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>> No. 26383 Anonymous
27th March 2018
Tuesday 8:54 am
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I am completely lost. I don't want to exist. Sitting in work toilet crying my eyes out.

Finished uni, fine. Got one job offer afterwards, had no idea what the role was but go it anyway and it was my only offer so what the fuck else was I supposed to do. Cue two years of living as a lodger with some cunt twice my age I hate, in a shithole concrete town where I know nobody or have any desire to know anyone, I spoke to nobody at work, I did nothing when I got home, i just existed and waited for the next day. Never had a gf. Two mates in London, one who has plenty of other friends and wouldn't notice if I set fire to myself in front of him and another who just doesn't care, they're both miles away.

Anyway I recently got a new job, same thing but different company. I don't want to do this thing but its the only thing I can do by the looks at it, the only basis of that being that its what I did before. Still living in the same place and commuting one hour thirty. I'm bored out of my mind, I have no reason to be here, I'm just a dead vessel going to work then coming back to my hotel room I call a home, is there nothing more than this forever, i do nothing, i have nothing, im just an ugly friendless lifeless cunt in debt and with no point to any of it
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>> No. 26384 Anonymous
27th March 2018
Tuesday 9:27 am
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It sounds like the work isn't the problem. It is the lack of anything else. You have become isolated. I would recommend taking up hobbies and activities that give you the opportunity to meet like minded people.
>> No. 26385 Anonymous
27th March 2018
Tuesday 10:06 am
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Get a hobby lad.

I only notice this level of sheer existential freefall in people who define themselves by their career path and the relative success to their peers over social media. It's a mugs game mate.

My job isn't particularly highly paid, but it attracts a lot of grads, as a starting point. Nearly all of them express bewilderment that some of us have happily been doing it for years without trying to climb the ladder.

I've only got a small circle of friends, but I've learned to stop relying on my value to others as a measure of self worth, and when I think about it, I'm often happier in my own company anyway. I've had a disastrous string of relationships but we all do. It's a numbers game, you're not going to be a permavirgin, believe me.

Find other things in life to bring you happiness, because money, popularity and success never ever will. You have to learn how to enjoy a modest life that may well fail to meet your naive younger expectations, because let's face it, that's life, mate.
>> No. 26387 Anonymous
27th March 2018
Tuesday 11:24 am
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We all feel like this from time to time - as others have said, don't measure your life by how many friends you have (I have none, if I am honest), the amount of money you have (not much of that either), I'm fairly ugly too and commute every day just as long as you do. You're measuring the wrong things.

The first few years of work are tedious, you're not senior enough in whatever it is you're doing to understand its value to you or others and you're right, you could just be in the wrong job or line of work - takes many years to figure that out.

The are many other ways to get a fulfilling life - hobbies are a good start and that often leads to friends, public or voluntary service - do something good, I also think physical fitness is important - that can be a hobby in itself and over time you'll find it rewarding to have some small measure of control over yourself - it also definitely improves your mood, the cycle of getting knackered, sleeping well and eating faintly good things does wonders.

Some days though, it's just life and is actually the same for all of us. Even the people who look "successful" are probably dealing with/hiding plenty of their own shit.
>> No. 26396 Anonymous
27th March 2018
Tuesday 8:41 pm
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I get it. Whats the point of your existence? Who even cares? I sometimes feel the same. Its tough out there for the modern man.

The only way out is one step at a time. Move closer to work so your commute is less hellish. Do some training so you have some prospect of a job that is less hellish. Organise your finances so you can see a path out of debt. Join a sports club so you have some people to talk to every now and then. Stop depressing yourself on internet forums and start doing shit.

There is an exit from hell: it is a slippery ladder that must be climbed one rung at a time.
>> No. 26397 Anonymous
27th March 2018
Tuesday 8:59 pm
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>There is an exit from hell: it is a slippery ladder that must be climbed one rung at a time.

A really important point. You make big changes in your life by making tiny changes and trying to do them every day, every week, one step at a time. Don't beat yourself up on the days you don't do them, its the overall trend that counts.

It's the marginal gains theory of sporting achievement - it's difficult to change something/your life by 40% in one go, but you might be able to change 1% a week. You won't do it every week, but over a year it all adds up.
>> No. 26399 Anonymous
28th March 2018
Wednesday 7:46 am
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I can't cope lads.

I'm incapable of making changes. I went ot the gym regularly until last April then stopped, csnt bring myself to do that anymore.

I wanted to crash my car into something this morning just so I fucking felt something. I'm a passive spectator in my own life.
>> No. 26400 Anonymous
28th March 2018
Wednesday 8:04 am
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>My job isn't particularly highly paid, but it attracts a lot of grads, as a starting point. Nearly all of them express bewilderment that some of us have happily been doing it for years without trying to climb the ladder.

I think this is graduates in general. Whenever we get them at work they're always trying to run before they can walk and act like they're ready to run the company when they've been there a few months.

We recently had three of them apply for one position which came up in a more senior department and the two that didn't get it were so devastated I thought they were going to have a full on breakdown.
>> No. 26401 Anonymous
28th March 2018
Wednesday 12:33 pm
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>> No. 26429 Anonymous
29th March 2018
Thursday 8:57 pm
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had a hell of a day

going to phone samaritans later
>> No. 26430 Anonymous
29th March 2018
Thursday 10:08 pm
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sat in the car for an hour this afternoon and cried my eyes out

was the worst i've ever felt, I wanted to do something violent, smash my car into something, anything
>> No. 26431 Anonymous
30th March 2018
Friday 12:52 pm
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Elaborate, lad. That's what this board is for.
>> No. 26446 Anonymous
1st April 2018
Sunday 11:25 am
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If we're just saying about times we've cried I'll chime in since work's been tough and I can just post this here to get it off my chest. I work in a dementia care home, we lost someone the night before last. CPR done for an hour +, everything done, they just didn't make it. Last night in the space of an hour I had to calm a woman who woke up incredibly distressed because she was looking for her dead husband, then another woman woke up and was freaking out because she swore she saw her mother and "she wouldn't come to me". Another resident is sad because she knew the woman that passed and was getting quite close to her, saying "I loved her, you know."

That's just some highlights, then there's all the things inbetween. I've come home, cried, can't sleep and I'm on again tonight. Think I'm just going to get as high as possible now.
>> No. 26447 Anonymous
1st April 2018
Sunday 11:59 am
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> Think I'm just going to get as high as possible now.

IDK mate, my phone has a calculator process that starts every time it boots and can't be closed. It's currently in parts half in the freezer half in the microwave and my wife made a call at 4am to have me section which is probably getting delayed only because it's Easter. "Get out as early as you can,. And don't have any kids yourself.",
>> No. 26459 Anonymous
1st April 2018
Sunday 11:59 pm
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gone home for the weekend

I am an emotionless husk, my brother wanted to take me to see that shit ready player one so we did, when we got back I apologised for how much of a boring cunt I was, i went and sat in the living room an I was just empty, i'm fucking dead, my only emotional response to anything is to leave and swill in self pity and misery

I want a fucking way out and I'm too much of a pussy to hang myself
>> No. 26460 Anonymous
2nd April 2018
Monday 12:08 am
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im watching fucking videos on samaritans facebook page and im crying my eyes out

i dont know what to do boys
>> No. 26461 Anonymous
2nd April 2018
Monday 12:13 am
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Phone NHS 24. Explain it. They'll send an ambulance, the paramedics will assess you. You'll be admitted, you'll get help. Once they dread of being in hospital dissipates, you'll be able to think more clearly.
>> No. 26462 Anonymous
2nd April 2018
Monday 1:26 am
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For right now, I'd recommend giving one of the numbers on this page a call: https://www.nhs.uk/conditions/suicide/ - people in your position are exactly who they are there to help.

Going forwards, it sounds like you may benefit from some sort of counselling. You can see a counsellor for free on the NHS - have a read of https://www.nhs.uk/conditions/stress-anxiety-depression/free-therapy-or-counselling/. If you have BUPA cover you can book to see a counsellor through them instead. Sometimes just having someone to talk through your problems with is enough to change your perspective, and you can fit sessions in around your work schedule.
>> No. 26463 Anonymous
2nd April 2018
Monday 1:38 am
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>NHS 24
Known in England as NHS 111, in Wales as NHS Direct (mostly still on 08454647), and in Northern Ireland as an aspiration.
>> No. 26468 Anonymous
3rd April 2018
Tuesday 2:35 am
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That's the end of it. G'bye boyos.
>> No. 26469 Anonymous
3rd April 2018
Tuesday 2:47 am
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Call 116 123 to speak to The Samaritans. They'll listen to whatever you have to say. They're open 24/7 and calls are free from any network.
>> No. 26470 Anonymous
3rd April 2018
Tuesday 2:48 am
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Scratch that, just call 999 and ask for an ambulance. 999. Now.
>> No. 26474 Anonymous
3rd April 2018
Tuesday 10:09 pm
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I'm sorry I found this thread so late. This is the first time I've returned to this place in several years. I can't remember the last time I made a post here.

It sounds like I'm a little older than you but not by much. I went through the exact same thing, it was probably one of the wierdest and hardest times of my life and now I'm in a much better place from it. Your post really resonates with me so I wanted to post some stuff that helped me in the hope it will help you too.

Firstly though, please listen to everybody else, whatever it is, it's not worth ending it for. There's always something to go on for, even if you can't see it right now. Please please don't hurt yourself and get help if needed be it from Samaritans or a medical professional.

Like you I finished uni, spent some time searching for jobs, then got one doing the first thing I got offered vaguely graduate like.

It felt like hell. You're there, suddenly the promise of a world of opportunity and the vague notion you can do almost anything in university comes crashing down and you realise that this really is life, you go to a shit job you're not overly passionate about just to pay bills to rent and that's it. It really fucking threw me. I always looked forward to that first adult pay packet, when I got it I didn't even want to spend it, I just sort of sat there thinking 'this is what it's all about? This? For the rest of my working days?' By the way, I was kind of like you, I had to go balls deep into my overdraft just to afford the car insurance and get the suits I needed.

Anyway pass a little while later the job lets me go out of the blue, even though I'd been smashing my targets and finally getting it. I'm unemployed and I can't get another one for anything. My girlfriend then decides that she is going to leave me and there I am, sat in my room alone slowly circling my overdraft again.

It was truly shit, i literally couldn't see the point of anything. Then I got another job, I was jsut driving, sitting in traffic, pinging off emails and coming home. It was awful. Like you, my mates all gravitated towards the great graduate abyss that is London (it's actually an amazing place, but not that amazing that every single fucking graduate opportunity worth something has to be there).

Anyway, it was a pretty lonely time, I was getting shit pay, didn't know what I wanted to do with my life and kind of like you I was in a 'fuck it, what's the worst that can happen.' I somehow managed to get on a grad scheme thinking I'd had my break, and then, lo and behold, they sent me to a concrete shithole where I had to move in with a stranger. I'm not even that mad about the work.

Right now I actually am waiting to go on holiday with some mates, go fly on a different holiday to see another mate and have a romantic interest come out of the blue from literally nowhere, just because I made myself seem interesting and chatted and was social. I'm far from where I want to be, but looking back, I'm in such a better place. Again, I've lots that I'm unhappy with, but at least now I can see there's a possibility of things getting better.

Here's what helped me and keeps me sane - Have something that isn't work to aim towards. It sounds silly and simple in retrospect, but actually somehow starting and doing these things seemed huge. They get easier the more you try, too.

- I started the gym, wasn't even into that stuff and thought it definitely wasn't for me, just going and improving yourself is really rewarding and helps you focus.It doesn't matter how bad your day has been, how lonely you feel, you just gotta lift those weights that treat you the same regardless of how you're feeling and you've made yourself better. Congrats, you're now more attractive than you were just by doing that. And yes, people really can tell if you work out regularly.

-Run! It takes some shorts and some running shoes and that's it. The first 5 or so times will be unpleasant, even if you continue, it is still kind of unpleasant, but eventually when you finish you actually start to feel great. Download Strava, suddenly you're trying to beat your personal best from last time. Life might be shit for you, but trying to catch your breath after a good run sure gives you that escape.

-Say yes to every single thing and be the person initiating. I've been to countless work socials I was too tired to, but it helps. It makes you more interesting and actually you soon realise you can sit at home any other day, even if the company at the pub isn't that great. Anybody asks how you are (even family, their social interaction still counts), say yes and you would liek to catch up. I've messaged old mates, new mates, everybody I spoke to, not many stick, but eventually you soon find people might want to meet you for a pint, then another, then actually sort out something else. If your mates are in London say you were thinking of popping down if they fancied a pint and just say you wanted to catch up.

-Get a long term goal. I've been thinking about moving to Australia for a while, the whole wanderlust instagram quasi-dreaming bullshit everybody has. I might never do it, but everyday I look a little more into it and see if I can make it concrete. If I can't, I look at what I do to help. Even if it's just reading a quick blog. Sometimes the dream of running on the beach instead of around my local park is the difference between doing something and doing nothing.

-Savings. Get some savings. It's not easy I know, you'll probably find that when you're in a hole everything seems pointless. You'll also probably find that if you start hitting the gym and eating just a little better, you'll fancy shit food less, which improves your mood and also saves you money. Say bye to that quid bottle of coke a day and hello to drinking water which costs pretty much nothing. More importantly, it gives you security, which helps you rest easier at night. I'd never do it, but knowing I have enough savings to up and quit my job if I hate it and go live on a beach in Thailand whilst I work my life out gives me great reassurance. If I didn't have that, I'd be worried about losing my job and back to square one. Now, worst that happens is I come home for a few months and have the money to operate. It's an underrated peace of mind. You don't have to be rich, but having that safety net is a huge advantage.

-Finally, join a social club. Every area has them, get on meetup.com, go do your local park run, ask your housemate out for a beer (He might be a cunt, he might be twice your age, but he might also be alright if you get ot know him over a pint, or maybe he's a cunt, but at least you're out of the house hating him than stuck in your room doing it. If it doesn't work, at least you tried).

I concur though lad and from speaking to people and really pressing them on it, you'll find we're far from alone. It's part of the growing up process I think and from what I hear it takes a good 5 years post uni. You're not in this job forever, your situation won't be forever, keep looking towards alternatives, keep planning your escape and things might change faster than you think. Things can fall apart quickly in life but they can also build up quickly.

Finally, I leave you with a quote, it's a bit cheesy, sure, but I think it sums up nicely what hoping things get better is about. I'm sorry if this post come off as self-congratulatory but bar the minor details, you seem like you're experiencing the exact same thing as I am/was and the above is what I wish somebody would have told me. Feel free to ignore it if so.


"Hope is not blind optimism. It's not ignoring the enormity of the task ahead or the roadblocks that stand in our path. It's not sitting on the sidelines or shirking from a fight. Hope is that thing inside us that insists, despite all evidence to the contrary, that something better awaits us if we have the courage to reach for it, and to work for it, and to fight for it."

Things will get better. Good luck.
>> No. 26475 Anonymous
3rd April 2018
Tuesday 11:43 pm
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I haven't read the Bhagavad Gita, just this book about it, but he was saying these problems arise from just drifting into work that isn't your dharma, the work you're supposed to be doing.

He quoted the Gnostic Gospel of Thomas

>If you bring forth what is within you, it will save you; if you do not bring forth what is within you, it will destroy you.

It's a good book but he has this quirk of quoting then repeating a bit of the quote in italics e.g., something like

>If you bring forth what is within you, it will save you; if you do not bring forth what is within you, it will destroy you.

>it will destroy you.

He did it again and again and it drove me nuts. James Frey did something similar in A Million Little Pieces.

Anyway, I digress.

I hope you're still with us OP. I know depression is a black hole and it looks like there's no way out but that's the nature of the disease more than the reality. If you're suicidally depressed there's a chance you could get PIP and ESA for that so there's potential to change your life and career and circumstances right there. It will bring its own set of problems but if the DWP start to harass the living hell out of you, you'll have to do something different again. It might give you a little breathing space now though if your current situation is untenable.
>> No. 26476 Anonymous
4th April 2018
Wednesday 12:54 am
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All I can say is... Life must be a real bitch if you don't like videogames. Or know how to play an instrument, or draw or something like that.

I mean I have been through some real low times of complete existential ennui before. If you read back through this board I'm sure there are a couple of threads of mine. But at the moment I'm pretty happy, even though when I look at it I really don't have things all that much better than a lot of average graduates.

Maybe I just have really low standards. I never went to uni because I was one of those overacheivers who never had to actually try at all, so sixth form onwards was a huge system shock and I dropped out. I did years and years of shit retail and call centre jobs that made me want to kill myself. Then I did an apprenticeship as a last ditch effort to change my direction. I'm still getting paid the same fuck all as I did when I was 18, only I'm approaching thirty and I've only just got a BTEC.

The important part though, is that my current job doesn't trigger a deep and unassailable sense of meaninglessness. I have a shit little flat where the heating barely works, but it's my own place. I have a car that's slowly falling apart, but it gets me about. At the end of the day I just want my peace and quiet to play some games and jam along to the same nonsense music I've been listening to for a decade and a half. Apparently that's all it takes to keep me "happy".

I mean it's wierd though, because for all those years while I thought of myself as a bum and a failure I actually achieved a fair few things that the majority of people don't. I've played gigs with bands I used to idolise. I've participated in some utterly depraved acts of hedonism. I've been places that filled me with wonder. But even so I felt like a failure because I had still been living at my mums, or I couldn't take a girl out on a "proper" date.

I think perhaps we are all spoiled, in today's world. I don't mean it in that usual "hurr entitled millennial" sense, but more that we see so much of the world on TV and the Internet, we see the possibility life as a well off person constantly. We see the material wealth and experience to be had for someone with money. And we think that's something meant for us. Nobody ever tells you the hard truth that you are, more likely than not, a peasant and an observer.

Who knows.
>> No. 26477 Anonymous
4th April 2018
Wednesday 1:34 am
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>but more that we see so much of the world on TV and the Internet, we see the possibility life as a well off person constantly. We see the material wealth and experience to be had for someone with money. And we think that's something meant for us. Nobody ever tells you the hard truth that you are, more likely than not, a peasant and an observer.

I find the fact that this doesn't radicalise more people into wanting to line all capitalists up against a wall and shoot them point blank in the head quite baffling, but then that's probably because I'm only getting into my leftwing politics swing a bit later than everyone else because of similar issues to you.
>> No. 26480 Anonymous
4th April 2018
Wednesday 6:43 pm
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Not to derail otherlad's thread, I do hope he's found a better state of mind, but is that a good book?

I have recommended Angela Duckworth's Grit around these boards before. It is a great read.>>26475>>26475
>> No. 26481 Anonymous
5th April 2018
Thursday 2:47 am
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Yes, it's a good book apart from that italics thing he keeps doing. I had a feeling it would be important for me to read because I don't want to turn out like my brother who has jumped through every hoop society asked him to and has this middle-class existence where everything looks impressive from the outside but he's on antidepressants with a wife that hates him.
>> No. 26482 Anonymous
5th April 2018
Thursday 2:47 am
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I didn't find anything for "hotel suicide" on google news but if there are 84 a week, we won't know which one OP is.
>> No. 26483 Anonymous
5th April 2018
Thursday 2:56 am
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I'd say neo-advaita has been the single most important thing for me overcoming the anxiety and depersonalisation etc., that I used to have.
>> No. 26529 Anonymous
24th April 2018
Tuesday 8:34 pm
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Not the op, but I bought and read this. Fantastic book, a collection of great biographies centred around a solid idea. It's really interesting how well the lessons of the Bhagavad-Gita correspond with modern psychology about happiness, especially Csikszentmihalyi's idea of Flow.

Thanks for the recommendation. I still recommend Duckworth's Grit to anyone interested.
>> No. 26530 Anonymous
24th April 2018
Tuesday 9:10 pm
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How did it help you?
>> No. 26533 Anonymous
25th April 2018
Wednesday 12:18 am
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>Not the op, but I bought and read this. Fantastic book, a collection of great biographies centred around a solid idea. It's really interesting how well the lessons of the Bhagavad-Gita correspond with modern psychology about happiness, especially Csikszentmihalyi's idea of Flow.

especially Csikszentmihalyi's idea of Flow.
>> No. 26535 Anonymous
25th April 2018
Wednesday 12:38 am
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I guess I had an overwhelming sense of ego before I learned about nonduality, and it was fragile. Anxiety caused depersonalisation very easily and it was distressing to me. I was also very defensive.

I read Be As You Are: The Teachings of Sri Ramana Maharshi first and his work's out there for free


and it was translated by Victiorians or something so the language is stuffy. He keeps kind of repeating himself, because he's trying to explain to people struggling to understand, so I didn't fell the need to even read all of it. Mooji's prose style is much more lucid.

Mooji and Sri Ramana Maharshi both have the same glowy look around their eyes.

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