How, exactly, do I overcome this? A few years ago someone close to me died, and following the funeral I started obsessing about the idea of death.
I've tried everything from escitalopram, citalopram, sertraline, to therapy, exercise, philosophy, meditation. I go through periods where I feel totally fine with the concept, I'm over it and ready to move on, to periods where I am weighed down with fear and dread. These periods, which can last days to weeks, come out of no where.
I am currently on escitalopram 10mg and I really don't think its doing anything for me. I used to take sertraline and I *think* that was better for me. It was certainly better for my anxiety. I am debating going back on it.
Things that I've noticed help me:
- Team sports seem to distract me very well and give a mood boost afterwards.
- Ice cold showers. Like a reset button for my brain.
- Being drunk.
I think I will try sertraline, I've read that it is supposedly prescribed for OCD, which may be relevant. I don't know why this is prescribed over any other SSRI for OCD though as they all seem to do the same thing.
>>31937 Maybe those drugs will help with other issues you have - I don't know - but existential dread, that fear you will die one day, I think many many people have it and is just part of being alive.
Could you give some more detail on what you're thinking and feeling during those periods? How do those thoughts and feelings affect your day-to-day life?
Following the funeral I went for months of near 24/7 panic attacks, I felt I was losing my grip on reality, I felt overwhelmed with this idea that I'm going to die, and just how strange and frightening that was. Years later and I've never gone that low again. A lot of diazepam, propranolol and SSRIs took me out of that, but what remains is a lot harder to put into words. It doesn't even feel like an active thought I have any more, its just there, kind of like how I'm not aware of my breathing, I just am. It's like a lingering smell that I can sometimes ignore, but is always dragging me down, always sucking the excitement and joy from my life. I can cope, I am a functional member of society, but I don't engage in my hobbies, I avoid sentimental occasions because it worsens these thoughts, I comfort eat because sugar rushes feel good. It has basically constricted my life in every way it can, be it in how much I engage with it, and how I view it. I used to be able to think 'me being old and passing away is so far away so who cares', there is a level of abstraction in-between that gave comfort, it was hard to picture, and I somehow didn't care. But now I look at everything through this lense of time, how long I have, how long they have, etc. It's draining me. Everything feels trivialized when you live like that. How can I take my career seriously when I'm that intense? How can anything seem of any importance whatsoever when I live my life as if I'm running down a clock until oblivion. The times I don't care at all are when I'm drunk. I've done well to avoid drinking though, I very rarely drink, but it tells me that there is something out there, physiologically, that can change in me to help me. It can't be getting drunk 24/7 because that's a path my family have gone down and I've seen where that ends up, but surely there is something that can . Sorry for the fucking rant but I'm tired lads I really am
If you don't mind me asking, how did this person you lost die? Was it an older relative who you could have "expected" to lose, or a younger friend who it was a shock to have ripped out of your life?
In my experience it's something most people don't often think about because they are fortunate enough only to experience elderly relatives passing away when their time has, in all fairness, come. But the circumstances of a person's death drastically affect how you grieve. I lost a mate a few years back and I wasn't right for nearly three years after, in many ways I'm still not and probably won't ever be.
This is also something we all confront as we age. We all try and push it to the back of our mind but as you get older, and the passage of time seems to inexorably speed up, there's no avoiding dwelling on it sometimes. From where I am now it only seems like minutes ago I was still about 27, but from there it seemed like a lifetime ago from being 21. It's not a helpful or easy answer but you really do just need to be at peace with it.
One day you'll be dead, no point being too glum about it.
This might sound stupid, but fear of death is (to a certain extent) a positive sign. Death is only scary if you believe that there is some value and meaning to life. People with crippling depression don't particularly fear death, because they don't think that life is worth living. Sometimes they top themselves, but more often they just go to bed hoping that they won't ever wake up. Your fear of death feels horrible, sometimes it's overwhelming, but it only exists because there are things that you care about. That fear is an opportunity to reflect on what really matters to you and live a more fulfilling life.
We fear losing the things that are most precious to us. I lose pens all the time and it's only ever a mild annoyance, but I'd be gutted if I lost the fountain pen that my granddad gave me. If my house caught fire, I know exactly what I'd grab on the way out and what I'd ignore. You say "I am afraid of death", but it would be just as true to say "life is precious to me" or "there are things in my life that I don't want to lose".
"Live every day like it's your last" is a bullshit cliche, but there's a kernel of truth in it. We can make that cliche a bit more useful by expanding the time horizons. If you only had five minutes left to live, who would you want to be with? What would you want to say to them? If you had a month left to live, what would you want to do with that time? How about a year? Five years? Give it some serious thought. Whatever your answers to those questions, they point towards what really matters to you, the stuff that will make you look back on your life and see it as a life well lived.
We're all going to die, which is unfortunate but unavoidable. It's difficult for anyone to accept the fact that they won't be around forever. You're lucky enough to have things in your life that you'd miss when you're gone. Your fear of death is paralysing you, but it could energise you to really commit yourself to what really matters to you. It's easier said than done of course, but it starts with a change of perspective. There's nothing you can do to escape your own mortality, but you can choose to live a life that means something. Your fear is a big flashing neon sign pointing towards your own personal sense of meaning, you're just too dazzled by the sign to look at where it's pointing.
If that fails, consider trying DMT or magic mushrooms. Psychedelics aren't a cure for anything, but they jiggle your brain just enough to give you the chance to un-stick yourself when you're stuck in a mental rut. Do your research and treat these drugs with a healthy degree of respect.
Yeah woah, don't fuck with DMT if you have an issue with existential dread, are you mad. I mean, in a roundabout way I can imagine it working, but it's a bit like putting out a house fire by nuking the entire town.
Stick to LSD or shrooms, just make sure you know what you're getting and who you're getting it off. Mushrooms can be unpredictable, and there's still a lot of dodgy shite gets sold as acid when it's some other vaguely trippy chemical that won't actually do you any good.
>>31942 Well, oddly enough it wasn’t someone that close. And these thoughts only started after the funeral, not the death. I think the funeral was traumatic for me. I saw a lot of sadness there and it did something to me.
>>31943 Thank you, this was a thought provoking post. I actually do see a lot of value in my life. I’m incredibly lucky to have an amazing family and partner, a wonderful childhood, I have (had) plenty of hobbies, a sense of adventure, etc. So you’re right, in my head I have a lot to lose. But I am aimless. I don’t know what to ‘do’, I am maybe looking for something to make my own, to sink myself into and be proud of.
As for drugs, well, I once had a panic attack on diazepam, so I’m not sure I’m brave enough for psychdelics. Plus I take an SSRI and I’ve been told it severely dulls the trip. I’d worry about going in and coming out worse.
Really, really intense exercise helps. I did a run today until I thought I was going to pass out and I feel less shit.
One thing I should mention is I’m shortly moving to the other side of the world, I’m hoping that will
I think you might find some useful stuff in acceptance and commitment therapy. It's all about identifying what matters to you and committing to act in line with those values. It can be really useful if you're feeling aimless - it doesn't tell you what you should be doing with your life, but it offers a clear structure for how to figure it out for yourself. I can recommend the book The Happiness Trap by Dr Russ Harris.
Psilocybin and DMT are almost identical in their mechanism of action, DMT just has a much faster onset and elimination. That's a double-edged sword - it can be a massive shock if you're not properly prepared, but the shorter duration means that challenging experiences are far easier to handle. In either case, set and setting are crucial.
Small Pharma are currently running clinical trials for DMT as a treatment for depression and have some promising early results.
You certainly can, although we don't know yet if it'll have a meaningful therapeutic effect. We have some evidence to suggest that there's a correlation between the therapeutic benefits and so-called "mystical experiences". People who take psychedelics in a therapeutic setting and experience things like the dissolution of their ego, a sense of connection to the whole universe or an encounter with divine beings tend to get significantly more benefit from the treatment. It's too early to say whether this is a standard dose-response relationship (i.e. people who took bigger doses got more benefit) or whether there's something specific about those mystical experiences that has a therapeutic effect.
Some people regularly take psychedelic substances at doses far too low to have a psychedelic effect, in the belief that it has a positive effect on their wellbeing. This isn't yet supported by clinical evidence, but there are plausible arguments for and against it.
In any case, the most critical factor is being properly prepared and taking the drug in a safe, supportive environment. In clinical trials, we've found that unpleasant or frightening experiences can still have large positive therapeutic benefits with no lasting ill effects. Those patients weren't taking the drug at a party because they thought it would be fun; they had a full understanding of what to expect, they were taking it in a safe setting and had a supportive person supervising them. People don't "go mad" because of a psychedelic experience, that's not how it works, but they can get into a state of high anxiety if they aren't prepared or don't have proper support.
>>31954 Just a "normal" dose of the stuff will be an intense experience but not full-blown mystical. It's about the minimum you can do and still break through. Also it's a knack to smoke right so odds are the first few attempts won't do anything.
