I've been climbing up the walls for a while, now. I'll go through cycles of euphoric productivity and occasional gloomy disconnection. I know it reads like manic depression and I suppose you could put this down to something psychological, but it doesn't feel that way, because I think I've identified exactly what it is that makes me tick: stakes.
It's what makes any story interesting. What's at stake? Why do your actions and choices matter?
Everyday life presents choices that incrementally shape your life, I understand that. I mostly have that stuff under control. I live a healthy life and do most things right, it just doesn't feel like enough. I never could have imagined when I was younger that I'd become such a boring cunt, where the stakes of my every day life are whether I catch the supermarket before closing time, or whether a dietary choice leads to heart disease, or how long I can travel before my houseplants die. It all feels so trivial.
On the other hand, it's also not enough to have meaningless risk-taking. I like riding motorbikes and I've tried martial arts and other high-risk hobbies, but this doesn't scratch the itch. Gambling feels hollow and is obviously a stupid way to lose money. I think this immediate threat to physical safety and well-being is just thrill-seeking, great in the moment but you can't build a life around it.
I've tried some "responsible" risk-taking, like pursuing big career changes and investing a bit, but it's all for nothing. Who knows what difference that'll make in the world? What does it really come down to? A few thousand quid? No one is living or dying on these decisions.
Maybe it's all coming back to money and power. There is no avenue in my life where even a big risk could realistically accrue any kind of power, wealth, or respect.
Get a girlfriend who will do erotic roleplay scenarios where she threatens to cut your bollocks off, but who's just on the right side of mental enough you suspect she actually might.
Sorry mate, but I think that would fall firmly under the category of "senseless risk". What I'm talking about are real stakes to my actions, I want the stuff I do in life to actually matter somehow.
Then I'm sorry to repeat the same boring advice but mindfulness and meditative reflection will probably do you a lot more good. There's 7 billion of us on this planet, the need for your life to "matter" is, in the most rational sense, not a defeatist or cynical way, only ever going to bring you unhappiness.
This sort of thing is a bit like drugs. The fulfilment is only ever temporary. Even Elon Musk and Geoff Benzos wake up in the morning and feel pointless, the only difference is they can spunk their money on space programs to compensate for it.
Of course it's never a bad thing to give your life meaning, that's not what I am saying here- You should strive to live your life in a way that you feel like you are contributing something useful and positive to society, by all means. But you should equally come to terms with and make peace with the fact the elusive high you are seeking is something that you might not ever find.
