It is well paced, the sound track is a good choice and I like the camera flip into the picture, that is a very good trasition both technically and in the tone of the scene. You've done a good job of telling the story through images.
The voice over is Jarring though, it is imediately apparent that the sound recording is bad, I don't know enough to tell if it is a cheep mic or if it is from being too close to it but that sticks out as the part that feels 'unprofessional'.
>>22404 I wasn't going as far as to say cut it, just rerecord it. It might turn out it is better dropped but that is really more of a creative decision then I think this board is capible of making from our armchairs.