|>>|| No. 418572
I'm a diagnostically confirmed schizoid, and one of the key characteristics of schizoids is that life doesn't seem to have any kind of direction like it does with most people. I'm a functioning adult and I have completed such marks and milestones in my life as secondary education, university and the first few jobs. But it's as if my life sort of topped out after that, and I never really took on the next steps like settling down with a wife, have kids, buy a house, that sort of thing.
It also has to do with a tragic family history that was marked by early deaths of my closest family members. That kind of thing can exacerbate schizoid tendencies in a person who is already predisposed to them.
I'm in my 40s now, and that's an age where you either have done certain things in your life or you haven't, and likely won't do some of them anymore. I don't rule out the possibility of becoming a late dad and settling down after all in the next couple of years, because things like what will become of me when I am old do weigh on my mind. I am nowadays of great indispensable help to my mum who is now at an age where mowing the lawn of painting a window frame or fixing a broken fence are just not that easy anymore. Even the weekly grocery shopping can be quite a task for her. And so to think that one day in around 30 to 35 years' time that will be me and I won't have any help from my non-existent children is a thought that weighs on me.
I am doing alright career wise, but I can't say I have had a real desire to climb ever further to the top in my field in the last ten years or so. I have always been much to happy maintaining the status quo. It has been noticed negatively by bosses and superiors I have worked for, but in the end, it is my life I have to lead, not theirs. I decide what makes me happy, and putting in another ten hours a week just so that it says regional head manager on my name tag and business card simply never seemed appealing to me.
I think part of my reluctance to have planned out my life incrementally step by step was that I didn't really have many long-term romantic relationships after uni. I had my share of flings, erotic adventures and short relationships, but I guess being a schizoid, it always comes to a point where the other person will just want more from you than you are ready, willing, or even cut out to give. If I had had a wife by my side, maybe my life would have been different. My perception is that women in general have much more stringent plants for their future, at least once they've found somebody to settle down with, of course one reason being their biological clock which simply means they can't just let vast periods of time pass after age 30 at a virtual standstill in their lives.
But again, it's my life, I decide what makes me happy. Other people might say I have no goals and no direction in my life, I just say, I am happy right where I am at.