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>> No. 30119 Anonymous
16th October 2020
Friday 4:14 pm
30119 How Do I Fix My Life?
Right, long post incoming.

Woke up anxious as fuck and very teary this morning and I think I've been kicking inaction down the road for too long.

I'm 29, turning 30 in January and life isn't quite how I anticipated it would be. It's not all bad and I'm sure no ones life is how they really wanted it to be, but the last few years and the last year in particular I feel I have really gone off the rails and fallen behind. I'm unmotivated, indecisive and I think I'm depressed.

I met with a friend I hadn't seen in months last night for a few drinks and a catch up. He's doing well, he's now been married a year, they've had an offer accepted for a house and will be moving in a few weeks and because of COVID he now works from home permanently and has had a £5,000 pay rise due to them getting rid of the offices. I am of course happy for them and I hate the envy that I feel.

As for me, I'm in a job that I do really enjoy and it is very varied, but because of the sector I'm on £18,200 and I have had none of the pay rises that I was promised, even if I work more hours and have to travel for work more than any of my friends.

A lot of these sounds petty and I know everything isn't about money but it is disheartening, especially when at the beginning of my 20s I was speaking at conferences abroad and involved in loads of interesting project work. I have stagnated. Obviously this is my fault, but I seem to have a severe lack of motivation, drive and focus. I want it back.

I'm also in a relationship with someone who I have been with for nearly 6 years. They want to get married, will probably leave soon if I don't propose and I don't know what to do. I feel too old to start over but don't know if I should actually do it either. They're older than me, still studying and working part time so essentially there isn't really a second income.

Only two of my friends still speak to me and my friend's wife no longer does due to a bust up her and my partner had before her wedding.

Last November I fell down a weird rabbit whole and had encounters with two escorts. The experiences were awful and I regret them. Thankfully I have never done it again but I do browse profiles online just for the sake of it sometimes, quite a lot. I also look at porn very frequently, even if I don't masturbate. Last night I called a sex chat line and just ended up having a rather boring conversation, probably chucking £30 away if not more. I have no idea why I did that.

I'm not an alcoholic but I do feel I use alcohol as a crutch sometime, to calm me down or at least put me in a comfortable spot where I can deal with the misery better. I probably average 10 - 15 cans a week, although I do have the odd week where I don't drink at all.

I'm out of shape and I've lost most of my hair.

My sisters is five years younger than me, earns more and has a house with her partner who actually has his head screwed on. I feel such shame for this. I remember when I was applying for university my dad was joking about me buying hima flash car when I graduate and make the big money, but he just gave me his old car as I had to scrap mine as it was costing too much to keep running.

I struggle to enjoy my hobbies and interests.

I can't sleep properly.

I realise this is a mess of a post and there is probably more that I haven't mentioned. I just need to vent and try and get some advice on how to get my life back on track.

In short, I am out of shape, I'm underpaid for what I do and lack focus and confidence to either chase a pay rise or get another job, I have no idea what to do relationship wise which will not only hamr myself but my partner which is unfair. I use alcohol as a crutch and I probably have some form of porn addiction.

I was always motivated, clean cut. A very well behaved and meek child who people thought would do great things. How the fuck did this happen.

Please help me, any advice is welcome. Feel free to ask more.
Expand all images.
>> No. 30120 Anonymous
16th October 2020
Friday 4:31 pm
30120 spacer
Well, what do you actually want?
>> No. 30121 Anonymous
16th October 2020
Friday 4:52 pm
30121 spacer
You're depressed. It sounds like a mix of a quarter-life crisis and general 2020 malaise. See your GP and ask them about treatment options. The availability of talk therapy is even more patchy than usual, but I'd recommend giving antidepressant medication a try for a couple of months - it might do nothing for you, but it might be the boost you need to get yourself sorted.

Starting an exercise regime is probably a good idea for your physical and mental health; exercise is a natural anti-depressant and getting fitter will give you a sense of control and remind your subconscious mind that there are things you can do to improve your life.

More broadly, your post suggests that you're overly worried about the expectations of other people and don't really have an internal sense of your own worth. I'd suggest having a think about what you'd like to do purely for yourself, just for the fun of it. Maybe you'd like to take up a new hobby or learn a new skill, maybe you'd like to retrain and try a different career, it doesn't really matter - it's about what you want to do with your time. If you have a think about what you'd like to do and just see a big wall of fuck-all, then I'd refer you back to the first paragraph.
>> No. 30123 Anonymous
16th October 2020
Friday 5:30 pm
30123 spacer

I just want some direction and to feel happy again. I want the old me back. Not to feel I've wasted the last five years.


I am very wary of anti-depressents, I have seen people become very different after starting them.

It might sound silly, but how do you gain a sense of your own worth?

I know that I shouldn't worry too much about others expectations but it's hard not to feel like a burden and a complete dissapointment sometimes. I want what other people have sometimes.
>> No. 30126 Anonymous
17th October 2020
Saturday 12:30 am
30126 spacer
The first thing you need to do is stop comparing yourself to other people, that's a dead end. Compare yourself to how you were a year ago. Don't like the comparison? Then you know you need to change. Like the other lad said, exercise works wonder for your mental health.

Secondly, learn to be grateful for your position. I know this is your standard "be grateful for what you have" shite you see plastered all over single Mum Facebook, but it really is the truth. Take stock of the things you actually have in life and be grateful for them. For one, you have a partner who loves you enough to want to get married to you. There's lads on this board, me included, who would give a kidney to experience this. I'm aware of how dull, boring and depressing partners can be at times, when you just want to sink a bottle of whiskey and go off the deep end but writing off 6 years for a night's worth of debauchery really isn't worth it mate. If you really want to jump off the deep end, you can do, just don't expect others to follow you, they know what's at the bottom.

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