|>>|| No. 26739
I was digging around at home and found that my mum has kept every single one of my school reports. I thought it would be a bit of a laugh to read about what I was like at 8 years old, so I did, and now I feel sick.
I haven't changed a bit. Every single report, from first year to the end, was the same thing. "exceptionally capable, but won't put the work in", "does not utilise his intelligence", "easily distracted, slow worker", "is happy with the bare minimum". Every. Single. One.
My grades tell the same story - A* exams, D coursework. Anything I had to actually work on I did in the quickest and easiest possible manner. Yet I had the brainpower to walk into an exam just with the stuff I'd remembered in class and ace a test. Apparently I got the only perfect score in the region on an ICT test, yet came out with a B overall, because my coursework was cobbled together.
The issue here is, these comments are all to familiar in my adult working life. Though I've still managed to coast my way through a very fruitful career, more than once I've been told to try more, to care a bit more. And it's starting to dawn on me that I've always just brushed this shit off. I've even felt that I didn't understand the criticisms, that I was working to the best of my ability - but obviously I'm not, and I can't really figure out how I'm supposed to improve that.
It's a real kick in the teeth to realise that you had the same problems at 9 years old as you do at 29, and for two fucking decades you've been ignoring everyone's advice. I can't even imagine where I'd be if I'd listened, instead of just taking the path of least resistance. I do think I learned early on that participation in just about anything was optional, and if you're clever enough you can get away with it, and I've managed to carve out a niche career that allows me to work at my own pace, at the expense of my free time I suppose, as I seem to take longer to do anything than most people, and it's not for lack of ability.
So basically it's a lack of drive, or concentration? I really can't work out how to improve this though. I suppose I just have to learn how to not be lazy anymore? To actually get stuck in? I have no fucking clue how to do that, and I've always felt like I do work hard (despite people telling me I don't). I just very, very often find myself thinking "fuck this, can't be arsed" and subsequently cutting corners or stopping entirely.
Although I'm now a consultant in my field, I can honestly not think of how I would improve my performance, even though my job is to tell others how to do just that. Am I in such deep denial that I'm tricking myself into thinking I'm infallible? What the fuck is that about? Maybe I have just been working hard but not efficiently or well, but why have I never noticed this in myself?
This was originally just going to be a post describing how terrible I feel right now but really, how do I fix this? It's easy to find comfort in the picture I just posted, but I suspect that in reality I'd have gone much further if I had drive.