|>>|| No. 29432
Please help lads, I feel I've lost control of my life.
I'm in a bit of a strange rut where I'm not massively happy, I have trouble focusing on things and I'm getting unfairly envious of friends and colleagues.
I have a job that I really enjoy for the most part, but sadly due to the sector, pays very badly for what I actually do. I don't feel that I have the focus, confidence or capacity in my current state to begin applying myself to other pursuits and I wouldn't even begin to know where to look.
Outside of work I do very little. My partner is a full time student (post-grad and she's older than me) so on top of doing all of the household stuff whilst she focuses on work, it also means that our household income is quite low due to her not working. This is where I get a bit jealous of others who are off doing interesting things or buying houses (I have about £20,000 saved for a deposit but cant get a mortgage on my sole income) as both of them work. I realise that it is unfair for me to feel this way, but I can't help but feel this way.
I struggle to find much enjoyment in things so other than work, domestic bits and cooking, I tend to spend a lot of my time sat drinking and watching YouTube videos/listening to music and getting all nostalgic when my partner is in bed.
Whilst not a huge drinker (only beers, not spirits) I have noticed that I have become consistent. Even if it is only two or three cans a night sometimes, I haven't had a day free or alcohol in five weeks. It hit me the other day that it could be a concerning amount. At what point is too much?
The shittier part of me losing control is a few blips I have had with escorts. Now and again I work away, and since October I have used them four times. No idea why, I didn't really enjoy the experiences, and felt awful afterwards for doing something like this against my partner. I have no idea what has come over me.
Sometimes I'm okay, sometimes I get angry and punch myself for no reason, sometimes I want to end it.
I have a great family (who I wish I could see more of) and a partner who is very loving (if sometimes smothering and high maintenance).
I realise that this is very badly written and inconsistent. I'm happy to post about things in more depth, I just needed to get something out in some form. I need help lads, or at least some advice.