How do you work up the courage to ask for help and to actually act on decent advice?
I feel stuck in a rut (well have done for some time) and my anxiety and general misery doesn't seem to shift, and regret builds.
I have always struggled with deciding what I actually want out of life. When you are younger this isn't so much of an issue, but I'm 29 now and I feel I have rapidly fallen behind due to being indecisive. Whilst I have it better than a lot of people, I'm still not happy with where I am, or at least not with the options it gives me for the future. The future is no longer something I look forward to, but rather something that frightens me as I realise I have wasted many opportunities and made some bad decisions that have left me stuck in this rut. There are of course a lot of things that concern me about the future that I have little control over (political and social factors for example) that I shouldn't factor in too much, although they do make me incredibly anxious sometimes.
My parents are great, and whilst I know they love and support me, we don't speak emotionally (apart from once when my dad was very drunk and I was 21, that was nice). When I had a bit of a freak out around Christmas time, they said that if there was any issue to just tell them, they can't promise to have the solution but it's better I share things with them. Whilst I agree, it is much easier to say that than to actually honestly share my feelings and concerns (I can only ever seem to do that anonymously online). I also feel that at 29, I shouldn't be burdening them with problems, I should be at an age where I can help them out but I can't really (not that they need help).
On that note, I have had reasonable advice given online or by friends, and whilst it makes sense on paper, it is often hard to have the courage to act on it sometimes.
I was watching Withnail and I last night, and one of Danny's lines stuck with me more than normal: "If you're hanging on to a rising balloon, you're presented with a difficult decision - let go before it's too late or hang on and keep getting higher, posing the question: how long can you keep a grip on the rope? " - I'm scared I'm passing the point of no return.
I realise this is a rambly post, so to summarise, what is the best way to realise what you want and to stick to it, and how best to work up the courage to take on advice and ask for help?
That's a hard one, not just for the meta-quality of giving advice on how to take advice, but the individual motivations involved which actually push someone into acting.
I made a decision around 25 to really apply myself to life in a way I hadn't before. Like you, I had this impending sense of limited time, and I realised a lot of the things I envisioned myself doing would take a tremendous amount of commitment and forward planning if they were ever going to happen.
Emotionally, I realised I was very afraid of being embarrassed or otherwise uncomfortable in my efforts, but I also realised that the pain of never attempting to get what I want would be far greater than the pain of being humiliated or hurt while trying.
Sorry for the cliche response, but that's basically how it went. For the past five or six years I've obsessively planned out my life in a spreadsheet which directly relates my career to my job to my budget, month by month in concrete steps; save up this much, apply for this job, get on this training course, move to this area, all in service of achieving this goal. I check in every few weeks or so to adjust course.
It's not glamorous, but it works. I've achieved more than I thought possible in this time, and at the best of times it feels like I have control over my life.
As for actually finding the motivation -- well, I can only offer more advice which you might not take. It'll take some introspection on your part to figure out why you find it difficult to act, but from the sounds of it, it's related to a lack of overall direction. What inspires you? What do you want your life to look like?
I personally built my foundation on reading. Fiction, history, things which I felt orientated me in the world in some kind of definable position. Once I developed that base, I drew a lot of inspiration from biographies of real life people, and literature that deals especially with finding purpose. Of course, what worked for me may not work for you.
Sidenote,
>I also feel that at 29, I shouldn't be burdening them with problems, I should be at an age where I can help them out but I can't really (not that they need help).
Very rarely is that feeling justified, in my opinion. Most people, and especially mates, like feeling useful and knowledgeable. It's flattering to have your achievements in something be recognised and then being sought out for advice.
I took out a help to buy ISA, something I'd been putting off for ages, and that helped me feel like I've taken control of things. In reality fuck all has changed except a direct debit for £200 a month but it's progress, and best of all progress I don't have to think about, but know is happening in the background automatically.
That's just the thing though. "In reality" fuck all changes most of the time. I want you to try a little thought experiment with me here: Say you wake up tomorrow and you decide overcome all your anxieties and burdens, by some miracle you're just rejuvenated and filled with confidence. Physically, tangibly, what actually would you be doing differently?
It's little differences here and there mostly. When you think about it bluntly and objectively like this, that's when you realise just how little power you really have over the grander course of life, but how much power you have over the things you do have power over. Say you want to sort out your career for example- In practice it's not some big drastic change, it's just logging onto Monster for half an hour each night and sending off a few more CVs. If you want to lose weight, it's not actually a huge ordeal- It's just a matter of giving up the twix and packet of crisps at lunchtime.
90% of the rest of your life, in the meantime, will still go on unchanged, on autopilot, in the meantime. But you'll have the peace of mind knowing you are doing something.
Danny says read a book about Taoism and wu-wei, that ought to sort you out.
