|>>|| No. 27877
The dad of one of my exes committed suicide on an afternoon a month ago. He hung himself in his shed in the back garden. His body was spotted by a gardener who was working in an adjacent back garden and very suddenly noticed a person dangling in mid-air through the shed's back window. The gardener then jumped over fences and hedges like mad and cut my ex's dad down and tried to resuscitate him, but it was too late, maybe just by a few minutes. The ambulance apparently arrived just moments later but all they could do was pronounce him dead.
What a horrible thing to witness.
Anyway, what my ex and I had was eons ago. We were each other's first love though, and although we were never again on speaking terms due to an immensely hostile breakup, there were times when very old mutual friends thought there was a chance for us to at least be in the same room with each other without shouting angry things at the other person. That all never materialised. Mainly because people like to gossip, but also because some two or three percent of me may still have cared about her, my attempts to then get back in touch with her were met with rejection and her worry that I still secretly wanted to have her back.
Why am I writing all this? Well, like my dad who also killed himself, her dad suffered from lifelong clinical depression. My dad was in and out of treatment until he did manage to take his own life, just like her dad the last couple of years if I understood correctly what our old mutual friends (now much more distant and really just old acquaintances to me) told me about all the recent events. So effectively she is in a similar position now as I am, which is that just like ours, her family is reduced to two people due to incredibly tragic events.
I had made my peace with probably never meeting her again. We live almost 100 miles apart now and it was unhealthy anyway to try to get in touch with somebody who had made it quite clear she wasn't interested. She is married now too, so in any case, there still would have been that to consider. And my main feeling towards her was probably not the hope that we would get back together, but feeling sorry about the way we broke up back in the day, because it was nearly all my fault.
But now I very genuinely just feel sorry for her because I know the kind of horror from first-hand experience that your dad's suicide can inflict on your family.
What do I do? Am I enough of a decent human being if I just keep her in my thoughts and think of what she, and her mum, must be going through at the moment? I'm not religious, so that's the best I can do in that way. Or should I let her know in a more direct way that despite me not being at the funeral or having sent my condolences, I am really quite shaken up for her?