I'm a 31 year old, my girlfriend of 9 years is also 31. We've been together for 9 years. We met in Uni and are each others only romantic and sexual partners. We dearly love each other. We moved to the other side of the world, recently, and I've met someone I have feelings for. I've never experienced this in my 9 years of relationship.
Now I'm considering ending my relationship. I don't want to get married, I don't want to have kids, I'm afraid of serious commitment, I don't find my partner incredibly attractive any more, but I love her, and the thought of hurting her makes me feel fucking dreadful. I don't think I have the strength to do it.
Least of all after inviting her on an adventure of our lifetimes on a different continent. She'l be on her own, she will be utterly lost and confused. How can I do that to someone?
Yet, how can I just not change things for the sake of that? I'm so fucking lost right now. I wish I hadn't met this other girl, but she makes me feel happy, she's teaching me her language, we're exchanging texts all the time, fun trips etc. and I feel fucking terrible about it.
How is it possible I can love someone so much and yet have these thoughts and considerations?
I was going to post that if he dumps his current girlfriend, she won't be completely alone because she'll still be friends with the new girlfriend. Thankfully, I abstained from voting.
>>32553 Appreciate the help once again lads. I can't talk to any of my friends about this, we are all too interconnected friendship group wise, and last time I did it caused a shitstorm.
You're absolutely right about the foreign country bit. But in a few weeks she's going home for a month. I've also arranged to 'get drunk' with this other girl during that time, who herself never ever drinks but suggested it. I won't do anything despite her massive hints to 'experience a love hotel', but I do really enjoy her company so I didn't decline the invite. I am absolutely aware of how bad an idea this is.
>>32554 The problem with choosing her happiness or mine is that I would choose mine every day of the week... but I AM happy. I DO love my girlfriend, my heart melts when I see her, I love our soppy little things, I feel comfortable and happy with her, she's incredibly understanding and trusting, we are deeply in love. We've gone to couples therapy and understood more about each other, had the patience to work on it. Our fucking couples therapis said "I am not usually meant to tell people to not break up but you two clearly deeply love each other, whatevery you do, think about it". She would be faithful to me until the day nature splits us apart. This other girl is someone I've spoken to every day for nearly a year. At the very least she's my best friend now. She's absolutely adorable, caring, funny and intelligent. She's helped me so so much in a weird place. She's kind of mothered me in a way, sorting all my boring bureacreacy things, translating this and that, going with me to xyz, etc. I've tried to return the favours as best I can. And when she talks about other guys, or going to the UK and finding a boyfriend it breaks my heart. I feel jealous. I feel scared that at the very least I'd lose her as a friend.
Ideally, I would just stay with my current girlfriend. I'd be best friends with this girl, and I'd have no romantic feelings for her and all would be great. But I've tried that and I realised that when she texts me my heart lights up in a way it probably doesn't for friends, I feel genuine joy and calmness in her company. I've since realised that I should do what I think is right for my sake, you're right, its absolutely unfair to stay with someone because you think you're hurting them by leaving - but that is absolutely not the case. I just don't know what's best for ME.
>>32558 If she's friends with you and the lass but she's trying to make you get drunk and go to a love hotel while the Mrs is away then she's a snake, lad. After 5 months of this soppy "I don't know what to do lads" it's time to fuck her off or at least find her a proper boyfriend.
Yeah you might feel the sting of a loss of opportunity.
You clearly know the right thing to do, you just lack the backbone to do it, and understandably you want to nut in the other bird because you are starved of sexual variety. What we need to do is persuade you why it's the right thing to do.
Personally I'd beware the new one. Think about it lad- Can you really trust the kind of woman who's willing to swoop in and steal another lasses man from right under her nose, all the while smiling and playing along, pretend to be her friend while she's at it? That's some master level psycho manipulator behaviour. You'd best just give her my number and I'll deal with her for you.
>>32562 I suppose you’re right, but she’s Japanese, and I’ve quickly realised I don’t have a fucking clue what these women are about, the morals here seem … different, to say the least. Which nicely brings me to the next fucking bombshell of a development; she told me she used to be a high school escort. There is a sexual service called delivery health. Women visit your hotel or home and offer hand or oral relief after some shower time. PIV is illegal, workarounds exist. I jokingly said I wanted to try it as there’s some real whacky niche ones, and she casually dropped the “oh I used to do that” like it was nothing. Well, it’s not nothing to me. I feel sick at the thought of her visiting some creepy old cunts room. She told me she’s only ever been with two men and I believe her, but what the fuck is this shit man? Why is every normal seeming shy girl in this country a prostitute? I need to decide if I can move past this before I engage in a relationship with her because if I do I can’t hold it over her. This is by far the biggest cultural shock I’ve had, btw, you really don’t realise what the whole sex is a sin thing does to society until you visit one that has basically no religious moral imprint regarding it. Cheating , prostitution, etc. it’s a lot to wrap your head around. I think I may have even said this before but can’t be arsed checking and the drinking is ruining my memory.
>>32564 My white supremacist weeb ex-housemate used to talk about how pure and conservative Japanese girls are. This thread has shattered my views of Japan's women and I feel lied to. They're all wanking off businessmen and stealing boyfriends.
But yeah, Japanese women a different beast and you've not even got a good girl on your hands. There's a strong chance she'll leave you without a word once she gets bored and that's completely normal in Japanese dating.
>>32567 It's a racial domination thing. A lot of Nazis are in relationships with Asian women.
Yeah mate, as someone with a lifelong habit of dating headcases, this one sounds like you want to steer well clear of her. Remember the /emo/ golden rule: Distance Oneself From Cerebrally Divergent Strumpets. The cultural difference has caught you off guard and allowed her to slip past your defences here.
If I were you I'd shag her and get the fallout from that over and done with, but ultimately try stay with your missus. She sounds like she will understand. Hell, she's leaving you alone for a month with this bird, what does she expect to happen? It'll not be without repercussions, but I think once you've nutted in that tight pixellated pussy a couple of times you'll come to your senses a bit and be able to get your head straight.*
*Disclaimer, this is not advice, it's just what I would do.
>>32567 He got into Japanese culture as a schoolkid through anime. As he grew up his interest spread into non-anime elements of Japanese culture, such as politics. The classic weeb origin story.
Convoluted reasons such as Charlie Hebdo and the Bataclan Massacre led him to white supremacy. He always talked about wanting a true white Anglo-Saxon gf to preserve English bloodlines. But that didn't stop him moving to Japan, where he stated he would consider a Jap gf as they're honorary white.
>>32566 >This thread has shattered my views of Japan's women and I feel lied to.
Japanese women are seen as meek, so people tend to fill that void by projecting whatever they want into it. Similarly, it's not uncommon for weebs to perceive themselves as nice guys when the reality is they're dickheads but they're too spineless to act on it.
>>32571 >spineless, nice guy, dickhead weeb
OP here , I resent being called a weeb. How dare you. I wear deodorant and I don’t watch cartoons.
As for what I’ll do. Hmm. The way I see it, I’ll suffer some form of mental anguish whatever I do, so I’ll get drunk with her, respectfully decline her advances, and try to remain as friends. I do really enjoy her company, even if we aren’t fucking. And I don’t want to ruin our friendship over a drunken mistake in a tacky dinosaur themed sex room. A large part of me of course desperately wants to roleplay her old job with her. But I’ll just book the real thing.
If she gets with some bloke and he doesn’t like me in the picture (he won’t), then so be it. That happened in her last relationship about another male friend of hers, and she told the BF tough shit. Guess we’ll see how it goes.
I’m probably going to hopelessly fuck it up or change my mind though.
As for preconceptions about Japanese women being shattered. It’s not like I put them on a pedestal based on some anime characters. If anything I totally underestimated the differences between them and British women, so the changes I do see are shocking not because it shatters some fedora vision but because I just didn’t really consider them different at all. I’ve been in a relationship most of my adult life, that doesn’t exactly give the broadest female experience either. But overall I’d say that Japanese people in general, are difficult to read and confusing - even for a Brit, a nationality pretty well trained and savvy in reading the air, between the lines etc. God fucking help your average Yank / Dutch.
>>32572 >I'll get drunk with her, respectfully decline her advances
If you get drunk alone with her that's not how it's going to play out and you know that on some level.
>>32574 I’m a pretty strong drinker these days, if I can’t out drink a near teetotal Japanese girl then I’ll renounce my citizenship. I don’t intend to get smashed just have a fun evening.
(…. yes you are right, just entertain my bollocks for a second).
The way I see it Japanese culture is a minefield even for Brits because all though we have some pretty strong similarities in terms of our strict expectations of politeness, etiquette, and so on, it's still a very different set of rules when it comes to the specifics.
We know the general principles because our society kind of works the same way- Even the roughest council estate chav still has that particularly British set of social rules ingrained in them, it's just that they feel more at liberty to ignore them, in fact breaking that set of conventions is arguably how our underclass defines itself; therefore no matter who you are, you still have a relationship with that cultural code.
I think the difference with Japan is that theirs is all 100% sincere. In British manners, you have to play along and keep up the act, but everyone knows you don't actually give a fuck under the surface, it's all just an act, where breaking character is a huge taboo. But with Japan, it's all taken very seriously, and breaking the rules is therefore this sort of... Unwritten, unspoken expectation that nobody acknowledges. Everyone has a total double life, everyone is what we would call "two faced" by default. Bla bla bla something about The Big Other and so on and so on, you know.
My girlfriend is in the UK for a few days. She’s been away for 2 weeks and I’ve realised that I’ve not missed her, and the time I’ve spent with the other girl has been wonderful. I want to break up.
I cannot, surely, break up a 10 year relationship via a video call. But… letting her travel all the way to fucking Japan, knowing she will be isolated and alone after I dump her, is a god tier dick move right? She does have her things in our apartment of course. I’m happy to sort the financial side of things and pay for her half.
I think both are a bit rough, bloody hell. I suggest you stick the kettle on and have a think before you do anything rash. If you have kettles in Japan, anyway.
I think it's obvious which course of action you really want. You've gone back and forth and talked yourself out of it more times than I can keep track of, but it's obvious which way you want to go. It's just a matter of doing it in the least painful way. On the one hand yes it would be a pain in the arse to travel half way around the world to find out you're being dumped, but on the other hand that's her home too now yes? Why do you assume she wouldn't want to return?
If I was in her position I'd want to have the discussion in person, it would feel a lot more difficult to deal with, it would feel like it lacked closure, if I just got told at a distance not to bother coming back. Similarly when I've had relationships end after an argument, and they storm out, and it turns out to be the last time you saw each other in person- That's a very bitter way to end things, I think. You should always strive to end it with civility.
The proper and decent thing is for you to be the one who moves out. I mean, that's assuming she'd be able to afford the rent and so on alone, but in principle, you're the one who wants to leave, it's not fair at all to expect her to be the one who uproots her entire life on top of that. You need to quietly bow out of her life and leave her in peace, and then make no further interference, allow her to move forward with dignity.
Now, that's not necessarily how it HAS to play out, she might just say "right fuck you then, I'm off back to England" and that'll be the end of it. I've had break-ups play out that way before. But it's very much the solution you, as the instigator, have to be prepared to offer.
>>32603 I will absolutely be the one to move out, and I will even pay for her to stay here, or anywhere she wanted. But she will definitely be alone here. I do still deeply love her, and I’m trying to do this with as much care as I can. Sadly I know how she feels because of the last time I broke up with her, here… But you’re right, it does deserve to be in person. Really this is a terrible situation to find myself in.
But yes, I’ve thought about this for so long now that the hours spent answer the question itself. There are periods where I can convince myself it’s fine - and genuinely believe that, but it creeps back. I find myself laying in the bath for 3-4 hours a day just debating it, going back and for, writing notes, looking at photos, trying to meditate. But it’s time. She deserves someone who will give her absolutely no doubts about her future, and I deserve the same certainty of thought.
>>32602 >What the fuck do I do?
Mate will you just fucking stop it? You're an adult in a foriegn country; you clearly have your shit together enough to deal with this. Not that this saga isn't entertaining, but just bite the fucking bullet already [spolier]you cunt[/spoiler].
My sympathy for OPlad is waning, I broke up with the hottest girlfriend I've ever had last week and I don't have a hot pixellated Japanese pussy waiting for me to rebound into. So if anything I'm quite jealous.
But we're here to support in /emo/, so let's focus on that.
Lads I know I’m going to break up with her, I’m just trying to work out how best to do it! I think I’ll let her come back to Japan and then do it immediately. Wait that sounds cruel as fuck. Arrrrrgh.
>>32607 You know her and we don't, but I would suggest giving it a week or so after she comes back. For one thing, she might sense that you're going to and then ask if you're going to, and then you can do so more easily.
>>32607 Just fucking dump her already. Good lord, at this rate she'll be caring for you while you die of dementia before you get around to it. Give me her number, I'll do it. As you can see my sensitive nature makes me the perfect scribe for this kind of text message.
>>32607 Sit down next to her and say "we need to talk". That gives her a slight warning of what is about to come and the rest flows automatically from that even if, like me, you stammer it out.
I have a lot of trouble breaking it off and then ultimately procrastinate on it like a smokers last cigarette but it has to happen.
I did it. Do you know the funny thing? I’m not sure it will even work out with this girl, in fact I don’t think it will. But even so, I think (hope) I made the right choice. I made sure she was in Tokyo again and with some friends, and I told her. I moved out. My heart is fucking aching right now and every cell in my body is screaming at me that I’ve made a mistake, but I keep trying to remember the headspace I was in before I made the decision.
You know, this is a really fucking lonely place to be on my own. The cold, impersonality usually comforts me a little, but not now.
Good lad, I'm sure you did do the right thing. Have a few sakes and take yourself to one of those maid cafes or something to cheer yourself up.
It'll hurt for a while yes, but the important thing now is to stay your course. You can't go back on it now, it'll only cause more pain and suffering for everyone involved. The new lass is your plan B and safety net, but don't rely on it, just take it as it goes and keep your eyes open.
The really important takeaway from this is that even regardless of the situation with the other girl, you weren't happy in your previous relationship, and even if it was traumatic, ending it was the only fair and right thing to do for her as well as yourself. Don't dwell on the past, look into the future.
He absolutely doesn't need this. Keep it to yourself.
If he wasn't happy in the relationship then ending it was the decent thing to do regardless of another woman in the picture. Staying in a relationship you're unhappy with just because it's been a long time is a cowardly and selfish thing to do.
When does it stop feeling like I want to jump off a bridge? This is a real fucking ordeal, isn’t it? How do so many people break up, all the time, and actually function in life? I’ve lost a lot of weight, I’m eating but I just have such a small appetite, I feel like I’m grieving. I think about her and what she must feel like and it breaks me.
Like anything else, it becomes easier the more you do it (regardless of whether that's a good or bad thing). This girl was your one and only for a good chunk of your life, until she wasn't. It would be a bit weird if you weren't mourning.
For what it's worth, I spent a good few months after the breakup of a relationship that only lasted two years shouting and cursing whenever I took a shower.
It basically is grieving. When it comes to ending a relationship, chances are you'll have very little to do with them going forwards, so you sort of have to accept they're gone in a very similar way to death. Except, it's kind of like it was someone you secretly wanted to die.
In my past experience it's been at least a month or two before I've been able to do much besides moping on the sofa passively staring at various forms of media. But it's a lot like escaping a cycle of depression. Whenever you feel the slightest bit of motivation, seize on it, focus yourself entirely on whatever that impulse is, whether it's to go to the gym or building your toy soldiers or writing some erotic Darkest Dungeon fanfiction, whatever it may be, commit to it. Force yourself to move forward and do things for yourself.
You've spent a long time living in a balance with somebody else and you've become accustomed to that, for now you have to find your feet and become a stable whole by yourself again.
Whatever you do, don't move on into a new relationship until you've figured that part out, learned to be a functional and healthy individual again- You will subconsciously yearn for somebody to just slide in and fill the gap left by your ex, but trust me. I've learned the hard way. It doesn't end well. I'm pretty sure my last 3 relationships have just been one long cycle of rebounds for the one who really broke my heart about ten years ago.
>>32808 I moved back for a bit, Japanese girl and I have a "thing" going on. No commitment but very loving... When I got through the pain of ending my relationship i realised I should have done it long ago. On good terms with ex. I hit the gym, looking good. Yeah, just happy. Thanks lads.
I will say I do deal with some feelings of guilt. I can’t help but feel guilty having these feelings and sleeping with her, even after I’ve broken up. We decided to not make us an official thing until more time has passed, for the sake of giving the relationship the best shot possible… I’m wondering if that’s just another thing time will heal…?
Have you been through many break ups before or is the first "proper" one you've had?
I think the length of time you need to heal depends on the length and closeness of the relationship, but generally for any serious relationship I really think you should take about 3-6 months at least to yourself before you even consider dating again.
You know when women do that "monkey branch" thing that everyone usually thinks is a snake psycho move that shows they have a heart of stone? Keep in mind, that's basically what you have done here, in many ways- The key is in how you move forward from it. Someone like my ex will still be "monkey branching" onto new blokes every 12-18 months until she hits a point, probably in her early 40s, where her looks start to fade and nobody wants her anymore, and it's only then she will maybe learn the lesson. But unlike her, you have the self-awareness to learn from what you have been through.
So yeah, in your case, take it very steady. You do need time and space to process the end of the relationship, and come to terms with the guilt, which is healthy. Guilt is a very educational emotion that helps you grow into a better person. You can do the right thing overall and still have legitimate feelings of guilt and responsibility, they aren't mutually exclusive.
It’s my first break up. I like what you said r.e guilt being educational. I would like to think I’ve learnt from this whole experience at least. Ultimately, and this sounds corny as fuck, but I just want everyone to be ok. I want her, Jgf, me, to just be ok.
She said we’re in an “open relationship” for now, but in xyz months when I feel less attached to my ex and she can trust me about that / feel less weird, then we will be a thing. I can’t lie, a part of me is really sad at the thought of her going off to date or sleep with others guys (which she has promised me she hasn’t but still). I’m scared some gigachad will come in and fuck it up before this healing process is done with, but as the Japs say, shouganai, it is what it is.
We made it official/exclusive… I’m not sure if I should tell my ex or not. She’ll find out one way. Maybe it’s best from me. Maybe this was a silly idea, but I’m madly happy.
>>32885 I suppose but we talk pretty often so it would feel a little weird to not mention I’m dating a mutual friend of ours. Maybe I’ll just leave it for now, fuck it.
>>32887 I just… I feel like I’m almost lying to her? We’re on good terms. If she asks how my day is, or what I’m doing next week, I can’t exactly hide it forever can I? It’s not an ideal situation I know…
>>32889 Really, I’d like to maintain some kind of friendship with her, and my motivation for doing this now would be to get it out of the way now, so we can move forward. This is hopelessly unrealistic.
