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>> No. 30156 Anonymous
17th November 2020
Tuesday 9:11 am
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I realise this might sound like a non-issue to some, but I genuinely think my libido/how I think of sex/my sexual habits are endangering a great relationship.

I'm currently living with my girlfriend, and we're having sex probably around four times per week. The way we have it, and the frequency, makes me very happy. I wouldn't want to change anything about it.

Yet I'm still finding myself with a constant "itch". Before we got together, I was playing around with Tinder and similar dating apps after having moved to a new city, and I had loads of fun. Before this, I hadn't been with anyone in maybe two or three years, and to jump back into that was a bit overwhelming. It was partly exhausting, partly thrilling.

I really enjoy the pursuit, flirting, getting to know someone, and finally getting to the intimate stages. I'm not hugely proud of this, but there were times I was involved with more than one girl, under the pretence I wasn't (or at least omission of the fact). That was a shit feeling, I told everyone involved, and I've learned to be more upfront and honest, in that respect.

Now, though, I'm in a pretty healthy and mutually supportive relationship. I don't know where the "itch" is coming from. It may be a bit more complicated than just biology. As stupid as it sounds, I think I just enjoy the freedom to see others (and be seen as) a sexual being more than the rutting.

But I'm also aware I'm going down a really stupid path for the sake of feeling desirable(?) or sexually satisfied. I now find myself casually browsing porn, noticing the body language of girls when I'm out, and (even though I'm a bit ashamed of the thought) wondering what I might find if I quietly put myself on one of those dating apps.

I haven't, and I'd like to think I wouldn't, but something obviously needs to be changed here. I'm already thinking I should curb the porn viewing, and try to channel the energy into something else (I'm already exercising a lot).

Have you lads experienced anything like this? I don't want to hurt the feelings of my girlfriend, or imply that sex between us "isn't enough", because that's not the case. I have a feeling this is tied a lot more to the way I came into the relationship (total deprivation to sudden exposure) than the relationship itself.

tl;dr: Excess lust, what do I do with it when I'm already in a good, sexually active relationship?
Expand all images.
>> No. 30157 Anonymous
17th November 2020
Tuesday 9:17 am
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Sorry I'll read your post in a minute, my attention was just drawn to the bloke on the left in your picture who is apparently being turned on by a kitten video.
>> No. 30158 Anonymous
17th November 2020
Tuesday 10:36 am
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>>30156
So you're having sex four times a week with your live-in girlfriend, who you really like, and you want more sex than that?
>> No. 30159 Anonymous
17th November 2020
Tuesday 11:10 am
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>>30158

It seems so. I'm not claiming it's a reasonable need, I'm just trying to understand it so that it doesn't affect my relationship.

Like I say, I'm not even sure it's about the need to get off as much as enjoying the attention, the give-and-take element of the flirting, and getting to explore variety more than I ever had right before getting into this relationship.

I don't know if just ignoring it is an option. I can certainly take steps to not make the feeling worse.
>> No. 30160 Anonymous
17th November 2020
Tuesday 11:28 am
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>>30159
If you're currently happier than you would be single, I think you may have to put up with it.

In our current monogamous society, there's being with one individual, and there's The Chase. You can't have both. (Unless you want to risk floating the idea of an open relationship to your girlfriend, who would have to have no insecurity whatsoever for that not to be a bad idea.)
>> No. 30161 Anonymous
17th November 2020
Tuesday 12:19 pm
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>>30160
>Unless you want to risk floating the idea of an open relationship to your girlfriend, who would have to have no insecurity whatsoever for that not to be a bad idea.

That's just the thing, it's a great relationship as-is, and rationally I know it wouldn't add anything to try and introduce sex with other people. That's why I'm approaching this from a "control my psychology/physiology" angle, rather than a "how do I ask her?" angle.
>> No. 30162 Anonymous
17th November 2020
Tuesday 12:48 pm
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I have always felt similarly, though perhaps because I'm a Shit Bastard it never really weighed on me that heavily - I would just wank more and flirt intensely with colleagues, fostering that incredibly exciting tension without ever giving in to it, because anyone playing that game knows that actually shagging really brings the whole thing down.
>> No. 30163 Anonymous
17th November 2020
Tuesday 1:08 pm
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Are these desires ones that could be satisfied by your partner, or does it need to be from elsewhere?
>> No. 30164 Anonymous
17th November 2020
Tuesday 1:49 pm
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I'm exactly the same. You need to be in an open relationship. In my case it's more that, to be blunt, my missus doesn't have the walk to match her talk about kinks and such when we were first getting together, but she doesn't mind me finding it elsewhere.

If you can't face that for some reason, for instance jealousy of all the cock your other half could be getting on the side, well. There's your answer.

Of course none of this can last forever. My libido is declining and the trials of this year have more or less killed it. I have sex with my partner maybe once a week but it's a different kind of sex than I'd have with a fuck buddy. And I don't actually mind at all. The chances are you'll find yourself in the same position eventually.
>> No. 30165 Anonymous
17th November 2020
Tuesday 2:28 pm
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I'm not sure whether it's best of both worlds or having your cake and eating it, too to suggest seeking an open relationship.
>> No. 30166 Anonymous
17th November 2020
Tuesday 2:29 pm
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>>30165
What about shooting yourself in the foot?
>> No. 30183 Anonymous
21st November 2020
Saturday 2:59 pm
30183 OP
Reflected on this a bit more and realised that there may be another contributing factor.

When I thought about it, given that I have a pretty high libido, I'm virtually always the one to initiate sex, and I'm often the one taking more initiative throughout... Partly by dint of what we enjoy, but still.

I wonder if I've set the precedent now that she doesn't need to initiate, but I do wish just at least occasionally she'd express things unprompted, you know?

She has even expressed herself that while she does enjoy sex a lot, she rarely if ever feels the same need for it that I seem to, and says she can and has lived without it.

I obviously don't want her to act on feelings that aren't there, but it would be nice to feel desired in a way that isn't just a reaction to my actions. Does any of this make sense to the both of you?
>> No. 30184 Anonymous
21st November 2020
Saturday 3:21 pm
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>>30160
> In our current monogamous society, there's being with one individual, and there's The Chase.

Not really. We hit post-monogamy about fifty years ago. It's perfectly acceptable to be having multiple casual relationships until you agree to be "exclusive" with someone and if you go into a sexual relationship with even the vague idea that the other party is completely unattached then you're on a long walk off a short pier to heartbreak.

>>30183

In all my long life I don't think I've met more than one or two lasses who'd initiate sex. Even the ones who were ganting on it 24/7 would (due to societal conditioning, in their view) wait for my advances before going at it like a barn door in a hurricane. And that set of "non-initiators" includes the ones forward enough to, once we'd gotten into things, utter edicts such as "I want anal now" or "hit me like you'd hit a man". Women are fucking weird mate.
>> No. 30185 Anonymous
21st November 2020
Saturday 4:13 pm
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Grass is always greener m8

>>30183
So don't initiate it for a bit but still do the things that turn women on and watch her squirm. You can survive a week tossing yourself off in the bathroom I'm sure but she'll crack eventually and have her way with you. You'll both grow from the experience.

As someone with a high sex-drive I know all too well the annoyance of mismatched needs but women rarely talk of their own desires which I suspect is what is at work rather than her being as wooden as she claims. If not then you might want to think about how mismatched you are and how the situation isn't fair on either of you - I'm sure she feels bad that she can't satisfy you in bed.

>>30184
>We hit post-monogamy about fifty years ago.

Maybe in your world but I'd still look at you as a wrong'un for having an open relationship and I've known plenty of people being burned by fuck-buddies because one side is always more into it. Yes, there's lots of women claiming pan-whatever on tumblr but they're headcases.
>> No. 30186 Anonymous
21st November 2020
Saturday 5:18 pm
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>>30183

Not a "woman expert", but don't expect them to initiate sex in a long term relationship. It's biological, so don't take it personally. In my experience, it's worthwhile, assuming you want to stay with her, to compromise and establish a "frequency of sex" expectation, that's not over-rigid; it can vary week by week, but on average it should be N times a week.

Even then, you'll still have that itch for something new (as will she to a lesser extent), because you're a male. It's really not more complicated than biology.
>> No. 30187 Anonymous
21st November 2020
Saturday 6:22 pm
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>>30183

Like I said, m8, open relationship. Give it thought.

It doesn't have to mean you're going out and fucking ten other lasses, that's not the point. The point is that there won't be jealousy that you're caught up in The Chase (which is the part you enjoy the most, you've said so yourself) with someone else.

The whole problem is that the chase is so often better than the catch, and you only get the chase once. After that it's all just getting comfortable with hearing each other fart and learning all their annoying habits.

In practical terms my own relationship is as monogamous as anyone else's 95% of the time, but the difference is my missus doesn't mind the flirty texts I'll be sending to some other bird. Nothing will come of it most of the time because that's just the modern dating scene for you, especially if you go through apps.

But believe me, the weight it lifts from your shoulders not having to be careful what you say or talk about with other girls is huge. Not having to put on a fake version of yourself who totally isn't interested in fucking that one colleague. You probably won't fuck that one colleague, but knowing you're not supposed to feel guilty for wanting to is massive.

It changes the dynamic subtly and makes the intimacy you have with your partner more rewarding. You can look for the answers all you want in terms of "she just doesn't iniotiate enough" or "she doesn't do the (insert fetish here) thing my ex used to love", but ultimately- People don't change much, sex is very instinctual. My experience in relationships is that no matter how much you talk about it and express your desires to each other rationally, it's really either there or it's not, on an instinctual level.

"Maybe if I make lasagne with chorizo tonight, and put mushrooms in it tomorrow, then use a different kind of cheese... Maybe then I won't get bored of eating lasagne every night for the rest of my life."

Just my two penneth but I think a lot of lads in this situation are just denying themselves because you've been conditioned that way, and because you're used to having jealous, possessive girlfriends. Obviously not all lasses are down with it but start gently, maybe float the idea of a threesome, see how she reacts.
>> No. 30188 Anonymous
22nd November 2020
Sunday 4:53 pm
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>>30185
> Maybe in your world ...

Honest question: If you met a lass on a night out and you were both really into each other and you ended up in bed together would you go into that assuming that she's not currently sexually active with anyone else?

A lot of people get hurt in "fuck buddy"* relationships because it's very common for one side to eventually "catch feelings"*. However, it's also very common for people to get hurt for confusing "I'm single" with "I'm not currently sexually active".

As someone who's fallen for the old "I've never had a boyfriend (but I've had nearly 50 sexual partners)" trick I'd rather get hurt by someone who is up-front about only wanting me for sex than someone who is trying to earn my emotional trust via deceit.

In fact, perhaps my world is a fucked up place.

* With apologies for the Americanisms.
>> No. 30189 Anonymous
22nd November 2020
Sunday 9:49 pm
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>>30187
Leave lasagne out of this. If you're tired of pasta, sauce and some filling then you're tired of life.

I also question whether sex is as rigid as you suggest, people grow into each other from my experience. Extremes exist, I for one certainly like to be in charge, but I reckon most people like to get the other off and positive reinforcement can bring plasticity.

>>30188
>If you met a lass on a night out and you were both really into each other and you ended up in bed together would you go into that assuming that she's not currently sexually active with anyone else?

Yes, I'm not sure if you're going in this direction but I'd consider it pretty sketchy if she wouldn't mention that she's seeing someone. And if she did I'd lose all interest. Similarly if she slept with someone else I'd consider our thing over - this being a rule women make abundantly clear before we first have sex every time.

Then again I consider casual sex unfulfilling and recognize that "catching feelings" is a universal recipe for chaos whenever one-side is getting more action. I'm sure you'd feel mighty funny if you're Mrs brought home the Uzbekistan football team.
>> No. 30190 Anonymous
22nd November 2020
Sunday 10:20 pm
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>>30189
> Then again I consider casual sex unfulfilling and recognize that "catching feelings" is a universal recipe for chaos whenever one-side is getting more action. I'm sure you'd feel mighty funny if you're Mrs brought home the Uzbekistan football team.

For what it's worth I'm not the lad suggesting an open relationship as a solution in this thread, I'm merely questioning your, what to me seems like, naivety about people in general.

Coming at my question in >>30188 purely from the perspective of a single person I consider it incredibly naive to assume that anyone that is having casual sex with you isn't also having casual sex with other people (and I also don't see how, unless you don't have sex until after the 10th date and you've met her parents, you can consider the first few times you have sex with someone to be anything other than casual).

In my experience sex comes first, and if you keep on seeing each other you eventually have to make a decision if you're exclusive / moving towards an exclusive relationship or not. The question of "are you seeing anyone else" will inevitably come from one party or the other within a few weeks of seeing each other regularly and that's generally the sign that that party is starting to like you for reasons beyond looks/physicality/sex.

With all that said, however, I often find myself lamenting on this site that I might simply have spent my life around very much the wrong kind of person and/or on the wrong side of many a track.

Such is life. Sage.
>> No. 30191 Anonymous
22nd November 2020
Sunday 11:15 pm
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>>30190
There's a difference between casual sex and seeing someone but you won't spell out seeing someone until your months into it. My experience is you will either go on a few dates before sex or be exclusively "casual" for about 5 minutes before its implied that you're seeing each other. I don't know how you could be missing the seeing phase unless you're jumping into things.

I'm a good boy who buys a lass flowers a couple weeks into it though, so by accident I've probably been making clear my intentions.

>With all that said, however, I often find myself lamenting on this site that I might simply have spent my life around very much the wrong kind of person and/or on the wrong side of many a track.

For my part I seem to exclusively shag professional women who make more than me so we're probably different types. I'm Posh Spice to your Ginger.
>> No. 30192 Anonymous
22nd November 2020
Sunday 11:47 pm
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>>30190
>The question of "are you seeing anyone else" will inevitably come from one party or the other within a few weeks of seeing each other

Um, lad - that should be on the first couple of dates/hours, not weeks; depends how old you are I guess. If you're in your thirties, probably whether they want to get married, have kids, or not, all that stuff is fair game.
>> No. 30193 Anonymous
23rd November 2020
Monday 1:20 am
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>>30192

It's one of those things where I feel like it's rude to ask directly, but you're definitely expected to interrogate each other as to what your "situation" is by the first date. Do you live alone, with a house share, at home, are you recently separated or long term single, shagging around or just testing the waters, and so on. Or, if you're on the apps, you're meant to do it in the fortnight of idle banter and the the first physical date is just to double check in-person compatibility.

I know a couple of lasses who are perennially single and I keep trying to tell them, it's more than likely because they just won't fucking sleep with a bloke until they're convinced it's a long term thing. I can't explain enough that good sex is a requirement on any right thinking bloke's checklist, and if he has to commit before he even finds out if you're a cowgirl or a dead fish, he's going to look elsewhere.

They say men are clueless but honestly some of my female friends are the most autistic motherfuckers I know when it comes to navigating those stages between single and long term couple.
>> No. 30194 Anonymous
23rd November 2020
Monday 1:46 am
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>>30191
> There's a difference between casual sex and seeing someone but you won't spell out seeing someone until your months into it. My experience is you will either go on a few dates before sex or be exclusively "casual" for about 5 minutes before its implied that you're seeing each other. I don't know how you could be missing the seeing phase unless you're jumping into things.

If I've not had sex by the end of date 3 I give things up as a lost cause. I usually expect to be up to my nuts in guts within about 4-5 hours of actually meeting a girl physically for the first time. That probably is considered "jumping in" but even in the times where's I've struck out and not hit the bedroom by the end of date three I've never actually had the "are you having sex with / seeing anyone else" talk with anyone. That conversation tends to only come up after a few weeks of regularly seeing someone.

Maybe it's implied that if you're on a date then you're 100% fucking single and celibate and I'm just that unlucky cunt who got burned by a bunch of manipulative bitches and now I'm all bitter and assume that everyone's sucking 37 dicks in every given week. In a row? .

> There's a difference between casual sex and seeing someone but you won't spell out seeing someone until your months into it.

I'm probably being autistic now, but do you, at some point, just stop responding to the 2am texts from the girls in your Little Black Book and slowly morph into monogamy? Is there a certain point where you feel like "this is becoming a relationship" and decide to set your Relationship Status on Facebook. Is it the fact that I don't use face book and don't have a public Relationship Status to set that's causing me all this grief? Christ, if that's the case I really am doomed.

>>30193
> I know a couple of lasses who are perennially single and I keep trying to tell them, it's more than likely because they just won't fucking sleep with a bloke until they're convinced it's a long term thing. I can't explain enough that good sex is a requirement on any right thinking bloke's checklist, and if he has to commit before he even finds out if you're a cowgirl or a dead fish, he's going to look elsewhere.

I've had to tell lasses this myself. She said she wouldn't have sex with a guy until she was in a long term relationship with and I had to tell her that no bloke is going to get into a long term relationship unless they've had sex with her and know they're compatible. That said, I've known this lass shag a bloke she'd barely met just because she was on holiday and knew she'd never see him again and there were no expectations, so it's double standards in any case.


Sigh. Autism well and truly ticked on this one lads. I feel like I haven't expressed what I wanted to say properly at all but it's too late and really it'd probably be better if I was sober.

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