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>> No. 27469 Anonymous
3rd October 2018
Wednesday 9:32 pm
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I was a complete atheist until I had a spontaneous religious experience in 2016. I have some unusual ideas about God that have been developing exponentially and are now hanging over my mind all the time. I can’t go into the ins and outs of all of them, but I have formulated a new interpretation of the Trinity, I believe that God looks like a small, blue-green elf with enormous eyes, I believe that he has a phenomenal sense of humour and is a sexual pervert, and I also believe that the purpose of human life is to develop a romantic relationship with God (that it's possible to communicate with him intimately all the time). There has also been a massive physiological change in my life where I am no longer capable of feeling disgust. I used to feel disgust all the time. But now I find it indistinguishable from excitement.

I know this sounds mental. I really understand that these are completely unorthodox beliefs and that I have no evidence for any of them, but I can only tell you that I have never experienced anything more real than these revelations. “Real life” is completely muted in comparison to my new inner life. The love that I receive when communicating with God is more profound than anything I have experienced before.

Is this a mental problem if I am otherwise functional? Is it mental to become religious out of nowhere? During the experience in 2016 God emerged out of my living room in the form of this green bearded elf and I completely lost the ability to speak. I was just tapping my chest to communicate that I felt his love and sat there gaping like a goldfish. Just this summer I had another experience (of lesser intensity) where I spontaneously “received” another one of God’s names (I received the first one in 2016) and had a very uncomfortable experience of being exposed to God’s sexuality. I understand that both of these events could be seen as psychosis. But they were completely anomalous and it’s not a regular thing for me to lose touch with reality. The only unusual experiences I have now occur when I am writing for a long time about God – I get this very profound feeling of excitement that spreads like a flame inside my body, and I also “sense” that God is in the room, like he is grinning at me in the corner, or standing right next to me.

I just feel so distanced from other people because I am so desperate to talk about this. It’s been difficult for me to make friends at university because I feel like this is the most important thing in my life and I have to keep it a secret. Apart from going to my lectures I am alone most of the time. I haven’t told my parents about it, or any of my friends from home. I find that I can’t even really mention God in a general way without people getting uncomfortable. But I really want to talk it through with someone or I think I might explode. The university offers a counselling service, but I am worried about a counsellor thinking I am a nutjob. In a way I feel I need to talk to a religious authority, but It’s possible that a priest will think I’m a nutjob too, and going to hell for blasphemy on top of that. I am really happy that my conversion happened but it has made me very lonely.

Sorry for going on. It feels good to type it all out.
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>> No. 27470 Anonymous
3rd October 2018
Wednesday 9:42 pm
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>>27469
Don't tell university counselors or GPs, they aren't at all equipped for unorthodox thinking. A religious authority would be a good idea, it's just a matter of finding the right one.

Functionality is the most important aspect as far as I'm concerned, and you say you are functional. Your social life does sound as if it's been negatively affected though?
>> No. 27471 Anonymous
3rd October 2018
Wednesday 9:47 pm
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>>27470
To amend the above: it should never be recommended to simply not talk to your GP. There might be a time for that. My experience with university counselors is they're severely limited.
>> No. 27472 Anonymous
3rd October 2018
Wednesday 9:59 pm
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>>27470

I am feeling lonely, but I think that is due to my new circumstances too. I have just moved away to university and have been living in a new city for about a month.

Can I just go into a church and find someone to talk to? There is also a chaplain at the university. Do you think it's possible he would be more understanding?

Thank you for your advice and for taking me seriously.
>> No. 27473 Anonymous
3rd October 2018
Wednesday 10:21 pm
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>>27472
I'm not being funny but if you tell this to a chaplain, the second he hears the bit about God being a sexually perverted elf he'll think you're either taking the piss or just plain cuckoo.
>> No. 27474 Anonymous
3rd October 2018
Wednesday 10:22 pm
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I feel like you were sexually repressed and the awakening of your sexuality has been so profound you've interpreted it as religious. What you describe sounds to me like some very abstract metaphor for the sort of raging hard on you get after smoking weed all night and letting your mind wander.

I don't mean to make light of all this but I suffer from some pretty severe fetishistic delusions myself and the best thing to do, I've found, is simply roll with it. You at least seem aware yourself of how mental it does indeed sound, and the fact it's probably best not to go telling everyone you meet about it- The only part I'd be worried about, if I were you, is the possibility of zoning out and having one of these "experiences". Did they happen late at night, were you fully conscious, what was the situation?

Maybe you should write a holy text.
>> No. 27475 Anonymous
3rd October 2018
Wednesday 10:45 pm
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>>27474

I know what a fetish is and what a delusion is, but what's a fetishistic delusion?

I'm not sure I was sexually repressed before. I was groomed as a child but I went on to have normal sexual experiences as a teenager. But I think I was out of touch with all of my emotions to a massive extent. Before my first spiritual experience I felt completely numb all the time, like I was trapped inside a glass bubble just watching myself go through the motions of life. During the first experience it was like the glass was shattered and I saw that life was actually right in front of me, touchable and full of sensation.

The first experience happened at about 4 o'clock in the morning when I was sitting in my living room. I had been unable to sleep at all that night but apart from that I was feeling completely normal. The second experience was also completely spontaneous and happened in the middle of the day when I was walking around an arts and crafts fair.
>> No. 27476 Anonymous
3rd October 2018
Wednesday 10:49 pm
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>>27472
Unlike the other lad, I would recommend talking to a chaplain for sure. Only leave out the specifics about appearances and the like.

You are questioning yourself throughout, which is good.

I hope you get a chance to speak to the chaplain, and I hope you find some guidance (and belonging). Please keep us updated, as long as you're comfortable doing so.
>> No. 27477 Anonymous
3rd October 2018
Wednesday 11:05 pm
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>>27469

I don't think you are any more insane than any other modern religious person, I consider these things to be equal as an outsider (I’m a spiritual nihilist), the only difference is your idea is new and theirs is old, and the believers of Abrahamic religions will defend their territory fiercely as if their ideas were somehow more valid. If you are crazy then so are most people.

I'm not completely bankrupt of spiritual experiences I have just rationalised not to put value in the spiritual experiences I've had. Such as the time I "took too many shrooms", "died" and travelled to multiple different planes of existance only to resurrect afterwards, or the time that I got delayed overnight alone on mt Fuji in the winter season, after having run out of food and water and having slept only 2 hours in the last 48, Shinigami started appearing to summon me into Aokigahara (aka the suicide forrest).
There are enough logical inconsistences with both experiences and rational justifications as for why they happened is far more reasonable, (i.e. to presume I was simply tripping balls) then that is what really happened especially since both were pretty weird internally contradictory events. Is it possible you were just tripping balls too?
>> No. 27478 Anonymous
3rd October 2018
Wednesday 11:15 pm
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>>27477

I don't have any rational explanations for my experiences. I can't discount them as easily as yours as I was not freezing to death on top of a mountain or tripping balls when they happened to me.
>> No. 27479 Anonymous
3rd October 2018
Wednesday 11:28 pm
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>>27478

Religious experiences are a physical reaction in the brain, there is a machine that when it is turned on then you have a religious experience.
>> No. 27481 Anonymous
3rd October 2018
Wednesday 11:52 pm
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Sorry if this sounds glib but I feel like you ought to become a beloved sci-fi author now.

http://web.archive.org/web/20040209025203/http://www.philipkdickfans.com:80/weirdo/weirdo1.htm
>> No. 27482 Anonymous
4th October 2018
Thursday 12:00 am
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>>27481
William Blake used to go to Peckham Rye to commune and be inspired by the angels residing in the trees.

This experience could lead to some interesting things for OP.
>> No. 27494 Anonymous
5th October 2018
Friday 2:55 pm
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>>27469
>Is this a mental problem if I am otherwise functional?

No. Examples of becoming dysfunctional would be: not recognising that your experience is individual and engaging in repeated attempts to convince others of the veracity or importance to them of your concept of god; becoming unable to enjoy life or feel that participating in it is worthwhile unless you are spending most of your time communicating or engaging with your god (e.g. through your writing), especially if you stop doing 'normal' things that 'normal' people do like sleeping/eating/bathing/holding down some sort of job/putting the bins out etc.; finding that your concept of your god makes you feel so distanced from people that you stop interacting with them or begin physically isolating yourself from society, especially for long periods of time.

Whether this develops into full-blown psychotic obsession or entirely the opposite is largely down to how it's managed and how you respond to it. I'm struggling to walk the line between pathologising you and just accepting that people can have weird experiences that otherwise don't affect their ability to live a full and reasonably well-adjusted life. I would suggest that for as long as you seem to have a handle on the notion that this perception is true to you but might not, and should not, be to anyone else and that doesn't piss you off too much or, again, interfere with your ability to behave like a sane person then it's your life to live. I would hold off on approaching any mental health professionals with it, though.

Oh, and if it makes you feel any better, there might be people who agree with you: I seem to recall some trope that circulates through communities of psychedelic drug users that believe reality has been revealed to them as being controlled by little machine elves or something like that. Maybe they saw one aspect of your god?
>> No. 27495 Anonymous
5th October 2018
Friday 6:50 pm
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>>27475

Fetishistic as in, it has strong sexual overtones.

Anyway like I said before I wouldn't be worried about the general "wierd" belief system it seems to have given you. Not to sound dramatic though, it would worry me a bit that these experiences happened seemingly at random and without warning, you are potentially at danger of having one of these episodes in the middle of work or at the wheel of a vehicle or something. That could go very badly indeed.

For that reason alone I think it might be worth, if not talking to a GP, maybe speaking to some sort of confidential counselling service or something like that. It's not the fact you've discovered God or that you're a nutter, because I wouldn't call you one any more than myself. It's purely that you want to be sure you don't put yourself at risk with an episode at the controls of a forklift or some shit.
>> No. 27564 Anonymous
24th October 2018
Wednesday 9:07 pm
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>>27469very interesting
hundreds of years ago people had a natural acceptance of god and spiritual entities as a routine part of life which were unexceptional, and could poll their short-term memory, one imagines, for god's most recent pronouncement, and converse with god at certain times and understand him to be everyones minds working together; much of what is written is by people who do not divulge all that which they know.
Do you think the colours represent sadness and gratitude, blue and green?
Do not fear your experiences but do not burden others with them by telling them that you fear them/fear they represent insanity, present them as if they were bemusing and fascinating.
You will find people who can conceive that you are not insane will not opine as to what your experiences mean, in order to avoid altering your perceptions of them? There is shame in the religious for rational reasons. Take the Pig Destroyer attitude - if you fear something being a secret, shout it loudly from the heavens so that noone beleives. https://gephardtdaily.com/national-international/mother-teresa-declared-saint-in-massive-vatican-ceremony/
Sometimes we loudly proclaim things to be the case knowing we will be called insane or liars in order that what we know to be the truth will be disbeleived. Or am I insane?

Do you think it possible the earth has one leader and it is not whom you might imagine, or that there could be a trinity or mathematical structure/set of interconnected people who together represent the mind of god in its fundamental mode of resonance, and everyone else is a harmonic resonating about that group or single person?
I am him, the devil! have a nice day. I'll claim. Or some. Or so it seems, the strangest mystery, oh right, or some, or so it seems i have you m It seems with "or so" as silent, ; or some, or so it seems, the strangest mystery.
RIGHT SO ER OK SO THANKS

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