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>> No. 28562 Anonymous
27th May 2019
Monday 2:59 pm
28562 Office banter
All right, mates, I need some help.

I had a long period of complete social isolation following serious health problems. I've found a pointless office job, in two weeks I will start. My problem is that I have completely lost my "social banter" function. Whenever I am in the middle of people I just want to be somewhere else or to strangle every single one of them. I can find nothing to talk about, and I have no answer for what they tell me. When they share experiences, they are so different from mine that it's like speaking with a creature from another species. Any clue? What are office people bantering about? GoT? Football?
Expand all images.
>> No. 28563 Anonymous
27th May 2019
Monday 3:28 pm
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Inane things mostly.
Footie, serials, internet shite (aka memes), what the last silly thing their did. Whatever.
Don't fret about it too much. I can't be arsed to even pretend that I care about any of those things yet I fare pretty fine. People just accept it at some point or it seems like they do.
>> No. 28564 Anonymous
27th May 2019
Monday 3:29 pm
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Actually, just let the others do the talking.
>> No. 28566 Anonymous
27th May 2019
Monday 3:56 pm
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It's worse than it seems. I tend to spend entire days without saying a single word. Sometimes I am forced to answer with a grunt and a nod because I cannot articulate spoken language anymore. Two years of social isolation have turned me into a grunting caveman. The few times I utter a sentence I end up offending everyone in a 50 meters radius. When I write or read I feel normal, when I try to speak I look like the gentleman in pic. I have no idea on what to do.
>> No. 28567 Anonymous
27th May 2019
Monday 4:26 pm
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Most people worry about whether they're interesting, but nobody worries about whether they're a good listener. That's an obvious and highly exploitable asymmetry. Being a good listener isn't especially difficult and it makes people feel good about talking to you. Conversely, the most common complaint about bad conversations is "the boring bastard wouldn't stop droning on about himself".

Ignorance of pop culture is an advantage, because it gives you the opportunity to ask sincere questions. Feeling like you've got nothing to say is an advantage, because you won't end up trying to monopolise the conversation.

Smile, nod, ask open-ended questions. It's really as simple as that, it just takes a little bit of practice to make it a habit. If someone says "did you see the game last night", it's fine to say "No, I don't follow football" as long as you follow it up with "What team do you support?" and then "How are they doing this season?". If someone says "Did you see the finale of Game of Thrones?", it's fine to say "No, I haven't seen any of it" as long as you follow it up with "I keep hearing it's really good, what's it about?".

All of those bollocks hairdresser questions are really useful cold openers - what did you do at the weekend, have you got any holidays planned, that sort of thing. They're not particularly interesting in and of themselves, but they're a really useful way of gauging what sort of person you're talking to and what they might be interested in.

Failing all that, it's not illegal to be the antisocial prick in the office.
>> No. 28568 Anonymous
27th May 2019
Monday 5:11 pm
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> what the last silly thing their sprog did
A very quick fix innit.
I don't even remember redacting that part of the sentence.
>> No. 28569 Anonymous
27th May 2019
Monday 5:43 pm
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Is the OP's image bait? Where I work probably isn't representative of your average workplace (nothing in healthcare is, I think you need a particularly dark sense of humour to get on with it) but we almost pride ourselves on the fact that we don't pull any punches with the banter.

We make jokes at each other daily that could get us the sack if we had one overly touchy feminist or ethnic with a chip on their shoulder. The important part is that we all know not to push it too far, and that the banter is a sign of genuine acceptance rather than that annoying overcompensation to try make sure you're not racist/homophobic etc because deep inside, you worry you actually might be.

Frankly THE BANTZ, as vile as it might be to outsiders, is what has kept me in my job. The people feel more genuine because we take the piss out of the lad who's bird won't let him get any more tattoos and has him on a diet by leaving a fake rubber pair of balls on his desk, or the ginger lad who gets sunburn in autumn, or the one lass who's so prim and proper we've decided she's a Jane Austen character but has a massive collection of sex toys.

I realise most workplaces aren't quite as laid back, but fuck me I don't know how people cope when the people you work with aren't also your mates. You literally spend more time with them than you do with your family, how can you have it any other way?
>> No. 28570 Anonymous
27th May 2019
Monday 6:25 pm
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Download "The Like Switch" off libgen. It's a pretty good refresher course on how human beings relate to one another if you've forgotten.
>> No. 28571 Anonymous
27th May 2019
Monday 6:26 pm
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I find workplace banter really hard. The last couple of jobs I've had, the people who worked there all got along and were close friends and they'd all go out together and have inside jokes and shit. Whenever any of them tried to talk to me I'd only be able to give monosyllabic responses due to being a socially retarded autist, and I could feel their hatred of me grow. They'd have parties and outings where literally every member of staff would go except me. So I empathise with you OP.
>> No. 28572 Anonymous
27th May 2019
Monday 6:43 pm
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It will probably the same with me, but I would be happy with that. I gave up on all social interactions and dating in 2015. I just hope that the HR won't fire me because I am "not a good cultural fit with the rest of the company", that would be a bummer. I am going to have some "icebreaking" moment with the HR next week, I am sure that it would be like a Mr.Bean sketch, but without the fun.

BTW, are you still working there or not?
>> No. 28573 Anonymous
27th May 2019
Monday 6:48 pm
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I had to do online courses on Safeguarding, Inclusiveness and Equality and Diversity to be eligible for the job, so the image is quite representative.
>> No. 28574 Anonymous
27th May 2019
Monday 7:24 pm
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>> No. 28576 Anonymous
27th May 2019
Monday 10:17 pm
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No, no BBC for me.
>> No. 28577 Anonymous
27th May 2019
Monday 11:46 pm
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I mean, you have to do those for any job these days; but that has never stopped anyone making an off colour joke when they know their colleagues will take it as such. Just make sure you don't have any of those Twitter moral guardian types around to spoil it.

I have worked in places where apparently nobody has any sense of humour, but I can't imagine the torture it would be to work there. That's the kind of place I'd simply prefer to be the antisocial cunt who doesn't talk to anyone. They can't sack you for being quiet, but if your colleagues are boring why bother.
>> No. 28586 Anonymous
30th May 2019
Thursday 12:39 am
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It's a common trend in HR, if you cannot fit with the "spirit" of the company you are not "a good cultural fit" and you must be kicked out during the probation time, no matter how skilled you are.

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