Here’s what happened. We went to a restaurant. It's cash-only. She put £10 down. I go and get £20 from an ATM, return to the restaurant, put £20 down, and take her £10. She wanted to try my jacket earlier, and we're still wearing one another's jackets. I put £10 in her jacket pocket, and wear it back to mine. Next morning, my flatmate asks for cash to pay a cleaner, and I can’t find the tenner. Later that day we go to a bar. It’s cash only. She says she’ll pay, gets £10 from her purse, then looks sheepish, then looks at me and says, “Oh, I think I made a mistake. I think I took your money”.
I ask her why. She said she got confused. It surprises her that it’s a big deal for me. We go and sit down. I say “I don’t trust you”. She said she was confused. She’s upset, and cries. After a while, she says she doesn’t think we can be together because she doesn’t want to be with somebody who doesn’t trust her, who thinks she’s a thief. We talk, it calms, and we make up.
Except every time I replay the episode, it hurts. I’m quite free with my money with my friends, and the cynic in me thinks she thought I wouldn’t miss it. Then she realised that I would notice, so she tried to pass it off as a mistake. She said she was confused when she put the money in her wallet. But when she got it out again, she came to a realisation that she'd mistakenly taken my money (the minutiae: her £10 in the restaurant was her last cash; she said she realised her mistake when she went to pay at the bar because she'd used her last cash in the restaurant; the smaller minutiae, she knew I knew she'd used all her cash).
Very sorry for the finickityness of the situation. It hurts me because I like her, and because it's so stupid. We've spent a lot of money doing things together over the past 6 months. I wonder whether I should press her for an explanation that she probably can't provide. I think a positive course of action would be to not raise it again, start looking elsewhere, and in the time it takes to get anything else going, see if I'm able to trust her again.
The tenner is a distraction and you ought to step back and look at the bigger picture. That said;
>I think a positive course of action would be to not raise it again, start looking elsewhere, and in the time it takes to get anything else going, see if I'm able to trust her again.
Sounds like you don't really like the bird in the first place. This juvenile plan that you can 'look elsewhere, but give her a chance, but also not' is not the proper conduct of a man.
Why are you being such a twat over £10? Even if you didn't know her there should be a benefit of the doubt for the first try.
>I ask her why. She said she got confused. It surprises her that it’s a big deal for me. We go and sit down. I say “I don’t trust you”. She said she was confused. She’s upset, and cries. After a while, she says she doesn’t think we can be together because she doesn’t want to be with somebody who doesn’t trust her, who thinks she’s a thief. We talk, it calms, and we make up.
Break it off with her because you've fucked it with paranoia. I don't much fancy spending the next 20 years reading up on how she brought this story back up in another argument you were both having.
>>29095 It seems odd that she’d pinch a tenner if the two of you are flush enough to be regularly dining out, nor does it seem unlikely it might have been a mistake given I found it difficult enough following your own retelling of events. Was this evening meal preceded or punctuated by any alcoholic beverages perchance? I’m also uneasy with how unmoved you were by your girlfriend of at least six months breaking out into tears.
Your Honour, if her fella’s a prick, she must get rid.
Seems entirely plausible that she found a tenner in her own coat pocket, thought it was one of those pocket tenners you sometimes leave in a jacket and forget about, and stuck it in her purse, happy at the surprise windfall, but not entirely sure how she hadn't noticed it before. Then when she's pulled it out the next day in your presence, her brain has put the pieces of the mystery together and she's realised it was your tenner all along - I'd look sheepish too. Then the next words out of her partners mouth are "I don't trust you"
If that's really OP, then good lad for recognising it. We all make mistakes and we all (or most of us, anyway) act like cunts for one reason or another at some point. If I could take back some of the things I've said and done in one fit of rage or depression or whatever....
Anyway the point is to try to recognise these things, learn from it when you can and, if possible, try to effect change.
I don't think OP is emotionally mature enough to have relationships.
They don't seem like the are capable of dealing with any problems without looking for a sinister motive. I'm also concerned with the pushing them to tears. I think this story ends in OP being one of those abusive controlling people who acts like nothing is their fault. And they can't help but take restitution for any grievance to the absurd where as a normal person wouldn't even perceive a grievance had happened.
OP lad overreacted for a tenner , obviously, and it'd have been better to let it slide if it was the first time anything of the sort had happened.
That said, can I ask you lads- How much money does a bird have to accidentally nick before it does become a problem for you? Or, for that matter, how many times would you give the benefit of the doubt before you started to get suspicious? Not trying to be a cunt just genuinely posing the question for debate.
For instance, my ex developed a habit of "accidentally" overspending, and me having to front her half of the rent. I let her off the first couple of times, naturally, but I had to say no eventually. If I'd let her carry on, I'd only be setting the precedent that it's okay for her to behave with complete financial irresponsibility, and I'd always be there to pull her out.
At the time I wondered if I was being similarly petty to the OP in this instance, but I feel pretty confident drawing a line was the right thing to do. It can be a hard thing to judge in anything other than hindsight.
>How much money does a bird have to accidentally nick before it does become a problem for you?
Probably it would have to be a couple of hundred quid before I started having doubts about it being an accident.
>how many times would you give the benefit of the doubt before you started to get suspicious?
It's one of those "know it when I see it" type judgements. I've had girlfriends that were just a bit scatterbrained, so a lot of things I'd assume were her being thick rather than thieving. Then I've had others that were very organised and I'd find it hard to believe they would make the same mistake more than a couple of times. It's not hard to identify a pattern in this sort of thing, I'm speaking from experience, not with a partner but with a family member.
When it comes to rent and loaning money to your partner, I'm much the same as you, it's fine in general but if you overspend every month and rely on me to dig you out then you're being a knob.
>>29107 >How much money does a bird have to accidentally nick before it does become a problem for you? Or, for that matter, how many times would you give the benefit of the doubt before you started to get suspicious?
I don't see why the amount would matter beyond simple plausibility. The smart answer is if it makes you suspicious then you try to confirm it first which may involve leaving money out or thinking about whether this conforms with a picture of her character in general.
Become a shameless gold-digger with a mommy-complex, lads. You merely have to watch out that most of your clothes don't become her 'presents'.
>For instance, my ex developed a habit of "accidentally" overspending, and me having to front her half of the rent