and have your own opinion of each of them too (though don't ever slate your own food for obvious reasons). Always double check when it comes to allergies, you'll never recover from accidentally killing a diner.

You should be aware, if you are not already, that the kitchen is a pit of despair, rage and horror, and as a waiter you and the cooks will have a light hearted 'us vs them' thing going on. It's important to remember though that in a kitchen, everyone is very, very angry. The chefs may very well threaten to stab you, but they probably won't. If they ever do throw a knife it will be done slowly enough for you to dodge it - if it hits you they really don't like you, but I'd not worry about that. Just expect to be sworn at and abused every time a customer makes a substitution or, god forbid, sends something back. Never take the customers side in the kitchen, and never mention how pissed off the chef is to the customer. Ever.

Everything else comes with time, really.

To summarise:

1) Don't kill any customers
2) When in kitchen, be ready to duck
3) Take up smoking, you'll get more breaks

n.b I am not a waiter, but I've worked in many a kitchen.

Message too long. Click here to view the full text.

>>645
This is very important. If you have a tea towel, apron or whatever, make sure its tied back so it doesnt flap in customers faces when you lean in to gather plates and whatnot.

Always make sure to smile when in the 'front of house' (customer area). Any time you need to be pissed off or whatever just do it in the kitchen.

When cleaning tables, spray the bottle into the cloths and not onto the table itself. I once made this mistake and sprayed cleaning liquid into a families eyes (they were too polite to say anything though, but i heard it later from my manager).

If customers try to initiate conversation with you, then allow it. Making a good report with customers is what brings them back (and what keeps your tips coming in). Even if its just banter, it makes the whole experience feel more personal. If youre busy then obviously you cant talk but but dont just brush them off (having a stack of washing out back with only afew table in isnt busy. Being rammed with food waiting to be served is busy).

It is generally a rule that you go back to a table about halfway through eating and ask if everything is okay (once is enough, they want to eat yaknow).

Keep an eye out for anyone trying to draw your attention.

If you do get busy, dont run around list a flustered duck. Keep a cool head and plow on through. Even if you KNOW youre fucked, dont show it to the customers or they'll lose faith in your service.

Message too long. Click here to view the full text.

>>646
Ah, ive worked as both a chef and waitor, so i can tell you that this man speaks the truth (although i was generally a calm chef (microwave technician)).
Same about smoking. I never have done and it pissed me off royally when everyone else was on break every 45 minutes leaving me to washup or whatever.

>>647

This is all good stuff, especially being friendly. Customers can and often will remember a waiter for years, I know the face of the bald fucker in my local italian who ignored me and the missus all night a year or so back and I know the lovely polite ones too who were nothing but helpful. Regulars are a waiters best friend, but this is stuff you pick up along the way too, you shouldn't be too concerned with squeezing money out of people just yet, that will come in time from what I've seen.

Also, you might very well enjoy http://welldonefillet.com/, particularly his older stuff where he more directly gives advice to waiters and customers on the whole.

>let him suck me off.
i supose i got in this situation through using the internet.

What is this doing in /job/? I suppose in the absence of a /nosh/ this may qualify as a prospective career path.

Did you do it op? was he cheesey? I bet he was cheesey.

>>604

>to let him suck me off

>>589

In today's economy we need people like the OP to help us recover. His guilt-ridden homosexual prostitution is one of the few green shoots in sight.

Do it, OP. Do it for fish and chips. Do it for Spitfires and afternoon tea. Do it for football and real ale. Do it for empires won and lost. Do it for rainy days and picnics at the beach. Do it for Britain. Let that man suck your cock.

God bless you.

>>624
From my experiences, Little Chefs are run down, drab little places stuck in the 70's. God help you Lad.

>>/nom/3410

Are you a dwarf?

>>628
If all the staff working at Little Chef were actually midgets I suspect the company would be far more popular.

>>629

I think this is an idea you can take all the way to the bank.

>>614 I've applied for Tescos, a job cleaning the forecourt at a petrol station and a job in a corner shop. All 3 are minimum wage, I have a suit and a large folder of achievements.

>>615
>>I have a suit and a large folder of achievements.

You'll go far young man.

>>617 I'm trying to work out if that's sarcastic or not.

>>619

I was being totally sincere in my wish for the ladmate to go far.

>>623 Cheers mate! Sorry for the lapse of judgement in my fellow .gs brother.

Hello,

The Job Centre isn't going to give you a job, their responsibilities are to make the process of finding a job easier, and to show you how to make yourself more attractive to employers.

Job Centre staff are not paid on a commission basis. I would assume, however, that if they are faced with somebody who simply wants somebody to find a job for him, rather than somebody who just wants a bit of help, they're likely to be less than immediately useful.

>>592 here. I wasn't taking the piss. During one of my best performances on the Nash I was purportedly engaged in setting up my own business. In order to do this I had to fill in some forms designed with the bungled and the botched in mind. I got to a line which had a missing word, a word I was of course intended to supply, whose selection would proudly display my deathless motivation to the skate-eyed pencil neck across the desk. The line read 'To get a job I will have to ............', and I supplied 'suffer'. This led to a conversation in which I defended my choice and added 'humiliation' as well. The adviser conceded my point, let it stand and signed the form off. I had balanced the ball on my nose and honked the horn, and now he was tossing me my fish.

In a moment of guileless candour he revealed to me that he had been on the dole since leaving whichever cornflake box degree haemorrhage he had told himself was a university. He then told me that he used to sign on here and got nothing until he applied for the job to interview people who had to sign on here... Thankfully I could now transfer my mendacious charade to the office of a nearby chancer and fantasist, being happy to escape this hall of mirrors once and for all. So really - apply for a job at the job centre.

For all those saying 'the Job Centre isn't there to give you a job' - that's exactly what they profess to be doing.

When I was on JSA a year or so back, every sign on the chap would search the JOB CENTRE WEBSITE for jobs I had said I was interested in (you could only supply two different sorts of jobs 'anything' was not acceptable) and then this man would print off a few jobs from the Job Centre website for me, as if I hadn't been doing that every fucking day myself anyway. I wasn't on it for that long, but if you stay on it for a few months, they start to force you to go to interviews lest you lose your money. So they most certainly do try to give you a job, they're just not very good at it.

>>601

I think there's an ambiguity in meaning. As you say, they make it very easy for you to get a job. Then they sort of force you to try a bit harder if their initial efforts haven't worked. What they don't do is find you a job, apply for it for you, and attend the interview.

Their mandate is to make it easier for you, which I think they do. The Jobcentre search engine is horrific, but there's some OK stuff on there. I was only on it for four weeks, but that £200 did me jolly nicely when it came to buying fuel. Plus, I won £50 on a scratchcard one morning just before my appointment.

I found them quite helpful. They told me in person where the best places in town were for applying, who the most reliable agencies were, and how to distinguish myself from the masses of students who populate my nearest city. They also offered to put me in touch with some other jobcentres from nearby towns, but I was conducting my own job search fairly successfully so declined.

>>602

Fair enough. I suppose it depends on the jobcentre you go to, your area, and the person you get. I estimated that 90% of the chaps in my dole queue were scroungers, I imagine that didn't inspire them much to help anyone after a while.

I take it all the people here are talking about enlisted service rather than officer experience? Don't often hear much about the latter.

sup

not OP here, but I've also been considering joining up, to the air corps particularly. I have some qualifications so I may be able to become an officer.. which I think would be nice. My mathematics is probably not up to scratch, though.

I don't much care for the "adventure" or "future prospects", I am simply finding everyday bullshit very boring and tedious and I'd much prefer fucking around in ditches all day ( as another poster described ).

Something that's been nagging at me, and I haven't been able to find any information regarding it, is my nearsightedness- Will this affect the selection process at all if I have fucked up eyes?

>>558
>>Something that's been nagging at me, and I haven't been able to find any information regarding it, is my nearsightedness- Will this affect the selection process at all if I have fucked up eyes?

Depends, but in general yeah you are bound to be a deskbound remf. The flipside is that you are marginally less likely to have to kill someone face to face so you can shrug off the joint moral responsibility of it all.

I posted about my experience before and omitted the fact that I passed officer training selection with top marks on everything, but opted for the other route.

Sage for posting about a part of my life I'd rather forget.

>>559

I see. Well, that's nothing terrible. At least I can get in, then. Do you know if I'll be able to wear my own glasses, or will I have to go with those infamous thick-framed cunts?

>>450

I'm a civilian in the MOD, and at least all the army lads (and the few lasses) I talk to seem to love it. But then, we only really get Cpl and above around our way, so it may not be representative of your first however-many years as a basic Tom.

The ARRSE link above is a good shout, or you could try something like the TA for 6 months to see how you take to the drill, fieldcraft, and such-like. (But if you do join up, don't assume that your TA-knowledge makes you instant SAS material. That way lies very irate DS.)