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Subject   (reply to 442884)
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>> No. 442884 Anonymous
23rd March 2021
Tuesday 12:43 am
442884 Hypotheticals
I sometimes play out hypothetical scenarios in my head and what I'd do. I thought it would make for an interesting thread if I started listing them and getting some solutions, it might even be a learning experience as there's usually things I don't have an answer to.

So my first go:

If you broke one of your legs, how fucked would you be? How about both? That's not a threat. I was thinking about it the other night and how, frankly, I'd probably give breaking my legs a miss. My main problem is that I live up a few flights of stairs with no disabled access so I'd be trapped. I assume you can ask a delivery driver to come upstairs if you explain your position, so I wouldn't starve, but if both my legs are broken there's getting home from the hospital or going back as the legs heal.

I'd probably have to move out and live with my parents for at least a year. Do removal companies offer a service where they will pack your things up even if you don't organise? I don't much fancy my family finding my fleshlight.
Expand all images.
>> No. 442885 Anonymous
23rd March 2021
Tuesday 1:08 am
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If I broke both legs, I would ask doctors to set the bones a little bit further apart than they used to be, so that when they healed, I would be taller. It wouldn't work if they only extended one leg, of course, so if I had to stay in hospital while one leg healed, I would almost certainly ask them to break the other one too.
>> No. 442886 Anonymous
23rd March 2021
Tuesday 1:26 am
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I've never broken a bone in my life despite being in many situations where it should have happened, so I have some abnormal bone density and I suppose if you tried I'd just beat the shit out of you to the point I could restrain you.
>> No. 442887 Anonymous
23rd March 2021
Tuesday 1:52 am
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>I'd probably have to move out and live with my parents for at least a year.

Bones don't take that long to heal - you'd be laid up for no more than eight weeks even if it was a fairly bad break. If you only broke one leg you should be able to get around fairly well on crutches. You'd be entitled to statutory sick pay and housing benefit, so even if you had to move in with your parents for a bit you should still be able to cover your rent.

I'd rather break both my legs than both my arms. A mate of mine fell off a wall when he was drunk and his mum had to wipe his arse for six weeks. Best thing that ever happened to him TBH, it was the wake-up call he needed to sort his fucking life out.
>> No. 442889 Anonymous
23rd March 2021
Tuesday 8:57 am
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"That's not a threat", he said, while posting the accompanying image.
>> No. 442890 Anonymous
23rd March 2021
Tuesday 12:21 pm
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I was crippled for about a year when i tore most of the ligaments in one of my knees clean in half. It was a interesting lesson in what one takes for granted.

What was intersting as a counter point is how much nicer everyone else was to me. It was like I stepped through a portal into another world where people would go out their way for me. I wonder if that is how the world is to pretty girls all the time.
>> No. 442895 Anonymous
23rd March 2021
Tuesday 8:37 pm
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Just protecting the place, mate. Wouldn't want anything to happen to this place when Purps is hosting off his work sever would we.

Did you make up a story to impress the girls?
>> No. 442896 Anonymous
23rd March 2021
Tuesday 9:09 pm
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Didn't need to. It was a rock climbing accident.

might have left out the part where it was a indoor gym in Hackney though
>> No. 442932 Anonymous
30th March 2021
Tuesday 9:00 pm
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If I posted an image with the words "I will poison you and consume your corpse to commit the most unique suicide via cannibalism", would you actually feel threatened by it?

Because that would be silly.
>> No. 442957 Anonymous
1st April 2021
Thursday 12:52 am
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Hypothetically, if I wanted to commit the most unique suicide, I would headbutt a landmine.
>Quick and painless
>Theatrical and visually impressive
>No external assistance required
>Hard to get wrong, as long as you're holding the landmine in your hands and smash it into your head like a dinner plate
>Extremely macho headbutt, wow, so brave
>One less landmine in the world, meaning I simultaneously get to save a Cambodian child
>> No. 442960 Anonymous
1st April 2021
Thursday 2:12 am
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My (hypothetical) choice is buying an illegal handgun and blowing my brains out. There are less risky ways to kill yourself and ones much easier but it takes sufficient effort to acquire an illegal firearm that I'd be sure of my action.

The challenge will be in convincing the Mancunian drug dealer that I merely want to own such a weapon for ideological reasons and ensuring it's of a sufficient calibre to do the job rather than cripple me. This is one of those thoughts nobody ever talks about because everyone would react badly but one with a safeguard where fucking it up would potentially lead to one of my hells as a deterrent.
>> No. 442961 Anonymous
1st April 2021
Thursday 1:52 pm
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Sorry to further derail, but I've always remembered the impractical advice of renting a convertible, top down, then rig some sort of device to decapitate you after supergluing your hand to your head. Piano wire along the road at head height was suggested but I don't see how that wouldn't also tear your arm off, ruining the effect.

Ultimately the goal is to be driving down the street with your decapitated head being held in your hand.
>> No. 442962 Anonymous
1st April 2021
Thursday 1:55 pm
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That's a bash.org quote that someone's turned into a car thing for whatever reason autophiles do what they do.
>> No. 442963 Anonymous
1st April 2021
Thursday 2:19 pm
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Ahh, yeah I couldn't remember where I'd read it. Odd punt on the autophile thing but all I remembered was an element of speed had to be involved. Forgot it was from falling.
>> No. 442964 Anonymous
1st April 2021
Thursday 3:59 pm
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I watched this mad film once where this young lad who's an enbalmer rigs up an elaborate machine so he can take out most of his organs and begin to preserve himself before this mechanical arm swings around to cut off his arm and behead him. It was magnificently grim.
>> No. 442976 Anonymous
1st April 2021
Thursday 10:39 pm
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There's an episode of The Simpsons where Snake tries to decapitate Homer using wire when he's driving. Instead, it cuts off Milhouse's dad's arm. I assume that's what you're thinking of, because it's certainly what I thought of.
>> No. 443592 Anonymous
5th May 2021
Wednesday 2:31 pm
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>Malian woman gives birth to nine babies

How fucked would you be if you found yourself with nine babies? I don't even know where to begin with that kind of challenge, presumably you can't keep some and put others up for adoption but I imagine state and family support can only stretch so far. Do they even have council houses big enough?
>> No. 443593 Anonymous
5th May 2021
Wednesday 2:43 pm
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I don't think they have council houses in Mali.

I'm not saying I regret having children, but I think my life would be a lot better if I didn't have them.
>> No. 443594 Anonymous
5th May 2021
Wednesday 2:47 pm
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>I don't think they have council houses in Mali.

Yeah but we're talking about what if you found out you had 9 kids. That seems like an impossible amount even if you didn't have them all at once, what could you possibly do?
>> No. 443595 Anonymous
5th May 2021
Wednesday 2:48 pm
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>presumably you can't keep some and put others up for adoption
Why not?
>> No. 443596 Anonymous
5th May 2021
Wednesday 3:05 pm
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Keith Mcdonald has at least 15 children.
>> No. 443597 Anonymous
5th May 2021
Wednesday 3:12 pm
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That article says he gets (£68.95+£44.00=£112.95) a week bennies and no other income but of that pays £5 per child, at 15 that's £75 leaving him with £37.95 per week to live on. This seems unlikely.
>> No. 443601 Anonymous
5th May 2021
Wednesday 3:15 pm
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You can only get paid child benefit for two sprogs now.
>> No. 443602 Anonymous
5th May 2021
Wednesday 3:23 pm
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At the time of that image in 2011 he had 10 kids, with the eleventh on the way. The latest I can see is from 2015:

>Mum has Sunderland Shagger’s 16th child

https://www. Please ban me/archives/news/238176/i-fell-for-britains-worst-dad/

(A good day to you Sir!)
>> No. 443603 Anonymous
5th May 2021
Wednesday 4:46 pm
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Get a grip mods, he was on topic.
>> No. 443604 Anonymous
5th May 2021
Wednesday 4:50 pm
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If they're going to ban the Mail, they should really include all online tabloids. But where's the fun in that?

Reading the Daily Mail is valuable, I believe. It tells you a lot about what 'Middle England' is thinking.
>> No. 443605 Anonymous
5th May 2021
Wednesday 5:09 pm
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It was a ban for linking to The Sun; as bad as The Mail is, I don't think they'd use "Sunderland Shagger" as a subheading.

I was fully expecting that ban. At least we've stopped the mods from their power trip of banning people for simply visiting Mail Online.
>> No. 443606 Anonymous
5th May 2021
Wednesday 5:28 pm
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The problem with banning specific newspapers is it implies other newspapers are beyond reproach. We can safely assume that the mods believe The Mirror, The Daily Express, The Telegraph, The Times, etc. are all exemplar examples of journalism that should be posted here more, if anything.

It's also insulting to our intelligence, as though .gs is too stupid to not be taken in by any obvious bullshit they print that we need to be protected from it.
>> No. 443607 Anonymous
5th May 2021
Wednesday 5:36 pm
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That's the argument against censorship in any capacity.
>> No. 443608 Anonymous
5th May 2021
Wednesday 5:39 pm
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Just because someone tells you not to eat literal shit doesn't mean you're being forced to eat anything else.
>> No. 443610 Anonymous
5th May 2021
Wednesday 5:48 pm
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Hypothetically speaking; what would happen if the mods didn't ban links to certain newspapers?
>> No. 443611 Anonymous
5th May 2021
Wednesday 5:57 pm
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It basically meant we'd end up with threads taking the piss out of articles like the one about 'Tiger Wives' from a few years back.

>> No. 443612 Anonymous
5th May 2021
Wednesday 6:40 pm
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I post in another online community where I fucking wish the moderators would ban Daily Mail links, but they refuse to do so because they are committed to impartial moderation. It was never too bad of a problem here because the Mail is a known quantity to us; your political stance doesn't matter, you still understand that the Mail is some of the most cancerous tabloid brain rot ever committed to print.

The trouble over there however is that Yanks are constantly posting shite from it without a hint of awareness that 99% of what's written in it is outright bollocks. When you try to point this out to them, they don't want to hear it because of confirmation bias. It's really weird actually. They get that Fox News is a reactionary propaganda mouthpeice, they understand Russia Today is not to be trusted, they'd even take the Guardian with a pinch of salt. But the Daily Mail? Totally unbiased and accurate bastion of modern journalism.
>> No. 443613 Anonymous
6th May 2021
Thursday 6:37 am
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The site would be a worse place to be. Hypothetically.
>> No. 443614 Anonymous
6th May 2021
Thursday 7:45 am
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I come here for the cunt offs. If anything an open door on the mail might spice up my life.
>> No. 443615 Anonymous
6th May 2021
Thursday 7:48 am
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That depends on whether you're a snowflake. Hypothetically.
>> No. 443618 Anonymous
6th May 2021
Thursday 8:22 am
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Snowflakism comes in many forms, including whinging on the internet that you're not allowed to post links to a shitrag on a three-user imageboard.
>> No. 443620 Anonymous
6th May 2021
Thursday 8:31 am
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You seem triggered.
>> No. 443621 Anonymous
6th May 2021
Thursday 8:36 am
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It's really embarrassing that you're using these phrases. What happened to just telling me I'm having a teary?
>> No. 443622 Anonymous
6th May 2021
Thursday 9:00 am
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Having a teary was always shit. Never a patch on trolled to tears or ape-like fists.
>> No. 443623 Anonymous
6th May 2021
Thursday 9:10 am
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Well done, you're a cretinous inchworm.
>> No. 443634 Anonymous
6th May 2021
Thursday 5:06 pm
443634 spacer
Have a fuckin' whinge there, cuz.
>> No. 443635 Anonymous
6th May 2021
Thursday 6:33 pm
443635 spacer
n1 m8 dem 2 wont no wot hit em
>> No. 443636 Anonymous
6th May 2021
Thursday 6:59 pm
443636 spacer
Go and have an angry wank.
>> No. 443643 Anonymous
6th May 2021
Thursday 9:39 pm
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Bet you'd like that, cuntbubble.
>> No. 446083 Anonymous
13th September 2021
Monday 1:42 pm
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If arseholes and nose holes swapped places, would everyone pick their arsehole when nobody is looking or reach to their bum noseholes?
>> No. 446089 Anonymous
13th September 2021
Monday 3:39 pm
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>> No. 446095 Anonymous
13th September 2021
Monday 10:18 pm
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I do both anyway. The only trouble would be if I got the order mixed up.
>> No. 446098 Anonymous
13th September 2021
Monday 10:39 pm
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Have you ever picked your nose with one hand and picked your arsehole with the other at the same time? It's a very odd feeling but I think ultimately it brings you closer to oneness with your own body.
>> No. 446108 Anonymous
14th September 2021
Tuesday 2:59 pm
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Would you eat something massively revolting if you were promised a six-figure sum of money?

How about a creal bowl full of live, non-venomous spiders. Or eat someone's poo while they are watching. Or rotting meat from a supermarket skip in summer that's crawling with maggots. Would £100,000 in cash, yours to keep, make up for that kind of horror, and possibly a hospital stay for food poisoning?
>> No. 446109 Anonymous
14th September 2021
Tuesday 3:14 pm
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I think you might enjoy the show "Fear Factor" from the olden days. I hear the presenter is doing a radio show now or something.
>> No. 446110 Anonymous
14th September 2021
Tuesday 3:29 pm
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You've got this in my head now.

>> No. 446111 Anonymous
14th September 2021
Tuesday 3:35 pm
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In some cases yes, but not in all cases. I'd probably lick a scrotum for ten grand to be honest, but I wouldn't eat even one spider for ten times that.
>> No. 446112 Anonymous
14th September 2021
Tuesday 3:52 pm
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I don't think I'd be physically capable of eating live spiders, and I wouldn't do anything that might give me something nasty - I honestly wouldn't eat poorly stored cooked rice for that sort of money.

Boil those spiders up and we have a deal, though.
>> No. 446113 Anonymous
14th September 2021
Tuesday 3:57 pm
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I think you're overestimating how easy it would be to get the spiders into a bowl, let alone eat them from it.

But no, I don't think I would. I humilate myself all under my own steam quite often enough, so I'd probably just physically attack the person "offering" me this gambit and see how far I'd take that. I might kill them, probably not, but I don't know, I'm really not in the mood to be propositioned in this way.
>> No. 446114 Anonymous
14th September 2021
Tuesday 4:17 pm
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That's a good point. I would definitely kill someone for 100k, especially if it was just a "press this button and they die" type deal, but even if it was an actual hitman scenario, I'd give it a good go.

Given the choice between a bowl of spiders and murdering someone, the latter seems preferable, which is probably something I need to examine about myself.
>> No. 446115 Anonymous
14th September 2021
Tuesday 4:49 pm
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Yes. I might balk at being filmed or going through an application process but that's a lot of money and would make a real material difference in my life for what is just a physical dare of limited risk to my own life. I would have to draw the line at anything involving heights though.

If it's one of those Arab princes wanting his Doberman to knot my girlfriend then yeah, I'll join you lads in setting him on fire.
>> No. 446118 Anonymous
14th September 2021
Tuesday 5:40 pm
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That raises another point in this scenario, that I wouldn't trust the person making me an offer. If someone said "here drink my piss lmao" then £4000 right now would be plenty. But I still wouldn't do it, because there's no way I would trust them to actually pay me. They're just playing around to humiliate me. If they think so little of me to make such an offer, they don't respect me enough to pay up when I do it. Any offer like that, honestly, would be seen as an actual offer of zero because it's just a scam and they won't pay me.
>> No. 446119 Anonymous
14th September 2021
Tuesday 7:13 pm
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>> No. 446123 Anonymous
14th September 2021
Tuesday 10:08 pm
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I never said I was attacking them under the assumption I would make any money that way.
>> No. 446124 Anonymous
14th September 2021
Tuesday 10:29 pm
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I know, I just want to put it out there to the millionaires of .gs that I'm willing to kill for them, for the right price.
>> No. 446126 Anonymous
14th September 2021
Tuesday 11:28 pm
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>I would definitely kill someone for 100k, especially if it was just a "press this button and they die" type deal, but even if it was an actual hitman scenario, I'd give it a good go

I guess apart from where you stand morally on just killing an innocent person at random, it depends on how much you value your freedom, and how you figure the likelihood of getting caught and spending if not your entire life in prison, then at least a substantial part of it until early release.

Let's just say at some point you do get caught. Maybe a year or two later. If your main goal is to get back to your 100 grand plus interest when you get out of prison, then that's going to be difficult because your money will probably be taken from you after you're convicted, in accordance with the 2002 Proceeds of Crime Act. So your only chance is to hide that money, which also means you won't be able to invest it in a conventional kind of way with an ISA or stocks or property, because even if it wasn't confiscated after your murder trial, it would probably raise red flags under anti-money laundering legislation, and you'd again lose your 100 grand.

So you would have to hide the money somewhere in cash before you go to prison. With an average 2.5 percent UK inflation, after an early release after 15 years, your 100 grand will be equivalent to £69,046 in today's money. Not a good deal.

So the only way realistically to have £100K cash plus interest fifteen years in the future that nobody can take away from you is not killing anybody, and personal savings combined with a highly frugal lifestyle. Suppose you have a net income of somewhere around £25K from your current job. If you move into a bedsit, avoid all but the most necessary expenses for daily food and drink and clothing for 15 years and just do your job day in, day out, your quality of life will still be infinitely higher than being locked up in prison, and you should have no problem putting aside, and investing wisely enough money to end up with more than £100K plus fifteen years' interest.

Failing that, your biggest utility from the money you get for killing somebody will be to spend it all on hookers and cocaine blow through all of it before you get caught.
>> No. 446127 Anonymous
14th September 2021
Tuesday 11:49 pm
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What you so correctly highlight is that it is very easy to commit crimes, but very difficult to launder and access the proceeds. The Financial Services Act, the banks, are doing the work we most often think of the police doing.
>> No. 446128 Anonymous
15th September 2021
Wednesday 12:08 am
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Can I walk into a bank a drop £9k into my personal account without having anyone locking me up immediately?

I would do that at 10 different banks. Open an account and drop £9k. I would go home and clear it out buying Bitcoin or whatever.
>> No. 446129 Anonymous
15th September 2021
Wednesday 12:10 am
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In a lot of industries, large cash payments are no longer accepted, because of how much they have traditionally attracted attempts to launder money. You'll probably struggle to find an estate agent who will set up a deal with a seller where you just bring a briefcase full of cash. Likewise if you go to a luxury car dealership. Nobody wants to be an accessory to money laundering, because aside from substantial fines for not complying with the Money Laundering, daft militant wog Financing and Transfer of Funds Regulations of 2017, it can mean that you will never sell a house or a luxury car again.
>> No. 446130 Anonymous
15th September 2021
Wednesday 12:14 am
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No. £9k is way over the limit for Suspicious Activity Reports.
>> No. 446131 Anonymous
15th September 2021
Wednesday 12:21 am
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Surely £1000 a month would be okay? Just give yourself a raise. Set up a company and charge the millionaire for unspecified "consultancy services" if you must. Criminals launder money all the time; it cannot possibly be that hard.

On a side note, I recall reading somewhere that real-life hitmen aren't usually James Bond badasses at all, but low-level gangsters from the pub who really are being paid to just take the punishment more than anything else. One of those people, in real life, would probably kill someone for you for a fraction of £100,000.
>> No. 446133 Anonymous
15th September 2021
Wednesday 12:40 am
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You'd still have a murder investigation hanging over your head regardless of how well you obfuscate the source and the purpose of the £1,000. And then when it all unravels, you will have to answer both for murder and for money laundering.
>> No. 446134 Anonymous
15th September 2021
Wednesday 12:40 am
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What is the limit? I am sure I could open more bank accounts.

How about I use my savings to buy a literal laundromat? I could launder the money through there, and maybe even keep the shop if it is making me a profit.
>> No. 446135 Anonymous
15th September 2021
Wednesday 12:43 am
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I've often thought about this in terms of if I found a bag stuffed with cash one day. Obviously I'm not going to prison due to the long cited case of Finder v. Keepers but you'd probably want to avoid any awkward questions anyway.

My reckoning is your strategy is to use the cash to top-up a frugal standard of living. Pay with cash for the hairdresser but make sure you have some hair clippers in the house, do a fair amount of shopping at car boots and sometimes be seen selling stuff so it looks like you're just good at it. Go to charity shops for clothes and actually pay with cash at proper clothes shops.
>> No. 446136 Anonymous
15th September 2021
Wednesday 1:01 am
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>How about I use my savings to buy a literal laundromat?

Curiously, that is exactly how money laundering first entered the language. None other than Al Capone ran a chain of laundry businesses in 1930s Chicago to launder ill-gotten gains.
>> No. 446137 Anonymous
15th September 2021
Wednesday 1:05 am
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I'm not going to tell you the legal limit. Sorry. It varies by bank and given the amount of automation we use, it's super easy to spot people flouting the rules, whatever it is. But you're way off at £9k; for most banks, maybe a third of that.

Laundromat is okay, but they don't make enough money - your bank woud be checking that you deposited coins rather than cash. Until recently, minicab companies, takeaway food shops or nail/hair bars were the most common retail ways of laundering money - but everyone pays by contactless/card now, so even if you set one of those busineses up and started paying in lots of pound notes, you would soon attract the attention of any AML team.
>> No. 446138 Anonymous
15th September 2021
Wednesday 1:30 am
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That's exactly how it's done. Ever wonder why there's some takeaways that don't really seem to have many customers and yet never close?

I knew some people who sold some not legal things back in the day, it's not particularly hard to hide some money if you're patient and clever, but most dealers tend to be neither, and if they are, the money quickly gets out of hand.

There's ways to still stay under the radar, but you inevitably end up having to work with other organised crime elements, and if you ask me, the real risk in that whole game is other people. If there was a way to sell drugs truly solo, I think I'd be doing it.
>> No. 446139 Anonymous
15th September 2021
Wednesday 1:31 am
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Oh, completely forgot the point of my post, which is that crypto does help, a bit. But not enough to make it foolproof.
>> No. 446140 Anonymous
15th September 2021
Wednesday 1:35 am
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>How about I use my savings to buy a literal laundromat? I could launder the money through there
Just be careful to use a cold wash otherwise it'll ruin the plastic in the notes.

>I'm not going to tell you the legal limit.
Well you're no fun, are you?

There isn't a threshold in the UK, partly because the same regime is used for terror finance as money laundering, and partly to avoid precisely the structuring of payments below such a threshold.
>> No. 446141 Anonymous
15th September 2021
Wednesday 1:41 am
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Gambling winnings are not subject to tax. Casinos are subject to money laundering regulations, but bookmakers aren't. Unless you do something stupid, it's very hard to prove that you're a money launderer rather than a lucky punter.
>> No. 446142 Anonymous
15th September 2021
Wednesday 1:42 am
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About a year ago, before we got her finances in order, I had to pay for some things for my grandma, and then take the money back from her by way of visiting the cash machine every day and withdrawing the maximum, which I think was £300 at the time. It was around eight grand, in the end.

Would that have triggered any alarms, do you think? About halfway though, the machine ate my card and money and told me to talk to the manager, which I did and she just explained a receipt or something had made it into the machine and confused it. She never produced the receipt, which I thought was a bit odd at the time but didn't really care. I did wonder briefly if that was some sort of test, but then again I'm quite sure the best way to catch a money launderer is to not tip them off as soon as they've put 3 grand in cash in their account.

I have a friend who worked in casinos for a long time, apparently that's either the best or worst way to launder cash, depending on how you do it.
>> No. 446143 Anonymous
15th September 2021
Wednesday 1:44 am
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Crypto is all well and good but it's getting harder to find decent ways to get real money in and out of the system unless you're running both a printing scam and a crooked exchange. Many banks now won't even let you buy crypto at all and if you're regularly running something like Monero to Bitcoin to real money through an exchange that's doing KYC and AML properly they're likely to put a stop to it. You could instead use an exchange that doesn't do KYC and AML, but whichever bank you're using will probably SAR that shit if the exchange doesn't go poof and run away with your money and/or coins first.
>> No. 446144 Anonymous
15th September 2021
Wednesday 1:49 am
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I always thought selling used cars is probably a great way to launder money, be it opening an actual car dealer or just flipping bangers privately, nobody is ever going to raise an eyebrow at someone buying a Volvo for a few grand in cash, and I doubt there's much suspicious in paying 5 grand for a car that's usually worth 3, say - it's a volatile market. Every car you sell legitimately, you could just add a bit of your dirty money to the sale, right? Some dealers don't even give you a real receipt.
>> No. 446145 Anonymous
15th September 2021
Wednesday 1:49 am
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For a casino, could you not simply buy some chips, randomly roam around the floor for a bit, hang out near busy tables, and then cash out? Surely nobody's going to notice unless they specifically follow you on the CCTV and pay careful attention to the fact that you haven't actually used the chips.
>> No. 446146 Anonymous
15th September 2021
Wednesday 1:51 am
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Given the current shortage of cars and the knock-on effect that's having on the used car market, now would be an ideal time to do this.
>> No. 446148 Anonymous
15th September 2021
Wednesday 5:22 am
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>Surely nobody's going to notice unless they specifically follow you on the CCTV and pay careful attention to the fact that you haven't actually used the chips.

It's someone's entire job to do basically that. Casinos are bound by law to report any suspicious activity, and those activities are defined pretty clearly. Most, if not all casinos will already track your gambling anyway, as a matter of business, and if you cash out more than two grand they have to record the circumstances of your winnings. You're always, always being watched in a casino, and everyone who works there knows just how easily they could have charges brought against them if they ignored, or failed to notice, your suspicious activity.

There are definitely ways to use a casino for laundering, but walking the floor with chips that never see a table is the worst possible way of attempting it.
>> No. 446149 Anonymous
15th September 2021
Wednesday 7:05 am
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The thing is all this very strict and stringent AML regulation stuff is all pretty much hypothetical in reality.

I've worked for the betting arm of a certain major broadcaster, as well as the consumer credit arm of a certain large bank, so I've had a couple of jobs where I was forced to sit through several day's worth of training to get that stuff through my head. What occurred to me both times is that it was an awful lot like 'Elf n Safety laws. They're there to prevent liability, not to prevent it happening.

I'm sure high stakes venues like casinos are a lot more on the ball with it, but I really doubt it has anything to do with facing the wrath of the law. Probably a bit more like that one with Robert De Niro and Joe Pesci.
>> No. 446150 Anonymous
15th September 2021
Wednesday 10:52 am
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Modern casino chips have RFID tracking tags embedded in them for security purposes. Tracking all their chips all the time allows casinos to instantly detect theft and counterfeit chips. As a side effect, they get vast amounts of data on player activity. Somewhere in the bowels of the back office, a server will know precisely how much you wagered (or didn't wager). If you try that scheme with more than a few hundred pounds worth of chips, you'll instantly trigger an AML report.


Tell that to Billy Hills:

>> No. 446151 Anonymous
15th September 2021
Wednesday 11:15 am
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>pretty much hypothetical in reality

It absolutely isn't. I work in a bank and get all the same training; I've also worked in an AML/KYC department of a very well known ecommerce site. In that role I was, briefly, personally liable for any financial crime on that site - they chuck the fucking book at you if you mess around.

Look at some of the fines banks have had recently (eg HSBC).
>> No. 446152 Anonymous
15th September 2021
Wednesday 1:39 pm
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KYC, "know your customer", is indeed an important part of AML regulation. In short, you have to not only establish and store personal info on your customer as to their identity and their motivation to spend or keep money with you, but if your customer is a business or a corporation, you also have to work out who owns that company, and who are the beneficiaries of its profits.

And then if you believe you have spotted suspicious activity in dealing with that client, you have to report the attempted money laundering or militant daft woggery financing behind your client's back to UKFIU, who will take it from there. Failure to secretly report suspicious activity can result in substantial fines either against your employer or you as an employee.

It means a lot of additional paperwork, and the larger your company, the more you have to have organisational structures in place that do nothing else all day. As a small business, you will get away with either doing it all yourself or naming one of your four or five employees who will be responsible on top of their usual daily work. But I guess it's for a common good, because any ease of money laundering promotes organised crime, it means lost tax revenue, and it's an unfair advantage towards competitors who stay within the law.
>> No. 446162 Anonymous
15th September 2021
Wednesday 10:42 pm
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Are you telling me Paddy Power has an MI5 dossier on ever Stever, Daz and Gaz who bets there?
>> No. 446163 Anonymous
15th September 2021
Wednesday 11:09 pm
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>> No. 446166 Anonymous
15th September 2021
Wednesday 11:51 pm
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Not really. But they keep your name and personal info, and keep tabs on how much money you win or lose.

I'm not sure online casinoes are a good way to launder money though. At least not for the end consumer. The risk of losing large chunks of your illegal money is just too high.

"Real" casinoes, on the other hand, have always been a great way for organised crime to launder its proceeds. Especially in places like pre-revolution Cuba, with a corrupt military government looking the other way and the Mafia itself owning and operating dozens of casinoes up and down the island. There were lorry loads of cash money flown in from the U.S. to be laundered and turned into legitimate profits.
>> No. 446658 Anonymous
3rd October 2021
Sunday 2:08 pm
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Say you wanted to raise a child to not be bullied or be a bully: Is it just a matter of making sure they have close friends to watch out for each other and to teach them how to behave towards others? Would you send them to summer camps to build independence and self-confidence?

I'd say that it might also be worth thinking about the school but then everyone I've met who went to a good public school described it as a place of horrible bullying and constant fights.
>> No. 446660 Anonymous
3rd October 2021
Sunday 2:41 pm
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Lesson 1: Life isn't fair. It'd be nice if it was, but it isn't. People do bad things and get away with it, people do good things without being rewarded. Your job in life is to try and avoid as much of that unfairness as possible and try to make things fairer when you can. Sometimes you need to push back against unfairness, sometimes you need to just accept it, but you won't always get it right and there will always be consequences.

Lesson 2: Some people are just horrible bastards. They might have a good reason to be a horrible bastard, but they take pleasure in making other people miserable and can't be reasoned with. In your adult life you'll usually be able to avoid horrible bastards most of the time, but in school you're just stuck with them, so treat it as an opportunity to practice dealing with them.

Lesson 3: Getting your head kicked in or getting a massive bollocking isn't the end of the world. The fear is almost always worse than the reality. Fighting for no good reason is stupid, but being willing to fight even if you expect to lose makes you far more powerful than someone who will always back down.

Lesson 4: There is nothing that bastards fear more than solidarity. Help people, help people to help people, bring people together in common purpose and you can do incredible things. When you stick up for other people, you give them the courage to stick up for you. That doesn't mean they always will, some people are just selfish bastards (so learn to spot them), but you can't expect someone to have your back if you don't have theirs.

Lesson 5: Dignity is priceless, but it has a cost. You'll often have to choose between doing the easy thing and the right thing. If you always do the easy thing, you'll turn into a snivelling wretch and you won't be able to look yourself in the mirror. If you always do the right thing, you'll get ground down by life. Do the right thing when you can and the easy thing when you have to. Don't be a martyr and don't confuse dignity with pride.
>> No. 446661 Anonymous
3rd October 2021
Sunday 3:53 pm
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All well and good but how do you teach a child these things.
>> No. 446662 Anonymous
3rd October 2021
Sunday 4:09 pm
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You have to be around for the kid, listen to their concerns and take them seriously as and when they come up. There's no training course you can devise for them that'll be able to account for the events in their life ahead of time.
>> No. 446663 Anonymous
3rd October 2021
Sunday 4:27 pm
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One day at a time. If you're having meaningful conversations about what's happening in their life, there'll be plenty of opportunities to discuss the issues and impart a basic framework of pragmatic morality.

It's not rocket science, but we usually fail to take children seriously. We see their problems as trivial, without considering that the way they deal with those trivial problems will shape them for life. We offer them vacuous platitudes and tell them what we wish was true, because we lack the courage to be honest. We forget how turbulent childhood can be, how momentous small things can seem to a child.
>> No. 446664 Anonymous
4th October 2021
Monday 2:36 pm
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There is another lesson that is often overlooked: bullies and bastards DO NOT LIKE FIGHTING. I know, it is counterintuitive but please bear with me. Bullies love to bully, but only towards soft targets. As soon as a bully notices that the target is willing, able, and perhaps eager to hurt him the bully will lose interest and find a softer target. This is valid even in cases when the bully would win: what's the point in going through a fight when there are targets that will take the beating and submit?

This lesson will be very useful in the future: by marking yourself as an "hard target" you will save yourself the vast majority of unwelcome attentions.
>> No. 446729 Anonymous
6th October 2021
Wednesday 8:13 am
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This is correct. As someone was bullied quite harshly until I flipped and brayed a kid on the bus, I wish my parents had given me one simple lesson. If someone's giving you shit, don't be afraid the thump the cunt straight in the lugs. It all stopped overnight after that, it was a thing to behold.

It's not a very morally complex lesson, but if you want to make sure a kid doesn't get bullies that's the one that actually matters.

Obviously don't teach them it's okay to go throwing their weight around; but the advice teachers and TV shows and prevailing nicey nicey middle class ideals give you are absolutely categorically wrong. Running to the teachers won't get you anywhere a vast majority of the time, but standing up for yourself will stop it before it even begins.
>> No. 446752 Anonymous
6th October 2021
Wednesday 1:17 pm
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Every time I spoke with a child psycho or a school counselor, she always told me to be nice, to smile, and to ignore or appease them. I wonder if it is a way for the professional to legally cover her ass if the child ends up sending the bully to the ER. Probably it is just because psychologists (and women in general) tend to have a soft spot for bullies. Whenever I stood up to bullies I was disciplined harshily, while bullies always got excused and cuddled.
>> No. 446759 Anonymous
6th October 2021
Wednesday 2:10 pm
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Tut tut, yanklad.
>> No. 446760 Anonymous
6th October 2021
Wednesday 3:12 pm
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I have a similar story from year 4, where a lass at school was ruthlessly teasing me, so I twatted her in the temple with my forefinger and middle finger in a karate chop fashion. It did not occur to me until much later in life that she might have been flirting with me.
>> No. 446761 Anonymous
6th October 2021
Wednesday 3:15 pm
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I wonder if there are any instances where a teacher absolutely battered a bully. It must have happened, but I can't think of one. Maybe teachers have a special omerta where they don't report each other. Or maybe they do get reported, and only the Daily Express reports on it to cheer and praise our brave murderous school heroes for defending truth and justice.
>> No. 446762 Anonymous
6th October 2021
Wednesday 3:33 pm
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A teacher at my old high school snapped and knocked a lad out, but everyone agreed that the little arsehole had it coming and so it was all just brushed under the carpet.
>> No. 447353 Anonymous
25th October 2021
Monday 9:26 pm
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Long-term relationship lads, if you and your partner had met at a different age do you think you would've gotten along? Would things have played out differently even if you were both aware of the future you have now?
>> No. 447354 Anonymous
25th October 2021
Monday 9:37 pm
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Absolutely. We wouldn't have got on at all because she'd still have been in her pretend dyke intolerable student phase, and I would still have been the kind of cunt who thought saying the nigger word was funny and transgressive.

Turns out I still think she's a bit intolerable studenty twat and she probably still thinks I'm a bit of a racist arsehole on the inside. But we've got a flat and bills to pay so really you just have to make the best of things don't you? And worst of all, we're probably both correct.

The older I get the more I become aware that people have a quite fundamental paradox. People never stop developing or growing, but at the same time, nobody ever really changes much.
>> No. 447355 Anonymous
25th October 2021
Monday 11:04 pm
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I met my partner at the exact time that I had a paradigm shift where having a long-term partner became a desirable thing. Had I met her even a few months earlier, I would have bedded her and then conveniently become too busy at work to go any further. I'm not proud of who I was through most of my 20s, in hindsight, but I am very thankful that I met her when I did, and that I got all of my shagging out of the way when I was still a young stud. I know a few men in the late 20s / early 30s who are getting cold feet about their long-term relationships because they feel like they didn't really experience all their later adolescence had to offer, one lad even called off an engagement over it, but I'm very comfortable with my sexual exploits and couldn't ever imagine going back to a life without my partner.
>> No. 448252 Anonymous
8th December 2021
Wednesday 1:35 pm
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What would you do if you woke up one day and everyone else had vanished leaving you totally alone?
>> No. 448253 Anonymous
8th December 2021
Wednesday 2:06 pm
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Depends, is all the leccy and that still going, by some kind of contrivance? Or am I totally alone and will have to start Ray Mears-ing within a matter of days?

If it's a realistic take on the situation, ehh, I'd probably top myself after a few weeks. It's one thing to be alone, but another thing to have to struggle like a polar island castaway amidst the ruins of civilisation, on a hostile and relatively barren rock like Great Britain ultimately is. The landscape here has been so completely terraformed to fit the needs of a human society that I'm doubtful if it's even capable of supporting you. I'm sure at first you'd be able to scrounge a few solar panels to power your kettle, and live off the stockpiles of Pot Noodle and Volvic in the local Tesco Express; but eventually you'd have to branch out, and I don't think this country's remaining ecosystem would be very forgiving.

If it's less realistic and the utilities still work somehow, then it'd be a different matter. It'd be good fun just roaming around, living in different people's houses each night, taking different cars for a spin, and maybe finally playing some of those RPGs I've had cluttering up my Steam library. I'd eventually go loopy and start making up imaginary friends and so on, obviously, but I don't think it'd be that bad.
>> No. 448254 Anonymous
8th December 2021
Wednesday 2:37 pm
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It'd be bliss. As otherlad says, I'd be a bit annoyed if there was no leccy, but even then I'd pop straight to machine mart and grab some generators. Then I could siphon buses for diesel and probably that'd keep me going indefinitely, or at least until I figured out how to tap into a petrol stations tanks.

Then I'd just go find a nice house, maybe Alan Shearer's place, that's quite nice, and I'd fuck around driving nice cars around until all the petrol went stale.

I'd love it, power or not. All I want is solitude.
>> No. 448255 Anonymous
8th December 2021
Wednesday 2:45 pm
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I actually had that thought circulating in my mind earlier this year. The first thing I'd do is check really hard that everyone definitely was gone, probably lighting a pyre on top of a massive building or something to do that. However, one horrible thought I've had would be "what about the pets?" Because even if I dedicated all my time to freeing them, so many poor bloody animals are going to die of neglect and there's not really anything I can do. I'm not even thinking about the farm animals currently wintering in sheds either, but they are also buggered.

Ultimately I'd just wander around for ages and then die when my lung collapses again. Despite a nurse telling me you can jam a pen in there in a pinch, that's not really a long term fix. I do now know my way around a hospital somewhat, so finding drugss shouldn't be too hard.

You can still take cars for a spin even if everything stopped working and I think there's probably enough tinned and jarred food to keep you going for ages and ages. We've got enough camping shops in this country too, so overcoming the ecosystem shouldn't be too bad.
>> No. 448256 Anonymous
8th December 2021
Wednesday 2:45 pm
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>eventually you'd have to branch out, and I don't think this country's remaining ecosystem would be very forgiving

Britain has something close to the ideal climate for survival. It's never dangerously hot or cold, we rarely get droughts severe enough to cause crop failures and there's something to eat pretty much year-round. It's also worth bearing in mind that tins, jars and dried foods have a near-indefinite shelf life if stored properly.


Forage a large diesel generator, head to Jodrell Bank, hook up a spark gap to the big dish and tell the aliens to fuck off.
>> No. 448260 Anonymous
8th December 2021
Wednesday 3:37 pm
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You're probably closest so far to what I'd do, because I would be in denial the whole time. The first thought I'd have when my radio woke me up with the emergency "there's nobody here to broadcast" wouldn't be that I can now wave my dick in the street; it would be that the radio's broken. If the TV's doing the same thing, okay, better look online. If the streets are empty too, I'd make a note to ask the people I work with when I arrive there. It would honestly take forever for me to go feral, because however eager I am to go looting and shit on my neighbour's bonnet, it would be far too embarrassing to get caught for me to actually give it a go. So I'd probably loot a very small amount of food from a shop I could get into, and then I would try to wait it out. I live fairly independently anyway.I'm all alone and I could get away with it for a week or two quite easily. I'd probablyeven still obtain Christmas presents for people in case they return.
>> No. 448262 Anonymous
8th December 2021
Wednesday 4:34 pm
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I'm not so sure m8, sure you've got tinned peaches and all the rice you can pack, but you'd go mad for a bit of meat after a while; and although I was a keen shot with the air rifle in my youth I haven't used the thing in years and I'd only wind up giving myself TB off undercooked pigeon or something. I'd certainly have no idea where to start if I just smashed a sheep over the head and dragged it home to try and butcher it.

So many of the things we take for granted are dependant on someone else having the skills you can't possibly learn all to yourself in one lifetime; and being the sort of person who does know how to do all that shit means you're unlikely to have other skills like knowledge of drugs or maintaining vehicles or electrics or whatever.

Like yeah, in theory I know where to go to steal a genny, I know I could wire it up in place of a house's mains supply, and live like a king scavenging and hunting and joyriding with everything all to myself. But being honest and serious with myself about it, I think it's pretty likely I'd get to stage two or three of that plan, and then realise quite quickly that I utterly lack the knowledge in practical terms of how to actually do it; and I wouldn't be able to just google it to find out. So instead I'd end up just sitting in the dark, cooking super noodles over a camping stove, bored out of my tits.

I suppose you could break into a library and gradually teach yourself a lot of that stuff the old fashioned way out of books, mind you. It's just that you'd have to go through weeks and months of hardship discovering that you really don't know as much as you thought you knew first.
>> No. 448266 Anonymous
8th December 2021
Wednesday 5:15 pm
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I suppose the post-apocalypse looks very different if you're an engineer. That kind of stuff is bread-and-butter to me - I rewired my own house, I fix my own appliances and I've built steam engines from scrap metal in my shed. I've got no idea how a combine harvester works, but I'd relish the opportunity to have a go.

Rebooting civilisation from scratch is unbelievably complex, but you aren't faced with that problem if you're the last man on earth. You've got a near-limitless supply of materials and spare parts, so you're constrained mainly by stuff with a short shelf-life and your own initiative.

Getting the electrics on really isn't a priority. The essentials of life are water, food and fuel. None of those would be difficult to come by in this scenario. Stealing a transit van and looting your local supermarket will give you a good year of runway in terms of food and water, even if you're an absolute fuckwit. Fuel is easy if you just have the initiative to take over a house with solid fuel stoves - your local B&Q will have several tonnes of decent firewood and your local coal merchant will have a lifetime supply of coal. Get a little kitchen garden going, set up rainwater collection or find a well, round up some chickens, maintain a decent grain store and you're sweet as a nut.

Personally, my immediate priority would be horses. Fuel only has a shelf life of a few years. Tyres, hoses and belts will all perish after a decade. The roads will turn to shit after a couple of harsh winters with no maintenance. You could maybe keep an old landie running on vegetable oil, but I'd focus my efforts on finding and looking after some work horses.
>> No. 448270 Anonymous
8th December 2021
Wednesday 5:46 pm
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You reckon you could get London to burn with a bit of effort? Pick a warm windy day and start a few fires upwind?
(I got here from 'how to build a really big beacon to attract the last remaining woman, since I reckon wanking would get old after a few years, and sheep just aren't really that attractive when you get right down to it.)
HorseLad up there probably has the right idea, and horses take enough looking after that it'd be something to do other than wanking myself raw. In fact, other than actually eating sheep, life would be much the same as now. Look after horses, sheep and dog, make massive fires. I suppose I'd grow and store veg, and assume that I'll be dead before all the tins in all the shops are toxic. Fewer meetings, I suppose.
>> No. 448271 Anonymous
8th December 2021
Wednesday 6:16 pm
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I'm not an engineer but I'm definitely that way inclined, I can rebuild an engine, wire a house, that sort of thing. I'm also a camping dweeb so have learned quite a lot on how to live off the land, scavenge and so forth, I'm a pretty good shot with a rifle, sort of know how to hunt, and definitely know how to butcher an animal.

Honestly my hobbies have sort of accidentally gave me all the sorts of skills the mad preppers wank over. This must be why everyone on .gs tells everyone to get some hobbies.

Assuming it's not an EMP type scenario, I have loads of survival adjacent guides saved on computers too, most notably biodiesel production and farming guides. Not with a mind for the apocalypse, literally because I'm a boring wonk who wants to try these sorts of things for fun.

There's no way I'd ever be lucky enough to be left alone with the world (more realistically the country, though I can also fly a plane I suppose) as my playground. I can only hope VR is good enough when I'm old that they can just strap me into this exact simulation and leave me in there until death comes.
>> No. 448272 Anonymous
8th December 2021
Wednesday 6:18 pm
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>However, one horrible thought I've had would be "what about the pets?" Because even if I dedicated all my time to freeing them, so many poor bloody animals are going to die of neglect and there's not really anything I can do. I'm not even thinking about the farm animals currently wintering in sheds either, but they are also buggered.

Probably worth thinking instead about all the packs of starving dogs that will soon be wandering the streets. Sooner or later they'll probably corner and eat you even if you carry around tins of food.
>> No. 448273 Anonymous
8th December 2021
Wednesday 8:34 pm
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Have you been in a library lately? There won't be many books on that if any in your local.
>> No. 448274 Anonymous
8th December 2021
Wednesday 8:47 pm
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>You reckon you could get London to burn with a bit of effort? Pick a warm windy day and start a few fires upwind?

Nah, it's all brick and concrete these days, there's just not enough fuel. There are probably a few tower blocks that would go up like a Roman candle, but the Great Fire needed wooden frames and thatched roofs to keep spreading.
>> No. 450261 Anonymous
29th March 2022
Tuesday 6:18 pm
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What would be the best way for your future self to make contact with you and have you believe what he is telling you? Assuming he has the recollection of present events from 20 years in the future so wouldn't remember some detail he could tell you about an ordinary day. Thinking about this from the perspective of a paranoid recluse I'm liable to just assume anything like my card numbers or address would be a case of identity theft so I'm at a loss - perhaps I could give a stock market prediction but then I would almost certainly try and exploit it and thereby interfere with the result.

Asking for a friend of yours.
>> No. 450262 Anonymous
29th March 2022
Tuesday 7:57 pm
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I have a code phrase. I've never said it out loud; the only possible way to know the phrase is to either be me, or have scanned my brain. If it's the latter I'm fucked anyway, so I don't see that as a real issue.
>> No. 450263 Anonymous
29th March 2022
Tuesday 9:02 pm
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I know my address from 20 years ago, so I assume I would write a letter there (my parents still live there now). The letter would probably tell me which girl I fancied at the time, because it was a secret and I would never tell anyone such a thing. I might even rate the other girls from my class in my own personal order of attractiveness. I still have a class photo from 20 years ago, so I can use that. I also have a class photo from 19 years ago, so I could name the kids who will join my class in a few months next school year, if I have that long. I'm communicating via time-travelling letter so I assume I do.

A Facebook friend from primary school had her account hacked a few years ago, and started posting spam, and then sent me a message saying sorry for all the spam and please add her new account and delete the old one. This really happened, and it had probably been about 20 years at the time since I last saw her, so I tested her veracity by asking her who our primary school teacher was in a specific year. I can't imagine a spammer or hacker having access to that information, and she knew, so I used that as confirmation that it was really Hannah (who, in the year in question, was ranked second in the most-fancied-girls-in-my-class list).
>> No. 450269 Anonymous
30th March 2022
Wednesday 12:12 am
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>I might even rate the other girls from my class in my own personal order of attractiveness

How would a ranking of girls in order of chub help your younger self, have you always had the same sexual preference in your school girls?
>> No. 450270 Anonymous
30th March 2022
Wednesday 12:15 am
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>it had probably been about 20 years at the time since I last saw her, so I tested her veracity
Why not simply not have people you have no real connection to on Facebook?
>> No. 450271 Anonymous
30th March 2022
Wednesday 12:29 am
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The more I reflect on this story the worse it sounds. I suspect your parents will have the police on the telephone once they find someone is claiming to be their son from the future while sending crude messages ranking school girls, sharing porn bush locations and begging him to invest in special internet coins.

Things will only get worse when the police look at the yellow dots under a microscope.
>> No. 450272 Anonymous
30th March 2022
Wednesday 1:14 am
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I devised a ranking at the time and never shared it with anyone, and still remember it now. It would confirm my identity to my past self.

If I limited myself to interactions with people I actually speak to regularly, I'd never speak to anyone. You'd be surprised how often I have rekindled friendships with people after a decade of not speaking to them. Twice!

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