My girlfriend loves me to bits but I don't really love her. She actually annoys me a lot of the time and I think I might be unfair to her. But I also know I'm incredibly lucky to have her for all the things she does for me and just how bad the dating scene can be. Not every relationship will be an endless romance, that's something she told me when she told me that she's not an idiot. She knows I don't love her. But maybe it's down to me refusing to open myself up to love for her because I either expect too much or maybe the secret to a happy life is to just find someone that rationally gives you a stable life and makes you cup of coffee in the morning without you ever asking.
I'm basically hesitant to throw this relationship away for fear that I'm just being incredibly naïve and should accept what I've got. I can go back to the dating scene and try again but what if I'm just endlessly repeating the same mistakes. Or on the other hand what if I'm only hurting her further by repeating a cycle as old as time here.
Can you talk some sense into me either way? Should I try harder or let this end?
>maybe the secret to a happy life is to just find someone that rationally gives you a stable life and makes you cup of coffee in the morning without you ever asking
I can't really give you explicit advice whether you should break up with her or not, but I will say this. Every relationship I've ever had, when it feels like this towards the end and fails, I nevertheless find myself looking back on it with rose tinted spectacles.
I find myself mentally comparing them to my current partner, and while in extremely cold objective terms it's been a slow but steady upgrade process each time, a more attractive and more interesting person each time; I still miss the second one who gave extremely enthusiastic blowjobs every morning, I still miss how the third one was every bit as much of a nerd as me, things like that. There's always this sense when I look back on it that in retrospect, actually, I could have been happy, and it was just that I wasn't prepared to put the effort in to meet her in the middle for whatever reason.
Ethically I feel like it's right for their sake, even if it hurts them at the time, to let them find someone better suited to them, who loves them as much as they deserve. But the older I've got and the more times I go through with it, the more I feel like it's kind of swings and roundabouts really. You never find your perfect soulmate who sets your world on fire and makes you happy and fuzzy every time you look at them, there's always different pros and cons to the relationship. The love part really actually requires you to make the effort too; when you give them the positivity and energy, they reflect it back at you. It feels like a lesson that, now I've taken it on board, has resulted in my current relationship being the best one I've ever had.
With all that said though, sometimes, if the spark just isn't there, it just isn't there. Nothing you can do. And if she already knows you don't love her I'd imagine you are heading for turbulent waters eventually anyway. If I was you I'd give it maybe, two or three months as a sort of probation period. Force yourself to put in the effort, and see if it starts to feel any better for you, see how she responds to it.
>>31997 Nah, but I've had this with every girlfriend I've had where I end up with them just by thinking "ah it's alright" and then sleepwalking into a relationship. There's been other girls in the past I've been over the Moon for but they've never stuck around or something has just gotten between us.
>Yeah, perhaps, but tea.
I've tried to keep this bit out but she uses a bit too much milk and doesn't leave the bag in for long enough.
>>31998 >If I was you I'd give it maybe, two or three months
I'm about two to three months into it now, am I just making things worse if I do try harder now?
Two to three months into the relationship in total, or two to three months into figuring out if you want to stay? Because if it's the former then mate, it shouldn't be a hard decision at all, cut your losses before you get into sunk cost territory. You're barely past the dating honeymoon stage so it shouldn't be like this already.
If the latter then yeah, still probably good evidence you should let it go. Thing is women are sly cunts aren't they, you can easily end up in a relationship you didn't mean to if you let them take the lead. It's been my experience that they like to stake their claim on you as soon as they can tell you're what they're after, and you'll often just get caught up and go along with it because you don't want to risk losing them by trying to keep it casual. They know they usually have the stronger hand in that regard and they're not afraid to play it.
Either way, it's you in charge of your life and your decisions. I think it's worth remembering that yeah, the dating scene is rough, but if this one wanted to sink her claws into you, that means others will too.
>>32012 Thanks lad, dumped her today which as usual wasn't nearly as bad as I was thinking it would be. I'm a big softie so this was a tough one just to get the words out. Now I suppose the question is how do I avoid getting into a situation like this again because it's close to a repeating pattern I find myself in? In this instance she kept bringing her things over and kept buying me things, I was racked with guilt and still have things that I couldn't get her to take back, a Christmas present alone might be worth hundreds of pounds.
Not that I don't want to settle down, I just don't want to end up with a woman I don't really love because she pushed me into something. I don't want to end up getting divorced down the road once I realise I'm just in it out of an obligation.
Well, now you're asking. I could go on for hours with my thoughts about this stuff but I'll try keep it down as much as I can.
Really the only thing you can do is be more pro-active about what you go for in a woman, and be more confident of saying "sorry, nah, I don't think this is going where I want it to go" in the first couple of months of dating. I find that when you're our age (I assume you meet the normal .gs demographic of being around 30) women are more receptive to you asking and telling them up-front and early on exactly what you're after, and being a bit more mercenary about if you meet each other's needs or not.
I mean, that's not a magic bullet, it does still take a while to get to know somebody, and while it might seem like you're messing someone about and wasting their time if you date them for two months and then drop them, really it's no better to do what you've done so far, where if you think about it you're sort of passively leading them on and wasting more of their (and your) time in the end.
That's basically how I felt about it last time I was single anyway. It was look, I'm in my 30s now, anybody I date right now wants to be serious and looking for the long term, and more than that needs to be someone I'm completely mad about; because realistically I don't have many shots left at finding the right one. And it was hard too- There was one lass who I became very quickly infatuated with, and had a handful of amazing dates with, but had to force myself not to act further on it because I could see a lot of signs we wouldn't be compatible in the long run. The other half of my brain was still telling me "no, you're making a mistake, you fancy the fuck out of her, you'll regret this", but it was definitely the right thing to do. We're still mates and she was even still up for shagging until I got with my current partner (and that I kind of do regret not taking her up on, but it would probably only have complicated matters.)
And of course it gets even harder when you find one you DO want to be with, because once you've got used to the idea of being a bit more picky, you second guess yourself, thinking "are you overlooking things? Should you keep looking?" Thing is I suppose you still have to take the risk in the end, or you'll end up a male equivalent of the bitter harpies on dating apps who are confident it's not their own fault they're single, just that no man on earth is good enough for them. It's just a different matter to take the risk on someone who who makes you actively desire them, versus someone who you think "well, she's alright, I guess."
TL;DR Raise your standards, I suppose. I think lads are hardwired to settle, because we know we're playing the dating game on hard mode, but you're probably a better catch than you give yourself credit for.
How long or how many dates should you go on before you can say you've given something a chance? Say I went on one date with a girl and she seems to like me whereas I'm sort of 'eh', would it be worth following up with a second or third just to see if I've not really scratched the surface or is that wasting both our times?
Well, I guess it depends on the type of girls you are meeting or your approach, but personally I never find myself having to ask that question. Typically I won't even be motivated enough to go outside and meet them in real life unless I already know they'll be worth my time. I already know I'm wasting my time if I find myself asking if it's "worth" a second date.
Trueisms like "don't judge a book by its cover" and "looks can be deceiving" actually really aren't that useful applied to dating, in my experience; if they sound boring in their profile and come off boring in conversation then they are probably just actually boring. There isn't a deep and rich personality hidden just beneath the surface; it's more likely just that you're not the right kind of person to dig it out.
That might sound shallow or even too optimistic, but the point is you're looking for someone you have a strong and immediate chemistry with, and when it's there, you KNOW it's there. For me, the question is when you spot something that might be a "red flag"; you have to force yourself to pay attention to it, and actually honestly pay attention to it, not just sweep it under the rug or handwave it.
But all that said, that's just me. By now I have learned I'd prefer to have someone who's flawed but excites me, than someone who ticks the boxes on paper while being desperately dull.
>but the point is you're looking for someone you have a strong and immediate chemistry with, and when it's there, you KNOW it's there
I know this isn't particularly helpful, but I tend to take the opposite position. Perhaps it's just a sign of age, but I'm wary of chemistry and far more keen to let things slowly develop. The bit of my brain that says "I think you're amazing and I want to jump your bones right now" just isn't very good at picking people who I can tolerate in the long term. The world is full of people who are interesting and alluring precisely because they're fucking nuts.
If I see absolutely nothing in someone and just can't get a conversation going then fair enough, that's probably a dead end, but the presence or absence of a "spark" has been a very poor guide to the actual success of a relationship IME. First and foremost, I'm looking for someone who is reasonably well-balanced and can deal with adversity with a sense of lightness and good humour. In terms of the Big Five model of personality, I'm just desperately trying to avoid people with high neuroticism and low agreeableness. I'm happy to compromise on most things, but I just can't be arsed with someone who defaults to stress and resentment.
I get where you're coming from, but I'd suggest you're over-thinking it a bit, especially if you want to bring some psychocolgy guff into the matter, as though it's at all helpful in the world of something as illogical and unpredictable as love.
I will maintain that the spark and chemistry is important, but I will re-emphasise this bit:
>For me, the question is when you spot something that might be a "red flag"; you have to force yourself to pay attention to it, and actually honestly pay attention to it, not just sweep it under the rug or handwave it.
That's the bit where most people go wrong I reckon. You find someone who gives you the butterflies, has you laying there thinking about them before you go to sleep, someone who seems dead interesting and is just as enthusiastic about you, and you get carried away with it. But you don't ever have the heart to frankly and honestly confront the fact that her being a vegan fisherperson will eventually do your head in. You try to ignore it. You found the spark, but it was a poor guide because you didn't listen to your head.
What I'm trying to say is that it works one way around, but not the other, like a valve. The initial chemistry isn't a guide or indication of a successful relationship, by any means; but I firmly believe you will struggle to find a successful long term partner without it, unless you are prepared to accept a relatively dull relationship. If dull but safe matters to you more than passion and connection, fair enough, everyone has different desires, but this thread is all about a lad who has realised that's not what he wants, and how to best avoid ending up there again.
OP didn't describe his girlfriend as dull, but annoying. She might be dull, I don't know, but I suspect that the problem is more down to a lack of communication, a mismatch in expectations and/or a clash of personalities.
This line jumped out at me:
>maybe it's down to me refusing to open myself up to love for her
I'd ask OP whether he knows what he's looking for and what's missing from his current relationship; if the issue is a lack of trust and openness, that might give some cause for introspection as to whether you're afraid to be open with her, or you're just afraid to be open full stop.
If you think that I'm overthinking it, read some women's magazines and prepare to have your mind blown. Women spend a frankly terrifying amount of time thinking about this sort of stuff.
Maybe, but the gist seemed more to me about the fact he ends up with girls he's not all that keen on just because he is too passive to really look for what he wants, in essence he gets with the first one who deems him "suitable" instead of being more proactive about it himself. My advice is about how to make sure you're doing that, because I notice there is a similar tendency in a lot of lads.
It's as much a matter of how difficult dating nowadays can be as a lad as it is personal preferences, so blokes are inclined to settle rather than gamble on something better. They take the offer for ten grand and they might be happy with it, but there's always a little Noel Edmonds at the back of their head saying they might have had the £250,000 in the end.
