|>>|| No. 28595
I'm trying to sort out my thoughts before going to the doctors. I want to find the core problems that keep cropping up for me.
My mental health has never been good (in school it was absolutely terrible) but these days I have enough coping mechanisms that I can make myself feel good enough when I need to. Which I think masks the problems I do have, until I get to a crisis point where I'll suddenly be hit with some clarity. But all it takes after that is the smallest bit of optimism to completely erase what I'd been trying to figure out about my problems, I just can't think of myself as being sick when a lot of people clearly have it worse.
One of the core components is talking to people.
I am ok with it now but it leaves me with a lot of unease, even with people I'd like to consider friends. I think this is quite visible, as people do seem quite reluctant to engage with me. I try to mask my issues as much as possible, and I try to be friendly, but I struggle a lot with banter so I think I seem a bit cold.
It also leaves me quite open to more immature colleagues to target me and make me feel like shit. It's a problem in most jobs just because I constantly feel drained in typical minimum wage, highly social workplaces.
Another thing is a lot of the time in situations I do talk to people I feel a bit of a headrush of a sort. I think due to stress.
And aside from anything else I stumble over my words frequently.
I think I've been coping with this poorly. It's difficult for me to figure out my plans for the future because I always have this specter of social ineptitude over my shoulders (would I even be able to get hired? Will I fit in to any company?), and it saps my motivation. I've been trying hard to improve but it's so insidious I feel like I can't get rid of it.
At least I'm lucky to have finally found a girlfriend that cares about me, she suffers a lot of the same but has had it managed better since high school, so she keeps my hopes up.