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>> No. 435367 Anonymous
16th March 2020
Monday 8:52 pm
435367 LADS
I've suddenly got two weeks off work, fucking class, and I was wondering what you two were doing and how we should celebrate? I'm not leaving the house.

That other fucking thread is miserable, and full of lies. If the virus is going to take us, we might as well go down ranting, happily.

What are you doing with your recently found time off?
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>> No. 435836 Anonymous
1st April 2020
Wednesday 6:52 pm
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>>435815

If I tried to have sex with her my flab would pour into her six-pack like SARAH MILLICAN'S SQUELCHY FANNY CUSTARD into a waffle maker.
>> No. 435838 Anonymous
1st April 2020
Wednesday 6:58 pm
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>>435836

I'm in the best shape of my life yet I'm still entirely certain shagging her would kill me. It'd be like fucking a fleshlight strapped to a pneumatic drill.
>> No. 435839 Anonymous
1st April 2020
Wednesday 7:08 pm
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>>435838

I have a fear bordering on phobia that big bottomed girls will snap off my knob when they are sitting on top of me. The last few women I have been with were more the lean type, but there was one a few years ago that had kind of a big arse, and although she really enjoyed riding me, I could never quite eliminate the thought in the back of my head that one false move by her could have ended in disaster.
>> No. 435840 Anonymous
1st April 2020
Wednesday 7:17 pm
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>>435839

I wonder if birds have a similar phobia that the lad's knob will slip out and go right up her chocolate bon bon factory as she sits back down. I've achieved this once or twice with careful hip tilting, but then I'm a total cunt.
>> No. 435845 Anonymous
1st April 2020
Wednesday 7:49 pm
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>>435840

Most of the women I have been with didn't care much for the idea of anal (neither do I, for that matter), if we even talked about it, but I wouldn't say they were phobic about it. One lass said that she wasn't against the idea in general, but that she just didn't see the point of anal sex, when it feels so much more exciting to have a knob inside you in the front as a woman. And I kind of agree that I can't imagine anal feeling as good as vaginal sex, as a guy.

I was with one lass though who was kind of a wrongun. Right the first time we were naked in bed together, she started moving her index finger down my sac and towards my back passage. If I hadn't said, "Please don't do that!", she probably would have given me a proper arse fingering. She actually said, "Hm. Some guys like it". She tried a few more times on other occasions, but then eventually gave up.
>> No. 435848 Anonymous
1st April 2020
Wednesday 7:52 pm
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>>435845

It wasn't really the idea of anal I was considering, more the sudden unexpected and barely lubed rear entry.
>> No. 435850 Anonymous
1st April 2020
Wednesday 7:58 pm
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>>435845
Well I'd rather a dick in my arse than in my dick hole and I feel like I'm more of an authority on the matter than you are to describe how your imaginary vag feels.
>> No. 435853 Anonymous
1st April 2020
Wednesday 8:11 pm
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>>435848

Oh, that actually happened to me once. I slipped and was maybe half an inch up her bum, i.e. just barely. She started laughing and said, "Pay attention here, that's the wrong one!". Didn't really seem to startle her though, she thought it was just funny.
>> No. 435857 Anonymous
1st April 2020
Wednesday 8:18 pm
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>>435845
>I was with one lass though who was kind of a wrongun. Right the first time we were naked in bed together, she started moving her index finger down my sac and towards my back passage. If I hadn't said, "Please don't do that!", she probably would have given me a proper arse fingering. She actually said, "Hm. Some guys like it". She tried a few more times on other occasions, but then eventually gave up.

I work with a lass and every single guy she's slept with, I think she was up to 86 at the last count, she's tried putting a finger up their bum. It's her thing. I know she's pegged a few.
>> No. 435859 Anonymous
1st April 2020
Wednesday 8:25 pm
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>>435857

Maybe I've shagged your coworker then.

The world's a small place, you know.
>> No. 435861 Anonymous
1st April 2020
Wednesday 8:27 pm
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>>435859

Sounds like I have, too, or there's just more like that than we think.
>> No. 435863 Anonymous
1st April 2020
Wednesday 8:38 pm
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Honestly I find it shocking how few blokes will let a woman do anything to their arse. Give it a try lads, once you're over the "ooh, it feels like I need a poo" phase it's really very pleasant and intensifies your orgasms a great deal. When they call the prostate the male g-spot they're not joking.

If I was a bird and the bloke I was shagging was afraid of having his arse fingered, or showed that typical macho "Oi, I don't do that!" reaction to it, he'd considerably drop in my estimations. I've had girlfriends who love anal because of just how naughty/degrading/etc it is, not because of physical pleasure and I've had lasses who will full on squirt if you give their arsehole a finger-ramming. It can still be exceptionally pleasurable for a woman, you may not realise it but you can still stimulate their g-spot with an appropriate angle through the vaginal wall. They're barely an inch apart after all.

Life is too short to be a boring shag, lads. The vast majority of women are bigger slags than you think, and they just don't let on if they can tell you're a bland cunt.
>> No. 435865 Anonymous
1st April 2020
Wednesday 8:40 pm
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>>435863
Most men are mincing faggots. It's kind of sad.
>> No. 435868 Anonymous
1st April 2020
Wednesday 9:05 pm
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>>435863


What is wrong with simply not wanting a finger up your arse. And not because you're conflicted about your sexuality and worry that admitting to getting pleasure from it exposes you as a closet poof who'd really rather have strapping gaylads love and cherishing up his backdoor all day. But because it is just something that you either don't fancy, or simply feels a tad uncomfortable to you.
>> No. 435869 Anonymous
1st April 2020
Wednesday 9:05 pm
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>>435863
A finger up the bum is just weird. I've taken a fair few bummings in my time but there's something a bit bizarre about a finger up there.
>> No. 435870 Anonymous
1st April 2020
Wednesday 9:09 pm
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>>435868

>love and cherish

HA. That's a word filter I genuinely didn't know.

Bit tame though. How about "CREAMY WHITE FINISHING SAUCE" or something. And yes, that exists.

https://www.masterfoods.com.au/our-range/sauces-mustards-gravies/finishing-sauces-and-gravy/creamy-white-finishing-sauce/
>> No. 435871 Anonymous
1st April 2020
Wednesday 9:11 pm
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>>435869

Nothing wrong with a fingertip to loosen up, unless you've got an arsehole like a broken cat flap.
>> No. 435872 Anonymous
1st April 2020
Wednesday 9:26 pm
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>>435868

There's nothing wrong with not liking it, but I think it's a bit like people who say they don't like spicy food. Most of the time they haven't tried it and don't know what they're missing, but they're usually quite conspicuously defensive about it.

I'm not saying that applies to you, but you know. There's a certain type who would take this post I'm writing right now as a veiled assault on their masculinity and respond by saying I'm the wierdo/poofter for liking the thing they don't.

I do think women tend to like a more sexually adventurous man more, that said.
>> No. 435873 Anonymous
1st April 2020
Wednesday 9:33 pm
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I just find it awkward the angle she has to reach around while you're still trying to be doing things and then there's the poop smell and post-coital dirty finger. If she wants to stimulate my prostate she can buy me a buttplug, otherwise it's just too much hassle.
>> No. 435875 Anonymous
1st April 2020
Wednesday 9:56 pm
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>>435873

Aneros Progasm Jr. Treat yourself. I accept no responsibility for spunk stains on your ceiling.
>> No. 435876 Anonymous
1st April 2020
Wednesday 9:57 pm
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I like it up the arse but in the real world, it's a bit too much of a faff. If you really wanted a protate orgasm out of it you have to plan for it, poo wise. And nothing ruins the spontaneous of a randy finger up the arse than having douched for it 45 minutes earlier, and the alternative (no prep and hoping for the best) is no better. For me it only works in the context of a BDSM relationship where this sort of thing is part of the foreplay, or even the lifestyle in extreme cases.

Like otherlad I do tend not to be sceptical of blokes who say "I just don't like it" because that's like a woman saying she doesn't like clitoral stimulation - undoubtedly true for some, but a vanishing few.

I'M NOT GAY THOUGH HONEST
>> No. 435877 Anonymous
1st April 2020
Wednesday 9:58 pm
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>>435875
$49.95? Put that much in the bitcoin wallet and I'll find somewhere it's not sold out.
>> No. 435879 Anonymous
1st April 2020
Wednesday 10:11 pm
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>>435877

If that's actually a genuine britfa donations wallet and not some kind of April fools joke where I'm dropping btc into the wallet of some ransomware crime gang / cyber pedo then I will. Because you mods deserve a pain in the arse that isn't your user-base.
>> No. 435880 Anonymous
1st April 2020
Wednesday 10:14 pm
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>>435879
I said nothing about sharing my ill-gotten donations with the lads and I'm fully stocked on things to shove up my arse. You can buy deleted word filters though. Take your pick.
>> No. 435881 Anonymous
1st April 2020
Wednesday 10:17 pm
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>>435879

It's a mod but apparently he's being territorial about it. Frankly I'd spend any money donated on food, myself.
>> No. 435883 Anonymous
1st April 2020
Wednesday 10:19 pm
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>>435873
>>435876

You mean you don't already have a collection of buttplugs with various fluffy tails attached to share with a woman when you get her back to your shed?

Also this is why BDSM people have very good digestive health. Eating a high fibre diet isn't just good for you, it's a matter of good manners when you're with somebody who might want to shove something up your arse at a moments notice.
>> No. 435884 Anonymous
1st April 2020
Wednesday 10:26 pm
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>>435883

I tried to buy a Bad Dragon mug once but cancelled it when I realised it was almost $50 for shipping.
>> No. 435885 Anonymous
1st April 2020
Wednesday 10:33 pm
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>>435883
Don't mind a bit of anal debauchery but sex people are still disgusting.
>> No. 435886 Anonymous
1st April 2020
Wednesday 10:41 pm
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>>435876
>it's a bit too much of a faff

This is my thought exactly - I'm much too lazy to be faffing about with bums. It's all about missionary on a Sunday afternoon while a repeat of an inoffensive comedy plays in the background. Followed by a lovely cup of tea.
>> No. 435887 Anonymous
1st April 2020
Wednesday 11:53 pm
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>> No. 435888 Anonymous
2nd April 2020
Thursday 1:34 am
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>>435886

>missionary

You fucking sicko, we don't allow that kind of thing around here. Reported.
>> No. 435890 Anonymous
2nd April 2020
Thursday 11:18 am
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>>435883

>Eating a high fibre diet isn't just good for you, it's a matter of good manners when you're with somebody who might want to shove something up your arse at a moments notice

I think I happened upon a fetish web site once where they had that kind of detailed information, on what to eat if you were into a bit of poo play.

Just never seemed appealing to me, all that sort of thing.
>> No. 435891 Anonymous
2nd April 2020
Thursday 11:59 am
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>>435890
For me there's a switch in my brain, and it's very powerful, the moment there's any shit anywhere near me I'm done with any sex or arousal. I'll never do anal with a burd despite it being a bit of a fantasy, because if you do anal you have to get used to a bit of shit and a smell, even if they've has properly cleaned down there.
>> No. 435892 Anonymous
2nd April 2020
Thursday 12:15 pm
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>>435890
As someone with bad guts this stuff seems the biggest drawback of being gay for me.

>No coffee for me this morning - I'm getting bummed tonight
>I'd better not have any of that chilli, just changed the sheets

Appreciate that you probably end up only doing the bumming once a week out of obligation but if I ever get confused I'm finding a nice Asian sissy-boy to plough.
>> No. 435893 Anonymous
2nd April 2020
Thursday 12:45 pm
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>>435892

>No coffee for me this morning - I'm getting bummed tonight


Unlikely things to hear at breakfast.
>> No. 435894 Anonymous
2nd April 2020
Thursday 1:13 pm
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>>435891

This is what I meant by the spicy food analogy. If you've never tried anal how do you know there's shit and shit stank involved? I can see why you'd assume that, but it's not actually the case.

The reality is you don't need to douche or anything. Just make sure they'vve had a shower in the past couple of hours and don't immediately need to shit. As long as you've got a good clean shitting habit, poo does not live in your rectum. That's simply not how the body works. That and the fact you want to lube up for anal.

Providing your partner has healthy digestion, your cock will come out clean as a whistle.
>> No. 435895 Anonymous
2nd April 2020
Thursday 1:25 pm
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I've been bummed loads of times, never done any special any the the other person has never had shit on their dick.

I've done a fair bit of bumming, never done any special preparation and the only time I've had shit on my dick was when I convinced her to let me visit the chocolate bonbon a few hours after her diarrhea had cleared up; it turns out that a good old spunk up the arse can trigger that off again.
>> No. 435896 Anonymous
2nd April 2020
Thursday 1:50 pm
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Wait till you get to jail lads. Your 'prison pocket' will be the best thing you'll ever own in the chokey.
>> No. 435897 Anonymous
2nd April 2020
Thursday 3:13 pm
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>>435896
How true is that? I know rape in UK prisons isn't much of a thing, but do flamers enjoy privileges others don't? Like can you use your arse to secure protection from some tough lads?
>> No. 435898 Anonymous
2nd April 2020
Thursday 3:15 pm
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>>435896

>Wait till you get to jail lads

I am not sure I've ever considered a criminal career that would put me in that situation.
>> No. 435899 Anonymous
2nd April 2020
Thursday 3:18 pm
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>>435898
You don't have to engage in a criminal career. You can do something once and purposely get caught if you like.
>> No. 435900 Anonymous
2nd April 2020
Thursday 3:30 pm
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>>435897

No m8.

Smuggling.
>> No. 435901 Anonymous
2nd April 2020
Thursday 3:32 pm
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>>435900
>> No. 435902 Anonymous
2nd April 2020
Thursday 3:47 pm
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>>435901

These things facinate me, there's a healthy market for them, and you can find them for searching for things like "HMP phone" on Amazon, even though the sellers aren't allowed to use that phrase anymore. A lot of them have interesting features advertised front and centre, like that they have voice changing software or can be charged via a 9v battery.

Their days are numbered, however, with increasingly sophisticated (or just increasingly invasive) body scanners. I think they just straight up X-ray your torso now.
>> No. 435903 Anonymous
2nd April 2020
Thursday 3:57 pm
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>>435901
That got me looking for small phones on ebay, I didn't realise they were that tiny, could be useful to have one to chuck in a bag as a backup.

Love this mockup.
>> No. 435904 Anonymous
2nd April 2020
Thursday 4:00 pm
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>>435900
Ah, boring. I have no use for a dumb phone and I'm not interested in selling anything to other inmates.
>> No. 435905 Anonymous
2nd April 2020
Thursday 4:09 pm
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>>435904

When you're inside, you will suddenly wish you had taken an interest in those things. This kind of thing is what separates the prison peasantry from the prison middle and upper classes.

Contact with the outside is vital to maintain your sanity, and if you're in for any decent length of time you're definitely going to want something to give you bargaining power with other inmates. If you go to prison expecting to just get your head down and do your time, you're going to find it very rough indeed.
>> No. 435906 Anonymous
2nd April 2020
Thursday 4:49 pm
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>>435904

They do sell tiny smartphones, too. They're a bit bigger but nothing you couldn't get up there with perseverance.
>> No. 435907 Anonymous
2nd April 2020
Thursday 5:01 pm
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>>435906
I'd be more worried about getting it back out and the x-ray machine. I think I'm going to stay on the outside if it's alright with you.
>> No. 435911 Anonymous
2nd April 2020
Thursday 5:35 pm
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>>435904

There has been a Kickstarter project to design the world's smallest smartphone:

https://www.kickstarter.com/projects/jellyphone/atom-world-s-smallest-4g-rugged-smartphone?lang=en

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