|>>|| No. 28668
Lads - I come with an overdue update. I probably also need a sense check. Vitriol, disappointment or even just some pat on the back and a 'you made your bed' would be nice, even appreciated.
I took the cowards option by the way. I am heartless, I lack courage and I went with both. I'm disappointed in myself and sometimes feel a rush of guilt to the head, but then it subsides. I let the girl come and see me from holiday and manufactured some distance between me and the girl here so we didn't see each other that much.
Holiday girl came to visit, we hung out, it was a great fun and when holiday girl went to see friends elsewhere in the country, I would drop by with other girl to say hello and that was it.
Holiday girl went home, I had one very close shave where they caught wind of each other but I managed to diffuse it.
I carried on speaking and hanging out with both, one in person, one over the internet when she returned and acted like nothing was up.
Now is the time again for holiday girl to visit if we are realistically likely to keep this going. She is still, and always will be my ideal, but again I am no closer to being with her in any consistent capacity in person, although we vaguely talk about making a move to where she is.
The other girl can't understand my reluctance to make substantial plans, but she's lovely, getting better to be around and is actually nice.
I have to bin one off, commit to a plan with one this week, if I say no to holiday girl visiting it's over, if I say yes, I obviously have to say goodbye to the girl here. They both have unending patience for my sometimes Jekyll and Hyde attitude to life and them which comes from me having to balance them both. I can't pull off another visit without the other clocking on something is up. Time is up, the decision has to come.
I've not been happy in the UK for a while, not because of anything inherently wrong, just that I kind of am wondering what more is out there, and am tempted to try a new life somewhere where the rain and grey isn't everyday and think if worst comes to worst I just come back. The mundanity of getting a house, a mortgage and watching my days fritter away is not appealing at the minute but I appreciate there is some realism to that life.
On the flip side I have a decent job, I have a relatively decent social life and could just enjoy it, but I'm just not happy. Not in a 'I want to die kind of way', but just that there's a huge itch that I can't scratch and nothing really provides excitement to me and I'm starting to resent it more and more each month. I am pretty miserable most days, but there's nothing catastrophic enough to push me over the edge.
What should I do lads? Who do I choose?
A) Do I sack it all off, invite holiday girl back a second time and try and move to be with her and take the risk and hope it works out
b) Do I just play the safe option and not be a dickhead who in his 20s throws away the start of a career for something that probably won't work and end up having to start again in a few years? Plus I keep the girl here who is okay too, but is happy with life as it is and would be fine with the mundane safe path?
I've completely fucked it, I know. Sorry for the absolute mess of a post.