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>> No. 28149 Anonymous
19th February 2019
Tuesday 10:45 pm
28149 Help from experienced people
Guys, what do you do if you're in a relationship where you feel like the main reason for being there is compassion rather than it actually being fulfilling? I love my girlfriend, but I also feel like I'm the only person in her life (I'm not really exaggerating). Sometimes I feel like for what we've been through together, good and bad, we have something great and special. But we don't have a great sex life to be honest (I could go in to this a lot), and generally feel 'out of sync' a lot of the time in a way that makes things difficult for us. I also feel like I can't talk about how I really feel about things with her, and that I 'act' a lot around her just to get by. She has also had a very complex life in many ways. I know this sounds very smug and patronising, but knowing how she gets by with life, I get a terrible feeling if I think about how her life would go without me, and this makes me want to stick with her even if I'm not happy with how things are between us. She is good in lots of ways and never tries to guilt me about what I've mentioned, and having read everything I've written the obvious answer seems to be to work on things, but I'd value a second opinion from someone impartial, often I get the feeling I'm compromising my life for this.
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>> No. 28150 Anonymous
19th February 2019
Tuesday 10:55 pm
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>>28149
You have to support people constructively or they never move forward, failure has to have consequences. Make compromises and be supportive, but set boundaries. Your partner may feel pressure to live up to these expectations, but they should; It's a pressure we all feel and it's healthy.

If things don't change and you move out for a bit, they will either become more open to change and things will improve or they will become resentful. Either way, you'll know where you stand and you can explore new opportunities if they do become resentful.
>> No. 28151 Anonymous
20th February 2019
Wednesday 5:25 am
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You need to think about your role in this. I understand that you're being supportive, but this could be a crutch for her– it might well be stopping her from moving beyond this. Leaving her might hurt for a while, but staying with her while you're 'acting' might hurt her more in the long run.

This isn't about you or her being good or bad– she might be great on paper but that doesn't translate into a fulfilling relationship. Have a think for yourself about what you want. You mentioned sex, which in my mind is quite important and quite valid.

It might take you some time to think it through. Without knowing the specifics, I'd lean towards getting out in the near future. It might be helpful to think about this in terms of where you'll both be in 5 or 10 years or so.

Also, it is down to the individual to address issues they face. My opinion is that it's a bit like Lord of the Rings, "I will help you bear this burden, as long as it is yours to bear". More simply- are you supporting her, or just bearing the load for her?

Lastly, I think you could use a paragraph break or two in your OP.
>> No. 28152 Anonymous
20th February 2019
Wednesday 6:29 am
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>>28149
>I also feel like I can't talk about how I really feel about things with her

One of the most common responses we have to relationship threads on /emo/ but... actually talk to her about it.
>> No. 28161 Anonymous
22nd February 2019
Friday 3:37 am
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>>28149

It may not be all that useful, but as it's all I have, I'll share my own personal experience with you.

In a situation much like yours, I continued my relationship with my wife long after I knew that, for me, the relationship was over. I like to pretend it's somewhere in my top three regrets, but really I know that it's right up there at number one.

I didn't finish things with her because I didn't want to break her heart or, as pitiful as it sounds, to be the "bad guy" in the story. This because there was no real reason for ending things other than the horrible, inconvenient, fact that I'd met someone who I liked a lot more.

Four years later I finally pulled the plug and we've been living separately for about a year now. I've met someone new but it's not really even in the same ball park as that girl I knew all those years ago. We still email back and forth every now and then and joke "maybe when we're old and stable we'll finally get together" and to be honest it breaks my heart all over again.

"A time for everything, and everything in its own time."

Sage for nothing very much of value at all.
>> No. 28177 Anonymous
23rd February 2019
Saturday 12:21 am
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>>28151
>It might be helpful to think about this in terms of where you'll both be in 5 or 10 years or so.

This is a pretty good metric for working out how you feel about someone deep down. Does the thought of staying in this situation in 5 years time fill you with a sense of dread? Or can you actually entertain the idea of things getting better and feeling satisfied? It sounds like even if the second is true, you probably won't get there without communicating these things to her at some point. You shouldn't feel beholden to someone's ability to take care of themselves, as others have said you need to draw a line somewhere between being a crutch for someone and being in a mutual partnership. What may or may not happen to her without you, or even what she does with her life with you, is largely her responsibility. It might help you to try and paint a picture in your mind of what would be a fulfilling relationship for you, and see if you can pin down some specifics for yourself compared with the situation right now that you can then take to her. But yeah, you're not going to get anywhere fast without actually talking to her, mate. Good luck.
>> No. 28184 Anonymous
23rd February 2019
Saturday 12:50 pm
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>>28149

> I also feel like I can't talk about how I really feel about things with her, and that I 'act' a lot around her just to get by.


Unfortunately, this is a pretty straightforward and critical sign that the two of you aren't a good match and aren't meant for each other.

If this is a persistent thing, then the two of you are better off just breaking it off. You may think that it wouldn't be fair on her to just leave her to bumble about through life without you, but it also isn't fair on you to have to stick with her just because the thought of her being on her own worries you. You're supposed to be her boyfriend, not her social worker.

I'm also not sure that this is something that can really be worked out. You aren't just magically going to become soul mates just because you sit down and have a talk about all these things. You either are, or you aren't. And I've seen couples like you two stick together for many years, but in the end always coming back to the realisation that all this time, they were never able to talk to each other, which then made them feel like their relationship was a big waste of time looking back.

I had a relationship like that once, and right after we broke up, a friend actually asked me why I was sad to no longer be with somebody that I very obviously never had much to talk to about. I got angry at him at the time, but probably more because he had hit a nerve. And the revelation came a few months later when I met another lass, and we spent six hours nonstop, without interruption, just talking to each other in my car in a car park on our first date. And I remember going home that night just feeling dumbstruck that that kind of thing was possible. We didn't end up becoming an actual couple because despite our ability to keep a conversation going together for hours on end, we were just too different. But it was a revelation nonetheless, and it opened my eyes for the first time to the fact that if nobody else, your partner really should be the person you can talk to better than anybody else.
>> No. 28188 Anonymous
23rd February 2019
Saturday 7:46 pm
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>>28149

I could have very well written this post myself nine months ago.

Other lads have given some insightful advice, and I'm probably going to be clouded in judgement because of how much it feels like it hits home, but what I can tell you is that I got out of there and I'm completely glad that I did.

With distance and separation, it became clear to me that my sense of duty, care, and compassion towards a girl I perceived as naive and helpless were utterly misguided. She may have seemed defenceless and innocent but in reality she was perfectly capable of looking after herself- Better so than me, in fact, and I have to seriously question whether she was purposely exploiting and emotionally blackmailing me. I'm not saying it's the case for you, lad, but it's very easy not to realise when you are being manipulated; and the people who do that kind of thing to you will make it very difficult to judge with clarity.

What really made it apparent for me, is how she spent a couple of hours crying and begging me not to leave her- But after that, it was like a switch had flipped. She dropped the act and I saw I side of her I never imagined, a vengeful and nasty woman who I can only assume never really cared for me as a person, but merely for the status of being a "successful adult" in a relationship and had a flat together etc etc. She had no friends to speak of while we were together, but she didn't have any problem making new ones the moment I broke up with her. It was a revelation.

The most important part of this is, as another lad has said, you don't feel like you can talk to her. I was the same. When I look back on it it was crazy, sometimes I felt genuinely afraid to show my true feelings in case it started an argument, and that's a big indicator something is wrong. The times I did talk to her, nothing changed. If you can't open up to a person, and if that person dismisses it when you do, it simply cannot last.

Obviously I am assuming a lot from an imageboard post but I feel like you could do with hearing this kind of perspective.
>> No. 28189 Anonymous
24th February 2019
Sunday 12:05 am
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>>28188

>you don't feel like you can talk to her. I was the same. When I look back on it it was crazy, sometimes I felt genuinely afraid to show my true feelings in case it started an argument, and that's a big indicator something is wrong.

That is definitely not good. And it is often something that didn't just happen because a relationship took a wrong turn somewhere, something that you can just go back to and undo, but it's been that way from the beginning. Because quite often, when you first meet somebody, you know instinctively that you need to play a certain role in order for that person to really find you attractive and go out with you. And a relationship then unfolds on the false premise that you are a kind of person that you really aren't.

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