I imagine you've just become bored of the status quo. It must be difficult to live a traditionally pure life without the supporting society around you, at a time like this.
Is it worth it to break a loving relationship to feel in love again?
Surely there's some other way you can reignite that spark with your significant other - what affect has this adventure of a lifetime had upon your relationship thusfar, notwithstanding the newcomer?

A lot of people go through the motions and wake up like this. You could be describing a new build.

You have ignored your own wants for too long, and now the new girl is a 'projection'. There's a karmic lesson here because the same thing can (likely will) happen with the new girl.

>She'l be on her own, she will be utterly lost and confused. How can I do that to someone?

If you are not properly in it, you free her and allow her to be actually happy or fulfilled rather than a marriage of convenience, which would hollow out anyone. She may be better without you.

Leaving a woman at 31 is something to feel bad about.

>>32092
>Leaving a woman at 31 is something to feel bad about.
Is or isn't?

Agreeing with other lads on the point that the new girl probably represents something new and exciting to you, and pursuing her is a convenient way to sidestep the long-term commitments you don't want with your current partner. It's unlikely to be a coincidence that these feelings would spring up around the ages that partners typically do start marrying and having kids.

Your post is about how it'll affect your lass to leave her. That's honourable, and everything but what do you actually want? What needs have you been ignoring to keep peace with your lass? What is it about new girl versus your partner that you find appealing? What do you want from your partner? What do you want your life to look like in a few years?

>>32091
>what affect has this adventure of a lifetime had upon your relationship thusfar, notwithstanding the newcomer?
It has surrounded me with a constant source of temptation and with that frustration. A large part of me wants to go on a drink fuelled sex rampage, one I never got to do and know for a fact I could now absolutely do. I am seriously fighting that.

>>32094
>what do you actually want?
To some degree, see above, but overall I don't know. I feel like it would be mental to throw away an actual faithful loving life partner. God knows how rare that is in this world. And that to me has always felt like a fair deal. Sure, I don't get out of my system what I should have done as a younger lad, sure I don't get the excitement of pulling girls and casual sex, but in turn I get something far more special. In the past this was an easy thing to contend with, but as I age and face the prospect that I will ALWAYS be eying up that cute asian girl in the coffee shop and dreaming, I begin to wonder if I really am making the right decision.

>What is it about new girl versus your partner that you find appealing?
This pains me so much to even write, or think, but she makes me feel proud to be with her when we're out in public, she makes me feel like I want to go home and do things to her that I have never done with my own. My partner is not overtly sexual, at all, she's barely interested in sex. This girl is very, very different.

>What do you want your life to look like in a few years?
I want to be content. I don't want to push away regrets. I want to feel accomplished and respected by friends.

>>32095
>I feel like it would be mental to throw away an actual faithful loving life partner.
There is more to a relationship than just mutual love and the support we all require to feel our best is always multifaceted. You have sexual desires but your partner doesn't have the libido to match. Are those desires fundamental to your happiness and security? I would argue not from how long your relationship has been pleasant without.

If it's frivolous shagging that you're after then talk to your partner about your needs. The worst that can happen is that your relationship comes to a close and you both realise why but at best you might get your end away on the side. You're already thinking about calling it to a close so you may as well steer it towards a productive conversation.

What do you think would happen if you said to your girlfriend "A large part of me wants to go on a drink fuelled sex rampage" - Is it necessarily the beginning of the end?

So we spoke about it. And with a couples therapist.

She is unsurprisingly very much against the idea of sharing. She sees sex as only a romantic pursuit and cannot imagine having it without loving someone. But, she’s promised to consider it and next therapy session in a weeks time I think we’ll discuss it. She mentioned being more open to the idea of sex workers than normal people, but that feels sordid and not what I want. I want to feel the thrill of someone wanting me, someone desiring me, even if only for their selfish sexual needs.

How do I end a near decade long relationship? It feels like trying to cut off my own family. It’s not viable. But even so I think I want to. We match on so many things. Her personality, her kindness, her humour, hobbies , our cutesy little couple things we have, her goals and morals. I love her so so much.

But… I can’t help but feel not particularly attracted to her. I often think she’s ugly. I want to fuck other women and have them on my arm. I feel so fucking shallow and creepy saying that, and maybe I am, but I’ve fought for 9 years to push that emotional ball under water and now it’s springing up higher than ever.

What do I do? Do I choose the high minded , sensible and loving option of a partner that will always be there, always be faithful, always support and care for me? Or do I follow my gut emotion and break up? I feel so fucking resentful of the idea that I have to make a compromise at all. I want to have my cake and eat it, I’m fed up of pretending I don’t. I’m resentful because I know the right decision to make and it’s one I’m not happy with. I’m resentful because I wish I was more of a bastard that could cheat and feel no remorse, I’m resentful because I’m only here once and I’m terrified of holding these regrets for the rest of my life, having them simmer and stew and turning out a bitter old man.

I feel you. I have not had sex with my girlfriend since Jan 2016. I find her, at best, totally unattractive. I want to fuck women I'm actually attracted to. I want to enjoy sex. But I can't say to her "I love you and am attracted to you emotionally, but I have no interest in fucking you". Do I bin off the woman I've lived with for 6 years, who gets me in most senses, who would do anything for me? Just so I can spunk up some sexy lady and get my end away.

>>32105
You could just risk it and have an affair. She doesn't get hurt if she doesn't find out, and neither does the girl you're shagging if you are open about it with her. It could collapse like a house of cards at any moment but sometimes true happiness takes a roll of the dice.

...this is bad advice, isn't it.

>>32105
>>32106

I'd argue both of you simply made the wrong decision in getting with someone like that; you ignored something that is a primal desire and, let's not beat around the bush, a pretty fundamental component of happiness in a relationship.

This sort of alludes to the other thread about the childfree couple, but we are after all, nothing but mammal; we have hardwired biological instincts and I don't think it does any good repressing them. It's not embarrassing too say that and it shouldn't be treated as something to be ashamed of. When I was in a relationship that was sexually unfulfilling, I was more depressed than I have been at any other point in my life, beyond perhaps the death of my best mate. Whereas on the other side of the coin, I feel that a healthy and fulfilling sex life leads to all sorts of benefits in the rest of your life, and I earnestly believe that sexual compatibility is every bit as important as a complimentary personality, similar worldview, and so on.

I think either way there's an aspect of selfishness. Staying with them isn't really an altruistic act of selflessness, it's to shield yourself from the guilt of being a bastard. But frankly, if they don't make you happy, part of that is on them too, right? If you've exhausted all the usual avenues of trying to get them to be a bit naughtier and a bit saucier, are you really the bastard for seeking out what would really make you happy? Are you really being a bastard if you're setting them free from a relationship that was essentially built on a lie anyway?

Or, to put it another way- Do you think anyone would judge your partner so harshly if the shoe was on the other foot, and it was her who left you for not fully satisfying her needs (sexual or otherwise)?

If you ask me I reckon you need to pick a course of action, and once you have, don't look back. Either way has it's pros and cons, but the key is you have to suck it up and stay that course. Whichever way you go, make that bed good and snug, because you are going to have to fucking well lie in it.

>>32113
Or you could just bury your missus on a remote Thai beach. You'll know the right thing to do, lad.

>I’m resentful because I wish I was more of a bastard that could cheat and feel no remorse

You are a nice guy; you're avoiding hurting her and are wasting her time. Cheating is less of a bastard move than what you're doing now, you just have an avenue to feel better about yourself.

Women are not attracted to such behaviour, she can't fuck a man that dithers.

lads I’ve done it. She agreed she doesn’t mind me seeing escorts, as long as they’re “the expensive, safe ones”, and don’t do it too often. The thing she’s most afraid of is me catching feelings for someone else. We’re going to discuss the idea with the therapist later in the week but I think this is a good step forward any way. I still want to fuck my female hentai friend but she’s off limits, for now.

>>32125
A nice guy would be using that line of thought to say “see look how nice I am, aren’t you lucky?”. I don’t think me verbalising my thinking on an anonymous image board is the same. I DO think that, because it WOULD be easier. But I’m very aware of the emotional power I hold over her, and I don’t want to manipulate, coerce, pressure her into anything.

But I’m sure if I asked her , she would rather me discuss the emotional and physical needs of our relationship than betray her trust and safety. She’s a fully grown adult, she’s promised me she won’t agree to do anything that betrays her values and I’m happy with that. We’re working with a professional psychologist to ensure that.

>>32126
>I still want to fuck my female hentai friend but she’s off limits, for now.
Not if she charges you for the pleasure. That seems to be the defining logic your missus is going with. Unless you're not allowed to shag escorts that you hang out with platonically in which case you're a dirty dog and I salute you.

>>32127

I think your consideration/awareness is superficial given the situation you've put yourself in is all.

>I’m sure if I asked her , she would rather

Women don't know what they want

Bit of a depressing update. Tried the escort thing. It was... ok. Not something im in any rush to do again.

ぶut i have a bigger problem. My feelings for this other girl are blowing out of control. Firstly she's a mutual friend. I met her first on a language exchange app. Didnt tell her I had a girlfriend for a while... Ive since been on many 1 to 1 things with her. Coffees, walks, dinners, she shows me around this new city , we constantly joke and we both have a great time. I think she likes me. She's always complimenting my appearance, last night she linked my arm as we walked , she's very touchy (which I believe is.extremely uncommon in Japan), she spent 5 minutes last night just feeling my arms and touching my hair and telling me my eyes are beautiful. Also, conveniently or not she is moving to the UK in a few months on a holiday visa on her own. She says she'll miss me "soo much", and that when we first met it was like we'd known each other for a long time. The only thing that puts me off from thinking she isn't into me is that she basically never texts me first. But is very keen to hang out and drop things when I do. So... Is she into me? I want to be her friend still. It feels so painful to think I'd have to cut her out of my life. But I fucking love my girlfriend and want our relationship saved. What do I do? I'm not cut out for this stuff. I spent about 15 years playing video games I don't know what I'm doing .

>>32265
She also said last night to me over drinks that when I told.her I had a girlfriend (which I did weeks after first talking), she was heartbroken. But she did it in a kind of jokey banter way, so I just laughed along. She also said if it wasn't for me she wouldn't be friends with my girlfriend. That she likes her but she can be a bit difficult to get along with. Not sure if I should read anything into that...

>>32265
>>32266

I think it's necessary to take a step back and consider why you're so enamoured with your friend. What does she provide that your girlfriend doesn't? You mention in the OP that you don't feel as attracted to your girlfriend anymore. Why? If you can identify that, could you imagine anything that might rekindle such an attraction?

Marriage and children can be daunting prospect. Are you able to pinpoint whether this fear is due to being unready for the commitment, or whether you simply don't want to do this with your current partner? Hypothetically, if you struck up a relationship with your friend, how would you feel about marriage and children with her?

I suppose all the Socratic questioning is to get to the heart of the issue, which is what you want. Evidently, your attraction to your friend goes deeper than just a need for sexual novelty, so your arrangement with your girlfriend is unlikely to be enough.

I wouldn't think about this in terms of selfishness or selflessness, since it's reasonable to think that your girlfriend doesn't want to live her life with someone that isn't happy with her. Just don't go into the future blind, and make sure your choice is a conscious one. I'm sorry you're in this position, mate, but this is life isn't it? Making choices. Listen to the man JLP, here and sorry for spamming /emo/ with Star Trek:

>>32267

Thank you for the post. I really appreciate it.

>What does she provide that your girlfriend doesn't?
Physically she is more attractive, and if I'm honest she is more "exotic". I do think that comes into play somewhat. I'm far from home in a weird place and this beautiful local girl is helping me, teaching me things. She's extremely independent. She's also very, very appreciative of me and my looks, which feels nice. That's not to say my GF doesn't do some of these things too. Really, she's done nothing wrong other than be unattractive. I feel proud to be seen out with this girl. This friend has also made it clear she wouldn't ever want kids (which aligns with me and actually what my own GF wants), Marriage with her ... Hmm. I don't know. When she said she was going on a date (turned out to be a joke), my heart sunk. I don't think the "open" free thing would really be what I want with her...

Fuck fuck fuck. I feel so bad. I am literally sick to my core, lethargic, unwell. I’m becoming obsessed with this other girl. But I’d be a mentalist to throw away a ten year fucking relationship for someone I’ve only known for 4 months who might not even like me. She’s pretty, fun, I love her voice, the way she dresses, her hair cut, her Japanese lessons, the way she links my arm in public, everything. But do I *really* know her that well? My girlfriend does nearly everything right. She’s a beautiful person, but I don’t have that spark of attraction. I can’t break up with her. I’ve tried, multiple times, and I take it back immediately. It’s unfair. I can’t even give her a good reason WHY. “Oh because you’re unattractive and I’ve found someone else”. I’m never, ever going to say that. What the fuck do I do? I feel like jumping in front of a train. I am being crippled by this. I’ve not eaten anything in a week, I’ve not left the bed, I’m crying like a lunatic. I don’t have any friends to tell. I never, ever thought I’d be in a position like this. I feel like I’m on the edge of a giant, giant life choice. There are two very lives ahead of me depending on my choice. One of them is one of my dreams, the other is one I am exceedingly lucky to already have. How many people in this world truly find someone who loves them unconditionally, their first love, utterly loyal, understanding, caring? Superficiality, vanity, “pride”, can’t be worth that, surely.

>>32265
>She's always complimenting my appearance, last night she linked my arm as we walked , she's very touchy (which I believe is.extremely uncommon in Japan), she spent 5 minutes last night just feeling my arms and touching my hair and telling me my eyes are beautiful.

There's a Japanese cultural thing called 'skinship' that sounds, from an outsider view, to be potentially what's going on here. They're just a lot more comfortable sharing personal space, apparently.

>She also said if it wasn't for me she wouldn't be friends with my girlfriend.
Uh .. i can see why you're struggling here.

You realise that by continuing to spend time with this woman you're eating your cake too, right? As you've said, you're the one chasing her. Wouldn't that continue through any relationship that might develop if you were to pesue it?

>Japan
>language lessons
>4 month love interest with teacher
As a side note have you seen Lost in Translation? It's about 2 western people who otherwise might not have connected, who do so none-the-less against the backdrop of an alien culture. There're in a weird place in their relationships, cut off from home and trying to navigate a weird and wonderful environment.
I donno man, seems somehow relevant. I came away from that film feeling a remorseful love and I've never been to Japan or crossed arms with another but my mother.

>>32273
>having my cake and eating it
This is what I’m worried about. I’ve been talking with my sister, she’s said that too. But would that not only be the case if she WAS interested in me? I have no way of knowing for sure unless I ask. And it’s going to surely ruin the friendship between us 3 if I do.

I’m so fucking stressed. I’ve been a cunt to my girlfriend. I love her immensely yet I’ve been a cunt. I promised her this female friend wasn’t an issue , and yet here we are. I do genuinely think she deserves someone better than me, and yet I know I love her and she loves me in a way that won’t ever be easily matched.

Also, my sisters comment is in the picture. Regarding her never texting me first. I don’t like to think that’s true. What do you think?

>>32275
>She also said if it wasn't for me she wouldn't be friends with my girlfriend.
>Uh .. i can see why you're struggling here.

What exactly does this mean though? When she found out I had a girlfriend she was insistent on meeting her. Her last relationship she was cheated on by some French guy and I know she doesn’t want to be in the middle of this mess. She was very adamant that we all 3 become friends and now she’s saying this stuff? Ok yes I was friends first and we are closer friends but this is a bizarre thing to tell me right ?

>>32276
People aren't always necessarily consistent or logical in what they want or what signals they send. On top of that, I've had various degrees of intimacy with a number of women from China, Korea, Malaysia and Japan and I wouldn't bother trying to make sense of them. Only the thoroughly Westernised ones are remotely predictable. I don't know what I'd do in your situation but I'd know the right and sensible thing to do would be to stick with the original girlfriend, as you have no idea what expectations, social obligations or intentions the new one has.

>>32265

>language exchange app

Which one m8? I want a Japanese girl to obsess over too.

I just did it. I feel hollow. Broken. It’s over . 9 years. I may have made the biggest mistake of my life.

>>32279
Good luck mate, at least you'll get some closure. Even if this other woman doesn't work out, it sounds like you probably needed the break anyway.

>>32279

I know it's a bit late now, but I would have honestly advised you try to have a bit of an affair first.

Best of luck to you though lad, I hope she really turns out to be worth pursuing. And please do keep us updated, obviously, we need some gossip.

I’m such a fucking idiot. She begged , sobbed. My head flashed with all the good times, the things I love about us and her, and I took it back. The pain was so, so strong I felt like I’d made a huge mistake, so I took it back. I said let’s try, let’s go to therapy , let’s see if we can work it out. I’m not sure what I’m doing. It’s worth mentioning I have OCD. I don’t know if this is impacting me. But I fee, still, sick to my stomach. Either this is taking some huge toll on me or I have caught an actual illness as im throwing up, shivering. I am so, so pathetic .

>>32282

So... Did you tell her about the other lass, or what? Did you tell the other lass "I was going to break up with my missus to see if I have a shot with you"?

I mean I have been where you are, I know the pain of how it feels when they plead with you not to do it, and I am sure we have all been on the other end of that at some point or another in our lives.

But generally when you pick a course in matters like these, you really do have to stick it out. If you backpedal or waver too much you might just blow it with both of them.

>>32283
No, and here’s where it gets messed up.
I DID tell her, yesterday, I had feelings for this Japanese girl. But I took that back too. Saying, I feel silly, I regret saying that, I think it was me just mistaking having a fun time for something more. We’re all 3 of us friends. My gf didn’t want to lose her as a friend. So I said no, I’m just being silly. And she bought it.

When I broke up with her yesterday, she told the other girl first, and she text me saying some things like “what is wrong with you ! Are you sure you made the right decision ? Are you ok? Clam down and take your time to think about this “. I want to post a screenshot but I’m worried it will be up here forever. Is there a way to have it deleted after xyz hours mods?

>>32284
We can delete images on user request, yes. It's not automatic.

>>32284

This is probably going tosound smarmy anduseless as fuck, but I apologise, I was not present to say any of this earlier. However, from how it all sounds:

I think you could have reasonably just had a calm, rational, sit down chat with Other Girl, and said to her like... "Look, I think I might have feelings for you, but obviously I have a girlfriend, so before I go and do something really daft can I just ask you, honestly, if you are into me? And if you are, would you want me to do that?"

You don't have to lose her as a friend, I've got friends who were near-misses for relationships, it part of life at some point, and if all three of you are mates it will be water under the bridge eventually. It's understandable the situation you are in that you are getting all mixed up over whether or not these feelings are really feelings, and if they are reciprocated, and so on.

Now, with that said, with the situation as it stands now: What you really need to do is get them both together into a throuple. Think about it. It's win win win. It's exactly the kind of crazy plan that just might work.

I believe in you lad. Godspeed.

The reason I said you were being a nice guy is because you’re totally operating on how others feel and do not have courage in your convictions. The Japanese girl just represents you if you’d been more honest with yourself, which is why she’s so appealing.

I know you’ll think I’m a cunt with the “I told you so” attitude, but that you had to argue, rather than ignore, my point told me everything. A lot of men do this and cause themselves and others a lot of suffering.

On one level, it’s very satisfying to be in a long term relationship and lusting after a Japanese girl. As I said, karmic lesson. You’d do well to understand that “nice guy” isn’t a label you stick on bad people, but an attribute of masculinity that we are all susceptible to. In situations like this it is wise to remember.

Yeah, it seems I probably am this “nice” guy. But at no point have I ever felt I’ve done something solely for the sake of someone else’s feelings. I do, genuinely, fucking love my girlfriend. Really, I look at her and my heart melts. I think of all the things we’ve gone through together and it tears me up. I have absolutely no doubt in my mind that she is madly in love with me too. Yeah, I sometimes want something fresh , exciting, exotic, but wouldn’t they too become mundane one day? My first relationship, my first love, my first in most things. I think I’m a fool. I don’t know what I have. I don’t know what I’d be throwing away. I couldn’t bare that pain. This is all so dramatic, I know. But she saved my life when I was suicidal. She stuck with me through the darkest, most wretched things I’ve ever gone through. And it bonds you. I’m like a spoilt rich brat, I don’t know what I’ve got and I don’t appreciate it. She’s put up with so, so much bullshit. She’s blinded, even.
And yet when I think of “forever after” with her I get scared. I’m mortal. I will die. I can’t commit because I’m afraid of what it represents. That’s not her fault, and it would happen with anyone. I need to stop drinking. I am losing the plot

>>32287

I don't want to derail otherlads thread, but I'm skeptical whether "nice guy" is a useful label to use, particularly as it's associated with nasty stereotypes and silly internet memes. We all have instances in life where we find ourselves valuing the emotional state of others above our own, rightly or wrongly. I find it better to evaluate on a case-by-case basis.

>>32282

Forgive me for saying this, OP, but you are coming across as a bit inexperienced in terms of romantic relationships. That's not an attack, it's just that tears are par for the course when you become emotionally involved with people and things don't go as expected. You can't allow that to eat you up with guilt. It feels awful to hurt someone, I agree, but you haven't been a cunt -- you've not set out to hurt anyone.

The worst anyone can accuse you of at this stage is indecisiveness and a lack of clarity. It is imperative that you recognise the situation you are in and be honest with yourself, or you could lose your relationship for nothing.

For example, why tell your girlfriend that you're attracted to someone else if you're only going to backpedal afterwards? That confuses everyone and makes things far harder. If you are going to be honest, then stand by that honesty. Usually long-term relationships will necessitate that kind of honesty.

To be blunt, it is also entirely unclear from your posts whether Japanese girl has any feelings for you. The fact that she is a mutual friend and may not like the idea of breaking up a relationship complicates things even further. As daft as it might seem, >>32286's approach would go a long way. If you were to calmly state you've been having some feelings for her and you're wondering if she has those same feelings as well, that will give you more crucial information to judge your next action.

I also reiterate from >>32267 not to just "let things sort themselves out". You are not a passive actor in this situation. You are one half of a long-term relationship, now experiencing a strong attraction towards a mutual friend. You have to decide how to handle that situation and stand by it. It's true that ending a relationship by choice can cause a painful sense of loss, and choosing not to pursue someone may cause some feelings of "missing out", but to allow both the relationship and friendship to simply unravel by indecision will be a much, much deeper source of regret.

I am being quite serious about this: it is almost always better to make a conscious decision and risk being wrong. That at least makes your successes and mistakes more clear to learn from in the future.

>>32290
I can empathise a lot with what you're saying. I'm 30, been with my girlfriend for 8 years, she was my first proper grown up girlfriend. I love her a lot, but the talk of kids and marriage scares me. Like you, my girlfriend has saved me from suicidal thoughts and helped me in so many ways when I've been unable to support myself. But at the same time, do I want to stay in this relationship solely out of loyalty and obligation? We've not had sex in 7 years. That's all down to me rejecting it. She has put up with a sexless relationship for 7 years because she loves me so much. But I'm rejecting and then wanking to slags on Twitter. I can't imagine ever meeting someone else who would put up with my dark periods. And yet, the idea of the rest of my life with her depresses the fuck out of me. Sorry if this is a bit of incoherent ramble.

>>32292

Seven years is a long time to not have had sex in a relationship.

Have you thought about whether it's just you rejecting her because you don't fancy her physically (anymore), or is it some deeper emotional trauma that's keeping you from doing it? Or are you just addicted to wanking online?

It's a bit rare that the lad doesn't want to have sex. You hear about women not wanting it because as far as they're concerned the relationship is emotionally over. One of my exes was with a lad right before me for three years where they didn't have sex for over a year. Different story, but I was then her way out and she broke up with him ten days after we casually met at a friend's party. Which is kind of my point. Lasses will put up with a loveless - and sexless - relationship for a while, maybe even for a number of years. But then when the right lad comes along to replace you, they won't look back.

I don't want to scare you, but your reluctance to settle down at this point in your life with a marriage and kids, combined with not wanting to sleep with her for seven years could be a ticking time bomb. At the moment, you're the one rejecting her both for sex and for her life goals. But that could turn on its head if and when somebody enters her life who offers her an alternative. Especially at the kind of age that she is now, if she's about the same age as you.

>>32294

>It's a bit rare that the lad doesn't want to have sex.

Not him, but both depression and (ironically) antidepressants can absolutely kill your sex drive.

>>32295

>both depression and (ironically) antidepressants can absolutely kill your sex drive

Not saying it doesn't happen, but I've been depressed in a relationship and I've been on antidepressants, but it didn't really diminish my sex drive. On the contrary, a good wank or a good shag often had a positive effect.

OP here. Well, I'm not sure what I'm doing, still. Bizzarely my mind seems to be flopping between thinking I'm over the (Other) girl to the same longing pains and thoughts.. I'm not sure what that means, but it's changing throughout the day. At one point yesterday I told myself I'd just be happy if she's happy. I guess that's progress ...? Talking of SSRIs, I quit my own 3 months ago. And im aware some of my behaviour or negative thinking may be related ...?

Well, she told me she loves me… that was unexpected. Fuck, she fucking knew what she was doing this whole time? Now I love two women and can’t do anything.

One problem is she’s got increasingly close to my girlfriend. We all have a group chat. Go on little trips together. This is awful .

>>32550

Throuple?

>>32551
I’m sure you’re just joking but I drunkenly told myself that was a possibility last night but that only happens on TV I guess. There’s no way either of them would go for that, it’s just not a realistic thing for 99.99% of people I’m sure.

But I will say this. I do genuinely love my girlfriend and I think I do love this girl too. I feel like whatever I do, or don’t do, it will be painful.

>>32552

Your girlfriend is either incredibly trusting, hopelessly naive, or she has already sussed something is going on. Question is if she's just waiting to see how things go, or if she's turning a blind eye. Either that or the two of them are secretly scissoring under your nose already.

I think your only option here, and I'm only being a little bit facetious, is to get really drunk with the pair of them, make a few suggestive remarks about a threesome, and see if anything comes out of it. I sense perhaps the tension is bubbling there for all three of you.

>>32552
>>32553

Okay okay no, re-reading the thread a bit, one detail we've been mostly forgetting about in most of the consideration here is that you moved to a new country together, right? I suspect what this means is that your other half is putting up with an awful lot of what would be, otherwise, relationship ending drama purely because let's face it. You're on the other side of the world, and you only have each other. Or, at least, she only has you- She knows you'd like to fuck off with the other girl, but she's just desperate not to be cast out on her own in a foreign country miles away from her old friends and family, who would normally be there to support her through the end of a relationship.

This is something I have only briefly considered in my own life because I've never been the type who's adventurous enough to move too far away from home. When my last relationship ended in a total meltdown, I would have very likely been homeless were it not for my mum and dad living a matter of miles away. It's a big reason I've had mates put up with hellish marriages for years beyond the time they should have ended, because looking at it from outside, it was obvious neither of them were really capable of living independently and the trauma of a breakup and needing to move etc would have been too much for them to handle. Now multiply that by ten because you're in a foreign country and you have no outside support network. If I was in that position I am sure I'd put up with an awful lot before admitting the game is up.

I'm sure that doesn't make you feel any better at all but this is likely the reality of the situation. I think all in all, it's really the bigger crime to keep going along with all this, being indecisive, stringing your girlfriend along when she surely knows, deep down, what's going on. You're just prolonging her suffering, and in many ways that's worse than just outright cheating on her.

You can't have your cake and eat it, you need to choose one way or the other. If you want to be the least bit of a decent bloke you need to either shit, or get off the toilet. Choose your own happiness or your girlfriend's happiness, but either way, just choose. Choose and stick to it, cast the other out of your mind entirely. Flip a coin if you have to. But you have to choose.

Tell you what, let's have a vote on it.

https://strawpoll.com/GPgV6rAWAga

>>32554
I don't know what kind of website you thought you were posting on.

>>32555
Three votes. One for each of us. Decision is clear.

I was going to post that if he dumps his current girlfriend, she won't be completely alone because she'll still be friends with the new girlfriend. Thankfully, I abstained from voting.

>>32553
Appreciate the help once again lads. I can't talk to any of my friends about this, we are all too interconnected friendship group wise, and last time I did it caused a shitstorm.

You're absolutely right about the foreign country bit. But in a few weeks she's going home for a month. I've also arranged to 'get drunk' with this other girl during that time, who herself never ever drinks but suggested it. I won't do anything despite her massive hints to 'experience a love hotel', but I do really enjoy her company so I didn't decline the invite. I am absolutely aware of how bad an idea this is.
>>32554
The problem with choosing her happiness or mine is that I would choose mine every day of the week... but I AM happy. I DO love my girlfriend, my heart melts when I see her, I love our soppy little things, I feel comfortable and happy with her, she's incredibly understanding and trusting, we are deeply in love. We've gone to couples therapy and understood more about each other, had the patience to work on it. Our fucking couples therapis said "I am not usually meant to tell people to not break up but you two clearly deeply love each other, whatevery you do, think about it". She would be faithful to me until the day nature splits us apart. This other girl is someone I've spoken to every day for nearly a year. At the very least she's my best friend now. She's absolutely adorable, caring, funny and intelligent. She's helped me so so much in a weird place. She's kind of mothered me in a way, sorting all my boring bureacreacy things, translating this and that, going with me to xyz, etc. I've tried to return the favours as best I can. And when she talks about other guys, or going to the UK and finding a boyfriend it breaks my heart. I feel jealous. I feel scared that at the very least I'd lose her as a friend.

Ideally, I would just stay with my current girlfriend. I'd be best friends with this girl, and I'd have no romantic feelings for her and all would be great. But I've tried that and I realised that when she texts me my heart lights up in a way it probably doesn't for friends, I feel genuine joy and calmness in her company. I've since realised that I should do what I think is right for my sake, you're right, its absolutely unfair to stay with someone because you think you're hurting them by leaving - but that is absolutely not the case. I just don't know what's best for ME.

>>32558
If she's friends with you and the lass but she's trying to make you get drunk and go to a love hotel while the Mrs is away then she's a snake, lad. After 5 months of this soppy "I don't know what to do lads" it's time to fuck her off or at least find her a proper boyfriend.

Yeah you might feel the sting of a loss of opportunity.

Whatever you do you're going to regret it. You can't win this one.

>>32558

You clearly know the right thing to do, you just lack the backbone to do it, and understandably you want to nut in the other bird because you are starved of sexual variety. What we need to do is persuade you why it's the right thing to do.

Personally I'd beware the new one. Think about it lad- Can you really trust the kind of woman who's willing to swoop in and steal another lasses man from right under her nose, all the while smiling and playing along, pretend to be her friend while she's at it? That's some master level psycho manipulator behaviour. You'd best just give her my number and I'll deal with her for you.

>>32561
It's the Star Trek 2: The Wrath of Khan of /emo/ threads.

>>32562
I suppose you’re right, but she’s Japanese, and I’ve quickly realised I don’t have a fucking clue what these women are about, the morals here seem … different, to say the least. Which nicely brings me to the next fucking bombshell of a development; she told me she used to be a high school escort. There is a sexual service called delivery health. Women visit your hotel or home and offer hand or oral relief after some shower time. PIV is illegal, workarounds exist. I jokingly said I wanted to try it as there’s some real whacky niche ones, and she casually dropped the “oh I used to do that” like it was nothing. Well, it’s not nothing to me. I feel sick at the thought of her visiting some creepy old cunts room. She told me she’s only ever been with two men and I believe her, but what the fuck is this shit man? Why is every normal seeming shy girl in this country a prostitute? I need to decide if I can move past this before I engage in a relationship with her because if I do I can’t hold it over her. This is by far the biggest cultural shock I’ve had, btw, you really don’t realise what the whole sex is a sin thing does to society until you visit one that has basically no religious moral imprint regarding it. Cheating , prostitution, etc. it’s a lot to wrap your head around. I think I may have even said this before but can’t be arsed checking and the drinking is ruining my memory.

Cheers lads…

>>32564
My white supremacist weeb ex-housemate used to talk about how pure and conservative Japanese girls are. This thread has shattered my views of Japan's women and I feel lied to. They're all wanking off businessmen and stealing boyfriends.

>>32566
>white supremacist weeb

Not to shit up an /emo/ thread, but does this person have some sort of nutty "Aryan of the east" justification of a love for Japanese culture?

>>32564
Lad.

But yeah, Japanese women a different beast and you've not even got a good girl on your hands. There's a strong chance she'll leave you without a word once she gets bored and that's completely normal in Japanese dating.

>>32567
It's a racial domination thing. A lot of Nazis are in relationships with Asian women.

>>32564

Yeah mate, as someone with a lifelong habit of dating headcases, this one sounds like you want to steer well clear of her. Remember the /emo/ golden rule: Distance Oneself From Cerebrally Divergent Strumpets. The cultural difference has caught you off guard and allowed her to slip past your defences here.

If I were you I'd shag her and get the fallout from that over and done with, but ultimately try stay with your missus. She sounds like she will understand. Hell, she's leaving you alone for a month with this bird, what does she expect to happen? It'll not be without repercussions, but I think once you've nutted in that tight pixellated pussy a couple of times you'll come to your senses a bit and be able to get your head straight.*

*Disclaimer, this is not advice, it's just what I would do.

>>32567
He got into Japanese culture as a schoolkid through anime. As he grew up his interest spread into non-anime elements of Japanese culture, such as politics. The classic weeb origin story.

Convoluted reasons such as Charlie Hebdo and the Bataclan Massacre led him to white supremacy. He always talked about wanting a true white Anglo-Saxon gf to preserve English bloodlines. But that didn't stop him moving to Japan, where he stated he would consider a Jap gf as they're honorary white.

>>32566
>This thread has shattered my views of Japan's women and I feel lied to.

Japanese women are seen as meek, so people tend to fill that void by projecting whatever they want into it. Similarly, it's not uncommon for weebs to perceive themselves as nice guys when the reality is they're dickheads but they're too spineless to act on it.

>>32571
>spineless, nice guy, dickhead weeb
OP here , I resent being called a weeb. How dare you. I wear deodorant and I don’t watch cartoons.

As for what I’ll do. Hmm. The way I see it, I’ll suffer some form of mental anguish whatever I do, so I’ll get drunk with her, respectfully decline her advances, and try to remain as friends. I do really enjoy her company, even if we aren’t fucking. And I don’t want to ruin our friendship over a drunken mistake in a tacky dinosaur themed sex room. A large part of me of course desperately wants to roleplay her old job with her. But I’ll just book the real thing.

If she gets with some bloke and he doesn’t like me in the picture (he won’t), then so be it. That happened in her last relationship about another male friend of hers, and she told the BF tough shit. Guess we’ll see how it goes.

I’m probably going to hopelessly fuck it up or change my mind though.

As for preconceptions about Japanese women being shattered. It’s not like I put them on a pedestal based on some anime characters. If anything I totally underestimated the differences between them and British women, so the changes I do see are shocking not because it shatters some fedora vision but because I just didn’t really consider them different at all. I’ve been in a relationship most of my adult life, that doesn’t exactly give the broadest female experience either. But overall I’d say that Japanese people in general, are difficult to read and confusing - even for a Brit, a nationality pretty well trained and savvy in reading the air, between the lines etc. God fucking help your average Yank / Dutch.

Open to suggestions on how bad an idea this is.

A Nazi with sexual hang-ups that manifest in a race fetish of some variety? This... this must be the first time ever this exact thing has happened.

>>32572
>I'll get drunk with her, respectfully decline her advances
If you get drunk alone with her that's not how it's going to play out and you know that on some level.

>>32574
I’m a pretty strong drinker these days, if I can’t out drink a near teetotal Japanese girl then I’ll renounce my citizenship. I don’t intend to get smashed just have a fun evening.




(…. yes you are right, just entertain my bollocks for a second).

>>32572

The way I see it Japanese culture is a minefield even for Brits because all though we have some pretty strong similarities in terms of our strict expectations of politeness, etiquette, and so on, it's still a very different set of rules when it comes to the specifics.

We know the general principles because our society kind of works the same way- Even the roughest council estate chav still has that particularly British set of social rules ingrained in them, it's just that they feel more at liberty to ignore them, in fact breaking that set of conventions is arguably how our underclass defines itself; therefore no matter who you are, you still have a relationship with that cultural code.

I think the difference with Japan is that theirs is all 100% sincere. In British manners, you have to play along and keep up the act, but everyone knows you don't actually give a fuck under the surface, it's all just an act, where breaking character is a huge taboo. But with Japan, it's all taken very seriously, and breaking the rules is therefore this sort of... Unwritten, unspoken expectation that nobody acknowledges. Everyone has a total double life, everyone is what we would call "two faced" by default. Bla bla bla something about The Big Other and so on and so on, you know.

Op here.

I have a dilemma. I need some urgent advice.

My girlfriend is in the UK for a few days. She’s been away for 2 weeks and I’ve realised that I’ve not missed her, and the time I’ve spent with the other girl has been wonderful. I want to break up.

I cannot, surely, break up a 10 year relationship via a video call. But… letting her travel all the way to fucking Japan, knowing she will be isolated and alone after I dump her, is a god tier dick move right? She does have her things in our apartment of course. I’m happy to sort the financial side of things and pay for her half.

What the fuck do I do?

>>32602

I think both are a bit rough, bloody hell. I suggest you stick the kettle on and have a think before you do anything rash. If you have kettles in Japan, anyway.

I think it's obvious which course of action you really want. You've gone back and forth and talked yourself out of it more times than I can keep track of, but it's obvious which way you want to go. It's just a matter of doing it in the least painful way. On the one hand yes it would be a pain in the arse to travel half way around the world to find out you're being dumped, but on the other hand that's her home too now yes? Why do you assume she wouldn't want to return?

If I was in her position I'd want to have the discussion in person, it would feel a lot more difficult to deal with, it would feel like it lacked closure, if I just got told at a distance not to bother coming back. Similarly when I've had relationships end after an argument, and they storm out, and it turns out to be the last time you saw each other in person- That's a very bitter way to end things, I think. You should always strive to end it with civility.

The proper and decent thing is for you to be the one who moves out. I mean, that's assuming she'd be able to afford the rent and so on alone, but in principle, you're the one who wants to leave, it's not fair at all to expect her to be the one who uproots her entire life on top of that. You need to quietly bow out of her life and leave her in peace, and then make no further interference, allow her to move forward with dignity.

Now, that's not necessarily how it HAS to play out, she might just say "right fuck you then, I'm off back to England" and that'll be the end of it. I've had break-ups play out that way before. But it's very much the solution you, as the instigator, have to be prepared to offer.

>>32603
I will absolutely be the one to move out, and I will even pay for her to stay here, or anywhere she wanted. But she will definitely be alone here. I do still deeply love her, and I’m trying to do this with as much care as I can. Sadly I know how she feels because of the last time I broke up with her, here… But you’re right, it does deserve to be in person. Really this is a terrible situation to find myself in.

But yes, I’ve thought about this for so long now that the hours spent answer the question itself. There are periods where I can convince myself it’s fine - and genuinely believe that, but it creeps back. I find myself laying in the bath for 3-4 hours a day just debating it, going back and for, writing notes, looking at photos, trying to meditate. But it’s time. She deserves someone who will give her absolutely no doubts about her future, and I deserve the same certainty of thought.

>>32602
>What the fuck do I do?
Mate will you just fucking stop it? You're an adult in a foriegn country; you clearly have your shit together enough to deal with this. Not that this saga isn't entertaining, but just bite the fucking bullet already [spolier]you cunt[/spoiler].

>>32605

My sympathy for OPlad is waning, I broke up with the hottest girlfriend I've ever had last week and I don't have a hot pixellated Japanese pussy waiting for me to rebound into. So if anything I'm quite jealous.

But we're here to support in /emo/, so let's focus on that.

Lads I know I’m going to break up with her, I’m just trying to work out how best to do it! I think I’ll let her come back to Japan and then do it immediately. Wait that sounds cruel as fuck. Arrrrrgh.

>>32607
You know her and we don't, but I would suggest giving it a week or so after she comes back. For one thing, she might sense that you're going to and then ask if you're going to, and then you can do so more easily.

>>32607
Just fucking dump her already. Good lord, at this rate she'll be caring for you while you die of dementia before you get around to it. Give me her number, I'll do it. As you can see my sensitive nature makes me the perfect scribe for this kind of text message.

>>32607
Sit down next to her and say "we need to talk". That gives her a slight warning of what is about to come and the rest flows automatically from that even if, like me, you stammer it out.

I have a lot of trouble breaking it off and then ultimately procrastinate on it like a smokers last cigarette but it has to happen.

I did it. Do you know the funny thing? I’m not sure it will even work out with this girl, in fact I don’t think it will. But even so, I think (hope) I made the right choice. I made sure she was in Tokyo again and with some friends, and I told her. I moved out. My heart is fucking aching right now and every cell in my body is screaming at me that I’ve made a mistake, but I keep trying to remember the headspace I was in before I made the decision.

You know, this is a really fucking lonely place to be on my own. The cold, impersonality usually comforts me a little, but not now.

>>32613

Good lad, I'm sure you did do the right thing. Have a few sakes and take yourself to one of those maid cafes or something to cheer yourself up.

It'll hurt for a while yes, but the important thing now is to stay your course. You can't go back on it now, it'll only cause more pain and suffering for everyone involved. The new lass is your plan B and safety net, but don't rely on it, just take it as it goes and keep your eyes open.

The really important takeaway from this is that even regardless of the situation with the other girl, you weren't happy in your previous relationship, and even if it was traumatic, ending it was the only fair and right thing to do for her as well as yourself. Don't dwell on the past, look into the future.

>>32615

He absolutely doesn't need this. Keep it to yourself.

If he wasn't happy in the relationship then ending it was the decent thing to do regardless of another woman in the picture. Staying in a relationship you're unhappy with just because it's been a long time is a cowardly and selfish thing to do.

>>32613
Good luck down the river of life, my man.

When does it stop feeling like I want to jump off a bridge? This is a real fucking ordeal, isn’t it? How do so many people break up, all the time, and actually function in life? I’ve lost a lot of weight, I’m eating but I just have such a small appetite, I feel like I’m grieving. I think about her and what she must feel like and it breaks me.

>>32625

Like anything else, it becomes easier the more you do it (regardless of whether that's a good or bad thing). This girl was your one and only for a good chunk of your life, until she wasn't. It would be a bit weird if you weren't mourning.

For what it's worth, I spent a good few months after the breakup of a relationship that only lasted two years shouting and cursing whenever I took a shower.

>>32625

It basically is grieving. When it comes to ending a relationship, chances are you'll have very little to do with them going forwards, so you sort of have to accept they're gone in a very similar way to death. Except, it's kind of like it was someone you secretly wanted to die.

In my past experience it's been at least a month or two before I've been able to do much besides moping on the sofa passively staring at various forms of media. But it's a lot like escaping a cycle of depression. Whenever you feel the slightest bit of motivation, seize on it, focus yourself entirely on whatever that impulse is, whether it's to go to the gym or building your toy soldiers or writing some erotic Darkest Dungeon fanfiction, whatever it may be, commit to it. Force yourself to move forward and do things for yourself.

You've spent a long time living in a balance with somebody else and you've become accustomed to that, for now you have to find your feet and become a stable whole by yourself again.

Whatever you do, don't move on into a new relationship until you've figured that part out, learned to be a functional and healthy individual again- You will subconsciously yearn for somebody to just slide in and fill the gap left by your ex, but trust me. I've learned the hard way. It doesn't end well. I'm pretty sure my last 3 relationships have just been one long cycle of rebounds for the one who really broke my heart about ten years ago.

The update no one asked for; I've never been happier... It worked out spectacularly.

>>32807

Go on then, elaborate, you cock tease. See, the .gs lads always know best.

>>32808
I moved back for a bit, Japanese girl and I have a "thing" going on. No commitment but very loving... When I got through the pain of ending my relationship i realised I should have done it long ago. On good terms with ex. I hit the gym, looking good. Yeah, just happy. Thanks lads.

>>32813

I will say I do deal with some feelings of guilt. I can’t help but feel guilty having these feelings and sleeping with her, even after I’ve broken up. We decided to not make us an official thing until more time has passed, for the sake of giving the relationship the best shot possible… I’m wondering if that’s just another thing time will heal…?

>>32820

Have you been through many break ups before or is the first "proper" one you've had?

I think the length of time you need to heal depends on the length and closeness of the relationship, but generally for any serious relationship I really think you should take about 3-6 months at least to yourself before you even consider dating again.

You know when women do that "monkey branch" thing that everyone usually thinks is a snake psycho move that shows they have a heart of stone? Keep in mind, that's basically what you have done here, in many ways- The key is in how you move forward from it. Someone like my ex will still be "monkey branching" onto new blokes every 12-18 months until she hits a point, probably in her early 40s, where her looks start to fade and nobody wants her anymore, and it's only then she will maybe learn the lesson. But unlike her, you have the self-awareness to learn from what you have been through.

So yeah, in your case, take it very steady. You do need time and space to process the end of the relationship, and come to terms with the guilt, which is healthy. Guilt is a very educational emotion that helps you grow into a better person. You can do the right thing overall and still have legitimate feelings of guilt and responsibility, they aren't mutually exclusive.

>>32821
Thank you very much for the reply.

It’s my first break up. I like what you said r.e guilt being educational. I would like to think I’ve learnt from this whole experience at least. Ultimately, and this sounds corny as fuck, but I just want everyone to be ok. I want her, Jgf, me, to just be ok.

She said we’re in an “open relationship” for now, but in xyz months when I feel less attached to my ex and she can trust me about that / feel less weird, then we will be a thing. I can’t lie, a part of me is really sad at the thought of her going off to date or sleep with others guys (which she has promised me she hasn’t but still). I’m scared some gigachad will come in and fuck it up before this healing process is done with, but as the Japs say, shouganai, it is what it is.

We made it official/exclusive… I’m not sure if I should tell my ex or not. She’ll find out one way. Maybe it’s best from me. Maybe this was a silly idea, but I’m madly happy.

>>32884
Just leave her be?

>>32885
I suppose but we talk pretty often so it would feel a little weird to not mention I’m dating a mutual friend of ours. Maybe I’ll just leave it for now, fuck it.

>>32886
>it would feel a little weird to not mention I’m dating a mutual friend of ours

Lad. Leave her alone.

>>32887
I just… I feel like I’m almost lying to her? We’re on good terms. If she asks how my day is, or what I’m doing next week, I can’t exactly hide it forever can I? It’s not an ideal situation I know…

>>32888
What good do you realistically think can come of this?

>>32889
Really, I’d like to maintain some kind of friendship with her, and my motivation for doing this now would be to get it out of the way now, so we can move forward. This is hopelessly unrealistic.