Not sure if I'm looking for advice or perspective, but here goes my long post!
I am currently in a new relationship that I have been in since about February. It's all going well, we have a great time together and it's so nice feeling excited about someone and having them on my mind so much. For reference, I'm 32 and she is 30.
However, I have some new relationship anxiety and sort of concerns about attachment. I think this is down to two reasons. Firstly, when we first got together she said that she hadn't dated in quite a long time and I believe that now. When we are together it's fine, but apart texts/calls are every other day/two days, and she doesn't always update me on stuff. For example, she called me this evening and mentioned that she had been off work since Monday as she had been unwell, but was feeling better. Nothing major, but there is part of me thinking, why didn't you mention this. I could be overthinking this. I'm not expecting constant messaging or around the clock updates, but the gaps in communication make me a tad anxious. I understand this is unreasonable.
Secondly, and please don't judge me on this, my last relationship ended mid-January this year, it last for about seven and a half years and we were meant to get married in May. Last couple years of the relationship were miserable, she cheated on me twice, alienated my friends and it should have ended much sooner, but here we are. I don't regret the relationship ending, but it does put me in a different stage than my new girlfriend. It's new to her, but I'm at a point where I really want to go round, tidy her house, do the garden and sit down and sort her a better broadband deal. I like to help and do things, that's my love language I guess. I understand that this is because I have come straight from a position of boring stability whereas for my girlfriend these are still the early stages. Basically, how do I slow my roll so to speak?
Lastly, sex is sort of an issue, as in, we haven't had any kind of sexual contact yet in the nearly five months we have been together (we have slept in the same bed and I have seen her topless but that is it). She mentioned about a month in that something happened in her past and things might not happen as quickly as I am used to. This didn't bother me, but I must admit I didn't think it would be this long. The lack of the physical act itself doesn't bother me that much (although I would really like to obviously) but the lack of anything is making me a bit anxious and due to the cheating in my last relationship, slightly paranoid. I want to feel wanted, you know? I didn't expect to go from nothing to full penetrative sex, but some awkward foreplay and wandering hands at least.
How does I approach this? I don't know what happened in her past (it isn't my business and I don't know if I want to know) so I want to be gentle and respectful in my words. I also don't want to say anything that will come across as though I am guilting her or trying to push to much as I'm not. I just want to have an open dialouge about what she is and isn't comfortable with right now and how we can move the physical side of things forward and at what pace. Ideally without it sound as sterile as this post is!
Sorry if this is a bit rambly, I'm trying to get it out as best I can. Any advice of perspectives would be appreciated. Happy to elaborate.
It sort of is your business, in that if she's expecting you to "endure" the slow pace, I would figure you have a right to at least know why. Two way street and all that innit, after all? I mean, obviously I wouldn't go digging too hard or put her under too much pressure to give you all the gory details, but I do think if she's a reasonable person, she would would understand and empathise with you wanting to know what you are getting in for. I don't think you'd be in the wrong to at least ask, and honestly I think she does owe you at least something of an explanation, or at least reassurance.
Also I'm not judging but ehh, mate, I think you probably needed a bit more time single after a relationship like that. Because I've been there before, and like it or not, you will probably end up bringing baggage from the past into this one, and it will cloud your perspective with how to deal with things as they come up. Then you'll say things you don't mean in an argument, and then feel like a dick afterwards and beat yourself up about it, then pick another fight with her anyway to even the score for the way she reacted, then that whole downward spiral starts, and before you even know what's happened it's another relationship on the rocks.
You have to make sure your own head is clear before you get in a new relationship. It's hard because sometimes something just comes along, but you have to make sure you've got your own ducks in a row before you can even think about opening yourself to someone else.
For instance, my partner and I had a bit of a fight a bit ago, both a bit drunk and all that; but in the heat of it she told me a couple of things that are, frankly, hard truths, but the kinds of truth you wish a lover would just keep to themselves. No, it's not that I have a small willy, thankfully. But since she's said it, I am hurt in a way that can't be taken back, and it's been very hard not to be spiteful. Of course, it'd be easy to blame her for saying those things at all- and yeah maybe it was insensitive of her (like how any half-sensible lad knows not to mention a woman's weight, for instance), but the issue is ultimately because of my own failure to make sure I was fully mentally prepared as a single man, before getting into another relationship. I shouldn't have been relying on her as part of my self esteem, and if I hadn't been, her comments wouldn't have cut anywhere near as deep as they did.
I hate to be negative, but I'm getting the feeling that you've rebounded into an unsuitable relationship. I think you're used to a settled relationship and want to get things moving, but she's just not ready to be intimate with someone, emotionally or physically. She might gradually open up over time, but there's no guarantee that she will.
If you're absolutely sure that she's the actual one, then there's nothing to do except be very patient and gentle and let her move towards you at her own speed. If I were in your shoes though, I'd break it off - there's just too big a gulf between what you want and what she wants, between what you need and what she is willing or able to offer.
I’ve been in a similar boat regarding the ex. Sometimes a bad relationship is enough to sort you out and get things straight, I wouldn’t worry too much about that.
She’s obviously very scared of getting attached and hence needs a lot of time to get comfortable. Can you say you’ve had progress? Issues are fine, but there should be awareness of what the issue is. If you know nothing more than 5 months ago then this is going to go on and on.
Daily communication after five months is reasonable and normal. You should tell her that you’d prefer more contact at this stage, because that might be a dealbreaker for either of you. If you don’t tell her you want more, how does she know?
I’d emphasise that it’s not demanding more, but simply leading the way by saying you want more of her in your life. Women are like cats.
Your trouble is that you’re too nice and fully liable to settle. Women do what you let them, don’t let her string you along indefinitely. That’s not saying she is, but just that she might be.
Ultimately; is it her, or was she just the first one that showed up?
I think there has definitlely been some progress. We have slept in the same bed together a few times (we had long weekend away recently), I have seen her topless and had a tit kiss/fondle a few times which she has no issue with and seems to enjoy. Without being too graphic I sort of fingered her over the top of her underwear (which felt a bit teenager), so not nothing, but definitely slower than I am used too.
I maybe made the communication sound worse than it was. For example, we chatted a fair bit last week, had three days away together last weekend. I dropped her off home late Sunday evening, we kissed, she said she loved me and we had a nice phone call the next day for about an hour. No contact Tuesday (I was busy and didn't actually think about it too much) and then a text and call yesterday when I found out she had been off work ill. All completely reasonable, but for some reason it made me anxious that she didn't say she was off work ill. I text her this morning asking how she was and she got straight back saying she was better and hoping I had a good day.
Typing this all out now, I think I'm just letting anxiety get the better of me, none of this really seems out of order regarding the communication. Also, I received a job rejection yesterday that I had really been wanting so I think that put me in a funny head space.
How would you suggest I approach this carefully in conversation? I don't mind the physical side going slower as long as I knew it was going somewhere. I just want to feel wanted. I want to communicate that respectfully though.
No, I used to work with her and had a thing for her for a while (and vice versa as she revealed on our first date). I found out she was leaving the business as my relationship was officially and finally ending and I just went for it, and here we are. She makes me happy and when we are together it's great. The more I think about it, I could just be letting my general anxious nature and feeling like I'm in a rut cloud this.
At the risk of sounding really dense, am I the only one who wouldn't consider a situation like this to be an actual relationship?
The idea of spending the first 5 months of a relationship without any real form of sexual contact just seems utterly bizarre (doubly so, considering that they're in their 30s?) and it's not surprising that OP feels insecure and frustrated.
I didn't want to storm into the thread or to make the OP feel bad, but I mostly agree with you.
This is subjective, and I appreciate that everyone is different, but I'd say it's unusual that sex hasn't followed from the usual physical and emotional intimacy that builds from seeing someone more, particularly over the course of five months.
>>32366 I would say it counts as a relationship. I'm the pathetic simp who posted about not getting to go to Albania with my female friend a couple of months ago, and our friendship is built largely around us being fawning and loving and affectionate but still being just friends, and what OP has is definitely more of a relationship than I've got.
>>32364 >I dropped her off home late Sunday evening, we kissed, she said she loved me and we had a nice phone call the next day for about an hour.
I think it all depends on whether he kissed her on the mouth or on the cheek. I will do the other things in this sentence, and she is not my girlfriend and we're just friends, but whenever I kiss her, I kiss her on the cheek. She makes very sure of that. We've kissed properly too, and the dynamic was totally different then. So if OP kisses his girl on the mouth, then I'm willing to accept that she's his girlfriend and is just afraid of shagging. Some people are. If she's not willing to discuss it or address it, then she is not a good girlfriend, but she is nevertheless a girlfriend.
Why are you all being so fucking prescriptive? If the two of them are happy with the way things are or how they're progressing, it doesn't need analysing like you're a bunch of teenage girls at a sleepover debating which base you have to get to for it to be an official relationship. Gag me with a spoon.
I agree, offering discussion and advice to someone asking for discussion and advice is fucking disgusting and in fact terribly ableist towards people who can't read. I hope you won't take it amiss if I predict your inevitable response, only because I don't want to cunt up /emo/. We're not robots. We don't just answer the specific question asked. We examine the context around the issue and look for the root cause, providing a holistic answer which takes in to account issues the subject of the discussion may not have considered himself.
I won't say the rest of what I want to say because of the board we're on, if you want to have a cunt off about it let's move to /iq/.
>If the two of them are happy with the way things are or how they're progressing, it doesn't need analysing
If OP was happy with the way things are, we wouldn't be having this discussion.
Arguing over what counts as a "proper relationship" is probably a bit silly and lots of people are perfectly happy in quasi-platonic partnerships, but OP clearly isn't satisfied with the status quo.
>>32372 I would suggest saying what he's going to do before doing it. That way, she'll have a chance to interrupt him before anything gets too frightening for her. It'll sound like bullshit if I type out examples here, but I firmly believe it will at least help.
>I really want to kiss you now (kiss)
>Your legs are so sexy; I would love to touch your thighs (hand on her knee, then move it up)
>I can't help myself. I want to undress you right now (take her T-shirt off)
>Look at this boner you've given me. Would you like to touch it? Would you like to kiss it?
If you give her the chance to say no at each move, then the experience should be a lot less daunting for her, I assume. And look how I phrased my sentences there so that she was always in control and OP almost reduced himself to a passive victim. I'm such a motherfucking player. I'm like the chronic masturbator Wilt Chamberlain. OP might need to adjust the wording slightly, but I firmly believe that the attitude is sound.
>She mentioned about a month in that something happened in her past and things might not happen as quickly as I am used to. This didn't bother me, but I must admit I didn't think it would be this long.
Have you asked her what is was, talked to her about it? Because as I see it, if you've been patient and nothing has really happened so far, it seems pretty obvious she expects you to talk about and understand that situation she had in the past. That's about as direct as a woman will be in these matters, I know it's not obvious but woman don't really verbalise what's important to them in a relationship very often.
Obviously it would be a hard subject to bring up but I still think she will want to talk about it with you before she feels comfortable with sex. I would just word it in a way that sounds like you care about her and want to know how she feels. And if it goes absolutely tits up I think she would later appreciate that you broached the subject and open up to you
Apologies if you have already been through that discussion with her and you already know the advice I gave and if I seem like a five year old trying to advise a forty year old, but I don't see any her being comfortable with sex until you prove to her you understand her feelings on the matter. I think it's better advice at least than telling her about your boners.
Taking a broader perspective, I'm guessing that OP's girl has either been a victim of SA or is something akin to asexual (the possibility that she's simply not that into him is also there, unfortunately).
As harsh as it sounds, it's not his duty to fix that and from his previous posts, OP self-admits to having tendencies in that vein, which might be why he's persisting with her. It sounds very much like his needs for communication, emotional validation/stability and sexual needs are not being met, which is a pretty devastating symptom considering that they're only 5 months in this relationship.
It's a bit of a generalisation, but the problem with such women is that you tend to spend so much time and energy servicing their previous traumas and emotional needs that the actual business of living a fulfilling life tends to fall by the wayside, which eventually leads to resentment when you realise that you're putting much more into that relationship than most people would, only to get far less out of it.
Of course, it's possible to tolerate and work through such issues but the obvious question would be, wouldn't it be a much better use of OP's time and effort to find a woman who doesn't carry around such baggage and would be happy to fulfill his emotional and sexual needs?
>>32377 >Taking a broader perspective, I'm guessing that OP's girl has either been a victim of SA or is something akin to asexual (the possibility that she's simply not that into him is also there, unfortunately).
That's the crux of this, really, isn't it? OP really needs to ask her why she has this approach to intimacy, then figure out if they're compatible.
