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>> No. 2130 Anonymous
31st March 2010
Wednesday 11:01 am
2130 Alcoholics
Are there any 'resting actors' out there?

I'm back up to about a litre of whisky a day again. :(
Expand all images.
>> No. 2131 Anonymous
31st March 2010
Wednesday 12:07 pm
2131 spacer

How do you pay for the whisky, O thespian?
>> No. 2133 Anonymous
31st March 2010
Wednesday 12:18 pm
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JSA and a kind relative.
>> No. 2137 Anonymous
31st March 2010
Wednesday 2:54 pm
2137 spacer
Have you considered TIE?
>> No. 2138 Anonymous
31st March 2010
Wednesday 4:54 pm
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Recovering alkie here. I was drinking 2 bottles of vodka a day at the height of my infamy (seems incredible now), but life is honestly so much simpler since I gave it up. Drinking becomes a full-time occupation, complete with work-related stress and so on. Relationships are so much easier now too. Best thing though is not having to endure the dreaded wait for the offy to open in the morning any more. Fucking brutal.

Still have the odd relapse mindyou, maybe twice a year if I'm unlucky. It's funny - withrawal is the worst thing in the world when you're going through it, but when you've been sober for 6 months or so, you do tend to forget how bad it really was.

...so then you get bored (and life can be very dull without intoxication) and you think 'what the hell'... glug glug glug.

Been considering going to as rehab clinic at some point, as all the guys who have been sober for years and years appear to have had a stint at some point. There's only really two things been stopping me - first, they're not cheap, and secondly, they do tend to be run by god-bothering types (it's for that reason, I can't be doing with AA either).
>> No. 2253 Anonymous
20th April 2010
Tuesday 7:19 pm
2253 spacer
Another recovering alkie here. I slowly (around 3 years) built a daily routine from 2-4 beers at first to a bottle of vodka a day towards the end with a pretty reliable "sober during the day, booze at night until knock-out" rhythm. A few days, sometimes nearly week break did happen and always ended with a very unpleasant feeling auto-pilot episode in the supermarket (did/does anyone else get that? You go to the shop with every intention of not buying booze, but then physically cannot bring yourself to pass by the aisle?). I eventually quit when, after a move and not quite familiar with the new place I woke up with a wet patch in the stair case because apparently I couldn't find the toilet — and absolutely no recollection of when and how it had happened.

> It's funny - withdrawal is the worst thing in the world when you're going through it, but when you've been sober for 6 months or so, you do tend to forget how bad it really was.

Truer words have ne'er been spoken, sadly.
>> No. 2909 Anonymous
31st July 2010
Saturday 8:11 pm
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Back on the juice after nearly 6 months without. Worst part, I've taken up stumbling to the local chippy while pish-drunk again. Give it a month and I can probably stop wearing my belt again...
>> No. 2910 Anonymous
31st July 2010
Saturday 10:28 pm
2910 spacer
>does anyone else get that? You go to the shop with every intention of not buying booze, but then physically cannot bring yourself to pass by the aisle?
I know exactly what you mean. I always come up with some kind of excuse for it once I'm there - nothing to do tomorrow so why not/didn't drink that much last night/that DVD arrived this morning and it'd be nice to have a beer to go with it, etc etc.

>life can be very dull without intoxication
I wish being sober was as much fun as being drunk, I really do.
>> No. 2911 Anonymous
31st July 2010
Saturday 11:42 pm
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Get hobby or something then.
>> No. 2912 Anonymous
1st August 2010
Sunday 2:30 am
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I don't understand addiction. There comes a point, when doing anything to excess, where I begin to hate it and have to stop doing it for a while. Any feelings of longing which led me to that excess in the first place are invariably trumped by the disgust which I start to feel, and my desire to feel normal again. When I'm feeling as trashed as can possibly be, or waking up feeling like death and surrounded by detritus and the barely-breathing bodies of a bunch of strangers, the 'boredom' of sobriety is the most wonderful goal I can imagine.

I don't say this to be flippant, dismissive (or even worse - to be a smug cunt), I'm just genuinely interested in how those of you who consider yourselves alcoholics wound up that way. I don't understand how the desire to feel sober gets swamped in the first place.
>> No. 2913 Anonymous
1st August 2010
Sunday 9:30 am
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Addiction is a funny beast which doesn't work the same for everyone. In much the same way some people can feel no greater joy in life than to carefully arrange stamps in an album, for other's that incomprehensible. After all, spotting Eddie Stobart trucks is much better! In other words, not everyone ticks the same.

To complicate things further, there are different types of alcoholic: from needing a constant minimum level of drunkenness to function, to spending the days mostly sober then insta-gibbing each evening (that's me), to the related "if-then" drinkers who, once they start, cannot stop until they pass out plus a few more depending on who you trust.

> I'm just genuinely interested in how those of you who consider yourselves alcoholics wound up that way.
One problem you touched on yourself already:
> When I'm feeling as trashed as can possibly be, or waking up feeling like death and surrounded by detritus and the barely-breathing bodies of a bunch of strangers, the 'boredom' of sobriety is the most wonderful goal I can imagine.
And yet, seemingly, you've ended up in that situation more than once already. Why is that? Speed up the the "never again… meh, why not" cycle a bit and you know one reason why addiction works.

Another thing I noticed is that "professional" alcoholics don't really seem to get hung-over much: they're mercilessly efficient at getting the dosage just right. Ever watched a completely plastered smoker who is barely able to keep upright surprisingly dexterously roll a ciggie? Similar concept.

Anyway, moving away from generalities, in my case a few things played together which, individually, probably would've been fine:
I started drinking on my own to unwind after work. Crucial mistake there was to very gradually increase the dose and pretend that wasn't an issue. Justifying "one more" really is scarily easy.

I started drinking to just generally de-stress, which compounded that issue. Furthermore, I didn't (and don't) have much of a social life, which is a vicious circle: on the one hand it's incredibly easy to hide the drinking, on the other it's tricky to expand your contacts when evenings are already spoken for.

I developed the "auto-pilot" mentioned above, which may be the hardest part to grasp: It's immensely difficult to just not buy booze. At the back of my mind there's a little niggle when I know there's not enough alc in the house for a comfortable night, and that niggle becomes a roar once in a shop — and if it gets close to closing time for the local shops. On the nights I do mange to go without I'm a nervous wreck around 8pm (Aldi shuts, cheapest vodka), 9pm (Co-op shuts, next best option, gin or vodka) and particularly around 10pm (Spar and garage shuts, last chance). If I make it to quarter past 10 there's no way to get booze, but then another problem kicks in:

Withdrawal is a bitch. My heart rate becomes erratic, I have trouble breathing, and I'm as awake as if I had a few litres of coffee. I can kiss goodbye to any hope of a good night's sleep at that point, sobriety suddenly doesn't seem like such a tempting option. The next day, apart from being tired and irritable, I'll have the attention span of a hyperactive squirrel. Last, but not least, it becomes more and more difficult to ignore the mess I'm in.

And here's the kicker, which is perhaps the most crucial aspect of what maintains an addiction once it's there, what some call the siren-song of addiction: booze makes every single one of those immediate problems go away near-instantly.

tl;dr: It takes a while to construct a full-fledged addiction, but once you're there you've built yourself a carefully calibrated and conducive environment for maintaining it.
>> No. 2914 Anonymous
1st August 2010
Sunday 2:31 pm
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The answer is LSD. Unfortunately the answer is considered forbidden by current legislation :(
>> No. 2915 Anonymous
1st August 2010
Sunday 4:05 pm
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Not really though. It might help give you a wider perspective for a bit but if you have a serious addiction it's not going to cure it, or help deal with any underlying issues.
>> No. 2916 Anonymous
1st August 2010
Sunday 4:13 pm
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Reading stories about ibogaine with respect to opiate addiction is intriguing. Would be neat if a similar "solution" existed for alcoholism.
>> No. 2919 Anonymous
1st August 2010
Sunday 8:39 pm
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>Get hobby
I have many hobbies. I don't need new obsessions, honestly.

The problem is that none of them win out against getting fucked up drunk.

>I don't understand how the desire to feel sober gets swamped in the first place.
I have no desire to be sober. On the contrary, for as long as I can remember I've had an omnipresent desire to drop whatever it is I'm doing and get wasted in some manner or other, with whoever's around - booze is the easy choice, since it's so readily available and socially acceptable.

Left to my own devices on a desert island, I'd be a full time alkie, no question.
>> No. 2924 Anonymous
2nd August 2010
Monday 2:56 pm
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I didn't find it convoluted or rambling at all, for whatever it's worth. Discursive (though not in a bad way), but lucid and with a clear internal logic and coherence, as well as genuine insight...

... and now that I feel like a pseud-y suck-up, I'll stop.
>> No. 2925 Anonymous
2nd August 2010
Monday 5:58 pm
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It gets the point across all right, and it reads as if we're listening to your voice. Nothing wrong with that, lad.
>> No. 3186 Anonymous
16th September 2010
Thursday 2:20 am
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Two weeks off, which was heaven. Back on the juice now, though. fml, orz.
>> No. 3188 Anonymous
16th September 2010
Thursday 2:11 pm
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Baclofen has proved promising.
>> No. 4204 Anonymous
27th November 2011
Sunday 5:08 am
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This is getting depressing. More than a year later and nothing has really changed: just had a week off, back on the sauce this weekend. Still getting drunk by myself (though, hey, in a new place) in front of a computer wasting my life.

Perhaps there should be an /Amo/
>> No. 4288 Anonymous
16th December 2011
Friday 10:22 pm
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How do you lot cope with the sleeping? It's the sleeping on an off day that's the worst. I just fucking can't, and I get weirdly paranoid about it, the constant self-questioning that occurs during a sober bedtime drives me insane. I've found that a few co-codamol help, especially if with a hard limit of a couple of cans of Stella or equivalent, but fucking Christ it is brutal trying to get to sleep otherwise. I was awake three days earlier this year at the end of a particularly intense and extended bender, full on rattling the whole time. Ugh.

I'm also starting to get panic attacks when I'm out in public without a drink in me during a binge period. I feel a wave of nausea and my heart rate goes through the roof if I feel I can't get somewhere on my own where other people can't see me and get my shit together. What the fuck.

I'll tell you what's more depressing than being in the same place than a year ago: being a lot worse. Fucking hell, at least when I was posting this >>2919 my drinking wasn't every night.
>> No. 4289 Anonymous
17th December 2011
Saturday 12:04 am
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I can't get to bed before about 2am most days and even then I normally lie there awake for hours just not doing anything. Shit sucks.
>> No. 4291 Anonymous
17th December 2011
Saturday 12:32 am
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When young I saw homeless people and wondered how they got there, now I know.
>> No. 4292 Anonymous
17th December 2011
Saturday 9:02 am
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Sleep is fucked on the first night off, the second is the absolute worst and only then does it slightly improve. The short answer is you don't cope, you make do.

Getting the mind to shut the fuck up and let me sleep is hard, though I find the nightmares worse. Without fail I'll wake up every hour or so because my brain conjured up another vision of goodness knows what.

Equally unconducive to a good night's rest is that I sweat like a stuck pig during those times. I have to flip my blanket a few times a night so one side can dry out a bit while I'm busy moistening up the other.

One way to minimise the effects is "tapering", which is more or less what you're doing already with your hard limit drinking: have some to take the edge of and reduce the amount over a few days. To the initiated: this only sounds simple, it's fucking hard to do.

> Fucking hell, at least when I was posting this >>2919 my drinking wasn't every night.
Welcome to my life. In some sense it has got worse: normally weekends were no different from other days, but recently more and more often I crack open the first beer on Friday night and wake up sometime around Monday morning, the interim filled with drink, pass out, wake up repeated a few times.
>> No. 4293 Anonymous
17th December 2011
Saturday 10:29 am
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> initiated
>> No. 4294 Anonymous
17th December 2011
Saturday 1:29 pm
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P.S.: I finally got the chance to watch Withnail & I. What an absolute masterpiece.
>> No. 4295 Anonymous
17th December 2011
Saturday 1:45 pm
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Not sure if you're being sarcastic or sincere, but yep. It really is that simple. All it takes is are some bad decisions couple with some bad luck spiced with a pinch of autism/mental instability, for some it takes even less. The only reason I'm not out on the streets is because twice now friends have come to the rescue and put me up while I sort myself out; I'm back in a place where I make a reasonable living and was able to pay back "rent" I owed them in full, which I'm disproportionally proud of, but if I hadn't had those friends… well, let's just say I have some sensible outdoor equipment not because I like hiking so much but because it might come in really handy at some point.
>> No. 4296 Anonymous
17th December 2011
Saturday 10:26 pm
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I like a drink more than your average person, but really chaps, how does it get to a stage of dependency?

Would you say you have underlying confidence, self-esteem or similar issues that you are using drinking as a crutch/anaesthetic for? Or is it just a genuine dependancy on alcohol for it's own sake? Im genuinely curious, I hope my post doesn't sound sarcastic or mocking.

I can empathise with your actual behaviour. I mean, I loathe spending more time sober than my job contractually requires. As soon as I get home the first thing I do is usually to grab a beer. Sometimes I drink a lot, sometimes I only have a few. I don't need to get plastered every night, I just need the warm comforting feeling of some kind of intoxication, to take away the bleakness of reality and let me relax. A lot of the time I'd rather get high; but when it comes to the hassle of accquisition, it's an easy choice between the Tesco 5 minutes away, and the hours of hassle finding and picking up some bud.

Having to spend time at home, alone, and sober whenever you have no choice can be pretty depressing. But I mean, apart from that niggling "Christ I'm bored shitless, why don't I have any drugs" at the back of my mind, life goes on. I stay up later and read a book or actually tidy up for a change, maybe, but it isn't the end of the world.

Where is the crossover point between my kind of behaviour, and that of debilitating alcoholism?
>> No. 4297 Anonymous
17th December 2011
Saturday 11:25 pm
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What's worse for your health, drinking 10 units in one night over a whole week (Saturday binge) or 20 units spaced out steadily over the week? I usually have a binge.
>> No. 4298 Anonymous
18th December 2011
Sunday 2:29 am
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> I like a drink more than your average person, but really chaps, how does it get to a stage of dependency?
Well, the rest of this thread should provide some examples of how it works, e.g. >>2253, >>2910, >>2913 etc.

> Would you say you have underlying confidence, self-esteem or similar issues that you are using drinking as a crutch/anaesthetic for?
Everyone likes to tell their story, so the answers you'll get to this question are likely to be exaggerated, distorted and otherwise untrue. Cause and effect get blurred as well. Are we this way because we drink or do we drink because we are this way?

> Having to spend time at home, alone, and sober whenever you have no choice can be pretty depressing.
Welcome. That feeling of intolerable sobriety is a warning sign. Stop now or forever hold your peace, as it were. You sound a lot like me, in fact: I'd rather get high, but getting weed is a chore where as booze can be had any time of day with ease.

> But I mean, apart from that niggling "Christ I'm bored shitless, why don't I have any drugs" at the back of my mind, life goes on.
Eventually you give up. Eventually it changes from "I should be doing something!" to "Why do I even bother?". That's where your initial question about mental issues comes back, I guess.

If you have specific questions, ask, I'll be happy to answer.
>> No. 4299 Anonymous
18th December 2011
Sunday 2:35 am
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Sounds like you're a fledgling alcoholic. Also stuff like:

>Would you say you have underlying confidence, self-esteem or similar issues that you are using drinking as a crutch/anaesthetic for? Or is it just a genuine dependancy on alcohol for it's own sake? Im genuinely curious, I hope my post doesn't sound sarcastic or mocking.

is a very obvious indication that you're trying to distance yourself from alcohol being a "problem". Be honest with yourself.
>> No. 4300 Anonymous
18th December 2011
Sunday 2:56 am
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Self medication is everyone's favourite excuse.
>> No. 4301 Anonymous
18th December 2011
Sunday 4:08 am
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It started for me when I was 20 or so. I'd be up for a drink but nobody else in the shared house was so I'd nail a few cans and watch a few movies on my own. Over the years that became an 8-pack and a couple of nights a week, to kill the boredom of work, which means that if you're getting fucked up with mates at the weekend it's four out of every seven nights spent intoxicated. It's a seamless drift into a nightly thing from there, especially if circumstances allow it to progress (single/living alone).

Of all the drugs I've enjoyed, having alcohol as the one that caught me out is still truly weird.

>As soon as I get home the first thing I do is usually to grab a beer.
Well, knock that on the head and have a clean week of work days and see what happens. Can you sleep? How strong is the itch after a few days?

You're exactly where I was a few years ago. Slippery slope mate, honestly - I could've written that post of yours word for word, every box gets a tick. What you don't know is that the next step fucks your head up like you wouldn't believe when you try and stop it. You don't sound as though you feel like a prisoner in your own head yet, and believe me, you don't ever want to. "Stop now or forever hold your peace", >>4298 couldn't have said it better.

>Would you say you have underlying confidence, self-esteem or similar issues that you are using drinking as a crutch/anaesthetic for?
I was a nerdy kid at school but never horribly picked on, I have a loving and supportive family and I wasn't fucked up by anything nasty as a youngster. I can't point to anything that justifies alcoholism.
>> No. 4302 Anonymous
18th December 2011
Sunday 3:09 pm
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>I can't point to anything that justifies alcoholism.

Because being drunk feels good?
>> No. 4303 Anonymous
18th December 2011
Sunday 4:14 pm
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Being an alcoholic doesn't feel good.
>> No. 4304 Anonymous
18th December 2011
Sunday 6:14 pm
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Cheers lads. I made that post for precisely those reasons; I can tell I might be on the edge of a very slippery slope. If you chaps are saying I should calm down a bit, you're probably right. I'll not be drinking tonight, I have music to be working on anyway so I brewed up a big pot of coffee when I got in.

But that's just the thing, as long as I'm occuppied with something else, I'm fine. All day at work I barely think about drinking, unless it's a particularly stressful day. It's just whenever I'm left with free time and nothing to distract me, I'd rather have some alcohol in my bloodstream to make it more enjoyable.

When do I need to be worried that this will intensify, and start affecting my day to day life as well?
>> No. 4305 Anonymous
19th December 2011
Monday 2:19 am
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>When do I need to be worried that this will intensify, and start affecting my day to day life as well?
Define "affecting your life" - it's a dangerously vague construct. The drink is affecting you right now (you wake up with a hangover and aren't as alert at work as you could be, it's probably damaging your liver, if it's beer then you're almost certainly putting on weight albeit slowly, etc) but you think it's ok. Your definition of "ok" shifts as the addiction gets stronger.

My advice, since you're obviously not going teetotal and realistically you're unlikely to quit drinking in the week altogether, would be to make a rule never to drink consecutive nights (possible exception made at the weekend depending on your social life - basically, no consecutive drinking-alone nights). I reckon that should be a maintainable balance between "I like a drink" and "I'm an alchy", but I had that idea many moons ago and obviously it didn't work out for me. It really is the consecutive drinking that fucks you, though (both mentally and physically).
>> No. 4312 Anonymous
19th December 2011
Monday 9:29 pm
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The good news is that you're worried. That means you're not thick in the head and you can see what's going on, but you may need some help realising it. What you're missing is the insight that the more you justify your drinking to yourself as OK, the more you lose control and, sadly, that's an insight far too many only get after it's too late because "that'll never happen to me".

For now, you're doing OK, but take >>4305 seriously. Never, ever, under any circumstances, drink on your own on two consecutive nights. I know I sound like a sourpuss, but that stage of justifying to yourself that it's OK, it's just this once, it's not regular, right? That's where it starts going wrong.

But there's no one moment where it happens. It's not the first time you make the exception. Or the second, or the third. Or the fourth. It'll just transition at some point. It's when you move from "I wouldn't mind a pint or five" to "Of course I want a pint or five".

Try and make drinking a conscious choice, rather than a default one. And I mean conscious.
>> No. 4370 Anonymous
7th January 2012
Saturday 2:30 pm
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Having passed out before midnight on new year's eve I decided to give kicking the habit another serious go. To go along with it I made a few more minor changes to my lifestyle: I now eat a light breakfast instead of starving until lunch and cook dinner rather than getting the same take-away day in and out. The first few days were as expected (horrid, sweaty, confused and irritable) and while the worst is over, sleep is still a problem. Apart from the constant vivid dreams and frequent nightmares about once a night I get caught in a maelstrom of despair. It seems to be getting slightly better, though, so in another few weeks… we'll see then.

Unsurprisingly, despite eating more I feel a bit hungry most of the time since now there're roughly 1000-1500kcal/day missing which booze used to provide, not to mention that booze fucks with one's blood sugar anyway (this might be a good point to also highlight another warning sign, by the way: waking up early after passing out, especially if it happens repeatedly. Alcohol can seriously drop your blood sugar which produces a panic response in your body to find some food).

So far so good, but now comes the real test: the weekend. I know I really, absolutely must not drink but every other fibre of my being is yearning for it. Monday can't come soon enough.
>> No. 4378 Anonymous
10th January 2012
Tuesday 5:20 pm
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I survived the weekend sober. This is good news.
>> No. 4481 Anonymous
28th January 2012
Saturday 9:37 pm
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Good lad. Any updates? It's been rather a while.
>> No. 4483 Anonymous
28th January 2012
Saturday 10:53 pm
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>another warning sign, by the way: waking up early after passing out, especially if it happens repeatedly.
Noted. Only happened once or thrice but I'll keep an eye out. Cheers mate.
>> No. 4484 Anonymous
28th January 2012
Saturday 11:31 pm
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Still dry (nearly a month now, woo), but it's getting harder. I'll start with the good news, though: sleeping is nearly back to normal now. I still have some trouble getting to sleep, but no longer wake up randomly and (provided I got enough sleep) actually feel somewhat refreshed in the morning. The constant desire to get pissed is gone but has been replaced by brush fires which flare up every now and then when something triggers them. I'm learning to recognise and deal with the ways I'd try to justify drinking ("Just the one", "But it's a special occasion", "It'll only be tonight", "You've been sober X days, it's under control so where's the harm" etc.). Again, so far so good.

The biggest problem at the moment is a bit of an odd one which I'd not heard of before and which thus hit me a bit unexpectedly: my mind's really starting to clear up and I was (and to a large extent still am) somewhat unprepared for that. While I was boozing it was easy to just plod along and ignore the vast majority of what was going around me, but now those comforting blinders are gone and it's putting me on edge. Some of the time it's not so bad, but near daily there are a few hours particularly towards the evening where it kicks into full gear and feels like I'm going a bit nuts. Everything seems bizarre, all these systems and networks everywhere, and my mind seems to be unable to just drop a subject once it's latched on to something. If this doesn't go away in a week or two I'll have to do something about it; so far, I'm considering either joining a gym so I have somewhere to go to keep busy or learning to meditate.

Another less psychedelic and rather more mundane problem is plain old boredom. Keeping myself busy is becoming a bit of a problem (my current circumstances aren't exactly conducive to starting a new hobby). I try and read a lot, but since I still can't concentrate too well for long periods that doesn't always work, there aren't any computer games which really captivate me at the moment and most movies don't really grab me any more either. If that doesn't improve by itself, the plan is to learn knitting as a kind of occupational therapy.

That out of the way, on to some practical aspects. I bought a small ring which I wear as a physical reminder to myself which, childish and superstitious though it feels, helps. "Don't have a first drink, then you won't have a tenth" as a phrase also helps. There is no booze in the house and when I go shopping I take the cash I need and leave cards behind so I can't just pick up a bottle on a whim.

Overall, I'm doing better than I'd hoped, but I have no illusions about the struggle still ahead. I fear that the more sobriety becomes routine rather than a novel thing the bigger the temptation to give up will get.
>> No. 4487 Anonymous
29th January 2012
Sunday 9:34 am
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Glad to hear you're doing well.

Concerned borderline alco ladm8 here. I've managed to cut back to sensible weekend and/or day off sessions, and it's really helping that I'm quite skint at the moment.

Stay strong brother!
>> No. 4488 Anonymous
29th January 2012
Sunday 9:49 am
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I've had the same mind-on-acid thing with cold turkey weed withdrawals. For me, it was always back to normal within 3 days.

I'd definitely recommend daily exercise, but as for meditation, you don't need to "learn", all you need to do is say "meh" every time the thoughts are too much. Like you find your mind racing and coming up with all sorts of ideas and conclusions (the most dangerous type of thought) then just say "Meh." and mentally stop till the thoughts clear.
>> No. 4489 Anonymous
29th January 2012
Sunday 12:51 pm
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> I've managed to cut back to sensible weekend and/or day off sessions, and it's really helping that I'm quite skint at the moment.
That's great and might be your first step in the right direction. However… there's no way of saying this without sounding like a projecting, condescending and holier-than-though dickhead, but I'll do it anyway: keep an eye on that. If you've identified that you have a problem with alcohol then those periods of moderating your intake have a tendency to become cyclical. You'll tone it down for a while, feel in charge and then drift back into problem drinking as you find more and more situations where it seems acceptable for you to drink. I know, I'm a party pooper, but having been in that situation myself a few times it's ringing a few alarm bells; do what you think is right for yourself, though. You know your own situation best.

It about 2 1/2 weeks in and hasn't gone away yet. Meditation will take some learning (or practice, at least); just willing it to calm down doesn't seem to work.
>> No. 4675 Anonymous
11th March 2012
Sunday 1:51 am
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Still sober. Some things have improved, some new problems have cropped up (I'll write a longer post with details if there's interest), but how are the other alcoholics here doing? I don't want to turn this into an AA board or rain on anyone's parade but we haven't had any posts from anyone (including OP, are you still around?) about this recently, so I thought I'd try and get the conversation going again.
>> No. 4676 Anonymous
11th March 2012
Sunday 5:34 am
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By all means talk about it lad. We're all nosey for a start, but we're here for advice too.

Things are going well for me as of late. I've managed to completely cut out my routine of getting home from work and drinking until I fall asleep, thanks to the attentions of a very special female. Regrettably it's somewhat long distance at the moment, but I think our plans to scrape up a future together have given me what I was missing before- that being a definite purpose and a goal. I think before, I drank sheerly to stop myself getting wrapped up in thoughts of how aimless my life seems to be; or more accurately, uncertain about acheiving the aims I DID have.

It's not all smooth going, but trying to focus on the positives. Wierdly I find myself really wishing I knew reliable people to buy weed off nowadays. At least when I craved alcohol I knew where to GET some.
>> No. 4678 Anonymous
11th March 2012
Sunday 5:05 pm
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The past few weeks have been very clean, with small amounts of booze on the weekend, and only with friends, never alone. It pleased me to discover that I can actually fall asleep without any alcohol in my system. Who would've thought, eh?

That said I'm having a mental fight right now about whether to start drinking the leftover beers in the fridge and fuck off my engagements tomorrow.
>> No. 4679 Anonymous
11th March 2012
Sunday 6:02 pm
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I'm having my 20th beer of the weekend right now, I've lost count to be honest. I've posted all my favourite tunes on face book and now I'm here typing bollocks into a computer.
>> No. 4680 Anonymous
11th March 2012
Sunday 11:34 pm
4680 spacer
I'm not sure I'm in a position to give advice; the process will be different for everyone and since this is only day 70 of my sobriety (albeit after years and years of addiction) I'm hardly an expert. I failed a few times in the past (and posted in this thread a few times prior to >>4370) but somehow this time is and feels different though the biggest disappointment in some ways is that I'm still not sure why. More on that later. If someone has specific questions, though, I'll be happy to answer to the best of my ability. I shouldn't have left it this late to reply as I'm a bit tired but I'll try and keep it structured: Mental, physical, and overall.

This has seen the biggest improvements but also has the biggest on going problems. On the positive side, my short term memory has improved quite a lot. I still get the odd moment where I have no idea what I was trying to do or what I was looking for one moment to the next, but it's becoming less and approaching a level that's probably normal. Long term memory is also getting better, as is concentration. For example, I can read a few dozen pages in one sitting now without completely forgetting where I started and without my head feeling like it's filled with mushy peas. The "mind on acid" problem hasn't gone away as such, but it's changed markedly and is now more of a general sense of wonder at the world. This is coupled with growing anger at myself, however, at how ignorant I am in many respects and how many years I've wasted focussing inwards — only on booze — instead of the world around me. All the years I could've spent learning more, experiencing more… but what's done is done (or so I tell myself) so I'd better focus my energy on making up for lost time instead of beating myself up about it.

Boredom, on the other hand, hasn't gone away and is proving trickier to deal with than anticipated as I developed something best described as a mild case of anhedonia. Anticipation in particular seems to be gone: often it feels like there's nothing I'd actually want to do even given the opportunity. I started going to comedy shows a once or twice a week (one of the perks of living in London… there's always something on) to get out of the house and to keep me entertained which helps, but I'll need more than that going forward.

The biggest problem at the moment, though, is something which it's difficult to talk about without coming across as a complete nutter. About once or twice a day I get episodes, seemingly without any particular trigger, where my mind detaches from reality and I sink into a violent fantasy of hurting someone. It's no one in particular and, in the fantasy, in response to a perceived wrong but it gets quite detailed and graphic. That wouldn't be so much of a problem as they only last about 20 seconds, but as mentioned I detach from reality while it goes on. Eyes close, teeth get clenched and I lose track of what's around me. A recent example would be walking down a "cross aisle" (do they have a name?) in a super market, an episode happened and when I surfaced again I'd walked the rest of the way down to the end of the shop with no recollection of doing so. Just to make it clear: I'm not a violent person and when dealing with people none of this comes through, but it's equal parts scary and inconvenient none the less.

I've lost nearly a stone in weight, mostly from my belly. A pair of jeans I couldn't comfortably fit into before now fits and I can close my belt an extra notch (nearly two) without trouble. If that levels off soon then that's good news, but much more and I need to really look into fixing my diet. Speaking of which, my diet's got worse again. I have a light breakfast (which good), lunch is much the same as ever but dinner has fallen apart, no small thanks to above mentioned anhedonia. Eating in the evening is becoming a chore as there's nothing I really want to eat despite being hungry. I can afford to eat pretty much whatever I'd want thanks to the money I'm saving on not buying booze but really can't be bothered. Generally, I either end up eating something dead easy (a tin of beans with a bit of pork chucked in eaten with a bit of bread is my current stand by), pre-made pizza or very occasionally some variation of pasta red. While I was drinking I'd usually just head to a near by take-away and grab something there which I'm purposely avoiding now, so it's not too much of a surprise that I'm struggling to get into a decent habit.

Despite that, I'm physically stronger. I commute by bicycle and shaved the run from 15-20 minutes to consistently 10-15 minutes without doing anything special and I no longer get as easily winded when climbing flights of stairs. It shows in a myriad other day to day tasks as well, from lugging laundry to the laundrette to carrying shopping home.

Sleep is a bit out of whack again, unfortunately. On the plus side I falling asleep isn't much of a problem and sleeping itself is restful and all that, but getting to bed at night is a bit of a problem as I don't feel tired. The solution there is probably to just work on a better rhythm and to put my foot down and stick to it.

Perhaps coincidentally, though, some skin issues have cropped up, namely crusty weeping skin behind my ears (I get enough vitamins for that not to be scurvy) and around my nose. The less said about that the better.

All in all I'm happy with the progress so far although there's still much to do. I had a few dreams about drinking (which is normal, apparently) but I'd be lying if I said I wasn't frequently tempted. There's an odd dichotomy going in my brain when I read bits in a book about drinking or otherwise hear about it where it sounds and feels like a really good idea on one level while on another I know with absolute certainty how it would end how it would make me feel the next morning. It probably won't go away any time soon, but it's not getting any harder just yet so there's some good news.

I spent enough weekends sober now to put a chink into the old habits so they no longer feel like a scary, nigh-insurmountable challenge. It's still the toughest time of the week, though, in particular Saturday nights and Sunday when there's little else to do.

One thing that's really starting to gnaw on me now, though, is that I'm uncertain why this time is different. It was easy to feel excited and heroic when I started, but that happened many times before; I really can't pin point what made me stick to it this time which annoys me. I use the excuse of a new years resolution when people ask, but that's really not it and true, that new years was a particularly low point but other instances prior to that were equally bad without that effect. I may have to just accept that it was "time", as unsatisfying as that feels in many ways.
>> No. 4681 Anonymous
12th March 2012
Monday 6:38 pm
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I wish I had more to say to this than well done lad, keep it up, as I think it deserves it.
>> No. 4685 Anonymous
16th March 2012
Friday 11:49 pm
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Thanks, anonymous posts like yours actually help a lot (which is as sad as it sounds). One continuous source of encouragement in the past actually actually was a certain web forum (it has nicknames, but might as well be anonymous); realistically, it's just an enormous circle jerk, but having that well of positive feedback available when needed was quite reassuring. I've kind of outgrown the community there now, but it set me on the right path.
>> No. 4686 Anonymous
17th March 2012
Saturday 12:28 am
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You're doing really well mate, it's just hard to find the right encouraging words.
>> No. 4690 Anonymous
19th March 2012
Monday 10:45 pm
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Genuinely interesting post. I think it's unusual for people to lose weight when giving up booze, isn't it? Certainly my dad piled on a few pounds after he went through it.
>> No. 4691 Anonymous
20th March 2012
Tuesday 1:20 pm
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I would've thought it makes sense. The term "beer gut" exists for a reason, putting on weight is for giving up smoking I thought.

That's an entirely different hurdle though. Despite knowing it's less healthy I'm nowhere near ready to give THAT up despite drastically cutting back the booze.


No worries lad. This thread is actually one of the best on here I reckon, it's great to see everyone helping each other out. Keep it up mate, you're an inspiration.
>> No. 4692 Anonymous
20th March 2012
Tuesday 1:37 pm
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>I would've thought it makes sense. The term "beer gut" exists for a reason, putting on weight is for giving up smoking I thought.
It is, but I was thinking more that people who successfully quit tend to replace alcohol with other rewards (chocolate etc).
>> No. 4693 Anonymous
21st March 2012
Wednesday 11:27 pm
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On a slightly similar note, I am experiencing the beginnings of amphetamine psychosis. Disassociation and other peculiar things (mild OEVs, paranoia, etc). It's not terribly pleasant. I've been taking the stuff 3 or 4 days a week to help me be awake for work. In the recent weeks where I'd run out, apart from sleeping a lot I've actually been a great deal more productive.

I've almost run out of the stuff any have no immediate sources for more, I'll be ok. I flushed 95% of my stash some time ago to avoid developing real problems.
>> No. 4694 Anonymous
23rd March 2012
Friday 3:11 pm
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Better knock that on the head right now lad.

Calm down, try and get good amounts of sleep each night >8 hours, treat yourself to some nice food and just try and relax as much as possible. If you need to, go and see your doctor and ask if you can get some time off work. Your health is far more important than any job and everyone will recognise this.

Also stop taking the drugs.
>> No. 4695 Anonymous
23rd March 2012
Friday 5:30 pm
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Thanks, but I really don't think it's going to be a lasting problem. I'm managing to sleep okay, only dosing on work days and in the mornings, with gradually smaller and smaller amounts. I estimate what I have left to be less than 1/4g.

Avoided tachycardia by a hairs breadth at the height of it, other than that the only problem is being generally less considerate of other's feelings and being a bit of an unpleasant prat. The other symptoms I can deal with.
I'm looking forward to being myself again.
>> No. 4696 Anonymous
23rd March 2012
Friday 5:31 pm
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Also yes drugs are bad.
>> No. 4782 Anonymous
21st April 2012
Saturday 3:55 am
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Not convinceed I'm an alcoholic but people around me have started calling me one, If I am I'm pretty sure I'm a 'high fuctioning alcoholic' In that I seem to be perfectly capible of holding down my office job, and I am riddilously active socialy.

That said I get my days where I'm forcing myself through a day at work despite a horrific hang over (before as regularly as once/twice a week) to the level of going off to the toilet to vomit a couple of times a day and vommiting to the level of bringing up bile and the vomit regularly containing blood.

I have no idea what my current average per week is, it regularly fluctuates now days, I remember telling a doctor a few years ago it being on average being 70 units of alcohol per week, Ive certainly had over 100 units in a week before.

Despite this I don't think I'm mentally addicted to alcohol, but more a compulsion to not be sobre, I have gone a year before quite comfortably without alcohol when I was on medication, although I ended up drinking minimum of 8 cans of red bull a day instead, although part of that was because my medication was a strong tranquilieser and it kept me from constantly feeling fatigued.

I think if anything my issue is that I'm a hedonist. I feel like my death impending and have to live life to the fullist and most active life I possibly can, and part of that is going out as regularly as I can and having the fullist nights I can, which involves drinking. I rarely drink alone. I didn't actually realise just how active I am until I had the flu recently and I had to observe just how much stuff I had to cancel on in what I would have called a pretty average week.
>> No. 4783 Anonymous
21st April 2012
Saturday 10:18 am
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>riddilously active socialy.
>I rarely drink alone.

Most alcoholics start out like this.

>'high fuctioning alcoholic' In that I seem to be perfectly capible of holding down my office job

And this.

>more a compulsion to not be sobre

So like...an addiction to not being sober?

>to the level of going off to the toilet to vomit a couple of times a day and vommiting to the level of bringing up bile and the vomit regularly containing blood.

Mate. Your organs are clearly not coping. If you're genuinely okay with the damage you're doing to yourself then fine, it's your body, but the fact that you're trying to justify your behaviour on here means that somewhere the idea that you have a problem with alcohol is probably niggling you. Your lifestyle isn't what I'd call normal in regards to alcohol consumption. If a friend told me they'd been vomiting blood and going to work hungover as often as you, I'd be worried.
>> No. 4784 Anonymous
21st April 2012
Saturday 10:27 am
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>vomit regularly containing blood.

This is a good sign that you're drinking yourself into a vitamin K deficiency. Tell a doctor.
>> No. 4785 Anonymous
21st April 2012
Saturday 1:58 pm
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>So like...an addiction to not being sober?

If you want to call it that for dramatic effect, yeah. Probably comes from a desire not to be alone with my thoughts, when left to my own devices I spiral into major depression, quite frankly going out and doing things constantly even with the drawbacks from alcohol feels much more healthy.

>The fact that you're trying to justify your behaviour on here means that somewhere the idea that you have a problem with alcohol is probably niggling you.

Thats seems like a false choice, either I admit I'm an alcoholic or I'm in denile about it.

I'm not going to lie, I wouldn't have bothered posting if I didn't have concerns. The vommit containing blood makes me uncomfortable, and I've been trying to explore ways of making myself not get that hungover when I drink.
>> No. 4786 Anonymous
21st April 2012
Saturday 2:08 pm
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>in denile
>> No. 4787 Anonymous
21st April 2012
Saturday 4:21 pm
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>I've been trying to explore ways of making myself not get that hungover when I drink.
Outside of the obvious "drink less", drink several pints of water before bed with a couple of aspirins. You will not believe the difference this makes in the morning.
>> No. 4788 Anonymous
21st April 2012
Saturday 5:13 pm
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And necking another pint of water when you get up for a piss, too.
But taking it a bit easier can't hurt, chap.
>> No. 4789 Anonymous
21st April 2012
Saturday 5:32 pm
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I'm not sure how old you are, but that will have an impact how well you can cope with your current lifestyle; just keep in mind that once you're past 25 or so your body becomes less capable and less capable to just take the kind of punishment your meting out to it. That's not meant to be scaremongering, just a possible explanation for why some of your problems like the puking might be getting worse over time.

> Probably comes from a desire not to be alone with my thoughts, when left to my own devices I spiral into major depression, quite frankly going out and doing things constantly even with the drawbacks from alcohol feels much more healthy.
A friend of mine, a (currently) ex-heavy drinker had much the same problem; long history of major depression (nearly bedridden at times because of it) and he combated it by forcing himself to be in company and drinking a lot (that's a very brief summary of the overall behaviour). Long story short, it took a few years of therapy to get his depression under control and the alcohol dependence went along with it. If you're using alcohol to self-medicate the problem, you may want to seriously consider seeking other help… it'll be healthier in the long run.

> I've been trying to explore ways of making myself not get that hungover when I drink.
Getting that hung over is a good sign in some ways. With full-blown "functional" (i.e. externally regulated) alcoholism you eventually settle into a balanced rhythm where you're just sort of miserable all the time. Beyond the advice above (water and aspirin) make sure you've got your B and K vitamins covered as well as potassium. Beyond that you need to learn to not overshoot your level of drunk: it takes a little time before alcohol you drink kicks in properly but many budding alcoholics do not take that into account properly. That's something which you learn through a lot of experience1, though whether that's something you want to learn…

(1I'm the ex-alkie who posted a few times above… for the last few years of my drinking I basically didn't get hungover any more because I'd nailed the amounts I'd need to drink)

> Thats seems like a false choice, either I admit I'm an alcoholic or I'm in denile about it.
Yep, that's one of those catch-22 problems which it is rather irritating to deal with. It comes up whenever you deal with alcoholism, so don't let that get you down… just keep in mind that it's based on a lot of experience by folks like the AA and similar organisations: when someone starts questioning how much they drink, identifies that it's probably no healthy and then continues to drink as before anyway then there usually is a problem. Whether alcohol is the cause or a symptom of that problem is another matter, of course.
>> No. 4792 Anonymous
22nd April 2012
Sunday 4:28 pm
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>you may want to seriously consider seeking other help… it'll be healthier in the long run.

I gave therapy a fair shot and it didn't seem to work for me

Was taught CBT I wasn't conviced, it seemed concerned with putting a possitive spin on everything rather than dealing with the truth of the situation, and I can't get behind that logic, sometimes things are just shitty and it has nothing to do with your outlook, or trying to find the positive edge doesn't really help the situation.

Equally have been on SSRIs and Mirtazapine. SSRIs didn't seem to do much for me apart from permanently rob me of my abblity to feel orgasums and emotional attachment to my enviroment, I knew that was a risk at the time so I accept that.

Mirtazapine definately helped mentally but I got really bad physical side effects that I don't really want to endure again, the best way of discribing it is it was like the day after you've done too much exercise and all your muscels hurt.

I wouldn't say I self medicate with drinking, if I know I'm feeling shitty I avoid drink, part of that is experiance and knowing that in the past it didn't help at all to drink alone if anything it was a way for me to encourage myself to feel shit, I'd say I self medicate by forcing myself to go out and be active so i'm distracted and that involves being in the enviroments where I drink. If you removed the drink from the days where I've been hung over at work I would still probably be physically exhaughsted, I think I would probably find my life a boring depressing experiance without going out regularly midweek.

>folks like the AA

The 12 step program bugs me a lot, it reads to me like a cult indoctrination exercise, I don't really care about what their twisted opinion is on anything.
>> No. 4793 Anonymous
22nd April 2012
Sunday 8:10 pm
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> The 12 step program bugs me a lot
Don't get spotting a problem confused with treating it; I'm no fan of the AA either (there's a reason I didn't use them) but they do get a few things right (the 12 step program being one of the things they don't, in my view).

Either way, you know yourself better than I do, so it's up to you to decide where the problem is. I'm happy to prattle on about what you might want to look out for but ultimately if you decide drinking is not the problem then nothing I or anyone else says will change that.
>> No. 4838 Anonymous
10th May 2012
Thursday 4:37 pm
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Jesus you fucking brits are weak as hell. You just quit, punk asses.
>> No. 4839 Anonymous
10th May 2012
Thursday 4:44 pm
4839 spacer
There there, lad.
>> No. 4842 Anonymous
14th May 2012
Monday 11:37 am
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Mate you're American, you've been drinking non-alcoholic beer your whole life.
>> No. 4858 Anonymous
16th May 2012
Wednesday 12:06 am
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tee hee
>> No. 5046 Anonymous
14th August 2012
Tuesday 10:08 pm
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This was me, and I've since sorted my shit out.

2011; not my best year.
>> No. 5047 Anonymous
14th August 2012
Tuesday 11:31 pm
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Not posted in this thread before ( that my poor mind can remember) but I did manage to kick the sauce a couple of months ago due to a terrible fever and sickness, for which the antibiotics were prescribed to treat gave me such a sense of peace that I almost didn't need booze to sleep. Amazing.

But here I am again, only 3 months later, drinking more than ever, 5kg regained (purely in beer, I imagine).

Oh, what a piece of work is a man!
>> No. 5061 Anonymous
17th August 2012
Friday 11:28 pm
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Seven months and counting, but fuck me sideways if it isn't getting harder every day. I was warned about this but I didn't quite realise it'd be this insidious: the more comfortable I get not drinking, the more I seemingly try and convince myself that I can safely start drinking again. I'm more or less resigned to the fact that come the one year sobriety anniversary I'll get pished (and probably stuck again)… if I even make it that far.

Bad vibes all around.
>> No. 5126 Anonymous
10th September 2012
Monday 8:22 pm
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Has anyone here gotten those nagging pains around the liver area or am I just specially, royally fucked?
>> No. 5147 Anonymous
23rd September 2012
Sunday 7:17 pm
5147 spacer
It's not a good sign and, if in doubt, get thee to thine GP to have it checked out. They may advise you to drink less but they will at least have a look regardless.

Failing that, get some vitamin supplements (especially A and E, though an extra shot of D, B1 and B12 doesn't hurt either). Alcohol messes around with how effectively you absorb certain nutrients so making sure they're in sufficient supply is a sensible thing to do — no need to go nuts, though, stick to the "one a day" or whatever guideline that's on the box.
>> No. 5177 Anonymous
8th October 2012
Monday 1:39 am
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I'm kind of worried i'm turning into too much of a lifestyle drinker. I work in a pub right, so I drink after every shift, and then if I'm not at work, I come in and have a few beers in the evening anyway. I'm not on the same level as you lads doing litres of spirits a day, and to be honest I'm more worried about getting fat than getting liver disease, but still. I feel incomplete and restless without at least 3 drinks before bed. Trouble is, I have a mate who is similar, but he's up to drinking like 8 strong polish beers every night, and I don't wanna be doing that day in day out out of compulsion rather than enjoyment. I guess it's the constant nature of the habit that worries me rather than the amount consumed in each sitting. I'm druink now, hence this post. Had 4 pints of fuller's ESB - man if you don't know about that stuff then shit, don't even call yourself a beer drinker - it's some fucking evil witches brew I tell you. It's only 5.5%abv, but 3 pints fucks you up, properly. I've had beers claiming to be 8%+ that have affected me far less. Seriously, next time you find a pub serving ESB, see how many pints it takes to hit you. Unless you're some alcoholic behemoth, you'll finish your second and be like "fuuuuuck, I'm feeling that already"
>> No. 5184 Anonymous
11th October 2012
Thursday 6:16 pm
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Something weird has just happened to me that suddenly and very sharply brought my drinking into focus after not really worrying about it since my last ultrasound over a year ago.

I went to my local off-licence, as usual, picked up my daily ration of lager, as usual, and as I was paying the new girl behind the counter turned around to ask her boss how much a 12-pack of my beer was. He said "Oh. To him it's 10 pounds." I don't know how long this has been going on or how much by, but apparently I am such a reliable customer at the place that I have been getting some sort of discount and I wasn't even aware of it. Occassionaly I buy a bottle of rum and they give me a discount on that but I thought that was just because I bought it so rarely that the profit they made on my beer was covering it.

I was thinking that it's probably only about 50p per sixpack or something but do I really drink that much that it's worth keeping me sweet? But then I started thinking that if I've bought 12 cans in there almost everyday for the past 7 years at a tenner a pop that works out at more than 25grand.

Then I started thinking that if I had put that money to one side instead of drinking it I could buy... but the only thing I could think of was large amounts of alcohol. And then it hit me, I don't want or need anything because I have alcohol. It was a little bit sad.

I always thought that, because I don't drink spirits (or even wine) habitually, I could never be an alcoholic but now I'm not so sure.

Are they very dull twinges and not "painful" in the traditional sense? If so you get used to them after a while and my doctor didn't seem overly concerned about them when I told him.
>> No. 5185 Anonymous
11th October 2012
Thursday 6:30 pm
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>Had 4 pints of fuller's ESB - man if you don't know about that stuff then shit, don't even call yourself a beer drinker

I'm glad this is universal, after 4 pints I'm weaving down the road, whereas I can happily knock back a dozen lesser lagers and not feel a thing. Plus it tastes fucking delicious!
>> No. 5188 Anonymous
14th October 2012
Sunday 10:20 am
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>I always thought that, because I don't drink spirits (or even wine) habitually, I could never be an alcoholic but now I'm not so sure.
I've never really understood this mentality. I remember a mate of mine got all concerned once because he saw a bottle of whisky in the bin. At the time he was drinking at least four pints a night, usually a lot more.

If you are drinking every night, and can't not drink every night, you're an alcoholic. It doesn't matter if you're drinking neat Everclear or tossing back pisswater lager; in some respects it's worse if you're the latter, because at least the spirits drinker can't be in denial about the nature of their consumption.

If you're drinking 12 cans a night, every night, you are unquestionably an alcoholic. Do the percentage conversion:
4% of 12x500ml of shit lager = 240ml of alcohol
38% of 700ml of Smirnoff = 266ml of alcohol
That's fuck all difference. More to the point, drinking that amount will almost certainly be causing you damage.
>> No. 5191 Anonymous
16th October 2012
Tuesday 12:46 am
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My lager of choice is 5% not 4. That means that I actually drink MORE on a normal night than on nights when I "smash it" and get rum instead of beer. I had never done the maths before but now I suddenly realise how completely and totally fucked I am. I seriously want to thank you because you have probably just saved my life, assuming I can quit.

My next question is obvious. Is there any drug, legal or extralegal, that does the same thing as alcohol but is not bad for the liver? I'm looking for a dissociative/depressant with a half-life of 3 hours or more and side-effects that do not manifest until the next morning that can be easily obtained and does not need to be snorted or injected also it must cost £20 or less for a fun evening of heavy consumption. What is it?
>> No. 5192 Anonymous
16th October 2012
Tuesday 1:06 am
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The other one to watch out for is larger cans. An 8-pack of most export lagers is usually 8x440ml = 3520ml. By comparison a Stella "La Grande Bier" or whatever it is, the pint can, is 568ml. 8 cans of that is 4544ml, which is a pretty substantial difference.

>My next question is obvious. Is there any drug, legal or extralegal, that does the same thing as alcohol but is not bad for the liver?
Nothing that gets you blotto comes without a price.
>> No. 5193 Anonymous
16th October 2012
Tuesday 1:10 am
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>> No. 5206 Anonymous
17th October 2012
Wednesday 12:53 am
5206 spacer
I can't wait 300 years for a fucking drink.
>> No. 5207 Anonymous
17th October 2012
Wednesday 3:46 am
5207 spacer

GHB / GBL. Seriously. And don't write it off as a date-rape drug.

Also an amazing side-effect of GHB is reduction of booze cravings.
>> No. 5220 Anonymous
20th October 2012
Saturday 8:18 pm
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I looked into it but apparently I've just missed the boat on gbl being easily obtainable from any DIY place. I'll still give it a shot but I'm kicking myself because I was definitely already in trouble with the booze before it was banned. I'm worried about buying/trying to buy it because, while I have an open mind, I'm worried that I would be assumed a date-rapist by others if I was looking for it but maybe I'm just overly worried about what other people think.

Having said that, my grandad, who was a local celebrity on account of his homebrewing, drank like a fish even after having two strokes and being diabetic, died peacefully in his sleep this morning at the age of 88 so maybe I won't give up the drink just yet. I'm toasting him anyway and see no reason to stop toasting him every single night for the next 40 years. I obviously have good genes.

He had this poem or some variant of it on a decorative plate in his kitchen since before I can remember:
The horse and mule live 30 years
And never knows of wines and beers
The goat and sheep at 20 die
Without a taste of scotch or rye.

The cow drinks water by the ton
And at 18 is mostly done.
The dog at 15 cashes in
Without the aid of rum or gin.

The modest, sober, bone-dry hen
Lays eggs for nogs and dies at 10.
But sinful, ginful, rum-soaked men
Survive three-score years and 10.

And some of us, though mighty few
Stay pickled 'til we're 92.
(he was only four years short which is quite good going).

whinge for crying about my grandad
>> No. 5221 Anonymous
21st October 2012
Sunday 12:47 am
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Not to dick around with you right now, but give booze to those animals every day and see how long they last. Saying your drinking isn't a problem because your granddad survived to 88 is like saying that asbestos isn't a problem because his loft was full of it. What doesn't kill you makes you stronger, eh? Go take a lungful of those microfibres and see. Chances are - not really. Yes, you may survive anyway, but that doesn't mean that what you are doing is healthy, and expecting your genes to protect you is daft and also missing the point: alcoholism is a problem because it makes life a miserable drudge, and robs you of all motivation and the interesting things you could be doing instead. Don't spend your days inside knocking back 12 cans of export strength lager a night, mate. No good will come of it.
>> No. 5229 Anonymous
22nd October 2012
Monday 10:18 pm
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>alcoholism is a problem FOR ME because it makes life a miserable drudge, and robs you of all motivation and the interesting things you could be doing instead.

I made a small but, I feel, important correction to your sentence.

Some people are happy slowly turning their livers into foie gras. We're here to support those who are trying to change, not judge those who live hedonistically.
>> No. 5230 Anonymous
22nd October 2012
Monday 10:45 pm
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I hear what you're saying, but the counterpoint is: find me a person who drinks a litre of vodka (or more) a day and is happy. You're right in that this is relative, we all have different limits and tolerances; some people have smack as their Sunday comedown for a decade and then drop it without thought when their life changes, others are hooked after the first encounter and it ruins their life. It's fair to say that most people who drink substantially and every day end up feeling pretty miserable, anyway - this isn't about my assumptions or judgements, it's a simple statement of fact. There will be exceptions, but they don't change my advice.
>> No. 5231 Anonymous
22nd October 2012
Monday 11:46 pm
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I drink 50-60cl daily, except weekends when I expect to at least double that.

I'm happy with my life, I have a family, a career and friends.

Do I meet your criteria for a counterpoint?
>> No. 5234 Anonymous
23rd October 2012
Tuesday 12:12 am
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You haven't said what it is that you drink 50-60cl of a day. Anyway, I think my post was pretty clear. If you're the exception then congratulations, and I have no quarrel with you either way.
>> No. 5235 Anonymous
23rd October 2012
Tuesday 12:53 am
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>find me a person who drinks a litre of vodka (or more) a day and is happy.
>I drink 50-60cl daily
I thought it was quite clear that I meant vodka.

>If you're the exception then congratulations, and I have no quarrel with you either way.
That's fine and I feel the same way, but I've just invalidated your counterpoint. You're right we all have different limits and tolerances, but unless you can cite studies and evidence to support your assertion that "most people who drink substantially and every day end up feeling pretty miserable" I think you should stick to what >>5229 said and offer your advice and support to those who are trying to change.
>> No. 5255 Anonymous
23rd October 2012
Tuesday 11:36 pm
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>unless you can cite studies and evidence
I don't doubt that there are studies that address the degenerative effects on the brain of chronic alcohol consumption, but if I found them, would you really read them? Well, either way, knock yourself out:


Let us all demand papers, of sufficient peer-reviewed academic rigour, to justify even the most obvious statements.

No, my evidence is circumstantial and wholly subjective, based on my own experiences and those of the many others around me who have drunk alcohol to various extents. Disagree as is your prerogative, but as a statement I absolutely stand by what you quoted. If you're drinking 50cl of vodka or more every day and are happy that's great and it's your life; we'll see where you are in another decade.

>I think you should stick to what >>5229 said and offer your advice and support to those who are trying to change.
I don't see how saying "I drink lots and I'M FINE!" is in any way advice or support to those who are trying to change.
>> No. 5256 Anonymous
24th October 2012
Wednesday 12:18 am
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>but if I found them, would you really read them?
Yes, I would. Half of those links aren't relevant.

Your search criteria are poorly defined too, we're not arguing about degenerative effects of chronic alcohol consumption on cognitive function, we're arguing about happiness.

>to justify even the most obvious statements.
Remember when it was obvious that the Earth was the centre of the universe?

>I don't see how saying "I drink lots and I'M FINE!" is in any way advice or support to those who are trying to change.
I never said I was trying to help people, I'm just here to tell you to mind your own business unless people ask for your help.

Look at your quote
>alcoholism is a problem because it makes life a miserable drudge, and robs you of all motivation and the interesting things you could be doing instead.
And now look at >>5229's amended version
>alcoholism is a problem FOR ME because it makes life a miserable drudge, and robs you of all motivation and the interesting things you could be doing instead.

Do you honestly not see the difference there? In the first one, you're preaching from your soapbox about how every alcoholic is wrong, and in the second you're offering your own subjective opinion on this very sensitive issue.

You then go on to say there are no happy alcoholics, which I pop up to dispute, then you say you didn't mean that there are NO happy alcoholics, but the MAJORITY aren't happy.

That's why I'm asking for a published work supporting you, not because I'm a pedantic uppity twat, (I am, but that doesn't matter) but because you're trying to crowbar your opinion into this thread with no regard for its validity.

In my opinion, not that it really matters, most alcoholics are happy as long as they can afford it, handle it, and enjoy the feeling.

Alcoholics who can't afford it usually don't last long before they end up in jail, the ones who can't handle it end up in hospital and the ones who don't like it stop doing it.
>> No. 5257 Anonymous
24th October 2012
Wednesday 12:32 am
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>most alcoholics are happy as long as they can afford it, handle it, and enjoy the feeling.
>the ones who don't like it stop doing it.
That is the most stunningly naive thing I've read on this board since its inception. Yes, the addicts tired of living a miserable life just... stop! The rest carry on having a great time.

>> No. 5258 Anonymous
24th October 2012
Wednesday 1:04 am
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That's not how addiction works.

You have to like something in the first place to continue doing it voluntarily long enough to get addicted.

If someone enjoys getting pissed every night, they don't just turn into an addict in a week. It takes time to develop physical and mental dependency.
>> No. 5260 Anonymous
24th October 2012
Wednesday 9:12 am
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Not him, but one of the sad things about addiction is that the behavior that leads up to it very rarely seems like a bad idea except in hindsight.

This is compounded in the case of alcohol because its ready availability and general acceptance means that you never really see an addiction coming. (I'm sure this point has been made in this thread before, but the posts seem to have been deleted).If I'd been smoking heroin, snorting coke or even hitting the benzos I would have been more careful - I've never had an addiction problem with any other drug I'd done exactly because I've always treated them with kid gloves.

Alcohol on the other hand is everywhere, all the time, and available in excess. Nights out on the lash with the lads can turn to lunchtime beers and from there to morning eye-openers with sickening alacrity. The common concept of an 'alcoholic' is such that most young people would never guess that it could apply to them, and yet all you really need to become an alcoholic is to enjoy the effects of alcohol and to have a period in your life, however short, where you just say "Fuck it".
>> No. 5261 Anonymous
24th October 2012
Wednesday 9:31 am
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Does anyone else find if they drink less than enough to have a real hangover, they can't get to sleep then wake up far too early and not be able to get back off?
Is that normal?
>> No. 5262 Anonymous
24th October 2012
Wednesday 10:34 am
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Trouble sleeping when you underdose (or quit) is a common problem; there are a few examples earlier on in the thread if you're interested. It's normal once you've reached a certain level of dependence or if you're in the middle of a longer (few days or more) binging session.
>> No. 5263 Anonymous
24th October 2012
Wednesday 10:37 am
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I'm fine if I've had nothing at all
>> No. 5264 Anonymous
24th October 2012
Wednesday 11:25 am
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I fell asleep on the sofa at about 10pm last night after a few beers, only to wake up at 1:15am. I never did get back to sleep. Another three beers spread out until about 4am or so and I was able to go back upstairs and doze fitfully until my alarm forced me out of bed.
>> No. 5266 Anonymous
24th October 2012
Wednesday 12:09 pm
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That changes things a bit, though the underlying reason is probably the same. Alcohol messes with your blood sugar and can cause it to drop quite significantly (hence you get food cravings when drunk despite just having consumed hundreds of calories in drink); apparently its quite similar to a mini-diabetic episode. The result is a stress response by your body which wakes you up and keeps you awake. Eating properly beforehand (i.e. eating properly all day long, not just cramming a kebab down yourself pre-pint) can help prevent this, dextroenergy tabs, lucozade or similarly products can help once its occurring.

The above is pseudo-scientific stuff I gleaned from "reading on the internet". It seemed to work as described for me, but please do take it with an appropriate pinch of salt.
>> No. 5267 Anonymous
24th October 2012
Wednesday 12:12 pm
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I thought I had eaten decently, but I'll take your word for it. It's a pain that makes me want to drink less often; that's not a problem.
>> No. 5268 Anonymous
24th October 2012
Wednesday 12:26 pm
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'stress response' sounds about right. I didn't eat all day yesterday, only in the evening and probably then not enough. I haven't really eaten much today yet either but I will pick up a bottle of lucozade or something similar and down a glass of that if I have problems again.
>> No. 5362 Anonymous
7th December 2012
Friday 2:37 pm
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This thread was a good read. I found it really helpful as a warning. I don't think I'll drink by myself any more, unless I'm testing my home-brew, that is. I'll try to give most of that away, anyhow.
>> No. 5522 Anonymous
2nd March 2013
Saturday 1:51 am
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Yes, they're only twinges but I've had some pretty awful withdrawal symptoms along with them at times since I'm a problem binge drinker. I'm rather scared to speak to my GP since I don't want to find out I've got cirrhosis or something.

I don't drink anymore, this experience has freaked me right out. I was generally feeling like the internal right side of my abdomen was 'heavier' and getting twinges in all the places that my liver occupies. Been two months now and I don't seem to have any symptoms, but I know liver damage can be silent until it's basically too late so alcohol has lost that relaxing, carefree appeal to me.
>> No. 5676 Anonymous
9th April 2013
Tuesday 9:52 pm
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Good on you for quitting. I wouldn't worry about any lasting damage now that you've stopped. I actually spent December in a rehab facility and got to know some people who were, for want of a better phrase, "real alcoholics". I broached our mutual problem of the liver twinges with some of them at the smoking shelter and was basically laughed at, apparently it's all normal for anyone steadily abusing alcohol over a long period and nothing to really worry about in the long-term. There was only one guy there who was actually dying from a fucked liver and he had been boozing since before my parents were born so relax. (I might be wrong here, please do not confuse this for actual medical advice. If you are concerned, see a doctor).

Congratulations on 3 months (assuming you are still sober). Keep it up.
>> No. 5773 Anonymous
7th May 2013
Tuesday 1:51 am
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One of the former posters here. (>>4782,>>4785>>4792)

Without trying to turn this into a sob story have most definitely turned into an alcoholic.

Had a few events happened that were a bit of a shock emotionally simultaniously, and just started drinking constantly partially as distraction, part out of self destruction. That was about a month ago. for the first week I was quite comfortably plowing through a 70cl bottle of spirit a day, I've cut down a lot since (average 10 units per day I think) and getting my life on track, but I am in the habbit of drinking first thing in the morning, and getting anxiety/ dizzy if I go too long without a drink (usally by the mid afternoon) (not sure if that is a chemical or psycological). Obviously I need to break this cycle, but I don't think it would be healthy to just cut out a substance my body obviously craves, I feel I need to slow down my pace gradually. Does anyone know anything about this? How fast is safe?

A plus is that I am no longer vomiting blood as I don't ever have the sudden abrupt endding of my drinking to experiance nausea.
>> No. 5780 Anonymous
8th May 2013
Wednesday 12:30 am
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>I am in the habbit of drinking first thing in the morning
That's the most obvious thing to deal with. Put it off until later in the day, aim for sunset, then reduce. You probably need it to sleep at this point so save it up for the knockout; you say you're doing 10 units so that's a bottle of strong wine/less than 35cl vodka. Then go without for a night with four co-codamol (for the codeine) at bedtime, or try a couple of beers along with.

Good luck.
>> No. 5795 Anonymous
14th May 2013
Tuesday 9:28 am
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OP here.

Several years on and I'm hardly drinking at all. A new found enthusiasm for exercise and new girlfriend who I'm intending on moving in with shortly have been positive effects on my life. I can't believe it was only 3 years ago since I was quite happily demolishing bottles of golden nectar.

If I have so much as 6 pints of a night these days I feel positively smashed. How times change.
>> No. 5796 Anonymous
14th May 2013
Tuesday 11:01 am
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Very happy to hear that.
>> No. 5797 Anonymous
14th May 2013
Tuesday 11:29 am
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Good on you lad, made me smile to read that.
>> No. 5851 Anonymous
4th July 2013
Thursday 3:35 am
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I've not eaten any solid food in three days and slept rough in a park tonight. Maybe it's time to call my GP, I can barely even move.
>> No. 5852 Anonymous
4th July 2013
Thursday 9:17 am
5852 spacer
That sounds like a smart plan.
>> No. 6244 Anonymous
10th October 2013
Thursday 8:05 pm
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Glad to hear it, but (sorry to be the Debbie Downer) just keep in mind that, once things become perhaps less pleasant, it's easy to fall back onto old habits. At least, that's how it worked for me: things went up, stopped drinking, then slowly started having the odd pint… and now I'm in a worse spot once more.

And my drink of choice is giving me the finger to boot.
>> No. 6269 Anonymous
20th October 2013
Sunday 7:49 am
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Well, for what it's worth I've just reread the thread and identified my posts in it, and a year later here I am sweating like a stuck pig on my sofa hugging a bottle of wine at 8am.

At least this year I can actually remember a number of days that I've gone without booze. That's a sort of achievement, right?
>> No. 6270 Anonymous
20th October 2013
Sunday 12:55 pm
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Sounds daft, and it isn't on the same level really, but I get the same thing with smoking.

I quit for 2 months, fancy a fag and then thats it.
This has happened about six times now.
>> No. 6314 Anonymous
15th November 2013
Friday 2:25 pm
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I'm in the same boat mate.
>> No. 6479 Anonymous
15th February 2014
Saturday 8:01 pm
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For the first time in a good few years, I'm actually able to look at a drink as something to look forward to, as a treat at the end of the week, rather than it feeling like a cycle that I need to start again, as soon as possible, once the hangover has worn off.

Feels good, man.
>> No. 6480 Anonymous
16th February 2014
Sunday 1:17 am
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I'm trying to go booze free for 2 weeks. I already failed after 2 days, although it was just 2 glasses of wine. It's a lot harder than i'd ever anticipated, but then I suppose one often dosen't realise what a hold a drug truly has on them until one tries to break free.
>> No. 6481 Anonymous
16th February 2014
Sunday 2:14 am
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Or do not.

There is no try.
>> No. 6482 Anonymous
16th February 2014
Sunday 2:46 am
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I've been alcohol free for around 2 and a half months. I wasn't that much of a heavy drinker compared to some of the other lads here (I'd get drunk 3-4 times a week, around 15-25 pints a week), but I decided to see if I'd feel any better physically/mentally if I stopped it altogether. I haven't noticed any difference and will probably start drinking again, when the mood strikes me.
>> No. 6509 Anonymous
9th March 2014
Sunday 10:57 pm
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This all depends on your age and general constitution, so it may not apply to you now. My drinking problem didn't really affect me physically until I hit around 25 (having started around 18) and having talked to others, it varies. There's also the chance that you're not a "problem drinker" yet — never compare quantities since the variables involve a lot more than that, including mental health and some genetic bad luck. Ok, all that preamble out of the way, here's what I wanted to say.

The improvements after you stop drinking are gradual, so it's very easy to miss. The reset that follows resuming "normal" drinking is anything but, and quite noticeable. The older you get and the deeper you get into addiction, the worse this becomes. My most recent effort, for example, was almost a year without booze and it took nearly 3 months before I realised that I could think more clearly, had lost some weight, didn't have random bruises and scratches on me which I'd taken for granted and suddenly realised that what I assumed was a normal state of affairs — being slightly hung over — was not, in fact, normal.

I wish you the best of luck. Many, many people have a healthy relationship with alcohol and you may just find you're one of them. But… keep an eye on it and knock it on its head the moment you think it's a problem.
>> No. 6510 Anonymous
9th March 2014
Sunday 11:07 pm
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I'm only 20 but I get terrible hangovers after drinking. Even a couple of beers are enough to make me wake up feeling slightly dehydrated. After more heavy sessions I can get recurring hangovers the next day (after no more drinking).

On the other hand I know quite a few people my age who claim they never get/have had hangovers.

I'd almost certainly feel better without drinking, particular with regards to getting better sleep. But on the other hand I'd certainly have less friends and no girlfriend without some sort of social lubrication. To me it's about stopping before you reach the tipping point of catastrophic instability in drinking volume.
>> No. 6523 Anonymous
14th March 2014
Friday 3:45 am
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It is the most shattering experience of a young man's life when one morning he awakes and quite reasonably says to himself, "I will never not be an addict."
>> No. 6524 Anonymous
14th March 2014
Friday 4:31 am
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That is pretty powerful.
>> No. 6976 Anonymous
9th November 2014
Sunday 1:40 am
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Resting actor, ey?

In the last five years I've gone from paying for my booze with JSA to earning dangerously close to 100K. Hooray for having met the exact right people at exactly the right time in my life. Nice problem to have? Fuck off. The major change in my life is that I can afford (secretly) to drink brand name bottles of spirits instead of the cheapest cider. Remind me, why is an alcoholic like me allowed this privilege?
>> No. 6977 Anonymous
9th November 2014
Sunday 1:50 am
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I went out last night and now I'm very hungover.
>> No. 6978 Anonymous
9th November 2014
Sunday 4:03 am
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The thing is, if you're drinking £20 bottles of wine for lunch (not with lunch) then you're not an alcoholic. If you're smashing a £60+ bottle of scotch per day, likewise. Everyone knows that alkies drink cheap cider and super-strength lager.

Sage for sarcastic parody.
>> No. 6981 Anonymous
9th November 2014
Sunday 6:07 am
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Are you saying if I only kill rich people, then it's not really murder..?
>> No. 6982 Anonymous
9th November 2014
Sunday 11:40 am
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Lad, what job are you doing to go from alky-dolescum to 100k
(where it's definitely OK to be an alky) in such a short time?
>> No. 6986 Anonymous
9th November 2014
Sunday 1:54 pm
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Drunkmod got a job doing adverts for Oak Furniture Warehouse.

I'll get my coat. And spill my pint on it.
>> No. 7046 Anonymous
19th November 2014
Wednesday 11:44 pm
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IT in London. (/emo/ ahead). I have a Comp Sci degree and a long history of using Linux and other Unixy systems. I'd previously worked for start ups (outside of London) and done what I think was a good job (with an uncanny knack of jumping ship before they went serious and profitable) but thanks to depression and alcoholism dropped off the map. Blah blah. Five years ago I lived in rural UK due to Reasons(TM) being unemployed and generally scrounging off the state with JSA, Housing Benefit, Tax benefits for the odd bits of temp work I did and really just a lot of feeling sorry for myself for about a year when an acquaintance of mine caught wind of that asked if I wanted a pretty menial job in London doing, essentially, retail counter work. It was something like 18k/year, but I was desperate (and struggling to feed my habit) and gave it a shot and that got me the foot in the door. It worked out quite well, I worked the counter and in the in between customer time wrote some code (shitty browser JS, node.js, some PHP, bits of python... typical hack work) to improve business operation. Through the grapevine discovered that another acquaintance was looking for a SysAdmin/SysOps-y kind of person in yet another start up (wage -> salary boost to around £40k/year with the usual EMI stock options), did well there despite my habit (it almost kind of helped as drinking was a big thing during company social occasions, so being able to put away the pints while everyone else was getting smashed...). Someone else I'd met during a LUG meet was making noises about them looking for an experienced "SRE" person with some knowledge of a certain type of cluster technology (hbase - which I had minimal knowledge of, but managed to blag the interview) and voilà: combined income of salary, RSU (from an established company, no more EMIs) guaranteed "bonuses" etc. add up to just under 100k/pa, likely to increase if I can somehow keep my mind clear enough to keep doing my job. Which, incidentally, is a part of the Big Data bubble, but at a company that moves slowly enough that they wouldn't cotton on to a tidal wave if it hit them square in the face, so hey. As long as I can turn up in the morning not reeking like a brewery and remain lucent enough to perform, I'll be golden.

As alluded to in my (severely drunken - I'm only somewhat tipsy right now) previous post: in those years I've met other perfectly capable people who, if they tried, could be where I am and better. It's purely by chance and upbringing that I met who I met and got the chances I got.
>> No. 7047 Anonymous
19th November 2014
Wednesday 11:53 pm
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Just to point one thing out, I don't drink during the day. I just knock back a pint or two spirits every night, so I can put up a pretty face during most of working hours.
>> No. 7048 Anonymous
20th November 2014
Thursday 12:43 am
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I can tell you that after knocking back a pint or two of spirits on sunday I've not been pulling anywhere near a pretty face since.

I prefer weed but hardly anyone I know around here tokes.
>> No. 7050 Anonymous
21st November 2014
Friday 1:14 am
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I work in an environment where turning up at 10am is considered "early", so I can make sure that I don't smell like a brewery. I'll have to admit, it's getting harder and harder as I get older to keep up the charade and if I go way over board I have to make up stories about legendary nights out. I have no illusions that in 5-10 years time (if I'm lucky) my body will no longer put up with the abuse I'm putting it through.

And yes, I too prefer weed. But one I'm an alcoholic and two I can't get a legal supply of weed (which sadly matters). The only time I didn't drink daily was when I spent two weeks in Amsterdam where I vaped twice. Were it legal here, I'm positive I'd be better off, hence I financially support RELEASE now that I can as well as being quietly active in local efforts towards legalisation.
>> No. 7051 Anonymous
21st November 2014
Friday 1:35 am
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> I work in an environment where turning up at 10am is considered "early", so I can make sure that I don't smell like a brewery.

This is actually tougher than it sounds. Beer stinks off you the next day but red wine and spirits don't as much. Shower well, brush your teeth three times, mouthwash, aftershave (a liberal dousing can mask a multitude of sins), make sure you drink plenty of water before you go in. I've also found Red Bull (or whatever imitation) hides the booze breath amazingly well. The last thing I used to do in my ritual before actually hitting the office in the morning was to pick up a bottle of water, two cans of Red Bull and some breath mints / chewing gum. One can down the hatch and one to stick on my desk when I arrive. FWIW, being a known Red Bull / coffee drinker can help mask your general distraction and shaky hands. Coffee breath also masks booze breath. (Who would've thought that being a professional alcoholic was such hard work).

What became the hardest thing for me eventually was the panic attacks (essentially alcohol withdrawal) that used to hit every day around lunchtime if I didn't get out and have a drink. At the time I worked at a bank in a rather Calvinist country (nothing like the boozy lunchtimes in the square mile) and if I'd been seen sneaking a lunchtime beer by anyone from the company I probably would've been for the high jump. I eventually ended up sinking half a bottle of wine most mornings for breakfast in an attempt to tide me through, and when that failed I ended up with a bunch of red wine miniatures in my inside jacket pocket, took up smoking (or pretended to) and necked a wee bottle every time I pretended to go out for a fag.

Looking back, being an alcoholic was a total fucking chore. Never again, please.
>> No. 7056 Anonymous
22nd November 2014
Saturday 12:05 pm
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How do you find the time for all this guff? I struggle to get in for 9 with a shower, all this hiding your alcoholism sounds really tedious.
>> No. 7057 Anonymous
22nd November 2014
Saturday 1:54 pm
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It's surprisingly self-sustaining. It becomes a motivation all by itself- In sober life you don't even have to think about such things, you just lay in bed 20 minutes past your alarm, contemplating how much you hate your job. The alcoholic, however, has several extra side quests to complete each morning, and throughout the day, that serve not to reinforce but in fact alleviate tedium.

I think I'll probably never be able to give up smoking for that reason alone. As pathetic as it sounds, the occasional challenge of finding a quiet spot to have a sly cig on a slow day, or running out of fags and making a dash to the shop on my lunch break, goes a good way toward eliminating that daily grind of routine.
>> No. 7328 Anonymous
20th April 2015
Monday 11:00 pm
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Another few months and a few things have changed: I stopped drinking almost entirely and started smoking instead.

A few months ago I was on business in Germany which I used as a change of scenery to substance switch. Instead of drinking I took 400-600mg of diphenhydramine which is available over the counter there to get myself to sleep. Some psychedelic side effects aside (which I was familiar with and able to handle, I would not recommend this to anyone who is prone to paranoia or has no experience with hallucinogenics) it was a painless transition. Over the course of the week I tapered that to around 100-150mg and withdrawal upon my return was minimal. This is also where I stared smoking, something I've done in the past and thought I was rid off but it seems I really just switched from booze to fags (on around 10-20/day at the moment). One of these days I'll have a chat with my GP about that.

Unfortunately, mind fogginess and disturbed sleep were still present and I'm struggling to feed myself properly thanks to a distinct lack of appetite.

The few hundred calories I used to get from booze have not been replaced. Breakfast isn't happening most days as I physically can't keep food down, lunch is small, dinner I often shovel in the carbs no doubt making sleep problems worse but overall I've lost nearly 1½ st. That technically puts me at a healthy-ish weight for the time being (pound shy of 12st at 5'11") but if the trend continues then that's not good news. I can't seem to find the motivation to eat more.

Around 3 weeks ago I started taking 200mg of modafinil in the mornings on weekdays to combat the fogginess which has been fantastic. No shakiness, no high, no racing mind just a subtle but to me very noticeable calm and collected clear mind most days. This too is something I should definitely discuss with my GP.

Sleeping was the biggest problem as I used to knock myself out via booze and I still haven't really found a way to wind down without it in the evening. As a result, I didn't normally get to sleep until 2-3am with nothing productive happening after around midnight; any attempt to go to bed before then just resulted in tossing and turning with my mind racing every which way but going nowhere. For the past two weeks I've attempted to combat this via CBD oil (~30mg CBD/night) which has had a positive impact in that I feel noticeably calmer, sleep better, can get myself into bed around 1am and have far fewer problems getting out of bed in the morning. Once again, this makes me wish I could get a legal supply of decent cannabis, i.e. something with balanced THC/CBD instead of the super high THC dreck that seems to be all that's sold on the streets.

Fixing sleep and nutrition should hopefully fix the mind problems in the long run so I should be able to ditch the modafinil at least.
>> No. 7329 Anonymous
21st April 2015
Tuesday 12:07 am
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> super high THC dreck
No offence to those who do appreciate the effects of THC, of course, just not exactly what I'm personally after as a daily routine.
>> No. 7330 Anonymous
21st April 2015
Tuesday 12:53 am
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>I took 400-600mg of diphenhydramine
Christ. That's one way of coming off booze, I suppose. Are such high doses safe, though?

Switching from alcoholism to a cigarette addiction is a pretty major step, anyway, so well done there.
>> No. 7331 Anonymous
21st April 2015
Tuesday 2:21 am
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Safe for me in this context. It won't kill you and it causes no long term physical damage over the short duration that I took it as far as I am aware. I'd also used it a handful of times recreationally in the past and thus had a rough idea of what dose to shoot for. Based on the horror stories some people report on erowid, that seems to be a good few hundred mg more than most, so definitely not safe for someone trying it for the first time.
>> No. 7590 Anonymous
12th July 2015
Sunday 10:03 am
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well shit.

people have been jokingly telling me I'm an alcoholic for a few years now and I always just assumed I'd be fine. My drinking definitely was close to being dangerous (thanks for nothing, Christopher Hitchens) at one point, but after I necked a full bottle of port (thanks for nothing, Charles Bukowski) and had to stumble home from the field I was in feeling like death I decided to stop getting absolutely wasted just for something to do.

but since then i've definitely felt that thirst can only something alcoholic can quench. i guess it's safe to assume that if I don't keep this in check it'll morph into dependence eventually, even if it's in five years time.
>> No. 7592 Anonymous
12th July 2015
Sunday 4:12 pm
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>but since then i've definitely felt that thirst can only something alcoholic can quench.

I hate to confirm that nagging voice at the back of your head that you're trying to run away from, lad, but it already sounds like dependence. I can't think of a healthy mentality where it should be a struggle not to drink, sorry.
>> No. 7593 Anonymous
12th July 2015
Sunday 8:22 pm
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I miss being underage, where booze was so much more of an effort to come by.
>> No. 7594 Anonymous
19th July 2015
Sunday 4:55 am
7594 spacer

So much for that attempt. Smoking (secretly) went up to around 15-20 fags a day, survived one business trip but the next meant I couldn't easily smoke while at the same time being "forced" to drink at lunches and dinners. I managed to not pick up smoking again when I got back and held out on drinking for nearly a month while also looking at a reasonable source of weed, no dice. To make matters worse, I've run out of CBD oil and neglected to get more and so nature took its course, I'd like to say, but truth is I failed myself and started drinking again. My tolerance has lowered, which I take as a good sign, but here we go again and I'm drinking daily until knock-out... provided I have enough booze to do so. Fortunately I have enough self control still to not stockpile too much. The result is this shite sleeping pattern though when I don't drink or have not enough to knock me out properly like tonight.

The bad news is that I can tell how much of a deleterious effect this is having on my brain now. I can't concentrate worth shit, I'm slurring my speech even when sober (so possible brain damage, yay) and I have episodes of strong feelings of impending doom coupled with impotent rage and rather violent intrusive thoughts (those aren't new, but have increased to problem levels).

Note to self: just stop. Stop. Stop now. And get help. Maybe I'll read this after I got some sleep and remember that it was me who wrote it.
>> No. 7595 Anonymous
19th July 2015
Sunday 2:56 pm
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> and I have episodes of strong feelings of impending doom coupled with impotent rage and rather violent intrusive thoughts

I don't know what levels you're drinking at, but that feeling of impending doom is often one of the many intermediary steps of withdrawal, which starts off as a hangover and ends up many years later as full-blown DTs.
>> No. 7596 Anonymous
19th July 2015
Sunday 3:02 pm
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Would you ever consider going to your GP? It sounds like you could do with talking to someone about this, mate. We are social creatures after all; getting help from others in times of hardship is what we do.
>> No. 7597 Anonymous
19th July 2015
Sunday 6:17 pm
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>> No. 7598 Anonymous
19th July 2015
Sunday 6:24 pm
7598 spacer
Delirium Tremens - the shakes.

>> No. 7599 Anonymous
19th July 2015
Sunday 11:54 pm
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Sounds like the classic Post-acute-withdrawal syndrome anxiety and manic depression to me. >>7594 those feelings you will experiance on and off for at least most of a month after your last drink of your binge period. And you will probably get them for a few days every time you drink more then you should, from now on.


GPs are litterally useless for this thing, by the time I was able to get any assistance with my drinking it was 2 months later and I had already got myself down to a level that they no longer considered necessary of attention. It's also absurdly difficult to get drugs for the withdrawl. If you don't want to be an alcoholic it is down to you, society won't help, if nothing else because the trappings of alcoholism are so common in our society no one realises that they are. And if you are open about it people will treat you like you are made of glass, whilst being oblivious to the less honest ones around them. The hypocracy is really quite incredible.
>> No. 7600 Anonymous
20th July 2015
Monday 12:18 am
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A friend cancelled on plans this evening because she was 'in one of those moods that I hate'. Texting her about it, she said that when she was abroad this past week "I had alcohol for the first time in five months. Not massive amounts- little and often but that could have disrupted my serotonin levels".

Furthermore "If I drink regularly and then stop, the few days after I get really panicking and paranoid". When I suggested this sounded like withdrawal, she was dismissive: "Anyway- I've been fine drinking in the past- it's just every now and then and it may not even be related. I've felt like this when I've not been drinking- it's just been easier to snap out of."

What does this sound like to you lads?
>> No. 7601 Anonymous
20th July 2015
Monday 12:37 am
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You already know exactly what it sounds like.
>> No. 7602 Anonymous
20th July 2015
Monday 12:50 am
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She sounds like she has been reading about alcoholism and finds it fascinating and thinks it might make her more interesting. "My serotonin levels" and not actually drunk for months, wtf?

I've drunk 65 plus units per week for the last fifteen years and have done some incredible work on it and seen aspects of life I wouldn't otherwise have known about. It will almost certainly kill me slightly prematurely but hey-ho.
>> No. 7604 Anonymous
20th July 2015
Monday 7:14 am
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She has anxiety disorder, that might be why she mentioned serotonin.
>> No. 7605 Anonymous
20th July 2015
Monday 1:09 pm
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>> No. 7674 Anonymous
1st September 2015
Tuesday 4:18 pm
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I've started drinking again on a daily basis after a year long dry spell. What's great is that the anhedonia is gone, replaced with emotional instability, When I'm drinking my mood is stable and upbeat. When I'm not I'm manic depressive with the depressive definitely the dominant of the two, even that feels like a welcome change of pace to the flatline I had become accustomed to. I'm expecting this to be just a phase whilst I get on top of what I'm doing with myself again, before I sober up. I've done the whole Constantly drunk thing and it's not worth it. I just wish there was some way to not be emotionally dead and not depressed at the same time.
>> No. 7716 Anonymous
29th September 2015
Tuesday 10:02 pm
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You and me both. Super unstable, random violence on my mind. Teeth gnashing and seconds of lost time in violent fantasy. None of that usual numbness, the erratic drinking I fell back into is nuts.

Did I say 100K? Why in the fucking fuck does good luck get piled up on me, it cannot last. 100k just about covers my RSUs plus bonus. The closest thing to solid food I had in the last 96h is a burrito and a block of cheese. If you can figure out how to contact the pantsu, maybe there's a job for you in Linux admin plus that current special flavour.
>> No. 7717 Anonymous
29th September 2015
Tuesday 10:10 pm
7717 spacer
P.S., I ordered more Modafinil. This should hopefully get me off the sauce again which is currently dosing up again. Ordered more Modafinil (I should've never dropped it) which should hopefully let me return to concentrating during the day and then sleep at night. I may try melatonin next.
>> No. 7718 Anonymous
29th September 2015
Tuesday 10:15 pm
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Have you tried not putting drugs into your body? They don't seem to be doing you much good m9.
>> No. 7719 Anonymous
29th September 2015
Tuesday 10:15 pm
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Are you intentionally pretending to be me? This is weird as fuck.
>> No. 7725 Anonymous
29th September 2015
Tuesday 10:47 pm
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Yes. I had one blissful year of abstinence about 4 years ago. By the end of it, though, I was gagging for something, anything, and defaulted to booze. I've been seeking out drugs ever since I could spell the word and I somehow doubt I'll come off them. Lucky me, I've kept of opioids, because I just know they're right up my alley.

I hope not, because if so... well, you know the downsides and no more needs to be said.
>> No. 7726 Anonymous
29th September 2015
Tuesday 11:14 pm
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The only difference is all the money you've been making. If you're willing to share we could just put it down to some sort of reality mishap and we can share the blame.
>> No. 7737 Anonymous
3rd October 2015
Saturday 1:30 pm
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> 100k just about covers my RSUs plus bonus.

No, it doesn't, not even close. Why do I exaggerate so when drunk? It's getting worse. Posts like the above (and writings elsewhere) come along usually after a couple of days of replacing solid food with booze. The next day was considerably worse, with a lot more psychotic grand standing (elsewhere online, fortunately) and other delusional behaviour. For better or for worse, the follow up of that was sufficient to give me a kick in the nuts and make another go of going sober. Modafinil's arrived yesterday, previously that helped let me get things done during the day and feel "the right" to be exhausted in the evening, which makes it easier to go to bed early, which leads to a clearer mind overall, which leads and just generally happy things.

Still on the fags, mind.
>> No. 7739 Anonymous
4th October 2015
Sunday 12:40 pm
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Forget about the cigs for now. Alcohol is a much bigger deal.

Good luck mate.
>> No. 7742 Anonymous
25th October 2015
Sunday 9:10 pm
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It didn't quite work out as planned. The initial bravado wore off very quickly and after only a couple of days I was back on the sauce. It once again came to a head with what I assume was high blood pressure, a foggy head minor trouble breathing and just generally feeling like a rotten bag of shite. Despite the above, I'm now one week sober, which required changing some habits.

The first big one was managing to go home without the routine stop at the shops to pick up a bottle of something. More than once in the past have I literally said out loud to myself "No, for fucks sake, don't" while turning towards the shops instead of the direct path home, but this time I resisted. With luck, that should get easier over time.

The second was doing a weekly shop yesterday also without buying booze. Thanks, Tesco, for putting offer displays all over the fucking shop. Shove your "festive spirit" up your arse, shouldn't you be hawking Halloween shite still?. The trick here was not to fall into the old "tomorrow's Sunday, no one will know!" trap, which I dodged. It was, however, more a case of getting away with it than it was of conviction winning through, so I'll have to keep an eye on that.

I'm really not looking forward to the inevitable social events coming up over the next couple of months.
>> No. 7743 Anonymous
25th October 2015
Sunday 11:03 pm
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I drink when I'm anxious because it makes me not anxious and I know that is probably fine in moderation, but I'm struggling to keep a lid on it.
>> No. 7744 Anonymous
26th October 2015
Monday 12:06 am
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Third day in a row picking up 8 tins at the corner shop and the new cashier asks "you don't drink all these on your own, right?". Mumbled some lie about housemates while wishing for the previous guys who never questioned my habit. I think I have a problem.
>> No. 7745 Anonymous
26th October 2015
Monday 12:14 pm
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>> No. 7746 Anonymous
26th October 2015
Monday 12:31 pm
7746 spacer

Well clearly you have a problem, you have some upstart cashier trying to engage with the lives of their customers like they don't understand the rules of our society.
>> No. 7747 Anonymous
26th October 2015
Monday 8:02 pm
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Just don't engage, they'll give up sooner or later. Unless you're living in a small enough place for rumors to travel it makes no difference and unless the cashier is a twerp they'll soon learn that friendly alkies are easy safe and steady revenue and treat you accordingly.
>> No. 7748 Anonymous
26th October 2015
Monday 10:28 pm
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Find another corner shop. I walked extra fix minutes to a different corner shop because the person who runs the one closest to me started getting too friendly and chatty.

Never ever get chatty and friendly with anyone you buy things from. It sets a precedent.
>> No. 7749 Anonymous
26th October 2015
Monday 10:37 pm
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>Never ever get chatty and friendly with anyone you buy things from. It sets a precedent.
Weed dealers are the worst for this.
>> No. 7750 Anonymous
26th October 2015
Monday 11:03 pm
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I used to hate the same thing with fags when I smoked - it wasn't so much that I was ashamed of smoking, more that I was so predictable.
>> No. 7807 Anonymous
14th January 2016
Thursday 12:46 pm
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I drank a whole bottle of Bells to myself over the course of yesterday. I need to stop doing this.
>> No. 7808 Anonymous
14th January 2016
Thursday 1:07 pm
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What was the motive for drinking the bottle of Bells? The reason behind these things is very telling of what to do to not do them.
>> No. 7809 Anonymous
14th January 2016
Thursday 1:42 pm
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I was thirsty.
>> No. 7810 Anonymous
14th January 2016
Thursday 5:22 pm
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Then all your problems can be solved with a glass of water.

>> No. 7811 Anonymous
15th January 2016
Friday 2:20 pm
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Given that the day in question was a Wednesday I would guess the reason was being unemployed.
>> No. 7812 Anonymous
15th January 2016
Friday 6:16 pm
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Who hasn't had a drink at work before?
>> No. 7813 Anonymous
15th January 2016
Friday 8:21 pm
7813 spacer
Well sure but 'a drink' != 'an entire bottle of whisky'.
>> No. 7814 Anonymous
16th January 2016
Saturday 3:02 am
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I know you're posting from /*/ but you could at least read the thread's first post before you reply. When you have a decent alcohol tolerance going on a bottle of whisky barely touches the sides, especially when you spread it out over an entire day.
>> No. 7864 Anonymous
4th February 2016
Thursday 8:59 pm
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I'm on my 4th bottle of Gin in as many days. With soda water it is just so moreish. Haven't eaten much.

The local Co-op is doing a deal on gin, soda water and lemons. I blame capitalism.
>> No. 7867 Anonymous
4th February 2016
Thursday 11:35 pm
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Is this deal at all Co-ops? Sainsbury's had some deals on gin recently but it was all sold out when I got there, some bastard clearly beat me to it.
>> No. 7871 Anonymous
5th February 2016
Friday 10:48 pm
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It's getting pretty bad.
I've started putting triples in bottles of coke and taking them to work with me again. I haven't done that since I was a teenlad.

Currently getting down 3 bottles of whiskey a week. I fucking hate my job and often get pissed at the end of the work day, on the weekend I drink and smoke like a fat alcohol powered locomotive.

When shit starts going sour as it has done over the last year I'm really fucking glad I don't have any mates or a girlfriend because I wouldn't want anyone to see me in a state, I don't give a shit at work, I'm not a danger to anyone apart from telling people on the phone to get fucked. it hasn't happened yet, but it might one day.
>> No. 7890 Anonymous
17th May 2016
Tuesday 7:24 am
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Just took my flatmate's bike on a 3-mile round-trip to the nearest 24-hour off-licence at 3am to grab a quick bottle of vodka after 17 weeks of sobriety.

Came in, drank it, now I'm getting ready for work and to maybe wash the taste out of my mouth with lager from somewhere along the way. (Don't worry, I don't drive or operate heavy machinery). How high are my chances of getting the sack?

By the way if I get the sack I'm homeless too but I probably won't come back for this computer because the desktop background is a picture my sister took of me lying in an ocean of Tesco lager cans the last time I fell off the wagon and I don't want to look at that picture ever again even if it means losing the only thing I own.

Cheers lads.
>> No. 7891 Anonymous
17th May 2016
Tuesday 11:34 am
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What triggered it?
>> No. 7898 Anonymous
30th May 2016
Monday 8:20 pm
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Going back about five or so years I had problems with alcohol, as in necking spirits just to be able to go outside.

I stopped with help and addressed some of the underlying issues, and I sometimes wonder if I could ever reintroduce drinking into my life in a more responsible and healthy way, but this thread has made me think, why risk it? The things I stand to gain by even trying are minuscule compared to the risks. So thanks, .gs. This thread will serve as a reminder.
>> No. 7899 Anonymous
31st May 2016
Tuesday 12:10 am
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I guess he got sacked and is homeless now.
>> No. 7900 Anonymous
1st June 2016
Wednesday 3:34 am
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Fear not. I got away with it and have continued to get away with it. Just as I have always gotten away with it and will continue to get away with it forever. Te salut mi amigos!
>> No. 7902 Anonymous
11th July 2016
Monday 10:03 pm
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OP >>2130 here.

Glad to see we're all still alive and kicking. Chin chin ladm8s.
>> No. 7903 Anonymous
11th July 2016
Monday 10:08 pm
7903 spacer
Just opened a beer for you.
>> No. 7904 Anonymous
11th July 2016
Monday 10:11 pm
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>> No. 7905 Anonymous
5th August 2016
Friday 4:11 am
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Well lads, today's the first time I actually thought I have a serious problem. I mean the term "high functioning alcoholic" has been tossed around but it's been working pretty well for me. However, today I was out in a city I'm familiar with, but was in unfamiliar places within it. Too much going on in my head. I debated getting some booze from this store near the metro for a bit to ease my mind but went across the way for a coffee instead. I lasted a good minute in line before saying "Fuck it." and marching back across to the store, getting a bottle, then going to the loos to down the majority of it. Then I went to a pub. Things were looking up after that and I bought a big bottle of rum to savour for other times Like now.

I've been aware I use alcohol as a crutch. Honestly I think it's been the thing that's kept me alive this long, oddly. People think I'm not being serious when I say things like "I'm surprised I'm still here, hahahaha". I really am. I am always wondering what the limit is on how much a person can take from life. And like everything else I used to distract myself before alcohol, I knew this had a time limit and eventually it'd stop working so well. I always figured it'd be sooner or later. Something would change. Well, looks like it's happening sooner now and I'm not sure what the outcome's going to be. It's fine though, however it goes.

>> No. 7906 Anonymous
5th August 2016
Friday 4:16 am
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Surprised that posted since I'm abroad. But * is the way apparently. Also apologies if it's disjointed. I feel like I had a lot more to say/explain but it's late and fuck it all I'll probably delete it later anyway. Take care lads.
>> No. 7907 Anonymous
6th August 2016
Saturday 3:57 am
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>I am always wondering what the limit is on how much a person can take from life.
I used to wonder that myself when I was tanking away every night. Now I'm not, I don't. I haven't replaced alcohol with anything more "enjoyable". Getting shitfaced is enjoyable; it's all the other stuff, like life, and health (both mental and physical), that gets in the way, that tend to make alcoholism a stressful, miserable existence.

I no longer spend my days wondering why I bother to carry on existing. I'll go out on a limb and suggest that that's a mindset borne of your current addiction.

Don't delete your post. You'll want to look back on it later, one way or another, trust me.
>> No. 7908 Anonymous
11th August 2016
Thursday 3:07 pm
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Got a wee bit too drunk yesterday and overstayed my welcome at a pub; woke up with bruises and scratches over my neck and a bit of a sprained ankle.

Too much booze and going out alone never end well for me, especially now that the results from regular weightlifting are starting to show and people think I'm an intimidating drunk. I need to re-learn my limits with alcohol.

>> No. 7909 Anonymous
2nd September 2016
Friday 12:04 pm
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For whatever reason I really liked this post and have found an excuse to browse back to it repeatedly over the last few weeks which have been quite eventful for me and seen an enormous increase in my own alcohol intake after a good couple of years on the trot of being quite a good boy. I don't know if it's because I can always see Clint Eastwood out of the corner of my eye or because the euphemism of "overstaying your welcome" particularly tickles me but I imagine you're really cool for some reason.

Just today I bunked off work and am now pretty certainly fired as a result and my mate who lives abroad now asked me why by text and I said "a wake and bake got slightly out of hand". Something about how I was distancing myself from it, as though I magically found myself drunk and high at 11am on a workday, made me want to come back to this post and enjoy it once again.

In general I feel I have learned a lot from this thread despite almost never posting in it. It has been a near-constant presence in my life for a good part of what I am now coming to accept is going to be a lifelong on-off struggle with the demon drink. Thanks guys. I'm raising a glass to every single one of you, even the guy who advised me to take up GHB when my granddad died, which was definitely not good advice as I learned the hard way.

Sage for WKD-brunch induced ramblings.
>> No. 7945 Anonymous
20th June 2017
Tuesday 9:14 pm
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Moved across the street from a garage that sells booze 24/7. Can see the fucker from my front door.
>> No. 7954 Anonymous
11th August 2017
Friday 11:56 pm
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Based on this post I too have been replaying >>7908 in my head for weeks. I now have visions of >>7908 waking up to the dawn light and emerging from a hedge he passed out in on the way home, standing up with a collection of leaves and twigs in his hair, covered in scratches and bruises and delivering Eastwood's line as he sets off.
>> No. 7956 Anonymous
20th August 2017
Sunday 11:38 pm
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Can't go two weeks without alcohol. I could if I were with myself. If I was out here with no one, it would be fine, there'd be no need. But people seem to make me.
>> No. 7957 Anonymous
20th August 2017
Sunday 11:49 pm
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Do you mean, literally two weeks? Because that doesn't sound so bad to me.
>> No. 7958 Anonymous
21st August 2017
Monday 12:24 pm
7958 spacer
Do you mean that you only drink socially due to peer pressure? Don't drink if you're uncomfortable about it. Next time you're out, order a soft drink, or to look like Jean Reno badass, a glass of milk. If your mates question you say you're just trying to cut down on your alcohol intake. If they aren't cunts they should leave it at that. If they don't, why be friends with cuts?
>> No. 7959 Anonymous
24th August 2017
Thursday 10:38 pm
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I mean being around people makes me drink. I don't fit in anywhere and it works out better, being alone. I had to hike 2 hours to buy some alcohol for where I am right now.

Well that's good at least.
>> No. 7962 Anonymous
1st September 2017
Friday 2:32 pm
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I hiked 3 hours for a bottle of whiskey, perhaps a new low. Today though I came to a realisation. I don't even want to drink that much anymore. I just want to stop hurting.
>> No. 7963 Anonymous
1st September 2017
Friday 3:00 pm
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Well I guess the obvious question is why do you hurt? and how do you stop that?
>> No. 7964 Anonymous
1st September 2017
Friday 4:06 pm
7964 spacer
>> No. 7965 Anonymous
1st September 2017
Friday 5:49 pm
7965 spacer

On the plus side, in my experience at least, this should be the beginning of the upswing for you. Once I realised that I wasn't having at fun at all drinking any more, and that I was only drinking to A) blot out deep emotional pain and B) to fend off fucking withdrawal symptoms, I was able to do as >>7963 suggests and start working towards dealing with my problems in a more constructive way.
>> No. 7966 Anonymous
1st September 2017
Friday 10:30 pm
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Drinking is boring again and I'm getting heartburn more often than not. Time for another break. It's easier to stay sober as autumn kicks in, and I can give the months catchy names like Sober September and No-Drink November,
>> No. 7967 Anonymous
2nd September 2017
Saturday 6:22 pm
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It's no fap September, m7. Good luck.
>> No. 7981 Anonymous
11th November 2017
Saturday 4:15 am
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Back on it after a good 8 months off. Had a few slips in the last few weeks but this is the first session where I've realised I'm fully "back". A word of advice, don't keep emergency booze in the house for emergencies. You are just making a provision with which to try and bargain with yourself later in a more fiendy state of mind and law of averages says it's bound to happen sooner or later. Like nuclear war. We're all; going to fucking die.
>> No. 7982 Anonymous
11th November 2017
Saturday 4:25 am
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The worst part is I just genuinely forgot I had a bottle under the sink or I'd definitely have done it before now. But can still trick myself into believing that having had it in the house all this time while sober is proof I have willpower after all and thus an excuse to reward myself by drinking it..?

It's getting to the point where talking about how this shit is evil isn't even an attempt to kid myself into being sensible anymore. I actually HAVE to quit drinking for real. But I'm still googling 24 hour off licences at 4am because a beer would be fucking amazing. Even after the best part of a litre of voddy it's what I actually need to really feel like I've come home.
>> No. 7997 Anonymous
15th December 2017
Friday 5:01 am
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Well, I done goofed. How did no one tell me I had to do a tax return and loose my fucking allowance once I move past 100k? I still can't believe how lucky I am, so I donate most of what I earn to homeless shelters (because YOLO, I'll be there soon) and quake streamers... because they remind me of happier times.

I thought I was rid of this bug bear, but as it happens I woke up around 2am barely sober (it was my birthday and I was alone, you understand) and squinted at my phone until it ran out of battery. Now I sit here comtemplating my choices.

So now... why am I here. How much do I have to fuck up for society to realise I'm a wrong'un?
>> No. 7998 Anonymous
15th December 2017
Friday 10:23 am
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Dunno, gimme your money.
>> No. 8008 Anonymous
15th December 2017
Friday 1:12 pm
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Earning between 100k and 130k is sort of miserable. You pay more tax than anyone else below or above you. I feel your pain.
>> No. 8012 Anonymous
15th December 2017
Friday 8:12 pm
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As a side note, where did you get your modafinil from and was it good? I've been looking for a decent place to order from lately but prices seem to increase quite a lot from place to place
>> No. 8013 Anonymous
15th December 2017
Friday 8:26 pm
8013 spacer
Not him and don't know what prices are good but unitedpharmacies-uk.md IME have been reliable at least.
>> No. 8014 Anonymous
15th December 2017
Friday 8:32 pm
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Never had a problem with these chaps: https://www.unitedpharmacies-uk.md/Modalert-Modafinil-200mg-10-Tablets-p-974.html
>> No. 8015 Anonymous
15th December 2017
Friday 9:04 pm
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Same. I think their shipping list is probably a who's-who of gs.
>> No. 8017 Anonymous
16th December 2017
Saturday 1:21 am
8017 spacer
How have you lads been paying? Seems they only accept bitcoin and wire transfer and I'd probably have to go with the latter, but are they reliable/safe enough?
>> No. 8018 Anonymous
16th December 2017
Saturday 8:19 am
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>> No. 8019 Anonymous
16th December 2017
Saturday 9:29 am
8019 spacer
Tried to order from them recently by card and got an email saying they don't accept it right now.
>> No. 8020 Anonymous
16th December 2017
Saturday 11:08 pm
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From ModafinilCat. They closed shop about a year ago, though.
>> No. 8021 Anonymous
17th December 2017
Sunday 1:06 am
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How long do they take to deliver?
>> No. 8022 Anonymous
17th December 2017
Sunday 12:17 pm
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About a week; comes from India or China. Their shipping fees are a bastard if you don't order a lot in one go.
>> No. 8033 Anonymous
23rd January 2018
Tuesday 10:58 pm
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Health is taking a hit. For the past couple of months I've once substituded what feels like half my calories for booze and I've gained some lovely belly girth (my old 34 stretch turned into 38s barely fitting) as well as red-face syndrome. Not just some rosacea but random beet red situations, usually after some kind of extremely minor exercise like bending over to put on shoes. Strange sleep patterns which are oddly enjoyable, can't sleep during the evening but when I wake up I can spend 5-10 9-minute snooze cycles drifting off into nearly lucid brief dreams. I feel bloated all the time, have fantasies of being hungry and procure a bunch of shitty food only to eat about a 1/4 of it before I feel sick and can't eat the rest.

This may be it. The final sign that my body's no longer up to it and it's time to stop.
>> No. 8034 Anonymous
23rd January 2018
Tuesday 11:03 pm
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>> No. 8035 Anonymous
25th January 2018
Thursday 2:35 pm
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My drinking has taken a huge dip after I switched to using weed to help me sleep instead. In the past week I think I've only had a couple drinks, nothing to excess. Using modafinil some days to keep me switched on and more productive too. Just thought I'd share.
>> No. 8036 Anonymous
26th January 2018
Friday 2:53 am
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Yeah, weed helped for a while but I discovered I just fucking hate being on this planet so in the end I used the double whammy of booze and weed to knock me even more unconscious.
>> No. 8037 Anonymous
28th January 2018
Sunday 11:22 am
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Weed really isn't helpful to anyone who suffers anxiety/depression. Especially not the sort of stuff grown in the UK. We've entirety forgotten what a nice relaxing indica strain is, it's all that bullshit skunk that makes you think the DHL bloke might be an MI5 agent.
>> No. 8038 Anonymous
28th January 2018
Sunday 8:44 pm
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This has not been my experience.
>> No. 8040 Anonymous
30th January 2018
Tuesday 6:58 pm
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>skunk makes you think the DHL bloke might be an MI5 agent

Does it really do this though, or is it a predeliction of the persona using it?

>> No. 8041 Anonymous
30th January 2018
Tuesday 7:32 pm
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The advice is all out there since the rise of medicinal use around the world. I'm sure personality plays a part but none of what's popular here would EVER be recommended for someone with anxiety. The relationship between spice and the real thing has flipped so the aim is for something more like a legal high and not the other way around.
>> No. 8057 Anonymous
9th February 2018
Friday 11:08 pm
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I just re-read the entire thread and it's a trip down memory lane as well as a reminder for how long I've been at this. Annoyingly, I can only almost tell which were my posts. Short term memory loss I'm used to, but this long term memory loss? A close friend recently tried to remind me of events that happened 20 years ago... I have no memory of them.

In general, memory has gone to the dogs. The more I try to think back, the more I realise that I just don't remember. There are flashes of memory, but I can't nail them down.

The annoying thing is that I had pithy ending to this post in my mind but by the time I'd typed it I'd lost what I meant to say and couldn't recollect what it was.
>> No. 8058 Anonymous
9th February 2018
Friday 11:13 pm
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In /map/ there's an example of me answering my own question from years before before slowly realising it was fucking me.
>> No. 8059 Anonymous
9th February 2018
Friday 11:24 pm
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It's not a competition. I would be fucking embarrased if I had to own up to my uhu and eco posts.
>> No. 8060 Anonymous
13th February 2018
Tuesday 1:28 am
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And reading this back I'm embarrassed that I wrote such an antagonistic post when this thread has been mostly suppportive. Sorry chap.
>> No. 8061 Anonymous
13th February 2018
Tuesday 8:35 am
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Currently taking care of 3 people with ARBD at work, very similar to dementia, and it is somewhat of a wake up call. It's pretty shit lads.
>> No. 8062 Anonymous
13th February 2018
Tuesday 8:47 pm
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We've all done it.
>> No. 8063 Anonymous
14th February 2018
Wednesday 6:52 pm
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Never posted in this thread, never even looked at it, I just keep seeing Richard E Grant's grin popping up in star. What do you even do in here? 'Yeah I'm drunk tonight lads'. Is that it or is there more to it? Is it like a recovery support group?
>> No. 8064 Anonymous
14th February 2018
Wednesday 9:24 pm
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We've gone on holiday by mistake.
>> No. 8065 Anonymous
15th February 2018
Thursday 2:15 am
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All of the above.
>> No. 8066 Anonymous
20th February 2018
Tuesday 4:52 pm
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yeah I'm drunk this afternoon lads.
>> No. 8067 Anonymous
21st February 2018
Wednesday 12:26 am
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You may be used to alcohol as a social drug, but at the fringes it's very isolating as it blocks meaningful relationships. So we seek alternatives. For me, message boards are undeniable records of what I said (unless I forget even my own writing style) without the embarrassment of harassing fleeting acquaintances.

It's not a recovery group, that involves a plan to stop. It's finding a connection with people experiencing the same misery as oneself and, in that, finding solace that one is not alone in it.
>> No. 8068 Anonymous
21st February 2018
Wednesday 1:40 am
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You might also be interested in https://www.reddit.com/r/cripplingalcoholism/
>> No. 8069 Anonymous
21st February 2018
Wednesday 11:02 pm
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We don't have crippling alcoholism, we're multimillionaires. We'll buy that place and have it knocked down.
>> No. 8070 Anonymous
21st February 2018
Wednesday 11:31 pm
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The trouble is that you have to climb to ever rarefied atmospheres to find people who share your same level of misery, until you're up alone in space. That's why I prefer casual conversation among fellow drunks instead of the too self-aware whining on the subreddit that was just posted.
>> No. 8071 Anonymous
22nd February 2018
Thursday 12:20 am
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Install a fucking jukebox, liven those stiffs up a bit.
>> No. 8072 Anonymous
22nd February 2018
Thursday 1:16 am
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Been there, with a few personas. That subreddit is great and I will never disavow it. It teaches you that you are not alone, not unique, not special. And that is great! Does't help you stop. mind.
>> No. 8073 Anonymous
1st March 2018
Thursday 11:32 am
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Naltrexone is really good for alcohol it takes away the power of the thought of drinking, so to speak. It feels like there is no craving. Then in a few days there are no thoughts of drinking
>> No. 8074 Anonymous
1st March 2018
Thursday 1:06 pm
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>> No. 8075 Anonymous
15th March 2018
Thursday 3:50 am
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What fuckery is this? Four years to the actual day. Can it be a coincidence or have my thoughts been drawn to this post by some kind of Stanislav-Grof-ian imperative?

When I first wrote this post I'll admit it was all glibness, gallows humour, "yes one day we're all going to die, ha ha". And hey, we may all know it but we rarely truly accept it, and like I may have known that I was technically an addict I never thought I'd be here where I am now, four years later.

So here I am again, at the place where I always end up; at the addicts' crossroads. Do or not do, do or die, sink or swim, go around again, the cycle spins and lands on ...

Way back when, when I was young and Brian Molko was at the peak of his abilities, man he could throw a lyric together. I still remember putting the actual physical CD of Placebo's debut album into my top-loading double cassette Hi-Fi system (from Argos, natch) and hearing for the first time: " Glass of petrol, vodka, gin / It feels like breathing methane / Throw yourself from skin to skin / And still it doesn't dull the pain "

To teenage little me it was like a match to touch-paper. I felt electrified. Animated in a way that I still cannot and probably wouldn't explain. He was right, too. Skin is skin and sex is sex but for all that modern popular culture might tell you, you can't really fuck the pain away, or at least not for long. Alcohol though, other drugs, oh yeah they dull the pain alright. For a while longer than casual sex at least. La petite mort, vraiment, est trop petite.

Later, despite the majority of his output being utter tosh, Molko still managed to crank out the odd decent lyric. " Days before you came / Thunderbolts and lightning / Each day a brand new vein / Each tourniquet colliding" from Black Market Music still turns my guts fifteen years later. Ok so maybe it's not exactly high poetry, but it speaks enough about love, and grief, and drugs, and dependence, and how we attempt to fill the void of one with the other. It resonates.

These days of course Molko is a dead talent. Clean from smack, father to a surrogate baby, whining morosely on his latest album about having too many facebook friends. Never doing gigs any more, especially not ones in packed out student union halls where you could almost reach right out and beg the bastard to bum you right there and then, but rather riding the European mega-festival circuit where no one really knows any of the bands on the poster but just go because three days in a field doing pills and being away from your parents is like, cool, right? Right, sure, ok, whatever.

Somewhere just before the fall, amongst an otherwise awful Battle for the sun, Molko had one last sudden final flash of lunatic shrewdness before the darkness closed in and wrote the following for the track "Julien":

" Fallen angels in the night / And every one is barred from Heaven / Just one more hit to make it right / But every one turns into seven "

Never has a truer, simpler, more concise explanation of the mechanism of addiction been given, before or since. Even Billy "Lee" Burroughs in his seminal 1953 work managed, although his book is by far the best (or one of the top two or three) description of and criticism of the treatment of addiction ever written, managed to sum things up in quite such a perfect way.

So here I am again, at the place where I always end up; at the addicts' crossroads. Do or not do, do or die, sink or swim, go around again, the cycle spins and lands on ...

I wake up, I feel like shit. I drink and take enough to feel fixed. To feel alright. But then I feel OK, and hey what will another beer or four hurt, another valium or two, another 2mg alprazolam bar, and then - finally - I feel good again. Then...

I wake up, I feel like shit. I drink and take enough to feel fixed. To feel alright. But then I feel OK, and hey what will another beer or four hurt, another valium or two, another 2mg alprazolam bar, and then...

...here I am again, at the place where I always end up; at the addicts' crossroads. Don't get me wrong, I've been here before. Time and time again. But every time I get here, and the sedative pills call down from their hiding place on the topmost shelf, and the beer calls out from the 24 hour garage, I realise again how much more of my life I've wasted sitting and spinning around and around in this cycle of start/stop/start/stop/start.

So I sit here and I type and I think and I wonder. The pills and the beer call to me, and I think about the guy who started Judo when I was already ten years deep. Got his 1st Dan last year while I'm stuck at the 2nd Kyu I got three years ago. The people who started BJJ with me back in the early 00's, all black belts now while I'm sat spinning my wheels at blue after fifteen fucking years because for every month I train I spend two months sitting sick and depressed in bed, passed out for 18 hours at a time and working for 36 to make up for it.

So here I am again, at the place where I always end up; at the addicts' crossroads. And every time I get back here I've lost a little more time, I've got a little less left to give. A little less fight in me to break the cycle. Thirty-five this time. Literally middle aged. This is it. For as many times as I've crossed this crossroads, gone left, gone right, found myself back at the same damn place again, I feel like this is manifestly the last time. Not the last time, the last chance. I'll find myself here again, maybe, if I'm damned for good.

Tomorrow I have appointments with a psychiatrist (second attempt at a new doctor, I gave up on the first after too many SSRIs) and a psychologist (a fifth (I think) attempt at a second appointment with the same one, who I liked). This is it, the final choice. Make it to those appointments tomorrow, make a change, one day at a time, cry, scream, moan, rip, tear, and fight your way through withdrawals and back into whatever used to be normal twenty years ago or fall forever into the left hand path, the early grave and a life less lived. Forever cycling round the addicts' crossroads.

It should be an easy choice to make. Except those pills and those beers are still calling, and to be honest I don't know if I care enough any more to make a choice either way.
>> No. 8078 Anonymous
21st April 2018
Saturday 5:35 pm
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Last night I blacked out in the front of an Uber and the driver thought it'd be a good idea to wake up my grabbing my wrist instead of shaking my shoulder or knee. Long story short, blacked out as I was, the Judo/BJJ kicked in and a broke his arm in two places. I then fell over 15-20 times between his car and my house. A distance of maybe five yards.

Is this rock bottom yet?
>> No. 8079 Anonymous
21st April 2018
Saturday 5:37 pm
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Did a quick roadside x-ray did you?
>> No. 8080 Anonymous
21st April 2018
Saturday 5:47 pm
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Presumably he's writing this from his cell, unless Uber and their drivers don't press assault charges to people easily identifiable by their app.
>> No. 8081 Anonymous
21st April 2018
Saturday 6:08 pm
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I've been doing judo for 14 years, bjj for 13. I know what sound a bone makes whet it breaks I also know what a dislocating elbow capsule, and a spiral metacarpal fracture sound and feel like.

All he has on my uber profile is a fake name and a registered credit card issues by a bank in a different country. We may also have been using my wife's uber account. In which case good luck.

I may or may not hear from th popo but it's his word against mine, chances are he's got a criminal record (most uber drivers here do, they don't get a job because they have criminal records longer than my arm) and anyway I'm pally with the cops because I do a lot of Judo and BJJ with them.

Worst case scenario and he can prove I assaulted him, when he touched my arm first, my solicitor offers his solicitor $R10000 to make it all go away. That's like 10 minimum salaries. And if he really wants to push charges them I know some cops who have a little side earner putting bullets in people then planting a gun and crack on them.
>> No. 8082 Anonymous
21st April 2018
Saturday 6:51 pm
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Oooh, you're hard.
>> No. 8083 Anonymous
21st April 2018
Saturday 7:37 pm
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I'm not "hard". I'm just a multiple substance abuse syndrome sufferer who just happens to have practiced combat sports for nearly 15 years. I tried boxing,and discovered that if you punch me in the face I turn my back and turn into a 12 year old.

I'm definitely not "hard", it's just that 15 years of doing hard combat sports educates you what breaking bones sound and feel like, both other peoples' and your own.
>> No. 8085 Anonymous
29th April 2018
Sunday 7:22 pm
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The pretty one behind the counter at my local Turkish supermarket just asked me why I drink so much, with genuine concern in her eyes, as I breezed past to grab my fourth 12-pack of the weekend. I told her not to worry. She smiled. I'm in love, or I would be if I gave a fuck about anything other than listening to nu metal covers of clsssic rock tracks in the dark with a sea of empty cans around me.
>> No. 8086 Anonymous
29th April 2018
Sunday 10:54 pm
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Turkish women are beautiful! She could be the light at the end of the tunnel, chaplad.
>> No. 8087 Anonymous
5th May 2018
Saturday 4:38 am
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So you know the weekend is starting off well when your AA sponsor phones you up at 4 in the morning crying, pissed, and telling you she can't be your sponsor any more because she's started drinking again after six years.

You know it's starting wonderfully when you have to talk her down and tell her that YOU are not letting her walk away from you. She can fall down, we all fall down, but we both help each other up.

What's worse is that she's driving me somewhere at 2pm tomorrow. I hope to fuck she's sobered up and not drinking a coke can full of red wine like I used to at work.
>> No. 8088 Anonymous
5th May 2018
Saturday 5:08 am
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What puts the cherry on the cake was I chatting up a 22 year old lass who's only town until next Friday on Tinder when I took the emergency call. During that half hour of talking my own pissed AA sponsor down off her own metaphorical ledge she sent me about 20 tinder messages and then either apparently my ear unmatched her or she got bored waiting for me to go round and shag her and unmatched me. Her loss, where there's a credit card there's an 18 year old with unpaid student loan debt.
>> No. 8089 Anonymous
5th May 2018
Saturday 9:55 pm
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AA sponsor totally relapsed and drank all night and all morning despite her promissing to tip it down the sink and go to bed. She has my number in case she needs to talk to someone. If she does the only reason I'm not going to try to shag her is because she's a lesbian. And probably hasn't had a bath or shower since she relapsed on Thursday.


What the Good Lord taketh the Good Lord giveth right back when thou art righteous; and thus verily I already have a confirmed date for 11pm with a right dirty chubby little 23 year old (I haven't shagged a 23 year old in twelve years. I might mention that to her while fucking her from behind) who asked if I wanted to meet in a bar or just go straight to hers.

Yeah yeah, in before I wake up in a bathtub full of ice with just one kidney. It's not like there's a sedative cocktail that can actually knock me out any more though. Lord forbid I ever need surgery.
>> No. 8090 Anonymous
5th May 2018
Saturday 11:00 pm
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I don't have a lot of experience with alcoholism but it sounds to me like she needs to check herself into a fucking rehab clinic or something, if she doesn't live with anyone that can keep an eye on her.
>> No. 8091 Anonymous
6th May 2018
Sunday 12:18 am
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I've struggled with alcoholism for years. I've never posted in this thread before, because in typical "yeah, but I'm not THAT bad" fashion I thought I didn't need to, but I've been setting a bourbon glass on the worktop the last few months for after dinner and regularly finishing the bottle. I have been trying to "cut down" but it's not working.

One leads to two leads to falling asleep in the bath with a glass in my hand.
>> No. 8092 Anonymous
6th May 2018
Sunday 3:05 am
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Unfortunately, that's not really available for everyone, or else we wouldn't have hundreds (thousands?) of homeless alcoholics across the UK.

Poor girl was sober for six years before she broke. I don't know why I chose her as my sponsor but I don't think I've ever felt such instant affinity for a person in my life before.

I'm not a teenlad, this wasn't infatuaion or falling in love with the first girl to say hi to me in three years or anything, it was love but it wasn't romantic. It was like I already knew her and I think she feels the same and it's weird.

We both agreed that we're like that Amy Winehouse song - "I told you I was trouble, you know that I'm no good". We're both loved by good people and we both can't stop destroy both ourselves and by proxy them.

I tell you lads, it's a good job she's a lezzer or I can tell from every spark of energy from her that we'd make Sid and Nancy and Kurt and Courtney combined look like a couple of petulant twelve year olds having a strop outside a McDonalds in a run down coastal town during off season. Or at the least, I'd not be avoiding mental ..... I have no idea if she's a slag or not. But she's as a rotten and conniving and desperate and desirous as me and perhaps our Affinity, AA's supposed "higher power", put us together to help us to help each other, or maybe like attracts like in the same way as the abused seeks out the next abuser with just as much sickening alacrity as they are being pursued themselves.

My opinion? Well, we'll just have to wait and see.

Christ lads am I in love with an alcoholic lesbian nutter who wanted to take back by sponsor token after less than a week?

You know your life is getting interesting when ......


As for the 23 year old, she couldn't make up her mind where to meet me, kept offering up little burger joints down seedy lanes. Felt like a set up for a robbery so I just blocked her and fuck it. She might be 12 years younger than I am but she was barely worth the minicab fare if I'm honest, nevermind getting robbed.

Moan for a post as bloated as my fluid retaining abdomen. Still.
>> No. 8093 Anonymous
6th May 2018
Sunday 3:28 am
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> One leads to two leads to falling asleep in the bath with a glass in my hand.

I know it's alcohol, not heroin, but be careful, Whitney. Seriously.
>> No. 8094 Anonymous
7th May 2018
Monday 2:07 am
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As all things go I'm surprised that this fanfiction is still continuing.
>> No. 8095 Anonymous
7th May 2018
Monday 9:25 am
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U wot?
>> No. 8096 Anonymous
7th May 2018
Monday 1:49 pm
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Fuck alcohol, Fuck the people who sell it. Fuck the people who make it. Never again.
>> No. 8097 Anonymous
7th May 2018
Monday 2:46 pm
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>Never again.
I believe you. Millions wouldn't. Stay strong, brother.
>> No. 8098 Anonymous
7th May 2018
Monday 6:59 pm
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That image is too close to home to be funny. Did you pull it from r/2meirl4meirl ?
>> No. 8099 Anonymous
7th May 2018
Monday 7:10 pm
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I've been living (if you could call it that) so differently for so long from most of the population that I feel like a member of a different species. Pretty surreal to realise that you have pretty much nothing in common with most people when it comes to milestones and shared experiences.
>> No. 8100 Anonymous
7th May 2018
Monday 11:29 pm
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That's a feeling that many people share, regardless of the cause. You're not alone, and it's also something that can be fixed.
>> No. 8101 Anonymous
8th May 2018
Tuesday 12:39 pm
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Sounds a bit like the definition for the word sonder.
>> No. 8102 Anonymous
13th May 2018
Sunday 8:00 am
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Was supposed to be meeting someone last night. Woke up about an hour ago with "I gotta feeling" playing on speakers I literally never use unless I have company to learn I apparently passed out drunk before my friend even arrived. There was an almost full can of room-temperature Scrumpy Jack on my desk. I ignored it until I realised I have an entire sixpack of Romanian lager in the fridge. Then I unignored it. Happy Sunday pissheads and recovering pissheads!
>> No. 8103 Anonymous
14th May 2018
Monday 1:25 am
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Two weeks (somehow) fucking sober. At this point I think I'm just staying sober more out of a hard headed "go fuck yourselves" sense of wanting to prove to people that I can, more than an actual desire to not drink and drug myself into a toxic slumber.

One of the biggest problems about no longer trying to drink and drug yourself to death is that you suddenly start feeling better than you have in years. This leads to days where you wake up feeling so chipper that all you want to do is go out and get mashed, like the good old days.

My AA sponsor was back on Thursday, which was nice, but she still won't call me (won't, or hasn't, or can't, or any combination of the above) and I've already been shoulder tapped that I'm going to end up looking after her more than she looks after me. Talk about luck.

On the post-AA-post-marriage-separation front the 29 year old dropped me in it about an hour before our "date" because she felt I wasn't "separate enough from my wife yet". I mean, how separate do you want me to be in order to have a fucking coffee with me? It's not like I was going to go down on bended knee in the first half hour and pledge my undying love for her. Silly moo.

"Gog grant me the stupidity to deny there’s anything I cannot change, the temerity to neglect the things I can, and the ignorance to be incapable of distinguishing between the two". - Will Self, How The Dead Live

PS: If anyone finds this crap at all tiresome please just let me know and I'll stop blogging about my experiences with AA and forays into dating after having drunk and drugged your marriage into a stepped on monster munch. I'm currently posting this crap assuming that it'll be of interest to someone who has had to give up drinking, or is thinking about having to do so.
>> No. 8104 Anonymous
14th May 2018
Monday 10:59 am
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I'm too hungover to type a proper response but I enjoy your posts.
>> No. 8105 Anonymous
14th May 2018
Monday 11:09 am
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Nah, both me and >>8104 are interested, so you've got all of the userbase onside. Is there any reason you can't change AA sponsor for someone a bit more reliable? Maybe a decent older bloke who got remarried after achieving sobriety for a good half-dozen of them little shiny tokens. If there's anyone like that in your AA group, maybe go for them. I feel like they'd be a bit more relatable and dependable for someone in your situation. I'm not intimately acquainted with how AA sponsoring works so I'm sorry if there's some fuddy-duddy kind of "no switcheroos" policy in the organisation's structure. Seems a bit of a bad one if new recruits are stuck with the luck of the draw, really.
>> No. 8111 Anonymous
24th May 2018
Thursday 2:15 am
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Well, great. I managed two weeks off, business travel induced drinks but I managed to keep it under wraps and OK. All going swimmingly. Then I bought a bottle of Gin. Blah blah, fuckedup, whatever. Except I just gone done did and broke down in tears in public. I think I hid it OK, I live in London and I found a corner and just wallowed... might be time to end it.

Do not send an intervention, I'm ok. Just can't be arsed to type out the wherefore and how right now.
>> No. 8112 Anonymous
24th May 2018
Thursday 3:07 pm
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Microdosing shrooms and using medicinal weed to help with sleep at night has severely reduced my consumption of alcohol. Had a drink for the first time in weeks the other night but didn't really feel the need like I usually do, felt pretty pointless actually. I'm not saying everybody should pkunge into drugs but it has definitely helped my emotional stability.
>> No. 8113 Anonymous
24th May 2018
Thursday 6:43 pm
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I can see a good and bad side to the whole teetotal thing. On one hand you are keenly aware of the time spent sober and the tokens and stuff give you a progression and something tangible to keep as a reminder.

The down side is the whole relapse mentality and the shame that it can bring about. We are imperfect human beings, maybe this mentality of absolutism is necessary and helpful for some, but it must also be a source of great stress and pain for others who may react more favourably to managing and gradually reducing their consumption.

Stay strong brother.
>> No. 8114 Anonymous
24th May 2018
Thursday 11:15 pm
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A relapse isn't a failure, it's just a setback. The question is how you choose to deal with it. I think it's useful to treat a relapse as a learning experience. Relapses don't come out of nowhere - there are thoughts, feelings, stresses and circumstances that made you more vulnerable to relapsing. If you reflect on those factors, you'll be able to recognise them in future and take positive steps to manage them.

From this learning perspective, a relapse only makes you stronger in the long run. You might relapse again in future, but as long as you're learning something about yourself and making positive choices, then you're on the right path.

I also think it's important to forgive yourself. Guilt, shame and self-punishment might seem justified if you've been acting like a twat, but they don't really help you to improve yourself. If you're constantly beating yourself up and don't like the person you see in the mirror, the urge to give up and escape from reality is only going to get stronger. I think that's why steps 8, 9 and 10 are important - by making amends with the people we have harmed, it's easier to forgive ourselves.
>> No. 8115 Anonymous
25th May 2018
Friday 3:28 pm
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Well, I'm on my way to a month without drinking and so far so good. If I manage to make it to two months it'll be the longest I've gone without a drink since 2004. If I make it to six maybe I'll even have the guts to go and get my liver tests and other biomarkers redone.

It's been two Thursdays in a row that my sponsor hasn't turned up to AA, and she hasn't made any contact. I don't know at what point the line revolves and it becomes my moral (even if not pastoral) duty to turn around and contact her, although my guts say about a month of AWOL.

> Is there any reason you can't change AA sponsor for someone a bit more reliable? Maybe a decent older bloke [...] If there's anyone like that in your AA group, maybe go for them. I feel like they'd be a bit more relatable and dependable for someone in your situation.

I have no real idea what the protocol is, to be honest. I'm finding the whole AA thing a bit odd, to be honest. There are people there who've been sober for twenty five years but still turn up every single day after all that time. I don't know if their inner demons are that strong that they have to keep coming back to remind themselves of where they were, to see the newcomers shaking and sweating and be reminded to never go back back, or if their drive and zeal to help others is that strong that they feel a need to show up and open the doors even when no one comes like the fucking priest in Eleanor Rigby, or if they simply can't think of anything better to do of an evening.

I'm keeping my own head down as much as possible, turning up once or twice a week; I don't want this to become a replacement for the life I lived before my last, near fatal, bout of hardcore drinking and drugging - I just want to be healthy enough to go back to how I was living before I slipped and fell down that particular sinkhole, and that involves a whole lot of activities beyond AA.

Maybe I get a new sponsor or maybe I don't, either way there are people I can call. Maybe I can get more numbers for if things get grim. But for right now I'm just happy to be waking up in the mornings and my first impulse not being to grab the box of pills and the bottle wine and blow myself back into the fucking void for another six or eight or twelve hours.

Waking up and not wanting to slit your own throat seems, at the moment, a much better way to be living my life and some days, maybe even most days, I wake up and I'm almost happy to be alive.
>> No. 8116 Anonymous
25th May 2018
Friday 3:50 pm
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>or if they simply can't think of anything better to do of an evening.

I suspect it's a lot to do with replacing one ritual with another.
>> No. 8117 Anonymous
25th May 2018
Friday 4:49 pm
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I fear you may be right. Perhaps some of these people have been using alcohol so intensely for so long that any pre-alcoholic life seems like a dream or a fuzzy memory of some kind.

With nothing from the past they can, or perhaps want to, go back to then maybe sitting drinking coffee with other lost souls trumps sitting in a shitty run down pub drinking beer with other lost souls and all the associated problems that come with that, the same ones that always lead us back to where we began and begin again.
>> No. 8118 Anonymous
25th May 2018
Friday 5:41 pm
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It might be a bit more positive than that, like the way a lot of ex-smokers like to preach after they've quit. They know how much better they feel so have a compulsion to make other people understand too. I know it's not quite the same, but when I lost loads of weight in my early twenties I really felt the need to tell others how to do it too, and I can't quite say why other than I wanted other people to feel better and improve their lives like I did. That's waned over the years though, so maybe it's different.
>> No. 8119 Anonymous
25th May 2018
Friday 7:41 pm
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However you're achieving it, that still sounds you're on a good trajectory. Maybe if you feel well enough, you could ring your sponsor next Thursday to find out where she is. I'm not sure if the sponsor-sponsee relationship is at all like one with a therapist, but in therapy you're meant to do the work together rather than the therapist doing it for you. It's meant to be a two-way process, if that makes sense. Might well be that she could do with hearing from you too.

Of course, if she's gone entirely off the deep end don't use that as an excuse to follow her. You've been doing really well.
>> No. 8138 Anonymous
30th June 2018
Saturday 1:51 am
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Getting drunk is getting pretty boring. All that money spent even after getting pre-drunk at home, all those mostly forgettable conversations with mostly forgettable people. I don't even make lasting friends or meet girls when I'm out drinking so it all ends up being pointless.

I guess I'll cut back on the aimless boozing and try to be a sort of 'precision drinker'. I've already left my comfort zone by drinking at a bunch of local establishments and I found that it isn't all that interesting, so I'll try using the booze a bit more productively to gain Dutch courage to play at more open mic nights or go to funny bars where the women have gentleman sausages. At least those sorts of things fill me with a sense of both optimism and dread, which is a lot better than weary indifference.
>> No. 8139 Anonymous
1st July 2018
Sunday 11:37 pm
8139 spacer

i'm all for symposium, whereby politics and thought is brought together with wine to move forward with ideas.

Try that in a masjid, no wonder they're backwards.
>> No. 8140 Anonymous
7th July 2018
Saturday 12:29 pm
8140 spacer
I had a bit of a drink and a smoke with a middle aged Irish gypsy on a doorstep somewhere. When I wanted to leave he got weird and demanded £10 for the few puffs of weed and the sips of whisky. He was a big guy and a former boxer who'd done prison time for armed robbery so I told him no in the politest possible terms and walked away, but not before hearing that he'd follow me home and bash me head in.

Turns out getting drunk with gyppos isn't a particularly good idea. Who would've thunk it.
>> No. 8141 Anonymous
7th July 2018
Saturday 1:46 pm
8141 spacer
Since when has casual racism been acceptable around here?
>> No. 8142 Anonymous
7th July 2018
Saturday 2:20 pm
8142 spacer

Probably around the same time the Irish became a race or the words "Gyppo" or "Pikey" anything more than tired old insults with nothing to do with race*.

*Unless you're talking about Roma Gypsies, which >>8140 wasn't.
>> No. 8143 Anonymous
8th July 2018
Sunday 1:12 am
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>> No. 8144 Anonymous
8th July 2018
Sunday 5:22 pm
8144 spacer
> Getting drunk is getting pretty boring.
> I guess I'll cut back on the aimless boozing and try to be a sort of 'precision drinker'.

I've been saying that since 2005, and a fat lot of good it's done me. I don't mean to imply that you and I are anything alike or that you'll not manage to do it, but the simple fact that you aspire to "Precision drinking" at all is a big red warning flag for me. To me, it sounds like you need, and know and accept that you need, alcohol in order to function in a "normal" way under certain situations. That, indeed, is a long fucking road to hell. Caveat Emptor, lad. Fuck "Pack your rice", it's more like "count your units".


Today is my niece's first Birthday/party. This is relevant for a few reasons, I promise. First off in under a week I'll be 35 with a soul positively flapping off my metaphorical shoe. Secondly today marks a year that I've been somewhat semi officially battling "mental health problems" as it was when people first began to notice that I was having issues (and trust me, other people will notice long before you do).

I spent a few hours in a luxury hospital suite pre-delivery that the father of the child had stocked up with booze like we were facing a ten day lock in (he's far further off the deep end than I ever managed to get but will never admit to it) talking the mother to be through her breathing exercises and counting her contractions all while downing a beer and a 2mg clonazepam every five minutes because the SNRIs I was on made me feel like I was on bad speed all day every day forever.

To cut long story slightly shorter, I went to Judo practice the next morning on a breakfast of 8mg of clonazepam and 2 extra large cans of Smirnoff Ice because I needed something to take the fucking edge off; combined with how naturally high I was from the near magical experience of the night before I must have seemed like some kind of unwashed madman stumbling my way vodka-breathed and reeking of bad booze and terminal psychosis onto the mats that morning enthusiastically grinning "I'm an uncle!!" at anyone I passed. Jesus.

It also magically coincides with ten weeks "sober" tomorrow. I use the inverted commas because my psychiatrist has me so full of pills I rattle when I walk. I'm now on both sodium valproate and lithium, which I think wins me pretty much any game of Mental Health Top Trumps except those versions which include the lobotomy / electroshock mods.

I haven't really gone back to AA very much, once every two weeks at most. My psychiatrist has recommended not going back now that my drinking seems largely under control (because it's a constant reminded of what I was, not what I can be), but to just walk away from people who helped pick up me up at my worst just because I feel better feels "I'm alright jack" to the point of being foul. I don't know how long it'll last for, but for a while I will feel the need to turn up at least once every couple of weeks and "pay my penance" listening to the same sob stories week in week out and largely opting out of talking myself (because I usually don't have anything new to say, and repeating the same old thing again just seems pointless beyond point of ridiculousness).

It's funny, really. It's not the not drinking I'm even having trouble with. It's the whole not locking myself in and crying like a muppet in the shower every 15 minutes that's the real problem.

Anyway I wanted to ramble on some more about how a year passes like nothing when you can barely tell one week from another, never mind one day from the next. Then I stare at the wall for a bit and I remember that I have made some progress, even if it's only taking me back to where I was fifteen years ago - "I've been sober for longer than at any point in the last fifteen years" becomes a lot less impressive when you reframe it as "You wasted fifteen years of your life, you mean?".

In any case, I've wasted both your, and my, time long enough for any given Sunday (and I apologise), and now it's time for me to go and strap my fake smile back on and go through this bullshit one more time and try not to spend too much time crying in the bathroom. Wish me luck lads, I'll need it.

As always, if this gets too tiresome let me know and I'll stop treating this thread as my personal occasional blog.
>> No. 8145 Anonymous
8th July 2018
Sunday 5:35 pm
8145 spacer
Is there a socially acceptable shorthand for 'those cunts who tether their black & white horses on common land and lanes, keeping them in fucking dreadful conditions, not giving them water, then looking all hurt when I kick off about their mangy stallion busting loose and trying to break my fences down and fuck my horses to death?'
Because I'm far from pleased. Not about their parentage, but their competence and humanity.
>> No. 8146 Anonymous
8th July 2018
Sunday 5:38 pm
8146 spacer
Please do keep posting - and all the best to you.
>> No. 8147 Anonymous
10th July 2018
Tuesday 12:55 am
8147 spacer
Thanks for this post. We never know where we can end up, so thanks for the warnings.

Talk to the RSPCA. No one should keep an animal they are not willing to care for.

Are they pikies?
>> No. 8198 Anonymous
14th October 2018
Sunday 5:01 pm
8198 spacer
Thread OP here.
Long time since I've posted. I'm a fat bastard these days but I'm not boozing much anymore. I still binge drink on occassion but I don't think it's a problem like it was at one point.

I got married this year and didn't die in my 20's, both of which were things I did not expect to happen around the time I made this thread.

Hope y'all are still hanging in there.
>> No. 8199 Anonymous
14th October 2018
Sunday 5:28 pm
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>> No. 8200 Anonymous
14th October 2018
Sunday 5:29 pm
8200 spacer
I would like to die in my 20s
>> No. 8201 Anonymous
14th October 2018
Sunday 7:11 pm
8201 spacer
That's good to hear lad.
>> No. 8202 Anonymous
15th October 2018
Monday 2:45 am
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> but I'm not boozing much anymore. I still binge drink on occassion but I don't think it's a problem like it was at one point.

It's funny that the biggest, most major, belief in the whole AA (and I presume NA) doctrine is that a single drink will turf the alcoholic fully and totally back into the gutter from whence he came. I, like you, have found that to be untrue, at least for some people.

I'm not sure if it was because I never quite ended up in the gutter (I mean I've fallen in a few gutters before, but I never really hit rock bottom - I never missed work or spent money I didn't have or rob my dear old Nan's purse in order to drink).

In any case, over the last couple of weeks I've been drinking moderately at weekends and once or twice socially during the week. So far I am yet to even get drunk, never mind end up off the alcoholic wagon.

Regardless, I'm going to steal a quote here: "Ah've kicked a few times now. Kicking and using again is like gaun tae prison. Everytime ye go to jail, the probability ay ye ever becoming free fae that kind of life decreases. It's the same every time ye go back tae smack. Ye decrease yir chances ay ever bein able tae do withoot it."

Well I've been chemically dependent on alcohol a few times now and kicked every time on my own using nothing more than a few benzos and some common sense dose reduction until you can just grit your teeth and get through the day. Once I've done that I usually go dry for a week, or two, or a month. This time I lasted almost five months before deciding "what's the harm in a quick drink".

Well, so far no harm no foul, but I sit and I think back to all the past horrors I've put myself through and I know that I don't want to ever go back to being chemically dependent on alcohol.

Not only would it take me round another trip through the addict's crossroads, it'd take up weeks or months of my life, fuck up my routine I'm just getting back together again, and just genuinely be a horrible fucking experience to go through - physically, emotionally, and mentally.

So despite knowing that AA and twelve step programs in general are geared towards remaining focused on drugs - in perpetuity, moving away from a basic evolutionary drive that exists within every human being and replacing it with rooms full of mostly annoying, stupid, and boring people, spouting drivel, until I want to kill them, myself, or just go get high - I am actually going to go back to "being sober" (or tee-total), because the stakes are too high and even if the risk is small I still don't want to take it. I've wasted enough time for this lifetime.


Lad. You have no idea how much impact this thread has had on my life since I went through my first chemical dependence on alcohol in 2012. I remember sitting and crying at 7am in a penthouse flat on Het Spui in Amsterdam because I was drinking a 1L bottle of red wine for breakfast while ironing my shirt and I couldn't find my fucking cufflinks while reading this thread. I really do think that there were some moments there where this thread and John Doran's Menk column were the only things keeping me sane in a world where I needed 40 units of alcohol per day to stave off withdrawals, well over the amount needed to make you feel very ill indeed.

I guess what I'm trying to say is, thank you for this thread. You've no idea how much it's helped.
>> No. 8203 Anonymous
15th October 2018
Monday 7:06 pm
8203 spacer
This is quite a lot of text about the fact that you supposedly don't agree with AA's stance of one-sip-is-a-direct-ticket-to-ruination-station to only sum up and declare that you are...going to behave precisely in line with this approach anyway.

Still, whether you think I'm completely off the mark about your tacit agreement with the 12-steppers and that on some unconscious level you know it's correct, I'm just really glad you've arrived at the realisation and are finally sorting yourself out. It's beyond time that you did, mate. Good on you.
>> No. 8204 Anonymous
15th October 2018
Monday 11:56 pm
8204 spacer
> This is quite a lot of text about the fact that you supposedly don't agree with AA's stance of one-sip-is-a-direct-ticket-to-ruination-station to only sum up and declare that you are...going to behave precisely in line with this approach anyway.

You are entirely right. I disagree entirely with almost everything AA says (largely due to the evidence of my own eyes) but I have decided, through whatever circuitous and perhaps self- delusionary chain of thought I took, to do things pretty much their way, perhaps maybe minus the brain-numbing meetings:

I don't believe in any of the twelve steps.

- I don't believe that a single drink throws you off the wagon.

-I don't believe that "an alcoholic"* once addicted is forever unable to return to normal drinking.

- And I definitely don't believe that alcoholism (or addiction in general) is "an incurable, progressive, fatal disease" that cannot be cured but only put into remission by "avoiding the first sip" and attending tedious meetings where roughly 1/3 of the people have real serious problems and you listen to them and you talk to them after the meeting, maybe giving them your number or even secretly spotting them a tenner if you think they'll buy a meal not a drink (AA officially does not supply members with money or other physical help), 1/3 are so far gone you can barely understand them just make out the reek of cheap spirits hitting you in the face like a right hook from Iron Mike from across the room, and 1/3 tedious cunts who've been doing this for 20+ years and depending on if they're one of the more interesting ones or not, will either chat for five minutes about one of their previous relapses (some of these stories are hilarious for those with gallows humor) or alternately whine about how AA isn't what it used to be and more people need to turn up early and buy biscuits (look you arsehole I put a fucking fiver in the bag last week, that buys a lot of fucking biscuits) and set up the chairs and that.

*"an alcoholic" being anyone who "fails" the test found at https://www.aa.org/pages/en_US/is-aa-for-you-twelve-questions-only-you-can-answer - to me that was every single person I knew in my twenties.

Anyway, I'll save you some keystrokes and say that yes this was an awful lot of words just to say "I don't agree with AA but I'm going to spend the rest of my life largely tee-total, but I do trust myself enough to have a glass of champagne at new year or a glass of whisky on my birthday or on Burns night".

Anyway, there's all kinds of assorted crap going on in my life, which may or may not have to do with this mini-lapse, but I honestly don't know if I should continue to spin them into my "Life and dating post drinking and post separation" musings here or just shut my boring trap.

I guess we'll wait and see.
>> No. 8205 Anonymous
16th October 2018
Tuesday 1:35 am
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While I'm here.

I've wanted to die before 18, before 21, during my 22n'd birthday party, by 25, by 27, on my 30th birthday and every single birthday since until my 35th when I simply accepted that it was time to give up on suicide and wait for natural causes to take me off this planet.

Irony will surely see me dead from liver cancer before I see thirty-six.
>> No. 8208 Anonymous
25th October 2018
Thursday 11:23 pm
8208 spacer
That test is a bit odd, because a lot of the answers require a fair bit of self reflection. I suppose that they tailor it to cases they think they can help. I know its farcical at the list as a resing actor, but to most of them the answer is not "Yes!", it's "I've given up...", especially the vague ones.
>> No. 8209 Anonymous
26th October 2018
Friday 4:23 pm
8209 spacer
Seemed like a good idea to go sober at the time due to health issues but fuck it why do I bother. Being fucked up consistently is much better than reality.
>> No. 8210 Anonymous
26th October 2018
Friday 6:50 pm
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"The trick is to lay out the soul but let the brain and body float on and on. Which is what, with that needle in your arm, you think you're doing. Until you realize, inevitably, that you're not. That you're just generating more pain, more penance for the one sin you couldn't help commit. The sin of being born."
>> No. 8211 Anonymous
27th October 2018
Saturday 1:03 am
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I wish I could disagree, though I really don't. Sometimes I do go sober but what do sober people even do? I've tried live comedy, theatre, opera, social gatherings, going for walks, bike rides, going travelling, sex... they're fun and all, some even great, but none fill the void in the way alcohol does. I've looked into opiates and from what I can tell I totally understand why people get addicted and count my blessings I never got into that scene. Heroin sounds so really far right up my alley it's beyond scarey and my own naivety stops me from getting it and trying it.

Angst aside, I've been a working resting actor (?) for nearly 20 years now. Youth has long since worn off so it's showing with a pot belly, liver failure is going to happen eventually. Weird how being able to keep on keeping on erases all that.
>> No. 8212 Anonymous
27th October 2018
Saturday 1:48 am
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viper smoke crack for life.png

>> No. 8213 Anonymous
30th October 2018
Tuesday 2:09 am
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I've also been fascinated with heroin addiction since I was a teenager; it's basically my retirement plan at the moment. Honestly I can't see anywhere else I can end up - I've come to the end of the road as far as drinking goes (except rare special occasions), and drinking a "proper amount" messes with my bi-polar medication and leaves me crying in the shower to Paul Simon and Joni Mitchell records that were made before I was bloody born.
>> No. 8214 Anonymous
30th October 2018
Tuesday 2:12 am
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Vaguely related, a girl I really like - but who doesn't yet know that I'm a fully signed up chip-carrying member of Resting Actors Anonymous - gave me a bottle of spirits made in her home town. I need to find someone to take it off my hands but not drink the fucker like every single alcoholic friend in denial I have.

>> No. 8215 Anonymous
30th October 2018
Tuesday 6:15 pm
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If you're that tempted, just pour it down the sink. She'll never know.
>> No. 8216 Anonymous
30th October 2018
Tuesday 6:24 pm
8216 spacer
Well, if you're willing to pay for postage...
>> No. 8217 Anonymous
1st November 2018
Thursday 3:48 am
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S'alright lads I dealt with the problem by emptying the entire liter into my guts, which caused the ex-missus to book me a crisis meeting with my psych which I don't need - I wasn't in crisis, I was awake and fucking drunk.
Anyone who can be alive, half drunk, and still view the world as the daft ToyTown it seems in sobriety has powers entirely beyond my ken.
>> No. 8218 Anonymous
1st November 2018
Thursday 9:06 am
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Well lad I suppose the only question worth asking really is why did you do it?
>> No. 8219 Anonymous
1st November 2018
Thursday 8:18 pm
8219 spacer

I'm an alcoholic and there was a bottle of spirits within reaching distance. At that level of operation there is no forebrain interaction at all, everything just occurs at the level of unconscious habit. Often times you don't really realize what you're doing until your half way down the bottle.
>> No. 8220 Anonymous
1st November 2018
Thursday 9:28 pm
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>I'm an alcoholic and there was a bottle of spirits within reaching distance.

I've never been sold by that explanation and I'm a member of the state sponsored detox club myself. Something else has to be driving you, even if it is just bordem (the fact that you got your ex-missus is involved suggests to me that there is more to it), I consider heavy drinking the symptom and not the cause, and total absenance a foolish bench mark, it leads to treating one slip up as as good as total failure so when you do slip up you go for broke.

So why did you feel you had to drink it all like that? if it was the buzz I believe you would have paced yourself more.
>> No. 8221 Anonymous
1st November 2018
Thursday 10:51 pm
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> I consider heavy drinking the symptom and not the cause

It's one I've asked myself, and my psychiatrist, a few times now - am I sad because I drink or do I drink because I'm sad? Given that I spent nearly five months as tee-total tells me that it's probably the latter; even after being entirely detoxed for that long I was still suicidally depressed. I concur generally with your opinion.

>and total absenance a foolish bench mark, it leads to treating one slip up as as good as total failure so when you do slip up you go for broke.

Also agreed. As I've posted before I disagree with almost every aspect of the way AA do things, but for whatever foolish reasons, what they do works.

> So why did you feel you had to drink it all like that? if it was the buzz I believe you would have paced yourself more.

I didn't really get a buzz at all, I'm actively taking naltrexone daily for a while now and I also take another pill if I drink. Theoretically (and practically, actually) I shouldn't get a feel good feeling from alcohol at all.

Which brings us back to the more fundamentally difficult question of "why does 90% of you feel dead-set on auto-destruct, while 10% fights tooth and nail to do anything it can to keep you alive".

I'm afraid I don't have an answer to that question, but it has something to do with my parentage, my upbringing, and my being a father myself. Probably.
>> No. 8222 Anonymous
1st November 2018
Thursday 11:51 pm
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>Which brings us back to the more fundamentally difficult question of "why does 90% of you feel dead-set on auto-destruct, while 10% fights tooth and nail to do anything it can to keep you alive".

>I'm afraid I don't have an answer to that question, but it has something to do with my parentage, my upbringing, and my being a father myself. Probably.

It is okay to not have the answer to that follow up question yet, my point was before that focusing on an answer we both know isn't the root of the issue is pointless and makes the problem unsolvable (why do you do X? 'Because I do', is less useful then 'because I feel Y' even if you don't understand why you feel Y focusing on it might at some point solve Y.

I'm going to share my own Y with you on the hopes it helps. I really have 4 Ys that are quite different and have different solutions.
The first Y is I hate myself and self-loathing and drinking is my own form of self-destruction one that I feel I can get away with without it looking like a cry for help, I have a death wish, but I also value my own life too much to simply take it, so I just circle around the drain. This thankfully hasn't been a driving force for me for a long long time, I have overcome this by learning to like myself again.

The second Y is to block something out, This is event driven. Effectively a situation so uncomfortable I drank myself blind drunk for a solid week rather than have to process it. I think this version affects a lot of people in society who are otherwise decent people but have poor cooping skills, I think the solution to this is therapy and good self-help. Even if my reaction to said events was just to tell people they were fucking cunts I think that would have been a healthier outlet. I have effectively become stoic to combat this.

The third Y for me is mind numbing boredom, this is the 'rat park' model of addiction, if you feel under stimulated you will reach for things to stimulate you even if they are long term destructive, I was driven to this by having a job that although very well paying and I respected for, I found profoundly boring, so I just ended up drinking during the day, quitting my job although on the surface a poor idea was good for me.

The 4th is connected to society, the truth is I like interacting with new people and the way we meet new people where they don't treat us like creepy arseholes for talking to them is in bars. This is my least destructive drive and the only one I consider acceptable, I've drunk too heavily in the past with this (and I still do, my withdrawal is now an absolute fucker), but I can at least see a meaningful cost to benefit trade off happening as long as I accept not every night has to be 'the wildest night of my life' and think about what I have planned the next day and the trade off I think I can keep this in check.

Does any of that help to put your thoughts straight? Or am I just being self-indulgent here?
>> No. 8223 Anonymous
2nd November 2018
Friday 12:47 am
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> Does any of that help to put your thoughts straight?

Probably more than you might think. If we're going to try to solve this algorithmically (or equationally) then my [Yn] are a bit different to yours:

1) I, like you, hate myself and basically want to die. Like you drinking allows me to kill myself slowly without doing things that really upset people like smoking meth (sigh) or carving shit into my arms to blunt out the bad voices in my head.

2) To open myself up. I'll be sober and not "call a cunt a cunt" but let me down four to six pints and I'd walk up to my own father and call him a sadly failed miscarriage.

3) My own pathetic upbringing, I was brought up between two warring parents and the fake exaggerated smiles you can see on my birthday photos are firm evidence of that - wanting to be both sons to both parents.

4) There's quite a lot sexual shit here that I haven't even gone through with my psychiatrist, nevermind an anonymous image board.

5) A true passion for the abyss. I don't know how much this has to do with 1) but every since I started drinking I drank differently - I didn't have a couple; if we weren't going out to come back unconscious don't even call it.
>> No. 8224 Anonymous
2nd November 2018
Friday 1:50 am
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>Probably more than you might think

Well that is wonderful to hear, not just for you but part of dealing with my first Y is recognising the value and contribution I make to others. I haven't cured you (something of an unrealistic goal for a random message chat), but I might have set you on the right path just through my small action and that is something I take comfort in.

I don't have easy answers for your list but I guess that is something for your own self improvement and to discuss with your psychiatrist.

Number 2 you can probably solve with some decent self help books on social skills I recommend "How to Win Friends and Influence People" and being able to express yourself better might help you with some of the other problems along the way.
>> No. 8244 Anonymous
3rd January 2019
Thursday 5:20 am
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My liver hurts. Am I fucked? No other obvious symptoms. Feel quite happy not to drink now.
>> No. 8245 Anonymous
3rd January 2019
Thursday 6:35 pm
8245 spacer
Sounds like hepatitis (the temporary alcoholic one, not the permanent viral one) and is totally reversible with abstinence. Stay sober for a year at the most and you'll be right as rain. The liver is an incredible organ and doesn't give off obvious symptoms unless it's genuinely being taxed.
>> No. 8246 Anonymous
3rd January 2019
Thursday 10:35 pm
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111 sent me to an emergency appointment, doctors did some tests short of a CT scan, said it might be IBS or kidney stones. Neither option is great but at least I'm not dying so I was happy.

In and out of there in about 2 hours, the NHS is impressive sometimes.
>> No. 8247 Anonymous
5th January 2019
Saturday 8:08 pm
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Most of the time you hear complaints about the NHS being slow and useless, it's because the people in question had nowt wrong with 'em in the first place. You get left to wait as a polite way of saying "stop being a girl."

If it sounds like there might actually be something up you'll find the NHS can be rather efficient.
>> No. 8248 Anonymous
5th January 2019
Saturday 8:14 pm
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It's also people who don't really understand medical care.

I had a bad infection stemming from an abscess on my appendix, and was in hospital for a month. I was in there that long as that's how long it took to fight the infection, do two surgeries, suck the goop out of me, run antibiotic courses and monitor me to make sure I didn't die. Yet ask my mother or grandparents, and they'll tell you "the bloody doctors are useless, he just sat in a bed for a month and they didn't even do anything!"
>> No. 8249 Anonymous
5th January 2019
Saturday 9:15 pm
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The NHS is great at some things and bloody awful at others. It's really good at acute care, albeit badly underfunded. It's bloody good at cancer, partly because cancer receives a disproportionate amount of funding and a substantial top-up from charitable contributions.

It's pretty bad at the management of chronic conditions, largely because of bad record keeping and information sharing. If you've got a chronic disease, you'll spend a great deal of your life repeating the same information over and over again, because nobody has a) written it in your notes b) managed to get your notes transferred or c) bothered to read your notes. If my experience is anything to go by, then an awful lot of serious medical errors are going un-noticed - I've prevented several fuck-ups in my own care and the care of my parents, simply because I keep accurate records. I shudder to think about what might happen to people who aren't quite compus mentis.

It's shockingly awful at mental health. In the 21st century, nobody should turn up at A&E with slashed up wrists and be sent home with the number for The Samaritans and a half-promise that the CMHT will probably call them if they aren't too busy. For decades, mental health services have been treated like a piggybank for the rest of the NHS. Last in the queue for investment, first in the queue for cuts.


Agreed. A lot of patients - especially older patients - have a really strange idea of what good clinical care looks like. There seems to be total ignorance about the importance of medical observation/watchful waiting and the unavoidable trial-and-error process of prescribing. My mum refuses to go into hospital unless she's absolutely at death's door, because that's where people go to die. I can't seem to explain to her that lots of people die in hospital because that's where we send all the really sick people.
>> No. 8250 Anonymous
6th January 2019
Sunday 12:36 am
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>a disproportionate amount of funding and a substantial top-up from charitable contributions

Yeah I used to work in that industry - Cancer Research are the number one charity in the UK, mainly because they have such popular mindshare; people give on average, once per year to charity, and about 25% of the time, it's to them. A lot of people are affected by cancer, sure, but I've never been that convinced they do that good work - Macmillan (and their nurses) are a far more impressive outfit and do better work I think.
>> No. 8251 Anonymous
8th January 2019
Tuesday 10:17 pm
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Having my first drink since November 26th, when I returned from the highlands and made the decision to quit the stuff for a while and become a more outdoorsy kind of person. Unfortunately the nearest place that qualifies as "the outdoors" is around an hour and a half to two hours away and I never really found the motivation to drive that far. My plan was to take a very long break from drinking and then maybe only drink alcohol if I acquired a social life or to gain courage for doing worthwhile solitary stuff like playing at open mic nights or going to gigs (maybe a couple of times a month). Essentially having a semi-legitimate reason to drink instead of drinking at home merely to make the time go by quicker and as a coping mechanism for the racing, anxious thoughts. Drinking again just to remember what it feels like to be drunk, like I'm doing now, wasn't quite part of the plan.

The one positive is that the whisky I'm drinking was a christmas gift so I'm still "clean" in the sense that I haven't spent a penny on drink. I'm pretty sure that if I got on anxiety medication or really ingrained some anti-anxiety CBT techniques in my brain I would basically have no reason to drink.
>> No. 8252 Anonymous
9th January 2019
Wednesday 12:49 am
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> I'm still "clean" in the sense that I haven't spent a penny on drink

I've also been trying to use this excuse.
>> No. 8253 Anonymous
9th January 2019
Wednesday 10:22 pm
8253 spacer

[sarcasm] Me too. I am clean, since all the meth, cocaine and bath salts I smoked in the last month were offered. I did not spend a single penny on drugs [/sarcasm]
>> No. 8254 Anonymous
9th January 2019
Wednesday 10:24 pm
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I bought two bottles of beer but they're for a friend to drink. I guess that means I'm relapsing.
>> No. 8255 Anonymous
11th January 2019
Friday 1:00 am
8255 spacer
5 days without alcohol or weed, after about 8 years with either/or every day.

It's a bit boring, and now I'm switched on all the time and remember why I liked being switched off. 4 cigarettes a day and about the same number of wanks. That's healthy right?

But cheers and all that, now I can do things like Milktoberfest.
>> No. 8256 Anonymous
28th January 2019
Monday 5:16 pm
8256 spacer
Had some family drama recently and now that it's all over I find myself still drinking considerably more than I was previously. I had a nice little compromise between alcoholism and sobriety going for a little while of getting so drunk I can't stand maybe once a week. Now though I can see myself having quite abruptly having slipped back into the habit of having a beer on the go basically the entire time I'm awake or at least an imminent plan for one. I'm not even getting drunk really, just avoiding ever quite being 100% sober.

I'm going to try getting shitfaced tonight and hopefully get whatever shit is going on in my head out of my system. I can't afford to get back to how I was when I lived like this for a year and a half.
>> No. 8257 Anonymous
28th January 2019
Monday 6:20 pm
8257 spacer
>I'm going to try getting shitfaced tonight and hopefully get whatever shit is going on in my head out of my system.
I find it doesn't help do that at all, just puts it off until tomorrow night when you'll want to use it as an excuse to do the same thing again.
>> No. 8258 Anonymous
28th January 2019
Monday 6:20 pm
8258 spacer
Well done. You need a hobby, something which eequires focus. You’ll be alright.
>> No. 8259 Anonymous
23rd February 2019
Saturday 12:00 am
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Today I woke up at 2pm, dawdled for as long as I could, and went to get booze around 6ish. My attempts to force myself to be sensible have backfired as I bought a "small" amount of booze which is about to run out. The last offy within walking distance closes/stops serving booze at midnight but I won't be rushing out, I'll be suffering through the alkie's worst nightmare, a waking hangover. Because I deliberately sat here and fucked around typing this post when I realised I might just about have enough time to still rush there.

If I hadn't done this I would have bought maybe 6 cans of stella, 6 cans of desperados, probably a bottle of WKD because they've been on special offer for ages and they offer a great deal of sentimental value to me, plus a little bottle of some kind of cleanish tasting vodka that I could nip at my bedside between lapsing in and out of consciousness between now and Sunday morning by which time I'd be back at the off-licence looking for more. This would have cost me a lot of money that I probably need for bills and stuff but would happily spend on booze anyway.

>> No. 8260 Anonymous
23rd February 2019
Saturday 12:58 am
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12 cans between now and Sunday isn't much of a habit lad. Talk to your GP, get on naltrexone and get clean (if you want to). Naltrexone can take a habit down from 24 cans a day to 6 cans a day in under a week, even in a hardened alkie like me, you just need to want to stop. 6 cans is practically social drinking.
>> No. 8261 Anonymous
23rd February 2019
Saturday 1:58 pm
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I drink cans on Champions league nights almost exclusively these days and feel anxious about if 4 will do me till the footy ends, which does make his habit seem small fry, but he could be a she or just be alcohol intolerant.

On the topic of quitting though, I don't know how I manage to keep it just to 4 once a week as I used to have a 6 a night weekday habit and a two bottle of bourbon weekend one, but I do (for now) and motivation to stop is definitely the key. I didn't get a prescription to help me quit, I never asked for help actually, I just weaned myself down over the course of two years. I get anxious if I don't have alcohol in the house, but don't drink it unless there is football on. I don't know how I conditioned that aversion, but it's powerful.

Sage for rambling.
>> No. 8262 Anonymous
6th April 2019
Saturday 11:24 pm
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I've been drinking so heavily this past week that now on this fifth day of heavy drinking I don't even feel drunk after 8 pints of beer. I just feel like myself but with a slightly cloudy head and a massively bloated belly. Pretty annoying because I would usually be pleasantly sloshed by now. If I continue this way then I'd have to supplement the beer with spirits, but fortunately my body is self-limiting in the sense that it can't handle them without protesting through debilitating heartburn.

I guess this is a sneak preview of the frustration of bonafide alcoholism and it's time for me to take a long break again, perhaps permanently.
>> No. 8263 Anonymous
6th April 2019
Saturday 11:40 pm
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Drink lots of water and try to eat something before you fall asleep. You might be in for some nasty withdrawals otherwise.
>> No. 8270 Anonymous
5th July 2019
Friday 12:53 am
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I'm tired of achieving financially. I like lecky bits, I should apprentice to be an electrician. Or maybe a plumber, that seems even more essential than the former.
>> No. 8271 Anonymous
5th July 2019
Friday 11:53 am
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Isn't there an age ceiling for apprenticeships?
>> No. 8272 Anonymous
5th July 2019
Friday 2:59 pm
8272 spacer

>> No. 8273 Anonymous
5th July 2019
Friday 3:02 pm
8273 spacer
Not him, but is there any unofficial age ceiling for apprenticeships whereby you start to look like a weirdo for applying?
>> No. 8274 Anonymous
5th July 2019
Friday 3:03 pm
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I genuinely thought it was 25, do you just apply alongside all the kids?
>> No. 8275 Anonymous
5th July 2019
Friday 6:23 pm
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There are apprentices past retirement age.
>> No. 8276 Anonymous
5th July 2019
Friday 11:58 pm
8276 spacer

Not really. People have the same worry about going to university in later life, but mature applicants are generally well received because they've got a bit of life experience and a bit of common sense. Loads of people change careers midway through their life, either through choice or because the job they trained for no longer exists.

Some apprenticeship providers just want a source of cheap labour and would rather choose a wet-behind-the-ears teenager who won't complain, but you probably don't want to be working for pricks like that. If you were an electrician or a plumber, would you rather work alongside a teenage lad who can barely get out of bed in the morning or a fully grown adult?
>> No. 8277 Anonymous
6th July 2019
Saturday 12:50 pm
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In my workplace, there are two Apprentices aged 28 and 39 respectively. There's only one other person in the department younger than that, though. Our two apprentices are perfectly capable of doing their work like any other employer, but they have no formal qualifications that would let them get a foot in the door for promotions, so they're working through coursework for NVQs and other such certifications. It helps that the organisation is full of other people who are constantly learning, so it's considered to be normal, even encouraged.
>> No. 8328 Anonymous
13th December 2019
Friday 1:03 am
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Back on it tonight after years away. Feels like coming home, just like it always does.
>> No. 8329 Anonymous
13th December 2019
Friday 7:51 pm
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That you, Jeremy?
>> No. 8330 Anonymous
19th December 2019
Thursday 4:10 am
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Well, high as a kite. Too drunk to shoot, so stuck sat here.
>> No. 8331 Anonymous
19th December 2019
Thursday 3:28 pm
8331 spacer
That's it.

>> No. 8332 Anonymous
31st December 2019
Tuesday 3:42 am
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Shaitan really loves to weave his twisted web of pernicious poisons and perils in the holiday season.
>> No. 8333 Anonymous
31st December 2019
Tuesday 5:28 am
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Roll up your trouser legs and think of Medina, ladm8.
>> No. 8334 Anonymous
31st December 2019
Tuesday 9:13 pm
8334 spacer

What a waste of a restricted brain.

>> No. 8335 Anonymous
25th January 2020
Saturday 6:37 pm
8335 spacer
Only got drunk twice so far this month.
Lost almost 5kg in the first two weeks. Think I may have done some (semi?)permanent damage, I definitely don't function mentally as well as I used to.
>> No. 8337 Anonymous
31st January 2020
Friday 12:57 am
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Lads... I sit on a throne of lies but I (just in time) filed my tax return. Apparently HMRC owes me a grand, but all in all I "earned" roughly 200k 5.April 2018-2019. Most of it in RSUs (yes, that one) but fuck me. 0T crowd, I guess.

I get a special 9p discount on my can's of Dębowe Mocne from the cornershop, so that's a... win? No, a disturbing development. I'm trapped, the corner shop knows me, the Sainsbury's knows me, the Tesco knows me (I meet the same self-checkout guys every week), I can't go anywhere they don't just knowingly ring me up or hit the "over 25" button. Sure, I'm getting old, but for once...

All this to say, income doesn't even matter anymore. What am I going to do with it? Sit in a cheap rented place and buy my booze without JSA? I'll ride the wave while I can (don't get me wrong, I walk past the people who didn't have my luck in life every day)?

Fuck knows what it all means.
>> No. 8338 Anonymous
31st January 2020
Friday 1:18 am
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One of the things I did dislike when I moved out of That London was that my list of available booze shops shrunk down rapidly. I'm surprised the local co-op didn't run an intervention on me the number of times I was in there a day. I also got to know the bloke who ran the self check-outs at the 24 hour Tesco. I feel your pain.
>> No. 8340 Anonymous
16th February 2020
Sunday 10:27 pm
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Got so drunk yesterday that I left a trail of vomit trying to make it to the pub bathroom. Time to call it quits for a while.
>> No. 8342 Anonymous
20th March 2020
Friday 7:11 pm
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How are you guys holding up? Did corona interrrupt your regular booze run?
>> No. 8343 Anonymous
20th March 2020
Friday 7:25 pm
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I got my litre of blended Scotch, right on schedule and I will have an empty 1 litre Scotch bottle by tomorrow afternoon.
>> No. 8344 Anonymous
20th March 2020
Friday 7:27 pm
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>tomorrow afternoon

I see you're only an amateur resting actor.
>> No. 8345 Anonymous
20th March 2020
Friday 7:37 pm
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I've lapsed due to having a job which has inadvertently put me into this fancy new "Key Worker" group thing. I might have to go in on sunday despite being a Corporate NHSLad, just to assist the Clinical Practice Educators in training up all the new Thespians.
>> No. 8346 Anonymous
20th March 2020
Friday 8:03 pm
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Working from home + social isolation has me back on a full wino routine until the local supermarkets run out. Once the gyms shut that was it for me. No distractions and physical wellbeing meant the end of my willpower.

Good luck coronacunt, my liver will pack up well before you get me.

I was doing so, so well too.
>> No. 8347 Anonymous
21st March 2020
Saturday 1:59 am
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Make a home calisthenics routine. It's not the same but can tide you over.
>> No. 8349 Anonymous
25th March 2020
Wednesday 4:05 pm
8349 spacer
You're in luck, lads. Offies are added to the list of essential businesses.

>> No. 8350 Anonymous
25th March 2020
Wednesday 4:22 pm
8350 spacer

Told you all in the other thread, lads. Fuck bread and circus, the government knows this country runs on white cider and love island.
>> No. 8351 Anonymous
25th March 2020
Wednesday 4:30 pm
8351 spacer
It is a pretty good way of containing civil unrest, to be fair.

I wonder how the Chinese deal with it? How are the smokers coping? The few videos I saw seemed like there was no bugger leaving the blocks at all, they certainly weren't all fucking off up the Wuhan equivalent of Snowdonia. Chinalad, you there?
>> No. 8352 Anonymous
25th March 2020
Wednesday 4:33 pm
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>It is a pretty good way of containing civil unrest, to be fair.
Allowing everyone to get pissed and expecting them to maintain quarantine?
>> No. 8353 Anonymous
25th March 2020
Wednesday 4:36 pm
8353 spacer

It's a lot easier to stay on the couch watching shite with a blood alcohol percentage just this side of dead.
>> No. 8354 Anonymous
25th March 2020
Wednesday 5:09 pm
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You can get fags delivered in China.
>> No. 8355 Anonymous
25th March 2020
Wednesday 8:06 pm
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I thought you could here? There used to be booze-and-fags delivery places on HungryHouse that were open until 4am and charged exorbitant prices. Granted I gave up drinking in 2017 so maybe they've been banned since.
>> No. 8356 Anonymous
25th March 2020
Wednesday 8:38 pm
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They were welding people's doors shut in China so I imagine that helped.
>> No. 8357 Anonymous
25th March 2020
Wednesday 8:45 pm
8357 spacer

To be fair, if someone could weld me in on my tod with 500 bottles of vodka and not turn my water off until it's over I'd be stoked.
>> No. 8358 Anonymous
26th March 2020
Thursday 8:23 pm
8358 spacer
You can definitely still get booze delivered (for about twice as much as an offie or supermarket charges). There's a 24/7 cornershop near me so it's never been tempting until now.
>> No. 8359 Anonymous
28th March 2020
Saturday 12:39 am
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I am running low. All I got is a half rum. I felt bad, but then I realised, I am happy when I drink. So I started again. I blame corona.

All I am missing is a hooker, but they don't wanna come out any longer. Sad state of affairs.
>> No. 8360 Anonymous
29th March 2020
Sunday 10:48 pm
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Yesterday I was trying to buy supplies on Uber-Eats because ordinary shops (off-licences) are on there now. Ended up buying a couple of cases of bottled Stella. Back when I drank regularly (daily) I used to be one of those tossers who refuses to drink beer out of a bottle but fuck it.

Today I ordered another case and a six-pack of polish lager (in the much superior canned form). Don't want to start on the voddy just yet because I'll probably die.

It's funny because my tolerance is so fucking low now. I'd been dry for like a year with only a tiny slip here or there. I was so drunk I whatsapped my parents to announce that I had grown a moustache and telling them to "deal with it mothers and motherfuckers!!!!".

I swear my behaviour wasn't quite this cringe in the good old days.
>> No. 8361 Anonymous
29th March 2020
Sunday 11:10 pm
8361 spacer
Nice work, they'll be planning your intervention now.

What's wrong with bottles?
>> No. 8362 Anonymous
29th March 2020
Sunday 11:49 pm
8362 spacer
>Nice work, they'll be planning your intervention now.
Been there done that.

>What's wrong with bottles?
Nothing, objectively. I just had my first few proper piss-ups sitting on this ratty old sofa out of a skip in my uncle's (who isn't really an uncle) mechanic's garage. I suppose I took on some 'toxic masculinity' with regards to what a man does and doesn't drink. Exactly around the time I started boozing there was a kind of neo-yuppie movement and I associated bottles of beer with that (also, very strongly, with Hollyoaks of all things). Cans were for chilling with your pals, pints were for when you're out on the town, bottles were for other people.
>> No. 8363 Anonymous
30th March 2020
Monday 12:43 am
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> What's wrong with bottles?

Not him but to me there's always been something about the grimy aesthetic of drinking tins that felt it like was best suited to those foul and sweaty midnight binges as you stoically pound can after grim-faced can while staring at a telly long set to mute and go over and over the same three memories with increasing bitterness.

Drinking out of an actual bottle, or - god forbid - a glass, feels me about as unassailably futile as pretending there's glamour and candelabra when you're drinking by candlelight.
>> No. 8364 Anonymous
30th March 2020
Monday 7:20 pm
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Booze out of a ceramic mug is my one. Takes me right back to smoking soap bar in doley flats and drinking whatever dodgy nicked vodka we could get our hands on.
>> No. 8365 Anonymous
30th March 2020
Monday 8:15 pm
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Reminds me of John Doran's mug-martinis.

>> No. 8366 Anonymous
30th March 2020
Monday 8:36 pm
8366 spacer
What are you doing in Danish Vice?
>> No. 8367 Anonymous
30th March 2020
Monday 8:52 pm
8367 spacer

I suppose the bigger question is why is Danish vice in English? It was just the first result when I googled the name of the article and the author, buggered if I know.
>> No. 8368 Anonymous
31st March 2020
Tuesday 1:26 am
8368 spacer
Happy 10 years, thread!
>> No. 8369 Anonymous
31st March 2020
Tuesday 1:45 am
8369 spacer

I didn't change for the better at all.

Feeling suicidal now. Jesus.
>> No. 8371 Anonymous
31st March 2020
Tuesday 2:16 am
8371 spacer
A decade of boozefa.gs.

Re-reading this thread I wonder how >>5231 is getting on.
>> No. 8372 Anonymous
31st March 2020
Tuesday 5:30 am
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The patron saint of degenerates. Everyone in this thread needs to read his book Jolly Lad. You can get the audiobook for nowt with an Audible trial and I can't recommend it highly enough.

"This is not a 'my drink and drug hell' kind of book for several reasons - the main one being that I had, for the most part, had a really good time drinking. True, a handful of pretty appalling things have happened to me and some people that I know or used to know over the years. But I have, for the most part, left them out of this book as they are not illuminating, not edifying and in some cases concern other people who aren't here to consent to their appearance. Instead this book concentrates on what you face after the drink and the drugs have gone."

>> No. 8373 Anonymous
31st March 2020
Tuesday 5:46 am
8373 spacer
Ask not for whom that bell doth toll
As wordy barmaids eyes do roll,
A landlord with an earnest shout
Calls time on drinks and ushers out.

The dutiful sip-up and leave,
But he's a last card up his sleeve,
With feet like land-locked deep sea diver,
Shuffles barwards with a fiver,
He begs at last for just one more,
"And one yourself, just make it right."

He promises to drink it quick
Yet deep down knows he's feeling sick,
Not from stout or bags of scratchings
More from questions booze keeps asking,
What happened to the happy me?
I think - no, hang on - need to pee.

In the bog the poet sways
Poised to ponder fonder days
Before the time of cheap warm cider,
Eyes of wonder opening wider.

Now they narrow, tired of fun
As fart turns wet and burns the bum,
Yet rarest smile pops in his head
Till urine runs down inside leg,

And thus the landlord shows him out
The child inside is crying out
"I was not meant for such sweet sorrow"
But opts instead for "See ya tomorrow".

Thou stout-soaked, cig-stained feckless soul
Is what for, not who, that bell did toll.


Ten years, lads. I became an alkie around the time this thread first started. I lost everything, including the love of my life, and nearly died from DTs. Now I've been sober for over two years, have a girlfriend, a good job and my own place. If I can make it so can you. Best of luck.
>> No. 8374 Anonymous
31st March 2020
Tuesday 6:35 pm
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His book and the original source material for it (his Menk column for Vice, which is now mostly offline but you can find the full set via the wayback machine) are both fucking brilliant and required reading for anyone who drinks or drugs too much or used to.
>> No. 8375 Anonymous
31st March 2020
Tuesday 7:22 pm
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>the redemption offered by fatherhood

I'm probably more adept at climbing a tree than somebody like you, not one of those. I thought he really was one of the good ones too.

This is the worst thing about getting old. One by one everyone succumbs to the belief you can respawn and have a do-over by making some poor bint carry your progeny, and making sure it lives better than you.

None of them are ever yet old enough or wise enough to realise that's probably what their own dad thought too.
>> No. 8376 Anonymous
31st March 2020
Tuesday 7:44 pm
8376 spacer
Ah, thanks. That's getting removed from the wishlist.
>> No. 8377 Anonymous
31st March 2020
Tuesday 7:49 pm
8377 spacer

I'm a staunch anti-natalist and as such feel that bringing a child into the world always causes net harm, but can you really not see the point of view that one might be able to make up for forty years of being a cunt by being a decent dad? I don't agree with him, but I can see his point of view.

> None of them are ever yet old enough or wise enough to realise that's probably what their own dad thought too.

I'm 100% certain that my dad had me because he was an irresponsible cunt and condoms are no fun.
>> No. 8378 Anonymous
31st March 2020
Tuesday 7:59 pm
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He's not cunty about it.

>> No. 8379 Anonymous
31st March 2020
Tuesday 8:02 pm
8379 spacer

I actually don't remember anything preachy or holier than thou about being a father in either his book or his column. Also despite the disclaimer that the book is about "what you face after the drink and the drugs have gone", the majority of the book is about his time on the booze.
>> No. 8380 Anonymous
4th April 2020
Saturday 3:28 am
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The people I took for granted I now no longer get to see. The people I had a text relationship are all suffering. And here I am using "essential purchases" to excuse buying booze. I feel like such a shit.
>> No. 8381 Anonymous
4th April 2020
Saturday 11:41 am
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The government added off-licenses to the list of essential shops. You should drop the self-flagellation because it's unbecoming.
>> No. 8382 Anonymous
4th April 2020
Saturday 6:44 pm
8382 spacer
Your reading comprehension needs work.
>> No. 8383 Anonymous
4th April 2020
Saturday 7:14 pm
8383 spacer
Why is there the educated drunk stereotype? It usually revolves around poetry and literature, and acting to a lesser extent.
>> No. 8384 Anonymous
4th April 2020
Saturday 7:19 pm
8384 spacer

>> No. 8385 Anonymous
4th April 2020
Saturday 7:32 pm
8385 spacer
Why shouldn't there be one?
>> No. 8386 Anonymous
5th April 2020
Sunday 2:07 pm
8386 spacer
Ah christ I didn't realise this is what I was doing.
>> No. 8387 Anonymous
29th April 2020
Wednesday 4:32 pm
8387 spacer
As someone who used to contribute to this thread, I've cut back over the years to the point where I'm only drinking every once in a while and generally not to tremendous excess.

Today I've had my first proper hangover since maybe the start of the year and it's been absolutely fucking hideous. I have no idea how I used to wake up with one of these a few mornings a week. Am I just forgetting that they were this bad, or is there really something about "once in a blue moon" hangovers that makes them worse?
>> No. 8388 Anonymous
29th April 2020
Wednesday 4:39 pm
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I find my hangovers tend to get worse when they're stacked. Maybe there's an unconscious knack to dealing with them that you've lost?
>> No. 8389 Anonymous
29th April 2020
Wednesday 4:56 pm
8389 spacer
That's what I'm thinking.

(And yes, they do get markedly worse if I'm having heavy nights one after another without a day or two off in between, that's a recipe for disaster and I definitely can't get away with it any more.)
>> No. 8390 Anonymous
29th April 2020
Wednesday 7:34 pm
8390 spacer
How hydrated are you staying? If you can drink a good litre or two of water right before you pass out, I always find this lessens the brutality of a hangover and sometimes I manage to dodge it completely.
>> No. 8391 Anonymous
30th April 2020
Thursday 4:13 pm
8391 spacer
I drink half a pint or more of water for every other pint I drink, or at least I try to. Leads to a lot of trips to the bathroom and a proper bloated feeling the next day, but it definitely helps reduce the severity of the hangover. I used to have a routine of necking a few NSAIs (ibuprofen etc) at the end, because apparently half of a hangover is a swollen brain so anti-inflammatory drugs are obviously going to help, but my stomach can't take them any more - they cause gastric reflux.

Another one is spending an hour awake at the end of the night just not drinking booze (and getting some water in, like you say).
>> No. 8392 Anonymous
3rd May 2020
Sunday 7:39 am
8392 spacer
The lockdown has made me bored of drinking.

Never thought I would say that.
>> No. 8393 Anonymous
4th May 2020
Monday 11:48 am
8393 spacer

Try to get some Omeprazole/Lansoprazole, it works wonder for acid reflux. I take it because I am on 8 different medications, without it I would start vomiting acid like Brundlefly!
>> No. 8394 Anonymous
5th May 2020
Tuesday 4:30 pm
8394 spacer
8 different medications? What the hell are you on?
>> No. 8395 Anonymous
5th May 2020
Tuesday 6:08 pm
8395 spacer

A walking dead, m8. Metformin, furosemide, levothyroxine, bisoprolol, perindopril, gabapentin, aspirin, cocodamol
>> No. 8396 Anonymous
5th May 2020
Tuesday 6:38 pm
8396 spacer
How long have you been on the sauce? Worried that I'll need furosemide one day, my liver has taken a lot of pounding over the years.
>> No. 8398 Anonymous
13th May 2020
Wednesday 2:22 pm
8398 spacer
I don't know if it's a level where I could be considered an alcoholic, but I've been drinking significantly more than I used to since lockdown began. I don't know if it's because I quit smoking, but I feel like the only thing that gives me pleasure nowadays is booze.
>> No. 8399 Anonymous
13th May 2020
Wednesday 6:03 pm
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>I feel like the only thing that gives me pleasure nowadays is booze

This story only ends one way if you don't sort that issue out m8.
>> No. 8400 Anonymous
13th May 2020
Wednesday 7:14 pm
8400 spacer

>I feel like the only thing that gives me pleasure nowadays is booze.

Anyone else could point out this is a possible cry for help. I can't say I blame you I've been drinking more and taken up smoking again since the lock down began. But I am however a recoved alcoholic in the true haven actually been sobre in months sense (I don't mean drink every day, I mean not be sobre) and I just want to wan you that you play a game of diminshing returns if you fully commit to the drink, the possitive buzz fades and you end up drinking just to take the edge off the hangovers and it ends up being a chore. I doubt you are close to that stage yet lad but be careful.

The real problem for you is almost certainly a lack of stimulation, if there are people you can reach out to even just for a conversation do that. Don't let yourself slip away just because of an uncomfortableness about reaching out.
>> No. 8401 Anonymous
13th May 2020
Wednesday 7:35 pm
8401 spacer

How did you manage to slur your words in prose?
>> No. 8402 Anonymous
13th May 2020
Wednesday 9:27 pm
8402 spacer


Furosemide is a water pill, it's used when you suffer from fluid retention. I have been on that crap for years, without it I would be bloated like a Nurgle champion
>> No. 8403 Anonymous
14th May 2020
Thursday 12:55 am
8403 spacer

Can we keep the pictures of Scarlett Moffat to the appropriate thread please.
>> No. 8404 Anonymous
17th June 2020
Wednesday 1:47 am
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£175k. I'm oddly proud of it but as predicted it's catching up to me.

I'm severly tempted to implement "Protocol 45", where I use my saving to go "fuck it" before I... do something I won't put in writing.

For anyone entering the software world, the way you get paid is in one of three ways: cash salary, benefits, and RSUs.

Cash salary is obvious, you get handed this every month. In my case, £83k/12. Minus pension contribution.

And health insurance upgrades are freee: Dental cleaning and treatment is free, basic checkups are free, some mental help is free. We joke about the US (with good reason), but we are not too far off.

RSU' mean shares, they are not easily convertible into cash but this is where I am supposed to hire an accountant to sort it out.

I'll ride this train, but there are people better than me who could do my work. And wheee!
>> No. 8405 Anonymous
17th June 2020
Wednesday 11:55 am
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You've done well lad. From some of the language you use, I am going to take a punt and say you're one of Jeff's army or a similar sized tech.
>> No. 8406 Anonymous
17th June 2020
Wednesday 12:10 pm
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Someone should do a study about why a seemingly large proportion of britfa make loadsamoney.
>> No. 8407 Anonymous
17th June 2020
Wednesday 1:33 pm
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Autism. Next?

Takes the piss a bit sometimes knowing you can be on that kind of money for programming Amazon fulfillment centre algorithms or whatever, but 5+ years studying biomedical science will put you on £40k if you're lucky.

Oh well.
>> No. 8408 Anonymous
17th June 2020
Wednesday 2:12 pm
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Hang around with us lad, this time next year we'll all be MILLIONAIRES.
>> No. 8409 Anonymous
22nd June 2020
Monday 7:40 pm
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I have been drinking every night and blacking out for the past 3 weeks. I wake up feeling like death and drink some more to get rid of the hangover, and start work. I get off work, and start all over again.

I'm spiraling out of control sadly.
>> No. 8410 Anonymous
22nd June 2020
Monday 10:14 pm
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What's your job?
>> No. 8411 Anonymous
22nd June 2020
Monday 10:21 pm
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Here to listen and advise ladm7.
>> No. 8412 Anonymous
23rd June 2020
Tuesday 11:35 am
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Why? I assume the drinking is a symptom of something else. And I assume if you solve that you can solve the drinking.
>> No. 8413 Anonymous
24th June 2020
Wednesday 4:15 am
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I know a few people in this boat. Lockdown is tough.

Talk to us.
>> No. 8414 Anonymous
24th June 2020
Wednesday 4:33 pm
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> Why? I assume the drinking is a symptom of something else. And I assume if you solve that you can solve the drinking.

In my long and miserable experience this is a terrible assumption, at least on a prima face basis. As far as I can tell my drinking and drugging is a symptom of the fact that to be alive means being conscious.

Fortunately consciousness can be mediated.
>> No. 8415 Anonymous
25th June 2020
Thursday 11:15 am
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Except most of us don't wander around considering our consciousness to be a burden, what you're describing sounds like a mental health issue.
>> No. 8416 Anonymous
25th June 2020
Thursday 5:22 pm
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> Except most of us don't wander around considering our consciousness to be a burden,

That depends on who you mean by 'us'; the general public, britfa users, alcoholics?

Obviously the vast majority of the addicts find their unmodified conscience to be a burden. For what other earthly reason would they have invested so much time, effort, and money into modifying it?

Addiction is a mental health issue by default anyway. I think you might have wandered into the wrong thread by way of being a /*/-trawling cunt-stick.
>> No. 8417 Anonymous
25th June 2020
Thursday 5:35 pm
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Obviously addiction is a mental health issue, but you've identified the drudgery of consciousness as the reason for your addiction in the first place. So his point that drinking is a symptom of something else is true in your case. No need to be a prick about it m7.
>> No. 8418 Anonymous
26th June 2020
Friday 3:39 pm
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> but you've identified the drudgery of consciousness as the reason for your addiction

Oh, ladm25. If it were merely something so whimsical as 'drudgery' I would have turned on repeats of Mock The Week on Dave, or gotten into dogging or rating teenage prostitutes on obscure websites. Instead I've spent over half a dozen years and untold amounts of money trying to mute, or at least lower the volume of, the waking fucking nightmare that I find my life to be.

You're right, mostly, about the other bit though. For most addicts alcohol or drugs aren't their problem; they're their solution. Their problem is that they've come spiritually, emotionally, and mentally undone. The rest is really academic.
>> No. 8434 Anonymous
20th July 2020
Monday 10:50 pm
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Can someone give me a list of documentaries or TV shows that document the horrors of being a rested actor? Did Theroux do one? I want something to watch while tripping.
>> No. 8435 Anonymous
20th July 2020
Monday 11:05 pm
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Leaving Las Vegas is a good film in that vein, but fictional rather than documentary.
>> No. 8436 Anonymous
20th July 2020
Monday 11:08 pm
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That sounds like a worse idea than the time I watched an hour long infomercial for a fully automated industrial chicken processing factory while I peaked.
>> No. 8438 Anonymous
21st July 2020
Tuesday 1:36 am
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> Did Theroux do one?

He did. It really got into the personality disorder aspect quite well. The subjects were good choices, it put a better human face on it than you would expect from him.
>> No. 8439 Anonymous
21st July 2020
Tuesday 10:09 am
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>> No. 8440 Anonymous
21st July 2020
Tuesday 11:25 am
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I've never actually watched it but Theroux's stuff is usually good.

Where's he gone, anyway? Everyone seems to agree he's a great interviewer but I haven't seen any new stuff of his in ages. You'd think in the Trumpian era he would be having a field day.
>> No. 8441 Anonymous
21st July 2020
Tuesday 11:27 am
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He's been doing podcasts during the lockdown.

>> No. 8443 Anonymous
17th August 2020
Monday 3:43 am
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had a couple of drinks.jpg
I got so drunk that I ended up going on one of my long drunken strolls. It was mostly uneventful, but I came across a crime scene where a man was stabbed in the back outside a casino because of some pedestrian argument about money. I spent some time trying to chat up the cute policewoman who was managing the police cordon, but unfortunately I didn't get her number. She obviously enjoyed the attention though because she was giggling at all my jokes and didn't mind my playful tugs at her cute policewoman's hat.

If I lived in America I think I would've been shot by now, but at least I now have "cute policewoman" firmly stored in my wank bank.
>> No. 8444 Anonymous
17th August 2020
Monday 10:24 am
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Theroux is good, though I'm a bit miffed that he has so strongly come out against Michael Jackson on the strength of that Neverland documentary. I'm keeping an open mind on that subject given there is a lot of conflicting evidence and testimony, but Theroux is like 'yes, this happened, and it's all terrible and we need to examine how he was he able to get away with it etc. etc.'
>> No. 8445 Anonymous
17th August 2020
Monday 10:30 am
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I think his position is understandable given his history.
>> No. 8446 Anonymous
17th August 2020
Monday 10:50 am
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As if he is the only person that got taken in by Jimmy Savile?
>> No. 8447 Anonymous
17th August 2020
Monday 11:04 am
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There is that now infamous moment at the end of that documentary where he asks why Jimmy Savile says he hates kids and he replies "I don't want people to think I am a peadophile" I could see that haunting you because in hindsight it is the closest we ever saw to a public confession.
>> No. 8448 Anonymous
17th August 2020
Monday 11:23 am
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Yeah well Theroux isn't a police detective, none of this is on his head, so he shouldn't be trying to make up for it after the fact by overcompensating with Jackson. I don't think Jackson's situation is comparable to Savile's for a great number of reasons.
>> No. 8449 Anonymous
17th August 2020
Monday 11:34 am
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Theroux had a new film out in January and has been working on the radio all through lockdown.

Also Michael Jackson was clearly a paedo and people knew this before his death.
>> No. 8450 Anonymous
17th August 2020
Monday 11:38 am
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>people knew this
If it's so cut and dry, where are all the kids he befriended and people who worked with him and on Neverland Ranch testifying about all the shit that went on?
>> No. 8451 Anonymous
17th August 2020
Monday 11:42 am
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He bunged them more cash than most people of their backgrounds could ever imagine. Also there's not much use in testifying against a dead cunt, and when you do, say, make a documentary film detailing your abuse, some snide twat on the internet who's probably a nonce himself starts slating you for it.
>> No. 8452 Anonymous
17th August 2020
Monday 11:55 am
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Oh I see, so everything is wrapped up in a neat little package!
>> No. 8453 Anonymous
17th August 2020
Monday 11:59 am
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I don't think Jacko was a paedo. He was completely fucked in the head and I think he liked the innocence of children but I don't believe he necessarily diddled them.
>> No. 8454 Anonymous
17th August 2020
Monday 12:16 pm
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I always subscribed to the theory his family castrated him at a young age to keep his voice. It'd explain some things, for sure.
>> No. 8455 Anonymous
6th September 2020
Sunday 2:35 am
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When I quit drinking in February, after a couple of months I noticed that I had the ability to just make myself feel okay. Gradually this ability became more powerful and "okay" became "pretty good". Then I started drinking heavily in August (to meet people - terrible idea) and noticed this abiility gradually started disappearing.

Is this ability to just "activate" feeling good something people naturally have? It felt surreal when I (re?)discovered it.
>> No. 8456 Anonymous
6th September 2020
Sunday 10:02 am
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No.... No, I don't think it is, but then I do have chronic depression, so I might not be best placed to know- Or conversely maybe I know better than most. I think people are basically neutral if things are just fine and they don't have anything to be happy or unhappy about. They start to feel down if they are exposed to things other people have that they don't, making them feel jealous and inferior. They start to feel down when the news is feeding misery and torment into their lives.

You're happy because you're not an alcoholic any more, which allows you see the good things in your life more clearly. Are you one of those posho alchies by any chance, where you drink to excess because you have a lot of money to burn so why not? When you're not looking at your life through the bottom of a bottle it probably looks a lot better than a lot of people's looks to start with.
>> No. 8457 Anonymous
6th September 2020
Sunday 10:11 am
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Not sure about "activate" feeling good but yes when you're not hung over and slow, you can fairly easily focus on positive things and make everything feel better.
>> No. 8458 Anonymous
13th September 2020
Sunday 2:47 am
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Is it normal to feel just low, down, and out after quitting alcohol? I am slowly losing the drive to live.
>> No. 8459 Anonymous
13th September 2020
Sunday 8:46 am
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Long-term heavy drinking does a number on your brain chemistry, so it takes some time to get back on an even keel. Immediately after quitting people tend to be really anxious and hyperactive due to the lack of GABA (in the extreme case getting the DTs), but there's a period after that where your brain goes the other way and you feel like your batteries are going flat.

Heavy drinking impairs your ability to absorb folic acid and vitamin B1, so you could have built up a deficiency over time; try to eat plenty of green vegetables and whole grains and consider taking a supplement. If you don't start to see any improvement within the next couple of weeks, see your GP about treatment for depression. If you feel like you're in crisis, call 116 123 any time to speak to The Samaritans; if you think that you might harm yourself, call 999.
>> No. 8460 Anonymous
13th September 2020
Sunday 2:04 pm
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You're probably experiencing Post-Acute Withdrawal Syndrome. As the other lad said, long term drinking does a number on your neurochemistry and anhedonia (reduced ability to enjoy things and be happy, basically) is a common symptom. As someone who quit three years ago I can tell it gets better with time and finally goes away. Just reassure yourself that you're doing the right thing, tough it out and work towards your life goals. It helps to feel a sense of progression that'll override your day-to-day feelings of unhappiness.
>> No. 8461 Anonymous
15th September 2020
Tuesday 7:49 am
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I am not an alcoholic, my poison is weed, but reading this thread felt very relatable so I hope you don't mind if I join in.

Lockdown is what fucked me. I'd had a 'bit of a problem' for the last two years (came out as gay, lost all my friends, wrecked my brain and patched over the damage with god's good green) but I had really gotten into better habits since moving somewhere I can't smoke indoors. I went from 2 spliffs a day to 1 or 2 on the weekend and was really proud of myself.

Then lockdown hit, I had another mental breakdown and was 'furloughed' (company basically did it to sign me off for two months to recover while saving money). Found a crazy cheap dealer, £100/o with home delivery, and just started smoking my head off. 5-7 joints a day when I wasn't working, I tried to cut down once work started again but now for the first time in my life I'm working high. 10am spliff, lunchtime spliff, probably a 3pm spliff if the afternoon is slow, then 2 or 3 more after work.

The problem is that I just can't cope with all this corona shit without it. What is there to hope for, to look forward to? It's suffocating. I can't plan a trip or a meetup with friends to try and comfort my diseased brain with something other than drugs, because who knows what bojo's next ban will be?

Well, either way I got a nasty flu last week which has as usual developed into acute bronchitis due to my refusal to stop smoking ganja, so I smoked what I had and decided not to order any more until I stop coughing. Then my equally depressed flatmate comes home, tells me a load of doomer shit that's on her mind and immediately all I can think of is more weed or we're gonna form a suicide pact.

Fucked if I know what to do. At least it's not cocaine I guess.
>> No. 8462 Anonymous
15th September 2020
Tuesday 8:57 am
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Ever taken acid? Sounds either incredibly daft or incredibly cliche and trite, but getting into psychedelics is what made me realise weed is bad for me and put me off it. Maybe there's a way you can come to a similar realisation.

At the end of the day weed is a pretty unique drug, it's both a lot safer than the propaganda tells you but at the same time it's got a lot more potential to fuck you up than the 420 blaze it crowd will admit. if you suffer from any kind of anxiety issues (sounds like you certainly do), the ganja is 110% exacerbating them. No ifs or buts about it- And given long enough smoking powerful high THC bud like we have today, I'm sure almost anyone will eventually turn into a schizoid fruit with alzheimers.

What is it that you perceive the benefit of smoking weed to be, personally? This isn't a smart arse question or a trap or anything, just genuinely asking what you find it desirable for. What are the positive effects that you can't get from anything else?
>> No. 8463 Anonymous
15th September 2020
Tuesday 10:23 am
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I have severe issues with mood stability and get very very upset over relatively small issues, am currently awaiting assessment for autism- basically when things go wrong, they go very wrong to the extent I might end up nonverbal and banging my head against furniture for hours. When a 'spiral' like that starts, weed is one of very few things that can head it off. Smoking a joint always feels like a nicer option than being a gibbering retard for the next hour while my brain attempts to process bad feelings.

If i could get proper help for the tism or whatever it is, I'd probably smoke less, but that's a fucking mission as an adult. I've been working on it for over a year now and only recently made any progress with the NHS.
>> No. 8464 Anonymous
15th September 2020
Tuesday 12:49 pm
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If possible I would highly recommend microdosing shrooms. I used weed for similar things, mostly to control my depression/mood dips but also to help me sleep in the evenings. Like you this pandemic is taking its toll on me which led me to be pretty much baked 24/7 until I had a break down. Then i started taking more shrooms. Microdosing shrooms has helped me kick weed for longer, or well, at the least the most I'll use is up to 0.3g of weed to help me sleep, and the shrooms also help massively in levelling my mood out. Can be a tad expensive to keep buying though but it's relatively easy to grow your own.
>> No. 8465 Anonymous
15th September 2020
Tuesday 1:37 pm
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Have you tried the garden variety anti-depressants your GP will chuck at you? I know they're not the best thing in the world but they provide a window of stability (and numbness) that can allow you to develop more positive habits.

Issues like yours can probably be worked through by practice of mindfulness- That's more or less all the mental health services these days can offer people anyway, at least for depression/anxiety. The usual CBT therapy teaches you to re-train your mind into more healthy self-affirmational thoughts in a way not dissimilar to meditation. So maybe look into some breathing exercises and what have you.

Ultimately this might not be a permanent solution but if you're making progress with getting proper mental health help, it will at least keep you sane for the meantime, without having to smoke enough weed to turn yourself into a turnip.

Also, do you smoke normal fags and cut your joints with baccy? I know a few people who considerably cut down their cannabis usage when they quit smoking regular cigs because without realising, half of the feeling of compulsion was actually plain old nicotine craving. That might be a helpful way to start cutting down again.

Lockdown has done a number on all of us really. Feel free to come here and talk if you need to m8, it doesn't matter if you're spamming the thread for ten posts a day.
>> No. 8466 Anonymous
15th September 2020
Tuesday 5:31 pm
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I am very wary of any sort of hallucinogenic due to my grip on reality already being fairly flimsy, I hallucinate etc under high stress.

Tried all of that yeah, was diagnosed with anxiety and depression years ago but it's clearly a bit more than that. CBT is very good for not letting small wobbles turn into big ones, but when a big one hits you out of nowhere. No amount of sensible thinking can overpower EVERYTHINGS FUCKED EVERYTHINGS FUCKED YOU USELESS LAZY PIECE OF SHIT KILL YOURSELF IMMEDIATELY in the way that weed does- with this sort of condition it is very enjoyable to have a means of immediately not giving a shit about anything.

I seem to have talked myself into the same corner I do every time I mention this to my GP- I would like to smoke less but right now I need what it does for my severely fucked brain.
>> No. 8467 Anonymous
15th September 2020
Tuesday 5:36 pm
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Oh and I did buy more weed. Sorry for being a useless cunt and letting the two of you down. To be fair, bossman said it tastes like chocolate and cures depression.
>> No. 8468 Anonymous
15th September 2020
Tuesday 6:15 pm
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You see, what I was getting at with weed exacerbating anxiety is that you might not have such intense wobblies when you're not stoned, if you weren't constantly smoking. In my own personal experience, being high is a pretty tense feeling sometimes regardless, and I've never felt the "chilled out" kind of high most people tend to associate weed with.

For me it's always gone like this: Smoke a joint, immediately distract myself with videogames/a film/etc. If I don't do that, I will be invariably paralysed with inactivity for the next hour, because I'm busy staring off into space over-thinking every single conversation I had that day and biting off my knuckles because I only then realise how utterly cringe-worthy and embarrassing every word I said was, and how everyone sees right though my front and they know. They know.

I've basically ended up theorising that most people, who don't suffer from the same overt anxiety/paranoia that I do sober, won't notice this effect when they're high- But that that doesn't mean it isn't there. It's a well known side effect of smoking weed, but you usually stop noticing it once you've built up a tolerance- I just think it lurks beneath the surface instead of entirely going away.

I know that doesn't practically help you resist using it, but at least recognising that you might be stuck in a bit of a vicious cycle should strengthen your resolve. Maybe see if someone can get hold of some valium or similar to calm your nerves while you cut down, that seems to be your main obstacle; but I think reducing your dependence on the weed to begin with will have pretty beneficial effects in and of itself.
>> No. 8469 Anonymous
15th September 2020
Tuesday 6:24 pm
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>I would like to smoke less but right now I need what it does for my severely fucked brain.

I've been completely the same mate and I haven't had any CBT but recently found you can apply for it online now for free so I'll be getting it in the next couple weeks.

That all makes sense and it's easy to say but I know exactly how this lad's going to feel when sober. It is unbearable and you only spiral, you're having to get high to save yourself, basically.

Completely agree with the rest you said though, studies have shown it can exascebate anxiety issues and you deinitely do need to address the feelings you're avoiding and find some kind of way to reduce your intake at the least, otherwise it just buries these feelings down into your subconscious and I swear it's what led to a breakdown for me because I got to the point where weed was doing nothing.
>> No. 8470 Anonymous
15th September 2020
Tuesday 6:25 pm
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I'm high right now and can't delete my post to fix the typos.
>> No. 8471 Anonymous
15th September 2020
Tuesday 9:42 pm
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See the weird thing is I have had a strain of weed that did that before, I realised and stopped smoking it, so I don't know if it's an indica vs sativa thing or some bollocks, I'm not one of these hipster weed apothecary types.

It mostly just makes my brain go from 200/mph to some kind of normal person speed, which is very nice. Maybe there is some residual anxiety, but it's certainly not as bad as the epic fucking shit fits I have off it. Is there not some kind of option to trade in my drugs budget for just a nice functioning brain that does the emotions thing properly?

Anyway, while I have ordered my poison, it won't be here for a few days, so here's hoping a brief patch of cold turkey will help me to start fresh with better habits. Like not smoking during the work day. Fucking WFH, it's a curse for potheads I tell you.
>> No. 8472 Anonymous
15th September 2020
Tuesday 10:32 pm
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>I hallucinate etc under high stress

Have you told your GP about this? Those symptoms should result in an immediate referral to the Early Intervention in Psychosis team.
>> No. 8473 Anonymous
15th September 2020
Tuesday 11:56 pm
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I told the mental health assessment team that, it's very infrequent and I've always had it so they didn't seem too fussed. Just wasn't quite anchored properly to the planet at birth somehow. Is it that unusual?
>> No. 8474 Anonymous
15th October 2020
Thursday 10:25 pm
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Counting back the years, I've always loved being off my tits. At times it wasn't alcohol but that has been the drug of choice to make the voices shut the fuck up and let my mind get some rest since I was 14. That's more than 25 years back, so no doubt my brain and body adapted. "Plan 50" seems tempting. Just spend what I earned until I turn approximately 50 and then end it. Exit bag sounds good.
>> No. 8475 Anonymous
31st October 2020
Saturday 7:37 pm
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>> No. 8476 Anonymous
23rd December 2020
Wednesday 11:25 pm
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When I'm not drunk enough, after a week or so I need to apply a new cover to my pillows at least. The sheets can wait, I can use some other sheets make up for it.The duvet cover is worse, I do not get why it gets spoiled. Something to be gotten rid off. Maybe I should get fibre bedding and not feather bedding. Much more cleanable.
>> No. 8477 Anonymous
25th December 2020
Friday 12:18 am
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I've had a similar experience, recounted in >>4292. That was obvsiouly a few years ago and that's changed since but if you're in your mid to late 20s like I was then it might just be that you're sweating up your bed.

I've chucked my down pillows in favour of machine washable fibre ones and I'm sorely tempted to do the same for my duvet (and maybe get a hygiene cover for the mattress as well; I don't wet the bed but I'm not exactly fastidious when it comes to changing my sheets).

In other news, instead of pouring An Amount™ of spirits into a pint glass and then topping it up with water I've started using a measuring cup of ~50ml (nor markings on the side). I'm not sure if that made things better or worse but instead of more or less speedrunning a pint of vodka I now remain awake much longer and drink for hours instead. I assume that's why "session ales" were invented.
>> No. 8478 Anonymous
8th January 2021
Friday 9:02 pm
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Liver's playing up again for the first time in years. For the first time ever I got a sharp pain (as opposed to a dull one) the other night and so I "quit drinking" for most of the week but now am stupidly getting drunk again to celebrate how sensible and productive I've been with my week of sobriety. Three beers in and I know I should leave it but I have another 9 in the fridge and I'm thinking "fuck it I'll enjoy tonight and then quit tomorrow" but I've said that literally thousands of times.
>> No. 8479 Anonymous
8th January 2021
Friday 10:07 pm
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What do you lads do about the pissing if you're a light sleeper? Do you just need to stop drinking for a while and your bladder repairs a bit? Or is it the prostate? Or kidneys? Whatever it is mine are right cunts, gets better when I don't drink for a while. Is this the kind of thing that your body sorts out after a bit, or am I always going to be a few days of drinking away from pissing up daisies?
>> No. 8480 Anonymous
9th January 2021
Saturday 6:03 pm
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>Maybe see if someone can get hold of some valium or similar to calm your nerves while you cut down
Woah, woah, woah. I know I'm massively too late to this, but advising someone with addictive tendencies to try one of the most addictive drugs out there is seriously bad advice. I spent four years on benzos, two of those really heavily. It took six months to come off and several years later I'm still a mess. I started by adding benzos to weed, largely because a lot of times the only weed I could get was "knock yer fucking stack off" ultra-high THC shit that made me anxious. Don't get into benzos, for fuck's sake.
>> No. 8481 Anonymous
10th January 2021
Sunday 3:12 am
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Absolutely seconded. I used to steal valium from my parents (yes, that was not a proud moment by any means) and it's robbing Paul to pay back Peter, except Paul is a really dodger geezer and will come after you. Replacing one drug with another that has a similar effect is really not going to help you. Even if doctor perscribed I'd be very wary unless the doctor is aware of your alcohol history and fully on board with it. A bored overworked GP handing you the vallies is not on your side other than to tide you over.
>> No. 8482 Anonymous
11th January 2021
Monday 6:17 pm
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While I understand your stance that self medication with addictive pills is stupid (and it is) there is wide and ample medical use of benzodiazepines for alcohol detox.

If you try to come off a really bad drinking habit cold turkey you can quite literally die from the seizures unless you're medicated with something else.

Obviously the trick is medical supervision and keeping the use purely for the detox and under the generally acceptable two weeks limit. What you don't want is to find yourself still on Valium three months later as a crutch for not drinking. As you both pointed out you're just swapping one drug for another although we disagree as to which drug is worse (alcohol will definitely both make you sick and klll you faster, Valium will probably get you hooked faster).
>> No. 8483 Anonymous
12th January 2021
Tuesday 1:36 am
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If you look at >>8480 it's pointing out that >>8468's suggestion of "weed->benzo" is a bad idea. Not booze->benzo, which is a different matter.
>> No. 8484 Anonymous
13th January 2021
Wednesday 5:48 pm
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My bad. As it's the Resting Actors thread I put two and two together and came up with seven. If I could delete my posts I would, but Firefox is acting up of late so my embarrassment will remain on my personal record. That said, I will go on record as saying that I don't see how using Valium is going to help someone stop smoking weed unless they plan to permanently swap one drug for the other (which is a Really Bad Idea).

Sage for basically repeating things that other people have already said but with far less relevance.
>> No. 8485 Anonymous
2nd February 2021
Tuesday 9:25 pm
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Maybe I was a catastrophising a little, you are off course right that medical supervision is crucial — even diamorphine can be safe and useful under such conditions — but in a resting actors thread I think it's very important to avoid tempting people into trying to self medicate.
>> No. 8500 Anonymous
3rd May 2021
Monday 1:47 am
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https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=17TbF6n4jI0 I guess we need a vallie thread?
>> No. 8501 Anonymous
12th May 2021
Wednesday 7:36 am
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My uncle who isn't really an uncle is in hospital dying of liver failure. I'm probably not far behind him to be honest.

I have been staring at a photo of us having a pint together when I was 16 all night. If he makes it I'm going to "quit properly" with him. If he doesn't make it I'm going to leave my house to his kid and follow him swiftly over the horizon.
>> No. 8502 Anonymous
12th May 2021
Wednesday 9:46 am
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Sorry to hear that mate. I hope he pulls through.
>> No. 8503 Anonymous
12th May 2021
Wednesday 7:32 pm
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Thank-you. The latest is that he's apparently stable enough to be moved to another hospital with better liver specialists. We'll find out if that's encouraging news or unbelievably bad news in the next few days.
>> No. 8504 Anonymous
13th May 2021
Thursday 1:32 pm
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Jesus Christ. Nobody told me how agonising it is when the booze finally catches up with you. I always imagined an otherwise relatively healthy bloke with a massive gut keeling over.

He's squeezing my hand and begging me to promise to look after his son with tubes up his nose and tubes up his knob and tubes in his arm. I've never seen anyone in such terrible pain.
>> No. 8505 Anonymous
13th May 2021
Thursday 2:17 pm
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Is the prognosis any better?
>> No. 8506 Anonymous
13th May 2021
Thursday 2:26 pm
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Well he's awake (sort of) and breathing by himself which is basically like winning the lottery compared to a few days ago. If he recovers fully I'm going to punch him in his bald head and his big gut for scaring us so badly.

Thanks for asking.
>> No. 8507 Anonymous
13th May 2021
Thursday 2:31 pm
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It's positive you can feel that sort of thing about the situation too. Best of luck to you both.
>> No. 8508 Anonymous
4th August 2021
Wednesday 11:39 pm
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I spoke to a GP (on the phone) and told him I consume considerably more alcohol than is healthy and have done so for the last 25 years. He seemed keen, but his only suggestions was that he could prescribe thiamine.
>> No. 8509 Anonymous
5th August 2021
Thursday 12:34 am
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Alcohol problems have soared over lockdown, so unfortunately treatment services are massively backlogged. If you want to cut down on your drinking, I'd suggest looking for voluntary organisations in your area that may be able to offer support. AA is a great fit for some people and a terrible fit for others, but there are plenty of other groups out there with different approaches.

Definitely take the thiamine though - if you don't need it you'll just piss it out, but if you do need it then it'll save you from the horrors of Korsakoff syndrome.
>> No. 8510 Anonymous
7th August 2021
Saturday 1:01 am
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I take daily vitamins, including thiamine (as well as a few other bits and bobs that support liver function); I'm an alcoholic, but not an idiot. I didn't expect to get my addiction fixed and it was kind of moving since the GP called back to recommend thiamine, but no mention of a liver function test, blood pressure check or similar. Just to be clear, I do not blame the GP at all, they are oversubscriberd as is and me turning up with my issues now is happening at the worst time possible. I might have to go private to get a checkup, AA is sometehing I tried and maybe I got the wrong group but fuck me that was a bunch of people who did not want to properly accept that they just personally fucked up.
>> No. 8511 Anonymous
6th September 2021
Monday 2:59 pm
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This is the end. I cannot be arsed anymore. I'm getting on the bus.