I bought some shoes off a drug dealer. I don't know what he laced them with, but I've been tripping all day.

Have you heard about the latest drugs craze sweeping Yorkshire? People are crushing up ecstasy tablets and rubbing them into the ridge of their mouths. They're calling it "e, by gum."

Mr Singh walks into a bank London and asks for the loan officer. He says he's going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow £5000. The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan, so Mr Singh hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce, which costs quarter of a million pounds.

“The car is parked on the street in front of the bank,” says Mr Singh, “and I have all the necessary papers.”

The bank officer agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan. After Mr Singh leaves, the loan officer, the bank's president and all their colleagues enjoy a good laugh at the man for using a £250,000 Rolls Royce as collateral against a £5,000 loan. One of the employees drives the Rolls into the bank's underground garage and parks it there.

Two weeks later, Mr Singh returns, repays the £5000 and the interest, which comes to £15.41. The loan officer says, "Sir, I must tell you, we’re all a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and discovered that you’re a multimillionaire. Why would you bother to borrow £5,000?"

The man replies, "Where else in London can I park my car for two weeks for only £15.41?"

>>452130
I've heard this joke but with a Mr Goldstein instead of Mr Singh. Is there a stereotype that Sikhs are frugal?

What's got four legs and goes "ssshhhhhhhhh"? Rod Hull's telly.

Why did the chicken cross the road?

- to get the fuck out of Ukraine.

>>452134

Getting that joke makes me feel very old.

My friend's thinking about planting an apple tree, but he's a bit nervous about it. I told him to grow a pair.

>>449269
>Tim Vine's finally arrived.

Somebody stole my mood ring. I don't know how I feel about that.

I once dated a newsagent. It didn't work out. She had too many issues.

Have you heard the one about deaf people? - Neither have they.

A man on holiday decided to take an early-morning walk along the beach, to admire the sunrise and experience the beach before it filled up with holidaymakers, as it had done every day so far. He left his hotel room, and walked down. As hoped, the beach was entirely empty.

But as he walked, he saw there was someone else there. About half a mile from his hotel, he encountered a woman with no arms or legs, sitting on the beach, crying.

"What's wrong?", he asked.
"I'm 25 years old, I'm a woman with no arms or legs, and I've never once been held in a man's arms," she sobbed.
The man thought for a moment, but he bent down and hugged her, as anyone would. To his surprise, though, she just started crying even harder.

"What's wrong?", he asked again.
"I'm 25 years old, I'm a woman with no arms or legs, and I've never been kissed", she blubbed tragically.
The man looked around awkwardly, but the beach was still empty except for the two of them, so he bent down again and gave her a passionate kiss. He was about to continue on his walk when the woman started crying again.

"What is it this time?", he asked, a little exasperated now.
"I'm 25 years old, I'm a woman with no arms or legs, and I've never been fucked", she wept hopelessly.
The man looked around a third time, up the beach, down the beach, and out to sea. There was still nobody around. He looked at her, and said, "You're fucked now; the tide's coming in," and walked away.

>>452493

How was she sitting if she didn't have any legs?

>>452494
Never mind that, how did she get there in the first place?

A man is lying in hospital with his face bandaged after an accident. A nurse comes in, and the man says, "Nurse, are my testicles black?".

The nurse looks at the man with bewilderment and says, "Excuse me?". The man says again, "Nurse, please, can you look if my testicles are black??".

So the nurse replies, "I... I can't imagine that they would be. Would you like me to check?". The man nods.

The nurse then lifts the man's hospital gown, has a look around his testicles and says, "Everything's fine down there. There's nothing wrong with your testicles!"

The man then pulls the bandages on his face to one side and says, "Thank you, nurse, but you didn't have to do that. What I asked was, ARE MY TEST RESULTS BACK?"

An elderly lady streaked naked in her care home.

One of the residents said to another "Did you see what she was wearing?"

"No, but whatever it was it needed ironing."

So this only really works verbally, but I remembered one my grandad used to tell a lot.

Man goes to doctor, he says "I'm so depressed, I can't find anyone to sleep with me".

Doctor, a Japanese man, says "Ah rooks rike you have Ed Zackary disease".

"What's that?" says the man?

Doctor says "Ah your face rook edzackary rike your arse".

Two crazy people meet in the polar, and one of them says, "Nice beach we've got here, isn't it?"

>>453464

>polar

I find that word filter somewhat disappointing.

It was in the news recently that a woman died from scalding. Apparently she had an obsession with taking pictures of herself next to a boiling kettle. She almost certainly had selfie steam issues.

Who’s the coolest guy in the hospital?
The ultrasound guy.

Who’s the second-coolest guy in the hospital?
The hip replacement guy.

Michael Barrymore's said he isn't doing panto this winter. "I did Aladdin a few years back and I've never heard the end of it."

My mate had one of those online romances this year with a lass in Malaysia. They'd actually chatted throughout the year after making a connection on a forum and arranged to meet in-person for a ski-trip in Switzerland.

When he got back from the trip he told me how he picked her up at the airport in his best suit, took her around all the slopes and they had an altogether lovely time despite a bit of a language barrier. But when it got late and he took her back to their hotel room to get intimate she'd burst into tears. It turns out he'd picked up the wrong woman at the airport.

What's got seven arms and sucks? Def Leppard.

>>463761

What do you call a woman with two cunts?

N-Dubz

What do you call a scouser in a suit?

The defendant.

Dark humour is like a kid with cancer.

It never gets old.

>>463911

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FyUG0eglv_M

>>463912

In the time it took you to find that clip on youtube, you could have realised the subtle brilliance of that joke instead.

>>463913
I can only assume he's got COVID. That's the only acceptable explanation here for having no taste.

>>463912
Yo wtf, why has this changed into 'Shaq could'nt stop laughing' from 'Donkey Kong didn't laugh'?

>>463926
It's back. I'm scared.

What kind of bees make milk?

Boobies!

A man is lying in hospital, with his entire head covered in bandages. A nurse comes in and the man says to her, "Nurse, are my testicles black?". The nurse replies, "erm... I don't know why they would be". So the man again says, "Nurse, can you please see if my testicles are black?". The nurse shrugs, lifts the man's sheets and gown and examines his testicles, and then says, "There is nothing wrong with your testicles!". And then the man adjusts his bandages so they don't cover his mouth, and he says, "Thank you, nurse, but you didn't have to do that. What I want to know is, ARE MY TEST RESULTS BACK?".

Why is 05:30am like a pig's tail? Because it's twirly!

I've just burnt my Hawaiian pizza. I should have put it on aloha heat.

What do the films Titanic and The Sixth Sense have in common? Icy dead people.

A bear was walking through the woods. He saw a burning car, so he sat down in it and burned.

>>464817
There was a redheaded man who had no eyes or ears. He didn’t have hair either, so he was called a redhead arbitrarily.
He couldn’t talk because he had no mouth. He didn’t have a nose either.
He didn’t even have arms or legs. He had no stomach, he had no back, no spine, and he didn’t have any insides at all. There was nothing! So, we don’t even know who we’re talking about.
We’d better not talk about him any more.

My grandma visited China back when they had that opium addiction epidemic. She went to Hainan province.

What do you call a man without any shins? Tony.

I was watching MasterChef Australia and one of the contestants made meringue. The judges loved it, which surprised me because usually they boo meringue.

Three men walked into a bar
A plasterer
A taxi driver
And a genius scientist who had reconstructed himself into a biomechanical post human by somehow fusing his DNA with microchip technology
The plasterer ordered a pint of lager, and had a sip
The taxi driver ordered a Guinness, and drank half the glass in one go
The neohuman ordered a jack and coke, and rather than move his arm to grasp the glass he dissolved his arm into an electrical fuzz of pixelated double helixes, and directly absorbed both the liquid and the solid glass itself in a haze of buzzing, dissolving atoms
The barman said 'You must have been very thirsty!'
The ascended technosapien replied by screaming beeping binary code noises and then shat himself
Then the taxi driver shat himself
Then the plasterer pulled out an old thermometer, broke it in half, drank the mercury, then shat himself, then screamed 'TIME TO DIE HAHAHAAHA'
Then the barman jumped over the counter and started breakdancing in all of the shit on the floor and everyone else in the bar shat themselves n all and they were all shouting

How can you tell the gender of an ant? Put it in water.

If it sinks, girl ant. If it floats, buoyant.

I'm so poor, I listen to free jazz.

I have a transvestite friend who lives in the Greater Manchester area. He has a Wigan address.

What do you call an Indian fella who used to operate a self-catering holiday rental in rural France?

Ranjeet.

What do you call a magician who's lost his magic? Ian.

I've got a pet panda. I call him Little Richard. His favourite food is a-wop-bop-a-loo-wop, a-wop-bamboo.

>>472154
The more I think about this joke, the prouder I am of it. By a crazy coincidence, it's not even the first Little Richard joke I've made up that I've been immensely proud of. Maybe nine or ten years ago, I thought of: What goes a-wop-bop-a-loo-wop-a-bop-bam-shatter? Brittle Richard. I thought I was a genius for that one as well.

I gave my handyman a list of half a dozen things I wanted doing around the house, but when he left he'd only done number 1, 3 and 5. Turns out he only does odd jobs.

A man comes into a shop and asks for a mousetrap. The shopkeeper lays a few different kinds of mousetraps out on the counter and says, "Which one would you like?". And the man impatiently says, "I don't really care... I've got to catch the bus!". And the shopkeeper says, "I'm afraid we don't have them that big".