I feel a lot of resentment and bitterness towards trans people. I don’t want to feel that way. I’ve been trying to explore why that is, exactly. It’s something I find to be at odds with the company I keep and the person I tend to believe I am. I’d like to think I’m an accepting and progressive person, but I can’t be if I hold this opinion.
I think it’s relating to my own sexuality. I’m 29 years old and for a long time I’ve considered myself bisexual. I’ve always contained the homosexual side of me however, and present as straight. (Although with considerable people assuming I’m not, for some reason).
I think it’s in part jealousy. An envy that these people can unashamedly choose to live out who they are, to defy whatever norms their parents, society, etc. has cast on then, and to be free, to enjoy the time they have as they wish. I grew up in a very conservative family of people always in the forces. Army / RAF . I have always opposed those opinions but it has dampened my confidence in who I am severely.
I’ve always identified more with women. This is because I always felt internally that I’d rather be a woman because it would make my sexuality easier, it would make it accepted and ‘normal’. I’d never have to contain myself and avoid making my dad sick to his stomach, I’d never have to lie and feel ashamed of who I am. To me, seeing these people who were born men ‘escape’ this problem I suffer, it’s made me feel jealous. Jealous because I still hold horrible poisonous thoughts and almost disgust at myself and my homosexuality, whereas if I was a woman, it would be fine.
A large part of me wishes that when I was younger I went on HRT and begun my journey to be a trans woman. But then it wouldn’t necessarily be because I wanted to be a woman, but rather I just hated being a man. And I don’t think that’s what being trans is really about.
A lot of gay and bi people struggle with internalised homophobia. I think it can be more difficult for bi men, because there's not necessarily a big "coming out" moment where all of that stuff is confronted. Bi people have the option of being in heterosexual relationships and staying in the closet, but they still have to deal with everything that comes with having homosexual thoughts and feelings; often they deal with that stuff completely alone.
Have you considered psychotherapy, or perhaps attending some kind of support group? Isolation tends to breed shame and self-loathing; having a supportive environment to talk about this stuff won't necessarily fix everything, but it can help. When you keep a secret for a long time, it's easy for things to build up in your head until they're out of proportion - the burden of keeping a secret can often be the hardest part.
Have you connected with the gay community in any way? The club scene might not be for you, but there are plenty of gay pubs that offer a more relaxed environment for gay and bi men to meet. You don't have to go out on the pull, but you might find it helpful to just go and have a quiet pint in an environment that you know is welcoming. Outdoor Lads and the Gay Outdoor Club run walking and sports groups across the country for gay and bisexual men, if that's your kind of thing - they tend to be a real mixed bunch, with a lot of older guys who don't fit the stereotypes.
Taking that first step towards opening up is often the hardest part, but I can promise you that it does get easier. Openness is the only cure for shame.
>>31843 It's never too late to transition. Yes you're not going to have quite the same complexion or build as someone who started HRT in their teens but if it's what it takes to make you happy you should consider it.
But not everyone has to transition, not everyone can without destroying their work or family life, not everyone wants or needs to go the whole way to being a woman (which is a big part of why non-binary has become a thing), but there are little steps you can take that'll make it easier to live your life. Grow your hair out, shave your face and body hair, wear more feminine fitting clothes and get some piercings. You'd be surprised just how far you can go down these lines without people thinking out of the ordinary, it's quite the opposite:- I can guarantee you'd get compliments for it.
But to reiterate you don't need to go the whole way down the flag waving raving queer route to "be" trans or to be yourself. Despite your internal conflicts you seem comfortable with the idea of yourself not being a man any more you're just scared of being judged by others.
I'm in a similar position to you, I'm 32 and bi, only in the past few years have I started socialising more in queer spaces (furry) and I'm so much happier being free to be myself. I'm not trans, I've considered identifying as non-binary but while I see the appeal in appearing androgynous and escaping having to fit in with the whole pantomime of manliness and masculinity, I've mostly settled towards using the term genderqueer for myself because I'm simply acknowledging that I have a feminine side.
And again most people are completely oblivious to anything like this, I spent months wearing a belt to work in the bi-pride flag colours, started wearing matching shoelaces, and only one person in an office of 30 of mixed ages got it.
>But to reiterate you don't need to go the whole way down the flag waving raving queer route to "be" trans or to be yourself
This is by far the most salient point I think, and sometimes I feel like that's really all a lot of people need to hear. They fall into all these trans enby egg irl etc groups because they just need someone to be supportive and help them to build their self confidence, they may or may not actually "really" be any of those things but being part of a community that doesn't judge is really what helps them.
I've personally never really been conflicted about my sexuality, I've always been quite fine with the fact I don't like real life blokes but if you catch me on f-list at 2am after a spliff and a few lines I'm the gayest faggot to ever suck dick. Somehow that just doesn't feel like a conflict to me, but I can understand how for some people it does. The thing is for me though, I've never been a manly man, and I learned early on I was simply never going to be the chiseled bloke from the Diet Coke advert. I learned that the hard way through being bullied as the typical skinny weedy poofter for years and years at school, and I developed an alternative ideal of what I wanted to be to qualify myself as attractive and be happy with myself. And without being arrogant, I'm fairly sure it worked.
For a lot of people I really think that's the part that's missing. They grew up being pushed into the boxes of these pre-made identities and they were never told, and never occurred to them, that you don't need to fit into any kind of box. You can just make your own way. Do your own thing. Be who you want to be.
I understand how one could feel jealous of others finding an "easy way out" of things you had to fight through, but ultimately it isn't their fault. I must admit that's got a lot to do with the chip on my own shoulder about idpol stuff, but at the end of the day hating people for trying to be themselves doesn't help anyone. It's all just a matter of perspective. Everyone goes through unique experiences in life and has to learn to deal with them their own way.
>>31847 >But this also catches my eye as internalised sexism.
What does this mean?
It's certainly true that people have developed misandrist or misogynistic attitudes because society has created warped ideals of gender that are at odds with their reality
