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Subject   (reply to 418197)
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>> No. 418197 Anonymous
27th June 2018
Wednesday 1:20 am
418197 Things which are mildly amusing but not enough to warrant their own thread.
I was in a meeting tonight and two people walked in late during a minute's silence. I was just thinking how truly weird it must have been for them to walk in and everyone was sitting there in dead silence.
Expand all images.
>> No. 418198 Anonymous
27th June 2018
Wednesday 1:31 am
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I have a suspicion that my boss is having an affair. His wife and their daughter are away this week, and he went to get a haircut, had his assistant get some clothes back from the dry cleaner's for him, and bought a bottle of champagne this afternoon that he put in the fridge at the office. And when my coworker jokingly asked, "Oh, is that bottle for everybody?", he said, "No, erm, it's for this thing I have tonight. Never mind".

I know nothing if somebody asks me.
>> No. 418199 Anonymous
27th June 2018
Wednesday 2:51 am
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I fucking love an office affair.
>> No. 418201 Anonymous
27th June 2018
Wednesday 2:56 am
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I took a much younger female friend out for a drink this evening and got so drunk she was sick all over my trousers.

Think I'm in there lads.
>> No. 418202 Anonymous
27th June 2018
Wednesday 3:34 am
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When I was 17, I threw up on the manager of Cream in Liverpool, who was also my friend's boss. It wasn't in Cream but in a pub and I did it while walking out, because I left before them, and they got the third degree after.

>Are you sure you don't know that person? You seemed to be with him.
>> No. 418203 Anonymous
27th June 2018
Wednesday 6:54 am
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A couple were having an affair at the place I worked before but it was so weird.

One worked upstairs and the other worked downstairs. They'd always go for lunch together in her car but they'd never actually discuss this in the office; she'd ring him and then he'd just put the phone down and walk outside to meet her in the car park without saying a word. They'd get flustered if you asked them anything about what they had for lunch or where they went. They'd also do things like booking the same hotel for the Christmas party, even though she usually lived about 10 minutes from the venue so had no real reason not to get a taxi or train home like everyone else.

It was so secretive yet blatant at the same time. His wife almost certainly knew but her husband seemed clueless.
>> No. 418205 Anonymous
27th June 2018
Wednesday 10:15 am
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>>418199 >>418203
These sound bloody salacious. The only office news we've had at our place is the exact opposite, in that two of the managers from different teams apparently fell in love and got married last year and kept it absolutely silent until about a month before the wedding. They're a true odd couple and all, one is possibly the sweetest and most softly-spoken person in the office, very elegant and upright, could possibly be a model for a tasteful M&S clothing campaign for the mid-30s lady, does marathons and raises loads of money for a hospice in St Lucia every year. The man comes in regularly in a trucker cap and trackies and has tattoos over every inch of his skin up to his neck, and a very weird sense of humour.
>> No. 418207 Anonymous
27th June 2018
Wednesday 10:26 am
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It's amazing how quickly people catch on. I suppose you get to know peoples habits and notice when they change. When a married bird at work and myself started some major workplace flirting I feel like people on my team noticed before I did.

People love a bit of gossip as well, so I think speculation plays into it too. For me, the rumour was that I was shagging her since day one, and the sole cause of this woman's divorce, when in reality I didn't shag her until about 2 months after her divorce and she didn't even work for the company anymore.

Conversely when I was actually actively fucking a manager, often in the building after work, and sometimes very clearly disappearing with her for an hour or two, leaving staff parties at the same time, etc etc, no fucker noticed, and my work friends didn't even believe me when I told them later on.
>> No. 418208 Anonymous
27th June 2018
Wednesday 11:00 am
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This is the thing though, no one had any idea until someone who'd been invited to the ceremony let it slip. Their behaviour towards each other didn't change a bit, though it might've been easier for them to fly under the radar as their teams don't have much interaction with each other.

Overall it's just really sweet and heartwarming. We've all seen pictures from the wedding and it's all very lovely. They have a dog now too.
>> No. 418209 Anonymous
27th June 2018
Wednesday 11:39 am
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That's how they mark their territory.

When I was 15 I watched a girl crawl into a bath tub at my mates house and vomit all over herself. We were 15, so it was some alcopop thing that made her vom a lovely pink colour. It was that night that I decided to tell her I fancied her. I think I even kissed her post-vomit. It didn't go particularly well after that, but we reconnected years later and we're together now.

I've gotten a lot of miles out of people asking us how we met.
>> No. 418211 Anonymous
27th June 2018
Wednesday 2:56 pm
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It doesn't seem to be somebody from work though, but outside of work... if that's really what my boss did with that champagne bottle last night.

One of my other coworkers did tell me today that our boss had a real spring in his step when he left the office last night, but he still wouldn't say where exactly he was going.


I went on a hot date with a lass once and managed to knock over a full large cup of cappuccino, much of which got on her jeans, and with which she had to walk around for the remainder of our date that evening.

Didn't stop her from ending up being with me for two years after that date though. She later said if it had been "just some guy", maybe she would have got up and left. But at the time, she was already completely smitten with me and just thought it was a funny little mishap.

So I guess there's a test for you to see if somebody is interested... spill a cup of coffee all over her trousers, and then see what she thinks of it.
>> No. 418370 Anonymous
3rd July 2018
Tuesday 11:26 pm
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Evidently I'm pissing in two directions at once. I've just been for a piss and somehow managed to get some on the back of my leg. I've also noticed that at the urinal at work I'm leaving a damp patch on the floor, which I initially assumed was a leak. The thing is, I can't see it happening. I only see one trail of piss and it's going exactly where it's aimed at. Either that or I'm generating a lot of spray.
>> No. 418372 Anonymous
3rd July 2018
Tuesday 11:53 pm
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I was standing next to a guy at one of those old style urinals inside a toilet trailer at a festival last year where you basically just collectively wee against the wall. The guy was so off his tits that he was swaying from side to side. I could half tolerate a few stray sprinkles of urine coming from his direction, but then at some point he spat to the side and part of it landed right on my trainers.

I came close to punching him in the face, but then I realised just how off his tits he was. And then he just rolled his eyes at me and mumbled something unintelligible which sounded vaguely like he was telling me to fuck off, and then lost his balance and fell to the piss and overflowing toilet water soaked trailer floor. I thought that was enough punishment, so I left it at that.
>> No. 418391 Anonymous
5th July 2018
Thursday 5:06 am
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The censoring on these butt plugs.
>> No. 418393 Anonymous
5th July 2018
Thursday 9:05 am
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Buying £5 insertable sex toys from China is probably bad news anyway.
>> No. 418406 Anonymous
5th July 2018
Thursday 1:52 pm
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It's not censored. They come with the NO sign attached to preserve your modesty.
>> No. 418409 Anonymous
5th July 2018
Thursday 2:53 pm
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Why would they feel the need to censor the tip of a butt plug?
>> No. 418416 Anonymous
5th July 2018
Thursday 7:35 pm
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why knot.jpg
There are worse better examples.

Also, I really want some of this fool passion:
>> No. 418429 Anonymous
5th July 2018
Thursday 10:55 pm
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If it's not platinum-catalysed silicone, it's not going up my arse.
>> No. 418432 Anonymous
5th July 2018
Thursday 11:23 pm
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Or... you could go green and slip a beautifully crafted wooden butt plug up your back passage.


Although some of them look like somebody broke a piece off their bedpost. Maybe that's even how they initially got their product ideas.
>> No. 418435 Anonymous
6th July 2018
Friday 12:56 am
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Chefs can't use wooden chopping boards anymore due to elf & safety but there are carpet-baggers out there whittling buttplugs out of yewtree RIGHT NOW and we can't do a thing about it.

Broken Britain.
>> No. 418436 Anonymous
6th July 2018
Friday 1:12 am
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As long as you are the only one using the butt plug, what does it matter.

Which reminds me, did you know that in ancient Rome, public restrooms had no separate stalls, and toilet seats were all arranged in rows facing each other... so you would basically have your poo in full view of other people... but the real kicker was that there was no toilet paper, but just one wet sponge on a stick that was kept in a water bucket. Whoever needed to wipe their bum did so with the same sponge on a stick that dozens of people had used before you.

I guess with no concept of germs and pathogens, no harm was seen in it.
>> No. 418437 Anonymous
6th July 2018
Friday 7:11 am
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Hence the saying "the wrong end of the stick".
>> No. 418441 Anonymous
6th July 2018
Friday 11:13 am
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>As long as you are the only one using the butt plug, what does it matter.

Bacterial growth, mate. Wood's a porous material, and I'm sure you know about the massively increased risk of STI transmission in anal sex. I personally wouldn't want a wooden sex toy anywhere near my back passage.
>> No. 418443 Anonymous
6th July 2018
Friday 12:20 pm
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Have you seen the crucifixion scene where Jesus is forced to drink from a sponge soaked in vinegar? Well, it was one of those sponges. Some retarded middle eastern christians even made a relic cult out of it:

>> No. 418444 Anonymous
6th July 2018
Friday 12:50 pm
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But it also depends on how the wood was treated. If it's sealed with some sort of lacquer, then that creates a watertight surface really not much different from a rubber or latex butt plug. You can then just wipe it with disinfectant after each use like you would with other materials.


>An approximate recreation of the beverage can be made by combining 1½ cups of vinegar with ½ cup of honey, 1 tablespoon of crushed coriander seed and 4 cups of water

Interesting. I might try that some time.
>> No. 418447 Anonymous
6th July 2018
Friday 12:57 pm
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If you replaced the water with a little bit of olive oil, you'd have a lovely salad dressing.
>> No. 418453 Anonymous
6th July 2018
Friday 2:35 pm
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They must have missed that bit in the film.

>> No. 418780 Anonymous
17th July 2018
Tuesday 3:24 pm
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When I collect ebooks, I keep seeing names which make me think

>you are doing exactly what you're supposed to be doing in life
>> No. 418781 Anonymous
17th July 2018
Tuesday 5:22 pm
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There's a quite fleshed out theory on this sort of thing which I enjoy a lot.


For what it's worth I used to work with a lass who played Tuba in an orchestra part time, her surname was Horn.
>> No. 418782 Anonymous
17th July 2018
Tuesday 6:27 pm
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Before having a child, I should change my name to something high-achieving sounding like Fintech.
>> No. 418783 Anonymous
17th July 2018
Tuesday 7:27 pm
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If we go by this logic then my surname would seem to indicate that I'm destined to be a beekeeper. Fittingly with the course of the rest of my life, the only thing I'm incredibly allergic to is bee stings, so at least I'd be on course for the ironic* early death that's awaiting all 3 of us

*if this is one of those cases where you're going to link that Ed Byrne video about the missed definitions of "ironic" in that Alanis Morisette song, you can done one you massive pedant
>> No. 418785 Anonymous
17th July 2018
Tuesday 7:53 pm
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My surname is an Anglicisation of an old-norse place name that roughly translates as "misty brook", so I guess I'm predestined to be bland and unnoticeable.
>> No. 418786 Anonymous
17th July 2018
Tuesday 7:57 pm
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If you're posting on .gs then you're already there mate. What's it like to have peaked so young?
>> No. 418787 Anonymous
17th July 2018
Tuesday 8:26 pm
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Is that you Dad?
>> No. 418788 Anonymous
17th July 2018
Tuesday 9:55 pm
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One of my history teachers had the surname Kerr. He would go on and on about the fact that it was an anglicisation of an old Norse word which meant something like "man of the marsh". Apparently, there is also a Clan Kerr in Scotland, but my teacher said he was not related to it.
>> No. 418790 Anonymous
17th July 2018
Tuesday 10:28 pm
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Well would you want to be associated with some Scots, when you could instead be associated with some muddy wet ground.
>> No. 418791 Anonymous
17th July 2018
Tuesday 10:40 pm
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Then again, Scotland does have its share of muddy wet ground.
>> No. 419585 Anonymous
15th August 2018
Wednesday 8:29 pm
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On technological solutions to drivers falling asleep:

>IBM is developing an even more sophisticated system, known as the Artificial Passenger. An intelligent computer, which knows the driver’s personal profile and interests, holds a conversation with the driver. It asks questions and even tells jokes (though humour is reportedly not yet one of its strengths). If the driver’s responses are slow, flat in intonation and fail to make sense, the Artificial Passenger may judge that the driver is sleepy and urgently needs to be revived. If so, it will automatically open one of the car’s windows, sound an alarm or even activate a device that sprays cold water in the dozing driver’s face.
>> No. 419586 Anonymous
16th August 2018
Thursday 12:28 am
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If you build cars for idiots, you will have people behaving like idiots. Electronic systems like that only serve to remove even more responsibility from the driver.

If you're too tired to drive, pull the fuck over already and rest for a bit. It's not complicated.

We are removing responsibility and self reliance from the act of driving a car, just as the Smartphone generation is waiting to get their licences.

This will only end badly.
>> No. 419587 Anonymous
16th August 2018
Thursday 12:33 am
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I just liked the idea of a robot blaring a horn at you and squirting water in your face because you didn't laugh at its joke. I already do that when I'm in the passenger seat anyway.
>> No. 419593 Anonymous
16th August 2018
Thursday 2:01 am
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>I was awake. You're just not very funny.
>> No. 419595 Anonymous
16th August 2018
Thursday 2:27 am
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There's no way that could react quickly enough to the biggest danger a tired driver faces, which is the phenomenon of nodding off for a second or two in a microsleep.

It's happened to me before and it was fucking terrifying, particularly as I was on a 60mph road at the time. I pulled over the very first opportunity I had and had a nap in the layby. As >419586 says, there's no way in hell the solution to that problem should ever be me thinking "oh well if it happens again then I'm sure the car will spit water at me before I smash into the central reservation"

I imagine it'd be far more effective to put money into tech that keeps the car in its lane automatically or can stop automatically when it senses an obstacle ahead of it. Both of these things exist already and are in my partner's relatively basic new Merc, and something like a Tesla will obviously quite literally take over the driving for you, and the only thing stopping it doing so for more than a very brief period of time right now is the law.

As much as I'm a motoring enthusiast who hates even traction control that's too presumptive, I think we'll all be better off once every bloody car on the road knows better than we do how to avoid us killing ourselves.
>> No. 419596 Anonymous
16th August 2018
Thursday 3:36 am
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>Something like a Tesla will obviously quite literally take over the driving for you, and the only thing stopping it doing so for more than a very brief period of time right now is the law.

You've left out the detail where self driving cars have already killed several people.
>> No. 419605 Anonymous
16th August 2018
Thursday 5:44 pm
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True. I had also neglected to mention that no human controlled car has ever killed anyone.
>> No. 419606 Anonymous
16th August 2018
Thursday 5:54 pm
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<1.5 fatalities per 100 million miles. So far safer than autonomous vehicles that still require constant human supervision and intervention.
>> No. 419610 Anonymous
16th August 2018
Thursday 7:18 pm
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The differance being that if I knew someone had a history of driving into stationary trucks at motorway speeds killing everyone on board we expect them to be held responsible for that and I wouldn't get in a car with them driving.
>> No. 419611 Anonymous
16th August 2018
Thursday 7:42 pm
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This is completely illogical. I hope you realise that.
>> No. 419612 Anonymous
16th August 2018
Thursday 7:45 pm
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You'd get into a car with a driver you know is unsafe and I'm the illogical one?
>> No. 419615 Anonymous
16th August 2018
Thursday 8:12 pm
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I can guarantee 100% you've been driven by multiple people that were the sole cause of a crash. Whether it was fatal or not, perhaps not, but anyone with even a semblance of knowledge on how road accidents work would know that's not relevant.

Besides that, human drivers as a whole are still hugely more dangerous than self driving cars, whether they've had an accident yet or not, they're orders of magnitude more likely to have one. The numbers are already in this thread so I won't repeat them, but let's put it this way - even within a single hour of the self driving fatality happening, a few hundred thousand humans also caused a fatal accident. Statistically even within a fifty miles radius of that crash, human caused road fatalities will have vastly outnumbered self drive fatalities.

You're basically staring at a million piranhas in a lake, and telling us the lake is dangerous because one bloke with a blood disease pricked his finger into the water last year.
>> No. 419617 Anonymous
16th August 2018
Thursday 8:30 pm
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Self driving cars are only going to reach peak kills when a stream of them all make the same mistake - driving off a mountain because the road markings are dodgy or some such. Until then, they're rare enough, and the errors are rare enough, that apologists can keep saying that a few deaths here and there don't matter. They _will_ matter when the efficiencies of scale kick in.
>> No. 419618 Anonymous
16th August 2018
Thursday 10:04 pm
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The true issue with self driving cars will never be them making mistakes - even relatively basic cars being sold right now are clever enough to put brakes on before they hit something, regardless of road markings or whatever else - seriously, I had a Peugeot I bought for six grand in 2016 and it had a feature where it'd essential stop itself if I was about to drive into the back of someone, and my missus car now knows when an incline is too steep for it and will refuse to let you drive down it - the tech is already reliable in that regard. Not to say that accidents won't happen, they certainly will - but I think almost every instance will be one self driving car versus a careless pedestrian or human driver. Until every car is self guided we'll have big problems, physically and ethically. I just can't see it working with mixed traffic, it has to be all or nothing.

In mixed traffic, real problems come when your car starts making decisions for itself. It's the classic trolley problem. Should your car swerve itself to avoid a pedestrian, endangering your own life in the process? Should it plough through them to preserve you? Should it just be based on the informed probability of survivability of both parties? Somewhere along the line that's a programming decision that needs to be made. Who is to blame when a self driver hits someone? The owner? The manufacturer? The government? Would you buy a car you knew had a chance of deciding that sacrificing you is the best course of action in a crash? Would you dare go out in your normal car if you knew a Tesla might shunt you to protect it's owner?

Obviously these aren't every day scenarios, the net benefit will still be hugely reduced accidents, but the accidents that will still happen might not be classified as accidental anymore.
>> No. 419619 Anonymous
16th August 2018
Thursday 10:15 pm
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You don't know anyone's safe, it's all a matter of probability, the only difference is you can put statistics and measurements on self driving cars, which you can't do from your sample size of your mum.
>> No. 419620 Anonymous
16th August 2018
Thursday 11:43 pm
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>sample size of your mum
So large she's statistically significant.
>> No. 419623 Anonymous
17th August 2018
Friday 8:13 am
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Your mum is so fat she has her own distribution.
>> No. 419624 Anonymous
17th August 2018
Friday 9:01 am
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That's so random.

It's August, why would I need a coat?
>> No. 419646 Anonymous
17th August 2018
Friday 9:46 pm
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You're just being mean now.
>> No. 419672 Anonymous
18th August 2018
Saturday 8:13 pm
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Your mum is so ugly, she made One Direction go in the other direction
>> No. 419676 Anonymous
18th August 2018
Saturday 8:53 pm
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> your mum

>> No. 419691 Anonymous
19th August 2018
Sunday 5:25 pm
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Your mum is so fat Thanos had to snap twice.
>> No. 419698 Anonymous
20th August 2018
Monday 12:49 am
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Your mum is so fat, time slows down when you get near her.
>> No. 421059 Anonymous
5th October 2018
Friday 5:16 am
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I was at a meeting yesterday with someone called Peter Knight.
>> No. 421149 Anonymous
10th October 2018
Wednesday 8:44 pm
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I work with a French guy, often after hanging up on customers he quietly signs off with "off you fuck".
>> No. 421183 Anonymous
12th October 2018
Friday 7:33 pm
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I was at a company retreat once where somebody from another office introduced himself as Richard Ryder.

He insisted on being called Richard.
>> No. 422856 Anonymous
13th December 2018
Thursday 4:45 am
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I like the way the Cambridge Dictionary pronunciation people said "meh". They really put their hearts into it.

>> No. 422857 Anonymous
13th December 2018
Thursday 4:49 am
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Does the Collins one sigh into the mic after?

>> No. 422872 Anonymous
14th December 2018
Friday 2:21 am
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I prefer the Tucker classic 'Fuckity-bye'.
>> No. 432478 Anonymous
4th December 2019
Wednesday 10:12 am
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>> No. 432479 Anonymous
4th December 2019
Wednesday 10:21 am
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I also like how he actually answers the phone in one particular scene: "How may I be held responsible?"
>> No. 432480 Anonymous
4th December 2019
Wednesday 10:55 am
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Looks like someone else has been delving past page 3 for POTY, no?
>> No. 432484 Anonymous
4th December 2019
Wednesday 12:26 pm
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I'm going to betray my ignorance and admit that I have no idea what this is referring to.
>> No. 432537 Anonymous
5th December 2019
Thursday 3:33 pm
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Bit of a mix-up I think. The lad before you necroposted.
>> No. 432541 Anonymous
5th December 2019
Thursday 7:58 pm
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>> No. 432546 Anonymous
6th December 2019
Friday 1:03 pm
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How could this possibly seem like a good idea.

>> No. 432547 Anonymous
6th December 2019
Friday 1:17 pm
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There's always someone who has to be the first person to try out inventions like that.
>> No. 432548 Anonymous
6th December 2019
Friday 1:37 pm
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Yes, but there are ways of trying out inventions where certain death isn't as glaringly obvious.
>> No. 432551 Anonymous
6th December 2019
Friday 4:01 pm
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What a mong.
>> No. 432579 Anonymous
7th December 2019
Saturday 1:06 pm
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>> No. 432587 Anonymous
7th December 2019
Saturday 5:24 pm
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I've got far too much time today
>> No. 433388 Anonymous
3rd January 2020
Friday 8:52 pm
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There was a Tourette lad at the bus stop tonight. He kept shouting things like "Arsecunt!" or "Gay wankers!" and also had a tic where he was intermittently jerking up his left elbow while simultaneously shaking his head. His mate who was with him assured me that this was nothing to be alarmed about. I felt a bit bad for finding it slightly amusing.
>> No. 433428 Anonymous
4th January 2020
Saturday 5:09 pm
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You shouldn't. I'm an expert in Tourette's because I've watched sweet_anita on Twitch a few times and there's every chance he was just glad you didn't react angrily or aggressively. A bit of laughter never hurt anyone and it's certainly true that lots of sufferers can share with friends and strangers alike the hilarity of what their tics say.

And for anyone who doesn't consider Twitch beneath them, you should give Anita a whirl. Her tics can be amazingly funny and she's super wholesome with the mental heath podcast she does.
>> No. 433445 Anonymous
5th January 2020
Sunday 12:25 pm
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You kind of wonder how Tourette's was seen before there was all that neurological knowledge about the condition. Were people in the Middle Ages thought of as being possessed by the devil, and burned at the stake if they kept saying things like "Arsecunt, thou art"?

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