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>> No. 26448 Anonymous
1st April 2018
Sunday 6:05 pm
26448 Parents don't like my partner
I've been with my partner for about 2.5 years, she met my parents for the first time last October, met them again over Christmas. I got the impression they didn't like her, wasn't sure why because she tried really hard to be personable and made an effort to come up (which was daunting for her, meeting like 7 members of my family at once). I feel they don't like her because she's overweight, or because she's from a lower social class.

This weekend I was visiting home, and my dad and stepmum outright stated they think my girlfriend and I aren't good for each other. They know she has had mental health issues, and I also suffer from mental health issues, and they think two mentally ill people are bad for each other. But without her in my life, I wouldn't still be here. She's the one who's been there for me every day, while my parents didn't contact me for months. She's the one who's called my mental health nurse to get me extra support when I've been on the edge, she's the one who's always been there to listen to my worries.

I told her what they said and she's understandably hurt. Wants nothing to do with my family, which again is understandable. But it's put me in a difficult position. It means my love life and my family life can't come together. I don't know how things would work if we got married - would she even want my parents there? I don't want to put her through being around people who don't like her, but equally I don't want to cut my parents from my life as it means I won't be able to see my siblings. My relationship with my parents isn't great anyway, I know my dad has told people he's embarrassed about what a failure I am in life, and every therapist/counsellor I've spoken to about my life has told me they think my problems stem from my dad, but I'd still feel bad cutting him out of my life.

I just don't know what to do.
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>> No. 26449 Anonymous
1st April 2018
Sunday 6:38 pm
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Let me clue you in, lad. Telling your partner that your parents don't think you should be together is a really bad idea. Telling your partner whom has mental health issues that your parents don't think you should be together is a really, really, really, really bad idea.

Honestly, I'm not really sure what reaction you was expecting other than this. This suggests one of two things; either you're pretty naïve and clueless or deep down you knew that she'd react like this and it's secretly what you wanted - "oh, I didn't want to have to cut my dickhead parents out of my life but now my girlfriend has issued an ultimatum I've got no choice, it's out of my hands."
>> No. 26450 Anonymous
1st April 2018
Sunday 6:50 pm
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>>26448
When they said to you that they didn't like her and that they thought she was bad for you, you should have shamed them in the way you just described. She was there, they weren't. Hindsight is 20/20, but you should have told them that until they were ready to accept you and her then you wont be in contact and make sure they understand this is their problem.

You really shouldn't have told your missus what they said, m8. She'll never not have it in her head they don't like her, even if they stop being middle class snobs.
>> No. 26451 Anonymous
1st April 2018
Sunday 7:43 pm
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I realise now telling her wasn't wise, I think I thought honesty was the best policy but that's not always the case. She has said she doesn't mind if I see them but she wants nothing to do with them which is understandable.
>> No. 26452 Anonymous
1st April 2018
Sunday 8:16 pm
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>I just don't know what to do

What you need to do is learn to stand up for what you want. Your parents are the problem here and seriously overstepping their mark. You can't humour them on this your next move is to tell them they are out of order.
>> No. 26453 Anonymous
1st April 2018
Sunday 9:48 pm
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>>26451
>I realise now telling her wasn't wise, I think I thought honesty was the best policy but that's not always the case.

Come off it, lad. I recognise this weasel-like train of thought.

You're trying to excuse this, but you knew full well how she would react. You wanted your arm to be forced so that you may be left in the position where you'd have to cut contact with your parents. You'd wrack yourself with guilt, agonise over the decision before reluctantly going along with it when subconsciously it's what you wanted all along, but could never do off your own back. This gives you the justification to do it and a reason that can always be rationalised where it's not your fault.

Tell us more about your relationship with your parents.
>> No. 26454 Anonymous
1st April 2018
Sunday 10:26 pm
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>>26453

You're reading a lot into this lad. This board is for level headed advice, not armchair psychology.
>> No. 26455 Anonymous
1st April 2018
Sunday 10:49 pm
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>They know she has had mental health issues, and I also suffer from mental health issues, and they think two mentally ill people are bad for each other. But without her in my life, I wouldn't still be here. She's the one who's been there for me every day, while my parents didn't contact me for months. She's the one who's called my mental health nurse to get me extra support when I've been on the edge, she's the one who's always been there to listen to my worries.


Your parents are seeing the big picture, they are thinking much further down the line than you are at this moment.

Right now, where you're at in your life, it may well be that your girlfriend is, and has been the right person for you. Somebody who can relate to your emotional issues. I'm pretty fucked up emotionally myself, and I can tell you from my own experience that there is nothing worse than having a partner who has no concept of what it's like to be a psychologically volatile person like myself and just wonders why you're so "out there" a lot of the time. I never felt so alone in a relationship.

But in the long run, two people who are both mentally ill could indeed be a recipe for disaster. It could turn into an endless feedback cycle where one person's emotional instability feeds off that of their partner. I have known couples like that myself, and it often didn't end well for anybody.

I'm not sure if I should warn you or not when it comes to whether your girlfriend is the kind of person you should take a view to settling down with. It could still go either way. Be glad that she has been with you the last two and a half years and was quite probably in the right place at the right time to have met you. Just remember that somebody who is right for you at one point in your life isn't always right for you in the long run as well.
>> No. 26456 Anonymous
1st April 2018
Sunday 10:55 pm
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>>26454
The clues are there.

OP clearly has issues with his parents and the only reason he doesn't want to cut them out is because it would affect his relationship with his siblings and he'd also feel guilty about it.

His actions strongly indicate that he, at least on a subconscious level, has brought this conflict about as a means of ultimately cutting contact with his parents in a manner that would assuage his guilt and also his locus of control.

He's presently on the fence, but the wheels have been placed in motion.
>> No. 26458 Anonymous
1st April 2018
Sunday 11:19 pm
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>>26456

Or he could just be a slightly naive awkward lad who already has a lot of issues by himself, let alone his missus, and didn't really know how to deal with such a minefield of a situation.

Anyway, OP- This is why I've always felt like it's for the best to keep my family at arm's reach anyway. Some families are close, whereas some families just don't see eye to eye. Mine doesn't fit into either category but either way, I try not to worry about whether or not mummy and daddy approve of my life and instead of telling them every detail I just just pay lip service to the usual family obligations and such. It's important to realise that you don't have to make special exceptions for your family just because you share DNA.

As for your woman, well, she sounds mental, and we do have a rule of thumb around here... But it does sound like you are already pretty committed. You need to talk her out of this unreasonable ultimatum, tell her that although you understand why she feels the way she does, you thought it was best overall to be honest about it. Birds love a bit of the "thought I was doing the right thing" spiel, especially when you're sincere. In my experience relationships like that can sustain a lot of ups and downs, of the sort that might otherwise break a "normie" relationship between two more mentally stable people, so as long as you're aware you could be in for a rough ride, it's probably workable in the long run.

You're also thinking a bit too deeply about it frankly. There's nothing stopping you being involved with your family while she has nothing to do with them. Frankly I can only see that being a good thing- I once had a row with my missus because she wanted to add my mum on facebook and I told her to fuck the fuck off with a mentalist idea like that.

>>26455

is also kind of right. The main issue here is that your parents seem to be inconsiderate and tactless cunts for telling you what they did in such a blunt manner. But that's just one of those things in life- Someone older and wiser will always give advice like that as though they know exactly what they are talking about and that they've seen it all before.

We all just have to learn from our own mistakes at the end of the day, and if this relationship turns out to have been one, so be it. But hindsight is always 20/20, it might never turn out that way at all. Without a crystal ball you can only follow your gut.
>> No. 26465 Anonymous
2nd April 2018
Monday 10:17 pm
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>>26458

> But that's just one of those things in life- Someone older and wiser will always give advice like that as though they know exactly what they are talking about and that they've seen it all before.

The funny thing is, from a certain age, it really is likely that you have seen most things. You probably didn't experience all those things first-hand, but maybe you've learned from seeing other people around you and what they went through.

It's not always easy to pinpoint, but I would say from about early middle age, you have just seen enough things enough times to be clued in on a few of life's inner truths that simply elude somebody as a younglad or younglass.

One thing my mum said to me once when I was in the beginning stages of a relationship with a lass who was simply worlds apart and that I had nothing in common with was "I'm glad you've found somebody who's good for you right now". What she meant by "right now", I really didn't understand at that point, and it took me three years and the end of that relationship to realise that my mum had always known that that lass wasn't "the one" for me, but that on the other hand, my mum also saw that I was happy for the time being. My mum understood better than anybody that my gilfriend was right for me at that point in time in my life, but that our relationship just had no long-term future whatsoever and that the failure of that relationship was inevitable.

OP, your parents only want what's best for you. Few parents will speak badly about your partner just to spite you. About 95 percent of the time, it's genuine concern. And maybe just simply call it life experience, but there seems to be something about your girlfriend that has them thinking that a life with her isn't in the cards for you or should at least not be attempted.

So what happens now? Well, it's your life, and you decide if your girlfriend means enough to you that you could imagine settling down with her at some point. There is such a thing as beating the odds. On the other hand, you have been warned. By your parents who just maybe know you better than any other person ever will.
>> No. 26466 Anonymous
2nd April 2018
Monday 10:57 pm
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>>26464

>The funny thing is, from a certain age, it really is likely that you have seen most things.

>your parents only want what's best for you

That doesn't mean that they've learned much, or are in any position to give good advice. A lot of people have the false impression that they've got the world sussed, simply because they've become narrow-minded and set in their ways. Unless you're talking to someone who really has their life sorted out, you're probably getting some mixture of good advice, self-protective rationalisations and inherited prejudices.

If you've been stuck in a loveless marriage for 20 years, it's easier to believe that all marriages are secretly loveless than to get a divorce and have a shot at something better. If you're stuck in a job that you hate because you've got bills to pay, it's easier to believe that all jobs are awful than to confront the fact that you should have made better decisions in your youth. A lot of older people imagine themselves to be sage and worldly-wise, when really they're just bitter and cynical. They think they've seen everything, but their horizons have narrowed without them having noticed.

To give a somewhat extreme example of how we inherit beliefs about the world, consider how domestic violence perpetuates through the generations. The overwhelming majority of victims and perpetrators of domestic violence grew up in violent households. The hardest part of rehabilitation is getting the victim or the perpetrator to genuinely acknowledge that domestic violence isn't normal. Once they've made that realisation, the rest is relatively straightforward. Victims stay with a violent partner or (just as commonly) go through a succession of violent partners, because they think that's what love is. Serial perpetrators come to believe that they're the victim of an elaborate conspiracy by the police and social services, because they honestly don't see what's so bad about the odd slap, or punch, or mugful of boiling water. Their idea of normality is based on a completely abnormal environment, but they haven't had the opportunity to learn a different way of living.

On a more mundane level, every family has some kind of artificially narrow idea of what kind of lives are possible or worthwhile. Maybe your parents think that university is only for posh kids, not the likes of us. Maybe they think that if you don't go to Oxbridge, you're a total failure. Maybe your parents believe in the one and think that you can only find happiness through true love. Maybe they think that love is a fallacy and you should marry whoever your uncle Abdul chooses for you. Without meaning to, every parent raises their child in an invisible cage, even the laissez-faire parents, especially the laissez-faire parents.

Your parents do probably want what's best for you, but they probably don't know what's best for you and wouldn't know how to help you get it. They're only human. They've only lived one life. They can't know how things might have turned out for them if they'd done things differently. There are all kinds of possibilities that they've subconsciously discounted to assuage their own fears and regrets, all sorts of beliefs that they've inherited from their parents without ever questioning them. Like all of us, they don't know what they don't know. Think very carefully about who you take advice from and what their biases might be.
>> No. 26467 Anonymous
2nd April 2018
Monday 11:50 pm
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>>26466

I'm not sure what to really make of your post. On the one hand, you are saying that what older people think is genuine well-meaning advice is just narrow-minded bitterness that stems from having lived just one life and from being stuck in your ways and looking back in anger.

You, on the other hand, strike me as a prime example of somebody who falls perfectly into that kind of category himself. All you've been on about here is a cynical run-down of why you think people don't know diddly squat about somebody else's life.
>> No. 26473 Anonymous
3rd April 2018
Tuesday 9:08 pm
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>>26466
>That doesn't mean that they've learned much, or are in any position to give good advice.
This. Your mother making a correct judgement says nothing about anything. Your parents might be giving you good advice, they might also be giving you shit advice. Unless you have a reason to think otherwise, I don't think there's any reason to presume they have deep insight into your inner workings.
>> No. 26479 Anonymous
4th April 2018
Wednesday 1:56 am
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>>26467
I'm personally taking it as "yes, people can care about you enough to want to give you good advice (and this is very nice of them), but their concept of 'good' is relative to their experiences and their experiences won't be exactly the same as yours, so why should your definition of 'good' be too?"

You can be more than two things, which is usually a good idea for anyone hoping not to turn out exactly like their parents.

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