|>>|| No. 31601
I thought rather than keeping derailing the mid week thread I would go with my own.
I don’t really know where to begin, so I’ll start with what I posted the other day. My current relationship is pretty great, except I feel my girlfriend is pretty indifferent about sex. She enjoys it, she says, and I make sure she gets off. That said, I think she just isn’t sexual like I am. Sex can feel very mechanic and follows a very similar structure a lot of the time, she’s not the kind of girl that would just grab my parts casually, or engage in sexy talk in the build up.
I’ve talked to her about this in the past and she has gone nuclear every time. I first tried over some dinner one day by saying I felt a bit frustrated and like we weren’t quite connected sexually and she cried, stormed out and said we were breaking up which was bizarre. I’ve brought it up maybe two or three more times and the reactions have been similar, with her saying she just won’t initiate but she’s definitely sexual. A few weeks ago a little drunk at the place we live she basically was a bit sexy for what felt like possibly the first time ever, being seductive whilst dressed up nice, dancing and grinding. When I made a move she rejected me and said it ‘didn’t have to be about sex’. I said she obviously doesn’t have to have sex with me but a night of drinking, grinding on me, exposing bits of herself and other stuff did make me feel I was being given some signals. I explained I just find it strange she wouldn’t perceive the possibility I might get an idea about where the night was going. She called me, drunkenly, some hurtful things and said she just isn’t going to initiate and she has a good job so I should be grateful and if I don’t like her not discussing these things I should leave.
This felt to me a bit like weapons grade cringe even if a bit drunk. I find her successful career appealing but I couldn’t give a fuck whether she worked in my local shop or was a Facebook exec as long as I loved her and she was right for me. I couldn’t get the comments out of my head and that’s when I had a conversation a little while ago telling her I think I’m unhappy and I’m thinking about leaving and she cried. I sometimes don’t feel this at all, sometimes quite noticeably. She said it was because of a million reasons and none of which made sense before saying I see her as an English rose but she is actually a sexual person, I just need to ask for what I want. The problem is I don’t even know where to begin. I’ve never had to explain to a girlfriend before what is sexy and what is not, or that I would like oral, or how to give me a handjob. They just got these things and we discussed preferences, but broadly had an idea of what was going on once we got going.
Rewinding a bit -just before we got together a few years ago I had been unceremoniously dumped by somebody who I had no business being upset about. Even more bizarrely I decided to peruse a breakup subreddit so I felt less alone about it to indulge in common experiences and I met a girl randomly through a chat on reddit because she posted a very emotional message that nobody read and I wanted to reach out to her because I felt so sorry for her that nobody read her message. I made an account to wish her well and tell her things would get better. We progressed to talking on Reddit and I ended up being linked to this Instagram page of this girl. I assumed it was a catfish because this girl, who lived some way across the world away, was stunning. This progressed to messaging, calls, video calls and contrary to the risk averse over thinker that is me, I said fuck it, and agreed to meet her somewhere in Europe for a holiday. I told nobody about this because I felt a bit strange that I was meeting somebody I’d only ever met online and started to develop some sort of feelings.
I arrived in an AirBnB in a beautiful European city, waiting for her to arrive from her part of the world the day after. I remember getting to the airport and staring at the arrivals gate filled with dread, scared I’d fallen for some bizarre prank or was about to see somebody that was not this beautiful, charming woman walk out. She messaged me and said ‘got my bag, coming through now’ and then I saw this beautiful girl walk out and I felt like I was living. I could have been Brad Pitt riding a motorbike up a misty mountain at 5am or Thomas Edward Lawrence riding through the desert with a legion of followers behind me. We exchanged a few mumbled words and a quick peck before we headed into the lift where she snogged the face off me, before we got back to where we planned to stay and had lots of enjoyable sex. The rest of the week followed like some sort of cosy dream. Nice meals out, sex, no cares in the world, ice creams on steps of famous monuments as the sun went down, drinking, art museums, trips to the beach. I’d never met somebody who felt like the female me personality wise.
Upon getting back to the UK I kept up contact every single day but weirdly kept it a secret from most people because of some sort of fear of being seen as weird for having somebody so far away from me in the world. A mistake, I now know. She was, to put succinctly, overwhelmingly loving and I could do no wrong. She did come to the UK for about a month, and we had a wonderful time, although some immaturity on my end and stresses of my career meant I didn’t book all the time off I should have and didn’t do the time justice. She parted from the airport and the last I saw her in person was crying as she checked in and I left. We did what we had done for some short years though, message daily, video call, play games together, whatever we could do to bond many miles apart.
I fucked up from this point, I think. My current gf entered the scene, it was convenient because she lived literally around the corner, I didn’t
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