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>> No. 442884 Anonymous
23rd March 2021
Tuesday 12:43 am
442884 Hypotheticals
I sometimes play out hypothetical scenarios in my head and what I'd do. I thought it would make for an interesting thread if I started listing them and getting some solutions, it might even be a learning experience as there's usually things I don't have an answer to.

So my first go:

If you broke one of your legs, how fucked would you be? How about both? That's not a threat. I was thinking about it the other night and how, frankly, I'd probably give breaking my legs a miss. My main problem is that I live up a few flights of stairs with no disabled access so I'd be trapped. I assume you can ask a delivery driver to come upstairs if you explain your position, so I wouldn't starve, but if both my legs are broken there's getting home from the hospital or going back as the legs heal.

I'd probably have to move out and live with my parents for at least a year. Do removal companies offer a service where they will pack your things up even if you don't organise? I don't much fancy my family finding my fleshlight.
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>> No. 443622 Anonymous
6th May 2021
Thursday 9:00 am
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Having a teary was always shit. Never a patch on trolled to tears or ape-like fists.
>> No. 443623 Anonymous
6th May 2021
Thursday 9:10 am
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Well done, you're a cretinous inchworm.
>> No. 443634 Anonymous
6th May 2021
Thursday 5:06 pm
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Have a fuckin' whinge there, cuz.
>> No. 443635 Anonymous
6th May 2021
Thursday 6:33 pm
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n1 m8 dem 2 wont no wot hit em
>> No. 443636 Anonymous
6th May 2021
Thursday 6:59 pm
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Go and have an angry wank.
>> No. 443643 Anonymous
6th May 2021
Thursday 9:39 pm
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Bet you'd like that, cuntbubble.
>> No. 446083 Anonymous
13th September 2021
Monday 1:42 pm
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If arseholes and nose holes swapped places, would everyone pick their arsehole when nobody is looking or reach to their bum noseholes?
>> No. 446089 Anonymous
13th September 2021
Monday 3:39 pm
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>> No. 446095 Anonymous
13th September 2021
Monday 10:18 pm
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I do both anyway. The only trouble would be if I got the order mixed up.
>> No. 446098 Anonymous
13th September 2021
Monday 10:39 pm
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Have you ever picked your nose with one hand and picked your arsehole with the other at the same time? It's a very odd feeling but I think ultimately it brings you closer to oneness with your own body.
>> No. 446108 Anonymous
14th September 2021
Tuesday 2:59 pm
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Would you eat something massively revolting if you were promised a six-figure sum of money?

How about a creal bowl full of live, non-venomous spiders. Or eat someone's poo while they are watching. Or rotting meat from a supermarket skip in summer that's crawling with maggots. Would £100,000 in cash, yours to keep, make up for that kind of horror, and possibly a hospital stay for food poisoning?
>> No. 446109 Anonymous
14th September 2021
Tuesday 3:14 pm
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I think you might enjoy the show "Fear Factor" from the olden days. I hear the presenter is doing a radio show now or something.
>> No. 446110 Anonymous
14th September 2021
Tuesday 3:29 pm
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You've got this in my head now.

>> No. 446111 Anonymous
14th September 2021
Tuesday 3:35 pm
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In some cases yes, but not in all cases. I'd probably lick a scrotum for ten grand to be honest, but I wouldn't eat even one spider for ten times that.
>> No. 446112 Anonymous
14th September 2021
Tuesday 3:52 pm
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I don't think I'd be physically capable of eating live spiders, and I wouldn't do anything that might give me something nasty - I honestly wouldn't eat poorly stored cooked rice for that sort of money.

Boil those spiders up and we have a deal, though.
>> No. 446113 Anonymous
14th September 2021
Tuesday 3:57 pm
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I think you're overestimating how easy it would be to get the spiders into a bowl, let alone eat them from it.

But no, I don't think I would. I humilate myself all under my own steam quite often enough, so I'd probably just physically attack the person "offering" me this gambit and see how far I'd take that. I might kill them, probably not, but I don't know, I'm really not in the mood to be propositioned in this way.
>> No. 446114 Anonymous
14th September 2021
Tuesday 4:17 pm
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That's a good point. I would definitely kill someone for 100k, especially if it was just a "press this button and they die" type deal, but even if it was an actual hitman scenario, I'd give it a good go.

Given the choice between a bowl of spiders and murdering someone, the latter seems preferable, which is probably something I need to examine about myself.
>> No. 446115 Anonymous
14th September 2021
Tuesday 4:49 pm
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Yes. I might balk at being filmed or going through an application process but that's a lot of money and would make a real material difference in my life for what is just a physical dare of limited risk to my own life. I would have to draw the line at anything involving heights though.

If it's one of those Arab princes wanting his Doberman to knot my girlfriend then yeah, I'll join you lads in setting him on fire.
>> No. 446118 Anonymous
14th September 2021
Tuesday 5:40 pm
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That raises another point in this scenario, that I wouldn't trust the person making me an offer. If someone said "here drink my piss lmao" then £4000 right now would be plenty. But I still wouldn't do it, because there's no way I would trust them to actually pay me. They're just playing around to humiliate me. If they think so little of me to make such an offer, they don't respect me enough to pay up when I do it. Any offer like that, honestly, would be seen as an actual offer of zero because it's just a scam and they won't pay me.
>> No. 446119 Anonymous
14th September 2021
Tuesday 7:13 pm
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>> No. 446123 Anonymous
14th September 2021
Tuesday 10:08 pm
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I never said I was attacking them under the assumption I would make any money that way.
>> No. 446124 Anonymous
14th September 2021
Tuesday 10:29 pm
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I know, I just want to put it out there to the millionaires of .gs that I'm willing to kill for them, for the right price.
>> No. 446126 Anonymous
14th September 2021
Tuesday 11:28 pm
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>I would definitely kill someone for 100k, especially if it was just a "press this button and they die" type deal, but even if it was an actual hitman scenario, I'd give it a good go

I guess apart from where you stand morally on just killing an innocent person at random, it depends on how much you value your freedom, and how you figure the likelihood of getting caught and spending if not your entire life in prison, then at least a substantial part of it until early release.

Let's just say at some point you do get caught. Maybe a year or two later. If your main goal is to get back to your 100 grand plus interest when you get out of prison, then that's going to be difficult because your money will probably be taken from you after you're convicted, in accordance with the 2002 Proceeds of Crime Act. So your only chance is to hide that money, which also means you won't be able to invest it in a conventional kind of way with an ISA or stocks or property, because even if it wasn't confiscated after your murder trial, it would probably raise red flags under anti-money laundering legislation, and you'd again lose your 100 grand.

So you would have to hide the money somewhere in cash before you go to prison. With an average 2.5 percent UK inflation, after an early release after 15 years, your 100 grand will be equivalent to £69,046 in today's money. Not a good deal.

So the only way realistically to have £100K cash plus interest fifteen years in the future that nobody can take away from you is not killing anybody, and personal savings combined with a highly frugal lifestyle. Suppose you have a net income of somewhere around £25K from your current job. If you move into a bedsit, avoid all but the most necessary expenses for daily food and drink and clothing for 15 years and just do your job day in, day out, your quality of life will still be infinitely higher than being locked up in prison, and you should have no problem putting aside, and investing wisely enough money to end up with more than £100K plus fifteen years' interest.

Failing that, your biggest utility from the money you get for killing somebody will be to spend it all on hookers and cocaine blow through all of it before you get caught.
>> No. 446127 Anonymous
14th September 2021
Tuesday 11:49 pm
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What you so correctly highlight is that it is very easy to commit crimes, but very difficult to launder and access the proceeds. The Financial Services Act, the banks, are doing the work we most often think of the police doing.
>> No. 446128 Anonymous
15th September 2021
Wednesday 12:08 am
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Can I walk into a bank a drop £9k into my personal account without having anyone locking me up immediately?

I would do that at 10 different banks. Open an account and drop £9k. I would go home and clear it out buying Bitcoin or whatever.
>> No. 446129 Anonymous
15th September 2021
Wednesday 12:10 am
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In a lot of industries, large cash payments are no longer accepted, because of how much they have traditionally attracted attempts to launder money. You'll probably struggle to find an estate agent who will set up a deal with a seller where you just bring a briefcase full of cash. Likewise if you go to a luxury car dealership. Nobody wants to be an accessory to money laundering, because aside from substantial fines for not complying with the Money Laundering, daft militant wog Financing and Transfer of Funds Regulations of 2017, it can mean that you will never sell a house or a luxury car again.
>> No. 446130 Anonymous
15th September 2021
Wednesday 12:14 am
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No. £9k is way over the limit for Suspicious Activity Reports.
>> No. 446131 Anonymous
15th September 2021
Wednesday 12:21 am
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Surely £1000 a month would be okay? Just give yourself a raise. Set up a company and charge the millionaire for unspecified "consultancy services" if you must. Criminals launder money all the time; it cannot possibly be that hard.

On a side note, I recall reading somewhere that real-life hitmen aren't usually James Bond badasses at all, but low-level gangsters from the pub who really are being paid to just take the punishment more than anything else. One of those people, in real life, would probably kill someone for you for a fraction of £100,000.
>> No. 446133 Anonymous
15th September 2021
Wednesday 12:40 am
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You'd still have a murder investigation hanging over your head regardless of how well you obfuscate the source and the purpose of the £1,000. And then when it all unravels, you will have to answer both for murder and for money laundering.
>> No. 446134 Anonymous
15th September 2021
Wednesday 12:40 am
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What is the limit? I am sure I could open more bank accounts.

How about I use my savings to buy a literal laundromat? I could launder the money through there, and maybe even keep the shop if it is making me a profit.
>> No. 446135 Anonymous
15th September 2021
Wednesday 12:43 am
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I've often thought about this in terms of if I found a bag stuffed with cash one day. Obviously I'm not going to prison due to the long cited case of Finder v. Keepers but you'd probably want to avoid any awkward questions anyway.

My reckoning is your strategy is to use the cash to top-up a frugal standard of living. Pay with cash for the hairdresser but make sure you have some hair clippers in the house, do a fair amount of shopping at car boots and sometimes be seen selling stuff so it looks like you're just good at it. Go to charity shops for clothes and actually pay with cash at proper clothes shops.
>> No. 446136 Anonymous
15th September 2021
Wednesday 1:01 am
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>How about I use my savings to buy a literal laundromat?

Curiously, that is exactly how money laundering first entered the language. None other than Al Capone ran a chain of laundry businesses in 1930s Chicago to launder ill-gotten gains.
>> No. 446137 Anonymous
15th September 2021
Wednesday 1:05 am
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I'm not going to tell you the legal limit. Sorry. It varies by bank and given the amount of automation we use, it's super easy to spot people flouting the rules, whatever it is. But you're way off at £9k; for most banks, maybe a third of that.

Laundromat is okay, but they don't make enough money - your bank woud be checking that you deposited coins rather than cash. Until recently, minicab companies, takeaway food shops or nail/hair bars were the most common retail ways of laundering money - but everyone pays by contactless/card now, so even if you set one of those busineses up and started paying in lots of pound notes, you would soon attract the attention of any AML team.
>> No. 446138 Anonymous
15th September 2021
Wednesday 1:30 am
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That's exactly how it's done. Ever wonder why there's some takeaways that don't really seem to have many customers and yet never close?

I knew some people who sold some not legal things back in the day, it's not particularly hard to hide some money if you're patient and clever, but most dealers tend to be neither, and if they are, the money quickly gets out of hand.

There's ways to still stay under the radar, but you inevitably end up having to work with other organised crime elements, and if you ask me, the real risk in that whole game is other people. If there was a way to sell drugs truly solo, I think I'd be doing it.
>> No. 446139 Anonymous
15th September 2021
Wednesday 1:31 am
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Oh, completely forgot the point of my post, which is that crypto does help, a bit. But not enough to make it foolproof.
>> No. 446140 Anonymous
15th September 2021
Wednesday 1:35 am
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>How about I use my savings to buy a literal laundromat? I could launder the money through there
Just be careful to use a cold wash otherwise it'll ruin the plastic in the notes.

>I'm not going to tell you the legal limit.
Well you're no fun, are you?

There isn't a threshold in the UK, partly because the same regime is used for terror finance as money laundering, and partly to avoid precisely the structuring of payments below such a threshold.
>> No. 446141 Anonymous
15th September 2021
Wednesday 1:41 am
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Gambling winnings are not subject to tax. Casinos are subject to money laundering regulations, but bookmakers aren't. Unless you do something stupid, it's very hard to prove that you're a money launderer rather than a lucky punter.
>> No. 446142 Anonymous
15th September 2021
Wednesday 1:42 am
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About a year ago, before we got her finances in order, I had to pay for some things for my grandma, and then take the money back from her by way of visiting the cash machine every day and withdrawing the maximum, which I think was £300 at the time. It was around eight grand, in the end.

Would that have triggered any alarms, do you think? About halfway though, the machine ate my card and money and told me to talk to the manager, which I did and she just explained a receipt or something had made it into the machine and confused it. She never produced the receipt, which I thought was a bit odd at the time but didn't really care. I did wonder briefly if that was some sort of test, but then again I'm quite sure the best way to catch a money launderer is to not tip them off as soon as they've put 3 grand in cash in their account.

I have a friend who worked in casinos for a long time, apparently that's either the best or worst way to launder cash, depending on how you do it.
>> No. 446143 Anonymous
15th September 2021
Wednesday 1:44 am
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Crypto is all well and good but it's getting harder to find decent ways to get real money in and out of the system unless you're running both a printing scam and a crooked exchange. Many banks now won't even let you buy crypto at all and if you're regularly running something like Monero to Bitcoin to real money through an exchange that's doing KYC and AML properly they're likely to put a stop to it. You could instead use an exchange that doesn't do KYC and AML, but whichever bank you're using will probably SAR that shit if the exchange doesn't go poof and run away with your money and/or coins first.
>> No. 446144 Anonymous
15th September 2021
Wednesday 1:49 am
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I always thought selling used cars is probably a great way to launder money, be it opening an actual car dealer or just flipping bangers privately, nobody is ever going to raise an eyebrow at someone buying a Volvo for a few grand in cash, and I doubt there's much suspicious in paying 5 grand for a car that's usually worth 3, say - it's a volatile market. Every car you sell legitimately, you could just add a bit of your dirty money to the sale, right? Some dealers don't even give you a real receipt.
>> No. 446145 Anonymous
15th September 2021
Wednesday 1:49 am
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For a casino, could you not simply buy some chips, randomly roam around the floor for a bit, hang out near busy tables, and then cash out? Surely nobody's going to notice unless they specifically follow you on the CCTV and pay careful attention to the fact that you haven't actually used the chips.
>> No. 446146 Anonymous
15th September 2021
Wednesday 1:51 am
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Given the current shortage of cars and the knock-on effect that's having on the used car market, now would be an ideal time to do this.
>> No. 446148 Anonymous
15th September 2021
Wednesday 5:22 am
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>Surely nobody's going to notice unless they specifically follow you on the CCTV and pay careful attention to the fact that you haven't actually used the chips.

It's someone's entire job to do basically that. Casinos are bound by law to report any suspicious activity, and those activities are defined pretty clearly. Most, if not all casinos will already track your gambling anyway, as a matter of business, and if you cash out more than two grand they have to record the circumstances of your winnings. You're always, always being watched in a casino, and everyone who works there knows just how easily they could have charges brought against them if they ignored, or failed to notice, your suspicious activity.

There are definitely ways to use a casino for laundering, but walking the floor with chips that never see a table is the worst possible way of attempting it.
>> No. 446149 Anonymous
15th September 2021
Wednesday 7:05 am
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The thing is all this very strict and stringent AML regulation stuff is all pretty much hypothetical in reality.

I've worked for the betting arm of a certain major broadcaster, as well as the consumer credit arm of a certain large bank, so I've had a couple of jobs where I was forced to sit through several day's worth of training to get that stuff through my head. What occurred to me both times is that it was an awful lot like 'Elf n Safety laws. They're there to prevent liability, not to prevent it happening.

I'm sure high stakes venues like casinos are a lot more on the ball with it, but I really doubt it has anything to do with facing the wrath of the law. Probably a bit more like that one with Robert De Niro and Joe Pesci.
>> No. 446150 Anonymous
15th September 2021
Wednesday 10:52 am
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Modern casino chips have RFID tracking tags embedded in them for security purposes. Tracking all their chips all the time allows casinos to instantly detect theft and counterfeit chips. As a side effect, they get vast amounts of data on player activity. Somewhere in the bowels of the back office, a server will know precisely how much you wagered (or didn't wager). If you try that scheme with more than a few hundred pounds worth of chips, you'll instantly trigger an AML report.


Tell that to Billy Hills:

>> No. 446151 Anonymous
15th September 2021
Wednesday 11:15 am
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>pretty much hypothetical in reality

It absolutely isn't. I work in a bank and get all the same training; I've also worked in an AML/KYC department of a very well known ecommerce site. In that role I was, briefly, personally liable for any financial crime on that site - they chuck the fucking book at you if you mess around.

Look at some of the fines banks have had recently (eg HSBC).
>> No. 446152 Anonymous
15th September 2021
Wednesday 1:39 pm
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KYC, "know your customer", is indeed an important part of AML regulation. In short, you have to not only establish and store personal info on your customer as to their identity and their motivation to spend or keep money with you, but if your customer is a business or a corporation, you also have to work out who owns that company, and who are the beneficiaries of its profits.

And then if you believe you have spotted suspicious activity in dealing with that client, you have to report the attempted money laundering or militant daft woggery financing behind your client's back to UKFIU, who will take it from there. Failure to secretly report suspicious activity can result in substantial fines either against your employer or you as an employee.

It means a lot of additional paperwork, and the larger your company, the more you have to have organisational structures in place that do nothing else all day. As a small business, you will get away with either doing it all yourself or naming one of your four or five employees who will be responsible on top of their usual daily work. But I guess it's for a common good, because any ease of money laundering promotes organised crime, it means lost tax revenue, and it's an unfair advantage towards competitors who stay within the law.
>> No. 446162 Anonymous
15th September 2021
Wednesday 10:42 pm
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Are you telling me Paddy Power has an MI5 dossier on ever Stever, Daz and Gaz who bets there?
>> No. 446163 Anonymous
15th September 2021
Wednesday 11:09 pm
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>> No. 446166 Anonymous
15th September 2021
Wednesday 11:51 pm
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Not really. But they keep your name and personal info, and keep tabs on how much money you win or lose.

I'm not sure online casinoes are a good way to launder money though. At least not for the end consumer. The risk of losing large chunks of your illegal money is just too high.

"Real" casinoes, on the other hand, have always been a great way for organised crime to launder its proceeds. Especially in places like pre-revolution Cuba, with a corrupt military government looking the other way and the Mafia itself owning and operating dozens of casinoes up and down the island. There were lorry loads of cash money flown in from the U.S. to be laundered and turned into legitimate profits.

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