I've always been friends with deadbeats, but now I have a friend I like and she is completely unreliable like this. Once, she owed me a favour, invited me over to just sort of hang out not like that, but I did wonder if she was planning to cook for me or anything, and I was going to go round 36 hours later, and when I asked her what time she wanted me to arrive, she said she wasn't able to have me round because she'd made other plans. Total fucking liability.

Anyway, where did you meet your friends? I met all my friends in the pub, and this is why they are all barflies. They are, universally, extremely troubled people. In my experience, female friends are less likely to reply than male friends, because they see themselves more like potential customers, like I am a restaurant they might go to. If they don't want to visit me for a couple of weeks, they aren't going to apologise; it's my job to attract them and if I fail, they will eat elsewhere and it's just that simple. So they will drop me like a sack of shit two or three times a month, always. But as long as I never, ever express any displeasure at this, and continue to invite them to places, sometimes they grace me with their custom presence.

I don't know if all friends are like this, or just mentally unstable alcoholic friends, but it's certainly something I know a lot about otherwise. I can't offer any advice, but I can relate perfectly. You need to make a huge amount of effort to keep friendships going, and it's not always worth it, and those friends won't always make the same effort for you. Another thing to consider is that if they do invite you somewhere, occasionally, perhaps they think that they are making an immense effort, and you don't notice the effort because that's just what you expect friendships to be like. This is another thing that is definitely true of me.

Yeah, at least 90% the population is quite unreliable I've found. You're just the friend who organises things and inevitably loses his rag because it's like herding cats.

So I guess keep doing it and maybe get some other friends too so you can spread your jam more.

>>33065
>Anyway, where did you meet your friends?

The ones I'm thinking of are those long-term friendships from school. I have a few other mates from former workplaces, but they tend to be a bit more reliable. I basically have no female mates for the exact reason you mention, it's never felt like a mutual effort.

>Another thing to consider is that if they do invite you somewhere, occasionally, perhaps they think that they are making an immense effort, and you don't notice the effort because that's just what you expect friendships to be like.

That's the thing that strikes me as odd, though. Maybe I just lead a charmed life or have good timekeeping skills, but it's never been a bother for me to set aside a couple of hours to chat a bit and maintain a friendship. This goes especially if it's just a case of picking up the phone. I've also never really considered doing this or shooting out an invitation to hang out a huge favour on my part.

I would kind of understand if a friendship with me were somehow massively emotionally draining, but I can usually read a room and keep things light if I can tell the other person isn't in the mood, or I can hear them out if life is getting difficult.

Thinking about it, people are even notoriously unreliable about friendships based on hobbies. I've had gym buddies that lasted all of two weeks, for example.

Maybe I'm just underestimating how busy people's lives are, but it's not like I know many people tied down with kids or hyper-demanding jobs. Surely it's a case of priorities, right?

It's probably helpful to remember that a lot of people these days are living in a permanent state of low level depression, and just putting a positive front on on their good days. People mention life being busy and adult responsibilities and all that, but it's not really those things in and of themselves, it's just that people are drained, tired, and can't muster the effort to do much other than rest in their free time.

There's also the fact you can just grow weary of company if you spend too much time with them. Not that you dislike them, just that you've had enough of them, like a TV show you've binge watched and now you don't find appealing at all. I find this happens for me every so often because (like most .gs users) I've got a very small circle with very specific niche interests, so if I get tired of the activities we'll usually do together I just essentially say I'm busy and check out for a month or so, then after that I'll feel a bit more enthusiastic again.

Just one of those things about getting older really. Life's a bit shit. This is why people settle down with their families and go to the kids parties on weekends and what have you, then their social life basically becomes entirely that. It's just easier. If you're not settled and in your 30s still trying to have the social life you had in uni, it isn't going to work.

I have a group of friends I've know for 20 years from uni. Whenever there is some sort of meet up organised before anyone has responded I know with 90% accuacy which ones will be coming and which ones with have an excuse. It is also the ones who are most busy who take the shortest time to commit and most likely to come or at least try, and the ones who have the least going on that will leave it the longest and least likely to come, with excuses that are not a problem to normal people.

It has become apparent with the ones who always have an excuse that it is some sort of social disease that has no name. They are clearly lonely people but also afraid of taking the step out from that. It probably isn't my right to try fix that but it is troubling to me.

I think a lot of them got worse from lockdown. They apparently find being on a voice chat on discord a substitute for in person interaction in a way I do not comprehend so they don't even meet people locally now. I lost a lot of psychology energy from trying to organise things with them whilst always being rejected that I stopped trying i made a count at one point where there were 20 invites in a row over 6 months to 2 of them and they didn't come out on. If they didn't interact with me in other capacities i would have assumed they didn't like me and have moved on. It has affected my willingness to try organise with everyone not just them which feels like I've become infected. I tried not to take it personally but there is only so much rejection I can take. I had recently moved cities to the one they were in and had come to the realisation the friends that I had made in the last year were actually better and closer than the ones I had for decades.

Some people are terrible at initiating anything, myself included.


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tk2AXB3wf9s

Sometimes I worry that if I'm the one initiating things they'll think I'm needy and it's a one-sided friendship. Sometimes I wonder if I stop contacting people how long it'll be before they contact me, with them possibly doing the same; I remember when I used MSN Messenger I'd frequently appear offline unless someone I wanted to talk to came online so I wouldn't look like the terminally online sad case that I was. In other words, I'm a massive fanny.

Yeah always had this. Perhaps it's more tilted towards male-male relationships.

I also probably do it to other people too, but that's because I'm a depressive loser and feel like it's probably better to avoid than be a debbie downer in a social situ

>>33064
I have chronic ADHD. My friendships only survive because my friend group understands that and makes plans for me.

What I mean by that is, they'll suggest an activity and if I'm open to it, immediately organise it and set a date. There is no implications of neediness or what have you, nor is there resentment for initiating the contact from them. I very rarely flake on concrete plans, I'll usually turn up early, if you give me a time and date, but if you say to me "we should hang out" I'll say "yes, we should", get distracted by something and forget you exist for 6 months.

I'm not sure how common that is, but people spend a lot of time and energy worrying about what other people think about them instead of just asking.

>but it's exactly these kind of people that will be evasive if you confront them about it.

People don't want to be reminded of their faults, they probably would feel bad for not doing it. People are naturally optimistic, they likely will genuinely want to hang with you but let 'life get in the way'. In the same way, they don't like being confronted about not exercising.

I've not seen a good school friend in ages, he's about an hour's drive away — some holiday, some family stuff, and a social event or two all seem to mean I've not seen gotten him for 6+ months. Having said that, he's very booze-focused whereas I like walking.

The argument is that I must not like him very much, but modern life is wonderfully stressful. When I met him, we lived 5 minutes from each other and shared a lot of routine/socialising (school & hobbies). Now, I've just stopped caring for my grandfather after he had a fall which helped fix a family feud, I still work a confusing job. In my spare time I lift and try to work out how I can buy a house. My friend has many health and substance problems, as well as having conflicts at work due to different personalities/cultures.

People feel very good on holidays because it's often the only time they eat enough, get out enough, & socialise/relax enough (how they should live). The same applies to social life: when you were young you were all local, had plenty of things to do/explore, and a lot of shared references.

It's probably worth trying to improve your metabolic rate, coconut oil helps with that. Relaxing and socialising are high-energy activities.

What annoys me is that most of my male mates will sort of drop in and out of my life based on if they currently have a girlfriend or not. The pool of people I spend any significant real life time with has dwindled a lot over the years, and I am down to just one long term mate who I actually invite over to my home, and go over to visit him at his home. Anyone else is just a social acquaintance I'll see in passing by this point.

I understand somebody getting a new lass and they're excited and want to spend time with them, of course. I'd never stand in the way of that, and I'm by no means jealous. But I mean the way it's almost as if you were only there to fill in for the fact they didn't have a bird to spend time with... The way that they'll start answering your texts again and phone you up expecting you to be the shoulder to cry on when she breaks their heart, after several months of acting like they forgot you existed... That pisses me off.

the solution is to have no mates, it's easier that way