I'm tired, lads. Not just the "thank God it's the weekend soon right haha" kind of tired. This can't be resolved with a big meal, a night in, and a good long sleep. I feel like I've got fuck all left, the fuel gauge is at zero.
Life has felt like one long string of high-pressure tests with no rest for about 10 years or more. I could just about handle it when I was in my 20s and had no domestic or social commitments, but now I'm pushing 35. Burning the candle at both ends is too much for me, now.
A couple of years ago I got out of a very stressful and very "corporate" job with high demands and long office hours. I left to take up an academic position along with multiple other projects (I am the dickhead that posted about registering a charity a while ago; it's up and running now, so thanks ladm9s). My reasoning was that if I'm going to sweat blood, then I want it to be for things that I care about and where I have a greater degree of control. That said, the full extent of what self-employment means and the realisation that these projects will simply not move forward unless I'm pushing them forward is setting in.
My home life is kicking off, as well. I'm in a long-term relationship with a lovely woman and we want a kid. We haven't been lucky after a year of trying, but after a few consultations there's no obvious problems to remedy on either side, so we're in the limbo of deciding whether to take the expensive plunge of IVF or to continue naturally for a while longer. I'm in the medical field and I've committed to do some research on what might help us, so this has started to feel like its own project. This is on top of the emotional rollercoaster of will-it-work-or-not period watch every month, where I'm trying my best to be supportive and help her to think through our next steps.
I'm in good health, not overweight, I eat well, I exercise, and I don't get sick very often (a cold once or twice a year), but that's partially because I know I couldn't carry the workload if I didn't take care of myself.
That said, the telltale signs of fatigue are there. I've started to get heart palpitations at night. I don't have the energy for my hobbies and things I enjoy. I'm sitting here with long nails and three full bins because I just can't be bothered and I am struggling to get off my arse to take the rubbish out.
I feel like an absolute pussy for writing all this. I hate the absolute wankery of self-imposed "burnout" like you see in every other LinkedIn post. I've been through so much more difficult times and come through fine. It's not like I'm lugging around concrete blocks or commuting for two hours a day anymore. Yet, in my heart of hearts, I truly wish I could just take a solid month where I do nothing but eat takeaways and watch Star Trek: TNG. I want to play computer games and drink beer and watch shitty action films. I want to shirk my responsibilities, if only for a short while. I want to have the space and time to feel bored so I can reengage with the stuff I care about, again.
TL;DR: Overwhelmed idiot doesn't know how to take a holiday and whinges about it online.
- Morning sunlight, grounded on grass
- Sunlight right up til sunset, skin and eyes (no glasses, contacts, suncream, especially at sunrise/sunset)
- Blocking blue light (Iris blue blocking software, orange blue blocking glasses and yellow tint for day time blue blocking)
- Sleep in pitch black room
- Eat seafood which enhances sunlight absorbtion and repels blue light
- High protein/fat breakfast close to sunrise as poss
- Keep phone/devices at a distance, EMFs. Use plugin mouse/keyboard/limit phone time
- Cold thermogenesis ala Wim Hof Method/Breathwork outside too.
- Start a meditation practice, realise that you are not your mind. Practice daily on and off the cushion, 5 mins is fine to start with but get progressively longer as the days and months go by
- Start a qigong practice, essentially moving meditation. Develops lower centres and not just higher like meditation generally does. Extremely effecetive and removing stagnancies in the body.
Mate, I appreciate the replies, but I almost thought you were replying to someone else's post.
No amount of sunlight or meditation is going to help me recover from a decade of overwork. I know this because I already work outside, exercise outside, take cold plunges, sleep well, etc.. As I mentioned, I work in medical research and keep up to date with these topics. I have enough of Rhonda Patrick's and Andrew Huberman's goofy ideas. These things help me feel good, but "just self-care better" isn't what I need right now.
It really does sound like you need a good break, mate.
What's your relationship with your attached image?
Take a month off of mostly everything; nurse your charity along without fully engaging, get stuck into a couple of games, some Picard and a takeaway each week, and before long you'll be wanting to return to work. All the better that you've replaced your batteries.
In seriousness you're clearly a hard and capable worker, should your charity decline during your absence is it unlikely you could restore it in quick order? A decent break might be exactly what the charity needs to step past the one-carrier hurdle. On your full return you might be energised to identify competent staff or volunteers to delegate to, freeing up your time and mind to make the baby batter.
I don't have any advice to offer and it doesn't seem like it's needed, either. OP sounds hugely overworked and has rightfully diagnosed he needs some sort of holiday.
Thank you both. I'm not really sure what I was looking for in posting this thread. Do I want to be told I have a "right" to feel tired? Because I have to say, it is a relief to read. I was half expecting people to come back with "oh that's nothing, you big pansy" or something.
I'm very much used to just pushing on, but I am aware that I have limits that I can't ignore forever, or it'll be counterproductive for my efforts and/or my health. I can't actually take my foot off the pedal yet due to the commitments I've already made. There is a natural endpoint coming up in November, though, when my main work contract ends and several big events coincide. I've discussed with my partner that I will need serious time off then, maybe a month, and she's completely agreed.
>A decent break might be exactly what the charity needs to step past the one-carrier hurdle.
I hadn't actually considered this, but this is really good advice. I've dedicated the last year and a half putting together a very skilled group. I don't think they'd just stop in my absence, but ultimately I think it's my enthusiasm that pulled them in. Still, a slow month could be worth the respite I get, and it would be timed well in November when we aren't running any big programmes.
>What's your relationship with your attached image?
"Chase after money and security, and your heart will never unclench" is the part that comes to my mind a lot. I sometimes repeat it in my head. If I'm being honest, it makes me a bit emotional, because it makes me aware of the catch-22 of the kind of work that got me this far; I started from a place of very real material and emotional insecurity, so while brute-force effort has been effective (and was often my only option), I also struggle to stop and let go, even when I can tell it's the right thing to do.
Sometimes people just want to vent about their problems and have that be validated rather than have solutions offered. That's my interpretation of what you needed from your post. From what you've described, it's not nothing, it's a lot of stressful hard work that you haven't had a break from in far too long.
If you feel guilty about taking time off, it might help to frame it as part of the work itself. You, as a human, have needs that have to be taken care of to continue as you have so far. If you were a machine in a factory, you'd still need downtime for maintenance. Time off for self care isn't selfish, it's necessary to function.
A break is a break, but you still have to go back at the end of it. Assuming you get the normal perfunctory 6 weeks holiday a year (although being self employed, I suspect you don't actually give yourself that), that's still the other 46 weeks of the year you are going to be stressed, because your job is stressful. Right at the source of this is clearly your job. You left a high pressure stressful job to work in... Another high pressure, stressful job? Join the dots here lad.
There's a lot to be said to be said for disregarding the money and taking up an easy job you are overqualified for. A job you don't take home with you and keeps you up at night, and where you will never ever get imposter syndrome with, because you know you've done much harder things before.
Your problem is that you know this but you can't bring yourself to act on it. Your psychology is very similar to a drug addict who knows they need to quit but just can't break out of the habit, because it's become too familiar. They wouldn't know what to do otherwise. In a sense, they wouldn't know who they are, because it's become a part of how they see themseves.
You don't know who you are outside of work. Until you answer that you will keep doing this.
