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>> No. 30654 Anonymous
21st March 2021
Sunday 2:05 pm
30654 Improve my speaking skills
I lack empathy, especially the skill of telling people what they wish to hear. I had to change my career, and now this is a required skill in my workplace. I need to be able to flatter a manager or to make a pleasant presentation, otherwise I would not go far. My technical skills are top notch, I just need to be a better ass-kisser (i.e. "soft skills").

I went to a therapist, and he told me that I have some heavy underlying problems and refused to help the way I wanted to be helped. I have neither the time nor the money to do some serious therapy.

Any idea on where to find a "life coach" or something like that? I have seen some, but they all look and talk like snake oil salesmen.
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>> No. 30655 Anonymous
21st March 2021
Sunday 2:09 pm
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>> No. 30656 Anonymous
21st March 2021
Sunday 2:17 pm
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>>30655

Thanks, I already tried it. Without some trained human feedback it does not work. In general, people using the suggestions from that book behave like a poor man's clone of Donald Trump. Either you are so good to use them flawlessly, or you look unnatural and forced.
>> No. 30657 Anonymous
21st March 2021
Sunday 2:19 pm
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>>30655 is a solid recommendation and after reading it I would also recommend picking up some books on negotiation (e.g. Negotiation Genius).

>Any idea on where to find a "life coach" or something like that? I have seen some, but they all look and talk like snake oil salesmen.

That's what they are. As an aside, and without knowing the full story, I'm also very sceptical on the therapist's diagnosis for this given the science of workplace relations and growth is a load of bollocks focused more on creating an office family than delivering results.
>> No. 30658 Anonymous
21st March 2021
Sunday 2:35 pm
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>>30655

This is a good suggestion.

>>30654

You seem to be conflating a few different things here. Empathy, speaking skills, social identity, and manipulating people are distinct (albeit related) characteristics.

Empathy isn't about telling people what they want to hear, but mentally placing yourself in their position and allowing yourself (to the extent that you can) to feel what they'd feel, think what they'd think. How deep you go with that empathy is pretty contextual. With someone like a manager or a group of presentation attendees, I don't think many people expect a deep understanding of their psychology, it's really more of a case of following the golden rule: treat others as you'd like to be treated.

Since you mention you don't want serious therapy at the moment, this might be a case of practicing socialising and public speaking in a controlled, and ideally sympathetic, environment. I know social events are a bit scarce at the moment, but even taking the opportunity to join a Zoom group or speak among friends on Discord might be a good shout.

For what it's worth, one thing I learned early on in my career is that others will generally mirror your mood. If you set a relaxed tone for your presentations or social interactions, others will generally come around to feeling relaxed as well. What you might need to do to feel relaxed going into it will vary depending on who you are -- exercise, a good night of sleep, whatever -- but generally taking good care of your needs and practicing thoroughly should be enough.

As someone who is a technical person as well, it drives me insane that the quality of what you say or the expression of your ideas is virtually irrelevant when it comes to the majority of audiences; just saying it in the right tone is apparently enough. And remember, no matter how shit your presentations are, there are still technical people like me around who would still prefer to listen to you over a mediocre TEDx speaker.
>> No. 30659 Anonymous
21st March 2021
Sunday 2:36 pm
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>>30657

He was not an office therapist, he was a BACP psychotherapist that I hired to help. Sadly, things did not work out. I tried another, and he just refused to take my case for the same reason. Do you know where I can find a therapist specialized in office environment?

> science of workplace relations and growth is a load of bollocks focused more on creating an office family than delivering results.

That's exactly what I need right now. Maybe I will seek some serious therapy later, but now it is not the time.

As I said, I need some trained feedback with someone telling me "no, this body language/ tone of voice looks aggressive" or "no, this phrase looks dismissive." Maybe I should hire an acting teacher.
>> No. 30660 Anonymous
21st March 2021
Sunday 2:43 pm
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>>30658

Good points, I have not defined the problem clearly. What I need is corporate ass-kissing, the art of "sensing" what people want to hear and saying that in a pleasant way. In a decent world, this skill would be useless, but when I need to interact with a manager or (God forbid) an HR it becomes of primary importance. Those kinds of people do not care at all if you are right or wrong, they just need their asses kissed. Lots of people in the corporate world think that their feelings do not care about facts, and punish you if your facts make them angry.
>> No. 30661 Anonymous
21st March 2021
Sunday 3:38 pm
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>>30659
>As I said, I need some trained feedback with someone telling me "no, this body language/ tone of voice looks aggressive" or "no, this phrase looks dismissive." Maybe I should hire an acting teacher.

This sounds more like something you should be asking a line manager or experienced colleague. Not for a structured lesson, at least initially, but the tips and tricks they use to sell to this or that person and if they're present when you speak to give some short feedback on how it went.

If that doesn't work then you could arrange at a corporate level for training in advising/briefing/presenting. It sounds like you can easily make a business case for this.

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