|>>|| No. 30119
Right, long post incoming.
Woke up anxious as fuck and very teary this morning and I think I've been kicking inaction down the road for too long.
I'm 29, turning 30 in January and life isn't quite how I anticipated it would be. It's not all bad and I'm sure no ones life is how they really wanted it to be, but the last few years and the last year in particular I feel I have really gone off the rails and fallen behind. I'm unmotivated, indecisive and I think I'm depressed.
I met with a friend I hadn't seen in months last night for a few drinks and a catch up. He's doing well, he's now been married a year, they've had an offer accepted for a house and will be moving in a few weeks and because of COVID he now works from home permanently and has had a £5,000 pay rise due to them getting rid of the offices. I am of course happy for them and I hate the envy that I feel.
As for me, I'm in a job that I do really enjoy and it is very varied, but because of the sector I'm on £18,200 and I have had none of the pay rises that I was promised, even if I work more hours and have to travel for work more than any of my friends.
A lot of these sounds petty and I know everything isn't about money but it is disheartening, especially when at the beginning of my 20s I was speaking at conferences abroad and involved in loads of interesting project work. I have stagnated. Obviously this is my fault, but I seem to have a severe lack of motivation, drive and focus. I want it back.
I'm also in a relationship with someone who I have been with for nearly 6 years. They want to get married, will probably leave soon if I don't propose and I don't know what to do. I feel too old to start over but don't know if I should actually do it either. They're older than me, still studying and working part time so essentially there isn't really a second income.
Only two of my friends still speak to me and my friend's wife no longer does due to a bust up her and my partner had before her wedding.
Last November I fell down a weird rabbit whole and had encounters with two escorts. The experiences were awful and I regret them. Thankfully I have never done it again but I do browse profiles online just for the sake of it sometimes, quite a lot. I also look at porn very frequently, even if I don't masturbate. Last night I called a sex chat line and just ended up having a rather boring conversation, probably chucking £30 away if not more. I have no idea why I did that.
I'm not an alcoholic but I do feel I use alcohol as a crutch sometime, to calm me down or at least put me in a comfortable spot where I can deal with the misery better. I probably average 10 - 15 cans a week, although I do have the odd week where I don't drink at all.
I'm out of shape and I've lost most of my hair.
My sisters is five years younger than me, earns more and has a house with her partner who actually has his head screwed on. I feel such shame for this. I remember when I was applying for university my dad was joking about me buying hima flash car when I graduate and make the big money, but he just gave me his old car as I had to scrap mine as it was costing too much to keep running.
I struggle to enjoy my hobbies and interests.
I can't sleep properly.
I realise this is a mess of a post and there is probably more that I haven't mentioned. I just need to vent and try and get some advice on how to get my life back on track.
In short, I am out of shape, I'm underpaid for what I do and lack focus and confidence to either chase a pay rise or get another job, I have no idea what to do relationship wise which will not only hamr myself but my partner which is unfair. I use alcohol as a crutch and I probably have some form of porn addiction.
I was always motivated, clean cut. A very well behaved and meek child who people thought would do great things. How the fuck did this happen.
Please help me, any advice is welcome. Feel free to ask more.