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>> No. 27747 Anonymous
14th November 2018
Wednesday 9:12 am
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I haven't had been in a relationship or had sex for over 2 and a half years.

There's probably lots of things factoring into this. A year and a half of it I was working in a small office, not really interacting with many new people. I also spent immense amounts of time studying, saving money and planning for the future during my free hours. This has paid off, now, but I think there's more to it. There's an underlying issue here.

I know it's not down to my appearance or social skills, because even with this ascetic kind of life I would still occasionally get interest from the odd work colleague or friend-of-a-friend.

I think it's more down to the fact my last two relationships were really traumatic in a way I haven't fully acknowledged. One simply cut off contact without preamble and never gave a reason why. The other cheated during a period of long distance, and let me find out by myself after months of lying.

It's made me extremely reluctant to reach out to people, even if I find them attractive. I'm a sensitive person, anyway, but combined with that rough history I find myself overanalysing the words and actions of others looking for signs that I might get hurt again. Even worse, the more I look at relationships as a whole, the more I realise this kind of thing isn't atypical in the slightest (you could even argue I've got off lightly in terms of baggage). I've started to find how people treat eachother a little disgusting, and even dangerous.

I really value love and close one-to-one relationships. I have a degree of closeness with friends, but there's no physical intimacy at all, nor a sense of really experiencing life "together".

This leaves me with a painful ambivalence that's hard to let go of. I truly want to meet people and believe I have a lot to give, but I am also hyper-cautious and finding myself becoming increasingly critical of people and bitter about what happened -- making it very unlikely I'll ever get past those tricky first hurdles with any new person.

I've been telling myself that I've just been focusing on myself and my career. I have had plenty of success there. But that's not the reason I've remained single.

I make this thread now because I have a big change coming up very soon, with opportunities to meet many new friends. I want to go into it with a different mindset. Someone has suggested that I don't put so much of my heart into things and allow myself to have fun, but I'm not sure. How do I deal with what happened, and give myself the best chance of happiness in the future?
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>> No. 27749 Anonymous
14th November 2018
Wednesday 1:20 pm
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Let it go. Let it go. Whatever the next line of that song is.

Two and a half years isn't a lot in the grand scheme of things. I know a lad who's been single for eight. He's a bit of a loser maybe but fortune simply hasn't smiled on him. Relationships come and go, sometimes quickly, sometimes not. The important thing is to just let things happen naturally. I met my current partner less than a month after my ex, a fact I was almost embarrassed about at first, and worried it would just be a rebound, but she's brilliant and I'm glad the wheels of fate put us in that position.

With all the things you've been through it's understandable that you might not want to commit to anything. If anything I'd say it's not been long enough, because clearly you still harbour some bitterness and resentment. You shouldn't feel like you are too sensitive or whatever, some people just take knocks harder than others, and clearly you open yourself to a partner. That makes you vulnerable when they do something like they did, but it also makes you a much more compassionate and caring lover when you find the right one.

You just have to keep in mind that not everyone is a bastard. A lot of them are, but I think wwhen you've been through a couple of relationships with cheating, emotionally abusive slags, you can see it all the more clearly when someone is genuine. You know what signs to look out for and when you realise you've found somebody without any of them, it's a feeling of sheer bliss. It might be hard to stop paranoid, suspicious thoughts creeping in when you've had trauma inflicted before, but you have to keep in mind what trust actually is. Trust is blind faith and that's all it can be.

That's the hardest part about any relationship I suppose, but like I keep saying. When you find the right one, you know it. You start to recognise all the incompatibilities you knew about, deep down, in your past relationships and you'll know when it's right.
>> No. 27750 Anonymous
14th November 2018
Wednesday 3:00 pm
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I was in exactly the same situation from 21 to 24, for the same reasons too.

I became focused on taking care of myself and loving myself, because I figured I’d be happier if I didn’t need someone else to do it for me and that would change the type of people I attracted. It did, I very quickly seen a massive uptick in people who I had previously admired wanting to spend time with me because I had an easy confidence. I ended up settling down and getting married after that marple patch, but it has stood me in good stead as we don’t argue about things I used to argue about with insecure people when I was also insecure.

We argue about who is going to drive to the shops, or who is phoning a takeaway or why I spent £100 on a scale model of the Galactica or my shoe collection, but we don’t have issues surrounding trust, because we are honest with each other and ourselves.

When you find a partner who cares about you as much as you care about yourself, you will never wonder if they’re cheating or if they really love you because they’ll show you everyday by being interested in what you’ve been upto rather than suspicious.
>> No. 27751 Anonymous
14th November 2018
Wednesday 4:23 pm
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If you start a relationship with someone, there are four possible endgames - they dump you, you dump them, they watch you die or you watch them die. That's not a tragedy, it's the natural order of things. If we try to fight that inevitable and inescapable truth, we'll only compound our suffering. The only relief from that suffering is acceptance.

>> No. 27752 Anonymous
14th November 2018
Wednesday 6:31 pm
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It's not hard to die somewhere the other person can't see, or simultaneously despite nobody being dumped or broken up.
>> No. 27753 Anonymous
14th November 2018
Wednesday 9:24 pm
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What if you both die at the same time?
>> No. 27754 Anonymous
15th November 2018
Thursday 3:43 pm
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>I haven't had been in a relationship or had sex for over 2 and a half years.

Awww. Poor you. 2001 was the last time I had anything. You'll survive.

(A good day to you Sir!)
>> No. 27755 Anonymous
15th November 2018
Thursday 3:58 pm
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How old were you in 2001?
>> No. 27756 Anonymous
15th November 2018
Thursday 10:07 pm
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I realise you might not be able to reply yet but I'll wait for an answer. What part of revealing in your misery do you think is positive? There is nothing to beneficial to being long suffering and it isn't a contest. Please don't take what I just said the wrong way. I want you to be happier and more satisfied with life, but you aren't doing yourself any favours by sneering at others, you can't get out of a hole by digging yourself deeper into it and trying to pull down others who are trying to get out. If you want help I'm sure we are happy to listen and be constructive, but don't just shit on others.
>> No. 27757 Anonymous
15th November 2018
Thursday 10:16 pm
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It reads like complaining about only having a few million in the bank.
>> No. 27758 Anonymous
16th November 2018
Friday 12:21 am
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Does it? Or are you irrationally embittered? If I brake my toe and fucking hurts the fact you lost your leg in a car accident years before doesn't mean I'm not allowed to be in pain and mention that I am. If i lose my child you shouldn't be telling me a hundred children starved to death in Bangladesh so i can't complain.

What you are doing is a form of narcissism. You are thinking only of how things apply directly to you. But paradoxically you You don't look to your achievements you look to how much you have suffered. No one is allowed to suffer unless they have it worse then you. You despise sympathy others receive because you are envious of it. You feel you deserve that sympathy but no one is giving it to you. None of this is constructive to helping you feel better. No one can actually help you if you wallow in your misery. At the moment you are just forcing yourself lower.

If you want help ask for it. Don't just be bitter because someone else did and they got it.
>> No. 27759 Anonymous
18th November 2018
Sunday 3:40 am
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