|>>|| No. 31475
This is a bit meandering. I'm not sure what the actual problem is, because the solutions are obvious. I think I just want to vent and look for people who may have similar experiences or proclivities.
I know the easy answer is weed vape, but it's too easy and I'll just end up stoned all the time again. I want to control my weed use like I've managed to with my alcohol. 11 years ago I was on a 70CL of Whyte & Mackay a night, 5 years ago I'd have to finish every drink in the house before I could call it a night. A couple of years ago I guess I got control of it and now it's absolutely no bother to have a spirits cabinet and leave beers in the fridge, and just have a single beer, or a single glass off wine and leave the bottle. I don't know what's changed. Same with sugar as well, I used to be a fucking fiend but now I can take it or leave it. Actual sugar I mean, not coke. Wanking's a tough one but it really depends on how busy I am.
So can I get there with weed, or is it too risky to try considering I obviously have an addictive personality?
I stopped blazin' a week ago. I've done this for the last 3 Januaries for a couple of weeks, never with the intention of 'quitting' but just gaining some control over it. Of course when I felt in control, I'd go back to smoking every day because I was doing nothing bar work and video games. Now I'm doing an AAT level 3 which would be my first qualification since my incredibly useful Classics degree, and I think that will help galvanize me because I don't want to be forgetting everything I learn and I actually need some sort of credibility in my industry.
I've been smoking most days since uni, and basically every day since I graduated 10 years ago. Maybe a gram of whatever a day on average, always mixed with baccy. I used to use it for specific reasons, because it stopped me feeling sad about relationship dramas or relaxed me or it was with mates or, or...but then a few years ago it just became an all-the-time thing. Before work at the bar, before work at the call center, but only once or twice since I got into accounting and only when I was really fucked off about something.
I don't really like this. I don't know how to unwind without weed; video games don't work, reading doesn't work, meditation doesn't work although I could give it more of a shot. And while I should definitely not be smoking every day for no reason, a joint definitely has a use. I never used to smoke pure weed rollups because it burned my throat in a kind of weird way, almost like an excess of mint. I tried again for the first time in a decade or so this December and had none of that, I couldn't feel any physical sensation in the throat at all tbh, which I assume is because of the cumulative damage - but I then realized the sensation I crave is the burn of some mildly dry baccy/weed mix, and the feeling I want is of being a little bit blazed but by no means monged. I've avoided stuff like Amnesia now because it's just couch-lock and I'm kind of past that (and fucking Star 'Dawg', what the hell is that? Tastes like petrol).
I'm also down to...well, I've had 2 cigarettes today, usually I have up to 10-12 when I'm working and zero when I'm just at home doing nothing because why smoke tabs when you can smoke joints when you've got no obligations? Anyway, quitting tabs isn't too big a problem, it's the weed that I'm going to always want. Same with booze, only I can easily keep bottles in the cabinet in the fridge without touching them, and I'm perfectly capable of just having one. Which I'm very proud of considering I tried
I feel almost uncomfortable with the moderately increased level of energy I have. I don't want to increased risk of dementia, but that actually looks like it's going the way of the dodo with recent advances so by the time it could hit me it'll probably be quite curable. I hope. But lung cancer won't be, and so I can't keep smoking baccy and shouldn't be inhaling plant matter regardless. Also it can't be good for my brain in general; I was never a good storyteller, and could never structure a joke properly, but I process information quickly, and retain knowledge very well, and I don't want that to decline faster than it has to. Also there's the apathy as well. I know I was always a bit detached and apathetic about people and their problems, unless I could actively solve them (in which case it's the problem rather than the person that I'm interested in), but it's not great.
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