>I'm planning on collecting sweet chestnuts

Fun fact: Sweet chestnuts used to be a food of the poor in Victorian times, because they were one of the most abundant trees in towns and villages, and the chestnuts were free to pick up for everybody. Better-off people usually didn't want to be seen collecting them, because they were worried it would make them look poor.

>>454621
I've seen conkers but no chestnuts this year. Good call though, it's a nice day.

I have tons of mushrooms on my lawn too, but they're bearded milkcaps and poisonous.

>>454623

Wikipedia says that in Soviet Russia, bearded milkcaps are considered edible after cooking and marinading.

I think I saw some monk's heads around the woodlands just up the road here the other day. But I'm not familiar enough with them to be able to rule out their poisonous lookalikes.

>>454623
I know a spot where they have a fair bit of them, but I think I came a bit early as the ones I opened were mostly on the puny side. I got fed up of being prickled by them so I've filled up most of a carrier bag and I'll give it a few days before having a bash at them.

Got three packs of diazepam, taking it, it's the first time in years I've felt well.

I can hear fireworks. It's that time of year already.

Going shopping for furniture, like a grown up.

I must have driven by the Amazon distribution centre not long after the drivers set off on their deliveries because at least 20 vans went past me, with a seemingly never ending stream of them coming out of the warehouse. It was a bit eerie.

I ate too much Lasagna and fell asleep.

Had a lovely bacon pannini at a Turkish cafe this morning, spent the rest of the afternoon in various pubs with our lass. Finally I have achieved the lifestyle I have always dreamed of.

Not to brag or anything but life is good sometimes. You don't have to be loaded. Just have your priorities straight.

Had linguine bolognese today but realised I was out of parmesan when the linguine were already cooked. Couldn't be arsed to go back to the shop, so I had to take a slice of gouda and cut it into small bits. Not the same. Really not.

The missus had never seen Lord of the Rings so we're chipping away at all the extended cuts to bring her up to speed.

Also the wedding was last month and went swimmingly. Thank you to the one or two lads that helped calm me down when I was worried about various things.

Can't find Emanthal cheese in this dead end town. I'm going to blow my brains out at the self-service in Asda.

>>454636

Emanthal is a deworming tablet, so I'm not surprised that you've had no luck at the cheese counter. If you're after Emmental, try Aldi.

>>454637
God, I really should kill myself.

>>454638

Nah mate, there's no need for that. There's a whole world of mild-tasting continental cheeses just waiting for you.

In all seriousness, if you do feel like you're in crisis, you can call The Samaritans at any time on 116 123. If you think you might be a danger to yourself, call 999 or go to A&E.

In my opinion you only really need three cheeses in the household.

1. A nice cheddar, for which I tend to go for Pilgrim's Choice extra mature.

2. Something nice and creamy like Wensleydale, Cheshire or Caerphilly.

3. Some form of hard Italian cheese.

The occasional guest appearance by a camembert is fine too. No point bothering with your Dutch cheeses unless you're popping a Babybel into your packing up.

>>454641

>3. Some form of hard Italian cheese.


I would suggest Grana Padano instead of Parmigiano Reggiano.

Especially when put on pasta, the difference is negligible, but it's a quid less than Parmigiano. There's a lot of prestige around real Parmesan, but it doesn't justify the extra expense IMO.

>>454642
For me, it's Pecorino.

Took three hours putting together my standing desk. Very embarrassing, and the shelves I was going put my PC on aren’t here so it’s functionally still a normal desk. It’s got a cup holder.

>>454706
Sounds nice. Where did you get it from? I need a fancy table badly.

It's the last weekend before the clocks go back. Feel like I ought to do something in the garden but don't know what.

>>454709

Run around in circles, screaming, naked except for a layer of woad.

>>454709

What if we kept the clocks where they are, and everybody just did things an hour earlier?

>>454712

As a former shift worker, I think we should randomise the clocks just to shit up the nine-to-fivers. Set the clocks forwards by eleven hours, see how they like it.

>>454707
https://ezshopper.co.uk/category/standing-desks/
The name's off-putting, but it seems like a quality desk. It doesn't wobble (since I tightened everything this morning), the motor doesn't sound like a lawnmower going over a human skull and it's currently holding a PC, two monitors and my forearms without issue. I didn't get any of the add-ons so I can't speak to their usefulness or quality.

>>454710
>>454709
Don't forget to cover your hair in cow shit.

Turns out I'm out of Lancashire sauce, which is my secret ingredient in veg soups.

My mouse wheel has stopped working which seems like a minor problem but it makes the entire computer experience incredibly frustrating.

Finally sorted through the sweet chestnuts. Ended up with about a bowl full of non-shit ones.

>>454718

I bought some from Lidl the other week, and one of the chestnuts was apparently in the process of germinating and had sprung a tiny little root tip. So I wrapped it in some wet toilet tissue and put it in a small tupperware container with a lid, and put it near the kitchen radiator. It'll be interesting to see if I can actually grow my own little chestnut tree from it.

>>454719
A few councils are asking people to donate the likes of conkers and chestnuts they've collected to help expand or create new woodland. For example:

https://www.wakefield.gov.uk/climate-change/wakefield-woodland-creation

>>454720

Probably best not to use ones bought from a shop for that.

>>454719

The wet paper thing is to help induce germination, if it's already germinating then you want to transfer it to soil.

I need a big clock. Where does one buy a big clock?

Made a meal and threw it up on Sunday.

>>454740

Took her for a drink on Tuesday.

>>454742

No, I actually cooked something today and it caused me to vomit a bit over an hour later. I think the open tin of tomato puree from the back of the fridge was off. It looked ok, but it was open since about Monday.

>>454743

We were making love by Wednesday.

I've been outside of the UK for a week and unable to view this site. Now I've been catching up on all the posts. I know I regularly say the exact opposite of this, but sometimes you bastards need to shut the fuck up and post less.

On a side note, I always assumed I could still visit /shed/ and ask to have my foreign IP address whitelisted, but it turns out I can do no such thing.

>>454746
Just use a VPN lad. Windscribe gives you 30GB a month for sweet FA. I use it to watch yank netflix,

This morning I've been to Farmfoods. Unfortunately I got there the same time as a large chav family, approximately consisting of a grandmother, her two daughters and about five kids under the age of 7. One of the women was arguing with her kids about which energy drinks to buy, which culminating in her telling one of her kids "oh bollocks to you, you can fuck off." She completely lost her shit when he replied saying she should fuck off instead, crying to her mum that she couldn't believe her son had sworn at her. Their solution to this was to ring the boy's father and tell him go take his phone away, which didn't work as then all the kids started running around the shop screaming like lunatics.

>>454841
I had a dream I was drinking an energy drink this morning, despite not drinking soft drinks at all for almost ten years now. I also dreamt I had to peel a black film off the back of my PC monitors after they got wet somehow.

Anyway, yeah, some people are wank parents. I'm sure it's much, much harder than I realise, but they're making a pig's ear of it regardless.

>>454842
Energy drinks are the current craze, mainly thanks to that one KSI is selling in Asda (although the local Joe shop is selling them with a 300% markup).

https://www.gazettelive.co.uk/whats-on/food-drink-news/asda-chaos-teens-queue-6am-25321160

https://www.birminghammail.co.uk/whats-on/food-drink-news/asda-5am-queues-prime-hydration-25304369

I've never really understood why lazy people have kids because they're so much effort.

Really enjoyed having stroopwafels with my coffee this morning.

I looked up some of the less attractive girls from school to see if they had a glow up from ugly duckling into beautiful swan. They have not.

>>454847
I find the opposite to be true half the time.

When it comes to cooking pasta should I be heating cold salty water in a pan or boil the kettle first instead?

>>454911
In terms of energy use that depends on what your cooker runs on, in terms of cooking it doesn't matter.

>>454911

On the hob if it's gas, doesn't matter if it's electric. You can turn off the heat after two minutes if you put a lid on the pan.

https://www.barilla.com/en-gb/passive-cooking

Seeing as we're in the mood for sweeping generalisations, why are women obsessed with true crime stuff? Is it simply because they're nosey bastards?

>>454929
They're more interested in understanding people's thoughts and feelings, because women's hormone levels fluctuate more than men's and so they are more aware of the fundamental irrationality of human nature, so it's good to know why people think certain ways. For example, serial killers. On top of this, they are more afraid of being kidnapped and raped and eaten by britfa.gs posters, so these criminals are more at the forefront of their minds and it's good to understand their thought processes in case they ever need to reason their way out of being murdered.

That's what I assume, anyway. I do actually have one male friend who likes true crime stories, and he's perfectly normal. He works in a care home, though, so he might just be very good with emotional connections and my theory might still hold true.

>>454929

There's a definite aspect of fear fetishisation to it, I reckon. I can't help but feel like there's a connection between the average woman's obsession with Netflix true crime docs, and the way some more unhinged women end up in relationships with death row inmates. As far as I'm aware, that doesn't tend to happen the other way around.

It's that arousal from powerlessness that makes you enjoy getting tied up and having your balls trampled by a sadistic younger woman. Or, if you like, those blokes who are paranoid that any woman could accuse him of rape at any moment, and the majority of people would instantly believe the woman. Except for them, it's like any bloke they meet could be the next Dahmer, and slice their eyelids off after tricking them to think he's a charming and handsome date. All day every day they're surrounded by potential killers, and whether they know and admit it or not, it kind of gets them off a bit. The sense of helplessness in face of injustice and cruelty.

Beyond that though it's just the most exciting and titillating form of the everyday gossip most lasses like to indulge, and I think that's all it is for most of them.

Just killed two mosquitoes with a rolled up magazine against the wall. Big ones, too.

It's fucking November.

>>454982

I keep telling you, this is a tropical island now. Just a very big one.

I wore loose trousers with no undies today. Never felt like a bigger pervert. Must remember to do the washing more often.

Also a guy who added me on Steam earlier this week just messaged me, which is sickening.

>>454986
In an emergency you can get four uses out of one pair of undies.

Normal.
Back-to-front.
Inside out.
Inside out back-to-front.

>>454987
No, I can't. You can, but I can't.

Steam guy sent two ";)" across five messages. Utterly frightening.

>>454988

Clearly he's after a bit of your massive sweaty willy.

I've made some crinkle biscuits and they are the shit.

I know people bang on about the fact that healthy food doesn't have to be more expensive than 'unhealthy' food, but why is the latter so much less fun to make? Baking just shits all over cooking.

I fell at the first hurdle, lads. Man was not meant to be left alone with an internet connection and a cock.

Anybody got a friend who is obviously somehow deeply insecure but covers for this by pretending their life is absolutely flawless in every aspect and sometimes taking pot shots at you?

I have a friend who is always making digs about random things disguised as jokes but pretends the equivalent aspect of his is perfect in any way.

I recently went on holiday with a few people, including him and other friends and girlfriends. Despite his obviously receding hairline and my absolutely fine hairline he tried to imply mine was receding or I was somehow attempting to cover it up (it's literally fine, luckily) and when I retorted he said his was just a severe widow's peak. He attacked my very good job and quality of life and similarly defended his and made it out to be perfect. He even had a thing where any sort of unfavourable lookalike comparison he could think of would be constantly thrown out there until his girlfriend snapped at him and asked him what he was going on about and why he kept trying to say I looked like people that I obviously do not. He even, despite being a bit of a cunt to his girlfriend at times on the trip in front of us all, would keep trying to imply I was in some way ungentlemanly to my girlfriend over any minor thing.

It was just very weird and I assume people doing this do this because they are insecure. I have a few people in my life that do this, where it's like for their own insecurity they randomly try and take pot shots at me out of the blue. I really don't get it as I'd never do this to people.

Anyway he wants to meet up with some other mates but I just can't really be arsed. Am I being a cunt or are these people just exhausting after a while? After a few years the good banter is outweighed by their tediousness and constant insecure attempts at one up manship.

A nearby pub is playing lots of songs very loud as well as a few fireworks. All 2009's hottest pop-rock crap, The Fratellis, Kaisar Chiefs and now they're mixing up with Living on a Prayer. No fuck, as I type this they're doing Guns 'n' Roses, terrible stuff. I'm not even that close, the people several streets closer must be going ape shit.

>>454989
Worst part was he didn't actually play the game after messaging me. He wasn't asking me if I wanted to play because he was going to anyway (polite, considerate) my presence was contigent on what he did next (needy, pressurising). When did my willy get sweaty? Whatever, he's not having it regardless.

>>454992
That's very odd and as someone who's deeply insecure I don't think that has much to do with it. I would suggest that even if he were living the life of love and luxury he's clumsily trying to project, he'd probably be an arse too.

>>454994
Admittedly I only listened to their debut album, but The Fratellis were alright. It's just that Chelsea Dagger was played to death.

>>454991
I went out with my female friend whom I fancy enormously on Thursday night, and we went back to her flat to hang out as just friends, as we often do. At one point, she went for a piss and left the door open. She doesn't know that's my fetish. That was an exceptionally challenging moment for me. I doubted myself, but I managed not to wank over it and now I am brimming with confidence. I am brimming with several things, but confidence is one of them.

>>454992
I am arguably best friends with such a person. I don't like to consider us "best friends", because obviously I despise him, but we see each other unavoidably regularly. Try and make a virtue out of bravely opening up about your problems. Because your problems don't matter at all, they're not even problems, he has way worse problems, stop being a pussy, you'd literally kill yourself if you had his problems, he's the most brave and most virtuous. Nobody tackles the horrors of toxic masculinity like he does. You'll get to hear what his problems are this way, anyway.

>>454995
I hate Chelsea Dagger more than anything. It's everything that was bad about that type of indie music, and by extension all music from 2005-2010, because that's all I ever heard. I think The Fratellis might have made a song I didn't hate, but I can't remember what it was called. It started with S, I think.

>>454997

I've got a female friend who definitely has a bit of a piss fetish. I don't especially have one myself, I'd never like to be pissed on or anything like that, and to be honest I don't even really fancy her; but some day we're going to be drunk and watch each other have a wee, I can feel it. I think it will be a beautiful moment.

>>454998
>It started with S, I think.
I remember now; it was called "Flathead" (S for screwdriver, you see). But I listened to it again and it's not as good as I remember, if indeed I ever liked it.

>>454997
It was no accident.

The two lads on the football podcast I listen to use the phrase "in and around", e.g. "in and around the relegation zone", maybe 4 or 5 times in an episode. They are doing it in earnest, but that turn of phrase was made popular by the "she wants my dick in and around her mouth" line from Superbad, and I can't help but wonder whether that movie inadvertently planted "in and around" into everyday language. I'm 32 and if I casually dropped "in and around" into a sentence, all my similarly-aged friends would pick it up as a Superbad reference. The lads on the podcast are in their late 20s, and I'm certain they're making the same reference without it necessarily registering as such in their minds.

>>455011

I'm the same age as you and I had totally forgotten the movie Superbad ever existed. I think your theory might be stretching it a bit.

Then again I had been referencing The Butterfield Diet for over a decade without remembering what it was from, and that's far more obscure than Superbad. I would just say "Quiches Lorraine" in that voice every time I saw or heard of quiche. But then again, that was only me, not a national trend of people going "bonbonbonbons".

If I come into possession of a fridge where the plug has been cut off, does that mean anything? Like, is it a secret signal that means something, like a book with the cover torn off? Or can I just put a new plug on and own a free functioning fridge?

>>455013

Fridges often end up being boxed in by worktops and cupboards, such that there's no easy way to remove them without either cutting the plug off or partly dismantling the kitchen.

If a fridge has been thrown out then there's a reasonable chance that it's knackered, but the plug being cut off doesn't particularly mean anything.

>>455013
A lot of people think the binmen will only take electronic devices if the plug has been removed. I don't know why but I've heard it a few times.

>>455015
In them days electrical items tended not to come with a plug, so you'd either have to buy one yourself or cut it off the device you were replacing and wire it in.

Young 'uns these days probably wouldn't fully get the gag about the plug in the first three minutes of this.


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4S9-vDow2d0

Our lass nicked a load of hair and skincare products from work and gave them to me. Today I made a diligent effort to use every single one of them in the shower. Teatree shampoo, conditioner, beard shampoo, after-shave lotion, leave-in scalp treatment and some special Moroccan oil (I gather it's like a grade up from argan oil.)

I somehow got a bit of shampoo in my arse crack when I was rinsing it out of my hair, and now it feels like Mr Freeze has his finger up my bumhole.

I was in a second hand bookshop earlier and this man came in with what I presume was his girlfriend and started taking photos of her. Staged ones of her pretending to browse the shelves or reading one of the books she had picked up. It was really odd.

>>455096
What was he using to take the photos? Just a phone or a professional camera? Could have been stock photo people or something if the latter?

>>455097
It was a camera rather than a phone, but didn't seem like an overly flashy one. She was wearing a beret and had a bit of a generic arty girl look; I didn't get the impression they were for stock photos.

>>455096
Instagram nonsense it seems.

This is your annual reminder I’d kill you both if I thought Motsi Mabusi would be so impressed she’d kiss me.

>>455100

She might be more impressed by you spelling her name right.

I'm really tired. Will one of you put my washing away, please?

>>455101
Oh, bugger. Well, it's not like I'd show her my posts.

I can't get Stupid Mistake by Gareth Gates out of my head. I'm not really sure why someone thought writing a song about trying to justify cheating was a good idea.

The pussy loves that Madley.

Earlier I saw kids helping themselves to coins out of a fountain. Is that a 'wrong' thing to do? It wasn't a wishing well, there didn't seem to be much money in it and "you shouldn't steal other people's wishes" seems like crazy reasoning when you think about it.

>>455107

It's technically theft by finding, but I'll never complain about kids engaging in what is basically urban scrumping. Gen Z are so neurotic and over-supervised that it cheers me to see them getting up to no good.

>>455108

Isn't it picking up litter?

>>455108
>theft by finding
I don't think this a thing in England. Might be in the US, etc.

>>455108
I always had a feeling that every now and then councils pull them all out and put them towards something charitable or something.

>>455110

https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-england-stoke-staffordshire-39129975

https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/magazine-13037808

>>455112

>"The rule on abandonment is not just getting rid of it," says Rob Chambers, who teaches property law at University College London. "One needs to intend to abandon it."
Surely those coins are intentionally abandoned?

>>455113

Most people have the implicit understanding that coins thrown into a fountain aren't there for the taking. We might not exactly know why, we might not agree on the answer, but we all know that it isn't the done thing. Some coin-throwers might expect their coin to stay in the fountain for luck, some might expect that the council will eventually collect the coins for charity or to pay for the upkeep of the fountain, but we don't expect people to just help themselves.

>>455105
There are several songs where women acknowledge that their man is cheating on them, but then sing that it's totally fine and not terrible at all. Upside Down by Diana Ross is a well-known one which I hate far too much to post here, so instead let's have this minor Swedish pop star from the 1980s making the same point:

Have fun identifying all the other songs from around the same time that it is suspiciously identical to. Hours of fun.

>>455115

The production is classic Hi-NRG in the manner of Ian Levine or SAW. The chorus was obviously pinched from You Give Love a Bad Name by Bon Jovi. The ascending line in the pre-chorus is very familiar but I can't quite place it and it's going to annoy me for days.

>>455116
I think it's Be With You by The Bangles (at 1:38):

>>455112
I still don't understand. I can't find what section of what Act they could possibly use.

>>455118

Theft Act 1968.

If I "find" a bicycle parked outside a train station, taking it is obviously theft. The same principle applies to anything else I might find, unless I can show that a) I reasonably believed that the owner would want me to have it or b) I make reasonable efforts to reunite the item with the rightful owner.

If someone leaves a bag of clothes outside a charity shop, it's reasonable for the charity shop to assume that the owner wanted to donate the clothes to the charity shop; it isn't reasonable for someone to assume that the clothes are there for anyone to take. Anyone taking that bag would be dishonestly appropriating property belonging to another with the intent of permanently depriving the other of it, which is the definition of theft.

You might be able to persuade a magistrate or a jury that taking coins out of a fountain isn't dishonest, but I wouldn't want to try it. If the council removed the coins from the fountain to stop the pump from getting blocked, they'd be acting honestly - the intent of their action was to protect their property, not to materially benefit.

>>455119
>the intent of their action was to protect their property, not to materially benefit
Those mean the same thing.