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>> No. 449104 Anonymous
21st January 2022
Friday 6:35 pm
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Dustbinman's going down the street, eventually he gets to a house who haven't put their bins out. He knocks at the door and a Japanese man answers. He can see some suitcases in the hallway behind him.

"Harro?"
"Alright, mate, where's ya bin?"
"I've bin to Tokyo!"
"No, mate, where's ya dust bin?"
"I've dust bin to Tokyo!"
"You've not getting it, mate, where's your wheelie bin?"

The Japanese man, frustrated at not being listened to, stamps his feet and shouts "I've wheelie bin to Tokyo!"
Expand all images.
>> No. 449105 Anonymous
21st January 2022
Friday 6:37 pm
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They don't knock on your door if your bin's not out.
>> No. 449106 Anonymous
21st January 2022
Friday 6:38 pm
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My grandad used to tell me this joke every time I saw him, and has been doing so for at least 25 years.
>> No. 449107 Anonymous
21st January 2022
Friday 6:39 pm
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>>449106
Say hello to Jim for me.
>> No. 449123 Anonymous
22nd January 2022
Saturday 7:22 am
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Did you hear about the mathematician who was scared of negative numbers?

He'd stop at nothing to avoid them.
>> No. 449126 Anonymous
22nd January 2022
Saturday 11:39 am
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>>449123
Did you hear about the constipated mathematician? He worked it out with a pencil.
>> No. 449142 Anonymous
23rd January 2022
Sunday 12:43 pm
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I went to the pet shop earlier to get some bird seed and they asked me if I'd got a store card. No, but I did get a budgie excited once.
>> No. 449161 Anonymous
24th January 2022
Monday 2:58 am
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>>449142

Jollyes? They must have some serious fucking commission on those cards, as every time I go in there to buy bird seed for my grandma I get cutthroat hard sell on that fucker. They're nearly as vicious as the Boots people trying to get you to get an advantage card.
>> No. 449162 Anonymous
24th January 2022
Monday 3:00 am
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>>449161

I have seriously misjudged the thread I have just posted in. I could delete in shame, but I'm leaving it here.
>> No. 449163 Anonymous
24th January 2022
Monday 3:01 am
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>>449161

You feed your grandma bird seed? You 'orrible bastard.
>> No. 449234 Anonymous
26th January 2022
Wednesday 9:42 pm
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I've just watched a documentary on how ships are stuck together. It was riveting.
>> No. 449269 Anonymous
28th January 2022
Friday 8:47 am
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>>449234
Tim Vine's finally arrived.
>> No. 449495 Anonymous
5th February 2022
Saturday 5:44 pm
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>>449104
av a hoblem wit dis post mow st garbage technicans be estern europeans
>> No. 449499 Anonymous
5th February 2022
Saturday 8:32 pm
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>>449269
I'm sure I heard Stewart Francis tell it.
>> No. 449936 Anonymous
9th March 2022
Wednesday 3:32 am
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I don't understand this joke? The Japanese man rode in a wheelie bin to Tokyo? What?
>> No. 449938 Anonymous
9th March 2022
Wednesday 7:22 am
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>>449936
The Japanese man is misunderstanding "bin" as "been", "dust" as "just", and "wheelie" as "really", because that's how all Japanese people talk.
>> No. 450619 Anonymous
11th April 2022
Monday 8:09 pm
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I bought some shoes off a drug dealer. I don't know what he laced them with, but I've been tripping all day.
>> No. 451890 Anonymous
5th June 2022
Sunday 3:27 pm
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Have you heard about the latest drugs craze sweeping Yorkshire? People are crushing up ecstasy tablets and rubbing them into the ridge of their mouths. They're calling it "e, by gum."
>> No. 452130 Anonymous
19th June 2022
Sunday 4:10 pm
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Mr Singh walks into a bank London and asks for the loan officer. He says he's going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow £5000. The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan, so Mr Singh hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce, which costs quarter of a million pounds.

“The car is parked on the street in front of the bank,” says Mr Singh, “and I have all the necessary papers.”

The bank officer agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan. After Mr Singh leaves, the loan officer, the bank's president and all their colleagues enjoy a good laugh at the man for using a £250,000 Rolls Royce as collateral against a £5,000 loan. One of the employees drives the Rolls into the bank's underground garage and parks it there.

Two weeks later, Mr Singh returns, repays the £5000 and the interest, which comes to £15.41. The loan officer says, "Sir, I must tell you, we’re all a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and discovered that you’re a multimillionaire. Why would you bother to borrow £5,000?"

The man replies, "Where else in London can I park my car for two weeks for only £15.41?"
>> No. 452133 Anonymous
19th June 2022
Sunday 5:18 pm
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>>452130
I've heard this joke but with a Mr Goldstein instead of Mr Singh. Is there a stereotype that Sikhs are frugal?
>> No. 452134 Anonymous
19th June 2022
Sunday 7:21 pm
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What's got four legs and goes "ssshhhhhhhhh"? Rod Hull's telly.
>> No. 452144 Anonymous
20th June 2022
Monday 12:44 am
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Why did the chicken cross the road?

- to get the fuck out of Ukraine.
>> No. 452146 Anonymous
20th June 2022
Monday 1:00 am
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>>452134

Getting that joke makes me feel very old.
>> No. 452479 Anonymous
12th July 2022
Tuesday 6:59 pm
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My friend's thinking about planting an apple tree, but he's a bit nervous about it. I told him to grow a pair.
>> No. 452488 Anonymous
12th July 2022
Tuesday 8:08 pm
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>>449269
>Tim Vine's finally arrived.

Somebody stole my mood ring. I don't know how I feel about that.

I once dated a newsagent. It didn't work out. She had too many issues.

Have you heard the one about deaf people? - Neither have they.
>> No. 452493 Anonymous
12th July 2022
Tuesday 10:39 pm
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A man on holiday decided to take an early-morning walk along the beach, to admire the sunrise and experience the beach before it filled up with holidaymakers, as it had done every day so far. He left his hotel room, and walked down. As hoped, the beach was entirely empty.

But as he walked, he saw there was someone else there. About half a mile from his hotel, he encountered a woman with no arms or legs, sitting on the beach, crying.

"What's wrong?", he asked.
"I'm 25 years old, I'm a woman with no arms or legs, and I've never once been held in a man's arms," she sobbed.
The man thought for a moment, but he bent down and hugged her, as anyone would. To his surprise, though, she just started crying even harder.

"What's wrong?", he asked again.
"I'm 25 years old, I'm a woman with no arms or legs, and I've never been kissed", she blubbed tragically.
The man looked around awkwardly, but the beach was still empty except for the two of them, so he bent down again and gave her a passionate kiss. He was about to continue on his walk when the woman started crying again.

"What is it this time?", he asked, a little exasperated now.
"I'm 25 years old, I'm a woman with no arms or legs, and I've never been fucked", she wept hopelessly.
The man looked around a third time, up the beach, down the beach, and out to sea. There was still nobody around. He looked at her, and said, "You're fucked now; the tide's coming in," and walked away.
>> No. 452494 Anonymous
12th July 2022
Tuesday 10:40 pm
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>>452493

How was she sitting if she didn't have any legs?
>> No. 452496 Anonymous
12th July 2022
Tuesday 10:45 pm
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>>452494
Never mind that, how did she get there in the first place?
>> No. 452499 Anonymous
12th July 2022
Tuesday 11:24 pm
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A man is lying in hospital with his face bandaged after an accident. A nurse comes in, and the man says, "Nurse, are my testicles black?".

The nurse looks at the man with bewilderment and says, "Excuse me?". The man says again, "Nurse, please, can you look if my testicles are black??".

So the nurse replies, "I... I can't imagine that they would be. Would you like me to check?". The man nods.

The nurse then lifts the man's hospital gown, has a look around his testicles and says, "Everything's fine down there. There's nothing wrong with your testicles!"

The man then pulls the bandages on his face to one side and says, "Thank you, nurse, but you didn't have to do that. What I asked was, ARE MY TEST RESULTS BACK?"
>> No. 453327 Anonymous
16th August 2022
Tuesday 9:28 pm
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An elderly lady streaked naked in her care home.

One of the residents said to another "Did you see what she was wearing?"

"No, but whatever it was it needed ironing."
>> No. 453450 Anonymous
21st August 2022
Sunday 11:22 pm
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So this only really works verbally, but I remembered one my grandad used to tell a lot.

Man goes to doctor, he says "I'm so depressed, I can't find anyone to sleep with me".

Doctor, a Japanese man, says "Ah rooks rike you have Ed Zackary disease".

"What's that?" says the man?

Doctor says "Ah your face rook edzackary rike your arse".
>> No. 453464 Anonymous
22nd August 2022
Monday 4:13 pm
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Two crazy people meet in the polar, and one of them says, "Nice beach we've got here, isn't it?"
>> No. 453465 Anonymous
22nd August 2022
Monday 4:14 pm
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>>453464

>polar

I find that word filter somewhat disappointing.
>> No. 456969 Anonymous
12th March 2023
Sunday 9:47 pm
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It was in the news recently that a woman died from scalding. Apparently she had an obsession with taking pictures of herself next to a boiling kettle. She almost certainly had selfie steam issues.
>> No. 459126 Anonymous
25th July 2023
Tuesday 9:03 am
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Who’s the coolest guy in the hospital?
The ultrasound guy.

Who’s the second-coolest guy in the hospital?
The hip replacement guy.
>> No. 461595 Anonymous
1st December 2023
Friday 12:46 pm
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Michael Barrymore's said he isn't doing panto this winter. "I did Aladdin a few years back and I've never heard the end of it."
>> No. 461596 Anonymous
1st December 2023
Friday 1:06 pm
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My mate had one of those online romances this year with a lass in Malaysia. They'd actually chatted throughout the year after making a connection on a forum and arranged to meet in-person for a ski-trip in Switzerland.

When he got back from the trip he told me how he picked her up at the airport in his best suit, took her around all the slopes and they had an altogether lovely time despite a bit of a language barrier. But when it got late and he took her back to their hotel room to get intimate she'd burst into tears. It turns out he'd picked up the wrong woman at the airport.
>> No. 463761 Anonymous
17th April 2024
Wednesday 11:50 pm
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What's got seven arms and sucks? Def Leppard.
>> No. 463822 Anonymous
23rd April 2024
Tuesday 8:54 pm
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>>463761

What do you call a woman with two cunts?

N-Dubz
>> No. 463909 Anonymous
30th April 2024
Tuesday 6:19 pm
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What do you call a scouser in a suit?

The defendant.
>> No. 463911 Anonymous
30th April 2024
Tuesday 6:44 pm
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Dark humour is like a kid with cancer.

It never gets old.
>> No. 463912 Anonymous
30th April 2024
Tuesday 7:54 pm
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>>463911

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FyUG0eglv_M
>> No. 463913 Anonymous
1st May 2024
Wednesday 12:37 am
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>>463912

In the time it took you to find that clip on youtube, you could have realised the subtle brilliance of that joke instead.
>> No. 463914 Anonymous
1st May 2024
Wednesday 1:03 am
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>>463913
I can only assume he's got COVID. That's the only acceptable explanation here for having no taste.
>> No. 463926 Anonymous
1st May 2024
Wednesday 3:37 pm
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>>463912
Yo wtf, why has this changed into 'Shaq could'nt stop laughing' from 'Donkey Kong didn't laugh'?
>> No. 463927 Anonymous
1st May 2024
Wednesday 3:39 pm
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>>463926
It's back. I'm scared.
>> No. 463928 Anonymous
1st May 2024
Wednesday 5:32 pm
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What kind of bees make milk?

Boobies!
>> No. 463929 Anonymous
1st May 2024
Wednesday 6:32 pm
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A man is lying in hospital, with his entire head covered in bandages. A nurse comes in and the man says to her, "Nurse, are my testicles black?". The nurse replies, "erm... I don't know why they would be". So the man again says, "Nurse, can you please see if my testicles are black?". The nurse shrugs, lifts the man's sheets and gown and examines his testicles, and then says, "There is nothing wrong with your testicles!". And then the man adjusts his bandages so they don't cover his mouth, and he says, "Thank you, nurse, but you didn't have to do that. What I want to know is, ARE MY TEST RESULTS BACK?".
>> No. 464224 Anonymous
25th May 2024
Saturday 1:02 am
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Why is 05:30am like a pig's tail? Because it's twirly!
>> No. 464741 Anonymous
23rd June 2024
Sunday 5:16 pm
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I've just burnt my Hawaiian pizza. I should have put it on aloha heat.
>> No. 464742 Anonymous
23rd June 2024
Sunday 6:17 pm
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What do the films Titanic and The Sixth Sense have in common? Icy dead people.
>> No. 464817 Anonymous
26th June 2024
Wednesday 3:24 am
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A bear was walking through the woods. He saw a burning car, so he sat down in it and burned.
>> No. 464823 Anonymous
26th June 2024
Wednesday 9:21 am
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>>464817
There was a redheaded man who had no eyes or ears. He didn’t have hair either, so he was called a redhead arbitrarily.
He couldn’t talk because he had no mouth. He didn’t have a nose either.
He didn’t even have arms or legs. He had no stomach, he had no back, no spine, and he didn’t have any insides at all. There was nothing! So, we don’t even know who we’re talking about.
We’d better not talk about him any more.
>> No. 467148 Anonymous
1st November 2024
Friday 11:09 pm
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My grandma visited China back when they had that opium addiction epidemic. She went to Hainan province.
>> No. 467152 Anonymous
2nd November 2024
Saturday 8:50 am
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What do you call a man without any shins? Tony.
>> No. 467931 Anonymous
14th December 2024
Saturday 9:28 pm
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I was watching MasterChef Australia and one of the contestants made meringue. The judges loved it, which surprised me because usually they boo meringue.
>> No. 469447 Anonymous
12th March 2025
Wednesday 10:15 pm
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Three men walked into a bar
A plasterer
A taxi driver
And a genius scientist who had reconstructed himself into a biomechanical post human by somehow fusing his DNA with microchip technology
The plasterer ordered a pint of lager, and had a sip
The taxi driver ordered a Guinness, and drank half the glass in one go
The neohuman ordered a jack and coke, and rather than move his arm to grasp the glass he dissolved his arm into an electrical fuzz of pixelated double helixes, and directly absorbed both the liquid and the solid glass itself in a haze of buzzing, dissolving atoms
The barman said 'You must have been very thirsty!'
The ascended technosapien replied by screaming beeping binary code noises and then shat himself
Then the taxi driver shat himself
Then the plasterer pulled out an old thermometer, broke it in half, drank the mercury, then shat himself, then screamed 'TIME TO DIE HAHAHAAHA'
Then the barman jumped over the counter and started breakdancing in all of the shit on the floor and everyone else in the bar shat themselves n all and they were all shouting
>> No. 469452 Anonymous
13th March 2025
Thursday 5:12 am
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How can you tell the gender of an ant? Put it in water.

If it sinks, girl ant. If it floats, buoyant.
>> No. 469476 Anonymous
14th March 2025
Friday 6:55 pm
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I'm so poor, I listen to free jazz.
>> No. 470196 Anonymous
25th April 2025
Friday 9:09 pm
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I have a transvestite friend who lives in the Greater Manchester area. He has a Wigan address.
>> No. 470444 Anonymous
17th May 2025
Saturday 1:38 pm
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What do you call an Indian fella who used to operate a self-catering holiday rental in rural France?

Ranjeet.

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