Obligatory.

http://www.ferryhalim.com/orisinal/g3/bells.htm

Fuckssake.

If anyone is playing alone with the Pogues Game, best of luck. We'll see who's left standing at midnight Christmas morning.

Not really much of an Andrew update this year. He seems to still be working on his augmented reality start-up.

https://twitter.com/andrewprojdent

>>432333 That time of year again

Ah, yes, time to warp back to the mid 90s web: www.arams.co.uk
No-one's died, no-one new's turned up, no-one's got foot & mouth.
Festive as fuck.

I resisted buying a tree today. Might try and style it out without one this year - tell the kids its not eco friendly or summat.

>>432356
I don't bother decorating. I live alone, and tend to have a lot to do through December, including spending around a week over Christmas itself with family elsewhere, so I'm not often home long enough to enjoy it.

>>432356
The best time of year to buy a tree is January when they're reduced, assuming we're on about artificial ones.

>>432349
How many animals do you have?

>>432359 just 6 reportable sheep. Some other animals, but they're 'pets' despite being massive, so don't need to update DEFRA about those.
And a dog, who really is a pet.

I spent years without decorating - really never felt the need. The Mrs likes shiny things, though, so we'll be stringing lights soon.

>>432360
What do you do with just six sheep?

>>432361
If you're into buggering sheep then six is the optimum number for cycling through them. You could try it with five but it's a bit risky as by the time you'd worked your way through to having the old in and out with the first sheep again it may not have fully recovered from your previous dalliance with it. Nobody wants the guilt of buggering a sheep to death on their conscience. You could try it with seven sheep, one for every day of the week, but if you aren't buggering them frequently enough then, unless you're particularly well endowed, you'll have to go through the whole rigmarole of breaking them in again and training the sheep to be able to take your re-entry. If you want to be a responsible sheep buggerer then you want a harem of six.

>>432361 They keep the grass down a bit, and they're just really nice pets. Very much underrated, imho.
There's no temptation at all to bugger them, the back end of a sheep is no place to be fantasising. Nasty.

PC gone mad.

>>432371
More like PCs gone mad amirite?

>>432372
Well, they're not exactly wrong.

>>432364 Do you shave them yourself or get someone in to do it for you?

>>432374

Sheer, mate. We say sheer for sheep. He's not doing their bikini line. As far as I know.

>>432375

Realised it was "shear" 0.3 seconds after clicking submit, so now who's the idiot?

I am humbled.

>>432371

They need one that just says "don't get raped"

>>432377

>>432377
I think we've reached the point where you can't say anything beyond "rape is bad" without someone accusing you of victim blaming.

Trying to think of a present for my mum. She always says, "Oh, you don't have to get me anything, dear", but I imagine she would be disappointed if I really didn't. So as every year, I'm now looking online at kitchen appliances and implements here, or a nice bath salt or a scarf or whatever, but I just haven't had any really brilliant ideas so far.

>>432393
Posh soaps or some overpriced Cath Kidston tat.

>>432393
I've got my mum walking gear and a couple of little bits. I've got my dad Gary Lineker's new book and chocolate. Try and find out what perfume she uses.

I've only got secret Santa and a card for my girlfriend left to get this year. So far I haven't had to go into a physical shop to buy anything.

>>432398
I've heard it's a cracker.

I'm looking forward to my first christmas with nephews. I'm really glad to have new people in my life.

I've made a resolution to lose at least 20 lbs by next spring. I weigh 16 st now, and although I'm 6'1, I've developed kind of a gut around my waist whcih I want gone. So I've decided to avoid all the cakes, sweets, and other high-calorie foods that are still to come over the holidays. I'll also start going to the gym again probably tonight, I haven't been to the gym in over eight months although I keep paying £25 a month for it.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Qx_N8MYhLuM

WHAT'S TATERS, PRECIOUS?

WHAT'S TATERS, EH?

https://www.mirror.co.uk/news/weird-news/schoolgirl-shocked-discover-bm-advent-13762928

>>432549
Don't get what you're doing here? Are you trying to say she looks like Gollum? She looks nothing like Gollum. In fact I'd call her a 7/10.

>>432556
TATERS.

>>432557

Good on you, teenlad.

Now go out again and knifemug people.

>>432559

You seem surprised that someone on britfa.gs would be posting about the tits of a mum in a newspaper. Welcome to the website and please enjoy your stay.

>>432560

> tits of a mum


>https://www.mirror.co.uk/3am/celebrity-news/katie-prices-gigantic-boobs-threaten-13115263

>>432561
I've never got the appeal of Jordan; she's an absolute train wreck. I say that as someone who isn't averse to a woman who is trashy.

>>432562

>she's an absolute train wreck

That's the appeal.

I don't want to marry her, just have the best, most manic blowjob possible.

>>432563

> just have the best, most manic blowjob possible

Being a trainwreck AND giving piss poor blowjobs would indeed be a negative.

>>432564
Better known as the Tulisa sex tape, if you can call an awful blowjob a sex tape.

>>432565

I wouldn't have minded shagging her silly when she was proper fit ten years ago.

All that botox these days has made her look like one of those realistic sex dolls.

>>432566

>All that botox these days has made her look like one of those realistic sex dolls.

You say that like it's a bad thing.

I haven't heard The Pogues once this month and I have the radio on a fair bit. According to my girlfriend radio stations have stopped playing it because of the 'reconstituted pork product in gravy' lyric but that sounds like an urban legend to me.

What do you reckon I should get a lass I've been seeing for 5 months? I thought I was going to get away with a cheap Christmas this year but she surprised me with an expensive jumper the other day.

Favourite colours green, bit of a green thumb, arty but likes all that posh Downton Abbey stuff.

>>432571
Apparently it's just one BBC DJ that has banned it:
https://metro.co.uk/2019/12/03/bbc-radio-presenter-bans-nasty-fairytale-new-york-no-longer-comfortable-playing-pogues-christmas-song-11262796/

Then again it's bound to be memory holed sooner or later.

>>432572
Get down the garden centre, buy a couple of succulents (one big, one or two small), a nice pot large enough for them, some succulent potting compost and some nice pebbles. You can either put them together as a "hand-made" gift for her or present them to her as a kit. Shouldn't set you back more than £30, tops.

>>432572
Homemade chocolate truffles. All you need to do is melt dark chocolate with cream and butter. Put them in a fancy box and flavour them with some of her favourite alcohol, prosecco or some type of novelty gin knowing women, and she will be foaming at the gash.

>>432572

>I thought I was going to get away with a cheap Christmas this year but she surprised me with an expensive jumper the other day.


Been there. Except we had only been dating for two months before Christmas, and we didn't really talk at all about how much we were going to spend on Christmas presents for each other. I felt that 30 quid was reasonable, given the relatively short time that we had been dating, for which I got her an art calendar and some trinkets, but she went out and bought me a fucking Swatch Irony watch with all the trimmings. Kind of really embarrassing, especially considering that she was still in vocational training and really didn't normally have much money to spend. I tried to make it up to her by taking her out for dinner and to see a movie or two, but I felt like there was an unspoken understanding that the damage was done.

We broke up two months after Christmas, not solely because of poor communication on our Christmas presents, but because we were just not compatible. It was fun while it lasted though. At least I got a few months of world-class shagging and an £80 watch out of it.

>>432571
Make it to Christmas without hearing it and you win a prize. True story.

>>432571

It was on at least twice today, but maybe that's because it's a weekend so they assume the radio doesn't need to be work safe. I nearly broke the radio the other day when Mariah Carey came on and now all my colleagues think im some sort of wierdo.

The part that annoys me is that as an ex-retail employee, I think I should have some sort of right to protection from Christmas songs. But these cunts are all judt behaving as if I'm the Grinch. I mean, you wouldn't go forcing a Falklands veteran to watch footage of ships on fire would you.

>>432598
I think the worst thing about Christmas songs is they play a small handful over and over. Run, Run, Rudolph by Chuck Berry is one of the best Christmas songs but I can't recall hearing it outside of Home Alone.

>>432598
>I nearly broke the radio the other day when Mariah Carey came on and now all my colleagues think im some sort of wierdo.

Bring a gun in and call it self-defence if the police manage to take you alive. She's on the fucking Walkers crisps now, why?!

>>432599
>Run, Run, Rudolph by Chuck Berry
Is that the one that goes
>Run, Rudolph, run, Rudolph
>run, run, run
>Here comes Santa with his gun, gun gun
?

>>432612

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=l849CulLhGQ

>>432571
>>432598
>A reconstituted pork product in gravy is a bundle of wood used to fuel a fire.
>Throwing people on 'with the rest of the reconstituted pork product in gravys' simply means they're undesirable, only fit to burn.

Considering The Pogues lyric, isn't an attack on sexuality. It's simply saying he's a scumbag, a maggot, a cheap lousy reconstituted pork product in gravy (implying he couldn't even be used to fuel a fire). I mean, could you be a really good, valuable reconstituted pork product in gravy?

Is the word reconstituted pork product in gravy really, from a historical point of view atleast, a derogatory term for homosexuals? I guess it depends on whether only homosexuals were thrown onto the fire under such mantle, or if it was deviants of all kinds.

I'd put this in the trans thread but it doesn't seem relevant to /news/.

/autism

>>432614

>from a historical point of view atleast, a derogatory term for homosexuals?

Yes. Historically, ie a hundred or two years ago, perhaps it didn't mean gay, but it definitely did when the song was written, and it's not like the song is set in the 1800s or whatever.

I don't think the song should be banned (just fucking bleep the word if you have to do anything) at all, but arguing that the word just means firewood is utterly mental.

I hate that Pogues song, keep your misanthropic loathing out of my Christmas time.

>>432619
Next you'll be saying Die Hard isn't your favourite crimbo film.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=A1X3d2zWx94

I've been to my daughter's nativity this morning. I think there should be a rule that fat people shouldn't be allowed to sit in the front row because they block too much of the view.

In other news, it's bin day so now that they've been emptied the wind has blown a few of them down the street.

>>432670
>I think there should be a rule that fat people shouldn't be allowed to sit in the front row because they block too much of the view.
Were you lying down or somthing?

>>432619
>I hate that Pogues song
>keep your misanthropic loathing out of my Christmas time
>I hate
>keep loathing out of Christmas
>hate
>loathing

(A good day to you Sir!)

>>432671
A fat person sat down is at least double the bulk of a normal person sat down.

>>432673
You should still be able to see over their shoulders, pipsqueak!

>>432674
Fat women always have humongous shoulders and upper arms.

>>432676

She's still only about five and half foot tall. Have you tried not being a midget?

>>432676

What I've always found odd is that you seem to see a lot of quite obese women paired with a stick figure of a lad. One of my former coworkers was maybe not exactly the size of the woman in that picture, but then again, not really lighter by many orders of magnitude. And her husband was barely 5'5'' and looked like he was short of 9 st in weight. His arm and upper body muscle was that of a 14-year-old. If I was a lad of that stature, I would honestly be worried that a woman like that would flat-out squash me or snap me in half like a dry twig.

>>432679
When I was very skinny, about 5'11" and little over 10 stone, I used to have shitloads of fat lasses after me because I'm fairly quiet. I believe they target us because they think we've got low self-esteem and the corresponding low standards; I'm fairly certain with some lads they simply end up being bossed into a relationship. It wouldn't surprise me if some meek skinny lads also see a fat lass as a comfort blanket.

>>432679

>I would honestly be worried that a woman like that would flat-out squash me or snap me in half like a dry twig.

And that thought doesn't give you at least a semi? You average-sized blokes who like average-sized women are bloody weirdos.

In all seriousness, I just think that being small and skinny forces you to be more open-minded about gender roles. For average-sized blokes, it's just an unquestioned truth that they're big and strong and women are little and delicate. They live in a world where women are smaller than them by default; very tall or very fat women are automatically "wrong", or at least "not normal".

Most women are at least as big as me, so the idea of being the big masculine bloke with a petite little lady doesn't really enter the picture. When you've accepted that, you have access to a whole range of erotic possibilities. If most or all of your partners have been bigger than you, what difference does it make if the next one is much, much bigger? Why can't a man be the little spoon?

I think you see something similar with very tall women - most women prefer a taller partner, but if that's rarely an option then it doesn't really matter how much shorter your partner is. It's not really a case of settling for second-best, but realising that there are a wider range of options when you look beyond the narrow range of "normal".

>>432682

> You otherlads don't know what you're missing by not shagging fatlasses

>>432686

Yeah, basically.

>>432686

While my 'type' is slim blonde with big tits, I can't deny that some of the best shagging I've ever done has been with larger lasses. The massive ones are too much work, but the bigger ones that are just a couple of stone heavier than where they're 'supposed' to be just know how to have fun, don't really consider the usual hangups a model-fit lass will have, and have just the right amount of self esteem to both want to please you but also not spend fifteen hours a day staring at themselves in the mirror.

Try getting an instagram model with washboard abs to give you a proper blowjob, let alone anything truly subversive or filthy. It's just not going to happen. But a fat lass is up for owt.

For balance my missus isn't fat but she thinks she's fat, so I get the best of both worlds.

>>432688

If a woman doesn't have an appetite for cake, don't expect her to have an appetite for cock.

>>432688

> instagram model with washboard abs to give you a proper blowjob

Aren't gymlasses all about "lean protein"?



I'll get my coat.


>let alone anything truly subversive or filthy

I don't know. The psycho lass I just mentioned in the dreams thread was proper fit. Not gymlass fit, but definitely 7.5/10. And she was really kind of f'ed up in the head and had kind of a dominance thing going on, among other things. Things like stopping mid-handjob, just short of the point of no return, and telling me that if I wanted her to continue, I had to beg for it. And getting a kick out of having that kind of control over me, also on other occasions.

>>432690

>The psycho lass

That's a different story. We all know mental slags are the best shags.

>>432690

>also on other occasions

Tell us more.

I've spent all morning expecting a parcel delivery but I've just noticed that the tracking says it will be delivered between 9am and lunchtime tomorrow. Bloody Royal Mail being too efficient.

>>432696

>Tell us more.

I'm not going to tell you all the details. But she just had a way of getting her own sexual pleasure from the fact that she was able to have power over my sexuality and my knob. I'm not kidding when I say she had psychopathic traits. She was very manipulative, and especially in the bedroom.

>>432699

Do you still have her number? She sounds ideal.

>>432701

I wouldn't give her number to my worst enemy.

Some of the best sex I had in my entire life, but the downside to dating a confirmed psychopath is that they will eventually get bored with you if they predictably always get what they want, and move on. It's a wild ride if you're on the receiving end, and not always in a bad way. But all things considered, it can be quite stressful, and in the long run, I think you're always much better off with a regular, non-psycho person as your partner. Except if you're a psycho yourself and know how to turn things around on them.

>>432703

>Some of the best sex I had in my entire life, but the downside to dating a confirmed psychopath is that they will eventually get bored with you if they predictably always get what they want, and move on.

That's fine by me, I'm a realist. Even better if I can expect her to leave eventually, then I won't be surprised when she does.

>Except if you're a psycho yourself and know how to turn things around on them.

I'm at least mostly a sociopath, I think we'd be a good match.

>>432703

Nearly all my partners have been like this. If you're into kink, capable of being a genuine switch, and suffer from any kind of equivalent depression/anxiety/etc to theirs, you'll be in for a volatile but thrilling relationship.

Nevertheless I've mellowed in age and settled for a girl who isn't a complete dickhead, but it has come at the expense of exciting sex. She's still into kink, but she doesn't like to be spanked, pegs me very gently, and no matter how I try I can't get her to squeeze my bollocks hard enough to hurt. It's no fun when you have to spell out exactly what you want.

>>432707

I'm very much the same as you, though I wouldn't say I've mellowed in age, more just found someone who was a complete dickhead and has calmed down since then, but retained her tastes sexually. I've known her since school, we've always been close, and have had plenty of terrifying and exciting encounters over the years, but years later after we both grew up and could afford therapy, we reconnected and that was that. Anyway, the story doesn't matter, just that I've found someone who has managed to fight the demons but still retain the batshit appetite for sex. The best one was when she got me to do Richard Speck roleplay. She's a nurse.

These were a disappointment.

How many times are they going to show Love Actually on TV? ITV has it on for the second time in less than three days.

It's NOT a particularly good Christmas movie, and everybody needs to stop pretending that it is. It does not deserve the kind of classic status that it apparently enjoys nowadays.

>>432743
When you get the rights, you get a number of repeat showings. ITV evidently keen to burn through them like nobody's business.

Christ alive.

https://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-7791851/ho-ho-ho-Christmas-slags.html

>>432746

The girl on the left is an ironclad WOULD and anyone who disagrees is a closet bender.

>>432751
I bet her clopper tastes like a Pot Noodle.

>>432746
I feel as though the larger lady is trying to compensate for her size by baring her body. She's not unatractive, but her dress makes her near repulsive. What to suggest as an alternative i don't know, but like this she's mis-representing her beauty. I'm sorry to say. Is this patronising?

>>432751
m8 she's got a fucking rope hanging out of her fanny, must be some industrial size tampons engineered for the widest of gaping chuffs.

>>432751
I prefer the taller one on the right to be honest - it'd be a tremendous shag, but she probably wouldn't leave the next day.

I've got myself roped into a gift-exchange with a girl I don't know at all. We've set a soft price range of £10 but I've thought I had better make it dead nice as she's spending Christmas alone.

Any suggestions? I thought a bottle of red might be seen as poor form.

>>432746
I'm not going to lie to you, I'd fuck the one in the red and probably come back for more.

Bit of a shit selection of pictures overall. I expected better from the Daily Mail but, most of all, I expected better from Leeds.

>>432752

You say that like it's a bad thing.

>>432754

If I had legs like those, I'd get 'em out at any opportunity.

>>432756

Only if she's got a penis.

>>432757

Some of the better secret santa stuff I have seen this year:

Selection box, mini prosecco and a face mask or two
Fancy sweets/chocolates and some fun games/magic tricks
Self care kit (e.g. bath bombs etc).

>>432754
In my experience when the larger lady dresses like this it's because:-

1. They're letting lads know they're easy.

2. They deluding themselves about their dress size. They'd rather wear a size 14 that is far too tight and makes them look like a sack of potatoes than wear a size 16 that fits them better.

>>432759
For secret santa this year I've bought a pussay patrol t-shirt. It's very apt for the recipient.

>>432761

Why is it apt? Has he just come out of an eight year long coma?

>>432757

>I expected better from Leeds.

That's what I was thinking too. These paps need to be told to stalk the gay quarter and Call Lane. That's where all the good clunge is.

>>432771

My Leeds prices -

Mild argument: £5
Shuffle/nudge/spilled drink: £5
Declaration of fight:: £50 inside £100 outside
Sex with your munter GF: see above, plus we do it in a toilet with a blackie £500

>>432777

Leeds is the only place otherlad has been where prostitutes slide their cards under hotel doors.

>>432779

At least the ghost of Peter Sutcliffe can find release and head to the light after Friday, realising he's the 2nd to last in a list of religious party killers.

Right on BBC

sniff

I had my work's Christmas party last night. I ended up leaving a bit early because it was pretty boring.

I've found an original vinyl pressing of the 12'' maxi version of Do They Know It's Christmas from 1984 in my parents' basement. Near-enough mint condition, very little wear, sleeve looks good as new. Is that kind of thing worth something?


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Zc8TYsYb5i0

>>432781

>I ended up leaving a bit early because it was pretty boring

I've always hated company Christmas parties. Most of the time, I hated being at my place of work every day in the first place, so getting all chummy with my coworkers at a Christmas party was not something that ever seemed very desirable to me.

One good thing about being self employed. No coworkers, no cunts you have to be friendly with at a company Christmas party.

>>432786
I quite like a fair few of my colleagues and around a dozen of us went around to someone's house for pre-drinks, which was fun. However, the party itself was shite. My idea of fun isn't being in a large conference/events room with several over companies having their own Christmas do, with a seating plan meaning you have to make small talk with people you don't really care about and after the meal the music is so loud that you can only have a conversation with one or two people rather than a group; whilst this is all happening the dance floor is rammed with desperate women in their forties and fifties wearing glittery dresses because they've put ABBA on.

I honestly don't think I'd mind being self employed. I don't really like working for other people.

>>432787

>I honestly don't think I'd mind being self employed. I don't really like working for other people.

It has its pros and cons. You have no boss to suck up to, and you fully decide which direction your business should go. On the other hand, your turnover and profits, and therefore your income as such depend entirely on your initiative. If you don't attract customers or clients, nobody will. If you work somewhere as an employee, you can get away with bumbling about and not pulling your weight for some time. But if you do that when you're self employed, you will simply not generate income for yourself.

The big plus for me when I was considering becoming self employed was that I get to make my own decisions. No chains of command, no office politics, no quarterly reviews. And right now, as my business has just started, a typical workday begins with me going down the stairs into my basement in my jammies and checking my e-mail while having a coffee with my legs on the table. And then spending an hour or two thinking about my strategy in acquiring clients and scribbling thoughts on a notepad. Or indeed being on the phone trying to convince people to sell their house through me.

Being self employed requires the ability to literally fend for yourself and take initiative. If you're not that kind of person and you value a steady and predictable monthly income over personal economic freedom, then you're better off sticking to being an employee somewhere.

Haven't started any of the shopping yet, but did go and buy a really nice tree yesterday.

I am completely stumped at what to buy people this year.