|>>|| No. 26701
Everything I do, all day, always reminds me of something embarrassing I did. Be it last week, or years ago, my brain is there to spoil any activity, no matter how mundane, with a reminder.
Going through a PowerPoint presentation: remember in Year 10 when you had to give a presentation on [thing] and you ballsed it up?
Walking past a local pub: It was in this pub you ballsed up the only chance you've ever had with a girl by acting like a fucking cunt, you fucking cunt.
Going through holiday photos: You were on holiday (not even this one) when you acted like a fucking selfish prick in front of the people you were staying with, you fucking cunt.
Listening to certain songs: You liked this song around the time you said "ah, shit" to [teacher] at school by accident and got into a lot of trouble.
And it doesn't even have to be associated with things. I can be just walking somewhere and things that I did, no matter how recent or distant, will just bubble up and I'll have to struggle to not visibly cringe.
It's becoming quite obtrusive now; I hadn't really realised til I thought about it in the shower today - I was thinking about something stupid I did and realised that these thoughts come to me several times a day, every day.
I've tried getting help for anxiety and stuff but that's not going to happen with the current state of the NHS, so what can I do?