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>> No. 5742 Anonymous
23rd September 2014
Tuesday 5:58 pm
5742 how to lose friends and alienate people in less than a week
On the request from a couple from /shed/ I'm going to post the CorriganLad continuing adventures from uni. The real kicker is the third night

For ease of recognizing people I’ll give prominent people I’ve met in a cast list under the form of nicknames I’ll use exclusively for this story.
Cast:
• Me (CorriganLad)
• Goatee (Roommate)
• Young One (male flat mate downstairs)
• Curly (female flat mate downstairs)
• Ringo (Organiser of parties)
• Racist Chap (a drunken fellow who appears at odd times)
• The Turks (My Turkish roommates)
• Sparkles (A girl I met at one of the parties)
• Dealer (someone who turns up at parties and deals, I’m not even sure he’s a student)
• Blonde Girl (a blonde girl who is often at parties)

First Night

So finally, three years of work had come to a conclusion. My goal was eventually to come to university and now I am here. After leaving the” yoof” centre they pointed me to a college so I could ultimately live the university lifestyle. The only issue is I am a mature student and fitting in may have been a challenge. I was born in the late 80s meanwhile a good majority of students were born in the middle part of the 90s. They barely started school when 9/11 happened. I had to destroy any selfish and unwarranted self-superiority complex I may have had. So begins my journey into what could possibly be the best or worst decision of my life.

I’ve never been a fan of car journeys, especially when the car was filled with several cases leaving me very little room. I get car sick quite often and coupled with my ears popping due to the variations of altitude I wasn’t in the best moods. It’s quite something to think I shouldn’t bother doing anything in life to avoid two hours of slight discomfort. The relief I felt when I saw the familiar landmarks and buildings of my buildings was more inward but there was obvious trepidation that shook me knowing it was all real.

Even when I had gone to collect my key at the accommodation reception my hands were physically shaking as my parents watched. It was going to be the first time they didn’t have anyone in the house other than themselves for several years. While they would never admit it they were probably a little excited as the prospect of paying less in electricity bills.

I gathered my belongings and made my way to the halls. I found my room that would be my home for the next year. The next step was to meet my new roommates as I heard chattering in the communal kitchen. Now as you may or may not know I am not a social butterfly, I am called Corrigan lad for a reason but I kept safe with my conversations (knowing full well I don’t make friends with safe conversations but I don’t lose them on bad terms). Goatee was there with one of his friends making some dinner and offered me some. It was then I had noticed the bottles and cans, it had begun. My liver has seen better days but I was convinced eventually it would pop like an appendix at some point. My parents had already said goodbye and I felt a strange feeling. I knew they wouldn’t be there to criticize my behaviour and while I certainly didn’t lose control, it was merely the catalyst for things to come. It was fairly quiet small talk while I had broke out a large bottle I had received as a gift from my former job. It was then that a party across the way was going to start soon. We had gathered a few more people from facebook and simply waving to the halls across the way.

To put in perspective, I haven’t been to a party in several years. This was almost new territory to me. We had arrived and we met Ringo. Ringo had that natural charisma and it was almost chilling, my first impression of him was thinking he loved to let the lambs go out into the lion cage. I had stolen a few beers to keep my “social” side topped up by that point and I stood in a corner while people were smoking indoors. It certainly wasn’t the aspect that this is a fire safety issue; there was a little joy that I could finally smoke indoors for the first time since 2005. I had attempted small talk with the people nearest me and predictably I struggled to talk to the women. I did speak to a bloke who looked like Anne-Frank but that was the closest I got. For whatever reason someone decided to show me a video of them twirling their penis around like a windmill so I thought I’d move over to another room. That was no different to the other room; the most social interaction in that room was a man holding an almost empty bottle of Rose wine. I despair for the new generation of drinkers who would rather drink wine and liquids that look like you’re meant to clean a toilet with.

Disgusted at myself for being incredibly withdrawn I had been convinced to simply going outside out of the sauna like conditions where almost 50 people had tried to fit in a small room. There I sat on a bench and chain smoked cigarettes so I could have an excuse for sitting outside. I had eavesdropped on conversations around me. Dealer had turned up with a Tupperware container; thankfully I wasn’t that naïve to not understand what was in it. I had met people who were in various states of inebriation including a blonde girl who I would describe as “wild”, “fun loving” and “lovably offensive”. These adjectives would later be part of my downfall as I had the wrong impression of her.

As people began to move about I decided to simply go home and wonder what I need to do to become popular. It’s a silly thing to worry about my age especially when the last time I went to school was over a decade ago where even then I had already established my place in the world as an awkward person which has less character than a brick wall.

I had often gone outside to smoke in the hopes people will ask me over. Every time I had gone back to my room I refused to do anything I would have done in my old life thinking on the basis that I’m wasting valuable time. A year means nothing to me anymore as it goes far too quickly. Luckily Goatee had returned to the flat with fresh tales about how his friend (the one we saw earlier) ran away from women in his drunken stupor. I had decided to have another cigarette and Goatee said he’d come outside with me for company.

This was our first meeting of Racist Chap who was wandering the halls. He had blood all over his right hand (he claims he didn’t have a bottle opener). He was unable to get into his flat so we decided to help by knocking on the window of his flat. Turns out he didn’t actually live in that flat but fortunately we were invited in on the terms of friendliness. As I entered the flat racist chap had told us that we should “fingerblast” the girls in the flat and “especially” me as he mimicked several sexual movements. Among the residents and guests in the flat we met Young One and Curly. Young One is the very stereotypical meld of a young man that hasn’t even reached their second decade and Curly was a seemingly shy girl. I had no expectations that they would talk to us again. Racist Chap had plopped down on one of the chairs listening intently to the discussion. He had mentioned we had another roommate who I hadn’t met yet. Racist Chap then went off to talk about eskimos and it was from there casual racism ensued. I had kept fairly quiet and it was quickly time for people to head back to their respective flats at around five to seven in the morning.

In all it was not an eventful evening for your average person, even for me it was fairly underwhelming but there was some relief that it wouldn’t get crazy over the next year. It didn’t happen the next night but on the third night all hell would break loose. The first night was me just looking from the other side of the window. The second night would be the calm before the storm but the third night was unexpected for me.
Expand all images.
>> No. 5743 Anonymous
23rd September 2014
Tuesday 6:00 pm
5743 Second Night
The second day was a relatively quiet day all things considered given the week I was going to have. Goatee and I had struck up a quick friendship with Young One and Curly from the events of last night so we essentially started to hang out more. I cannot even recall the transition between acquaintances we met the previous night to friends but it felt clear we would be around each other’s company at least until classes actually started. I had brought a deck of Cards Against Humanity and what better to grease the wheels was with a game with them. With a game like CAH, alcohol was a chosen beverage and it’s a good way to loosen any inhibitions between new groups of people. There’s something wrong about that last statement.

Eventually we moved to Goatee’s room as he had Mario Kart. We were all in a great mood thanks to the alcohol and the card game. I played a few rounds and we were having fun. At one point I went outside to smoke and they set the next game to 32 races. To put that in perspective it took about three hours to get a little over halfway. During which I was making many inappropriate comments to Curly due to the alcohol I consumed. The reason I didn’t stop was simply because she seemed to find it funny and took it in stride. The give you an example of what I said one of the statements I made was that me and Goatee should double team her, while crude and downright offensive we all hooted at the blue jokes. I may have said other things to Goatee and Young One of similar vulgarity but the difference was they were men and Curly is a woman. I’m all for complaining about double standards but I can still understand that what I say could really piss someone off.

During this 32 race extravaganza Goatee and Curly had used this as an excuse to play a drinking game. The rules were simple; they had to down a specified amount of beer after each race. To cut a long story short they were out of it and both refused to give up. They seemed keen to finish the 32 races despite taking a little over three hours to finish 20 races. The affects were showing and Goatee made a forfeit that if Curly didn’t drink her next drink or gave up she would have to kiss him. Young One and I had immediately seen this as a bad idea. Young One, I would learn later is very protective of his flat mates. He has no ulterior motives in this due to the fact he has a girlfriend (whom I met later in the week) who both show great affection towards each other and he seems to be a good person. Me? This was basically the first girl in uni I had spoken to beyond a few minute and I fell in the trap of wanting a relationship with her. Later I would take up Young One’s role when he wasn’t available and wanted nothing more than to make sure she doesn’t do anything stupid or at least provide damage control if something did happen. We vetoed the forfeit because of the above making me anxious for one of them to give up.

It was Curly who threw in the towel, part of me knew that she thought it was getting out of hand and this wasn’t her limit. Goatee took the victory and later admitted that if he had another drink he would have thrown up. The challenge was over and we could go home. We decided to walk with Young One and Curly back to their own flat, after which I took this opportunity to have a cigarette. Curly came out and mentioned that she left her glass in our flat and was going to recover it. My almost jealous nature of a girl (who I may add has made it very clear she has no interest in me whatsoever even a week later) took this as “SHE’S GOING TO DO STUFF WITH GOATEE, ONLY I MUST HAVE RELATIONS WITH HER, NOT HIM”. I had pretty much sucked the tar from the cigarette so I could go back inside while maintaining the (poor) illusion of I’ve just finished and heading back to my room and not “WHAT ARE YOU UP TO? DON’T MIND ME I’M JUST GOING TO MAKE SURE YOU DON’T DO ANYTHING.”

It was innocent enough, there was still beer left in the glass and Goatee and Curly were having a non-hostile argument over whether Goatee should drink it or pour it down the drain. Before I could even stop them, Goatee had downed half a pint of alcohol. Curly took her glass and went to her flat. Goatee didn’t throw up like he thought he would but he took half an hour to make a noodle sandwich. It was excruciating to see him butter bread for several minutes. Between Curly and Goatee they had drank an entire bottle of vodka and ten cans of beer during the competition, all of which was downed after each race. 22 races were completed.
>> No. 5744 Anonymous
23rd September 2014
Tuesday 6:02 pm
5744 Third Night Part 1
The third night should have been a fairly quiet night. I felt like I had already established a “usual” night by now, I was so wrong, so very wrong. There are parts of this that could have had worse consequences.

It was simple, I had made myself something to eat and was pretty much left alone as Goatee had work to go to the next day and was still asleep the previous day. My other flat mate was a Turkish fellow who had otherwise kept to himself who I only saw accompanied by two of his Turkish friends. I had often observed them making food while talking in Turkish. They had offered me something to eat before but I had usually eaten beforehand. I was drinking a beer playing with Solitaire on my phone when we had a friendly chat. It was one of the few times I had actually heard them speak English. They were telling me of their culture and I mentioned briefly of the bottle of spirit in the fridge. They had offered me a glass of it which I learned was called Raki. It was a lovely drink which contained Anise Seed and even watered down you could taste the liquorish-like flavour. By the point I had started drinking it I had already drank two or three bottles of the beer. I know from many difference experiences to never mix my drink but I thought it would be fine as I wasn’t expecting to go out.

Goatee had woke up surprised to see me conversing with the Turks and witnessed me drinking with them, They were discussing the proper way to clink glasses in Turkey in which I did by clinking the glasses and saying “Chinky” as there was some minor slurring in my voice (the drinking kind not the racist slurring kind). I am unsure whether they knew I had used a racist slur due to English being their second or third tongue but I am glad they didn’t seem to notice. Meanwhile Goatee stared at me trying to stop giggling. A normal person wouldn’t have felt this buzzed by the amount of drinks I had but I am medication and I do not drink too much simply due to the cost of have a weekly drink. This is when I said my goodbyes to the Turks and decided to see what my downstairs flatmates, Curly and Young One, were up to.

Fortunately I caught them before they were going to go out to a pub. I believe it was at this point of the night I had accidentally walked into Curly’s bathroom while she was using it as I thought she wasn’t in there and hadn’t minded previously when I used it. Luckily I didn’t actually see her as my view was obscured due to the door and her saying “fuck off” in a swift hurried panic. It’s sad that this is one of the least offensive things I’ve done to this poor girl over the week. It’s a wonder that she still talks to me (at least at time of writing). The pub we went to had an open mic night; the actual visit to it was pretty much uneventful besides three more beers and several more inappropriate statements comments Curly. We called it a night once all the acts were finished and made our way home.

It’s never that easy. I can barely recall how I got dragged into that flat party but it involved more drinking. This is basically where my “best” side came out, the social side, the party animal, the person people remember fondly (or think as a dick) in the morning. It got to my ego; it had been a long time since I’ve been this person and that person hasn’t existed since I was 18 and at one single party. My voice changed, my gestures became more varied, even my laugh changed (something that has become semi-permanent). This wasn’t simply being drunk, I became a different person. I could probably attribute it to being my own true authority, the fact I wasn’t going to see my parents until a few weeks later, and I was free.

It started relatively subdued but eventually I brought up the discussion of Emma Watson’s pubic hair after briefly touching upon the events of “The Fappening”. No one understood what on earth I was talking about. In a more relaxed and sober state I would explain how a photographer took a photo of her getting out of a car and Miss Watson was wearing semi-transparent underwear showing her pubic hair but I was stumbling my words with responses being of confusion. This party was where I met Sparkles. The first words I said to her were “You have sparkly hair; you must have seen Emma Watson’s pubes”. Those were the exact words I used. In my inebriated state I saw this young girl who had dyed her hair multiple colours as a modern up to date person who probably knows the latest going ons with celebrities. Sparkles is similar to Curly in that they seem to tolerate me saying inappropriate things. I would like to think maybe I’m not saying anything too offensive and it’s just playful and blue but it wouldn’t last too long.

In the meantime I had met up again with a flatmate who had lived in the same building who introduced me to his girlfriend earlier that day. It probably wasn’t my wisest idea to say to him that I think his girlfriend is “hot and I would fuck her”. He seemed to take it well and we brustled our beards together and I felt his hair. I really have nothing else to add to that. We still talk now and he certainly didn’t seem offended by it. The first people to get offended were about to make themselves known on the stage. A girl had walked out the room when I said “that’s a nice top you’re nearly wearing”. That seemed pretty tame by my standards, my drunken yet still fully aware of my surroundings standards. Then I told everyone in the room that Curly had a “saggy vagina”. The reason I had said it was due to a joke we made during Mario Kart the previous night. Even then I felt invincible and felt like I could say anything and become some sort of high influence over the party. Then I saw Blonde Girl again.

I was outside having a cigarette and Blonde Girl made her way towards the group of smokers. I cannot for the life of me remember what exactly it was I said that upset her but it involved her vagina. The bubbly girl demeanour was crushed in a second the moment my mouth closed. She had said she thought I was a “sound lad” but I disappointed her. During my one thousand apologies she seemed to forgive me but it was likely the last time I’d speak to her again. So I did something else which was just as unwise, smoke less than reputable substances. In truthfulness I didn’t smoke nearly enough for it to affect me but later on this could have screwed me over in a later night.

Despite not feeling the effects from the cannabis, I was still inebriated from the excessive amounts of alcohol that my prescription drugged body could handle and I did something that is very unlike me. I sang and danced. I sang along to songs that I didn’t even know the words to, I blasted my lungs out bellowing what may have been a special needs man getting his fingers stuck in a car door. We’d alternate between indoors dancing/singing to outside smoking more weed. Racist Chap made another appearance and despite being racist, sexist and a downright drunk he was morally against weed. At that point he was so much better than me. In one night I did all the above. It was then I had needed to tone myself down a little.

A small group of us went to the flat to have a quiet social gathering. This was a good opportunity to calm down and prevent myself from making a further fool of myself. For whatever reason my right eyelid was lower than the other making it look like I was having a stroke so immediately the plan to remain somewhat normal went down the shitter. After the advice from the others I went to bed. I stripped down to my boxers like I normally do when I go to bed and make sure the door was locked.
>> No. 5745 Anonymous
23rd September 2014
Tuesday 6:03 pm
5745 Third Night Part 2/Fourth Night Combo
With the combination of sleep deprivation, neuroleptics, alcohol, cannabis and possibly some stress that can cause a person to sleep walk. Oh yes I sleepwalked, in just my boxers. I had woken up in a hallway, damn near naked and didn’t have my keys. Luckily my flatmate was about to head to work when I knocked on the door. The look of shock still chills me to the marrow yet somehow I answered his questions about what the hell I was doing with calmness. It was then I went back to bed hoping it wouldn’t happen again. From a secondary account I learned that during my stroll that I had somehow managed to break into the flat opposite, tipped over a bowl of sweets they left out and entered a bedroom and stared at the occupant while he was asleep. I was like the worst Father Christmas.

For the sake of it, the fourth night will be combined as nothing but one incident which ties into the events of the previous night. Curly, Young One, Goatee and I went into a supermarket to pick up some essentials and while I was paying for my items and guy walked up to Curly and said “what’s up, Bucket?” This was due to me telling everyone at the party that Curly had a “saggy vagina” it had turned viral. Instead of apologising like a normal person I decided to skip and sing “I’ve got a Golden Ticket” from Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory. While she may have laughed it off you could see a hint of hatred towards me.

Still need to write up the rest of the week
>> No. 5746 Anonymous
23rd September 2014
Tuesday 6:41 pm
5746 spacer
>>5745
Cheers lad, provided a couple of chuckles. I wouldn't worry too much about your drunken shenanigans, they seem quite tame to be honest with you. I'd imagine you'll look back and possibly cringe a bit but I doubt anyone is going to seriously judge you for acting like a bit of a drunken twat at the start of uni. It's pretty much obligatory.
If you feel particularly bad about taking the piss out of the curly girls fanny them maybe actually just sit down and talk to her, apologies, admit you were being a drunken twat and that you honestly never meant to offend.
Maybe start a rumour that racist lad has a gaping arsehole or something to take some of the heat off her.

But yeah all in all sounds like pretty typical student "fresher" behaviour. Try your best to enjoy it, sounds like you're generally getting on with people when you're not shitfaced. Once classes start you'll meet more people as well, maybe just try and keep a bit of an eye on how much you're drinking. I realise that can be tough just starting uni though.

Best of luck.
>> No. 5747 Anonymous
23rd September 2014
Tuesday 7:24 pm
5747 spacer
Echoing >>5746, some of your turns of phrase are a tad peculier (English not a first language?) but the way you tell a story is excellent, if you can manage to tell anecdotes like this (well maybe a little bit less personal...) you'll be sorted.

I know it's easy to dwell on past mistakes, but you really don't have to. Fresher's week is a weird paradox in that the people you spend the most time with may turn to be longtime friends yet most people will not remember specifics beyond a haze of alcohol and drugs.

Maybe cut down on the genitalia remarks but audible mirth was had at “that’s a nice top you’re nearly wearing”, keep it up ladm8.
>> No. 5750 Anonymous
23rd September 2014
Tuesday 8:09 pm
5750 spacer
>>5746
>they seem quite tame to be honest with you.
Yeah, everyone makes a drunken arse out of themselves at uni at some point, so don't get hung up on it OP.

>If you feel particularly bad about taking the piss out of the curly girls fanny them maybe actually just sit down and talk to her, apologies, admit you were being a drunken twat and that you honestly never meant to offend.
This would be the decent thing to do. Don't bring up the incident itself (if it went down the way you describe it, she won't want to be reminded of the specifics), don't try and make any excuses, just say straight up that you were being a twat the other night, that you regret it, and that you're sorry.
>> No. 5751 Anonymous
23rd September 2014
Tuesday 8:14 pm
5751 spacer
>>5747

>Maybe cut down on the genitalia remarks but audible mirth was had at “that’s a nice top you’re nearly wearing”, keep it up ladm8.

>This would be the decent thing to do. Don't bring up the incident itself (if it went down the way you describe it, she won't want to be reminded of the specifics), don't try and make any excuses, just say straight up that you were being a twat the other night, that you regret it, and that you're sorry.

Both motions seconded. And try and avoid getting completely wrecked on meds mate, I've had to deal with the consequences of other people doing that before and it is annoying.
>> No. 5753 Anonymous
24th September 2014
Wednesday 2:55 pm
5753 spacer

advice.jpg
575357535753
>>5750

..alternatively, start the conversation "Now - about that fanny of yours"....and see where things go.
>> No. 5754 Anonymous
24th September 2014
Wednesday 4:59 pm
5754 spacer
>>5753

Who's e.flake?
>> No. 5755 Anonymous
24th September 2014
Wednesday 5:44 pm
5755 spacer
>>5754

http://www.emilyflake.com/other/
>> No. 5756 Anonymous
25th September 2014
Thursday 7:50 am
5756 spacer
>>5755

Cheers.
>> No. 5788 Anonymous
10th October 2014
Friday 4:06 pm
5788 spacer
>>5742

Any update uniCorriganlad? It's a slow Friday afternoon at work....

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